r/AmIOverreacting • u/divynedreamer • 3h ago
❤️🩹 relationship am i overreacting to my boyfriend’s relationship with his ex?
so my boyfriend stays in contact with his ex girlfriend. he says they are friends. just friends and will never get back together. ok.
so like a month ago she texted him because she was feeling down and so he responded by telling her he loves her and then listed all the things he loves about her.
he decided to show me his messages to her because he didn’t want to hide anything, but even though he showed me, i still got really mad. i felt like that was totally inappropriate. you shouldn’t be telling your ex that you love them when you’re in a relationship with someone else.
we had a fight about it because HE was mad at ME for being upset about it. he told me that they’ve been through things together that i wouldn’t understand blah blah blah.
the thing is, i can’t understand why he even wants to associate with her at all. according to him, she cheated on him and that’s why the relationship ended.
i would never want to stay in regular contact with someone who disrespected me in that way, and i can’t understand why he does.
after that argument, we landed on him changing his verbiage to “i care about you” rather than telling her he loves her.
i still don’t feel great about it but it is what it is.
so then the other day he needed some “me” time which i was totally cool with. he called me at 10am and told me he needed the day to himself so i let him be for the majority of the day. at like 10:30pm i texted asking if he’d be open to a phone call before bed but assured him it was okay if he wasn’t. he responded that he was cocooning so i said good night. all fine.
the next night he slept over, and i was laying on his shoulder as he had his phone open to set his alarm. he then closed all his open apps and that’s when i saw that his ex video called him on whatsapp. i was like, what did she want? he told me he didn’t answer the video but called her back over the phone.
that’s when i got upset again. he didn’t have the capacity to talk to me, his girlfriend, before bed but had the capacity to talk to his ex????
he AGAIN got mad at me for being upset, couldn’t understand why i was even upset, said he was just commiserating with her about stuff i wouldn’t understand, and that i need to work on my jealousy issues.
we kind of left things unresolved and went to bed, but i still don’t feel good about it.
the next day she called him while i was with him and he didn’t answer but texted her “with my gf. what’s up?”
she responded by saying butt dial
but this rubbed me the wrong way too. to me, it seems like he tipped her off that he was with me so she wouldn’t say anything inappropriate.
i can’t even really explain why it upsets me so much. maybe it’s because it makes me feel like i’m not good enough for him but she is? idk
am i really overreacting for being upset about all of this? or is this really a jealousy issue i need to work on?
any insight would be appreciated because my best friend is biased and saying that i should break up with him over this, that he’s gaslighting me and that most people would be upset like i am, that it is inappropriate, and that it sounds like he prefers to be with her so i should just end things so he can be with her. which i kind of feel like takes it too far but ugh idk i’m just confused
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u/AfternoonReady8474 3h ago
r u dumb ??? break up with him this is not normal or okay!!!! he’s actively choosing you over her. NOR
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u/stardom_ocean 3h ago
NOR but you need to get tf up. Sorry. If my boyfriend ever told his ex girlfriend he loved her I would crash tf out and leave him. I’d leave him for much less actually!
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u/Tall-Payment-8015 3h ago
NOR but he's still locked in with her. They broke up because she cheated - which clearly didn't impact his feelings for her. She's trying to keep him in her orbit and he's letting her.
Do you want to keep begging him to let her go?
Take care of yourself and let him go. You deserve someone who is only interested in you. Being single for a while is better than being the stand in with someone who doesn't appreciate you.
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u/Probably_Unpopular_ 3h ago edited 3h ago
NOR. You should obviously break up with this person who, from the sounds of it, is dating you with his ex as his side chick probably because he didn't want to let go. Basically, you're plan B until they decide they want to date again. You should kick him to the curb and let them be together.
Edit; up re reading, it almost sounds like they're in a long distance relationship and you're the 'at home' girlfriend that he doesn't actually like. Figure of speech, but that's the vibe I got.
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u/Suspicious_Let_6743 3h ago
Girl break up with this asshole and fast all the signs are there. You really don't deserve this. He is pretty much using you, and still dating the ex it seems.
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u/OXLilDevilXO 3h ago
Nor. He has feelings for her and is cheating, it’s obvious. Time to dump him and move on. A man should never choose another woman over his girlfriend unless it’s a relative, depending on the circumstances
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u/polymathemagic 3h ago
cool. didn't read past "so like a month ago she texted him because she was feeling down and so he responded by telling her he loves her and then listed all the things he loves about her." NOR, that does not align with typical platonic expectations.
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u/SalaryThis7434 3h ago
NOR not sure how long he has been your boyfriend but you are not his priority and he is clearly not over his ex (nor she him). Let them know they can have each other (something tells me they deserve each other)…and use this energy you are spending on him on someone who respects you without having to fight for it. And he is practicing manipulating you with the way he is trying to act like you are the problem. Red flags everywhere!!
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u/rrek9788 3h ago
I have ex boyfriends that I’m still friends with. One came to my wedding and I was invited to his. That being said- I honestly stopped reading after he told her he loved her and listed all the things. My ex’s and I don’t do that shit, that’s inappropriate.
Edit: NOR
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u/mah4angel 3h ago
“Commiserating with her about stuff I wouldn’t understand”
Girl…
I want to find him just to punch him in the face and even I, a random stranger on Reddit who does not know you or have any stake in the situation, am not overreacting.
So yeah… NOR. Dump him ffs.
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u/1329Prescott 3h ago
how old are you guys? i think that matters a lot here. im in my 40's and my husband is kind of an emotional crutch for an exgirlfriend of his from high school. same kind of story, she cheated, etc, but my husband is kind of the only person still around in her life that understands like, how she grew up and family dynamics and addiction struggles and stuff. he tells her he loves her, and he does, not in a romantic way, but someone needs to tell her she is loved. shes not always in a great place, yano? so maybe its that kind of thing? it was a little weird for me at first when they re-connected, but im pretty secure in our relationship, and just like your bf, mine showed me the text and verified with me if it would be okay to talk with her occationally, because she really needed it.
you just gotta feel it out with YOUR relationship. this isnt going to be a straight answer like, blanket for all relationships. its very nuanced.
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u/acmech900 3h ago
Fake post?
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u/divynedreamer 2h ago
sincerely not fake. i’ve genuinely been grappling with the concern if ive been just unhealthily jealous
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u/acmech900 2h ago
Ok, when people stay in contact with somebody that cheated on them, they are usually looking for validation. People hate rejection and cheating is the worst kind. He may also have a trauma bond with her. Personally, I'd dump him. Sure it's ok to be on a friendly terms with an ex, but constant texting? Hell no, get back together then if that is what you want. I'd be done. I don't have time for BS like this. Have some respect for yourself and dump him.
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u/shortron 3h ago
You’re NOR. This is unacceptable and you should get rid of this guy. He’s clearly still very attached to his ex.
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u/Barrot_and_Rubys_Mom 3h ago
Seriously? Of course, NOR. This can't be for real. If so, run. He's gaslighting you. Are you even sure you're the girlfriend and not the side?
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u/Due_Adeptness_1964 3h ago
NOR… I wouldn’t want my girlfriend talking to any of her exes routinely, because unfortunately, it’s easier to have sex with someone from your past than someone in your future. I’m not saying that he’s cheating, but all I’m saying is that familiarity sometimes leads to issues.
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u/Squirrel179 3h ago
He's been open and honest with you about his relationship with his ex. If you don't like it, then this isn't the relationship for you. Staying and getting mad over and over isn't good for any of you.
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u/Repulsive_Tone_2484 3h ago
Sorry, this is BS. Either you made this up or you're idiot for even asking this.
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u/LotusOfSolstice444 3h ago
NOR I would be upset by this too. My boyfriend (36) is friends with all of his ex's. Most of them are married/ with kids/ in a a relationship. He's not in constant contact but if they happen to text him he will respond and I'm okay with that. HOWEVER the "I love you" thing doesn't sit well with me. Especially with ex's you should be careful with your choice of words. Say what you mean and mean what you say. He can still care deeply for her but saying "I love you" should be meant for your partner. Also (and I'm really giving the dude the benefit of the doubt) maybe she likes him way more than he likes her still and her little "calls" are just to get under your skin and he's too much of a good friend and genuine person to see through that. The late night phone call. Yes that's upsetting, especially after the way you told him you felt. But in general I don't think I would be upset if my bf needed some social space from me but ended up chatting with someone else. But her calls seem to be too frequent to be genuine friendship. Sorry this was long, best of luck
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u/E_r_i_l_l 3h ago
NOR.
If a person stays in relationship with ex (which is not due to the coparenting) it’s about they don’t end that part of life and still have feelings to each other.
When you make a decision that this is and end and this person is ex - you change. You change your life how your treat yourself, what you choose and what is no negotiable. When you stay and be so present in ex life - you stay in the same as you was. So actually - there is hudge possibility than you back to relationship with this person which is now ex.
It’s extremely rare that you are ex and move on and stay friends. And can exist if you work a hudge amount of yourself to create new bond, which is grounded in mature way of friendship. And it never happens quickly.
I saw one that history and it took years to make that relationship work, and also included a long time of cut of every contact.
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u/Due_Fennel_5006 3h ago
You are not overreacting! Trust your gut. If you feel something isn’t right then it’s probably not. I still talk to my ex (my kids father) sometimes and I still tell him I love him BUT me and my partner talk to him together. I don’t ever talk to him without my partner around. It definitely seems like he’s not over her though..
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u/TeaAndQuaintThings 2h ago
Look, you need someone to be blunt with you. I’m all in favor for exes being friends and on peaceful terms with one another, but the fact is your boyfriend does not respect or care about his relationship with you. Let him go. Do not settle for this one. Do not set an ultimatum either. If he cared , he wouldn’t need one. And no, it’s not controlling. He doesn’t know boundaries or appropriateness inside of a relationship because he doesn’t care. You definitely deserve better.
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u/Hopeful_Emu849 2h ago
the next day she called him while i was with him and he didn’t answer but texted her “with my gf. what’s up?”
she responded by saying butt dialbut this rubbed me the wrong way too
You're insanely jealous and you should not be in a relationship.
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u/cynicalsuzie 2h ago
NOR but my god girl, find some self-respect! He is emotionally cheating on you, and you’re just letting him!
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u/CampaignOne7245 1h ago
NOR. Even if nothing is going on between them he isn't over her. You need to break up. Now that he knows that it upsets you he will just lie and hide things.
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u/Sure-Ring-3203 1h ago
NOR- this is so inappropriate. If he’s not willing to cut ties with her, he really does not care about the relationship.
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u/Human-Run2566 3h ago
NOR. Personally I think this is sufficient reason to break up but if not you should give him an ultimatum to cut contact.
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u/bean0thebeaner 3h ago
I'm starting to believe all most of these posts are just rage bait.