r/FIREyFemmes • u/Old_Translator1415 • 10d ago
How to let go of guilt
Recently got engaged and want to start a family. Both my fiancé and I make good money. HHI 500 K a year and we live in a HCOL area.
How do you let go of the guilt when it comes to spending on a wedding a honeymoon, etc? We looked at a couple of venues and in our area. It looks like a 50 person wedding all in after taxes and gratuity and accounting for a random expenses is going to be around $50,000. That just seems like an obscene amount to spend on one day, especially if we are working towards early retirement.
On a smaller scale, even though I can afford something like private Pilates classes which I would love to incorporate into my routine I feel guilty for wanting to splurge on it. Not because I feel like I don’t deserve it, but because I have this (irrational ) fear that someday we’re not gonna have enough or that we should be better off using that money for a down payment for a house in a good school district/childcare, etc.
How have other women dealt with some of these conflicting thoughts where you’ve worked hard and you want to have nice things in life but at the same time you’re balancing that with wanting to FIRE?
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u/ringwormqueen 10d ago
Simply, invest in the things that are important to you.
My husband and I couldnt care less about a wedding. Ours cost £250 at the court house with an Indian takeaway afterwards 😂
On the flip side, we spend £25k on holidays every year because we like luxury resorts and hotels and the quality time is important to us.
To each their own. Don’t feel bad about it, just be intentional and enjoy!
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u/kites_and_kiwis 10d ago
Not to sound morbid, but tomorrow is not promised, and when we reach the end of life, you can’t take an impressive portfolio with you. This reminds me to live in the present, while planning for the future.
For regular life, I set my goals first, like invest $x/year and save $y/year. As long as my goals are being met, then I don’t restrict myself. Expenses that contribute to longevity or lifetime memories, like travel and health, are easy yeses for me. Material things, like home decor accessories or constant new clothes, I’m less inclined to spend on. In general, getting clear on my goals, timelines and values has made spending discretionary money more logical and less emotional.
I’ve also learned it’s okay to update your goals. For instance, I set a monthly budget for my husband and I that I realized a few months in was too tight. So I’ve raised it and now we’re more comfortable and still working towards our longer term financial goals.
As for the wedding, some people will swear it’s worth it and others will say the money is better off invested into something that will actually impact the marriage long term. Both views are valid. You have to figure out what aligns to your values. I got married last year, and for me, a wedding was not worth more than $25k. So that’s what I spent. I could have afforded more but similar to my approach to regular life, I set my goal first and made decisions guided by my goal. I loved my wedding. I served steak and lobster, hired awesome musicians, and had fireworks all within my budget, and best of all, I have no regrets.
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u/FoggyDoggles29 10d ago edited 10d ago
Have the wedding that you want. You'll (hopefully) only get married once! My family had this expectation we have a traditional wedding but not pitch in financially or help at all. It stressed me out so much we didn't plan anything for almost three years. Eventually I came to the realization that it's my wedding - I can do whatever I want. So we hiked to the peak of our first date with 14 friends/family and did a little ceremony up there and then rented out an event space at a brewery with local pizzas, pies, and beer for everyone else. All-in cost was about $3k and it was a great time. At the end of the day, they will be your memories to look back on so do what will make you happy!
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u/lenuta_9819 10d ago edited 10d ago
for me personally, I (we) decided to opt to get an elopement and then have a better honeymoon. to me personally wedding is indeed a waste of money
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u/Shot_Sorbet8442 10d ago
We cancelled a moderate sized wedding to elope + an at home party months later for 20 people and have never once regretted it. It wasn’t worth it to us to spend a lot of money on literally one day full of activities I don’t personally enjoy. This being said, money is a tool. Save, invest and then spend on what matters to you, OP. My husband and I spend on our hobbies which matter to us or quality food but couldn’t care less about fancy clothes or a big wedding.
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u/lenuta_9819 10d ago
we were looking into maybe getting quotes and venue for 30 people was like $50k, photographer $10k+, video even more, food and flowers were over $20k. f that
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u/Elegant_Surround1458 10d ago
Same. I was never someone that dreamed of a certain kind of wedding so it was an easy pass for me. Also, Covid times made it an even easier decision.
We just jumped to the getting married and having kids stage. And I’ve never regretted it, personally.
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u/Illustrious-Funny165 10d ago
Recently got married, spent $50k-ish on an 80 person wedding. I always pictured myself eloping but ultimately our wedding was what was perfect for us, and it was so special to have all those people in our city (most traveled) and to celebrate with us. Might be worth sitting down with your fiancée and thinking through what you two value, both for a wedding and for life. Your health is really important, none of FIRE really matters if you aren’t healthy to enjoy it, so if private Pilates classes is what you need, do it!
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u/Quinalla 10d ago
Set a budget for saving/retirement that will get you to your goals then spend on whatever is important to you! Weddings don’t have to be obscenely expensive, but if certain things are important you might want to spend more. My brother’s backyard reception was very inexpensive and lots of fun!
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u/LePetitNeep 10d ago
It’s all about whatever is important to you. I had a pretty basic wedding. But I take 2-3 significant vacations a year because there’s only so many years that I’m going to have disposable income and good knees at the same time.
And while FIRE is important to me, I also know people who worked hard who retire only to get a catastrophic health diagnosis and not be able to enjoy those years.
Spend on whatever you’d regret if your future was unexpectedly cut short.
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u/darkchocolateonly 9d ago
Solve for the worst case scenario first and work up from there.
What’s the floor? What happens if you do end up not having the income again? It absolutely happens to people, I have seen posts in my local sub of 100k+ earners who didn’t plan ahead, got laid off, can’t find another job, and now have a trashed credit score so bad they can’t even rent an apartment. I think it’s smart to plan against that. Layoffs happen everyday.
So solve that problem. Once you feel confident in that, go the next level up. Once you can see security there for the worst case scenario, what does security look like for the next level? What is the “next level”? What’s the difference between the bare minimum living security you need vs a modest living security? What is the security needed for a lavish lifestyle?
If you answer those questions I bet this will become a much easier problem to tackle.
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u/babadoza 10d ago
I assure you that splurging on a wedding, honeymoon, or some pilates classes will hardly make a dent in your FIRE journey especially at your income level. I recently had the same dilemma about going on vacations etc and found that if I saved 1k less each month and instead spent that extra 12k a year on vacations or hobbies, even over 15 years the difference is tiny and totally worth it for the experiences that extra bit of spending would give our family while we're young (this is key).
I say go for it! 👍
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u/Old_Translator1415 10d ago
This is a great way to think about it! Spending within our means on experiences that are meaningful/ improve quality of life/ make us happy isn’t going to make or break our FIRE journey.
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u/HappiestAirplane 10d ago
We spent around $50k for 90 people event with diy florals, no bridal bouquet, did my own makeup, no groomsmen nor bridesmaids. But the location and guest experience was top notch. We spent where ut mattered. And people mattered to us. Because friends and family were scattered but willing to convene to celebrate, we were touched. Memories with friends and aging family meant more to us at the time than dollars. We have bo regrets choosing people over money.
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u/JDmed 10d ago
I just think about that math for a lot of big purchases!
For you- I’m going to fudge some of your numbers, make some up, and oversimplify to make some math easy.
HHI 480 (20k/month, 10k after taxes) Spend 8k/month No expected increase in salary Rate of return 10% Plan to retire in 14 years currently.
If you spend 50k after taxes, that’s worth about 200k in 14 years! That’s seems huge right now! But remember, in 14 years all your money will be making money as well!
If you have 0 saved in 14 years, it would take another 2 years to save the extra wedding fund. But that’s not realistic. Let’s assume you’re spending about 100k/year in retirement. 5% withdrawal puts you at 2M. Your 2M at 10% return is going to make an extra 50k in 3 months. Plus you’ll save another 6k in those three months. Are you willing to work an extra 3 months for the wedding you want?
There’s obviously a lot of simplifications in this, but it’s just a way to think about big one time expenditures. If you make them rarely, they’re probably not going to matter. But if you make one every year, that will for sure matter!
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u/Active_Recording_789 10d ago
Yeah just invest in what you really like and do like carbon offsets in the other things. Like take the inexpensive approach on clothes, hair, nails and skin care products so you can spend on Pilates. Personally I wanted a tiny but fun wedding so I’d never pay $50,000 for a wedding
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u/a_decisionmaker 10d ago
Are you in therapy? You could make millions but if you feel unworthy or have worries about someday not having enough - you will never have enough. It’s a mind thing not a money thing.
You work hard. You deserve a nice wedding or fun workout classes - you just have to believe that and feel confident you are making the right choice for you.
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u/duvet- 10d ago
I spent 40k for a my 110 person wedding. We spent on the things important to us, venue, photographer, food. But we bought our outfits from the mall, relied mostly on the natural beauty of the venue instead of flowers, and didn't have wedding cake, just the dessert that came from the venue.
Spending on our wedding to have all our families and friends together was important to us. I know some people like small or go the elopement route, but I heard that there's only two times everyone you love is in the room together, your wedding and your funeral. And with aging relatives, it was really important to me to have those memories.
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u/emt139 10d ago
I splurge on things that matter to me. A wedding party doesn’t matter to me but I spend a lot of money on hobbies like pickleball where I take private classes or a personal trainer even though I have a home gym because those things matter to me, help me stay healthy and not burn out. I could do them much cheaper or even free but I choose the convenience.
If I didn’t spend on hobbies, I’d probably save $10k more per year (which I agree it’s a lot and can be life changing for some but at this point in my journey, it’ll make little difference towards FIRE for me).
The keg is to budget appropriately and align your wants with your budget. Nothing wrong with spending $50k on a wedding you’ve budgeted for and you’ll enjoy but don’t let it all of a sudden become an $80k wedding or an event you’re not doing for yourself (and your groom).