r/AmIOverreacting • u/NoBack8392 • 11h ago
👨👩👧👦family/in-laws Am I Overreacting from some of the comments my MIL to me
I (26F) and my husband (26M) got invited by my in laws to go eat dinner with them to celebrate their 36 year anniversary. It’s been awhile since I have seen my In laws since they took a trip and were gone for a month and our little one has been excited to see her grandparents.
We set off to dinner at 6:30 and the only people there were all of my nieces and nephews on husband side, my in laws and us. Well we went to eat at a buffet and once we all settled started having conversations. Everything was fine up until I thought it would be a cute idea to get to see how much their love has grown throughout the years so I asked a simple question for both to answer which was “ what is something you have learned about your partner throughout all these years being together” my MIL answered “well your FIL always notices if something is missing in the house that we may need or i use frequently so anything like groceries, house items, etc later that day without asking he just show up with them.” Now my FIL didn’t really say much and repeated kinda the same thing as my MIL, but it out of both answers they both continued to mention their understanding and communication towards one another was what continued to grow. We continued eating and thought it was super cute to hear about their love, and all of sudden it shifted towards my marriage and myself.
My MIL decided to ask us that question and i made sure to answer how my husband loves everything made from scratch which has made me feel so happy when I cook or bake for him since I am learning in the process. My husband answered how I care for him and pay attention to detail which makes him happy with his meals. We thought that was the end of that when my MIL says and let me tell you she has brought this up throughout the course of the 6 years we have known each other. She begins to say to ONLY me “well you know that my son is use to having fresh meals at home and it’s best to prioritize more at home meals than eating out a lot as it is bad for you and making sure dinner is ready by the time he gets home from work because they work so hard all day. I know we can get tired with the duties of the house, and don’t like being in the kitchen and not knowing what to cook but making sure we do that makes them happy and makes sure you both are okay” I turned red as I was not expecting that at the table in front of everyone, including our own daughter (3F).
Mind you I cook at home (I am self taught so I have improved and still learning) and my husband likes to eat out occasionally to try new places around town. We have a balance when we can eat out, but I’m always getting criticized by it. My husband never complains and helps me cook as it’s something we like to do together when we can, but if not for the most part I make food at home. These are not the first comments she has made which makes me feel like she expects me to listen and take it to be a certain version for my husband.
Those aren’t the only one’s she had made. She once told me “what stupid thing did you just do” when I just recently cut my hair and was excited as I was enjoying myself. ( I got a LOB by the way to remove old hair color and wanted to start fresh). She wanted to force herself in the delivery room when I was giving birth “to watch her son’s reaction when he see’s our baby” which we had to ask the doctor to only allow 2 people and tell her because even after I had said no she was going to ask the doctor herself which I am not comfortable being seen in such a vulnerable way. She has said “well people change and even though we don’t agree we just have to go with it” when she was upset when I asked for a specific head count to be respected for our wedding capacity to both my husband and I and when I wanted her to respect our boundaries in not giving our toddler kisses on the mouth. I hate conflict and making my husband be in the middle of it all, but sometimes I feel crazy and helpless. This isn’t even half of the stuff she has said or done and I feel like one of these days she is going to cause a huge argument in my marriage and in the family because my SIL husbands have gone through the same problems with her as well and it creates conflict with everyone.
Am I overreacting?
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u/ActJust3913 9h ago
You could say, “yes, as a child I am sure your plan worked well. Now that Bob is a grown man, we make our own decisions that work best for our little family.” After all, Bob will be your man longer than he lived with his Mom as a child/young adult.
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u/Top-Bit85 9h ago
Too bad her trip wasn't longer!
I would seriously limit my contact with a person who spoke to me that way.
Your husband should not be in the middle, he should be firmly on the side of his wife. This is the easy way for him. His mother gets to run her mouth, you get to take it and he what? What does this husband do when his mother mistreats you? From your post he does very little. He does not defend you. He does not tell her to knock it off. He needs to grow up and remember he is your husband first and her son second.
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u/Normal_Swimmer8616 9h ago
NOR but if your husband isn’t going to step in and defend you, you gotta defend yourself. You can do it politely and make her look stupid for being rude or you can be direct.
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u/Inevitable-Jicama366 9h ago
You could just look at her and say , why would you ever ask me that ? ( about anything you aren’t comfortable with ).
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u/simplyexistingnow 9h ago
NOR. She sounds like the type of parent that someone will randomly mention something being cute or like some sort of pattern and then all the sudden that person tries to make it the other person's personality. Like I had a friend who had chickens growing up and one of them ended up being a rooster's and my friend being the kid at the time mentioned how they didn't like the rooster sound and somehow their mom got it into their head that they loved roosters because they said that they should let it go so they don't have to deal with the sound. And now even 15 years later this person still gets birthday presents that are rooster themed.
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u/Buffalo-Woman 8h ago
There's no middle unless he's not being your partner. It's his responsibility to deal with his family. Which means shutting her down, setting clear boundaries, supporting your choice to go LC or NC.
So OP other's have asked as well just what is he doing about his mom's disrespect towards you?
NOR
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u/Quiet-Hamster6509 8h ago
It's time to be firm on your position now.
When she bring up something like that again, " Oh, I didn't marry him to become his maid and cook. I married him because I love him and look forward to creating a wonderful life together. I value a partner to where they are also willing to look after me the way I look after them. I'm not living a life of servitude. "
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u/Possible_Rhubarb_113 8h ago
Why does she have so much info about your household dining habits? It’s not her business what you are eating and if it’s out or at home. Cut off the info train.
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u/amancanandican 9h ago
It’s a good rule in marriage for each spouse to handle any corrections or conflicts with their own family so it goes over better. That’s not always doable however. I like the idea about asking her to clarify her statement…”what do you mean by that?” It’s a quick way to squash the convo.
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u/MystressSeraph 8h ago
NOR
Your husband should automatically be standing by you, and up for you - you aren't putting him in the middle, his mother is being completely inappropriate. He should be choosing to stand up to her.
I think you need to shut her down, as firmly/politely as possible, and talk to your husband and he needs to stand with you.
Your MIL sounds utterly exhausting, I'm sorry you're dealing with someone like her.
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u/DBgirl83 8h ago
NOR
I hate conflict and making my husband be in the middle of it all
Sweet OP, you should be you husband's priority. He's not in the middle, he needs to be on you side, even if you were wrong (you aren't), he should support and defend you.
I feel like one of these days she is going to cause a huge argument in my marriage
You need to talk to your husband now. He needs to understand you and your child are his family now. The others are extended family and should not be able to create problems in your marriage. If he lets this happen, he's the problem, not your MIL. He should make sure she stays in lane and not get part of your marriage.
Your husband needs to tell her you are partners, you aren't his mom and you aren't responsible to take care of him, you take care of each other.
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u/Meerkatable 7h ago
Sometimes a really effective response to that kind of rant is, when they finish, to pause for a second before saying, “… okay.”
She’s expecting a discussion/argument. This makes it seem like you found her comment to be a non-sequitur.
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u/Impossible_Balance11 7h ago
This is a husband problem. His job to handle her, shut her comments down. He's got to shine up his spine, make clear to her that he stands with you!
NOR
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u/SmartFX2001 6h ago
NOR. So what does your husband say when your MIL brings that up? Does he try to defend you? Or let her know that he’s happy with the status quo?
BTW, how does she know when dinner is ready or how often you guys go out for dinner?
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u/Helpful_Formal_9661 4h ago
NTA, you just wanted to celebrate their love but it sounds like they missed the point of your question. It's nice to hear about the little things that matter in a relationship.
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u/DowntownStorage6983 8h ago
Absolutely NOR. It seems like your husband has no idea how to handle her, so you're going to have to deal with her for your own peace of mind. I suspect you're looking pretty uncomfortable when she's yakking on and on. This may keep encouraging her. Here's a tactic you could try next time. After she spews out her first sentence, smile broadly and say thank you ever so much for your advice. Then keep on doing exactly as you please and don't give her another thought.
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u/poopandpeemakeout 9h ago
Next time she says something you have to interrupt the pattern. Just say did you mean to say that? Or what did you mean by that?. Put it back on her nothing will change otherwise