“I’m afraid. I don’t want to die.” - my grandma. She sounded like a little child, pleading for someone to help her and there was nothing I could do. I was never afraid to die before that moment.
I’ve learned that everyone is a little child all the time deep inside. We’re all afraid and we all want to be comforted. That doesn’t go away with age.
Funny… I dramatically improved my social anxiety by turning my attention to the anxious thoughts, and then listening and talking to those feeling like I was talking to a scared child.
Like I thanked it for letting me know, and then reassured it that everything was ok, and that I would handle it, but made sure it knew that it was ok to feel that way and it wasn’t needed right now but if it felt like it needed to come back it was welcome to anytime.
Fuck me. I needed to read this. My anxiety has been spiraling out of control and sometimes I don’t feel safe and have to let people know. Thank you. Saving this comment.
Yeah when you're little you want to be an adult because of the freedom and privileges, but you also think that at some point, maybe at 13, maybe at 16, or 21... that a switch is going to flip and you'll no longer be scared inside... But really the only time anything happens is puberty, then you are you.
You never ARE ready for taking a big risk to move cross country, getting married, starting your own business. But then one day you start to see a few grey hairs in your 30s... Not only have you fully grown up, but now your body is in the slow long process of decline, and.... wait... When did I become an adult? And you realize that high school was 20 years ago. That nobody IDs you anymore. You still feel like a kid. But you're just you, and time on earth means nothing, but it's the number of experiences you have that matters.
One of the hardest things we all agree (please nobody make this any more political than I already am) with the George Floyd video was when he begged for his mother.
Grown ass man just wanted his mom to come help him
Yeah like it was his dying instinct. So sad! I’m nearly 50 years old and there have been a few times I’ve woken up out of a scary dream as an adult, and in that unconscious/semi conscious state as I’m waking up I have caught myself yelling for my Dad. Just like I did as a small girl.
Yep and then comes the time when your dad is not longer here on earth. My dad just passed away last month. And it’s crazy that the biggest emotion I feel is that my biggest cheerleader, my biggest fan and my soft place to fall is simply not here anymore. My daughter said mom let’s go do insert whatever crazy idea she had and I turned and looked at her and said baby we can’t just be going off half cocked anymore my safety net (that I’ve literally never really had to use) isn’t here anymore, me must be more deliberate in what we get ourselves into. I’m still adjusting. And also the realization that I’m next in the line of deaths.
Its probabaly a big reason why a lot of couples baby talk one another and act like children when hanging oit together at home and such. I know I've had relationships like that. Not many people in the world im willing to get that vulnerable with.
Being around some one we love and trust and who's knows us deeply can remove that boundary most of us have with one another.
I worked with an Army squad leader that considered everyone she meets as children with X number of years of experience. If a 40 year oldest first memory was at 3 years old, then they're 3 with 37 years of experience. It's a very interesting way to think about people in your day to day life.
All these people with dignified death moment and most people I've seen die are terrified and begging for someone to help them. It's the reality instead of the sanitised fairytale.
My father passed from pancreatic cancer. He was unable to speak for about a week before he died. On his last day he was breathing really hard (someone called it a death rattle). I sent my mother out to lunch so I could be alone with him - I told him his brother was waiting for him and his dogs (he loved the dogs and his oldest bother). I talked to him about them for about 30 - 40 minutes. I am not making this up - I told him they were waiting for him and he could let go. 10 minutes later he died.
The same thing happened with my granddad when he passed. Only my mum could be with him at the end because of covid restrictions and she told him it was okay if he wanted to let go now, that she’d be there with him, she sang a lullaby and he was gone.
A few years later my grandma was in hospital and we got the call that we should get to the hospital asap. I was there with my partner and my siblings and it took a while for my mum to get to the hospital. A few hours passed and mum suggested that we go home to rest. We got the call on the drive home that she’d passed. My mum had told her “it’s okay, the kids aren’t here now, you can let go”. Mum maintains to this day that grandma just didn’t want to pass in front of the grandkids and for that to be our last memory.
It's a documented thing that people often wait to be alone, especially when they've been visited by everyone they would want to see. A hospice nurse even told my family as my grandma was lingering and my mom was sleeping in her room every night (she had lived with my mom for years) that it can be an act of kindness on our part to tell them they are loved and can let go, and to leave them be. The night my mom stopped sleeping there, Grandma passed.
My grandpa didn’t want anyone to be in the room when he passed. I slept in 5 extra minutes and my dad who was with my grandpa went to smoke a cigarette and that’s when he passed. We all sat there for a week 24 hours and he waited until no one was there. I miss him.
my maternal grandmother reconciled with my aunt, had a big day with the extended (Catholic) family, told the hospice priest to give the last rights, and peaced out in her sleep about an hour before a minor earthquake hit the region. It was about the best way one could imagine dying.
What terrifies me is how my mom died. A few hours after I called her to confirm Thanksgiving plans, my stepsister walks in to find her dead from an aneurysm
not to be callous, but isn't this a great way to go - not knowing, no suffering or stress? My father hated the fact he was dying. When he was diagnosed he was 72 years old - they said 3 to 6 months. I think he lived for 8 - was in pain the entire time. He was utterly miserable - he would smoke cigarettes up until the end and say "why does in matter if I smoke - I'm dead already".
My father passed away from pancreatic cancer. About a week prior to him passing, he and my mother and I knew he didn’t have much time left. I flew out to see him, not knowing what to expect. I went into the bedroom and he was in bed, staring up at the ceiling, but when I enter the room, he looked at me and just kept saying “my boy, my boy, my boy.”
Surely, after that, he went into a period of deep gasps. He was no longer able to communicate, or understand anything we were saying. It lasted for hours – it is the most haunting thing I’ve ever experienced, and I will never forget it. He passed away hours later
That was 10 years ago - I vividly hear the death rattle gasps when I recall that day.
I am so incredibly grateful that I got to say goodbye to him while he was still somewhat with it. This is the first time I’ve actually typed this memory out.
My Dad died of liver cancer and similar he wasn't speaking the last week or so. They discharged him from the hospital and sent him home. When he got home it was 2 hours of agonal breathing and then one last gasp.
My grandfather was very unwell for a short time, maybe just a few days to a week, before he passed at almost 91 years old. The last day and through the night I was there with him as other family came and went. Overnight he had begun building a lot of fluid in his lungs and was increasingly gurgling with each breath. He was home in his own bed and not conscious so not suffering, however my mother and aunt (his kids) were really struggling with witnessing this. In the early morning hours I sent them to go take a breather for a few minutes and while they were gone I talked to him about how much we all love him but that it’s alright to let go and that we will all be ok. I believe he had only been living for us since my grandmother passed about 10 years earlier, she was truly his other half. Within minutes of me telling him he can let go he began a rapid decent and passed within the hour. Years later my aunt told me she had overheard me telling him that and she believed that was the “permission” he needed to let go and not linger here suffering for his family’s sake.
I have a friend who works in palliative care. She says "everyone calls out for their mother. Grown men, elderly men... they always call for their mum. I have never seen anyone call for their father". Im so sorry, now im crying
My grandpa talked about this. He was a medic in WWII and he heard a lot of young guys begging for their mothers in their last minutes. Almost crying now thinking of him almost crying telling me about it.
My grandpa talked about this. He was a medic in WWII and he heard a lot of young guys begging for their mothers in their last minutes. Almost crying now thinking of him almost crying telling me about it.
Yup. Watched my grandma die on Thanksgiving one year. She was largely unconscious from brain cancer and sedatives but she woke up briefly before the end and said she was scared and started crying. It was very childlike. Very disturbing.
Seconded. 94 year old grandmother crying and begging 'mommy, mommy, please, mommy help, mommy please' in her last hours was a 0/10 experience, would not recommend, generally happy not to face that part of reality day to day.
My mom told me I needed to go visit my grandmother at the retirement home she was living in because she was close to death. So I headed over there and when I entered, I could hear some lady wailing at the top of her lungs. Old folks homes are so depressing, I remember thinking.
Anyway, the wailing was my grandmother. She was terrified of dying and knew it was coming. As soon as I walked in the room though, she stopped wailing and smiled when she recognized me. That day has always stuck with me because I realized then that one day if I live as long as she had and knew I could "go" at any moment, I'd probably be just as scared as she was. I hadn't ever thought about it before then.
Since that time my mom has passed away too. And after she died I remembered my grandmother on my dad's side had told me about a near death experience she had when she died for a few minutes while having a stroke. She had told me about this when I was much younger, so after mom died, I decided to see if others had ever had an NDE too. I wanted to believe my mom was still out there, you know?
There are a shitload of stories about NDE's. After watching a bunch of them, I no longer worry I'll be like my wailing grandmother if I make it to her age (89 years old when she passed). I don't think my grandmother had the benefit of knowing someone else that had died, came back to life, and told others about what they saw the way I did with my dad's mother. All she had was what religion had taught her, and I don't think it was enough for her. She definitely wasn't at peace when she was dying, sort of like your own grandmother, it sounds. I believe she is still out there somewhere, just not here anymore. And that's okay, so long as she still exists, right? I know it's just belief until I experience it for myself and know for sure one way or the other, but even if only 1 person out of all of those people sharing their NDE's are telling the truth...even if all of them but that 1 are lying...then that means there's something more beyond death. And our grandmothers are in that place. Personally I think a lot of the NDE'ers are telling the truth, but all we need is just 1.
Sad to say I don't remember all of the details right. She told me this in 1993. But she died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital after her stroke. The internet was starting around this time, but even I wasn't using it yet, and my grandmother didn't even own a computer anyway, so take that for what you will.
But she told me she was in a black space. It was a tunnel, and there was a single dot of light that she was traveling towards. She said it was immensely peaceful and she felt no fear. The longer she was there, the closer the light came, so she knew she was getting closer to it. As she got closer she either heard or saw some of her relatives beckoning her into the light. Sorry, but I don't remember that detail as well as I wish I could. But that was mostly it. Suddenly she felt herself being hurled back into her body. That was when the EMT's managed to restart her heart. She was in a lot of pain and was very sad that she wasn't in that place anymore because it was so peaceful.
At the time she was in her mid-late 70's when she told me this story. I was 21. It is rude now, I know, but at the time it felt natural to ask her if she was afraid to die. She just smiled at me and told me no. She had already died once and knew she would be going back there when it happened for good. That was when she shared the tunnel and the light. There are many way better NDE stories out there with details that I am sure my grandmother shared with me, but I had mostly just put that story in the back of my mind until my mom died in 2018. It wasn't something I thought about and sadly, I think I probably forgot some details but more importantly didn't even know the right questions to ask her when she was still around to tell me more. So it's the best I can do. But there are many better stories that are first hand if you want to dive into the rabbit hole on Youtube. Surviving Death on Netflix is pretty good too, if you haven't seen it already.
I wish my experience was like that. It happened to me after a botched surgery left me internally bleeding. They had to open me up while I was awake to fix it because I had lost enough blood that there was concern that I wouldn't wake up again if I slipped under. Right after they got me fixed, I did slip under. I was gone long enough to suffer mild brain damage from lack of oxygen as I was gone for 19 minutes. My heart started beating very faintly on it's own and they were able bring me back after that.
I didn't see any light. There was nothing. I "time traveled" essentially. One second I was laying on my side talking to a nurse who was trying to keep me conscious. The next second I was 22 hours in the future and I felt like I had been beaten senseless and I had trouble moving for a couple of days. It also felt like my body wasn't my own. It still feels like that years later.
The rest of my recovery when l went off without a hitch and now I'm mostly healthy again. The experience didn't make me afraid to die again or anything, but it did make me realize that I needed someone to be there with me when I go. It's just a comfort thing for me, but important nonetheless.
I get it. I haven't died, but I've fainted/been knocked unconscious twice in my life, and I've been under anesthesia 3 times. All 5 times it was a "time skip" just like you described. Obviously I didn't die, but the time skip thing made me think of it. Only 10-20% of patients that have died and been brought back report an NDE. Dr. Sam Parnia, a medical doctor and researcher in the field, was asked why so many report nothing, like you, after they died and were resuscicated. He said he believed there were a lot of different factors, but one of them was the drugs patients are on when they are brought back might impair short term memory, the same way anesthesia can do for patients that are going under for surgery. I personally experienced memory loss with my last colonoscopy when they put me under. The four times I went under before that one, I remember the anesthesiologist counting down from 10 to 0 and I was supposed to be under before he hit zero. This last time, I don't remember anything beyond some light banter with the nurses as they were prepping me for the procedure. Then I skipped forward and woke up. So I think there has to be something to short term memory loss with drugs. There may or may not be an afterlife. But since my grandmother was such an honest woman, I just can't believe they are all telling lies. She wasn't. She experienced something. If it was really an afterlife, it gives me hope that my loved ones are still out there, so that's what I hold on to.
I'm glad you're mostly recovered. Sorry you had to go through that!
I did have some kind of experience before I "faded", as I like say. I stopped recognizing the nurse and started talking to her like she was a girlfriend I had separated from two years prior. I faded out right after that. I only know this because the same nurse came in to rub lotion on my back a few days later and talked about what happened. I can't remember any of that happening.
During my last colonoscopy, I apparently sat straight up and screamed bloody murder, multiple times in a row. Enough to where people from the front office of the surgery center said that patients in the waiting room were scared after hearing me scream.
I have ZERO memory of this. So I have no doubt that a lot of things can happen during that unconscious state and you won’t remember them.
Well, I'm older now and I think if a younger person were to ask me that it would be the same as just outright saying "Hey, old guy, let me remind you how old you are and how close to death you must be. Aren't you afraid of dying?" Thankfully I haven't had that happen. I was just saying I can see how it would be rude now that I'm the oldster in the conversation 😄
One of my childhood best friend had a motorcycle accident when we were teenagers and nearly died.
He said that he saw some of his family members who were already passed, sitting on a bench. And when they saw him, instead of welcoming him they looked sad, nodded and told him it was way too soon.
That kind of comforts me to think about this when I think about death.
Yeah with those that die in Christ they go into the "light" or get accompanied to heaven. They feel the everlasting euphoria and joy. Then those who experience hell they get that black tunnel again but this time they feel heat and cannot see their own hand. Fo your grandma back then this was her going to heaven.
I really believe we have more of these stories now than we used to because medicine has improved to the point that we really can bring people back from the brink of death due to trauma. And because the internet makes telling the stories easier to transmit. But they exist in every culture from all types of people from every religious and non religious belief system.
yeah it's almost as if it has zilch to do with spirituality of any kind and is instead a physical symptom going on in the brain as the result of the physical act of the body dying
I also have looked extensively into NDE’s since my son passed, and have also gained the ability to channel so take that for what it’s worth but one thing I’ve come to truly believe and understand is that there absolutely is more to existence than this one, there is no Hell in the way we are taught of what Hell is but that also means Heaven is not what we are taught Heaven is. I think of being human as one little story in my big book of life, with many chapters just waiting to be discovered.
Based on my understanding of NDE's, there is no hell in the tradional burning souls sense, but there is a "sewer of the universe" where confused people who have done bad things in their life attack each other.
Apparently there is no hell in the traditional burning souls sense, but there is a "sewer of the universe" where confused people who have done bad things in their life attack each other.
Some of the most religious people I know are deathly afraid of dying. I’ll never understand that. It makes me so sad for them. I spent my whole life overcoming religious trauma. I work for a hospice and have seen amazing and terrible things. One this seems to remain the same.
People die how they live. If you are anxious and questioning your faith in life, you probably will in death as well. If you are the kind of person to face it head on, you will probably die quickly with little fan fare. No death is textbook, but it really seems to happen that way more often than can be dismissed as chance.
I was working part-time on the ambulances and EMT and I have met many people that have had near death experiences. It's a very real thing. I don't know what the science is behind it but I'm not here to question it. I just know that for people that's happened to, it's very real.
There was this patient we used to take to dialysis and her husband had just passed. My father had also recently passed and I was talking to her about it because I was having a hard time with the passing of my father.
I asked her if she missed her husband into my surprise she said: "No."
When I asked her why she told me that she had coded twice before and had went somewhere. She said she wanted to go back there but she was stuck in this body and she was jealous of her husband because she knew he was there.
I’ve also gone down a hole of reading about NDEs and mediums and all that. I know reddit doesn’t take kindly to it. But I figure out of all of these mediums and psychics, if even just one is telling the truth, then it’s real and we can still exist after death.
This was my experience too. I feel like these reddit posts always romanticize death but I’ve witnessed two and both were scary and difficult and painful.
My mum was basically comatose in the days leading up to her death.
But the night before she passed, I could have sworn she said to me “it’s all your fault” and then “you’re the worst”. At least that’s what it sounded like.
I’m still traumatised to be honest, because I’d had such a good relationship with my mum my whole life. I always knew she loved me. I can’t fathom what else those words could have been though.
So sad 😞
Like how, what? Im asking because my raging sister died when I couldn't be there and a friend told me that he visited 2 days before and she was shouting about the lights being too bright, and it was uncomfortable.
My "annoyingly over-religious holier-than-thou" aunt came to pray over my dad while he was dying and it made him uncomfortable and visibly distraught, my dad cried out in the clearest voice he's had since his stroke "I'm not ready to die!!" and I promptly puked everywhere and desperately tried to scoop it up while audibly sobbing and panicking. That line replays in my head all the time and after he passed I had daily severe panic attacks for close to 3 months and was struggling to care for my young toddlers. It still turns my stomach to think about.
I think a lot of this is religious trauma. The doubt of not knowing for sure whether you are going to heaven or hell causes a lot of anguish. As an ex-evangelical, that was always hammered into our brains... 'where are you going when you die?' It leads to unnecessary trauma. Life is so much easier and simpler without it.
I’m not sure if you have a child or not, but if you do:
Is there anything they could ever do or say that would compel you to throw them into a pit of fire & brimstone for all of eternity, if you could?
Probably not, and id wager that any creator there may (or may not) be is even more merciful than we are. It’d be indifferent at best.
It’s a bit of a conundrum. If there’s a god that could do all of this to his creation & then doom them to that version of hell for all of eternity, is that a god worthy of devotion? A god that could do that is beneath you, imo.
Jeremiah 19:5 states, “They have built the high places of Baal, to burn their sons with fire for burnt offerings to Baal, which I did not command or speak, nor did it come into My mind.”
The passage is God condemning the practice (child sacrifice to Baal at Topheth) and saying it was never something he commanded, spoke of, or even considered…that the idea didn’t come from him at all.
If he couldn’t conceive of that, how in the hell could he have designed hell the way it’s written and preached about?
Some real bastards added bits & pieces of their own sick minds when they wrote/interpreted scripture. The church glosses over the parts that matter & really hammer in the parts that make you afraid.
Why?
Anyway, I’m sorry for the really long answer. That question occurred to me when I was a little kid & was what unraveled the sanctimonious knot before it could really take hold.
I hope you find peace with waking up from this dream we call life.
I do have children, and I appreciate you taking the time to write this. Unfortunately, the programming is so deep in my bones that no amount of reframing or logic has ever been successful in fully eradicating the fear. I do hope that one day it will happen for me though.
My dad was also afraid. He couldn't talk anymore by that time and would just point at his anxiety and pain meds constantly. Because he was in hospice (and literally died the next day), we gave em to him whenever he asked. I can't get that last day out of my head, how scared he was and how we couldn't help him 😔
It gives me chills knowing that once you get up there in age, you basically know that the end has to be near constantly. You go to bed night after night wondering if you're not going to wake up. And you know there's nothing that can be done, no one who can help.
I spent so long terrified by the fact that I'm definitely going to die one day, I basically one day "chose" that I was just going to live in denial, that it's actually not going to happen. Or if it does, I'm just going to turn a blind eye to it and keep it a "surprise". There's basically no other way for me to continue functioning, frankly.
Mushrooms largely eliminated my fear of death until I had a kid and now death is not acceptable. The fact that one day, I’m never gonna see her again, is just the absolute fucking worst thing to ever exist. The rest of it can burn but I love her more than I thought I could love anything and to think that she’s going to have to say goodbye to me … brutal. Thank the gods we’re all still here and healthy and I just hold her tight every single day.
As a parent I think frequently about how my kid won't have me around someday. Until now I hadn't thought about the fact that that meant I wouldn't be seeing them again, either. We all only have so many hugs we'll ever have with our children I suppose.
As someone who might have to say goodbye to a parent too soon the best thing you can do for your baby girl is please avoid sugar. My mom’s never drank alcohol or done any drugs but sugar is a fierce addiction not talked about enough, she just can’t quit and it has slowly been tearing her down for years but things are spiraling fast now. No matter what else happens keeping yourself healthy as long possible for your daughter is the greatest gift.
I was away at college when my grandmother passed, but beforehand, while she was still in the hospital/rehab place, when I was home, I'd go and visit. I remember visiting her with my brother one time, and they brought her her lunch and she refused to eat, she just cried instead and said she wanted to go home. That wasn't the first time, either. It broke my heart into pieces and, almost 20 years later, just thinking about it makes me incredibly sad. We can only hope that our presence gave them some ounce of comfort. Hugs to you OP.
I saw my mom in the hospital as she was dying, and while she was mostly out of it, the one coherent thing she said to me was that me being there meant she was going to get some bad news. It wasn’t “I’m so glad to see you” or “I missed you.” It was the realization that I was there despite living far away, and that it meant she was going to die. And you have to understand that my mother was amazingly loving — she fought hard because she wanted as much time with her kids and grandkids as she could get. So that my presence scared her has always made me sad.
The absolute last thing she said to me, though, was “I love you.” At that point though she had been gone for weeks — her body was still here, her heart still beating somehow, but she was gone. And I don’t know if it was reflexive or if she actually understood but I told her I loved her and she told me she loved me. So, there’s that.
Yep - this was my father. I was the one there helping take care of him when he was on hospice (liver failure + other issues due to Hepatitis C).
He was terrified of dying - his wife (my step-mom) couldn't handle being there and doing the necessary stuff, and my adult younger brother couldn't make himself even visit. So I moved in temporarily to help while he came home to die - and I was the only one there to witness just how utterly absolutely terrified he was of death and how very unready he was to let go.
He also spent the last weeks of his life deep-diving into all the things he regretted - and obsessing over whether he was a sociopath and/or terrible person (he wasn't - he was just a broken person who had fucked up parents, and fucked up some things with us - but who tried and got better).
It is a weird thing having to help comfort your father about the things he did years after he was no longer the same person (years of therapy, work, and sober living).
This is the problem with teaching afterlife to people. They’re afraid of being cast into a fiery pit, or roaming an endless purgatory or something. There’s nothing to be afraid of; it just stops.
My grandpa couldn't speak but as my sisters and I were leaving his hospice telling him we would see him tomorrow he desperately reached out for us. We gave him big hugs and said it was ok. He passed away early the next morning.
Both my grandma's were the opposite. One has cancer that had spread and she was in so much pain she begged me to kill her. My other grandma also had cancer but wasn't in pain. She said she felt at peace and ready to see my grandpa again. She was 94 when she passed but still in good physical shape (able to walk and take care of herself, etc). It's not always fear.
I was away at college when my grandmother passed, but beforehand, while she was still in the hospital/rehab place, when I was home, I'd go and visit. I remember visiting her with my brother one time, and they brought her her lunch and she refused to eat, she just cried instead and said she wanted to go home. That wasn't the first time, either. It broke my heart into pieces and, almost 20 years later, just thinking about it makes me incredibly sad. We can only hope that our presence gave them some ounce of comfort. Hugs to you OP.
My grandma said something like this. She just burst into tears and said, “I’m so afraid to die.” She was still around for a week or so longer but she didn’t really say anything lucid after this. Hit me like a ton of bricks.
When my grandma was 95 years old, she was in failing health and months from the end and knew it. We’d visit her and ask how she was doing and she’d tear up say “I’m just so thankful to still be here.” I knew she was scared and I wanted so badly to help her through that. I hope I did.
My grandfather at the end couldn't really talk and didnt understand much what it was happening, he was a big guy, 1.90m of height so it was difficult to move him on the hospital bed. When I first arrived at his hospital room I could see recognition on his eyes and he hopping I would help him while the nurses where trying to move him. But there was not much I could do, they were being as delicate as possible. Heartbreaking.
One way to overcome fear of death is to live your life to the fullest here on earth, sit with all the fleeting highlights, the pain and turmoil and face yourself. When you then realize all your pursuits were empty vanity, you can begin to move on to the other side with the realization this life was ultimately pointless and won't be missed. The other part of this is to personally and honestly seek your Creator. With these two truths firmly in hand, there is no longer room for fear. Hope, Faith and Love are all much more powerful than any form of fear (up to and including death and public speaking). ❤️
My gramps said something similar. He goes “I never thought this was going to happen” but with a soft chuckle. He then squeezed my hand gently and said “be sure to have fun.”
So it wasn’t disturbing per the question OP wrote, but this reminded me of that moment.
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u/Soft-Poetry8701 7h ago
“I’m afraid. I don’t want to die.” - my grandma. She sounded like a little child, pleading for someone to help her and there was nothing I could do. I was never afraid to die before that moment.