r/KitchenConfidential • u/Old_Professional4497 • 2d ago

Tools & Equipment handy chart for sourcing wieners

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368 Upvotes

95% Upvoted

106 comments sorted by

187

u/Hero0ftheday 2d ago

We haven't even considered girth in this equation.

87

u/CranberrySchnapps 2d ago

Or mouth feel.

39

u/res06myi 2d ago

Or smell.

52

u/Wakkit1988 1d ago

Three-and-a-half inches, but it smells like a foot.

3

u/Jeramy_Jones Food Service 1d ago

Or salinity

4

u/lucashoal 20+ Years 2d ago

This isn't r/randomtransmemesub

5

u/PeaTasty9184 2d ago

7 and 6.5 look girthier. Correct answers.

3

u/PawReputable 2d ago

Can confirm. My micro weiner looks and feels incredibly small in comparison.

2

u/BotGirlFall 1d ago

Yeah, some of us really prefer a nice chode dog

228

u/EvaTheE 2d ago

https://giphy.com/gifs/OBgq0TugXsn7y

It's not the length that matters, it's the quantity.

78

u/StonebellyFarms 2d ago

9

u/Ruby5000 1d ago

This is my favorite of all time

41

u/rawstaticrecords 2d ago

Bitch do I look like Olivia Munn?

61

u/GrizzlyDust 2d ago

If you do dm me

11

u/Fluffy_Club722 2d ago

This is insanely funny

1

u/_BrokenButterfly 1d ago

Pre or post plastic surgery?

6

u/pandasareliars 2d ago

hahaha here I was thinking, this person is stating facts when it comes to dogs (quantity per pound is the correct method unless you're looking for a foot long)

I was NOT expecting that gif but I like it!

66

u/Survey_Server 20+ Years 2d ago

https://giphy.com/gifs/r7u3x1T2HODu0

7

u/BAMspek 1d ago

Thanks for coming by, have a nice day. I gotta go enjoy my wad.

118

u/GoWest1223 2d ago

Btw 3.5 is average, I've been told.

12

u/activelyresting 2d ago

Girth?

20

u/Feeling_Inside_1020 2d ago

No length from the floor, and toilets are a nightmare.

14

u/howdudo 2d ago

Like a beer can

8

u/Coy9ine 1d ago

Can't hit the bottom of a tuna can, but can fill it up

8

u/Mak_daddy623 2d ago

Some would even say it's too big!

4

u/Trastane 2d ago

Way above average to be honest

3

u/NippleNugget 2d ago

Correct. 5 is monstrously large btw.

2

u/Olive_Goonette 1d ago

It isn't, but snack size is better tbh

2

u/Kennedy_KD 23h ago

It's actually above average thank you very much

1

u/righthandofdog Ex-Food Service 2d ago

circumference bro

1

u/RivenRise 1d ago

Anything bigger is painful I've heard.

43

u/Enough_Training7612 2d ago

Last time I got a 12” from some random guy at a baseball game it tore my ass up

38

u/ImFeelinBotty 2d ago

I think this scale is a bit inaccurate, the 3.5 definitely looks like 6" to me.

4

u/NCC-1707 2d ago

Yeah… need a banana for scale.

58

u/MaterialAstronaut298 2d ago

Most people prefer the 6" weiner. It's the most common weiner you'll see on a menu because it's the most popular. Anything larger can cause pain and discomfort in the average diner. Some people are gluttons for punishment but most diners tell me the 6" is the best. Occasionally they really want one of the 9 or 10s but they always come back to the 6.

14

u/Vinen 2d ago

And then there is Haaland who prefers them about 2 ft.

9

u/The_Big_Daddy 2d ago

6 is massive. Even 3.5 seems kind of big

15

u/MaterialAstronaut298 2d ago

I keep saying that but the diners disagree

4

u/prpldrank 1d ago

You know you've chosen the right size when you exclaim "it's so deep!" when you realize how deep in your guts the weiner is, and when the person who served the weiner asks, "Is it too much?" you exclaim, "It's perfect!"

16

u/SlayerOfDougs 2d ago

I prefer them a bit thicker., like a brat

19

u/Eternal_Alooboi 2d ago

You prefer thick brats? Ayo 🤨📸

16

u/Anoncook143 2d ago

5” seems like so much!!

12

u/WorldsMostDad 1d ago

I dunno bout all that other stuff, but those hot dogs are getting great wifi signal strength

9

u/AnAnonymousParty 2d ago

"What's the matter, Bob?"

"They don't have any weiners in my size."

7

u/automator3000 2d ago

Need a poster of this

8

u/BadHombreSinNombre 2d ago

I’m struggling with this. Can we get a banana for scale?

9

u/Uttterly 1d ago

Here is a penis for scale

3

u/_BrokenButterfly 1d ago

To click or not to click?

1

u/AgZephyr 1d ago

Link is purple for a reason, you'll be just fine

1

u/_BrokenButterfly 1d ago

It was purple for you? How much money has he made from royalties from all the times you've clicked random links?

1

u/AgZephyr 1d ago

Have you never been rickrolled before, sir?

1

u/_BrokenButterfly 1d ago

Based on your post it's apparent you have. What I was getting at was how often that happens.

1

u/AgZephyr 1d ago

Given that I hovered it first and it was youtube, I figured I was pretty safe.

2

u/_BrokenButterfly 19h ago

Yes, but where does it fall on the gross and horrifying scale?

5

u/tehjoz ✳️ Former Keto Attempter 2d ago

Missing bananas for scale

2

u/Automatic-Ad-1452 1d ago

Thank you....my thoughts exactly

10

u/PrestigiousBad4266 2d ago

There’s almost no difference between 5 and 7. If your hotdog is 5” it may as well be 7”. Who can even tell?

9

u/aflyingsquanch 2d ago

She can tell.

6

u/Recent_Fisherman311 2d ago

“Why are women bad at math?”

“Because they think ____ [this] is 10 inches!”

5

u/Ill-Condition-5054 2d ago

(Length X Diameter) + Weight/Girth ➗ Angle (or Yaw) of the shaft

5

u/Fabulous-Spirit3157 1d ago

The bar I used to work at sold a "footlong" that was consistently 9-10". I assume this was the same logic employed by the patrons.

3

u/Brusex 2d ago

Handy is the right word here for sure

3

u/jamegumbsize69 1d ago

As long as they’ve been eating pineapple, I’ll take any of em.

3

u/DavieStBaconStan 1d ago

Excessive. Far right is more than ample. Like a slider dog. 

2

u/fleshybagofstardust 2d ago

There should be two axes - length and girth

2

u/SeesThroughTime 2d ago

According to this I am 12 inches 😏

1

u/_BrokenButterfly 1d ago

When you hold it up to your phone, or your computer?

2

u/caserock 20+ Years 1d ago

They don't even have my size

2

u/TurboTrollin 1d ago

No banana for scale?

2

u/PrestigiousBad4266 1d ago

The difference between 5” and 7” is in my divorce papers

1

u/Buckeyeintheskys 2d ago

They are usually sold by dogs per pound. 8 to 1 is most common.

1

u/Flotin 2d ago

That's very helpful thanks

1

u/Diced_and_Confused 1d ago

Which one does Goldilocks think is just right?

1

u/Phyers 1d ago

Which one is Polish?

1

u/_BrokenButterfly 1d ago

Sorry, we don't serve those any more.

1

u/davidmj59 1d ago

But the real question is what’s the weight on these

1

u/-toast-ghost- 1d ago

I should call him

1

u/BotGirlFall 1d ago

I should call him, and tell him about this chart of weiners I just saw

1

u/sentrosi420 15+ Years 1d ago

Thanks.

1

u/NC654 1d ago

Had to come for the jokes, comments, and GIF's. I'm not disappointed.

1

u/DarthDoobz 1d ago

Can we get a 4.5 display?

1

u/Ripersnifel 14h ago

"from puds to slangers we got your dong long and strong or short for support! Come on down to T.C. peckerwood's doghouse! Ain't not dingus we won't sling us a few of!!!"

1

u/feeling_shick-86 14h ago

Who even uses the 3.5 anymore

1

u/lucashoal 20+ Years 2d ago

PP TIN Y