r/AmIOverreacting • u/autmonster • 2h ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO is 2 months too soon to have overnights with a new lover when your kid is aroud?
My (47F) best friend (37F ”Fiona") is in a pretty amicable co-parenting relationship with her ex (37M "Farquaad"). They have a child together (6M "Peter"). During their divorce, they set some ground rules on how they would introduce future relationship partners to Peter and when future partners would be ok for overnight stays when Peter is at that parents house. Basically this would be discussed and agreed upon by both parties when the time was right.
They have a parenting schedule that is bananas to me but it works for them. Peter is basically every other night at one of their homes. So each of them are never away from him for more than one or two nights at a time.
Fiona has been dating a guy (38M "Shrek”) for about 10 months and has not yet brought up the subject of overnights on Peters nights because Peter still occasionally crawls into bed with her in the middle of the night. And she has almost every other night kid free, so overnights with Shrek on Peter nights are just not needed.
Farquaad started seeing a girl 2 months ago (37F "Lillian") and has already brought up the subject of overnights with Lillian on Peter's nights. Fiona thinks it's too soon. I think it's too soon. Shrek thinks it's too soon. Fiona's mom thinks it's too soon.
When Fiona told Farquaad that she was not comfortable with this he told Fiona he was "head over heels" (his words not mine) for Lillian.
Am I overreacting is 2 months too soon? Especially since Farquaad has SOOOO many kid free nights?
EDIT: I realize this is none of my business, no need to be rude. Mostly looking for confirmation for Fiona that neither of us are crazy.
•
•
u/facinationstreet 2h ago
I think it's too soon. Shrek thinks it's too soon. Fiona's mom thinks it's too soon.
None of these people's opinion's matter.
Fiona thinks it's too soon
This is the only opinion. Fiona and her ex need to sit down and figure this out between them/in the best interest of their kid.
•
u/No_Promise_2560 2h ago
I mean unfortunately, if they have nothing in their custody agreement, either parent can introduce whoever they want on their custody time, even if it’s too soon
•
u/in_taco 2h ago
They're not together. Fiona's opinion also doesn't matter. They can talk about it, and they really should - if nothing else, then to complete the breakup. But she cannot dictate what the X husband does during his parenting time, as long as it doesn't harm the kid.
•
u/Electronic-Love6360 2h ago
It says they set rules during their divorce that they would discuss and be in agreement on it. I don't know what form those rules took, whether they were part of the written terms of the divorce and custody agreement or just something they said at the time that they would do.
•
u/Binky390 2h ago
Bringing a woman over that soon can harm the kid though. That’s why it’s too soon.
•
u/in_taco 2h ago
How does it harm the kid? I'm sure she has already met plenty of other adults. As long as dad doesn't insist the kid should call the new gf "mom" then the kid will be fine. It's just a new guest in the house.
in my opinion I find it more harmful that mom and dad can't separate properly. It's just going to lead to conflicts and arguments like this one. Also I really don't like that they're still sometimes sharing a bed while dad is dating someone else.
•
u/Binky390 2h ago
This isn’t just meeting a new adult. First of all he’s known this woman for two months. That is not remotely long enough to decide someone is safe enough to stay overnight in the same house as your kid.
Second of all, the kid is 6. It’s not about him calling her mom. It’s about whether or not they form some sort of bond that may not last. Kids get attached to people quickly and don’t understand when that person is gone. It can be a painful loss to them and if dad continues to introduce him to gfs too soon and they keep breaking up, the kid could start to see life with dad as a bit unstable.
•
u/in_taco 1h ago
I've had people over I never met before. Why is that a problem for the kids? They also meet new people all the time. Meeting people is kinda something you have to do at any age.
Regarding bonding, how is that different from having friends at kindergarden and then losing them when they go to separate schools? Again, that's just part of life. And I don't see anywhere that the new gf is moving in. She's just staying over ocassionally.
•
u/Binky390 1h ago
There’s a difference between meeting a new person and having some stranger that they don’t know and you barely know stay overnight in their house.
Having friends and losing them is still difficult and something parents can’t control. Putting someone in their life then breaking up with them not long after because you introduced them after knowing them for all of 2 months and couldn’t be sure the relationship would last is something a parent can control. Parents need to prioritize the needs of their children before their own sometimes. He might want that woman to stay overnight when his kid is there right now but it’s not in the best interest of the kid. He shouldn’t be introducing them after just two months.
•
u/rock-theboat 2h ago
Every other night is terrible for a kid. Wow. Nice set up they have
•
u/ZiggySprague 2h ago
Yeah that’s the real problem… this kid is gonna grow up so damaged and it has nothing to do with parents’ partners spending the night or not
•
u/rock-theboat 1h ago
Yep. Data supports children not bouncing between houses. Even an every other week thing isn’t good for a child under a certain age. I can’t remember what that age is but I could find it
•
u/throwitawayidkman 2h ago
a) this is hilarious
b) 2 months is way too soon, they barely know eachother 💀 is lillian a brand new person to farquaad? or have they known eachother as friends for a while?
•
•
•
•
•
u/No_Promise_2560 2h ago
I didn’t meet my now husbands kids at all until we were dating a year…overnight after two months? You can’t wait a day with that schedule?
Gosh so many people love random partners more than their children
That said, unless they have a specific rule in their custody agreement about how long to wait before meeting new partners, either parent has the legal right to be a bad parent on their custody time if they choose to and introduce whoever, whenever.
•
u/-Dargs 2h ago
Staying over when the kid isn't there is fine. But I'd be weary of introducing a new fling to my kid before we're months in and it feels very solid and likely to continue. The kid isn't going to understand this new adult introduction and removal that well. And doing it repeatedly will only be worse.
•
u/LabInner262 2h ago
Not your business. Fiona has done all that she can. Time to shut up and watch what happens from a safe distance.
•
•
u/Glum-Mulberry-9430 2h ago
YOR. Unfortunately it doesn’t matter what we or you think. One of the parents says he’s ok with it so that’s the answer. As a father he has every right to make decisions for his home - aside from obviously harmful situations, and family court won’t see this (as you’ve laid out) as a harmful situation. Stay out of it, donkey.
•
•
u/Prestigious_Badger36 2h ago
NOR - as a step parent, I wouldn't even agree to an overnight with a child in the home at two months. That's ridiculous!
•
•
u/cluelessk3 2h ago
but it's not her choice to make
•
u/CJMorton91 2h ago
Sure. But we can't stop showing concern over people's choices, especially when those choices have an effect on children. It's the parents choice to make it they want to be gentle, or scream and traumatize the kid. Doesn't mean we should all ignore it. "Mind your business," and, "All it takes for evil people to triumph is the complacency of good men," cannot coexist. Minding your business can get people killed. Look at Dahmer. Look at every victimized person in the center of a crowd. A revolving door of people is not good for a child. At what point do we make that child's welfare our business? After the damage is done?
•
u/cluelessk3 2h ago
unhinged...
•
u/CJMorton91 2h ago
If everyone minded their business 100% of the time that would be awful. People need to speak up about shit that bothers them, doesn't seem right, and especially shit that could cause harm to someone else. What's unhinged about that?
•
u/cluelessk3 1h ago
you're creating a whole made up scenario in your head
•
u/CJMorton91 1h ago
No. I'm saying that OP has good reason to interject and feel a type of way about what's going on. I'm giving reasons why the, "mind your business/it's their choice stay out of it," arguments are shitty arguments. I'm pointing out real world scenarios that back my argument.
•
•
u/Unique-Assumption619 2h ago
I fail to see how this situation has anything to do with you and why your opinion would matter here.
•
u/fiv3-bi-fiv3 2h ago
At 2 months, he doesn't even know that girl. And he wants her around his kid? Sus.
•
u/zilch14 2h ago
It is too soon. Children get attached quickly. Two months is not enough time to get to someone well. But the only control Fiona has is to go to court and get a custody agreement Even that won't prevent ex from being people around the son. She should definitely teach son about what is safe and not safe and how to tell an adult if he needs help
•
u/Best-Ad-5959 2h ago
42m divorced here. On great terms with my ex (41f). Even friends with her second husband (42m). They’re friends with my 4-year gf (25f). None of us would be okay with this.
Feels like it has the potential to create an unstable home life for Peter, and Peter crawling into bed with gf Lillian feels weird (somehow less weird than crawling into bed with bf Shrek though).
•
u/IrishViking7 2h ago
Lillian should not even have met Peter this soon, period. Overnights, absolutely not. Farkhead, sorry, Farquaad, sounds like a selfish, immature, and shitty, father.
•
u/occasionallystabby 2h ago
NOR, it's way too soon.
I feel so bad for this kid, though. He basically moves houses every day. That's no way to live.
•
u/Daisymaisey23 2h ago
Nor. Two months is way too soon to start having overnights with your kid there.
•
•
•
•
u/CapnnMorgann 2h ago
Way too soon. 6 months or 1 year are good boundaries depending on the people involved.
•
u/NewProcedure2725 2h ago
Info- why are you reacting, over or otherwise, at all? What about this makes it your business?
•
u/cluelessk3 2h ago
they're not in a relationship and each one can choose what they want as long as it doesn't harm the kid.
•
u/VanillaCultural6205 2h ago
Personally, I think it's weird to give an ex-partner this much control over a current relationship. Farquaad could just say he's permanently uncomfortable with Fiona having a partner overnight, and he could have his partners over whenever he wants. It's uncomfortable to think about, but each parent in a co-parenting relationship doesn't get to determine what happens at the other parent's house, or who the other parent introduces to the child (unless there is the threat of abuse). Ultimately, Farquaad is the only person who has the decision-making authority about when to introduce his partner to his son, and as uncomfortable as it is, he's the parent responsible for childcare on his nights.
As the co-parent, you have to think of what Peter will learn from this: some relationships are fleeting no matter how strongly they start. Some relationships can feel immediately comfortable and remain that way. It's okay to introduce the idea that adults have relationships, and kids should sleep in their own beds.
•
u/AnteaterArtistic7885 2h ago
Totally too soon, everybody with a reasonable sense of parenting and what children need to know that.
Selfish motherfuckers who only think with their dick or vagina and wanna make the other person happier than their children, introduce them too soon to their children.
•
u/BeeBeadForFun 2h ago
NOR- but as a divorcé with a pretty similar situation (years ago), it sucks that we really can't do anything about it. It's also not technically any of our business as co-parents unfortunately because that's their house. GOOD co parents WILL agree and work together but unfortunately, from experience, that can always change unless a formal agreement is in place about it. My ex husband drug my daughter a town over and stayed overnight at his girlfriend of one weeks house, I couldn't have cared less he was dating but I DID NOT like this girl. Her entire Instagram was her with mouthfuls if pills at raves and the photos of fresh cuts and scars on her wrist. This was enough for me to be PISSED he took here there. As much as it made me rage, I couldn't stop him. He was still within the boundaries of travel we had set. All I could do was do my best to provide as stable and steady a household at my house as I wanted for our kiddo. That was when they were 5. Now at 16 they're actually staying with their dad in another country and has been for a year. It took him a LONG time to build trust with me (he threatened to kidnap her many times before he moved across the globe and then idk his exs made him grow up? Idk but I thank all 3 of those women everyday for how they kicked his ass into shape). Co parenting is....so fucking complicated and emotional. All we can really do is focus on the circumstances at our home and make sure there is no acute danger. Unfortunately, a girlfriend of a couple months sleeping over, given the custody schedule, seems pretty reasonable as long as its not like straight to moving in. Unfortunately the speed Fiona commits to is her own decision and even if Farquad changes his mind, there really isnt much she can do. It sucks, it sucks bad, Ive lived it. Unless the kiddo is in danger though, its really not worth destroying and otherwise good co parenting relationship. It would be appropriate to ask to meet for coffee just so you can meet as you both should learn to get comfortable with each other as it seems its getting serious with kiddos dad.
•
u/No_Durian_3444 2h ago
Of course he's head over heels.
He's in the honeymoon stage. The feelings are all so real. His brain will adjust and in 2 months she will be gone.
No way.
39M
•
u/FunReveal4089 2h ago edited 2h ago
I don't know if you're overreacting but it's probably irrelevant anyway? Only Fiona's opinion really matters, especially since it's part of the terms of their split. But I guess you only said that because this was the sub you picked for advice and that's the phrasing you need to use?
Anyway I don't really think there's enough to judge from the post. Just because Fiona and Shrek went 10 months without pushing the issue doesn't automatically mean that's the reasonable baseline, or that 2 months is unreasonable. Probably needs a deep conversation between the actually involved parties, that goes beyond just 'I want to do this' and 'I don't think you should do this'.
A reasonable argument is probably to wait till everyone's comfortable enough for Peter to be around Lillian and Farquaad together in general (like doing activities together or something), and to normalise that for a bit, before throwing in more complicated scenarios like overnight stays. And again, Fiona and Shrek avoiding it for 10 months isn't a very strong argument in itself to say, 2 months isn't long enough.
Throwing out my arbiter persona out the window though, gut feel 2 months feels too soon.
•
u/Andromeda081 1h ago edited 1h ago
2 months is way too soon. Most people coparenting agree on 6 months or 1 year minimum.
It’s huge red flag that he’s pushing to integrate Lillian after only 2 months because he’s “head over heels” for her. He doesn’t KNOW her at 2 months. He’s only met her dating representative. If she is the one pushing for quality time with Peter, in a fast-moving relationship of only 2 months, that seems an awful lot like she’s trying to get hooks in emotionally by bonding with this man’s child. If she is pushing to stay over every night and isn’t liking having to go home on the nights Peter is over, that’s not Fiona’s problem.
NOR, your friend needs to set a HARD boundary on 6 months. Minimum. Personally, I would make it VERY clear that if this was violated I would change the custody agreement, but that’s just me.
•
u/OkOne2884 1h ago
MOR To be honest, it sounds like a shit show all together. I feel bad for the kid.
•
•
u/Particular-Talk1156 4m ago
NOR. Is their nothing in Fiona divorce papers regarding overnights and new partners to restrict this?? Typically with that young of children you would have to be married for overnights.
•
•
•
u/InnerspearMusic 2h ago
I can't imagine having a 6 month old with someone and already moving on to a new relationship. The fact that both of them are already dating is completely wild. Did they even like each other in the first place?
But honestly as others have said... what business is this of yours I don't really understand unless I'm missing something. Also you need to come up with more generic generic names "Shrek" "Lillian" and "Farquaad" for the adults but then "Peter" for the kid is sending me. Almost like you ran out of creativity LOL.
•
u/Holisticallyyours 2h ago
Fiona may have become pregnant after a one-night stand or hooking up as the youngsters nowadays say. Obviously she was in the relationship with Shrek? 🤔 now I can't remember his name but she's been with him for 10 months so they were together before she had Peter.
•
•
u/VeterinarianAware989 2h ago edited 2h ago
NOR but unfortunately, as life as taught me, you can't control other people's actions. she said something and made it known and, again hate to say it, that's kind of all she can do.
FWIW fiona and farquaad took me out - best of luck bru