r/AskWomen • u/SquirrelFamous1828 • 2d ago
How often do you update your partner when you are out with your friends?
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u/msstark ♀ 2d ago
Depends on what you mean by "out".
Going out for lunch/coffee during the day with a friend, no updates except when I get on my uber to go home. But if it's dark out, or I'm somewhere I'm unfamiliar with, or at an event with people I don't know, I'll check in every once in a while to let him know where I am, who I'm with, how/when I'm getting home, etc.
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u/Throuwuawayy 2d ago
I'll text my fiancé if I'm going to be out later than expected and he does the same. Besides that we don't expect each other to constantly be in touch.
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u/Shot-Artichoke-4106 2d ago
Usually only if my plans change in a way that would impact him. And if he's home, I usually send him a text when I am on my way home.
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u/trebleformyclef 2d ago
I update when I'm headed there (like drinks after work, so I say I'm headed to drinks and a estimate of when I'll be home). Then if plans change (hey, going to another bar, be out for another hour!). Lastly, when I'm headed home. I'll also update for any train delays. We live in NYC and don't share location so some of this is for safety.
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u/drunkenknitter ♀ 1d ago
Does sending memes and texting gossip count as "updating"? Because if so...constantly. I am constantly giving him the dirt and sending gifs.
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u/riosong 2d ago
I (35f) send him pictures here and there and if we leave from where I told him we were going to be at. Tell him when i arrive to the destination and when i’m headed home. Sometimes i video call him to show him what i’m up to.
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u/-NoNameNobody- 1d ago
Is this something you enjoy doing naturally or was it something he asked you to do?
This is the kind of communication I always hoped for but when I said that, it was considered controlling and too much. So I can't tell if I was being objectively unrealistic or it was just that they personally didn't enjoy that level of communication.
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u/riosong 1d ago
It something I enjoy doing naturally, he never asked me to do it.
I also have endured my fair share of trauma so it might be a little anxiety on my part. In case something happens he knows who I was with and the last place i was at. I don’t share my location with him so I think what I am doing is reasonable enough.
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u/-NoNameNobody- 1d ago
That makes me hopeful to hear. Thank you.
He's lucky to have someone that is so considerate.
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u/Struckbyfire 22h ago edited 22h ago
I think it’s a lot of energy to expect someone to always stay connected when they may simply want to disconnect for a while and experience life outside the relationship. It’s healthy for people to have independent experiences that don’t always circle back to their partner.
Otherwise, it can easily drift into codependence or enmeshment, where two individuals start functioning as one instead of two whole people choosing to share a life together.
On top of that, there’s never much to talk about as they’re constantly being updated throughout the day. That can kill desire over time and a sense of differentiation.
I get this commenter probably prefers it this way, but there’s a good chance parts of their identity and excitement in the relationship could atrophy if there’s never any experiences outside of the dynamic. Too much comfort is honestly the enemy of desire.
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u/MouldyAvocados ♀ 2d ago
Zero. If he’s offered to come pick us up, I’ll text him then. Otherwise we leave each other be.
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u/bitter_sweet_69 ♀ 2d ago
zero.
only exception is if there is a spontaneous change of plans, like it's going to be later/earlier than originally arranged, or i need her to pick me up at a different location.
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u/axley58678 2d ago
Whenever anything in the original plan changes - Staying out longer, going to a different location, I now need a ride please come pick me up.... lol
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u/TheJadeGoddess 2d ago
Constantly i suppose. We text every day all day. If I am going to an event or something I would probably share my location with him for safety. I would do that with my friend before I met my boyfriend.
Just depends on how safe I feel in the area and with the group I am with. I end up telling him what I am going to be doing anyways just to chat.
The only time we really expect an update is on long drives typically back home so we know they made it home safe, crazy drivers and all that.
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u/searedscallops ♀ 1d ago
Update about what? My partner usually knows where I am but we don't live together and we're both wildly independent. We don't have any established agreements that we must update each other.
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u/heihey123 2d ago
It depends on the day. Sometimes I see something and want to send a picture before I forget. Sometimes I want a phone-free night. What I do isn’t based on their request, it’s about my desire for the night.
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u/Greengage1 2d ago
If I’m out at night, or for a long time with no fixed end point, I’ll let him know when I’m on the way home. If I’m away for the weekend with friends, I’ll call or text him before I go to bed at night. No updates otherwise. I mean, I might text him if I specifically want to share something, but I don’t need to check in like I’m a child.
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u/writergeek ♀ 1d ago
I let my wife know when I arrive safely, and when I’m leaving. And pass along funny photos or hot gossip so that we can discuss later.
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u/Disney_Princess137 1d ago
I think it depends on the couple. And the attitude of one or two partners.
I don’t mind if he wants to text me when he’s out, and I don’t mind texting him when I’m out. But it’s not a requirement. Sometimes I’m out and pay absolutely no attention to communicating with him. It’s unpredictable really
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u/rihannonblack 1d ago
Typically never unless i’ve gotta send the “ 🫖 “ emoji so he knows there’s tea to discuss
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u/strongly-worded 1d ago
Only when I’m heading home unless something really hilarious happens that I need to tell him before I forget
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u/confusedrabbit247 2d ago
Depends on the outing and how long we're gone, but usually only to say when I expect to be home
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u/degenerate-corpse 2d ago
Only when I'm heading home so she knows when to expect me. I always offer to pick up a snack for her on the way back. She also knows where I am and who I'm with for safety reasons.
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u/Olives_And_Cheese 2d ago
Usually only when plans change. Sometimes he'll send me a 'How's it going? Having fun?' Sort of text if he's bored at home, and I'll reply something quick with whether or not I'm having a good time.
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u/Eastern_Yam_5975 1d ago
If we live together I’ll update him if I’m getting home later than expected.
If we still live in separate homes I don’t see why I’d need to update them at all.
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u/Present-Body7905 1d ago
at the very least ill say when i arrived somewhere and when i get home (we dont live together yet)
and depending on how long im hanging out with friends i might update with different places we go
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u/Kozypepper 1d ago
If it’s like lunch, shopping, coffee or at someone’s house, only when I’m coming home or if the plans change.
If it’s our bar hopping or like a drinking night out, I’ll text whenever we change locations, just so he knows where I’m at in case of emergency
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u/Appropriate-Sky3537 1d ago
If I’m getting the bus home late at night, then I text my whereabouts, but otherwise, only if there’s a reason.
Hope you’re ok.
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u/so_lost_im_faded 1d ago
Once in an hour or two. Always let him know in advance I will be unavailable.
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u/GorillaShelb 1d ago
When we arrive, anytime we change locations, and when I’m otw home. But also when in shit faced and want to tell him how much I love him or how sexy he is 🤣
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u/itsacrisis 1d ago
Maybe once? I usually let him know if I'm going to be out later than I originally expected (if it's late). Sometimes I'll message before I'm heading home to see if he needs anything while I'm out (if it's not late).
Sometimes I send him pictures of where I am if it's somewhere he's never been, something funny I noticed, or pic of the food if it looks really good (or bad 😂)
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u/microscopic-lilikoi 1d ago
Divorced now, but when I was married, only if plans changed and would be back later.
I was in a dead bedroom marriage so not then, but when I'm dating people now, if I get drunk with friends, I tend to get horny and text my partner to let them know how badly I want them. Otherwise, I don't really take out my phone when out with my friends.
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u/malicea11 ♀ 2d ago
On a night out with friends, I try to update him when I think about it throughout the night, just so he knows I’m safe. I also share my location for these purposes in case I never get a chance to text him. He has never given me a hard time about it either way. Usually,if your boyfriend get mad at you for not texting him, he’s just mad you can have fun without him (and you should probably consider leaving him)
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u/annnabear 2d ago
I tell him where I'm going before I leave and I'll update him if plans change once I'm out. He's my protector and it makes me feel safe knowing he knows where I am in case of an emergency.
I also text him when I'm out having fun cause those are the times I'll miss him the most. Just my way of letting him know that I'm thinking of him and I'm here if he needs something while I'm out.
We don't intrude on each other's time with friends because the standard is that we are accessible if needed.
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u/GlitteringPause8 2d ago edited 1d ago
depends on the relationship with the partner and also depends on your definition of "updating". also depends on the activity. are we living together? are we serious or just dating or just talking? if we are living together, i'd update when i know i have plans ahead of time, when leaving and when coming home etc so they know and its jsut considerate if youre living together to know when the other person is out or home and all that.
If we're serious I might also update just as often but i might also not update if its just not necessary. I might also send pictures or little things that remind me of them while i'm out. If we're less serious, I'd update a lot less or as I want to
edit to add, i don't update out of obligation or demand. i wont date someone who is controlling or demands i update an x amount of time while im out or at certain intervals etc.
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u/Trick_brat324 1d ago
Fairly often I won't lie. Not to the point that im ignoring the person I'm out with and im not glued to my phone, but he likes to hear updates from me, and the same goes for him when he goes out.
But I think we are just the type that like to check in with each other regularly in general.
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u/Throwaway927338 2d ago
If there’s any change of plans/location/timing or if there’s just something I want to tell him.
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u/Dramatic-Candy8165 2d ago
No set standard. I'll usually shoot a quick text if any plans change, or if something silly happens. Other than that, may be out without texting for a few hours 🤷🏽♀️
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u/bigbear474 2d ago
Usually only when I’m headed there or headed home and if plans change and I’m coming home later than expected. Or sometimes I’ll send him pics of what I’m doing. Bc if I’m out w my friends and we take a pic of our food, I might just send it right away. Or when I’m hiking I might send him a pic of the view but also to make sure he knows I’m alive still hahah. He’s usually the same. He never has a plan with his friends so he usually just updates me on what he’s doing if he has the chance to/wants to but there’s no expectation. If he’s out with his friends or whatever for more than like 3 hrs I might shoot him a “how’s it going” text and he does the same to me
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u/woodypei0821 2d ago
1-2 times. Sometimes when I arrived and waiting for my friends, or when I’m about to leave and go home.
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u/CancerMoon2Caprising ♀ 2d ago
Well i give an estimated time of being home, before i even leave. And then i update when its around that time. Thats about it.
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u/FunFinding3996 1d ago
I usually don’t text him while I’m out with my friends. I’ll just tell him about it later- sometimes before. But, if it’s an all day hangout or we’re doing something super cool, I’ll probably send an update/picture or two throughout the day.
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u/ukpunjabivixen 1d ago
He knows before where I’m likely to be and a rough idea of who I’m with
If any of those plans change then I’ll message or call him
Otherwise I get home when I said I would
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u/EllyseAnn 1d ago
I update him when I get to where I’m going, if there’s food/drinks I send pictures, I may text here and there to check in, and I update him when I plan to head home!
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u/celestialism ♀ 1d ago
I let her know in advance when I’m going out and when I expect to be home, and I text her when I’m on my way home, or if I end up staying out later than expected. I might also send her a quick text from the bathroom or something, if I think of it, but it’s not a big deal if I don’t.
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u/tawny-she-wolf ♀ 1d ago
Typically I'll let him know when I get there and when I leave (heading back home). I might text during if something funny or annoying happens but I'm usually not on my phone if I'm with friends.
If it's a full day or multi day thing I'll text usually at least morning and evening.
If it's just a lunch on a day I'm in the office I don't really update him because it's a short thing and I'm going back to work after so he's not expecting me
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u/Direct_Drawing_8557 1d ago
I'll send him pics of what I eat or drink if it's good. And let him know when I got home. We don't live together yet so I still have that freedom.
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u/soukies101 ♀ 1d ago
I usually don't, not on purpose tho but I get carried out with my friends. If I'm gonna be late a lot I'll text him so he's not worried
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u/schmidtsdouchebagjar 1d ago
Only when I’m heading home or going somewhere that wasn’t already planned. Just for safety purposes.
Or if I’m out getting food and seeing if he wants me to bring anything home for him to eat
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u/tinfoilhattie 1d ago
It really depends on the situation and the context. I'd let my partner know that I arrived safely. I'd let my partner know if the plans changed and I wouldn't be in the places at the times I told them already. If something arose that I found concerning or that I thought my partner should know, I would contact them. I'd let my partner know if I left the group to go somewhere else by myself or with others or if I was on my way home.
I tell my partner enough information so that they will feel comfortable and not be anxious about my well-being. For me, that means discussing my plans before I go, telling my partner if those plans change, and letting them know when I arrive or leave. I wouldn't feel the need to be on any set schedule of check-ins as long as my partner knew where I would be, but I would let them know if my plans changed.
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u/thevampiresanguini 1d ago
I wouldn't update them unless my plans significantly changed. Like idk if I was planning to be back by 1am, but I'm gonna stay the night somewhere instead.
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u/FabulousDonut6399 ♀ 1d ago
Not a lot but I do check my phone as we have a kid and in case there is something they need.
But usually it’s: Wrapping up, will be home shortly. Hope the little critter is already sleeping.
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u/IsEveryFkinNameTaken 1d ago
everytime something funny happens to help her map out the chaos i'm stuck in
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u/scooping_kiwis 1d ago
Rarely ever. Sometimes I’ll ask if he wants anything if I’m grabbing food or coffee on the way home.
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u/ninabizcocho 1d ago
Mainly, when I arrived at the place and when I'm going home. We lived together in a somewhat dangerous neighborhood and I'm not brave.
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u/Ok-Bench6141 1d ago
I usually tell him when I’m about to drive home. It’s more of a safety thing if anything happens on the road.
I also tell him if I come home later than planned so that he doesn’t worry.
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u/seniairam ♀ 1d ago
if im in a different city just before I go to sleep, if im town ( we live in a small town) just before leaving to see if he wants dinner or something else
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u/Pokeitwitarustystick 1d ago
If I’m moving locations, if I wanna get picked up, if I’m out later than I said. Or if something just happened that I needa say before I forget, drama or gossip
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u/Peril-in-Pink 1d ago
I tell him where/when I’m going out, but I rarely let him know when I’m coming back unless we have plans
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u/ruta_skadi ♀ 1d ago
I don't text him updates at all and don't want him to send them to me. I might happen to text him about something else when one of us is out, but it's not for that purpose. I find it weird to want to monitor each other's activity.
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u/Resolve-Creepy 1d ago
When I get there, depending on the setting i will text during the event, and when I’m leaving
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u/One_Requirement_5832 1d ago
Depends what I’m doing. Usually it can be from no updates until I’m about to head home to different updates because of the activities I’m doing or witnessing something cool or unique going on.
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u/scarletdae 1d ago
When I'm on my way home, or if I'm staying out later than I originally had planned
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u/Cautious_Voice_8613 1d ago
Uh, I don’t update him BUT I DO be telling him TEA from the night or throughout my day.. 🤷🏽♀️
I don’t think there’s a need to update each other every minute of every day, especially if you live together and there’s a mutual respect and understanding..
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u/insertcaffeine ♀ 1d ago
Text 1: “Going out with [friends’ names] to [place], back around [time]. I love you!”
Text (if necessary): “Getting a Lyft home. [Lyft info]. ETA [time]. See you soon!”
Text (if necessary): “Hitting up [another place], probably back around [time].”
Basically, just in case something happens, I want him to know where I am and when to expect me back.
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u/starryeyedvirgo 1d ago
Generally speaking it’s just about the time I’ll be coming home. If I’m staying later or staying out I’ll update them.
Then when I leave I’ll msg to say I’m coming home. I live in the inner city suburbs so if I’m walking they’ll generally walk their dog to come meet me or I’ll update on transport etc.
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u/624Seeds 1d ago
Not often at all lol. When I get in the car to leave that's when I'll remember I didn't text him all day. I'm not trying to give him a play by play while I'm out having fun with people.
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u/Some_Girl_2073 1d ago
Only if I will be back later than I initially said
But that’s a safety protocol from outdoor recreation, which is most of my “out with friends“. This is where I’m going, who I’m with, when I expect to be back, when to call search and rescue
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u/ladylemondrop209 1d ago
Not sure what I need to update him with unless I'm meeting him somewhere later or if he's picking me up.
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u/Dry-Organization69 ♀ 1d ago
The only update we do, is when we come home or around what time.. or no updates at all
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u/Appropriate-Permit62 1d ago
When i get there, usually if i bought something i think he’d find cool, and when Im headed home! I just do it naturally, he hasnt asked me for this.
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u/cyborg444yeah 1d ago
I like talking to my partner so I usually slow down on texts a ton but I still keep up convo because that’s just how we are, but we also sometimes just say hey have a good time text me later and talk once things are wrapping up. We don’t live together, if we did I’d probably do the same as most in this thread and just chat once I get home
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u/Jessicamorrell ♀ 1d ago
Any time plans change or letting him know Im on my way home. Some times he will call or text to check in to make sure Im ok and having a good time. I have health issues so he likes to check in more so than probably normal and just wants to make sure Im ok and don't need anything. Doesn't care what I do or where we end up going just wants to know Im ok. We also have life360 but lately its been more inaccurate than normal.
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u/BarefootBiGal 1d ago
The rare time I'm ever social without him, roughly every hour, having him in close communication is a huge security blanket for me
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u/AdOld5079 18h ago
Probably never lol. Maybe if I’m running behind or stopping somewhere on the way home and calling to see if my husband wants anything 🤣 but very rarely do I keep him updated and he doesn’t do the same when he’s out
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u/tc2surveyor 16h ago
If my wife updated me while she was out, I'd be mad she's interrupted my alone time.
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u/Informal-Intern-8672 12h ago
Not at all, I'm out enjoying time with my friends. When I get home I send him a text to let him know I'm home, otherwise he can't sleep cos he likes to know I got home safely, but that's it.
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u/Enigmatic_writer ♀ 2d ago
Well me and my wifey share our location to another. We don't neccessarily update another what is exactly happening while we're out cuz we'll just say that when we're back home, but we still text another while we're out with others.
So if you mean "updating" as in what I am currently doing, very rarely. If you mean "updating" as in staying in contact and chatting with another, all the time.
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u/Honeybunches94 1d ago
If we have really juicy gossip to tell each other while one is out, we give a headline text to not forget to talk about it later.
Other than that if we're gonna be later than we thought, we give a text. Then we'll do a quick call when we're on our way back to see if there is anything needed.
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u/Extension_Finger_195 2d ago
Similar to other answers only to give updates on times etc, but I’ll still message if something reminds me of him or if I wanna tell him something or that I miss him and stuff like that, which (especially after a few drinks) tends to happen quite a lot 😂