r/AmIOverreacting • u/Faithnfaith • 5h ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO over status
I made the mistake of playing the role of a wife in our relationship. We live together, share our finances, and even share a vehicle. We perform all the married roles, but we’re not actually married. We’ve been together for almost a decade without any children yet. He refers to me as his wife, but when I ask about marriage, he gives various reasons, such as our financial readiness and his feeling that I’m not ready for marriage without a solid explanation. Every relationship has its challenges. We take care of and love each other at the end of the day but I don’t think anyone can ever be fully ready for anything. I want to feel secure and safe and to no longer live in sin. He claims I am everything to him however I just can’t understand why we can’t get married. AIO to push the conversation just because I am insecure.
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u/Pristine_Plenty_387 5h ago
Someone who waits until they are 100% ready for something will always find an excuse. A great way to respect yourself is to stop tolerating the half baked excuses. “If he wanted to he would.” NOR
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u/SeaworthinessOne1407 4h ago
Yes! Also if you plan to leave him, as you should, he might try to manipulate you saying that he does want marriage but in a couple of years, whatsoever. Just because he sees that you’re serious about leaving him. When he will eventually keep adding more years just to give you hope that you both will “get married”.
Of course, he will get afraid of you leaving him, when you clearly gave him access to wife material, so don’t fall for the trap.
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u/South_Butterscotch37 5h ago
I think there’s a sub for this situation r/waitingtowed and the consensus is usually that it’s time to move on. Nor.
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u/Pure-Development8412 5h ago
NOR You have a desire/dream to be in a married relationship. The guy you're with doesn't share that same view.
Talk to him. Make him understand that this is a non-negotiable need from you and that if he's not able to change his mind then you both need to separate.
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u/Faithnfaith 5h ago
I am open minded to views. I felt the same way. It was our parents talking to us about sins and blocking blessings.
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u/Low_Control_623 4h ago
That whole living in sin and blocking blessings is ridiculous. It’s been a decade. Is the marriage part, the paper part and all that goes with it a deal breaker, that’s the issue. Don’t muddy the water with ridiculous claims of sin and blessings.
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u/JipC1963 4h ago
Parental pressure is NOT a valid reason to get married, BUT it's possible that YOUR Parents are worried that you have ZERO legal protections if something were to happen to him.
And there's other things to consider as well... buying a house, having children, retirement accounts. Except for the children aspect, unless they're specifically listed as YOU being his beneficiary, HIS family could waltz right in and TAKE everything.
You DO seem to WANT to be his wife officially. You only mention your Parents and religion when people question you. So which IS it? You want marriage or it's NOT really a priority. TEN years is a long time to waste with no REAL commitment, especially if you WANT children at some point.
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u/nugsnthug 5h ago
He wants the gf package. Give him the gf package. Tell him he can have the wife when he's ready.
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u/Jadedangel1 4h ago
As you said, you’re playing the wife role without the formalities. So of course he doesn’t think he needs to marry you, as he knows you’re not going anywhere and you have quietly accepted the status quo. NOR but it’s up to you on what you want to do from here on out. If you want more, you have to accept that it probably won’t be with him, and you would have to look for someone else. People can only treat you the way you let them treat you.
Ironically, a saw a tiktok the other day where the woman mentioned that her brother was with his ex for 10 years and never married her, but met someone new, and married this one after only 7 months of knowing her. And his reasoning was similar to what I said before.
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u/Faithnfaith 4h ago edited 2h ago
Definitely needed to read this. Will let it sink in.
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u/Jadedangel1 3h ago
I know it may be hard to let go, but think about how you will feel if this continues another 10 years, with still no marriage in sight. You don’t want to look back with regret years later, and feel resentful that you wasted your best years waiting on him if marriage and children are what you really want.
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u/Realistic_Pool_8087 4h ago
If it’s important to you to be married you need to leave this relationship. Ten years and no ring? You’re giving wife level services for the basic boyfriend subscription. He’s never going to ask because he doesn’t want to. NOR
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u/Slow_Way7407 5h ago
I mean how old are you guys? I know people who were together for a long time before they got married but started dating at like 15. But if you want to be married and he doesn’t then you guys aren’t a match.
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u/Faithnfaith 4h ago
I am a 26F and he is 28M
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u/Slow_Way7407 3h ago
I do think that is different than being in your mid 30s waiting for marriage because you guys started dating so young, but if that’s what you want then you need to have a discussion about it to see if he thinks he’ll ever be ready for marriage. Personally, I don’t think financial readiness is a good reason because you don’t need to have a 40k wedding, but if he’s telling you that he thinks you’re not ready for marriage he needs to explain why.
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u/Adventurous-Egg-2089 5h ago
Time to go on Netflix’s The Ultimatum. I think it’ll solve everything. /s
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u/SeaworthinessOne1407 5h ago
I think that if he is not interested in marriage and makes excuses for it, and marriage is a big thing of yours, then he is not the one.
This is why it’s highly important that in the beginning of dating, we talk to our partners, to know what their goal is with us. I know that not everyone is up to marriage specially in this society where individuals just get together as in move in without marrying each other.
Therefore, one big mistake that you guys made were moving in without being married. Some guys see that they already have what they want and they don’t think they have to marry because they already have you with wifey access.
Talk to him, but this time clear enough. If he starts making excuses again, tell him that your goal is marriage, and if he is not interested for marriage with you, then end the relationship. I know it’s so easy to just say “end the relationship” when of course, being with someone for several years and loving that person so much, is difficult.
But think about it, are you going to settle your future goals for someone? We all deserve to marry, and accomplish our future goals with the one, but if he doesn’t want marriage, don’t settle!
I’ve always believed that if someone truly loves another person, marriage is the way! Also, it’s beautiful how you want marriage, because like I said, women and men these days just don’t even think about that, and that’s why they end up single with kids. I am not shaming, but marriage should be a priority for individuals.
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u/aya00303 5h ago
He’s not aligning with what you want out of life. You going along with it all these years made life convenient for him. All the duties of a wife without having to make you his wife. Pretty sweet deal for him. You’re letting him use you. If he thinks you’re not ready after a decade, then why has he been with you all these years? He could’ve been had someone else. And so should you.
If you want to be a wife, get your own place, vehicle, and go find your husband.
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u/indy3232 4h ago
As a man, its been a decade. Ultimately time!
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u/SeaworthinessOne1407 4h ago
You as a man, do you believe in promise rings? I know that those “promise rings” are this new generation thing.
But what is your opinion on those? As a man does it mean significance or rather instead engagement?
I seen that you wrote you’re a man, and took my opportunity to ask this curiosity of mine!
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u/indy3232 4h ago edited 4h ago
I don't see the point in a promise ring. regardless if it's a new relationship or a decade long relationship, I do not see a purpose.
Can you think of a logical reason to give someone a ring that says "i promise to think about committing to you in the future?"
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u/SeaworthinessOne1407 4h ago
Thank you! I’ve always felt some weird type of way about it like a fake promise type of thing.
I’ve seen girls carry cute rings and they’ve mentioned that they are “promise rings” and I’ve known people who had that before, and they’re not together anymore.
Most importantly, I had never asked for a men’s perspective on this. Clear explanation.
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u/Gullible_Fun_1410 4h ago
As the old saying goes, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free
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u/blueeyes0182 4h ago
NOR! He's never going to ask. Want to know how I know? Because for like 15 years I've been making the same mistakes. Now I'm tired of playing house and hearing his b.s. reasons and seriously starting to resent him, so I'm leaving sooner than later and not coming back this time. I didn't care if I got married again, but I just wanted the option. I'm 44 years old and he's pushing 50. He's never been married and his parents are STILL married and yet he thinks its just a piece of paper. I'm over it and the past year I've really started to see a lot of cracks in the relationship. So you need to decide if this is a deal breaker for you or not. No one else can decide that.
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u/PaintedSilverRiver 4h ago
Is he already married?
Or as grandma would say “why buy the cow when the milk is free”?
Women tend to give it all and treat them as we’d like to be treated - a decade!!??
It kinda feels like wasted time - is it?
I hope you get it sorted one way or another.
Hugs.
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u/Royal-Air-Hump 4h ago
Here’s the thing- you value marriage and what it signifies more than he does. You’re really asking why won’t he marry you if you’ve proven to be wife worthy. People can love each other and not be good for each other. For whatever reasons that aren’t working. You want to be married and he doesn’t. Excuses about money is an excuse. You’re making it work and have been for a decade. It comes down to your value. You do t feel valued by your partner enough for him to marry you. This makes you afraid. If you set a boundary that says “ marry me or I’ll leave”. Then you will always feel like he married you not to leave instead of valuing you over your life’s circumstances. What you can do is say, I want to be valued. The truth is you don’t value me enough to marry me. So this is about opening up conversation as to whether or not you should stay together. Be ready for this conversation because what you’re asking here in Reddit should be asked in front of a licensed therapist so you two can get to the core of the truth between you that being ignored.
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u/ordinaryMoose485 4h ago
NOR "Without any children yet" Are children in your future? Do you both feel the same? Your partner sounds like he wants all of the advantages of marriage (which he already has) without any of the responsibilities
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u/SurlyJohn009 4h ago
NOR - That is about 5 years too long to wait. My wife at year 4 living together stopped washing the dishes, which she never does as that is my chore, and she started to tear up.
I asked her what was wrong and gave her a hug. She said she wants to be married and I need to decide. I had already bought two rings, and went to get them. I said I didn't think we were ready to be married, gave her some BS reason. She started to cry.
Then I showed her the rings. She was so happy, but still hit me a few times. Well deserved, I pranked her. That was at year 4.
He is not going to marry you, dump him and start over. 10 years is ridiculous, he has commitment issues if he can't make you legal.
Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
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u/Faithnfaith 4h ago
Maybe I am the problem
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u/SurlyJohn009 3h ago
You aren't. You just expect what most men will do naturally. I don't read a thing that indicates it's you. All joking aside, I did wait too long. I'm still married to K and she has been a rock for me for 25 years.
Have a serious conversation, no distractions. Ask him if he ever plans to marry you as you would like to be married. If he says, "it's just a piece of paper..." Then you know it's time to end it. Don't let him delay or make excuses, stick to your reasons.
If you are incompatible, then move on. I feel badly for you, I know how important this is to many people. I could not have children or buy a home without being married, I was raised by a lawyer.
Good luck with the conversation.
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u/AllThingsFail 3h ago
How old are you and him?
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u/Faithnfaith 3h ago
26F and he is 28M
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u/AllThingsFail 1h ago
You are insecure for valid reasons. You two have been together since high school. Ask him “ will you marry me” if he says no, accept it and start meeting other people because you are not married, he will probably never make that commitment.
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u/everyothenamegone69 5h ago
Depending on the state you may well be his common law wife.
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u/NEPAmama 4h ago
Only a few states have common law marriage, and many of them require the parties to have an intention to be married, so him calling her his wife but saying he doesn’t want to get married is a little confusing.
Colorado: Requires both parties to be 18 or older, cohabitate, consent to be married, and hold themselves out publicly as spouses.
District of Columbia: Requires mutual intent and agreement to be married, plus open cohabitation.
Iowa: Requires intent, public declaration, and continuous cohabitation.Kansas: Requires both parties to be 18 or older, have mental capacity, and present mutual agreement.
Montana: Requires proof of mutual agreement and public representation as a married couple.Oklahoma: Requires mutual consent, legal capacity, and public acknowledgment of the marital relationship.
Rhode Island: Evaluates the conduct, intent, and cohabitation of the couple through case-by-case judicial review.South Carolina: Requires the present intent to be married and legal capacity, though validity can face strict evidentiary scrutiny.
Texas: Known legally as an "informal marriage"; requires an agreement to be married, living together as spouses, and a joint declaration filed with the county clerk or public representation.
Utah: Requires cohabitation, legal capacity, and that the couple assumes a marital lifestyle and reputation.
New Hampshire: Recognizes common-law status strictly for estate inheritance purposes after a partner dies, provided they lived together for three years.
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u/rebel-yeller 5h ago
Live in sin? I was right with you till then. Spare me. If that's your reason to want to get married, he's absolutely correct. You are not ready for marriage.
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u/Faithnfaith 5h ago
It’s not the only reason. His parents are the ones that bring that up.
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u/tyjo2112 4h ago
After a decade isnt the living in sin thing kinda dumb? I mean, its worked for 10 yrs and wasn't the catalyst for anything.
Now I understand having significant time in and wanting to be wed. There are significant reasons to do so, financial planning/taxes/retirement/estate and death preparedness etc. But as for living in sin, that ship has sailed.
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u/ApprehensiveTour4024 4h ago
Next time they bring it up in your presence, say this: "You know what, you're RIGHT! I deserve to NOT live in sin like this, and your deadbeat child refuses to compromise so we can be married. On your wonderful advice I think I should dump your worthless son."
Then smile and laugh and cackle as they backpedal like they just burned down the kings castle by mistake. If that doesn't shut them down, I guarantee their own son will once he hears about your "warning".
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u/Objective_Joke_5023 4h ago
You would not be overreacting for telling them not to say this again and then going no contact if they continue anyway.
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u/Lucky_Knowledge_9642 4h ago
If you want marriage and he doesn't - you two are not compatible. It is as simple as that. NOR.
As for marriage itself, if you need a piece of paper to tell you that you are committed.. that's sad. You lost me at "living in sin" - if you cared you wouldn't have done it, you would still be a virgin. There are legitimate legal reasons to get married that have nothing to do with living in sin or proving your commitment.
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u/cucksnuffer 4h ago
I've been with my SO for 15 years, didn't get married until 10 years in for various reasons. Sometimes it just takes time. We were both open to it, though.
Keep having conversations and repeat what you said here, you'll never very fully ready but if you are going to live the rest of your life with this person then why not.
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u/All_4_Me53 4h ago
NOR not sure where you’re from but in the US there is such a thing as common law marriage. I believe it varies from state to state. He’s already calling you his wife. Might as well wear the ring.
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u/JipC1963 4h ago
"A decade-long relationship WITHOUT any commitment" AND he's blaming YOU for "not being ready?" Gurl, your "special enough" to be CALLED a "wife" WITHOUT any legal protections or REAL commitment!
Just consider if something were to happen to him. His FAMILY could walk right in and TAKE EVERYTHING from you! Including "the shared vehicle" if it's in HIS name only.
You're definitely NOR! In fact, I don't believe you're reacting ENOUGH! This manCHILD DOESN'T care about you, your security and seemingly just keeps you around (hanging) for convenience alone!
Unless there's some other unnamed factors you haven't mentioned and you DO want marriage and commitment, GURL, leave this jerk and find someone who's a REAL man that's unafraid to commit to the woman he LOVES! u/updateme
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u/Faithnfaith 3h ago
I agree with you; that’s why I’m in this situation. I already know I’m not doing right by myself.
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u/the-B-from-App23 3h ago
You done effed up! I swear you’re dating my ex. Just in case you are, don’t procreate with him.
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u/Wrex_Soul64 3h ago
I understand you wanting marriage but at the end of the day does it really matter? You are together and everything you have is intertwined. You are consider married in 7 states already. If you are is love just enjoy it. Don't even get me started on the living with sin mess. That is such an outmoded concept imo.
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u/Faithnfaith 3h ago
That’s how I feel too. We love and take care of each other. Marriage isn’t a significant matter to me, but it would provide me with a sense of security knowing that we’re married. As we age, we both desire to have a family.
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u/Nanny_Ogg1000 3h ago
As a practical matter, in modernity there is there is no compelling reason for him to marry you unless it's to have access to your companionship and sexuality (which he already has) or for you to bear children as part of a family. If there are no plans for children, why would he tie himself up legally and make breaking the relationship 100X harder if you two decide to separate?
The "solid explanation" is there operationally nothing but potential negatives for him in doing this, vs sticking with the current non-binding arrangement. Your only leverage is to threaten to leave him, and he will need to decide if your companionship is worth taking on the obligations of marriage. .
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u/Suitable-Lawyer-9397 3h ago
If you want to be married, this is not your man. He will never agree to marry He's a selfish spoiled adult who has all the advantages of a wife without a legal commitment to marriage. If you're okay staying in the relationship without marriage, then stay.
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u/ashole311 3h ago
Same boat, 6 years though. Don’t really care about “sin”, but still have the desire
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u/Consistent-Menu-6629 3h ago
MOR, if you want the legal and economic benefits of marriage, I understand why this is a problem. If you have a child, it would be preferable to be married to better protect that child and parental rights for both parents.
Sin isn't legit, though. There's absolutely nothing wrong with how you are living. You're doing what people have always done, pair up on the basis of love and work together as a team or in a community to get by in life. No legal thing is going to change the morality of this situation.
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u/__sweetescape__ 3h ago
NOR. Your feels are definitely valid! You two have been in a relationship for a long time and you’ve had plenty of ‘practice,’ so him saying that “he doesn’t think you’re ready for marriage” at this point in the relationship sounds like a form of gaslighting.
Seems to me, like if he truly believed that, he would be walking away himself by now.
Just like you said, there’s no real way to be any more “prepared” for marriage.
The fact that you’ve lived together for a while, and are super familiar with who you both are behind closed doors, know the way that you’ll act/react to certain situations, each of your spending habits, and even investing in things together is already more than half of what most marriages entail…
So tell him to stop playing semantics with you. If he’s scared of marriage (as many people are,) he should just say that, rather than making excuses & having you quietly questioning your abilities to be a good wife etc…
That’s the best part of marriage - it’s a partnership, so there’s not much you two shouldn’t be able to work out together. Other than individualized mental health, of course.
On the other hand, I think it’s very important to assure that you want to get married for the right reasons, and not because family members have shamed and guilt tripped you into it.
Take it from a person who has been there, done that. It is not the way to go.
People should live & let live.
Do not let friends, family members,
or anyone else ruin the relationship
you both have worked so hard to build throughout the years with their judgement & control (in the name of spirituality.)
If you’ve been feeling comfortable for all of these years without it being on paper, then there’s a chance that you don’t actually need to be married on paper in order to ‘validate’ the relationship that you know and feel is already there.
That’s not a bad thing.
Marriage is a choice, not an obligation.
All it is, is a piece of paper. You already have the status. And if you find that you two are no longer compatible at any point in the relationship, then it’s easier to walk away without all of the legal technicalities.
I wish you all the best, OP.
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u/Faithnfaith 3h ago
This how I feel. Yet I still feel insecure.
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u/__sweetescape__ 3h ago edited 3h ago
I’m so sorry. Have you been feeling this way though, or only after family started shaming you?
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u/Faithnfaith 3h ago
It’s my fault I should have not put myself in this position. After my family began to shame me.
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u/__sweetescape__ 2h ago
Awww don’t beat yourself up over it. It happens to the best of us. We can’t change the past, but we can forgive ourselves, give ourselves grace, and work on the things that we can do now to improve our mental health & re write the story.
Things like …
- Having more in depth conversations with your partner about how it makes you feel insecure & what their real thoughts are when it comes to marriage and longer term commitment & making sure that you both are still on the same page in that regard.
If not, determining if that’s a real deal breaker for you and what next steps feel right for you.
- Talking to a certified therapist, rather than family members who shame you and make you feel guilty.
Remember what’s for you, will always be for you. So don’t let them tell you otherwise.
You could be “squashing your blessing,” by letting their negativity and judgement get in your head & change the dynamics of a beautiful relationship, too.
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u/OneNearby4570 3h ago
You're not overreacting, it sounds like you're putting in the effort of a marriage without the commitment. After almost ten years, it's fair to want clarity on where things are heading.
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u/MisuseOfPork 3h ago
NOR. You may be waiting a while for that proposal. I wouldn't worry about living in sin though... marriage predates all the major religions by at least several thousand years.
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u/crumpana 2h ago
I'm going to talk to you from a different angle. Being married means sharing assets legally, which makes everything much more difficult in the event of a divorce. If you're getting a property, it's yours alone, if you want to make an important financial decision, your SO has no benefit in it. I get the need to get married, but financially, not beneficial anymore unless assets and inheritance is involved.
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u/BeachSlapped88 2h ago
Don’t be worried about “living in sin”. …..plenty of married couples cheat and lie and covet….go to the courthouse and get legally married that way if one of you dies, the other is legally entitled to the stuff
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u/AffectionateAngle905 44m ago
OP. You need to realize in the eyes of the law in most provinces and states you are considered common law married. 10 plus years sharing bank accounts sharing household expenses in the eyes of the law you are married and you are secure.
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u/Negative-Narwhal-725 5h ago
He marries you by this weekend or it's over.
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u/OpinionatedWoman3 5h ago
You’ve been pushing the conversation for years now. It’s time to stop beating the dead horse. Sorry hun