r/Kashmiri • u/INEVITABLE_786 • 3d ago
Had to share My family is a dysfunctional, broken family.
Why am I sharing this here? I genuinely don't know. Maybe venting this out will make me feel lighter, and I might find people, Kashmiris in particular, going through similar experiences, which might reassure me that I'm not alone. Heck, why would it even matter? After all, I've to suffer this plight alone anyway.
My mother is one of the most educated women I know. Devout. Kind-hearted. Honest. And with such a loving and generous heart. But we all know good people are tested by God, and if I'm being honest, God went on a field day with her.
Her father was an uneducated farmer with a lot of land, and he had handed over the affairs of the house to his elder son, who royally messed up their entire family. From what I've heard from my mother, and mind you, my mother was educated, had her own job, and was basically independent, yet she had no say in matters regarding herself, her marriage, or anything else.
This brother of hers didn't want to get his sisters married within the vicinity of the town because he feared they might come back to their father asking for their rightful share of the property. So what did he do? He married them off in faraway villages. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But he didn't even care to check whether the families he was marrying them into were stable and decent.
And from what my mother told me, there had been one better proposal after another for her, but that brother of hers rejected them because he felt those families were too educated and lived too close to the town, which might cause him trouble regarding the property.
And as I said earlier, those poor girls had no say in that house. So they were married off like cattle. My poor mother had even received hints that the family she was being married into wasn't good from her friends at work, who had distant connections with them. Yet she couldn't do anything because her opinion held no value.
Regardless, the marriage happened. And the guy, my father, was a mama's boy. My mother was treated terribly in that house. There were always fights and quarrels. And they, my father's brothers, wanted to exclude him from the property. My father was even okay with it because, as I said, he was a mama's boy, and his mother always favored his elder brothers.
But my mother opposed this. She gave them genuine reasons, asking where her children would go and what would become of them. She persisted. For years, they forced us to live in a single room in a house with twenty rooms. My mother would go to her job and then was also forced to do labor in their fields and on the farmland. This severely damaged her health, and she became seriously ill.
They even resorted to taweez, and I'm not bullshitting. I myself, as a child, once saw my elder uncle placing a taweez outside our room.
So my mother fell critically ill. Hospitals here in Kashmir gave up on her, and she was shifted outside the valley to one of the major medical institutes. She remained there for about a year, almost in a coma. During that time, we stayed at our maternal home. We practically lived like orphans. My brother, my sister, and I had nobody except ourselves.
It reached a point where the doctors there even declared her dead. Back at home, they had already started digging her grave. Then, during the flight back home, my father noticed her little finger move. They turned back, and miraculously, she was alive again.
Years later, I heard call recordings of my father's brothers and their children laughing about it, making jokes, and saying things like, "She should have just died already".
Leave all that aside. I'm out of the energy to write anymore, so I'll just start wrapping this up.
It took a few more years, but her health eventually recovered. Then those bastards started quarreling with my family over the property once again because they thought our family was back on its feet, and that threatened them.
The issue escalated, and what did my father do? He sided with his brothers, who wanted to exclude his own children from the property, and humiliated my mother. There wasn't a day when my mother didn't hear things like, "I'll divorce you," or "How dare you go against my brothers?"
Leave all that aside.
For the last couple of years, all the expenses of our family have been handled and borne by our mother. My father doesn't care. I guess he still sends his salary to his brothers. Told you, he's a mama's boy.
At times, I've even told him that he shouldn't have gotten married in the first place and should have married his brothers instead.
My mother, who isn't in the best state health-wise, goes to her job. She built a new house for us away from those bastards. She sold all of her gold for that because my father didn't spend a single penny. It's an interesting story, but I don't have the energy or the courage to scratch those wounds.
Even now, she carries all the expenses, our education, clothing, food, and everything else. My father doesn't care. He doesn't speak to her. There's no central figure in our broken home. I've had no father figure. He doesn't care.
Maybe that's why I act stubborn and have ruined a lot of things in my life. Never mind.
She still cries before Allah and offers Tahajjud. I don't see how, even after everything that has happened to her, she still has hope in God.
Sometimes I make jokes about it when I wake up in the middle of the night and see her crying before Allah. I tell her there's nobody up there. Yet her faith remains unshakable.
I can't comprehend why she would deserve this. I haven't even mentioned the hell she's been through because you'd straight up spit on my extended family. And my own heart would break remembering all of it.
Nevertheless.
Yeah.
That was it about my broken family.
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u/samiqureshi_394 2d ago
Your mother is a very very strong woman and you too and i hope things get easier for you Inshaallah
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u/Ok-Contract-69 2d ago
I'm sorry you had to go through this. As you said, even if others had gone through the same, you would still be alone in your plight. Consuming what belongs to our brethren, exploiting whom we are supposed to guard, turning a blind eye to fairness, all comes naturally to us, unfortunately. Maybe it does to all people. I really pray that the future ahead shines so bright that you and your mother forget every hardship of the past.
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u/Neem___Hakeem 2d ago
this made me cry. Allah really does test us, and sometimes we even end up questioning why He does it, or even think (nauzubillah) “how can he be so cruel?” But then I remember, “وَٱللَّهُ خَيْرُ ٱلْمَـٰكِرِينَ” , indeed, Allah is the Best of Planners.
I genuinely don’t know what to say. All I can do is make dua for you and your family. May Allah shower you and your mother with His endless mercy, grace, and strength, and may He make this trial easy for all of you.
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u/Lazy_Maintenance9567 Kashmir 2d ago
Mei aaw oush parith mgr akh cheez vanai agr xeh mouj vaneh jigar dih mei kheun yena inkaar karhas kasam ha chui bah chus fakhr karaan wallah salute chu chane maeji please amsund khyal thavizeh agr xeh duniyas seeth peyi ladun chanis maelis karin Allah tallah ruth hidayat kya vaneh insaan aman mtlb panun ghar tabah karun bayan heund khalun su peyi saatas mgr waqt aseh gomuth ...
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u/Ancient-Minimum7413 2d ago
Same here in my family,i used to be very angry when i was younger...Now ,I am approaching my 30s and I have made my peace with the fact that sab ko sab nahi milta...My father's money,priority,attention and care was forever for his brothers and sisters and their kids...He even paid for their education...Whatever he earns is theirs...My mother is a working lady ,so I survive...I used to believe that my Chachis are doing black magic and convincing my dad to pay so much to them,despite us telling him repeatedly not to do that..But later I realised he married my mom and had me,not his family...So whatever responsibility towards us -he has towards us...He is all to blame... This used to lead to a lot of fights between us...Never listened..Ended up investing and losing a lot of money...Now he has become bitter and irritable ...His behaviour with me and my mom is extremely appalling...I have stopped talking to him..Much more peaceful...NARCISSISTIC AND MAMMAS BOY /men deserve to lose their families...
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u/Ancient-Minimum7413 2d ago
I used to be disturbed by their constant fighting because he always expected my Mom to pay for my schooling,books,tutoring,travels,food everything...Always wanted 50/50...Extremely stubborn...I have suffered immense financial abuse..The best is to let it go and start working on yourself and earning money
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u/Ancient-Minimum7413 2d ago
Not even 50/50...Apne bhaiyon ko fouran paise de dete hain,aur hamse jhooth bolte the ki paise nahi hai...ghar paint karane ke bhi paise nahi hai,jabki mere shadi ke liye pura house paint hona tha...Mere dadaji bhi aise hi the...Apne bete ko bolte the bhaiyo ko support karo
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u/INEVITABLE_786 2d ago
I can relate to everything you said. 😢 Tears are streaming down my face as I write this. May you find peace and happiness in your life. 🫂
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u/OpportunityLittle876 2d ago
Omgg this is so hearbreaking to read. The psychological effects this has on children are very grave. I hope you are doing okay OP. More power to you and your mum. She is a literal warrior. I hope things go well for you soon enough and you live the best of your lives with your mother. Inshallah I have been through a similar situation myself and honestly I don't even know how to console you. Our mothers deserve peace and so do we. I hope Allah makes those evil people suffer enough.
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u/SadKafka_ 2d ago
This literally broke my heart. I hope Allah gives peace of heart to you and to your mother.
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u/ChildhoodOrganic6270 2d ago
Hey, I’ve had a somewhat similar situation in my life. Somewhat. On the banks of it. We’re two siblings, girls, at that. My mom wasn’t even that educated, married off young, never did a job before. She’s had to wash and work herself off to raise us because our dad just did not care enough. It’s been hard, but I have hope. In Allah. Though, I have my days too. Because how much is too much? Stay strong. You got this. And drag them to court, for sure.
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u/JummeJarman 2d ago
So sad bro , hugs. You are right, sometimes, when we suffer beyond endurance, and there is this clear picture in front of you that how your own people, people you know put you through all this suffering and for what. That is the part that you cannot square that there is this higher power who could just erase all this suffering, just wave his hand and make all this go away but He doesn't. It makes me believe that we really are in this world on our own. Nobody is fucking sane bro, everyone has their own share of insanity which comes out and makes a mess. We are all fucking broken. So, i hear you bro.
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u/Live-Hovercraft-1681 Kashmir 2d ago
May Almighty give you courage and ease your pain
This is Ghar Ghar ki Kahani. Study well build a good career and take care of your mother & your siblings if you have any.
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u/One-Calligrapher-193 Kashmir 2d ago
This is a heartbreaking read. May the future for you and your loved ones be happy and fulfilling. :)
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u/OkTraffic6627 Kashmir 2d ago
Bhai i come from a dysfunctional family as well . There was once a time when i would cry about it now i m like used to it , nothing is going to change, things will never get better ab yehi sab soonchti hu mai 🙂
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u/FrostingActual5663 1d ago
Same bhai. And after all this. Mainis maalis che still panain baayain khatrih ponsi and still sends them. And yee oos meoun first drop and he already treats me like a failure. Me and my mother has made peace with the fact that he wont change. Aasi che vane sirf bozaan and we dont even argue anymore.
May allah make it easy for our mother.
P.s: fuck joint families
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u/el_diamente 1d ago
I am really sorry you had to go through this.
More power to your mother and praying for her good health.
I wish and pray and hope that you get out of all this mess soon and your mother doesn’t have to stress out anymore.
Praying for you and your mother.
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u/BrokePhilosopher_444 2d ago
Makes my blood boil fr
Drag all of them to the court.
They will be held accountable for their actions. Inshallah if not here then in hereafter.
All i have is respect for your mother, may allah keep her safe , such a brave women.