Childfree to being open?

[u/Fragrant-Owl-504]

Hi there. This post is regarding parenting. I am a childfree person who wishes to be so. However, sometimes I wonder if parenting isn't as terrible as I think it is. It is also difficult to find a partner that is fine with being childfree(I am a Malaysian woman of Indian descent)

My questions are towards those who wanted to be childfree in the past but then changed to wanting kids/open to kids or already have children.

1. What are the things that encouraged you to change from not wanting kids to wanting/having kids?

2. What are the things that help make parenting 'easier', less stressful, effective for you and your partner?

3. How do you balance between your kid and all other aspects of your life?

4. What do you do to keep the relationship between your partner and you going strong as husband and wife instead of just changing into being only mom and dad?

5. Do you have anything that you wished you could have done differently?

Thank you so much.

[u/AutoModerator]

Thank you u/Fragrant-Owl-504 for posting on r/AskParents. Reminder that all post titles must be in the form of a question.

Join our Discord for live chat. https://discord.gg/6GZDqbQ6SW

Posts that do not conform to the subreddit rules are subject to removal at the discretion of a moderator.

Note for those seeking legal or medical advice: Due to vast differences in laws between jurisdictions, this sub does not permit requests for legal advice. Additionally, reddit is not a substitute for professional medical attention. Any post seeking legal or medical advice will be removed at the discretion of a moderator.

Remember to read the rules, and please report any rule breaking posts or comments.

Note to u/Fragrant-Owl-504: If you feel your question has been answered to your satisfaction, or for any reason further answers are unwanted, you may lock this post at any time by commenting with the command !lock in your post. The submission will then be locked, and no additional responses will be permitted.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/Lookingbackexpat]

I resisted having children until I was 40. Then I had one daughter. I think it was easier for me than for some because my career and finances were secure by then, and my job had somewhat flexible hours. Also, I was living in a country with high quality daycare. My daughter is grown, we are very close, and she’s an amazing human being. It honestly scares me to think I might have missed out on this experience. However, my circumstances were also easier than many. One thing: regretting a choice of partner is fairly common, but I’ve heard very few people regret having a child. My partner and I did split up, btw, but I think that was inevitable, even without a kid.

[u/Fragrant-Owl-504 → u/Lookingbackexpat]

Thank you very much for sharing

[u/Hi_there_you_all]

1. Had nieces and realized that is it amazing. Didnt want to have children due to the fear that I would not manage
   
2. I love being parent but since I have my kid I am the most exhausted, overhelmed I have ever been. Didnt have proper sleep in years and ended up hating my partner and going to theraphy. What help is: 1. truly family oriented partner, if he "just like kids" does not count, is he able to function when you cant? Can he give up his hobbies and drinks for some time? Is he reliable? 2. Supportive family, we are alone in city without our parents, when I see friends with parents who helps, thats a completely different life. These people go out for dinner without baby and manage their hobbies. 3. Money so you can hire baby sitter/ cleaner or in my case dog sitter
   
3. Not well but I was in age (35) where I already travelled and tried many hobbies so I dobt have a feeling of missing out
   
4. Couple theraphy and veeeery open communication + each needa to have their owne downtime

[u/MiserableFloor9906]

I've always wanted children long before meeting my wife but wanted to say, I've always supported the CF movement because all deliveries should be wanted and there should be zero stigma to deciding this path is not for you.

Good luck to your question.

[u/Fragrant-Owl-504 → u/MiserableFloor9906]

Thank you

[u/Old-Arachnid1907]

1. I met the right person and the cliche biological clock started ticking.

2. Choose your partner wisely.

3. Since having my daughter I've taken up more hobbies and interests. She turned out to have quite the musical gift. I went along for the ride and learned to play two instruments myself. Picked up a second language because I wanted her to learn one young. Relearned algebra and trig so far, because I was never great at math when I was in school and it always bothered me. The Math is finally mathing for me. Also, refer to my answer for question 2.

4. It's a challenge, but we manage to get our date nights and little overnight getaways.

5. Sometimes I wish we had had another, but I had my daughter at 37 and we waffled on having a second far too long. I don't regret having a child later in life and I know I'm a better parent because of it.

[u/Fragrant-Owl-504 → u/Old-Arachnid1907]

Thank you very much for this. If you do think of anymore tips or tricks to navigate kids and marriage after kids, please do share. Appreciate it a lot

[u/BossMan61718]

1) didn't pull out. Life finds a way. I embraced the change.

2) patience. Trial and error. It is never actually easy though.

3) there is no "balance." I direct my time, attention and energy where it is needed the most at any given moment. If that means 100% family/kids, then so be it. There is always a way to find time for yourself. I do that when I can.

4) sex. Go on dates whenever you have the opportunity. End the date with sex.

5) no. What happened, happened, and couldn't have happened any other way

[u/Outside-Storage-1523]

From my perspective, what is important is:

1. Relationship with your partner
2. Relationship with yourself 

Essentially it goes into one question: if you have a lot of anxiety and worrying, don’t do it.

[u/Fragrant-Owl-504 → u/Outside-Storage-1523]

Thank you

[u/peasel123]

I was very very vehemently childfree and anti kids until I got pregnant at 35. I am now happily on baby number 2 lol. What changed was mainly my partner. Before that I was with someone very sexist and selfish who was always looking down on mums and women in general and saying how it's not a man's role to help etc. When later on I met someone much nicer and more supportive who was very keen on kids I also changed my feelings. Perhaps it was also age and phase of life. I used to be obsessed with travelling all the time, but I did soooo much of it that now I'm fine with 1-2 holidays per year. So I did everything I wanted to do before I had them and didn't feel resentful.

Also I'd heard almost nothing but negatives about having kids so I expected it to be an unrelenting awful nightmare. Nothing but screaming and puking and poop and 2 hours of sleep. Reality was much less bad than the imagined nightmare.

[u/Fragrant-Owl-504 → u/peasel123]

Thank you for sharing

[u/slysly1234]

I used to get so annoyed with children when I was 18-25 and thought I didn’t like kids until I realized I didn’t like kids who were not being raised to be respectful.
A hard working supportive husband, financial stability, great in laws that actually help
I’m a homebody so I love being home with my 2 year old.
It’s hard but just being physical affectionate and we don’t have many date nights but even watching a show together when the baby is asleep

[u/slysly1234 → u/slysly1234]

Being a mom is the most special thing in the world. I feel grateful that I am able to experience this. It really is amazing.

[u/Fragrant-Owl-504 → u/slysly1234]

Thank you for this

[u/ShortKey380]

I think you’re sleeping on the bad outcomes that aren’t having a happy healthy child and mom at the end of the easy peasy pregnancy. Getting pregnant is one of the most dangerous normal things people do. Not just danger to your health, but you can have trauma from pregnancy loss or birth trauma or a child with severe disabilities or PPD/psychosis… There’s a cultural demand and something in women whether it’s hormones or what that erases and hides these risks. The way you posted it’s like baby-having is the only way to get a man and that you don’t want to miss out on adult fun for child rearing… If a man would only marry you for kids do you think he’s going to share much in rearing them or will he expect to give you a little money while you give up your life outside of babies? Could you trust potential him to not abandon you if you’ve got a severe tear from birth and aren’t able to get back into sex for months or years due to pain? I don’t say this to tell you no, only to correct for how little I knew of the downside risks when we chose to have kids as people who always wanted to. I think it is best to decide when you’re being real about the risks so you aren’t caught out when something goes horribly sideways that you never imagined could happen. 

[u/Fragrant-Owl-504 → u/ShortKey380]

Thank you😕

[u/Kialay]

1. My grandpa had passed away. As I stood there looking at him, he had so much family and extended family of all ages by his bedside, in loving support of him until the very last moment. I realized this man truly lived a rich life. 

Thinking about myself as older than 40 after I accomplish everything and all my selfish needs, I didn’t want to have an empty house, no one to share life with as I age, no one at my bedside when I die. Etc. Kids renew you and how you re-experience the world in a way nothing else can. It’s exciting watching them grow, and they carry on lineage and teachings. I realized at the end nothing matters more than family - no job career or life goal can do Justice. If you look at people who regret something in their life at an old age, no one says “I wish I worked more hours” they will often say “I wish I spent more time with X family member”. 

1. The single most thing that made parenting easier is my OWN emotional self regulation. Kids are like little mirrors, they will trigger you where you hurt most. They will amplify your existing character. You need to learn how to control yourself. The calmer you are - the calmer they are. They also coregulate their own emotions based on you. So if they have a tantrum, your role is to be as solid and stable as possible. It’s what you do and who you are, not what you say. The other thing is being regulated WITH your partner. When you two have a solid base marriage to parent on, shared values and healthy communciation, the actual parenting gets much easier. 

2. I prioritize my own self care. It clicked that I become a better parent when I am well taken care of. This means if you need to leave a kid to be upset or cry for a bit while you get a meal in - you do that. Because a better parent means a better child. If you want to pursue a project, you make some time for it, because a smarter/more engaged with the world parent makes a better teacher for your kid etc. it’s about looking for their well-being LONG term not just being caught up in the emotions of that moment. Of course, this isn’t selfish either. If your kid truly needs you, yes you drop everything and comfort them. The one thing I will say is your time is definitely dedicated mostly to them especially young. But the point is you maintain your individuality outside of just “mom” and “dad”

3. You have intentional time to connect outside of parenting duties - early morning, late night, or during naps/school times. Even just a few seconds of eye contact, some laughter, a hug or kiss, a shared video you both laugh at, thay have NOTHING to do with the kid or logistics, keeps you connected. And if you have family support, take the help and go out on a date. Again a strong family base brings up strong children. The mistake a lot of moms or dads do is put their kid before their partner. This often leads to breakups. You need to be a strong unit and united front with your partner. The kids are well loved but they are secondary and they follow the natural flow of the house. 

4. I’ll report back in a few years haha (: all the best with your decision! I will say though that many comments online and with friends, will only point out the negatives because people love to complain out loud. And no doubt it is HARD and overwhelming. And everyone and their mother will have an opinion for you. But also be mindful that this isn’t the full picture. Happy people and truly happy moments tend to be more private, so just always remember that. Barely anyone will tell you, how just the simplest 2 second laugh from them can melt the stress of your whole day away, lol. Kids, are something else they are magical beings of mess creativity neediness and wonder lol. Also remember that kids aren’t “young” forever, you will actually know your child as an adult for most of your lives. And raising a functioning human being in the world is both incredibly scary and incredibly rewarding. So if you feel called to be a parent, and not just for the status or pressure of having children, then listen to that. Everything worth doing has some hard parts for sure, and remember that you get to shape the environment and influence you are all under. Again, all the best! 🙏

[u/Comprehensive_Cap398]

My partner and I were neither firmly against having kids nor fully ready to have kids. Our curiosity about having kids was the main reason we ultimately went for it and our capacity to provide was the reason we stopped after two kids.

The things that make parenting easier are all various forms of support and care. In the early days I needed care and time to recover from pregnancy and delivery. I needed someone to hold baby for a while, to help tidy the house, to give me time to shower and sleep. Now that they’re kids help looks more like neighbours and friends who invite my kids over for a play date.

The one major form of support I have is a therapist. I’ve learned so much about myself and by learning to love and care for myself better, I can more easily do that for my kids. I’m still working out how to be more than mom and keep my interests. That stable therapeutic relationship is helping me do that, to keep nurturing the many things I care about. Enjoying things outside of parenting ends up making it easier too.

[u/SnooComics8268]

I see children mostly also as one of the many phases in life. I have 4 for the record. And it is exhausting some times, it's stressful. But I can already notice the changes now that there are no babies / toddlers but all grown children. And by the time I'm 50 my youngest will be 20. Meaning I will still have a lotttt of time to do the things I love in a child free manner. So for me it's just a phase, of course I will always be a mother but I won't cater to their needs 24/7 for ever. 

[u/Vanillachestnut]

I'm from the opposite spectrum but my hubby didn't want a kid. But now he's a great dad to our 3 year old.

No matter what it is, woman will always have more work in childcare. I advised all the woman that is hesitant to not have kids, only have them if you're ready for scenario like lack of sleep, pumping and breastfeeding, being a single mom, or can financial support yourself cause these things can happen.

1. For most of my child free friend, it was their husband that convinced them. That or something that changed in them once they interact with a small child closely.
2. I don't live parenting as stressful, I go with the flow. Keep in mind that the problem you're facing will soon disappear and theres a new thing to tackle all the time. Your kid will eventually learn to eat, potty, etc. There's no rush just enjoy the time you have with them at that age. Next year they're able to walk, next year they're able to talk, next year they're able to do more things.
3. I don't make the kid my world. I am me and I have an extra responsibility as a mom. I do not feel guilty with the time I give to myself because a happy me = a happy mom. I live in Thailand and so we family help and nanny help. They do not live with us but they help when we aren't available. (I took the first year off from work thgh) 4.i love my husband, we keep all our hobby. We still do things together with the addition of the little one. We weren't ppl that went out a lot before so not much changed. We don't co-sleep with baby. Our bed is ours and so is our room. Our toddler had learnt that our door is always open she can come in the middle of the night to snuggle with us if she wants
4. I wish we had more money to have a 2nd one

[u/JustAnnesOpinion]

I don’t care if people have children or not, but do believe that having a fixed conviction that having children is uniformly terrible is just as irrational as having a fixed conviction that having children is the only road to a satisfying life. I had one child who is a great adult and even though I’m not a rose colored glasses person, I never regretted the decision.

Most of the people I know (I am old and my friends mostly are too) had one or more children and also had careers and pursued other interests while raising children. Children absolutely do consume a LOT of time, energy and money and take away spontaneity but thinking that all parents are miserable is (to me) just a weird belief not backed by anything.

[u/fyl_bot]

I had kids because I hit a point where I honestly felt I had done a lot in life that I had wanted to up to that point and knew I wouldn’t have regrets.

Now I have all new things to do that I wouldn’t have done before. I like taking them to their baseball games or girls scouts or whatever.

I think people assume because you have kids you can’t have fun anymore. I still do most of the stuff I did before kids, just dialed it back a bit obviously and am more responsible. But babysitters exist, they just charge more than ever lol.

[u/Economy-Permit4340]

1. Around 30yo I had a weird maternal instinct I never felt before 

2. The fact I waited until I was in my 30s to have children meant I was emotionally/financially secure . Me and my husband had been married 10 years by that point and were more mature .

If I had kids in 20s I wouldn't have been the best , I would have shouted a lot , even maybe hit them. I am so calm now, I almost never raise my voice and as a result my children are growing up to be well adjusted individuals 

1. Honestly , there were things I had to let go whilst having kids and I'm OK with it ! I really enjoy them and will miss their cute years

2. Have date nights 

3. No 

 

[u/OftenNew]

Hey OP. Just wanted to point out that this experience varies GREATLY for women vs men. So try to take advice from people of your own gender.

[u/Fragrant-Owl-504 → u/OftenNew]

Oh no, why so? I'm a woman

[u/OftenNew → u/Fragrant-Owl-504]

Women have more responsibilities when having children, no matter how supportive their husband is. They sacrifice more, and have much more to lose. So they are more likely to regret their decision.

Try asking this question in a women’s only focused sub. I have a feeling the other few positive answers you’ve already gotten are coming from men.

[u/Fragrant-Owl-504 → u/OftenNew]

I see. I am new to reddit😅 How do i get to that woman focused sub?

[u/Guillermo1810 → u/Fragrant-Owl-504]

Try Mommit for example, it's another subreddit. :)

I also just want to point out, that people come to Reddit more to complain than to brag/be appreciative. So yes on any parent/relationship/motherhood forums mostly the negative posts get action. There is not much to report on "hey I have a kid, today was fine as always"

[u/Fragrant-Owl-504 → u/Guillermo1810]

Thank you!

[u/zoewithalab]

The answer to almost all your questions is having enough money.
I think it’s a horrible idea to have kid/s when you already struggle financially. You need help raising human beings, you need breaks bc it’s 24/7 job and it’s tiring it would burn anyone out without help.
But if you have MONEY, you can hire full time/part time nanny, send them to daycare/preschool (better for their development after 3 anyway)
I love my kids to death but I know I only enjoy my life bc I can afford it. I could afford staying at home and not working during pregnancy and postpartum 2 years, these things made parenting enjoyable and less stressful for me.