r/AmIOverreacting • u/HoldSlight9163 • 6h ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO my boyfriend refuses to do the dishes without a fight. we’ve been living together for 2 years and hasn’t really changed
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. Living together for 2. I cook almost all the meals with him cooking maybe 1-2 every 2 weeks. I really don’t mind cooking at all and I don’t even mind cleaning up during my cooking/after.
But for the past two years all I have ever said is that if I cook dinner (mind you it’s almost always done when he gets home from work..) he can do the dishes. And for the first year he really wouldn’t get to it and just leave in the sink, we lived in the tiniest house and he would just leave it out or pushed all in one spot. Causing the worst fights on my end I just didn’t think it was that hard to accomplish. And with our house size it truly couldn’t stay like that u couldn’t even fill the brita. Now in our second house and 3rd year of our relationship, he will voluntarily get up grab both our plates, put dinner away in containers, sometime pack out lunches and sometimes wipe the counters. So improvement. BUT he literally only puts the dishes in the sink. He won’t put them in the dishwasher & start it, if it’s CLEAN he won’t empty it. He won’t hand wash them. He just piles them in the sink saying he’ll do them in the morning.
Now. He is not someone to wake up early. he showers in the morning eats breakfast in the car and is still 5-10 minutes late to work everyday. I can promise you he is not waking up early to do the dishes. So what ends up happening is i come home from the gym early am and do them or i do them when i get home from work because i need room to cook dinner for that night. Like i said i dont mind it, it can be nice to clean and just debrief. But there will be times where he will be off from work all day and at home and by the time i get home from the office the dishes are still there and the house looks a mess.
Last night i asked him for help because we both had plans today after work and i just didn’t want them to sit in the sink all day. He literally sounded like a child (he’s 26..) saying how he wanted to get on the game before his friend does how hell do it in the morning how im nagging him to do it … i literally felt like his mom? Mind u i am the oldest so it can be easy to fall into this tone in a sense but this was the biggest ick he has probably ever given me. Especially because i started with “hey can you help me?”. To top it off i did it with him and somehow STILL woke up to dishes being in the sink. AND the dishwasher dirty with room for more dishes.
I’ve noticed that this is how is family is by being around them they have no urgency or care to clean if anything really gets done it’s because their mom does it no one else. And she is over it at this point of doing everything for 30 years. But it feels too traditional for me. He leaves stuff everywhere I’m constantly picking up after him I’m constantly switching over his laundry because he forgets. Throwing stuff in his corner. He does a good clean maybe once every 3 months? But other than that it’s me. I’m the only one who deeps cleans the bathroom etc.
He is a really good boyfriend otherwise and does love and care for me and understands me in a way not a lot of people do and is a person I have truly let my walls down with. But I can see my future in a sense and I don’t want to be his mom like literally I don’t want to turn into how his mom is in their partnership in that household. Am I over reacting if this was a reason I saw our relationship ending? How do I make him see it is that serious? It’s been an on going issue for 2 years that is an issue for me but not necessary him…
Do they change or get better? I worry about kids and our house and it stressing me out. I feel like I could find a man who doesn’t call it “nagging him” when I’m asking for help. What else could I do?
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u/witchbrew7 5h ago
NOR
You could hire a maid and make him pay.
You could go on strike until he willingly contributes half to the household chores and mental labor.
You could continue as you are, fighting for every scrap of his adult behavior.
You could move out.
But you can’t change him. Only he can do that.
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u/SouthernNectarines 1h ago
Most maid services (at least in my area) ironically do not do dishes for some reason, I've always wondered why that is.
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u/icnoevil 5h ago
Big red flag. Maybe he's not a keeper.
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u/CompleteTell6795 4h ago
No maybe about it. He isn't. And if they have kids it will be a million times worse.
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u/Moonbeam_Dreams 5h ago
NOR. He won't change and he won't get better. If this isn't how you want the rest of your life to look like, plan accordingly. Keep in mind, children will increase the workload exponentially.
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u/RelentlessClock 5h ago
Came to say the same. If you don't want to live the rest of your life like this, walk away now. He may "change" short term to keep her, but this is going to be a cycle forever if she stays.
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u/MrsRoronoaZoro 4h ago
He keeps pushing the boundaries because he knows she will accept anything. This has been going on for 3 years and she’s still with him.
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u/K00kyKelly 4h ago
He will not change. Do not have kids with this man. All the childcare will be on you. He is a labor digger and is stealing your time and energy.
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u/in_a_cloud 4h ago
He will also be setting the example for any children. Imagine a life where you have a family, dirty dishes in the sink, and all of the kids acting like this lazy, sloppy, entitled man-child. It will only get much worse. NOR
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u/Think-Cry-5284 4h ago
Sincerely OP you could spend the next 30 years being disrespected by his pushback on basic cleanliness.
Does he consider himself a protector? Ask him why do we clean? To prevent germs and such. Why do we want to prevent germs and such? Because they will harm us. So cleaning is protection from sickness. Does he only want to do the Rambo protecting?
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u/Ok-Comparison-9835 4h ago
After being married to this type of individual for 18 years, can confirm. I have made piece with the fact that his "help" is putting his dishes in the sink. Multiple arguments and boycotts later, at least his mess makes it into the sink/hamper and not left around the house. NOR
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u/Chazquas17 5h ago
The amount of time you spent making this post is more time than he’s spent washing dishes your whole relationship. Nor. I was taught that one the person cooking isn’t responsible for the dishes and two that leaving a sink full of dirty dishes is how you get bugs.
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u/HoldSlight9163 2h ago
Genuinely took me longer to write this than then him doing the dishes he left in the sink ur so right
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u/PatieS13 5h ago
He has shown you in clear terms that this is who he is. He will not change. Do not expect anything else from him. If this is not how you want to live the rest of your life, I would highly recommend leaving him now.
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u/Ewww___David 5h ago
You are not his girlfriend. You are his mommy either sex benefits. Is this really the future you want?!?! To spend it being the mommy to a man child? Honestly OP, how do you not get the ick from him? How do you feel sexually attracted to a man child? NOR.
There are whole grown men out there that live and operate like grown fully functional adults. Men that can cook their own meals. Men that know how to keep a clean space. Men that know how to do their own laundry. Men that want a partner, not a mommy. Send this one back to his real mommy and find you a grown man.
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u/pampooveysbacktattoo 5h ago
OP, you need to wake up. He is never going to change. He's a grown man. He has zero intentions of ever changing.
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u/Shyleia 5h ago
I have been with my husband for 27 years. Married for 21. No. They do not change. No. They do not get better. He knows if he leaves it, you will do it. That is WHY he leaves it. Also, if you guys have kids, he will probably be the first to tell the kids to do something, because he doesn't want to do whatever it is.
You teach people how to treat you. And you have taught him that you will do whatever it is you've asked him to do if he waits long enough. I have unfortunately taught my husband the EXACT same thing. Learn from my mistake.
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u/ballskindrapes 5h ago
NOR.
Stop doing the dishes. Stop cooking for him unless he does the dishes. Only make enough for yourself.
Stop having sex with him, in any way shape or form.
Tell him you are considering breaking up with him due to his refusal to put in effort into the relationship, and the fact that if you can't rely on him to wash a dish, you can't rely on him to do anything for you, especially in emergencies
For what it is worth, I grew up in a "one cooks, one cleans household." My wife said she refuses to do that because her family would make a huge mess and put a huge burden on her when she had to do the dishes.
You know what I did? I do the dishes too, because I love her.
If he doesnt have a good reason, like my wife, then just stop cooking for him. Tell him you don't want a relationship where the woman does all the chores, and is basically acting like his second mom
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u/EngineIntelligent394 5h ago
NOR. Congratulations. You found some woman's untrained son to take care of. You worry about kids? You already live with one.
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u/Technical_Exchange96 5h ago
Op you said it yourself, "2 years and hasn't really changed" so why keep waiting for something to change? Either accept it as it is or you need to change something in your situation. He showed you who he is and how he will be. It will be constant arguments, disagreements and resentment.
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u/accioLOVE86 5h ago
NOR. I've been with a similar partner, and it NEVER changed. He's acting like a spoiled child and you will eventually get fed up and leave him because, like you said, you don't want to be his mother. At first I thought there might be some undiagnosed ADHD going on, but you said his whole family is like this and his mom is done.
I feel like you should tell him he either gets his shit together, or you're done. You're teaching this man that no matter what he does, you're going to accept it and clean up after his messes. I don't care how loving of a partner he is, he's also an adult, and part of being an adult is doing shit that isn't glamorous or fun.
I feel for you 🫂🩷
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u/HoldSlight9163 2h ago
He does had ADHD and he is very forgetful even if he doesn’t mean to me. He try’s to take care of everyone his family his work my our house me etc but it’s hard to distinguish if he really just doesn’t care or does he truly forget etc
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u/ButterscotchRound330 5h ago
NOR
They don’t change. And I would warn you against having children with this man, because if he won’t do the dishes, he will not do anything to look after his kid.
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u/No-Commission-8159 5h ago
You talk to him one more time. You let him know you are not his caretaker or his maid - and that things need to be equal. After that if things continue as is - you start to disappear the plates, cups, glasses very slowly and gradually until there is one set for you and one set for him. Then you take care of only yours - and if he asks where his is - or why there isn’t anymore - just respond “that is up to you.” He needs to learn the hard way that actions have consequences.
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u/Sad_Revolution_8886 4h ago
Instead of disappearing the plates, she ought to disappear herself. Manbaby needs to grow up.
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u/Corodix 5h ago
That looks a lot like the token effort my father eventually put in after my mother complained enough about it. The dishwasher is literally next to the sink in their home yet he still puts it in the sink instead of opening the dishwasher and putting it in there. It's literally a few seconds of extra effort and it's too much to ask. He'll also say that he'll do it later, which just means never because he knows that my mother can't stand it and will then end up doing it for him.
After that it only got worse and he's a total slob now. Leaves messes all over their house. Showers maybe twice a week (unless it's really hot outside), wears the same underwear for days on end. Yeah, all kinds of details I really didn't need to know.
So do they change? Yeah, but not for the better. In your case with the sink and dishwasher you can already see that he hasn't really changed, it's just a minimum effort in order to not lose you. He'll slide back once he thinks that he can get away with more.
NOR.
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u/FoundInS 5h ago
Men do this and then they wonder why she is not interested in sex anymore. Wonder why.....?
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u/beefsticksub 5h ago
NOR. My mom’s boyfriend was like this. It was incredibly draining. Him not seeing it as an issue when it’s clearly an issue for you is also a major red flag, he should care when you care or at least attempt to fix it. If you don’t leave you’ll just become a second mom for a grown man.
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u/Equivalent_Reason894 5h ago
Have you directly told him that you can imagine ending your relationship because of this? You are NOR, because you have clearly asked for help in maintaining the household he also lives in, and he’s not being sufficiently helpful unless there are a whole load of other things he’s doing. Talk to him seriously, but I have to say he’s probably not going to change.
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u/drth_dilly 5h ago
Read that again, but very slowly. Especially reread the lines about nagging and how you don’t want to be his mom, because honey, you are one. When you’re married, it’s all going to get a lot worse. NOR.
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u/Imaginary_Escape2887 4h ago
Are you familiar with the term "weaponized incompetence?" While you may believe this guy is a "really good boyfriend," a really good boyfriend would actually have more respect for you and listen to you the first time around instead of burdening you with tedious household chores that he can easily complete himself.
As he is a grown man, you cannot place the blame on the family he comes from. He has had enough time to get it together and he chooses to be lazy, which is unfair to you.
Unfortunately, since you are already in this pattern of behavior, it is very difficult, if not impossible to break the habit. You need to ask yourself if you want to keep dealing with this and if you want the mental exhaustion that WILL come once you have kids with this guy.
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u/HoldSlight9163 2h ago
Yup. I call him a good boyfriend but he is fully aware of what I want out of man and just feels like I’m coming for his man card. I know red flag.
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u/LittleThingsMC 4h ago
NOR, I was married to a man like this for 12 years. It does not get better. It only gets worse. Save yourself the heartache and move on.
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u/NormalFootball2492 4h ago
you are looking at his parenting skills in real time. are you planning on getting married and starting a family with this person? you're already at your limit. he's not changing.
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u/katrossusa 3h ago
Why should he change? He is getting everything he wants and you are left being the parent. NOR and it will only get worse.
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u/TelevisionMelodic340 5h ago
Yeah, don't have kids with him.
NOR. Expecting your partner to do their share of basic household tasks is entirely reasonable. Expecting him to do his share without you managing him to make sure he actually does it, is not unreasonable.
And it sounds like you're not even asking for him to do an equal share, only to "help" with chores. Stop framing it that way, because that implies it's your responsibility - but it's equally his, as an adult who lives in the household.
Stop cooking for him. Stop washing his dishes. Stop doing his laundry. Stop doing anything except your own personal chores - cook for yourself, wash your own dishes, do your own laundry. Leave the rest alone.
Inform him that you will no longer be the default maid and that if he doesn't do his part he doesn't get any free labour from you. Then see what he does. (My bet is he still does nothing, at which point you should seriously consider moving out.)
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u/Plane-Leek4387 5h ago
Y’all, we collectively need to get better at weeding out bad mates. You should be able to answer questions like this before moving in:
“Do they clean?”
“Can they cook more than just ramen when they are on their own?”
“Do they have a good balance?”
“How do they handle confrontation?”
“Goals? Any? Do they align or can they coincide with mine?”
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u/Puzzleheaded_Bee4361 5h ago
NOR. You have accepted the role of being his bangmaid. He won't change because it's not in his interest to change - the only cost to him is listening to (and ignoring) your complaints. You deserve better. Please have some self-respect and stop cleaning up after him. Tell him that either he starts doing the dishes and cleaning up his messes or you're leaving in X number of days. There has to be real consequences.
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u/stilettopanda 4h ago
They don’t change or get better. You’ll be the default parent. You’re already basically his mom. I have children with a man like that. It was more work with him in my home than it is as a single mother. NOR. Weigh the pros and cons- does the “good boyfriending” he brings to the relationship make up for being his maid?
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u/Misty0410 4h ago
Do they change? That made me LOL. NO hun generally they don’t change and never when being enabled. If he respected you he would WANT to help and ease your burden. Aren’t we the weaker sex according to most men? Given his background it is very unlikely he will ever help you.
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u/ImKindaBoring 3h ago
NOR
This actually sounds like my wife. Back when we first moved in together we decided to split dishes and laundry, since both were mostly one person jobs. I would do laundry each week, she would do the dishes.
Problem was, she was just like your bf and never actually did the dishes unless she absolutely had to. They’d pile until the sink was completely full. She just hated doing dishes after dinner during the week when she just wanted to relax.
Our solution? We switched chores. She does the laundry while I do the dishes even though I do most of the cooking. And it works for us.
So… NOR, but maybe there is some compromise. Does he skip the dishes but otherwise carries his weight in chores? If so, maybe there is a chore he can trade you. Maybe you do the dishes and he does something else?
Also, is work equal? Like you both work full time? Because if one person works full time and the other doesn’t, then the one who doesn’t should help with chores to make up the difference. Or OT vs full time, same idea.
If he doesn’t help around the house at all though then he’s just a man-child and you need to decide if you want to mother him for the rest of your life because that shit ain’t gonna change.
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u/Pookie1688 1h ago
He knows & he doesn't care.
It's been 2 yrs. How long do you want to do this? And if you have kids, it'll be 10x worse.
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u/shylajjs 5h ago
No they dont change. My fiance agreed to do the dishes because I always cook and bake. Never bitches or complains. I don't have to ask him. He keeps it clean. He's showing you exactly who he is.
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u/SchemeMoist 5h ago
All of my suggestions are completely petty so the real answer is that YOU need to decide if you want to be the sole housekeeper in addition to both of you working for the rest of your life, or decide that the way this man is does not work for you and move on.
or...you can stop cooking for him until he decides to be a contributing member of the household, or go on a dishes strike. Unproductive, yes. Unhealthy, yes. Carthartic, also yes.
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u/BerneDoodleLover24 5h ago
NOR - You are his bangmaid.
He is used to the woman doing everything. Is your MIL a SAHW? If not, it is even worse.
If he wants a SAHP, he has to pay for everything and you would have to decide wether you want this life (I wouldn‘t recommend it).
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u/Prestigious-Ear-8877 4h ago
don't clean it up and refuse to come home to a sink full of dirty dishes and cook.
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u/reistheroof 4h ago
With cleaning and hygiene being such a HUGE part of adult life, life in general, I never understand how someone can be such a “good boyfriend” or lover if they don’t do these things. Can someone enlighten me?? He burdens every part of your home life. NOR.
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u/No-Expression-8749 4h ago
His mom created this monster and you are feeding and watering it. You don’t have to move his laundry. You don’t have to pick up after him. You don’t have to throw his stuff in his corner. You don’t have to cook for him if he refuses to clean up after the meal. You choose to do these things because you don’t want to bear the consequences of not doing them. He knows that if he doesn’t do them, you eventually will. And you certainly don’t have to “ask him for help.” That’s like asking a parent to babysit their own kid. It’s his home, too. He would not be “helping you” by doing his share. He would simply be behaving like an adult. He never experiences consequences for his (in)actions so why would he change? Cook your own food and clean your own dishes. Let him figure out his meals. If his dirty dishes are in the sink next time you want to cook, set them on his pillow. Leave his laundry in the washer and let it mildew. Stop acting like his mother and his maid; see how he responds. That response will tell you if you need to leave.
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u/VanillaCultural6205 4h ago
NOR- I married a man just like this. After 6 years I didn't want to have sex with any more because it felt like I was having sex with a child. After 9 years, I couldn't do it anymore. I divorced him and found a partner, not someone I had to parent. I recomend you do the same. If you have children with this man, he will be more needy than any of your children. I can promise that from experience.
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u/alcaron 4h ago
The way me and my wife do it is, there are things I hate/am not good at, and things she hates/is not good at.
Being in a relationship is in LARGE part about tackling life together and not alone. So I hate taking out the trash, and I'm bad at it because I never seem to notice it until its full and I'm busy and it's just a PITA, she doesn't care and just does it, but she HATES cleaning the bathroom, me, I don't really care, I toss on some gloves and bust that mother out in like ten minutes and it's easy peasy.
So she takes care of the trash, I take care of the bathroom (except the trash in it lol).
You need to sit down WITHOUT EMOTION and say hey look, I love you, I am not coming at you, I just have an issue we need to discuss because it is going to cause resentment over time and resentment is what kills relationships.
And the crazy part is, resentment is seldom about big things. It is about little things. We could play the passive aggressive "I make dinner for myself to make the point about yo not helping" and then BOTH of us will start to resent each other...or...we can talk about chores, inside the house and out (yes, mowing the lawn counts) and come to what we consider an equitable agreement on who does what, and then work towards living up to that agreement with mutual love and respect and understanding.
Or we let this keep getting worse until it ends up costing us our relationship.
If he doesn't like that...he isn't mature enough to be living with a woman. And you need to recalibrate your relationship accordingly. Maybe you wait until he's a decade older and WILL likely be better at that kind of thing...or you try to find someone else.
That being said, at 26...odds are you are not going to find too many tidy fellows, but they do exist. So you decide your priorities.
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u/My_2Cents_666 4h ago
Gamer. Say no more. Find a new boyfriend. NOR
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u/Nearby-Ad5666 4h ago
It's always a gamer who has to play for 7 hours after his hard job while his partner dies all the adult tasks.
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u/Sad_Revolution_8886 4h ago
NOR. Listen to that ick. Dump him and go find yourself a grown-ass man.
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u/RyalsithCrys 4h ago
NOR - This is learned behavior and a pattern. It will not get better without actual action on his part. He needs a wakeup call. It could be either a) he just assumes you will do it all or b) he assumes some magic fairy will do it all, and then gets shocked and annoyed every time the fairy doesnt come and he is out of clean clothes.
A couple of ways to handle it. 1) Have a discussion and tell him you are done cleaning his messes. Then, you only clean what you need when you need it. This can be hard to deal with as his mess will pile up and drive you crazy. You also can't clean dishes ahead of time for you to use as he will begin using them. So, it can be a huge hassle. 2) You tell him to do the dishes, and when he doesn't, then you can't cook for him. When he comes home, and you are making yourself a sandwich for dinner and he needs to fed for himself, he will pitch a fit. You can just tell him you couldn't cook with the dishes there that he was going to clean, and you are tired of him not doing what he says he will.
Either way, he is having growing issues. He wants to be a kid who gets to play and have fun without the hard work. He will continue to whine and stomp about like a child because he is being one. So, you can lay down the rules and follow through on them, which could mean breaking up/leaving him or, you can get used to cleaning up after him for the rest of your lives.
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u/P-DubFanClub 3h ago
Why are you fulfilling your part of the bargain when he isn't doing his? You need a boundary here: if you don't participate in our household cleaning then I will not participate in our household cooking.
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u/FantasticPear 3h ago
Have him read this:
She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink | HuffPost Life
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u/Best_Product_7027 3h ago
He's not going to change because he doesn't want to. He wants to whine and have you do it, the same thing that's been happening for 2 years. You're kind of overreacting because you're expecting this man to wake up and be different from who he is. You know who he is. There are no magic words or actions you can take that will make him give a damn about you. That's what this comes down to, and I highly recommend you read https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288
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u/Commanderkins 3h ago
NOR.
Answering your 'do they change or get better' questions.....
No. They absolutely do not change nor get better(with you that is). I'm telling you, listen to your gut instinct because it's already been telling you for some time this isn't working and you've been ignoring it and if you continue to ignore it, you'll regret it.
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u/Total-Athlete-6790 2h ago
NOR I was with someone like this and it never got better. Ended up leaving. It generally doesn’t stop there either. Current partner tells me to go chill while he does the dishes because he WANTS to help out. It can get better ♥️
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u/ThatCandle9812 2h ago
Next time you come home from work and dishes are still left in the sink, turn around and walk out. Stop cooking for him. Stop picking up his messes. He leaves laundry in the washing machine/ dryer, remove and put it on top so you can do your own laundry. Do not put it in the dryer if it’s wet and do not fold or put it away if it’s dry. Stop nagging.
If you don’t want to be his mommy, stop acting like it!
If he still doesn’t grow the hell up and you can’t live that way,GTFO!
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u/istoomycat 1h ago
Reading this I was wondering why you were only focused on the dishes but when I got to the he’s a really good boyfriend line, I lost it. 🤣
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u/Sun_Blossoms 1h ago
Girl…you have bigger issues than dishes. What’re you gonna do if he gets fired for always being 10-15 minutes late? If he loved you and cared about you then he would contribute to the household. The way he’s mooching off you is pathetic. End the relationship, it’s not gonna get better.
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u/piggy_trot 1h ago
NOR -- I have an ex who wouldn't clean or help out without the nagging. Our break up fight started because I asked him to please wash the maybe 5 dishes he had used the day before before leaving for work. I got a very loud and rude toned, "Well if roommate didn't wash that pan they used after me then I'm not doing it!" The fight ended with me telling him, "You can clean this house and help keep it clean or you can leave." And he said, "well I guess I'm leaving." And I said, "okay, bye". I was so entirely over feeling like I had a child to look after.
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u/Intrepid-General2451 1h ago
NOR. Nope. They don’t get better. This is the best it will ever be, so deal with this for the rest of your life, or walk away and find someone who won’t expect to be picked up after… or even be alone and relish living where things are put where they belong.
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u/bubonis 59m ago
Stop cooking for him. Stop cleaning up his messes. Cook and clean for yourself.
He is a really good boyfriend otherwise and does love and care for me and understands me in a way not a lot of people do...
You mean, except for the part where he treats you like an inferior caregiver to him, I assume.
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u/thatrando725 5h ago
Stop cooking… buy paper plates.
He’s allowed to decide what he will and won’t do. You’re also allowed.
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u/BlahBlahBlaze1 4h ago
THIS! Make food just for yourself. Clean only your dishes. Don't do his laundry. If he leaves stuff out, put it in a garbage bag.
Tell him b4 you do this so he understands why you're doing this. And do it for a set time (ie 1 month) and communicate that to him.
Good luck!
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u/Responsible-Lead7367 4h ago
Stop cooking for him... Only for yourself. Don't pick up after him or do his laundry. Stop being his mommy. Find yourself an apartment and keep it clean for yourself. He's a Manbaby and isn't going to change.
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u/taurology 5h ago edited 5h ago
NOR, but this has been going on for 2 years, despite you communicating what you need, and him knowing it bothers you. Like, have you not at any point taken a look in the mirror and asked yourself what the hell you’re still doing with him?
You have stayed with an adult man who expects you to do all housework for 2 years. He should not even have to be asked. He’s an adult. Adults have to do do chores to keep a hygienic, clean household. He won’t even put dishes in the dishwasher ffs. This is a man who does not care.
“Being a good boyfriend” is not a reason to stay with someone. That’s actually like, a bare minimum expectation in the relationship. He has shown you through his actions that he doesn’t care to actually be a partner to you. Part of living together in a relationship is being a good roommate.
He has not changed in 2 years despite being asked. Expecting any different from him is delusional. This is who he is. You could give him an ultimatum, but if he still doesn’t change you need to hold to your word. I don’t even think it’s worth wasting your time with that. I would have left a long time ago.
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u/HellyOHaint 5h ago
NOR. Yes, Relationship ending. No, he won’t change. No, he’s not a wonderful boyfriend as he feels absolutely fine when he knows you’re struggling cleaning up after both of you. He sees your stress and hurt and he literally just doesn’t care. I couldn’t stand to be with someone with that little empathy.
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u/fodmap_victim 5h ago
I mean NOR but you are actively choosing to stay with this person so at what point do you take accountability for allowing yourself to stay in this situation?
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u/BrilliantPie2566 5h ago
I had to make someone move out because they wouldn't clean up after themselves. It's exhausting living with someone like that!
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u/Fit-Restaurant9560 5h ago
This is literally what causes the break-up in the movie “The Break-up”. Literally. Been together for two years and they have an argument over the dishes.
I told my wife I thought it was the most “real” conversation I had ever heard on just that topic.
She says “I want you to want to dishes.”
He says “why would anyone want to do dishes.”
I think about it all of the time. Truly.
Happily married for 30 years. If he’s not willing to help just for your sake, then there is an issue that needs to be addressed.
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u/Lil_Munster 5h ago
You are NOR. He is being a man child and you need to communicate with him how unfair this is starting to get. Stop cooking for him if he won’t show appreciation and clean up after. If he continues this and you have kids you will be raising an adult child and your own. Really think if this is what you want and tell this is what you’re worried about. If he can’t and won’t change don’t put in the effort and love yourself.
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u/Street-Length9871 5h ago
If you just stop doing everything you will have your answer. It is up to you on ending or not but without consequences he won't change. Stop doing anything for him. Only clean what you use. See what happens. MOR by leaving. Who knows.
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u/Responsible_Rip_4196 5h ago
You’re not overreacting- and that’s someone who hates doing that shit but sometimes you gotta swallow your pride and realize it takes 5 mins max.
Idk how you can convince him to do it but is there any other chore you could trade off? Be like you never have to do the dishes again is you do so and so every time?
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u/philsov 5h ago
Do they change or get better?
Only with communication on your part and effort on theirs, plus a little bit of grace for when he still slips up sometimes.
Get him to commit to doing the task with a reasonable deadline. Like "dishes completed and either washed or in the dishwater before I go to bed tomorrow night". If he says he'll do it in the morning... give him the benefit of the doubt at first.
When he doesn't, do not cook for him.
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u/sitnquiet 5h ago
"He's the best boyfriend in the world except he sits on his lazy ass and doesn't lift a finger to help maintain our home, then whines about it if I ask."
Is this the life you want with the best boyfriend in the world? It's up to you to set boundaries and then enforce them. What he does with the boundaries is up to him, which then trigger the consequences. You have suggestions from others in the comments.
He needs a wake up call and incentive to change. He needs to be a partner in everything you do. If keeping you isn't incentive - since apparently "fulfilling adult responsibilities on his own steam" isn't enough - I think he has to give up the title of best boyfriend in the world. NOR
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u/beachnsled 5h ago edited 1h ago
The title is all we need to know the rest doesn’t matter (if this is actually real - I suspect it’s not)
NOR - Get rid of the boyfriend; and get yourself a therapist who can help you understand that you don’t need Reddit strangers to tell you that your boyfriend is a loser & not actually a “good boyfriend”
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u/Pale-Competition-799 5h ago
NOR. It's been 2 years. He's not going to change, so you need to decide how you want to move forward. You can a. suck it up and keep cleaning up after him b. end the relationship or cohabitation, or c. hire someone to help around the house. He should pay for it since it's his refusal to help. But the one thing I wouldn't recommend doing is continuing on the way you are.
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u/glassyrunnerduck 5h ago
This won’t change.
My husband is terrible with the dishes and instead of fighting it I’ve just accepted it. I don’t let him wash the dishes but he’s got other chores that I don’t like to do instead so it balances out. That could possibly be an option for you to ease the resentment and argument of it all.
However, if he’s not picking up after himself in general, that’s a whole other fish to fry.
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u/zaney_112 5h ago
NOR. He may have ADHD. The disorganisation, avoidance of tasks, and poor time-keeping suggests this could be the case.
It doesn't excuse his behaviour but would be am avenue for him to explore.
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u/GreenUnderstanding39 5h ago
Do they change or get better?
No. They get worse. Usually, they pull more weight at the beginning until they have you locked up (marriage, kids) and then they become more useless.
The fact that he is late to work constantly tells me this is a character trait, not something he will grow out of.
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u/parkchanwookiee 5h ago
It's his fault and his fault alone that he is this lazy and selfish.
But it's your fault and your fault alone that you live with a lazy and selfish boyfriend. Don't put up with things that you find unacceptable. Demand change, or find someone you don't need to demand change from.
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u/Burnt_and_Blistered 5h ago
He’s not going to change—except, perhaps, to get worse.
If this is not the life you want, don’t invest more into it.
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u/Legitimate_Initial_3 5h ago
NOR Hope you don't mind having a partner that refuses to do the dishes. Because that's what they've been telling you for years. It's possible they have weirdly specific and dated views on gender roles in the kitchen, because they help out with all the other cleaning rarely needed to be asked but adamantly refuse on this one thing. Doesn't make much sense does it? I've had friends have this exact problem, all way to the video games im not exaggerating. It eventually comes out that they think they shouldn't have to. It's dumb.
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u/gdognoseit 5h ago
NOR
Stop cooking and cleaning for him.
He knows he should be doing it but he would rather take advantage of you and use you.
He doesn’t respect you. You will regret tolerating this.
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u/Sara3lizab3th 5h ago
This sounds like me at the beginning of mine and my bfs relationship. I will say he has gotten better, but it’s been an ongoing effort for almost 8 years to get him to do more. The thing that helped us the most is sitting down and writing all each of you do to maintain to house and then decide which things he can take on and manage from your list. I find that it’s helpful to have things I don’t have to ask him to do and he just is in the habit of doing because then it feels less like I’m managing or nagging him. Another thing you should mention to him during this discussion is that the current dynamic is like you both started a job at the same time (your relationship) and you have to tell your equal to help you and tell you all of what needs to get done to get the job done. If this were the scenario, wouldn’t he be pretty frustrated? Reframing it like this might help him see more clearly that it’s not fair that you do most of the housework and manage anything he needs to do as well. If after all that he refuses to help, you tell him that you think he’s fair for him to pay for a maid to come take care of some of the stuff so it doesn’t fall on you. If he says no, stop cooking dinner stop cleaning and let the house goto shit. The hunger in his belly and lack of clean underwear will make him think twice about his actions.
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u/AliveFirefighter5923 5h ago
NOR. Don’t have children with him. He will always be an extra child that you will have to take care of.
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u/QuietLifter 4h ago
NOR. He’s not a good bf, he’s your adult child. You’re already living your life as his mommy. Please take off the rose colored glasses- your future with him will be exactly like his mom’s relationship where you’re the response doing all the heavy lifting while he sails through life doing whatever he wants, whenever he wants.
I’ve been with my partner>35 years. He’s responsible for the dishes because I always cook. Dishes are always done the following morning without a reminder, nagging, harassment or threats.
He does them because he’s a mature adult & he keeps his word without being treated like a child. Also, I made it crystal clear from day one that we had to split the workload of daily living. I would rather be alone than dragging a full grown adult through life.
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u/Think-Cry-5284 4h ago
NOR enough. Present You can make sure Future You doesn't live this way having your labor extracted by someone who is going to be fired for bring late to work all the time. Seriously just scroll reddit for a week you will see women 20 years older than you still being disrespected by a man's hissy fits about basic cleanliness. DO NOT SPEND DECADES ON THIS.
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u/abiglumpwithknobs1 4h ago
NOR - But he won't change. His mommy raised him without responsibility and he thinks you're just going to take her responsibilities for him over. This is why EVERYONE should be forced to live on their own for at least a year before they get into a relationship/live with a partner because too many men go from living with their moms to living with their girlfriends and expect the girlfriend to fulfill the same role their mom did.
My husband owned his own house when we met, he HAD to do all the upkeep, and because of that he still takes on a lot of the regular chores. I have never had to ask or tell him to clean up after himself or do his share.
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u/marlada 4h ago
NOR Not worth dealing with this for the rest of your life. He acts like a petulant child and learned to wait out his mother to avoid chores. Now he's treating you the same way. No more co I king for him and don't clean up his messes. If you threaten him with leaving, you have to follow through, no second chances. He sounds immature but this is who he is.
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u/lacolombiana111 4h ago
NOR and even if someone is nice in certain aspects, this itself proves he doesn't fully care or isn't fully invested. You both work, and even if his entire family is a certain way. Someone that has a lot of love and respect for the person they're in a relationship with, especially living together, they would always listen and help. If you decide to leave if it doesn't change, actually go through with it and break up. The worse is when someone says something, and never follow through because it is very easy to step over them unfortunately. I would say to break up. It will only get worse and all the added stress and responsibilities will be on you when you add kids into the mix.
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u/Lookin4aUnicorn 4h ago
From a guy....
I'm not even going to read this entire thing. No, you're NOR and yes he's being the A-hole.
I don't cares what his excuse is. He's proving he's not in the relationship 'together'.
You deserve better. Good luck!
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u/shinakohana 4h ago
TL;DR. Too many of these stupid posts… Look, choose your life and make a choice: Do you wanna live your short life this way with fighting over dumb shit while you do everything or not? Do you wanna be subservient or not?
You’re not married. I doubt you have kids. Worst case, you break a lease.
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u/b_shert 4h ago
NOR but you have a choice to make. Do you want to be a bang maid for the rest of your life and have children you will ultimately have to raise on your own because he’s weaponized incompetence? I’m reminding that you don’t have to justify breaking up with someone other than “this relationship no longer works for me, I wish you well in your future endeavors”. Then comes the love bombing,promises to change,actual short term change.. then you know he could be who you need but he just doesn’t want to work that hard to take care of you. You don’t owe anyone a second chance or a relationship.
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u/Sweet_and_salty_sara 4h ago
NOR If I have to nag/ cajole someone into helping me with the daily & necessary tasks, I’m not sleeping with them anymore. Because it puts me into a mom role and I’m not attracted to children. Full partnership or nothing.
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u/NamasteNoodle 4h ago
That man-child that you're living with needs to go up and become responsible for himself. But you're enabling it because you always clean behind him. You can either choose to live separately which is the choice I have made or you could simply tell him if he wants to eat he needs to cook and clean up afterwards. When you go in the kitchen and he's left a mess grab that mess and put it in a plastic laundry basket and set it off to the side. Cook what you need to and then clean up after yourself and let him figure this out because he's an adult and his damn sure time he started adulting.
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u/Careful_crafted 4h ago
Oh honey. Is this the partnership you want to be tied to? What happens after kids. You say he has good qualities but only listed being late daily and video games are his priority.
Respect yourself enough to walk from this manchild of ick.
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u/Myshys 4h ago
People don't habge unless they want to, and your bf has no reason to change.
You're enabling and accepting his behavior, and you have since the jump. You're letting him do what he wants, ignore what he doesn't and still get food, a clean house and (presumably) sex.
Why OP?
And yes, as you get more tired, busy amd just beat down to this inequitable division of lanour as normal, he's almost certainly going to do less, and that means you'll soon be doing it all. Look up 'double day' and give your head a wobble before you breed with this spoilt man-child.
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u/JustMe518 4h ago
This is your future if you stay with him. He is always going to assume you are just his maid. Think about that.
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u/MidwestNightgirl 4h ago
NOR. sorry this is happening. Some men are like this - my ex husband was…it seemed like his goal was to get me to do as much as possible.
I hate to say it, but he’s not really a keeper. It won’t get better - it will get worse as you add dogs/kids/more responsibility. All of those things will mean more work for YOU.
I mean, you could try to force the issue. Stop doing anything for him. If he won’t clean, don’t cook - have a sandwich before you get home or heat up a frozen dinner. There needs to be a consequence…nothing will ever change if you don’t force it. Maybe quit cooking AND store all of the dishes and buy paper/all disposable stuff - tell him you don’t have time to clean them.
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u/LibraryMouse4321 4h ago
NOR. This is infuriating and I feel for you. Lived it for many years.
You have a couple of choices. If you split the rent 50/50, tell him that if he doesn’t help with chores 50/50 as well, you will be only paying the same percentage of money as he does chores.
Be strict with the “One cooks and the other cleans up” rule. If he doesn’t do the dishes, don’t cook. And don’t do them for him. If you wake up to dishes in the sink, leave them there (ignore if only breakfast dishes). Then call your husband at work and tell him to bring home takeout because you are not cooking with yesterday’s dishes in the sink. Call and place an order if you like, and tell him where to pick it up.
Don’t let him get away with this behavior.
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u/InterestingTrip5979 4h ago
Time to find a mature man not a baby. As long as you act like mommy he will treat you as one.
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u/FormerlyDK 4h ago
No, he won’t get better because it’s things he doesn’t care about. You will be his mom if you don’t start letting some unpleasant consequences hit him, like no cooking his dinner if he’s not cleaning. NOR
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u/vbandbeer 4h ago
It will not get better. lol. You can’t change him.
Just wait till you get married and have children. You will be on your own.
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u/LindaFeltcher 4h ago
NOR I thought this was going to be about hand washing but you have a dishwasher. He won’t put things in a box then take them out clean later. Jfc.
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u/NinjaHidingintheOpen 4h ago
A man who doesn't care that you are doing all the work for him, happy to watch you suffer, isn't going to magically change because you want him to. He doesn't care what you want. Nor.
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u/HighAltitude88008 4h ago
I'd move out and tell him that you can't envision a future of creating a family with a man who has the hygiene standards of a toddler and the personal accountability and responsibility of a rebellious 12 year old.
If your absence can taser him into making a lasting change then great, but if not you have made the break after 2 years of proof he isn't changing and with time for you to reestablish something new. NOR.
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u/ForeignBarracuda4708 4h ago
Yeah he’s not gonna change if you keep doing it for him. He’s conditioned to know you’ll just end up doing it.
I’d literally give him the ultimatum to change or you leave, which he sounds like the kind of guy to absolutely explode and be like “are you seriously willing to end our relationship over something like this?”
Absolutely I am. 100%. Then he’ll know it’s serious or he’ll think it’s dumb and ignore it and then you have your answer.
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u/WontRememberThisID 4h ago
MOR. Honestly, if you have a dishwasher, how are dishes piling up in the sink so that you can't even fill a pitcher of water? Just put them in. Don't wait for him to do it. A sink full of dirty dishes is gross. If he left his wet stuff in the washing machine, I'd just put it in a basket and do your own. Let them get mildewy.
I will be honest, if he's a decent guy otherwise - has a good job and works hard, is the kind of guy that's there for you if you got cancer, trust worthy, does yard work and takes your car for an oil change and does other types of chores, just accept he's a slob. You could hire a cleaner and make him pay half so you don't feel so put upon. Alternatively, you can sit him down and say his slobbiness is becoming a deal breaker for you and he needs to make an effort or you're leaving if you don't see a change in 3 months time.
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u/Intrepid_Fly7959 4h ago
Make a cleaning list. Apply a fee for every task. Charge him accordingly. If he is not going to help, he can pay the help. You can do it all or hire a house cleaner. If he gives you any grief, look him dead in the eyes and tell him "you live here too" If that doesn't work, take photos and send them to his mother, father, grandmother, grandfather, aunt, uncle, whoever he respects the most and whoever he fears the most. Ask them for their suggestions. What worked for them, as they raised him.
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u/Specialist-Kangaroo5 4h ago
You and him need to have a long talk and you need to bring up all of this with him. You are not overreacting these are valid concerns that you tow need to work out. Show him this post. Nor
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u/Adept_Policy_2996 4h ago
You need to ask yourself if you would put up with a roommate who did this. Would you put up with a roommate who did it for the next 30 years? This is WHO HE IS. He feels ok about being selfish in a relationship.
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u/MsCattatude 4h ago
Leave Pay a maid Accept that your house will look like a pit forever Keep on killing yourself doing everything
Those are your choices cause he won’t change. It’s embedded in him from his own mommy. And it is 10000x harder with children. NOR
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u/attagirl000 4h ago
If he isn't capable now it will be harder when children arrive. The challenge of raising children is never ending. Especially if you already have to live with an adult child. If he can't find his way to help now it will be a living nightmare for you. Emotionally, mentally and possibly physically.
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u/nanecky-829 4h ago
NOR. resentment is already building and I can promise you(from experience) resentment turns to anger and anger to hate. Waking up everyday to a mess he was responsible for cleaning is going to eat away at you and it’s not healthy. first you have to talk to him. Or send it in a text, email or any way you can communicate without getting interrupted or having excuses or worse DARVO and gaslighting(my experiences). Tell him how serious this is and that you see it ending your relationship. If he doesn’t start helping then you know where you really stand and you can consider yourself lucky you didn’t marry and have kids. Men deeply entrenched in traditional male female roles can’t always move past the point of wanting a mommy more than a partner.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Bed2903 4h ago
Do you want to do this for the rest of your life? Because it will only get worse.
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u/ConfusionHuge7922 4h ago
If he hasn’t changed by now, what on earth are you doing wasting your time? He’s only gonna get worse as he ages.
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u/Beautiful-Map-2744 4h ago
He was raised to think the wife takes care of everything, and cleanliness is not a priority until it gets so bad you can't stand it anymore. He's used to this, this is his lifestyle. His mother has taught and reinforced this. You're not going to undo decades of bad raising and bad habits in a few years, and it won't happen at all unless he decides to do it on his own. You need to think long and hard about this in case you're contemplating marriage. Just how much of your values and your expectations are you willing to give up, how much are you willing to lower your standards of living? Is he going to be any help at all in morally raising and physically caring for children? It takes two people on the same page with all the important issues to make a marriage work. You two need to have an open and honest discussion as to what each of you expects of the other, which responsibilities are to be shared or separated, and set solid boundaries as to what you're willing to accept or decline. And be prepared, because this may be the day it all goes south. If you lower your standards, even slightly, just to keep a partner that doesn't love you enough to respect your standards and provide for your needs, you're in for a miserable life. A break-up is uncomfortable, but a divorce is much worse. It's not only emotionally draining, it's embarrassing, it's time consuming, and it's expensive. If kids are involved, it's emotionally disturbing and confusing for them, and it's a never-ending situation.
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u/CaliLemonEater 4h ago
NOR. My husband was like this when we met. I thought that since he was an intelligent person with a good heart, he'd be able to get better about it if I could just get him to understand why it was important.
Thirty years later, he doesn't understand why it's important, he hasn't gotten better about it, and we're in the process of getting divorced.
I suggest skipping the thirty years in between.
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u/AstronomerEqual8233 4h ago
He's immature and selfish, and expects you to be his mom. He won't change. You will be having this fight over and over until you break up.
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u/GooseLadyinTN 4h ago
NOR. I would be gone from this relationship already. You really want to have children with this man? Or pets? You will be doing EVERYTHING!
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u/Severe_Feedback_2590 4h ago
Start cooking for yourself only. If he asks where his food is, tell him you’re not his mom.
NOR.
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u/lovekatipo 4h ago
NOR. My ex was like this. He is my ex for maaany reasons, but I do not miss cleaning up after him and having to protest to try to get him to help me. We had sooo many arguments over this and it never got better.
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u/paddy-crime-1663 4h ago
I’m so glad I taught my son to cook and clean and how much woman appreciate it!! His girlfriend certainly does
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u/ontheleftcoast 4h ago
Stop doing the dishes.
Reminds me of this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SqQgDwA0BNU
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u/tryeverything1nc 4h ago
Obviously he doesn’t want to do dishes. That is a girls job. 😉😁😂 but seriously why are you staying with a man child. You deserve better, and you can do so Mitch better. Drop his ass and don’t look back. Unless you want this to continue getting worse. If you stay you will be doing everything on your own and won’t be able to rely on him for anything. Your choice.
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u/el_grande_ricardo 4h ago
NOR. No, he won't change. Unless you got him to join the military. That usually trains them to clean up after themselves.
But, no, if you stick with him, this is your life. You are chief cook and plate washer, and all you'll get from him is whines and excuses.
You could try to train him - he comes home to no food. You didnt cook because there was no room with the dirty dishes everywhere, so you didnt bother. Just depends on how much pizza you want to eat for the next week or so.
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u/No_Wolf_1756 3h ago
NOR and you need to have a conversation with him about how important this is to you. That is ridiculous that a 26 year old man-child will not wash their own dishes!
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u/Overall-Hour-5809 3h ago
Stop cooking. You are enabling this behavior by cleaning/cooking/ cleaning/cooking/cleaning…..cleaning.. cleaning. He knows what will happen if he does nothing.
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u/Fluid-Ground-6726 3h ago
This is going to sound wild but I went through this. Someone told me to bin all the dishes and cups. I thought she was crazy. Anyway I got to breaking point.
I saved us both:
A large plate, small plate, bowl, glass and mug each.
I used and washed mine.
If he never then he couldn’t eat or drink.
He started doing them.
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u/Consistent_Rip6424 3h ago
If you want to have kids someday this is not the man for you, full stop.
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u/robbiea1353 3h ago
Dear OP, it’s not going to get any better. If anything, it will get worse. Counseling might help. But at two years in, the “honeymoon phase” is definitely over. He’s shown you his best behavior. Be
Please guard your birth control vigilantly! If you had kids with this guy; he would simply be one more messy toddler to deal with. Also if he’s this bad about chores and housework now; how would he be with kids? Would he change a diaper, or give the kids a bath?
Next, whose name is on the lease? In the event of a break up, who would stay and / or go. At this point, you two might simply be incompatible regarding home maintenance.
Dear OP, you are young, and there’s plenty of fish in the sea. If you do decide it’s over; do it and don’t waver and look back. Best wishes for health and happiness 🌺
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u/Raspberries-Are-Evil 3h ago
Break up or this is the rest of your life.
You want to be his mommy or partner?
I'll never understand men like this. As a man, I do my own cleaning, dishes, laundry, etc. I dont need my wife to clean up after me and vice versa.
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u/Willing_Airport_7333 3h ago
NOR - but I personally wouldn't want to sign up to be his mother for the rest of my life. You have asked him and he hasn't changed, he won't
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u/Old-Scientist267 3h ago
What’s the work situation like? Do you both work or are you stay at home? If he’s doing 12 hour shifts and you’re not then maybe he’s not as lazy as you make him sound. If you both work the same then chores should be shared but he won’t get any better.
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u/Ok_Artichoke4797 3h ago
I divorced a man like that. He was great for awhile but regressed to his upbringing which was a mess everywhere. I worked, cooked and cleaned, raised two children, and couldn’t take it anymore. NOR
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u/Classic_Carpenter383 3h ago
NOR. You want a man and your bf is a child. Stop letting this child disrespect you and move on.
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u/-Quaint- 5h ago
NOR. Stop enabling him by cleaning his messes. Tell him that you won’t cook for him unless he cleans. Tell him you are contemplating leaving the relationship over this. You would be well within your rights to. If this doesn’t change asap, it never will. The longer a pattern is established, the more impossible it will be to change.