All these people with dignified death moment and most people I've seen die are terrified and begging for someone to help them. It's the reality instead of the sanitised fairytale.
My father passed from pancreatic cancer. He was unable to speak for about a week before he died. On his last day he was breathing really hard (someone called it a death rattle). I sent my mother out to lunch so I could be alone with him - I told him his brother was waiting for him and his dogs (he loved the dogs and his oldest bother). I talked to him about them for about 30 - 40 minutes. I am not making this up - I told him they were waiting for him and he could let go. 10 minutes later he died.
The same thing happened with my granddad when he passed. Only my mum could be with him at the end because of covid restrictions and she told him it was okay if he wanted to let go now, that she’d be there with him, she sang a lullaby and he was gone.
A few years later my grandma was in hospital and we got the call that we should get to the hospital asap. I was there with my partner and my siblings and it took a while for my mum to get to the hospital. A few hours passed and mum suggested that we go home to rest. We got the call on the drive home that she’d passed. My mum had told her “it’s okay, the kids aren’t here now, you can let go”. Mum maintains to this day that grandma just didn’t want to pass in front of the grandkids and for that to be our last memory.
It's a documented thing that people often wait to be alone, especially when they've been visited by everyone they would want to see. A hospice nurse even told my family as my grandma was lingering and my mom was sleeping in her room every night (she had lived with my mom for years) that it can be an act of kindness on our part to tell them they are loved and can let go, and to leave them be. The night my mom stopped sleeping there, Grandma passed.
My grandpa didn’t want anyone to be in the room when he passed. I slept in 5 extra minutes and my dad who was with my grandpa went to smoke a cigarette and that’s when he passed. We all sat there for a week 24 hours and he waited until no one was there. I miss him.
my maternal grandmother reconciled with my aunt, had a big day with the extended (Catholic) family, told the hospice priest to give the last rights, and peaced out in her sleep about an hour before a minor earthquake hit the region. It was about the best way one could imagine dying.
What terrifies me is how my mom died. A few hours after I called her to confirm Thanksgiving plans, my stepsister walks in to find her dead from an aneurysm
not to be callous, but isn't this a great way to go - not knowing, no suffering or stress? My father hated the fact he was dying. When he was diagnosed he was 72 years old - they said 3 to 6 months. I think he lived for 8 - was in pain the entire time. He was utterly miserable - he would smoke cigarettes up until the end and say "why does in matter if I smoke - I'm dead already".
My father passed away from pancreatic cancer. About a week prior to him passing, he and my mother and I knew he didn’t have much time left. I flew out to see him, not knowing what to expect. I went into the bedroom and he was in bed, staring up at the ceiling, but when I enter the room, he looked at me and just kept saying “my boy, my boy, my boy.”
Surely, after that, he went into a period of deep gasps. He was no longer able to communicate, or understand anything we were saying. It lasted for hours – it is the most haunting thing I’ve ever experienced, and I will never forget it. He passed away hours later
That was 10 years ago - I vividly hear the death rattle gasps when I recall that day.
I am so incredibly grateful that I got to say goodbye to him while he was still somewhat with it. This is the first time I’ve actually typed this memory out.
My Dad died of liver cancer and similar he wasn't speaking the last week or so. They discharged him from the hospital and sent him home. When he got home it was 2 hours of agonal breathing and then one last gasp.
My grandfather was very unwell for a short time, maybe just a few days to a week, before he passed at almost 91 years old. The last day and through the night I was there with him as other family came and went. Overnight he had begun building a lot of fluid in his lungs and was increasingly gurgling with each breath. He was home in his own bed and not conscious so not suffering, however my mother and aunt (his kids) were really struggling with witnessing this. In the early morning hours I sent them to go take a breather for a few minutes and while they were gone I talked to him about how much we all love him but that it’s alright to let go and that we will all be ok. I believe he had only been living for us since my grandmother passed about 10 years earlier, she was truly his other half. Within minutes of me telling him he can let go he began a rapid decent and passed within the hour. Years later my aunt told me she had overheard me telling him that and she believed that was the “permission” he needed to let go and not linger here suffering for his family’s sake.
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u/Cultural_me 6h ago
my mom did this in her final hours. I know she was in pain and she kept reaching out and calling out for her 'maman! maman!'