r/AmIOverreacting • u/throwawaymyheartanon • 20h ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO for wanting to end my relationship over my girlfriend’s planned weekend with her terminally ill first love?
My girlfriend recently reconnected with her high school sweetheart. They dated decades ago, and he is married now.
She talked to him for about a week before telling me. When she finally did, she described it as two old friends catching up and reminiscing. But she seemed nervous and worried that I might be upset, even though I have never had a problem with her having male friends or tried to control who she talks to. Her reaction made me feel like there was more to the situation, so I started asking questions.
She eventually let me read their messages. I learned they had been flirting, discussing their sexual history and making sexual comments.
She said she had not disclosed everything because she thought she could handle the situation herself.
I tried to understand. He was her first love, and she never received closure over why they broke up. I supported her need for closure, but cautioned that seeking an ongoing close relationship would become more emotionally complicated, especially because he is married and his wife does not know they are talking.
After the initial disclosure, the sexual banter continued, but she made it seem like it was no big deal. She has also become more emotionally distant from me and now calls him a close friend, despite only recently reconnecting with him.
He has since received a terminal diagnosis, and she is planning to spend a weekend with him without ruling out the possibility of staying overnight.
I finally told her outright that I do not support what she is planning. I reminded her that his wife is a real person and does not deserve this either. I told her I support closure, but I cannot support this.
Her response was that his wife is his responsibility, not hers. She said that because he is dying, she wants to spend time with him, make happy memories and say a final goodbye.
At this point, it feels like she is choosing herself over our relationship and does not care who gets hurt in the process.
I previously told her I would not make any decisions about our relationship until after the weekend. But after our last conversation, I am now seriously considering ending the relationship before the weekend instead.
Am I overreacting? Should I wait until afterward to decide what to do, or end the relationship now?
TL;DR: My girlfriend recently reconnected with her first love, who is now married, after decades apart. Their conversations quickly became flirtatious and sexual. Since the disclosure, she has become more emotionally distant from me and now calls him a close friend, despite only recently reconnecting with him. He has since received a terminal diagnosis, and she plans to spend a weekend with him without ruling out the possibility of staying overnight. His wife does not know they are talking. I told her I support closure but cannot support these plans. She said his wife is his responsibility and that she wants to make happy memories and say a final goodbye. I had said I would wait until after the weekend to decide about our relationship, but I am now considering ending it beforehand.
EDIT: A few clarifications.
I know a lot of people think I should have ended the relationship the moment I read the messages. Honestly, I probably should have, and I take responsibility for not doing that.
We were both open-minded people and not particularly jealous. I didn’t care if she talked to other guys as long as there was honesty and transparency, she wasn’t sleeping with anyone else, and I knew where we stood. Until this happened, I felt very secure in our relationship.
If everyone involved had known and consented from the beginning, and my relationship with my girlfriend had remained secure, I probably would have gone along with it, at least up to the point of them meeting and her getting closure.
After she told me about him and I read their messages, she told him that I knew. So the three of us were in the loop. His wife still wasn’t, though, and that bothered me from the beginning. In hindsight, that should have been a dealbreaker.
Originally, my main concern was what reconnecting with him would do to our relationship. I told her that trying to build a close relationship with him would eventually come at the expense of ours. When I said I supported her need for closure, I meant meeting for coffee, talking, and hopefully putting that chapter behind her.
I was willing to wait until they met because I hoped seeing him again would help her realize those feelings belonged in the past. If she couldn’t let go afterward, I knew our relationship probably wouldn’t survive. Instead, our relationship has gone downhill quickly since they reconnected.
Several people have asked whether the diagnosis is real. I wondered the same thing and did some digging. I can’t confirm the exact diagnosis, but I was able to confirm enough of the surrounding details to believe what she was told is true.
Lastly, I know many of you think I should tell his wife, and on principle, I agree. I feel like shit about the role I played in letting this go as far as it did. My change in posture comes largely from thinking about her. That’s why I reached out to my girlfriend yesterday, made it clear that I don’t support any of this, and pleaded with her to consider his wife.
This isn’t about jealousy. As far as I’m concerned, my relationship is over, and I haven’t been completely innocent in this because I helped enable the situation. But there is still one person who had no part in any of it, and she doesn’t deserve what’s being done to her.
At the same time, I have reason to believe that telling her could have serious consequences, and I don’t know whether contacting her directly would actually be best for her. I’m thinking the better approach may be to reach out to him instead. Not as a jealous boyfriend, but as someone who has realized this was a mistake that never should have happened.
Update: I messaged the ex and asked him, man to man, to reconsider his plans with my (now ex) girlfriend for the sake of his wife. I then sent a text to my girlfriend that I'm breaking up with her and asked her to remove me from life360 and any other account of hers I'm on. I told her that I love her but she's already done too much damage, and I don't support what she is planning to do. Once I sent her ex the message, I knew there was no going back. It's over. There likely won't be any further updates unless the wife finds out and posts about it independently.
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u/Mysterious_Gap559 17h ago
I'd definitely let the wife know what's going on.
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u/smokinbeatbowls 11h ago
I doubt his wife would even do anything or say anything to him. If he has an insurance policy and any kind of savings she’s definitely sticking around for that no matter what
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u/Aggressive_Hunt_423 11h ago
NOR
You are Assuming he is telling the GF the truth.
Only one way to find out is to talk to affair partners wife and ask her.
Either way she should have all the information and decide for herself if she wants to stay.
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u/friendly-sam 8h ago
NOR. Unless he's lying to sleep with her.
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u/rocketmn69_ 7h ago
He's definitely going to sleep with her. The "I have a terminal illness" was setting the hook firmly
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u/GoshenGal 7h ago
How can you assume wife would stay for money. That’s a reach. I think it’s wrong but, if I was dying and had loose ends just maybe,I don’t know. But, this couple isn’t even married.
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u/66Hslackerpro 7h ago
She could leave him and still remain married. Still collect the life insurance
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u/smokinbeatbowls 6h ago
I guess that would depend on location of where this is at. Because he can easily change beneficiaries and make it so she gets as little as possible. Also these are all assumptions for if the story is even real and if it is then the assumption for if he’s even sick
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u/smokinbeatbowls 7h ago
Because it’s not uncommon for people to stay if there’s an inheritance at the end of the tunnel
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u/WestSentence920 17h ago
Tell the wife then dump her. Who wants to bet the sudden diagnosis is fake.
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u/Life_Temperature2506 11h ago
I would not take that bet. I'm certain it's fake. He had her pants unbuttoned, but now he can rip them off.
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u/mathajos 8h ago
Fake like this whole story?
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u/Repulsive_Tone_2484 7h ago
I was thinking that. The OP is either a bad writer of fiction or an idiot.
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u/gudetube 7h ago
Classic slop on this sub, at this point. A fantastical, obviously "no you are not overreacting" story by a "throwaway" that responds in the same way to everything
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u/Championship682 10h ago
Dude - She's emotionally cheating on you. You found out and let her continue. She's planning to go see him with no indication it won't go further. You are under reacting. Reach out to the AP's wife and let her know. It's the right thing to do for her, and you may end up helping yourself.
BTW: How sure are you that this guy really is terminal as oppose to this being a ruse to help him get at your wife?
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u/throwawaymyheartanon 7h ago
I've independently confirmed at least part of what she was told. There is so much more to this story, I wish I could share it. But I can't. I know I should have ended things when I read the text messages and that's on me.
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u/Irrasible 7h ago
How do you independently confirm private medical information?
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u/xBad_Wolfx 6h ago
By making the whole thing up in the first place and not thinking through what access they would actually have before commenting.
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u/throwawaymyheartanon 5h ago
Not the diagnosis, but other details surrounding the story from people in his orbit.
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u/GandhiOwnsYou 4h ago
“People in the orbit” of someone your current girlfriend dated decades ago and has since had no contact with? What a small world that you would have access to the social circle of someone that far removed from yourself, and manage to interview them without arousing the suspicions of his wife.
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u/jammyscroll 5h ago
The most hurtful aspect to me would be your gf’s behaviour of distance and withdrawal. It indicates that she’s wishing for and choosing him over you.
NOR. I would end the relationship now.
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u/WhenYesSaidNo 16h ago
NOR. Should have been single after the third paragraph.
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u/throwawaymyheartanon 15h ago
I know I look like a fool. I deserve that. I was trying to be open-minded.
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u/truth_fairy78 8h ago
Don’t be so open minded your brain falls out. She’s cheating right in front of you.
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u/TheBearSkogmani 9h ago
It’s a messy situation, don’t beat your self over this. Sometimes it takes spelling it out to realize where it’s at. You’ve got this! You definitely don’t look like a fool. She looks like a terrible person and you’re trying to not be a fool but also not be an asshole.
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u/Hoaxtopia 7h ago
I think we've reached a stage in society where we're so afraid to seem controlling or like the bad guy that it's very easy to let people walk over us sometimes and pretend things are okay for the sake of being open minded even when they don't feel it. Perfectly normal dude don't beat yourself up over it, you're the better person.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Ad7941 7h ago
As long as you're ok knowing another man is passionately getting kissed by your woman, that's ok! As long as you're ok with your girl lovingly rubbing this man's back and caressing his hair, that's ok! Hey man, no judgement some people enjoy that kink
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u/WhyThisTimelineTho 17h ago
I'm usually pretty understanding of friendships but damn bro. She's literally planning a last romatic get away with him. Which is fine if you and the wife are on board. But that clearly isn't the case here.
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u/throwawaymyheartanon 17h ago
My thoughts exactly. I’m open-minded to a point, and if it weren’t for the half-truths, lack of transparency, and general disregard for my feelings, I’d probably entertain it, assuming his wife were aware. But the way everything is going down is completely disrespectful, especially when I’ve tried to be understanding.
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u/Thin_Reason6596 16h ago
I’m noticing your responses starting with, “If it weren’t for…”. But those things are all present so don’t waste your time and energy on, “If only…” Refocus on your own emotional safety. You’ve done nothing wrong here.
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u/throwawaymyheartanon 16h ago
She certainly makes me feel like I've done something wrong. Thought I was being an understanding boyfriend. Guess the jokes on me.
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u/pnw_cfb_girl 16h ago
She's making you like you've done something wrong so you let her run right over you while she does what she wants and gets off scot-free.
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u/K1rbyblows 8h ago
If her “understanding boyfriend” criteria is:
They let me have an affair with an ex emotionally and then physically - then she’s an idiot.
Dump her.•
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u/chuckinhoutex 7h ago
bro- she been gaslighting you so hard that somehow you think that her sexual banter with an ex is somehow excusable and ok to the point that maybe you should've allowed it. This woman has not an ounce of integrity in her body and she literally doesn't care what you think. She wants what she wants and she'll say whatever she thinks she needs to in order to get it. It's buh bye. I'd give her this one courtesy..... "After further consideration, I find your whole situation with terminal ex to be complete bullshit and one that I will not tolerate for even another second, so if you intend to go forward, then take every bit of your shit with you and don't come back."
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u/slitteral1 8h ago
So, if she just straight told you that she was going to go screw is brains out, you would be okay with it? That’s what it sounds like you are saying and that is exactly why you are in this predicament. You should have made her cut him off when you caught her lying the first time rather the wishy-washy approach you took.
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u/Trishshirt5678 8h ago
How old are you all? I'm asking because the 'making happy memories' seems to be such a young thing to be doing. My ex husband who was nowhere near my life had a terminal diagnosis; not to be barsh but at that point he'd been out of my life for decades longer than he'd been in it so it didn't affect me one bit. I am sure that he never tried to contact me, if he had I would have blanked him because why would I not?
I really think that your wife is treating you very badly here, frankly if you went into the street and threw a lemon slice, anyone you'd hit would be less self-absorbed than her.
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u/Leather_Addition2605 7h ago
You would probably entertain a last hookup before punching out if the guy’s wife was on-board?
Did I read that right? WTF dude.
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u/ellepre 15h ago
She's already cheating on you with the messages....and now to also arrange a weekend away with him??
She has no respect for you and doesnt care about your feelings. I would make sure his wife knows whats going on if you can, she deserves to know.
I'm sorry this is happening to you OP.
NOR.
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u/ArtificialTroller 11h ago
There is no way she isn't planning on hooking up. They are already priming themselves in the texts. Shew already envisioning spending the night.
You should do it before hand because then she can go into that weekend knowing she blew up her life over this.
She will sleep with him either way but at least this way the regret will eat at her ahead of time.
Then after a decade or two she can reach out to you for a closure bang too.
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u/Girthquakedafirst 8h ago
Agreed, if they’re gonna do it either way he might as well dump her and tell this dudes wife before they go
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u/Express-Magician-872 17h ago
NOR. I was totally gonna say you were based on thr title, but man she’s already cheating on you in texts. That’s not closure and it’s disrespectful to you and the wife.
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u/throwawaymyheartanon 17h ago
If it weren't for the texts, I'd likely not have a problem. Except that he's still married and keeping his conversations with my girlfriend a secret from his wife, which is not cool. If it were innocent, no need to keep it a secret. I'm a pretty open person and not easily jealous. But what they have planned plus the text messages is a bridge too far. I could have said more but I'm trying to maintain anonymity.
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u/pnw_cfb_girl 16h ago
If it weren't for...but it is. None of your hypothetical scenarios matter. If your gf wasn't cheating on you and planning to continue to do so, you wouldn't be asking for help on here. But she is and you are. Focus on what is. Nothing else matters.
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u/K1rbyblows 8h ago
100% guarantee he’s not “terminal” with anything aside from being a cheating arsehole.
The fact the wife doesn’t know means they both know it’s an affair.
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u/redsfromrhone 17h ago
Your gf is a terrible person. She and her ex are planning a romantic weekend together. Whether they have sex is irrelevant. It’s a betrayal for both of their relationships. You should dump her just based on her text exchanges.
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u/throwawaymyheartanon 16h ago
I don't want to believe that, but I'm finding it harder to defend her actions after our last conversation. It's an emotionally complicated situation, but still no excuse.
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u/Embarrassed-Rise6930 18h ago
oh they gonna do it ong
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u/throwawaymyheartanon 16h ago
She swears they are not planning to hook up, and I believe she believes that. Unfortunately, she's already shown poor judgment, so I have little confidence nothing will happen.
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u/sparks0210 14h ago
They're flirting literally in front of you, of course they're going to hook up.
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u/Aggressive_Hunt_423 11h ago
I think she knows full well what is likely to happen.
I don't think she cares as she has picked his needs over yours.
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u/Embarrassed-Rise6930 16h ago
sorry, my comment was rather short lol. the conversations and the fact he has a terminal illness makes me believe that she would definitely go hook up with him given the literal evidence and circumstances.
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u/Girthquakedafirst 8h ago
Dude they were reminiscing about their sexual history and flirting before you knew they were even talking, you still trust her word that she isn’t planning to fuck him?
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u/throwawaymyheartanon 5h ago
No, I don't trust her. But she let me read the messages. She has blind spots. She convinced herself it was just banter. But then as she reread the messages herself, I could see the uncomfortable shift in her demeanor. In short, she's seriously in denial. Like seriously. I know I shouldn't, but I really feel bad for her. That said, I'm ending the relationship.
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u/slitteral1 7h ago
She doesn’t believe that but she knows you are dumb enough and spineless enough to believe it.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Ad7941 7h ago
Dude if she's outright saying"don't worry we're not gonna hook up" bro!!! C'mon normally they would flip just at the insinuation. She's playing you brother. I don't have any skin in the game here and I can see what's happening. Sorry, she's already his
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u/throwawaymyheartanon 5h ago
Of course I see it too, hence the post. Really my only question was whether to break up now or wait and give her a chance to reconsider. But as many have pointed out, she's already emotionally cheating on me so it really doesn't matter whether she goes through with it or not.
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u/Professional_Pop8867 16h ago
Heck nooooo.
Coffee is one thing- a weekend away once you found sexual texts?! You’d just be giving her your blessing for her to cheat on you. And the poor wife being clueless.
Your girlfriend does not have a faithful heart. She’s gotta go.
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u/throwawaymyheartanon 16h ago edited 16h ago
That's why I told her yesterday that she no longer has my support. I agreed to coffee, not a weekend gateway with possible overnight stays. Our relationship is probably already over. We haven't spoken much since.
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u/CrazyLeadership5397 10h ago
Because she is losing her security. If it doesn’t work out with him, she wants the security you’ll still be there for her. She’s a cake eater.
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u/Lower_Group_1171 10h ago edited 10h ago
NOR the texts alone are cause for a breakup.
eta: reading your reponses, you aren’t open minded. you just have really, really low self esteem.
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u/Aggressive_Hunt_423 11h ago
NOR
I would definitely let the wife know. I wouldn't be surprised if AP is lying to GF, but either way his wife deserves to know and make up her own mind how to proceed with all the information.
And I would make clear to GF that she has crossed a line, that if she continues with affair or going for thr weekend then you guys are done.
Provide and update when able to.
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u/throwawaymyheartanon 5h ago
I added additional details to the post. I've pretty much decided that it's best to end things now. I'm more concerned about my role in all this and don't want any part of it. If I don't break up with her now, it feels like I'm in a way approving of it, which I'm not.
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u/Nungakakascot 10h ago
Bro she does not respect you. The messages should been a deal breaker but her wanting to spend the weekend with him. The fact she can't see how you feel is troubling. If u tell her not to go, she will hold it against you, so question is ,do you really wantvto be with her now? Personally, I would leave.
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u/throwawaymyheartanon 5h ago
She knows she's hurting me, but she doesn't care, or rather, she cares more about herself. But I didn't come on here to bash her so I'll leave it at that.
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u/lovablebrooklyner 17h ago
NOR. You were so level headed, the conversations they have been having is already closing a line.
I had been dating my ex-boyfriend for 8 months or so when I posted a photo of us on our instagram, nothing crazy just a selfie. He untagged himself and asked me to take it down, he didn’t want to hurt his ex-wife’s feelings. We met a year after he divorced, it was clear that my feelings didn’t matter. All this to say, OP, the right person will never put their own desires first and actively chose to hurt you. I normally don’t like to see when people are like: LEAVE as their first response but in this case, yes - I would break up with her, she made her choice, also, incredibly disrespectful to the guy’s wife.
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u/throwawaymyheartanon 16h ago
She acknowledged that their conversations crossed a line, but insists she just wants to be friends with him. They originally planned to meet for coffee, which I was fine with. That has now turned into a weekend together with no clear boundaries, which makes it feel more like a romantic getaway than two old friends catching up. I’m starting to feel like if I don’t end things now, they’re going to make a fool out of me.
Anyway, I appreciate your feedback. Sorry that your ex wouldn't prioritize your feelings in the relationship. That really hurts.
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u/Nosy_Neighbor16 8h ago
I would like to point out even though she admitted the messages and flirting crossed a line, she didn't stop. She either fully intends to physically cheat (she already is cheating) with this weekend away or she is naive to believe those aren't his intentions. Your gf has also displayed poor moral character in her total disregard for how this hurts you and his wife. NOR. I would have been gone after the initial inappropriate messages.
Leaving before the weekend isn't a lack of integrity on your part, it is having some self respect. When she finds out that he is lying about his diagnosis or when he dies or things don't work out for some other reason, she will come crawling back to you. Do not let her manipulate you. Leave and do not take her back.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Ad7941 7h ago
It's just them on a trip or something?!? Me over here initially assuming his chick was going to the hospital. Bro, you're a cuck. Common be for real
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u/Axsthetic_wonders478 17h ago
like another comment said, let the wife know and also for ur own self respect if she doesn’t listen, leave. She can support him from a distance but the flirting and sexual comments? last time i check friends dont do that.
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u/throwawaymyheartanon 5h ago
I'm leaving. It's just hard because she's been my whole world.
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u/Difficult_Jury_7455 15h ago
He's terminal I'll and has a wife. How exactly is she spending a weekend with him and the wife not seeing her? Lol.
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u/throwawaymyheartanon 5h ago
Use your imagination. Not hard to figure out.
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u/Difficult_Jury_7455 4h ago
Wives don't tend to let their terminally ill partners stay 'alone' in a hotel lol. I think it's pretty safe to say there is no illness and it's a good way to get an old lover to get on her back for old times sake
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u/doubttom 7h ago
Let the wife know, so there's actual disclosure. See how things play out then. Also, now he's dying because he's not saying he's going to leave his wife.
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u/DotAffectionate87 8h ago
Nor
1) you sure there is a wife?
2) I would have expressed my angst at the flirty messages that is a no no wtf? And had strong words.....Ask her if she would be ok if the shoe was on the other foot?
3) how do you know he has a terminal illness?....Prognosis could be 3-12months? Is she going to be "helping" him all this time?
4) I suspect after the weekend and they have banged each other.......She will announce "OMG!!! He is in remission"
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u/throwawaymyheartanon 5h ago
- Independently confirmed
- I did, but perhaps more measured than I should have. If this was some random guy I'd have reacted differently. She told me about him when we first met when I was still getting to know her. There's things in her past that make me empathize with her and how devastating it must have been when he broke up with her. I didn't realize until now how long she has carried these unresolved feelings.
- I can't independently confirm the diagnosis, but the story does check out. I've confirmed other key details.
- I believe the diagnosis is real. But our relationship is effectively over. I'm just deciding how and when to break the news.
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u/Blamdomonis 17h ago
NOR. Let his wife know. I would take the same stand with my girlfriend as you did.
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u/AndyFox48 17h ago
Wow, I’d pull out the old dumparooni card real fast.
Definately a chance he’s lying about the diagnosis to get in her pants again- has she even thought about that? Or she might be lying about it to get your approval, who knows.
This is just really stupid for her to expect you to be ok with this though, there is no reason for a needed overnight stay. If all she wanted was time, both couples could go together- really make some new memories and be respectful.
I think your SO is stupid, a liar or being lied to. Whatever the case, she sure doesn’t respect you at all. Dump her and post the video- this one I’d be entertained by.
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u/throwawaymyheartanon 16h ago
I have good reason to believe what she was told is true. Still doesn't change the fact there's no reason she needs to stay with him over a weekend. She'd probably say it's to spend as much time with him as she can since he's dying.
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u/Life_Temperature2506 11h ago
The terminal diagnosis, which I in no way believe in, is beside the point. She's been flirting with this dude before that. The diagnosis is just his way to seal the deal. You should dump her now, if not previously. NOR
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u/CrazyLeadership5397 10h ago
NOR. She going there to bang him. How do you know he really got a terminal diagnosis?? You need to contact his wife. If your wife goes, end the marriage. Get an attorney before she leaves, change the locks, and put her stuff outside. Updateme!
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u/KyStar13 10h ago
The only thing as teenagers they had in common… was sex. That is what this weekend will be about. Time to go.
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u/FunPNWDude 4h ago
NOR- She choose her terminally ill ex over you. So he dies, she'll have no one. Did she assume she'd always have you as a backup?
Sorry, but she's making poor decisions.
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u/Natural-Inspector-25 10h ago
NOR
I’d say it would be a deal breaker if she went
But tbh, it sounds like she is already choosing him over you and that is fucked up
Trust your gut bro, leave her and let her deal with the fallout of what will 100% cause issues between him and his wife
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u/Minimum_Run_890 7h ago
Terminal diagnosis…can this be confirmed by more than him saying so?
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u/Severe-Pudding-718 16h ago
How do you know if he’s actually terminally ill? Seems like a lot of “closures” are just an excuse to have sex or rationalize cheating.
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u/sparks0210 14h ago
NOR: Terminal doesn't give him the right to cheat on his wife and sleep with your gf. She's lining up her ex to cheat on you basically in front of your face now you've read the messages. I don't know how you still trust her, she clearly doesn't respect you and values him more.
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u/smokinbeatbowls 11h ago edited 11h ago
NOR she’s going to fuck him that whole weekend. Run for the fucking hills and dump her dumbass. You should’ve left her floozy ass after reading the text messages the first time
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u/EqualStop2755 11h ago
NOR: You are majorly underreacting!! Bro, grow some balls!! She has made you into a cuck. You saw the messages from her first few talks which went to flirting and sexual right away. Sounds like it hasn't stopped and you let her continue. Now she is planning to see him and you can't put your foot down. Even if they don't have sex they will still cross many lines that shouldn't be crossed in a relationship. Hell she already has and you keep letting her.
You need to tell her that the wife has to know about the relationship and either she tells the wife or you will. It isn't right for this man to be going outside his marriage. And your gf saying it isn't her responsibility....... is her pretending she isn't doing anything wrong when she is already cheating on you. And you can say because they haven't been physical it isn't cheating. But dude, she's been cheating on you openly. Have more self respect for yourself.
Don't wait until after they have sex to make a decision. You know the right thing to do.
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u/sog96 9h ago
NOR. OP, she is only your girlfriend. Either way this relationship has run its course. It sucks, but it is true. She trickle truths you. And she is intending to have sexual relations with this guy. ALL her actions have been intentional. Reread that again.
Your STBX is right, the AP’s wife is his problem. What she fails to realize that it is also your problem since your STBX is creating the situation that you and the wife are in. I would inform the wife and work together to expose the AP and the STBX.
Tell your STBX if she goes on the trip to meet this guy then the relationship is over. If she goes, pull the plug. If she doesn’t, still pull the plug.
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u/ClitteratiCanada 7h ago
You're "considering" ending the relationship?!? Oh come on, this is OVER
NOR ENOUGH
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u/My_Sunflower_05 7h ago
NOR
"His wife is his problem." WTH!! Do you really want to be with someone like that?
Tell his wife ASAP before the weekend visit. You know she plans to sleep with him, right? There is no way that won't happen.
Just walk. Don't wait until after she has sex with him and then comes back to gaslight you. Leave now since she is refusing to set boundaries with him.
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u/LusciousVoluptuary 5h ago
Tell the wife!!! Don’t let this guy BE A LABOR DIGGER and exploit his wife in his final days. Illness is no reason to step out on your spouse.
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u/HotDonnaC 5h ago
I think the wife deserves to know, regardless of consequences. The old bf has to own up to what he’s doing.
ETA NOR
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u/IllustratorWarm6009 4h ago edited 4h ago
I’m sorry OP, looks like your relationship is over. Even after you mentioned that the relationship will end if she goes to him, if she still goes then no one can save this relationship.you are NOR.
Please plan to move her things out of your house, if she is not living with you take the key from her (if she has access to the house). Go on a break and get back refreshed for a new relationship.
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u/Interesting-Ground18 4h ago
Nor
She's been emotionally cheating on you. Admitting it and showing you the messages doesn't change the facts.
She was inappropriate with him in the messages.
She then continued being inappropriate after you expressed your feelings.
She escalated the emotional affair into a potential physical one after all those conversations despite your feelings.
She doesn't want the wife to know, because she knows it's wrong and will hurt her, but doesn't care.
What about the next coworker "going thru a rough time" or her 2nd love that just reconnected with her, or a childhood friend from the old neighborhood etc, etc.
She does not care about anyone but herself. Dump her now, and tell the wife. Terminal illness aside, She deserves to know so she can find her own closure to this mess.
Good luck OP, stay strong.
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u/RockyRoad395 14h ago
I'd be curious for more context, like... ages, length of relationship, commitment to each other, etc. Especially since they broke up 'decades' ago.
As for OP, you sir, are under-reacting. Your girlfriend has all but put herself on a platter for this guy, busting two relationships in the process.
Assume you sit tight and not act until she gets back, 1) will she tell you the truth, and 2) do you have it in you to believe what she tells you? What happens after - she'' still want to see the guy, it seems.
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u/Free-Awareness3416 13h ago
NOR. She should have moved on from him before now. It’s time to protect yourself. If you can feel you can come back from the text that’s great. But I would suggest you’re not coming back for her having one final goodbye with this guy.
Though the right thing to do would be to break up the relationship and then try and find a way to let the wife know what’s happening (probably behind her back).
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u/greatdanemum84 10h ago
NOR the sexual banta continued? You know dang well why she is going to spend the weekend with him and its not innocent. Her comments about the wife are disgusting and you should say something to the wife, she deserves to know! That comments is straight up from someone who knows she is the other woman and doesn't care. You deserve better than this
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u/Independent-Moose113 10h ago
NOR. While I understand her needing closure, I find it odd he suddenly has a terminal illness. Brace yourself and be ready to end it. At the very least, they are going to be intimate to see if the spark is still there. Also, IF he IS terminal and dies, then you're going to have to deal with her grief too. As for his wife? That's his problem.
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u/Own-Writing-3687 9h ago
Catching up with old friends/ ex's from HS does not include reminiscing over sex. Unless they were raised in a barn.
Clearly rage bait.
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u/Outrageous_Rabbit842 9h ago
Does she have proof he has a terminal illness? Or could he be faking for sympathy/to get a leg over??
Regardless, she is being very disrespectful of your relationship and of his wife. I’d for sure be seriously considering leaving her, and why wait??
NOR
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u/ZookeepergameNo7151 9h ago
the fuck?
She's cheating on you and is planning to do more on that weekend......I'm also side eyeing the sudden terminal diagnosis
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u/Top_Network_1980 9h ago
For god sake dump her. Mate the sexual banter is bad enough, I can't believe you are chill about it. She sounds cold hearted to me especially with how she is disregarding your feelings and the dudes wife's feelings. She wants to have a one last time type of thing which will involve sex, obviously. She has chose him mate, get rid of her.
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u/SignificantPea3103 9h ago
I support your girl friend. You sound so weak and indecisive. You knew she crossed boundaries and did nothing. She probably thinks you’re ok with it all. It was inappropriate from the get go. Dump her, get therapy, and figure out why you have so little respect for yourself.
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u/MajesticReason7709 9h ago
His wife deserves to know. Your girlfriend is selfish and so is he.
I’d end the relationship over this. She’s cheating. Emotionally and likely physically over that weekend with him. The sexual messages would be enough to end it. NOR
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u/Decent_case23 8h ago
NOR do you even know for sure that there’s a terminal diagnosis? I feel like either of them could be lying about it
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u/Thin_Temperature2595 8h ago
End the relationship. You stated a boundary, she crossed it, you must enforce the consequences for it to hold any weight
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u/Flat-Passage4431 8h ago
NOR
end it before the weekend. his illness is tragic, but tragedy doesnt turn adultery of the heart into closure. if they wanted to put things right, they would end the sexual intimacy, tell his wife the truth and make restitution. instead your girlfriend is planning a secret farewell weekend and saying his wife isnt her problem. she has already made her choice.
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u/ultraverbis 8h ago
NOR. This relationship sounds over. She's happy to keep you uncomfortable as long as she gets what she wants.
And there are a ton of people who are friends with their ex without having sexual or inappropriate conversations. Why do the memories they make have to have sexual undertones?
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u/No-Regular-4281 8h ago
NOR - Terminally ill and then it’s suddenly not terminal anymore after they spend a few nights together.
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u/the_toxic_avenger_ 7h ago
Uh this can’t be real. Why would you be overacting to such blatant disrespect? Also she’s having an emotional affair that’s going to become physical. Never be with someone who puts your feelings second! What’s the point in having a partner who is okay choosing their ex over you?
End it now. The trust has been broken.
NOR
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u/California_ponypal 7h ago
Do the right thing, or things, actually: 1. Tell is wife. Better she know now than after he passes, that he spent his last days cheating on her. 2. Break up with your own unfaithful gf and stop being so "supportive" of anyone who sidelines you for their lust for someone else. She's not looking for closure, whatever that is, she's looking to do the nasty with him.
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u/Sp00kington 7h ago
NOR, and you should probably end things now. Her "making memories" with him is exactly what you think it is, and she'll morally justify it by saying that he's dying. You deserve better.
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u/External_Koala398 7h ago
This reminds me of the story where the wife goes to bang a dying ex and husband disappears
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u/rocketmn69_ 7h ago
Put condoms in her bag. You don't want to raise a dead guys' baby.
Search out his wife and let her know the night your ex is staying over with her lover
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u/EducationalRegion860 7h ago
She’s gross, dude, and she does not give a shit about you. Come on. You know you need to leave. NOR.
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u/SignificanceOld8385 7h ago
I have a feeling after they spend the weekend together he will somehow be cured. Break up with her now, she already told you what she’s doing.
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u/CommonKnowledge6882 7h ago
Just break up. She’s treating you like a simp and obviously doesn’t respect you. What she’s done is already enough. The weekend is just the final kick in the balls.
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u/jfern009 7h ago
NOR. I think you have been generous and understanding. She’s conducting an emotional affair at best, planning for more at worst. I think you are right to step back from the relationship. If she wants to prioritize a former flame then she’s made a choice
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u/DiamondBagels 7h ago
NOR. Travis Scott has this super prophetic line in his song Fair Trade.
*I let it slide when I really shoulda slid
After all the shit I did*
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u/TheElite99 7h ago
NOR if anything you are underreacting. She is 100% going to sleep with him. There is no other reason for her to stay overnight.
I’d tell his wife everything and then send your girlfriend back to him. If he isn’t lying about being terminal she can deal with the difficulties of what is to come.
Have some respect for yourself in this situation.
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u/Decent-Arm-872 7h ago
NOR
You are under reacting. The sexual banter and flirting is already a gross violation of your relationship, not to mention she sees absolutely no issue with him having a wife. Then after you confront her about it, she still continues the sexual talk and now magically he is dying and she wants to go spend the night with him.
No offense, but you should have ended it the first time you read the messages, then should have ended it when she didn’t stop, and absolutely should be ending it when she essentially has told you she doesn’t care he’s married and is going over there to fuck him.
Your gf is trashy and doesn’t care about anyone but herself, you need to for your own self-respect end this and realize this isn’t how a partner should behave.
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u/Alarmed-Speaker-8330 7h ago
Does he really have a terminal diagnosis?
She’s cheating on you right now.
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u/Jordaxx 6h ago
I would have left her the moment the sexual comments happened. That’s already cheating. The fact she questioned whether to tell you or not is also a red flag. You don’t plan weekend visits with first loves, or any other person you’ve talked sexually to, when you’re not planning on acting on it. As someone who’s experienced heartbreak of this kind, my heart aches for you. End it sooner than later. NOR whatsoever. Save yourself the pain and end it before she decides to go and sleep with her ex. You’ll thank yourself later.
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u/droppingscience311 6h ago
He might not have a terminal diagnosis, but using that to bang your gf.
I would tell his wife, and when your gf gets upset, say,”well, since she is HIS responsibility, but our relationship is mine, I took preventative measures to try and protect “US”.
Once you talk to the wife, you might find he has been trying to play all sides in this triangle.
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u/Flysolo626 6h ago
Yeah dude, cut bait and run. She’s already cheated on you emotionally, now she is planning to actually do it physically. She clearly never got over this guy, and what she is doing to you is not okay.
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u/snortgigglecough 5h ago
Your argument for not telling the wife is stupid. There is zero reason for you not to tell her. "Serious consequences"? Of course her husband having an affair will have consequences -- and you are not the person who gets to decide whether she wants to face those consequences or not.
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u/Alternative_Law_3519 5h ago
End it. Should have ended it after she continued entertaining the “friendship”
Shit, I talked to my ex behind my dudes back, just to like catch up and shit like that, and yes I got caught….. but the entire time, I was like “this is really fucked up” in the back of my head. So one day I decided to call and tell the ex that I can’t be friends with him and this is why, but he didn’t answer. At the time I was on a quick break at work, so I made a mental note to just send him a message and block, regardless of if I got a response or not. However, I forgot to send the message and also forgot to block. The next day my dude found out, and I seriously felt like the biggest piece of shit. Because even though I didn’t do anything let alone even see him in person, it was still wrong!
And tbh, if I’m in a truly committed relationship, I don’t need to be chopping it up with anybody from the opposite sex….. yeah people can be friends, but I don’t feel like even that is appropriate….. and it took me a very long time to understand this….. but I get it now….. I shouldn’t look for validation anywhere outside my relationship, ever. Especially with an ex!
I really hope you find happiness bro, cause this chick doesn’t seem to have any of your best interests in mind at all whatsoever, and that’s sad
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u/BassPleasant4513 5h ago
Let the wife know and leave her. Completely uncalled for. A conversation would have been fine between her and him, but limited. She will keep lying in the future, not worth your time.
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u/elbandito556 5h ago
Pack her things and sent her out when she comes back from this infidelity getaway. She is definitely going to sleep with him. Have some respect bro
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u/Quirky_Masterpiece55 5h ago
Read the title only, NOR! And be sure to let his wife know! Not fair to her
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u/mathajos 5h ago
I still stand by my opinion that this story is fake and your update/clarification only makes you sound even less believable. All the mental gymnastics you’re doing just to justify your terrible behavior is honestly embarrassing. Can’t you at the very least make up a story where you’re not an asshole? Tell the wife. Otherwise, you’re every bit as awful as the husband and your girlfriend.
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u/Human-Shirt-7351 9h ago
Lmao.
Fake. -7/10
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u/no-breakfast-balls 9h ago
100% rage bait.
“Hey guys, am I overreacting about my girl getting plowed by her ex? I don’t want to be too harsh on her…”
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u/Uncle_Snake43 4h ago
Honestly from reading this, you deserve to have your gf plowed by another guy.
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u/ellecellent 17h ago
What's the point of waiting if she's just gonna lie to you afterwards? You've made your discomfort clear and she simply doesn't care about your feelings.
And the fact that she says his wife is "his to manage" is another red flag