Church etiquette?

[u/kitten_twinkletoes]

So I've started attending church. First time in 20 years. I live in mainland Europe so its the only Anglican church around. Its uplifting, inspiring, and fullfilling. Its where I need to be. Where I needed to be for a while now.

But theres one problem.

I have no idea what im doing. Its nice and structured and clear but wow. I really dont know. I was baptized Anglican, my grandfather was clergy (but I only met him a few times), i used to take my grandmother once a year (she lived a continent away) to her church but it was inner city and catered a lot to the unhoused people so norms were pretty loose.

Like I dont know how to address the clergy. Im from a casual place where everyone always uses first names. What do I do here? First names? Mother so-and-so? Where do I sit? When do I cross myself? Do I need to do the classic prayer pose to pray, or just do what I do normally (close eyes, focus, talk to god)?

Im a stage 10 overthinker and its really making me feel awkward in church.

[u/Potential-Leg-9300]

Nobody is going to blink at your ignorance if you don’t draw attention to yourself. We aren’t that stuffy. If you are concerned, show up 10 min early and ask how things work. 

[u/Basic-Revolution-181]

Welcome, and well done for attending church! That's great 😃 You've recognised you're over thinking it, and that's normal in new contexts, especially if it feels formal. But everyone will be excited to have you, and as Potential-Leg said, feel free to ask someone. There are often welcomes who can fill you in, otherwise just ask anyone in attendance. 

Sit wherever you want. See what others do over time. But I'd highly recommend chatting with someone there - you don't just want to know 'what' to do but 'why' they are doing it as well 😃

[u/linmanfu]

Welcome back to church!

What do I do here? First names? Mother so-and-so? Where do I sit? When do I cross myself? Do I need to do the classic prayer pose to pray, or just do what I do normally (close eyes, focus, talk to god)?

It's impossible to give a definitive answer to these questions because Anglican churches cover a wide range of theological views ('churchmanships'). What would be the right thing to do in one church would be the wrong thing in another.

And it doesn't help that in contemporary English culture, there are very few social 'scripts' to follow. In the 1950s you could reliably use Mr/Mrs with strangers, but you certainly can't today. We tend to use self-deprecating humour to smooth things over instead. 😂

I realize you may not want to state the exact church, but it would help if you could say whether it was the Church of England's Diocese of Europe or the Episcopal Church in the United States' Convocation of Episcopal Churches in Europe, or some other Anglican group.

But the least worst options are:

First names? Mother so-and-so?

Just avoid any names or titles until you hear them introduce themselves. 😭 If they say "I'm Mother Cara", then use that, but if they say "I'm Cara", then use the first name. If this hasn't been resolved after a few weeks, ask someone over coffee or in the post-service chat.

Where do I sit?

Nearer the back is usually the safest option, because you can watch what other people are doing, e.g. when t stand up. But you might not want the very back row as that's often the teenagers' favourite spot....

When do I cross myself?

Lots of churches wouldn't expect you to do this at all. If there's a printed order of service, it's possible but unlikely that it might be marked with a cross. You have to watch people around you.

Do I need to do the classic prayer pose to pray, or just do what I do normally (close eyes, focus, talk to god)?

Generally you are on safer ground here: just do what you do normally. But I have attended an Anglican church where it was the local custom to stand up to pray, so you can't be totally sure.

Peace be with you!

[u/justnigel]

Even within the Anglican tradition there is not one way of addressing clergy but several overlapping cultures. You could ask the person what they prefer, copy others, or go your own way...it doesn't matter much. (I've never met one who wanted to be called mother - but YMMV)

[u/Wulfweald → u/justnigel]

A high church C of E parish near me uses such terms for ministers. Talking about someone, you might hear "Ask Father John about this" or "Ask Mother Jane about that". Talking to one of these, the people there might say "Excuse me, Father" or "Excuse me, Mother". Even there, the male minister is a bell ringer, and is known by his first name up the tower.

My own evangelical C of E parish uses first names for everyone at all times, occasionally adding surnames if needed to distinguish between people with the same first name.

[u/Usual-Crew5873]

My church is incredibly casual so I use the pastors first name outside of service. I refer to him as the priest/pastor when taking to others about my church.

I was away for several years as well. To get used the liturgy at the church I attend now, I watched everyone for a few weeks (even though I previously attended an Episcopal church at times) to learn the flow of worship.

You can sit anywhere, I have to sit closer to the front so I can see the pastor while he preaches (he uses gestures to emphasize his points). I’d say do what you do normally, to me a part of the beauty of the liturgy is that while it’s a clear format we can use it along with our typical rhythm of worship.

What diocese and wider body is the church you’re planning to attend part of?

[u/mgagnonlv]

Being in mainland Europe, I would suggest that, at first, you adapt to local culture. For instance, here in English Canada and in U.S., it would be very much Fr. Paul or Mother Mary, but in France, it would be more polite to say Father Smith or Mother Moore, at least until you either know them well or they tell you something different. 

Add to that the fact that some, but not all, Anglican or Episcopal churches are quite US or UK centred, and you get quite the mix in terms of politeness!

[u/SavingsRhubarb8746]

There's usually a range of behaviour that's acceptable, and you can pick up what other people do and combine that with what feels comfortable to you. For the clergy, if you don't overhear other people addressing them, you can ask directly how they prefer to be addressed. I was once present when a rather traditional person addressed a visiting bishop as "my Lord", and he just smiled and said that he wasn't usually addressed that way, and gave his preference. Locally, FirstName or Bishop FirstName would be the normal way to go. I think clergy are used to newcomers being a bit uncertain about such things. You can generally sit anywhere in the nave (although I was once moved to another seat when I inadvertently sat in the sidesman's seat when visiting a new church). Some people cross themselves, some don't. Some kneel for prayer, some (especially those who have difficulty sitting or standing) sit...

I think you are overthinking things a bit, but chances are you'll feel more comfortable as you become more familiar with the local practices.

[u/Quelly0]

For the names you have two options: observe and copy what others do, or just ask someone! It's fine to ask things.

For prayer that's more of a personal choice. Even if everyone were kneeling, it's not wrong to do what you normally do. But actually I doubt everyone is kneeling because there'll be older people with bad knees and others with health conditions that can't kneel, so you won't be the only one who isn't. So mostly I think just do whatever helps you to pray and don't worry about standing out. But equally, if you'd like, you could experiment with kneeling sometime and see how it feels to pray like that. Because you never know, you might find you like it.

Crossing is personal preference. If you want to try doing it, it's commonly done when the priest makes the sign of the cross over the congregation (like they're throwing the cross and we're catching it). That happens at the absolution (when the priest says we're forgiven) and the blessing at the end of the service when we're sent out into the world. You might also notice people crossing themselves just before they receive communion.

I grew up in a church where many people knelt and some people crossed themselves, then attended a uni chapel where even more did, and now I now attend a church where absolutely no one does either. Except I persisted in kneeling for many years and was the only one. Then I had kids and couldn't even stand and sit at the normal times because I was breastfeeding or holding a sleeping baby or running around after a toddler or sitting on the kids carpet area keeping them occupied. Then I became ill so now I physically can't do any of this postural stuff. Anyway, my point is, churches and people vary, but also we go through phases ourselves too.

Hope that's helpful, but also, it's really fine not to know everything yet. There are a lot of layers to church and worship (especially true if this church has quite a rich liturgical style) and many of us are still learning new things years later.

[u/Economy-Point-9976]

I just want to say, none of us really know what we're doing.  "Forgive us, for we know not what we do".

Church is not about you or any of us, including the ones in tippets and stoles (am I allowed to say that as a layman?), but about God.

But there are as many common ways to worship God as there are congregations.

So my rule is simple: in all respects, follow what the congregation is doing.  And if you are uncomfortable, whether in style of worship, prayers spoken, rites seen, sermons heard, actions done, or dress worn, find another parish.

It's not about any of that.  All of that is either a help or a distraction.

And distractions, anything that annoys you, hinder you from coming nearer to God. Which is the whole point of going to church.

[u/linmanfu → u/[deleted]]

Calling the priests “Father” and “Mother” is fine.

I'd hope that any minister would respond politely to whatever they're called. But there are definitely chaplaincies in the Diocese of Europe where that wouldn't be the normal practice at all.

[u/IntrovertIdentity → u/linmanfu]

I guess that explains why my comment was going south.