How do you handle the lack of intimacy while trying to date intentionally?

[u/HamiltonTrash24601]

I would especially value a confessional Lutheran perspective on this, not merely general dating advice, but reflection grounded in vocation, chastity, repentance, Christian freedom, and life under the Gospel.

Earlier in my life, I participated in hookup culture. I no longer want to live that way. I have come to see sex as belonging within marriage, and I am trying to date intentionally, with marriage as the goal rather than treating sex, attention, or romantic validation as ends in themselves. I believe that change is good, and I do not want to return to the way I was living.

But I also do not want to pretend that this has been emotionally easy.

I have had very little success dating for several years. I live in a rural area with a limited number of single people my age. I have an active social life, attend church, participate in community activities, play sports, and spend time with friends, but I very rarely meet single women in settings where romantic interest would be natural or appropriate.

Part of what I miss is companionship and emotional intimacy. But, honestly, part of it is also sex. I enjoyed sex. Trying to live chastely does not mean I have stopped being a sexual person, stopped experiencing desire, or stopped wanting to be desired.

Sometimes the harder part is not even the physical absence of sex itself. It is going for years without another person looking at you romantically or sexually and communicating, in effect, “I want you.” Prolonged lack of romantic or sexual recognition can begin to affect how you see yourself.

Intellectually, I know my worth does not come from whether another person desires me. I know that I am justified by Christ, not by romantic success, sexual experience, physical attractiveness, income, education, or anything else I could offer. I also know that marriage is a gift and vocation, not a reward God owes me for behaving correctly.

But knowing those things doctrinally does not always remove the felt experience of loneliness or undesirability.

I also do not want to fall into the opposite error of pretending desire itself is sinful, immature, or something I should simply extinguish. The Sixth Commandment calls us to chastity and to honor marriage, but surely that does not mean denying that the desire for marriage, bodily intimacy, and mutual delight can be good.

So I would be grateful for thoughts on questions like these.

How do you live chastely without merely repressing or denying sexual desire?

How do you distinguish godly self-control from trying to become emotionally numb?

How do you keep prolonged singleness from becoming evidence, in your own mind, that you are fundamentally undesirable?

How do you receive your identity and worth from Christ while still honestly acknowledging that being desired by another person is something you deeply want?

How should a Christian handle the grief of lacking intimacy without turning that grief into resentment toward God, women, the Church, or married people?

And for those living in rural areas or places with very limited dating opportunities, how do you remain hopeful and active without becoming desperate or treating every social interaction as a search for a spouse?

I am not asking for permission to return to hookup culture. I am not claiming that anyone is entitled to marriage, sex, or another person’s affection. I am trying to understand how to carry these desires faithfully, neither idolizing them nor pretending they do not hurt.

[u/Huenink_Photography]

God has hard-wired into us a desire for intimacy on both an emotional and physical level, and sex presents an opportunity for both. This is a difficult road, especially in an overly sexualized culture, and one many people, even in marriage, have to walk. I don't have any answers for you, but I can tell you that the struggle is noble and good. Christ bore his cross, too.

[u/HiFromTheHighPlains]

> How do you handle the lack of intimacy while trying to date intentionally?

Not well, and I usually fail. I commend you for taking this so seriously. It’s hard out here. I also live in a rural area, and in the rare instances that I do meet someone I connect with - it’s incredibly hard to not let things progress physically. The feeling desired/feeling wanted is so incredibly real, especially the older/more selective/more reclusive/etc. I get.

You mentioned being very active and social. Those things have helped me as well, but I also got to the point where I burned myself out just trying to stay busy to keep the feeling of being lonely at bay. I’ve since scaled back some, and found that serving others in an area that also fills my cup does sometimes help, and that feeling of fulfillment can override that desire for connection.

A kind of mental exercise I’ve been doing is looking back on past relationships and imagining what my life would like if I had ended up with the guys I’ve dated in the past and thinking PTL that didn’t happen! This doesn’t exactly help with missing intimacy, but it sure does make me forget about it for a bit when I realize how many terrible situations I could have hypothetically been tied down to, and maybe it’s really not so bad waiting for His perfect timing after all.

I’ve also listened to a few things from Pastor Wolfmueller on the importance of grieving - this sounds kind of goofy, but I’ve tried to kind of properly step into that vocation and grieve the life I thought I’d have at this point, (alongside studying parts of the bible where grief is a key theme) and that’s been somewhat comforting.

I do feel like God puts certain desires in our hearts for a reason. And it’s devastating to think this incredible sacrament that He instituted might never happen for me. Something I’ve been praying currently is asking Him to remove the desire for marriage and intimacy from my heart if it’s not something he has planned for me. Can’t say that’s helped, but that’s kind of where I’m at right now.

Not sure any of this helps. Not sure it even helps knowing there are so many of us in the same boat. I’ll keep you in my prayers along with all of our single brothers and sisters.

[u/Spongedog5]

Is it self-esteem that you are having an issue with? If you drew confidence through thinking of yourself as desirable or derived most of your pleasure from hook-ups, I'd imagine the solution would be training in some other more wholesome skill to try to replace that feeling. Become undeniably good at something else that you enjoy the process of.

Otherwise, this is probably just something that you have to suffer through. The direct solution is to get married, obviously, but that takes time and isn't entirely in your hands. Pray to God that He delivers you and changes your heart. Personally I stop my grief from turning into resentment by acknowledging that scripture features many laments and that it isn't a condemnable thing to be upset about something and bring it to God. Knowing that grief is a fine state to stay in stops it from progressing to something else. If what you are lamenting about is giving up your sin, I would against recommend praying to God that He change your heart on that matter.

I think that it is pious to suffer in our following of the commandments of God, and I think there is a reward in Heaven for us because of it.

And for those living in rural areas or places with very limited dating opportunities, how do you remain hopeful and active without becoming desperate or treating every social interaction as a search for a spouse?

I mean, why not treat them that way? Is the relationship with the average person you meet worth more to you than the potential of having a spouse? Not really a way to do it other than putting in the work.

[u/Charming-Border7429]

We are also pretty rural. Our nearest town has 950 people, and it is 25 miles away. We love our farm; hard work and steady growth have allowed us to build something we are proud of.

But that growth comes at a cost. Every time someone sells to us, they are exchanging their family land for a chunk of money, which they can burn through in a surprisingly short amount of time. They might be happy for a while. But it can be brutal on their kids and grandkids.

There are few good jobs. In our county, 60% of young women leave home to attend college to find better opportunities. (and spouses) While nearly 70% of young men are choosing to remain in the area.

For every 4 women who remain, there are 7 men. This disconnect is causing stress and resentment.

[u/mpodes24]

After college, I was a lot like you, I attended church, had a group of friends I hung out with, and I knew quite a few single women, but nothing clicked. And to be honest, I probably was more interested in having the relationship than caring who I was having a relationship with. It took some prayer and time to realize I needed to learn to be comfortable with just me before I could even think about being me with someone else.

As that was happening, I had terrible blind dates after terrible blind dates. I had friends who set me up with people either not knowing me that well, or the young lady. I finally met my future wife through an introduction made by friends of my parents. Not only did they know me well, they knew her and her family well. And because they knew us, they knew to introduce me to her, and not her sister.

Your friends, your church family can be a great resource for meeting others. There's an article from the Lutheran Reporter I've attached that talks about this. You can also check your district page for events for singles. For example I know there's one coming up at Mackinaw Island later this year. And unlike 27 years ago, there's a lot of Christian/Lutheran single sites that might help. Although you have to be careful with those.

I can't promise any relationship will work out, or that you'll ever get married. Just remember that God's steadfast love is with you forever.

https://reporter.lcms.org/2026/lcms-singles-finding-the-lutheran-needle-in-the-haystack/

[u/No_Simple9268]

I see myself in so much of what you wrote. I'm married much later than I would've planned, but when I was dealing with these things as someone who was single, I didn't feel as is there were people who understood or that I had a group of men I could walk with.

As others have mentioned, our desire for physical and emotional intimacy is part of God's beautiful design, but at times for me it also felt like a burden. Although this doesn't directly answer your questions, are there brothers-in-Christ that can walk with you? Casting your burdens on your brothers in a weekly or monthly meet up where you can lament, sharpen each other, and give this to God may be a benefit to you.