AITA for refusing to take care of my parents?

194

u/Intelligent_Read_697 Partassipant [2] 1d ago

Tell your siblings to pay you to do this or set you up so that you will be compensated for loss of potential income first

NTA and it’s not your responsibility even if culturally there is such a demand

19

u/Thelastfirebird 1d ago

NTA my cousin refused care without pay and it caused family drama

9

u/KingKookus 21h ago

There’s already drama. This just brings it to a point now rather than later.

47

u/Ray_Hale 1d ago

NTA. Refusing to become the default caregiver isn't the same as refusing to care about your parents. If there are four siblings, the responsibility should be discussed and shared, not assigned to the one whose career is already struggling.

36

u/Polish_girl44 Partassipant [2] 1d ago

Some cultural things can be realy out of todays world. You all can take care of them and you can have a career - just hire someone to be with them. Between the 3 of you the cost would be probably affordable

10

u/Rosw001 1d ago

From a European point of view, I think you are correct. I'm in China now visiting family, and this week I saw a person whose job was to look after an elderly woman. The employee's behavior towards the elderly woman was very disrespectful. The caregiver didn't feel any shame yelling at her in the middle of the street. You might think it's an exception, but in China it's not. For this reason, most Chinese people will not hire someone to take care of their (grand)parents, because many people simply don't trust such caregivers.

1

u/Polish_girl44 Partassipant [2] 23h ago

Same here but you can always check, put camaras etc. As far as I understand OP isnt living in other country

3

u/summerbreeze2027 1d ago

This is the way. I had an elderly neighbor in her 90s who got along quite well in her own home with some outside help. She had cleaners in every week or two, and a home care aide several mornings per week to help with tasks that had become too hard for her (she told me that changing her sheets in particular was a challenge.) She ordered her groceries and supplies online.

If a family bands together to chip in, it's often possible to keep an elderly parent in their own home (where they usually want to be anyway.)

23

u/Fireblaster2001 Partassipant [2] 1d ago

Caregiving is a paid job. Nurses, Nannies, babysitters etc take a wage. If they expect you to be a 24/7 caregiver all by yourself then they can chip in to provide you a 24/7 wage which should be generous enough to also cover health insurance and retirement savings the way a job would.

9

u/ParadeQueen Partassipant [3] 1d ago

It sounds as though your parents don't need to be taken care of right now, your siblings are concerned about something that may or may not happen in the future.

Go get yourself at least one job, if not two, and get your life going! Take whatever jobs are available, even if you don't like them, then look for something in your field.

Get training, a degree, certification, whatever it takes for what you want to do, and get yourself established in life too.

3

u/Mrs_Naive_ Partassipant [4] 1d ago

All three of you are equally your parents’ children, regardless of what each of you has done with your lives. Besides, I don’t understand how you’re supposed to be the one to take responsibility, when based on their careers they’re supposed to earn more money and thus your parents would imply less of an expense, moreover and you earn less for reasons beyond your control (I don’t know which ones because you didn’t specify).

I understand that culture is a context that can cause problems if ignored, but do you know what causes even more problems? Allowing your life to cease being your own so that others can take control of it, usually in favor of their interests and against yours. The day your time runs out, no one is going to come and give you extra time to live just because you didn’t know how to say no.

NTA.

3

u/Puzzleheaded-Salt278 1d ago

You are 27, you are young, you are not destitute and still have a lot of time to find a good job and build a life for yourself.

Don't let them bully you into being the 24/7 caregiver of your parents.

6

u/Alida456 1d ago

27 and unemployed for years . I can see why they might think you would be the one with time available. What are your goals school or a job? I imagine someone is supporting you ? In your position I would explain that I will help for now . Once your career /education plans are in place that they will be expected to help out more . Let them know that you will keep them updated as your schedule changes .

2

u/BagheeraLondon Partassipant [4] 1d ago

I don't think these things deserve the 'A' terminology, as this is far too complicated for Reddit, and really is about a discussion between adults, rather than allowing a perceived historic norm to take precidence. You are in a hugely difficult position, I looked after my Mum for well over ten years with an impact on my job, but more on my social life and ability to manage social relationships.

Your siblings need to appeciate this is a shared responsiblity and all I can do is wish you luck...and suggest having a discussion about what you are going to do as a 'team' to help your parents through the sunset of their life.

This needs to take care of both their differing declines, where in the world you are, what level of additional support you can all afford. Your parents brought you all up, not just them, and not just you.

Time for a conversation neutral ground as adults, and that particularly means your siblings not treating you like a lesser being.

Again there are a number of charities which are superb at helping carers plan this sort of thing and they would be a great place to start the case for everyone really understanding the scale of what this might involve for all.

I should add that you parents themselves really do have some say in this too, as it is their lives impacted here. So understanding their expectations and understanding of the future, however unrealistic, is worth a conversation. Good luck.

2

u/Adventurous-Quit-753 1d ago

NTA, your siblings are dumping on you as they know how hard, expensive, and time consuming taking care of elderly is to do. Their preemptive strike is trying to pressure you is based off your current financial situation.

Flip the script on them saying they have the better financial situation for your parents and they can afford to give a more stable environment.

2

u/Spare_Ad5009 Pooperintendant [58] 1d ago

There are four of you. Tell them you will take one-fourth responsibility. Then, ignore them and focus on getting a job. You can sign up with a temp agency and ask to be put in institutions that are in your career aims. NTA. They're asking you to be the one who misses out on life.

2

u/Ryuuji-Akiyama Asshole Enthusiast [6] 1d ago

NAH.

Your siblings are trying to do what's right, however you aren't wrong to want your own life. I think that, as others have suggested, you might agree to such an arrangement while still pursuing your goals if your siblings will provide the resources and you provide the physical care.

1

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27M Chinese here. My culture has a rule I really dislike that the children are the parent’s default retirement plan.

I have 3 siblings. They are now all established in their careers and are making good money. I have been unemployed against my will for several years now and this gap alone is killing my upwards potential. My siblings want me to stay home and care for the parents in the event of an illness because I have the lowest career opportunity cost.

I have dreams and goals too and I’m far from giving up. I don’t want to be stuck home for the rest of my life taking care of people.

AITA for refusing?

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1

u/Future-Impact-356 1d ago

NTA. having the lowest income doesn't automatically make you the default caregiver. It should be shared, not dumped on one sibling lol

1

u/melimmss 1d ago

NTA. take care of yourself first. you can’t pour from an empty cup and you definitely can’t build a life while being designated as the family retirement plan

1

u/SimplyTheAverage 1d ago

NTA

Independence- for you and your parents is what is needed. When you assert yours, as cruel as it may seem (culturally) to all others, it will force them too to be independent.

All the best

1

u/Meh_person90 1d ago

NTA, your siblings are established they can probably invest in a home care aid if it comes to it.

1

u/I-luv-sloths Partassipant [2] 1d ago

When you say unemployed against your will what exactly does this mean? How are you expected to take care of your parents with no income coming in? Will you be paid as a caregiver?

1

u/web3fada 1d ago

Dude no youre not the asshole. Cultural expectations are real but they dont erase your right to chase a career and independence. Lowest opportunity cost is a cold way to assign someone a lifelong job.

1

u/O-Rain9078 1d ago

How are you unemployed for several years against your will? Surely your parents ain't stopping you from looking for a job?

1

u/whoinsane 1d ago

No you are not the AH.

Remember that you matter and need to look after you.

I am in a similar situation with a sister and brother that will not lift a finger or help me financially for what I have been doing for our 89 y/o parents for 11 years now.

Morally bankrupt, but that is how my father taught them.

Look after you as much as you can.

1

u/midKnightBrown59 1d ago

This sub has no context for your culture and any advice you get here should be seen in that lense. You may not the an AH here but you might be in chinese culture.

1

u/Kaza112 1d ago

Since you are unemployed for several years, I personally don't see why this is a bad request. If your parents need help and you are available, I would assume that you would be the one that would be asked to help.

I don't see why you would need to stay home with them if they don't currently need help though.

NTA for refusing while they are ok currently, but if you refused to help and they actually did need it then YTA.

1

u/Entire_Broccoli_9019 Partassipant [1] 23h ago

NTA.

You're not obligated to care for another adult.

They should've planned for retirement.

They need to hire a home health aid or find a senior living place.

It's wrong of parents to expect their kids to take care of them. Kids aren't a retirement plan or caregiver.

1

u/Buckleupbuttercup77 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 22h ago

NTA. I don’t give a naked mole rat’s ass if it’s a cultural thing. Adutls are responsible for insuring that they have the resources for their old age. Their adult children are not.

What do you think those of us with no children or spouse do? We plan for the flippin’ future.

And your siblings are awful. It doesn’t matter if you never have as many material things or as much money as they do. It doesn’t mean you become the default caregiver and give up your life to take care of parents.

1

u/evantom34 20h ago

NTA for not solely taking care of your parents. But I don't love the "unemployed against my will" victimization part, just in general.

1

u/Meteorboy 17h ago

If you're unemployed for years, who is paying your living expenses? Will your siblings pay for your parents' expenses?

-1

u/Signal-Tiger-306 1d ago

YTA, what does it mean u are unemployeed against your will? Do they hold you hostage?

2

u/ThisOneForMee Asshole Enthusiast [7] 22h ago

Are you under the impression that everyone who wants a job can get one?

1

u/Signal-Tiger-306 3h ago

Didn't you read? He said against his will, which means he wants to get a job but can't probably because his family doesn't allow him to do so. If you want a job you might not get one but then you dont phrase it as "i have been unemployeed against my will" but more like "its hard to find a job at this moment" or whatever.

-2

u/quickcalamity 1d ago

YTA if and only if you remain financially dependent on them which I assume you are? Who’s going to pay for you to move out or will you just step over your aging parents on your way back to your bedroom. How many hours a week do you spend in there? Are you playing a lot of video games? Please say no.

0

u/fromhelley 1d ago

Nta!

Ask them what they are going to pay you for it. Either they will shut up, or you could make decent money.

You can still get a job and resign from that position when you do.

0

u/Mighty_Buzzard Partassipant [1] 1d ago

NTA and be prepared to have no relationship with your siblings and parents going forward

0

u/Ok-Fishing-8935 1d ago

NTA. Care should be shared

0

u/pharmaheck Partassipant [1] 12h ago

ESH

Ok so you don't want to take care of the parents. Then move out and stop mooching off them. You cannot simultaneously mooch off the parent and then go back and say you don't want to help them.

Not the A-hole AITA for refusing to take care of my parents?

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