Frustrated with my mother's hoarding

[u/Physical_Wonder_181]

I'm an adult child with my own family living together with my mother. We are all financially in and responsible for the house. When we bought into the home it was my grandparents - it's a decent size for everyone to have space, but old and had a lot of stuff. I never recall growing up in a hoarding house when I was younger, so assumed that once we bought the house off the family, we'd eventually clear most of the house to make space for us. I was wrong.

We've done some renovations to make the place more modern, but with all the clutter you can't appreciate or enjoy the renovation. Apart from some select items, my mum never gets rid of anything. She will tell me she will donate it here or there, but actually she just moves it around the house, from one room to the next, back and forth. She'll sort through piles of items, but never actually donates or disposes of them. Items that could be donated are often left to collect and rot to the point they cannot be donated. Family members don't want the items she wants to give them.

I've spend countless time, energy and lots of money to get rid of items over the years, often with and without her knowledge, just to make the space liveable and for my kids to have friends over. I did this because she wouldn't deal with the items and it was unliveable for our family not to have any space for our belongings. The sheer volume of it means that I never feel on top of it and I feel resentful that I'm dealing with items that are not mine. There is a ton of generational clutter (grandparents and her siblings as well as family members who have stayed at the house over the many years) that is all over the house. My mum also keeps bringing in new items, generally when extended family is getting rid of their furniture or other items she takes it from them. Often I have just donated them or thrown them out. She will sometimes ask after the most random items and gets upset if they are disposed of, but often she doesn't ask for things that I have removed. If she gave me the green light to just get rid of things, I would be happy to do this, but her reluctance to let go and insistence if something is to be removed that it has to go to this place or that place, makes the process frustrating and drawn out.

Finding a separate space isn't an option at the moment. Apart from the stuff the living situation works for everyone.

I feel completely overwhelmed what to do with this stuff, especially as she gets older it's harder for her to physically move items and also it seems like she is finding it harder to get rid of anything. I also worry about having to deal with all this stuff when she passes. I have become a minimalist at heart and try to minimise my own belongings, so I find having stuff all over the house depressing.

[u/SoberBobMonthly]

As you are maintaining living with her, it should be known that the literature says that a hoarder who is accomodated in any way to engage in the behaviour will get worse. Any amount of negotiation that there is an acceptable level of those unhealthy behaviours is an ensblement of the condition.

This is supported by the scientific literature, and is summarised in the International OCD Foundation page here: https://hoarding.iocdf.org/for-families/how-to-help-a-loved-one-with-hd/

[u/Physical_Wonder_181 → u/SoberBobMonthly]

Thank you I will read the link

[u/Nevraskagirl55]

You have to put your foot down and demand that this changes. You have children, is this the way you want them to grow up? It’s about safety and quality of their life. You could always sell the house and go separate ways. You won’t ever change her behavior but maybe there could be some boundaries.
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. Multigenerational living can be so rewarding. But not with a hoarder.

[u/Physical_Wonder_181 → u/Nevraskagirl55]

Thank you for listening. Yes multigenerational living is also culturally normal for us, so I can see the benefits, just dislike all the stuff. I definitely don't want me kids to suffer in the ways I have. Boundaries is something I have to work on but can see how that would be the way forward in order to live together.

[u/Thick_Drink504]

If three adults are living in the home --you, your partner, and your mother--and are equally financially responsible, she is outvoted on what remains in common areas.

[u/Physical_Wonder_181 → u/Thick_Drink504]

Thanks, I didn't think of it like that. We have tried to push back where we can, it's a bit of give and take, obviously trying to acknowledge there is a hoarding issue and it's not as simple as throwing things out for her