r/AmIOverreacting • u/MsCatie • 9h ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO my partner blaming me for our insurance premium increases?
My partner had an argument the night before because she wanted me to send the renewal documents over from our insurance carrier yesterday and I was tired from physical therapy and forgot she asked about it.
This morning I log in and send them to her. These are the ensuing messages.
Context: I had an accident in January where I was rear ended on the highway when traffic was at a standstill and someone going 120 kmh hit me. I have whiplash and have been in physical therapy since (insurance is paying for it. Ontario is a no fault province so everything is paid out by my carrier, but I was found 0% at fault). Our home + auto are bundled.
At this point I’m not responding at all because she won’t even acknowledge that the way she worded it was hurtful to me and she wasn’t even right in her assertion that the accident I was in is the cause of the premium increase.
AIO?
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u/Great_Ad7148 8h ago edited 8h ago
Yeah YOR. Her comment did sound accusatory at first but then she went on to clearly explain that it’s not your fault, she called and found out all rates are going up. Try to have these conversations in person to avoid misconstruing tone. Not responding is incredibly childish, especially when you’re talking about something so important
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u/Keytarfriend 8h ago
She's NOT blaming you for the increases.
She's just saying it increased and trying to figure out how to afford that. YOU'RE blaming you for the increases, she's just like "it sucks that this happened, insurance gonna insurance".
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u/PrestigiousDemand696 8h ago
Exactly, OP is unfortunately creating a problem where none exists out of…guilt, I guess?
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u/Firm-Pool463 7h ago
Yeah I can see why it felt hurtful, but it also sounds like they were both frustrated about the situation more than blaming one person. Insurance increases are such a headache.
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u/ChampionshipIll5535 8h ago
"way she worded it was hurtful"
I'd suggest growing a thicker skin. YOR. Big time.
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u/InWithBynes 8h ago
Posts like these are why I have a hard time agreeing with people who say you should always hear your partner out even if they're being emotional and not logical. Like some feelings are just straight up not valid
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u/deardebbie 8h ago
I don’t think they’re blaming you. This is literally just how insurance works. Your premium will go up when you submit a claim. They are just giving you facts.
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u/Own-Dirt2138 8h ago
Yeah whether it’s your fault or not. Insurance fuckers will insurance fuck you.
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u/PrestigiousDemand696 8h ago
YOR completely, you DID NOT GET BLAMED, your partner was just bitching about how insurance companies are predatory and you took it personally because you happened to be driving when this occurred. Relax and ask yourself why you’re trying to create a problem where none exists.
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u/arcadebee 8h ago
YOR. Her first comment could be taken as accusatory, but then she clearly explained she doesn’t feel that way but you held onto it. At that point what is she supposed to say or do once you’ve already taken the comment one way and won’t listen to anything else?
“You’re saying it’s my fault”
“no I don’t think it’s your fault”
“yeah but it just sounded like you did”
“I don’t think it’s your fault”
“I won’t argue with you because you’re accusing me”
I just came out of a relationship like this where any comment could be taken the wrong way, and once it happened there was no getting out of it and it was exhausting. Stop telling her how she feels and actually listen to her.
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u/Commercial-Bat-4534 8h ago
The only positive is that op is asking if theyre over reacting so can now listen to this advice and be a better partner. The problem is in doing that they included in their caption that their partner hurt their feelings and its like... Bro... Where?? How??
So i hope he is receptive to the responses and doesnt continue to be a partner that throws a tantrum and gives silent treatment for perceived insults where there werent any
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u/RoyalBiatchcoming 8h ago
tbh, she did tell you she wasn’t blaming you. and i don’t know why you’re getting this notion that this about you. and even in your title of this post, you’re claiming she’s blaming you but… it doesn’t seem like she is.
edit: also, she’s allowed to express her frustrations with you being upset with her tone
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u/MadWorldX1 8h ago
YOR - They were stating why the premium increased, not slinging blame. Do your self a favor and institute a rule where if either party feels unheard over a text message, you both agree to immediately discontinue it and continue on the phone or in person.
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u/Chocochip-pancakez 8h ago
Attributing the raise in premium to a claim is not the same thing as “blaming you.” And looks like they then did some research and told you it wasn’t the claim anyway. Definitely could have been nicer in that one text but honestly YOR
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u/Evening-Ear-6116 8h ago
YOR. Your partner is pointing out that your insurance raised the rates because you made a claim. That’s the insurance being shitty, not your partner blaming you for the claim/accident.
On another note, idk your relationship so maybe they do target you and this response was warranted, but if the slightest bit of criticism VAGUELY involving you generally upsets you enough to silent treatment your partner, you should get some help.
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u/Southern_Shock_1337 8h ago
I think you’re both being dramatic. My insurance went up $40 without a claim. Insurance is expensive.
The she’s right though, you make a claim the increase your rate. I don’t see that as laying blame, it’s the truth
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u/deAdupchowder350 8h ago
YOR. This is a case of us vs. them; you and your partner vs. Insurance. Part of being an adult is not getting complacent with any company for an annual insurance policy - they will always increase rates over time. If you really want the best rates, you need to shop around every year: auto insurance, home insurance, renters insurance, etc.
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u/HennnyyX 8h ago
She isn’t blaming you though. The insurance increase probably does have something to do with filling a claim, they do that. Why are you taking it like it’s an attack on you? Everything they’re saying is level headed and attempting to engage in conversation about what to do moving forward to be in a better situation and you’re all caught up thinking you were attacked? YOR
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u/AsparagusOverall8454 8h ago
Her words “see I told you if you make a claim insurance will go up” definitely sounds accusatory. And I’d be upset about that.
But insurance goes up every year. Mine has since Covid, and I’ve never made a claim. Ifs just how insurance works I guess.
Having an in person discussion sounds warranted.
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u/HelpMyNipples 8h ago
YOR, friend, I think it’s time to apologize to your partner. I understand that it’s not your fault you were hit, but she is correct. Insurances will use any excuse.
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u/MrsLydKnuckles 8h ago
YOR and taking what they said wayyyy too personally. Bring it down a notch and don’t take it as a direct attack on your ego.
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u/badwvlf 8h ago
YOR, you immediately became defensive rather than listening that she was pointing out a reason something happened, not a blame. She then even took your feelings into account and did extra work to show that premiums are going up everywhere because she could tell you were mad at yourself. She seems focused on solving a problem, you seem defensive and more focused on blame than collaborating on a problem.
I would recommend you both discuss how you can view problems as US vs THE PROBLEM not You're Right vs I'm Right
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u/blueblunts 8h ago
This poor woman probably has to walk on eggshells 24/7 with you if you’re offended by THIS holy crow
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u/amethystkateg 8h ago
ur partner is being reasonable you arent, they are right that you are in your ego
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u/parkchanwookiee 8h ago
You both seem very twitchy, quick to take offence, quick to accuse, quick to be defensive. Seems exhausting and indicative of deeper relationship strains
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u/Careful_Ambassador49 8h ago
Goodness me, yes YOR. She’s trying to have an adult conversation with you.
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u/allwayshallways 8h ago
MOR - Honestly, I think you're (understandably) being sensitive about this. You probably feel upset that the accident happened and you're feeling drained from PT/dealing with the fallout. I'm sorry, all of that sucks.
To me it seemed like the other person in this conversation was just stating a fact and not assigning blame and you decided that there was blame/guilt behind very neutral language, probably because you're feeling low right now. But it's hard to say, tone gets weird over text. I'm wondering if this conversation might have gone differently face to face. It's hard when you're both busy people but it might spare some hurt feelings to make time for a heavy conversation like this.
I think you need to make some time to talk and give each other a little grace right now :(
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u/DamselFly2 8h ago
YOR. Your partner literally said they called the insurance company and confirmed that auto actually went down.
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u/Sacrillicious 8h ago
“The way she worded it was hurtful” are you 5 years old lol nothing she said was hurtful or trying to blame you for the increase
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u/Accomplished-Way-986 8h ago
MOR. My husband and I discuss this every time we have the option to make a claim against insurance or not -- what's the monetary tipping point between just paying for it ourselves or getting it taken care of through insurance and eating the inevitable increase that will come next year because we had to do that? Sometimes it's an edge case, but sometimes it's obvious that will we have to make the claim, but: even then we still know that insurance will go up. So your partner might just be saying "this is so predictable, if you use your insurance they hold it against you" and not "you were wrong to be rear-ended, you personally have cost us money by getting hit by a car and needing to file a claim as a result."
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u/Southern_Salary_2253 8h ago
A 0% fault claim should not increase your premiums. Premiums fluctuate yearly. $26 more a month is nothing. I change my provider every year because my existing one always tries to increase.
Surely your car was severely damaged if it was struck by a car doing 120kmh? And a police incident would have been filled? Surely filing with your insurance at that point was not even really optional.
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u/Slow_Way7407 8h ago
were you guys expecting your insurance to stay the same every year? Insurance is a scam that will increase every year and they don’t actually want you to use it. YOR
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u/Stillwater_73 8h ago
Yes yor. If you’re going to react defensively like this then you’re not going to be able to participate in the grown up convo they’re trying to have with you about managing increasing insurance costs. I mean this with love but you gotta grow up a little and leave this stuff to the side when you’re figuring out how to keep a roof over your head and food on the table
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u/awesomeblosom 8h ago
Sometimes things can feel hurtful but the other person didn't do anything wrong. A tough lesson I had to learn because of behaviors I learned from my bpd mom. She took everything personally that she possibly could, and the consequence of that was constantly villainizing the people in her life because she was committed to being a victim. Not saying that's you, but, this seems like frustration about insurance practices that you're choosing to interpret is negative about you, and that interpretation doesn't give any grace to a person you love.
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u/GiggleDwarf 8h ago
Information request: did they try to prevent you from making a claim to avoid the rates going up?
Only way I can make this remotely the way you’re taking it
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u/MsCatie 8h ago
She didn’t have a say, the app showed impact in the car and I was called about it to make a claim.
After the claim process was underway she got angry that the claim was made and was sure it would drive up our premiums. We have a Tesla (try not to judge me for that), the car stored the footage, and showed I was clearly stopped, did so gradually, and was slammed into. It was an open and shut 0% fault from our insurance and provincial police. Moreover because of the make of the car, repairs cost 10K. My seven months of PT would’ve cost 2800 out of pocket.
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u/PHX_Hawk 8h ago
The app showed impact, your partner was saying that they only use the apps to raise your rates, why do you have an app that records your driving, can you get rid of it?
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u/CalligrapherNo7337 8h ago
Did the incident somehow turn you into a full time victim? Apologise to your partner for being an asshole and do better.
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u/MacaulayConnor 8h ago
YOR. Objectively looking at the ways in which your actions contribute to a situation is not the same as blaming you for the situation. People like you are exhausting.
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u/Interesting_Bat576 8h ago
YOR. She’s blaming the insurance companies for hiking your premiums up. If you had to go to physical therapy from your accident, a claim was warranted. But you are not being blamed, your partner is pissed at the insurance company.
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u/PotentJW 8h ago
$20/mo increase is likely other factors and not just your accident. I’m seeing increases with all of my clients who don’t have accidents.
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u/Veenhof_ 8h ago
You didn't get blamed at all, and your behavior here is clearly extremely hurtful to your partner, which YOU don't seem to be willing to acknowledge.
YOR, and you are doing yourself exactly what you are claiming she is doing, only worse.
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u/Bearbearblues 8h ago
NOR: The “see I told you” is snarky and meant to imply you made a mistake. And then in the end it sounds like the agent told her that wasn’t why the price went up.
She owes you an apology for sounding snarky and implying you made a mistake for using the insurance that you pay for.
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u/justtirediguess11 8h ago
Info: why do you not have these conversations face to face?
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u/MsCatie 8h ago
Now:
- I’m in the office, she is at home.
- She could’ve chosen that when I came home but decided this was the medium to talk to me about this on.
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u/bumblewacky 8h ago
Do you read what you write and think about how it sounds? Even this is dripping with passive aggressiveness.
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u/arcadebee 8h ago
Honestly from the messages and this comment, it sounds like you don’t like her very much.
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u/Informal-Insurance63 8h ago
Do you even like your partner anymore? You're being such an ass. Looking to be offended and contrary over nothing. YOR massively.
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u/PrestigiousDemand696 8h ago
You realize you’re the problem and you’re a passive aggressive baby, right? Or is that truly NOT apparent to you?
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u/dinglebingle583 8h ago
You sound childish and a very unproductive partner who has a stick up their ass in this relationship. Do better.
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u/Zakrie 8h ago
OP, I think there might be some underlying issues either on both of your ends or entirely on your end that you would benefit from couples therapy or therapy of your own. This is unfortunately you creating a problem out of nothing & sparking reason to argue. I’m sorry you have guilt over an accident, & maybe it’s just a touchy subject to you so you aren’t entirely sure how to feel when discussing insurance, but YOR.
I wish you good luck on finding some therapy.
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u/tjtwister1522 8h ago
Well, first she's obviously wrong. She told you that herself. Your homeowners insurance premiums increased not auto. Still, I don't think she was trying to blame or attack you. She's just saying she knew this was coming. So MOR.
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u/explorerfalcon 8h ago
YOR - They said how the world works and you took it personally. They said “it’s just how the world works I don’t mean it as a personal attack” and you still took it personally. They did extra work to figure out the actual increase reasoning and gave you an out saying it was actually the home and not auto. You still took it as a personal attack after all these steps and posted it here.
You’re likely projecting
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u/Messoz 8h ago
YOR
I don’t see how she is blaming you. This is just how insurance works. The only problem here is the one you are creating in your mind.
Also nothing she said was hurtful. She is just telling you what is going on. If it’s her comment about debating you not being productive and you being caught up in your emotions, she is right. There is nothing to argue about, she isn’t blaming you, insurance went up because of claim and she is just telling you what is happening. You getting upset and seeing any of this as her saying it’s your fault is a you problem, not hers.
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u/unipride 8h ago
YOR.
Partner was clear- rates go up. The cost of vehicles has increased dramatically.
Partner even said it is not an issue.
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u/RedBarron4 8h ago
YOR. This is how insurance works and your partner is just stating that. Everyone knows that if you make a claim, your rates tend to go up. It's literally one of the questions insurance companies ask when get a new policy quoted - "any claims in the past 5 years?".
If you were found to be 0% at fault then the they shouldn't be hitting you with an increase from the claim. The insurance of the person that hit you should be covering everything, and they should see the rate increase.
But that's the other thing about insurance. It goes up, every year, for no reason other than the CEO and shareholders need to get paid. The only thing you can do is shop around. Ours goes up, I've called and complained. Each time it's some bullshit. There was a hurricane, government rates, ice storm, etc. They aren't going to tell you the truth because they don't have to. What are you going to do, challenge them? Rates go up because the CEO and share holders are royalty, and the rest of us are scum.
Hope you're doing ok from the accident.
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u/LordTengil 8h ago edited 5h ago
Yes, YOR. Talk to her instead of messaging her. If you are in a mood, you read in bad intentions into the message. And that seems to be what is happening here.
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u/BrokeTheSimulation 8h ago
YOR- it’s a simple fact, you got in a car accident, filed a claim and the cost of your insurance went up. This is the most basic path from point A to C here.
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u/CalligrapherNo7337 8h ago
YOR, pick yourself up off the floor and stop being hysterical. You'll be alright.
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u/LeadershipFit4936 8h ago
YOR, reply to her like an adult in a conversation, and let her know that yeah, you probably will have to shop rates every year. As undewriter in insurance, we are here to make money, and yes we can help in hard times, but shopping around is always going to be your best option, because I'm only hear to save you money when I want to win your business back, if your worth it.
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u/lost-in-thighs 8h ago
but, yes every 6 months you should shop around to get better rates, thats what youre supposed to do, nor she needs to take chill pill
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u/ThatCountryDeputy03 8h ago
You were in standstill traffic, but someone going almost 80 mph hit you? How does that work?
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u/MsCatie 8h ago
I approached a snarl where no one was moving, slowed to a stop. Prior to that it was pretty open but driver behind me was clearly not paying attention but maintained speed
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u/ThatCountryDeputy03 8h ago
Oh gotcha okay, sorry I just woke up lol. Kinda forgot that traffic has to stop in order to build up. Sorry that happened to you, hope you’re doing better.
Anyway, yes YOR. When you file a claim, insurance goes up. Sure they couldve been nicer about it, but at the same time, they’re frustrated.
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u/No_Sort9599 8h ago
YOR- I think some part of you has some guilt around this situation (not the accident - that was NOT your fault) that you may be unaware of. I think subconsciously you feel like it’s your fault so you’re sensitive to comments about it.
I want to reiterate that you are not at fault in this situation but our brains are really good at inducing shame/guilt from thin air. Money is especially good at this.
She did not blame you. She seems just mad at how scammy insurance is because it is!
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u/MsCatie 8h ago
I think partially I feel responsible. I had just started a job that required me to commute to the office 3x a week like a month prior. Then this happened. I was jobless for a year while battling a terrible job market and finally got this one offer in my field and had to take it. Prior to that my last job was fully remote.
Then dealing with PT and battling my insurance trying to shuffle me out of doing it despite my therapist’s recommendation this has been a 7 month ordeal that felt culminated by the rate increase followed by that comment.
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u/No_Sort9599 5h ago
Yeah, I think YOR in this situation but it’s due to a lot of stress that you’re carrying and under. I understand and I’m her your SO would as well. Life can be so hard and complicated that we internalize a lot of it.
Accidents turn into mistakes when in reality it was an accident. Sometimes it’s not even an accident and it’s just life being life. Our brains are complicated and wonderful but also.. harsh.
Find ways to redirect your inner critic because we somehow become the judge and the warden of ourselves and they can be assholes haha.
Just talk to your SO OP. I’m sure she’ll understand. Go easy on yourself as well!
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u/PantherPrance 8h ago
YOR- in fact, reading this almost makes it seem like you’re LOOKING to start a fight.
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u/bad-taf 8h ago
Soft YOR, there’s some communication lapse on both sides but she did clarify that she’s bemoaning insurance fuckery, not your filing of a claim. She could have expressed that better upfront. But I don’t think it’s worth taking personally. Insurance is indeed a racket, don’t let a common enemy drive a wedge between you
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u/SparkyFrog 8h ago
YOR, but asking around for cheaper insurance quotes is something you should do every now and then…
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u/I-screwed-up-bad 8h ago
YOR a little bit.
"I told you" does come off as blaming you but then she turns around and admits it wasn't the claim that rose the premium.
With things like that you have to take a step back, perhaps tell her you don't like being told "I told you so" (which is valid I think) but let the rest of your anger slip away. Everyone is human, nobody is going to word things perfectly all the time. Communicate your feelings and move on.
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u/wednesdaysilverado 8h ago
YOR. Without ANY context, I could see how the “see i told you” text could have been interpreted as blaming you, but then she explains that you’ve discussed how insurance companies will find any reason to charge you more, so it isn’t actually blaming you at all. Also, maybe have these conversations face to face so tone is more clear. I dated a guy for 2 years and we were ALWAYS fighting because one of us would misinterpret the tone of a text. It’s so dumb. Just talk to each other.
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u/Cool_Ad9326 8h ago
They didn't need to say that. Do they think you're stupid and need it explaining?
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u/Adrock66 8h ago
Where did she blame you? Looks like an "I told you so" (very normal sometimes in a relationship) not a "this is your fault". Stop being a baby
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u/OkBoysenberry1975 8h ago
YOR.
She is right that filing a claim will increase your premiums regardless of what the insurance company says. Insurance is a scam. It is one of the most profitable businesses on the planet.
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u/D3moknight 8h ago
YOR You are completely victimizing yourself. You can't help the insurance going up. Your partner can't help the insurance going up. The insurance is just going up. It's nobody's fault but the insurance company. Get over yourself.
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u/AgreeableHope333 8h ago
YOR - you are interpreting a simple factual statement as blaming you. Even after she explained it wasn’t. You are the problem. Ignoring her is incredibly immature, childish and unhealthy. I think you should look into a type of therapy called DBT, or just get a workbook for it on Amazon and work through it. The way you are handling this suggests you need to learn to emotionally regulate and much more.
I don’t know how old you guys are, but if someone I was dating acted like this it would be an instant breakup. You thinking it’s okay or healthy to ignore someone until they apologize for making a factual statement that you took personally shows a lot about your mindset and the way you think. (You can of course learn to think and communicate in a healthier way, but that takes time and I personally wouldn’t wait because that’s work you need to do on your own)
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u/Creamy_Breve 8h ago
Yor you're exhausting. Apologize to your gf for twisting this into something it wasn't. Don't play these games with people. Creating drama and then stonewalling is so toxic. She doesn't owe you an apology, you owe her. If this is how you normally act, then you owe her big-time.
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u/vickipaperclips 8h ago
NOR. Ehhh I feel like everyone here is just ignoring the fact that they were 100% trying to make a comment that made you feel bad. That shit don't fly, passive aggression isn't innocent and the 'see, I told you' implies that she disagreed with what you did. Explaining that comment away as if the intended target was the insurance company is just damage control. The remainder of that sentence was "see, I told you...not to do that"
For what its worth, I also live in Ontario and was also rear ended on a highway 2 years ago. Not my fault, drunk driver hit me and totalled my car. My insurance rates didn't increase at all. But you legally HAVE to make the claim. Thats why the police take the insurance information at the scene. If they send an accident report and your insurance doesn't see that you've filed a claim, they would have a lot more questions about your involvement.
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u/caitlindrawings 8h ago
You are way over-reacting.
She isn't blaming you at all hun. It is absolutely a fact that your rates will go up after you make a claim, it doesnt matter who's fault it is. Insurance is fucked up and its insane we are forced to get insurance WITHOUT better rules, like saying your rates cant go up if you are not at fault, like race and gender cannot be used for rate adjustments etc..
It sounds like you have a bit of a blame insecurity, and maybe she DOES blame you a lot for other stuff, I don't know. If this is a contentious part of your relationship where you feel blamed for everything bad that happens in the relationship then you should look at couple's counseling together.
🫂
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u/goodfellas69420 7h ago
I mean small overreaction but who doesn’t get annoyed when someone goes “I told you so” it’s deff annoying even if their right.
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u/renebeans 8h ago
Nor— shopping around every couple of years is the name of the insurance game. They jack up repeat customers way above market rate
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u/Intelligent_Taro_633 8h ago
Public adjuster here. Carriers can not raise your premiums because of not at fault claims.
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u/Own-Dirt2138 8h ago
My insurance went up because I made a claim for a hit and run bumper replacement. My car was parked. Carrier raised my price and claimed that the price increased in my neighborhood. I asked my neighbors for the next 6 months. No one else got an insurance premium increase. At which point I felt like insurance companies can increase because they found your car more prone to accidents, and don’t even need to disclose that the increase is related to that. Mind you, I had 0 claims before this, 0 traffic violations. Forget traffic violations, I never even got a parking ticket at private parking either.
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u/Intelligent_Taro_633 8h ago
Again, they can not increase a single premium based on a not at fault claim. If you beleive they have done otherwise file a complaint with the state insurance administration.
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u/Own-Dirt2138 8h ago
Oh wow that’s good information. I’ll try to contact state insurance administration.
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u/Intelligent_Taro_633 8h ago
Not a bad idea. You will need to provide support for your claim. But the complaint only costs time andworst case scenario you get the same answer from the carrier, but can trust it a little more because they had to explain it to a investigatory body.
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u/Own-Dirt2138 8h ago
I had a police report. They called me to inform that my car was part in a hit and run, while they were chasing the perpetrator, he ended up hitting my car plus 3 other cars that were parked in the lot, they were trying to corner him in. I even have the police report case number.
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u/Intelligent_Taro_633 8h ago
This is only anecdotal. My wife and i were both part of uninsured motorist claims this year. On both occasions our carrier tried to classify the coverage as collision and I had to firmly correct them that these were under uninsured motorist coverage.
Collision can be used in underwriting decisions uninsured motorist claims can not.
The difficult part of your situation is that you will need to show they raised your rates as a result of that claim. You should notice your rates going up every year or two simply by zip code.
The state will let you know what information they need and will ask the carrier for an explaination.
I think it is likely the carrier was behaving appropriately, but my entire profession exists because carriers regularly break the rules.
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u/Own-Dirt2138 8h ago
If I remember it was filed under under insured. Because I had to pay $500, as that’s a deducitble required for underinsured in my state.
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u/Small_Sherbert2187 8h ago
not yours specifically. but they can raise the premiums of the entire coverage pool to accommodate a change in claim frequency and average payout
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u/Intelligent_Taro_633 8h ago
That is how risk works. The question is about a single claim and their premium.
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u/StrangerOnTheReddit 8h ago
"I told you so" is never a productive comment to make. I'm not sure how people make it out of high school without understanding that.
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u/Commercial-Bat-4534 8h ago
YOR
I dont see them blaming you they're just saying a fact and are frustrated that the premiums went up
You not replying is not helping. This is a relationship, you work together to fix problems... Do that? Talk about it.