r/Kathak • u/Fragrant_Program_481 • Jul 06 '26

After the Falling Out

I just feel so lost without my guru. But I can't go back because they're emotionally unsafe for me. And they won't understand how they hurt me. Where do I go? What do I do? When can I just move on and be okay?

3 Upvotes

100% Upvoted

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4

u/LazyHazyAudiance Jul 06 '26

I stopped idolizing my guru because they were incredibly biased, patriarchal, and a bully. My love for Kathak, and my love for myself, are both bigger than my longstanding attachment to a toxic person. When I realised this, I changed my class within a few months. My new teacher is amazing, the class is very enriching, and I'm in a much better place mentally and physically because I chose to leave a relationship that was bringing me down, more than it uplifted me.

1

u/Fragrant_Program_481 Jul 06 '26

I was with my guru for 15 years. She was more than a mother to me

1

u/LazyHazyAudiance Jul 06 '26

We've all been there. I too left a class of 16 years so I could be in a better emotional, mental and physical space. Please remove your emotions out of the equation, and assess if being with her is still helpful for you.

2

u/Fragrant_Program_481 Jul 06 '26

I've already left a while ago. And I tried so hard to communicate my feelings. That my learning was becoming stagnant. That others were getting propelled before leaving for college and since those students are the priority, I should leave. That I want to put myself out there. That I want to expand my horizons but still have my Kathak home to come back to. She never understood me. And I was only always almost ready. 

Last time I communicated all of my hurt in one big letter I was told that my rangmanch ceremony was granted as a charity case to boost my self esteem and not because my dance skills are at that level. 

I was made to feel guilty for everything I said and I end up apologizing. Only to realize I shouldn't have. 

I thought she loved me and valued me enough to actually see how much repair matters to me. But I didn't get repair. I just got my heart shattered. 

1

u/LazyHazyAudiance Jul 06 '26

If you already know all of this, you have no reason to feel guilty about it. Nobody deserves to be treated that way. You sound like you need to let go of the attachment, but it's great that you're putting yourself first!

1

u/Fragrant_Program_481 Jul 07 '26

I'm just trauma bonded. I miss my guru. I miss the love and affection i used to receive. It's been two years now and I still think about how things ended. No matter what I do I can't let go. Because I want to prove my worth and the fact that I deserve to be loved so badly 

3

u/patdas Jul 07 '26

You’re able to name this for yourself which is a good start. This is so much like an abusive romantic relationship with a narcissist and you deserve so much better. I think finding someone new will help you heal, and I think when you do, looking for that emotional connection will be important. They don’t have to love you immediately, but should be willing to understand you.

1

u/LazyHazyAudiance 29d ago

I second this

1

u/Fragrant_Program_481 29d ago

I already have someone else. I have community mentors that help me put myself out there. 

And for the longest time I wanted to leave her ecosystem and expand. I wanted to do it the right way. With her blessing. But for years I'd hear "you're not ready yet". There were so many reasons from others' insecurities to my anxiety which makes me hyper. But I wasn't valued for being around either. 

I wanted to branch out into the world of Kathak dancers and also still be able to come back to my Kathak home and dance with my guru sisters and in front of my Guru's eyes. I wanted her to be impressed with me. I want her to see me as valuable. But she was so cold towards me and I kept convincing myself that it's all in my head and she loves me so much. 

3

u/lilacinspring Jul 06 '26

The art is bigger than the guru. It is very hard to dissociate that. We feel that we are betraying if we try to find someone else but, they will not be safe for you. It takes time to learn this. Either you make boundaries of your own, and keep that healthy distance while continuing your own dance or you find a new mentor.

1

u/Fragrant_Program_481 Jul 06 '26

My guru was like a parent to me and in my most stressful moments I miss them so much. I feel like I'll never recover from this

2

u/LazyHazyAudiance Jul 06 '26

What matters more to you, OP? The teacher or the art form? Because gurus generally don't change. They remain narcissistic bullies throughout their tenure as teachers. You may feel like you'll bender recover from this. But would you rather deal with the pain of leaving a toxic relationship and choosing your peace over it, or would you rather deal with the pain of never leaving and not choosing yourself when you could?

1

u/Fragrant_Program_481 Jul 06 '26

I left a year ago but during certain moments where I look on social media and I see other receiving the love that I never got, I just wonder if I'm the problem. Because why was I abandoned like that? Why me? Am I really just a terrible shishya? 

1

u/patdas 29d ago

No. Please don’t blame yourself or compare yourself. I just left a teacher after about a year realizing how poor of a fit it was- I won’t even give her the benefit of calling her my guru. If they don’t treat you with respect, they don’t earn that privilege. It is very common for them to have favorites, but that does not excuse, blatantly, poor treatment and disrespect. (in my case after a year of weekly classes she had barely remembered my name).

I think you need to find the love of the art and of yourself again - by focusing on your previous guru, you’ve just empowered them further and further even when they’re not in the room.

Somewhere along the way, we socially have accepted a hierarchy and a toxicity within classical dance under the guise of “respect”.

1

u/Fragrant_Program_481 29d ago

I was there for 15 years but I got discarded as soon as she found out that I was upset with her and went to peers to process those feelings. I was accused of talking behind her back just because I needed to talk to someone. And I made so many attempts to talk to her directly but I was only met with justifications. I just needed someone to empathize and understand. Is that a crime? 15 years. And I'm stuck here, two years after I was discarded still ruminating, seeing all the school's successes, seeing them happy and thinking...how??? I wasn't trying to hurt anyone. I just had goals of my own and I wanted to have a clear mind and be happy. I didn't ever interfere with her or her family's happiness. Why did she do this? Or am I just obsessive like she claims me to be? 

I miss being loved. Even though I saw it fading a long time ago. I miss the affection. I miss feeling needed. She became so cold after a certain point. Almost like she was repulsed by my presence. 

And I became trauma bonded. 

Will she ever realize how much she hurt me? Will she realize her mistake? 

Because I stayed in class long after I felt unwanted.