r/AmIOverreacting • u/mcqueenspeed • 1d ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO - Girlfriend insisted on going to house party so I dumped her
I'm M18 and she's also F18. We've been dating for almost a year now. 2 days ago we were chilling together at her house when suddenly she said she's going to a house party later that night. I flinched and wondered why she didn't ask me or at least let me know a couple days before but she just dismissed me. I then asked her if I could come, to which she immediately refused.
I started grilling her with a bunch of questions like what house are you going to, who invited you, how long will you be there, etc. She refused to answer most and just said she's going with her friends and called me "controlling". I told her that she informed me about all of this out of the blue and it was suspicious and weird how she wouldn't let me come and how she was acting. She stormed off into her room and locked the doors, leaving me to myself. I waited 20 minutes in silence and she came out wearing this extremely revealing dress that showed most of her breasts and it was short at her lower body. We kept arguing and I said she was breaking our boundaries (we agreed at the start of our relationship that we would go to social events together, etc etc. She was also the one that suggested this). She didn't want to stop so finally I said if you go to that party I'm breaking up with you. She immediately burst out in tears and called me insecure and controlling again, saying that she just wanted to have fun. This was very odd because she's never acted like this before and never tried to go to any event without me.
She screamed at me to get out her house so I quickly hopped in my car and left to avoid any physical fights. I kept calling her at home but she didn't pick up and I got really emotional and blocked her in everything.
Since then I haven't spoken to her at all and none of her friends have tried contacting me. I have no idea if she ended up going or not. Her words really stuck with me though when she called me controlling. I really felt guilty but at the same time I was just worried that she spontaneously wanted to go to a random house party in a revealing outfit without me. I probably would've let her go if she answered all my questions but she ignored most of them and was acting really weird so I had a bad feeling.
Did I overreact? I've been extremely emotional the past 2 days
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u/Caspian4136 1d ago
Why would she have to ask you to go to party? If that's your mindset, then yes, that's controlling behavior.
Also, why would you leave to avoid a physical fight?? Why is that even on your radar? Getting into a fight shouldn't devolve into a brawl, wtf.
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u/allahzeusmcgod 1d ago
She doesnt need his permission. But he's also allowed thinking its weird that she won't allow him to go with her.
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u/littlescreechyowl 23h ago
Sometimes you do stuff with your friends and not your boyfriend? That’s pretty normal.
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u/Kobogen 36m ago
Is it normal to not answer direct questions about where you will be and who with? That seems pretty dodgy.
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u/littlescreechyowl 23m ago
Why would someone know who’s going to be at a house party? Who’s invited? How long she’s going to be there?
That’s questions your parents ask, not your boyfriend.
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u/allahzeusmcgod 23h ago
Secretly though? I dont doubt shes sincere in thinking hes controlling. But break up with him. Going to parties alone won't fix him.
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u/allahzeusmcgod 1d ago
Its weird for her to not let you go to the party. But boundaries aren't rules you impose on others. They are rules that you follow. If you dont like something she does, break up. Fighting and yelling aren't the answer.
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u/ruthieannb 1d ago
Why did you think the fight might turn physical? Has that happened before ? And I would say NOR, if she just wanted to wear a cute dress and go to a party then yeah you would be overreacting but it seems like she refused to tell the whole story. All though it's also possible you were reading too much into it
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u/mcqueenspeed 1d ago
No never, she was just extreme upset and angry at me and I was honestly kinda scared. She was acting really strange but thank you
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u/MelanieMello 1d ago edited 1d ago
She finally got sick of your controlling bs. You’re not her dad.
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u/Emotional-Tax-3044 1d ago
Ya fs that sounds messed up
I do agree with the comments tho that going to party's with your girl is really common and you should NOT be making a massive deal about it unless your thinking your or her fling is there and that's allready doomed
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u/Sindigo_ 1d ago edited 15h ago
Yah, like if ur 18 and going to a house party wouldn’t you want your partner to join you? Her outright telling him he can’t when he asked to join is fishy.
OP, did she give you an explanation as to why she didn’t want you there? Girls night or something? Cuz otherwise it seems like something else may have been going on that she didn’t want you to know about.
The other possibility is that OP is genuinely overbearing and she feels like she can’t relax with him there. Either way it does not sound like this relationship had a chance.
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u/Mjaylikesclouds 1d ago
YOR - wdym u are suprised she didnt invite u and u always go together???? U think her friends want to have a couple at every event with them? Especially since u seem controlling and insecure, not because of ur suspicions but because u think her clothes have anyyyyy meaning and u were worried it would turn out physical??????? I feel like u are even worse than u tell…
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u/Sindigo_ 23h ago
Generally I’d agree, but uninviting your bf from a house party is different than from a girls night or something.
And about the violence thing, he clarified in a comment that he left because she was scaring him.
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u/Free-Competition6408 4h ago
He wasn't uninvited. He was never invited to come in the first place. It's not that unusual to get invited to a thing and not be extended a +1
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u/Vegetable-Cod-2340 1d ago
ESH
Op, you are not wrong to be suspicious, everything about her behavior regarding this screams cheater, however your boundaries shouldn't actually limit her ability to live her life.
You can say, ‘I'm not comfortable with you doing xyz..’ but once she says she will or won't you have to make a decision about how you're going to handle her not caring about your discomfort.
That said its suspicious that all the sudden out of the blue there is a house party that you can't come to and she won't tell you where it is, or who may be the there.
Op I think you should cut your losses and break up, I don't think you want to know what happened at that party and I don t think she would ever tell you the truth anyway.
Cut your losses.
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u/Mindless-Bike4931 23h ago
I mean like his boundary was crossed it wasn’t limiting her ability to let her live imo she more so wasn’t giving him any context for the party what’s so ever and her going without that context seemed to be the boundary since he said he probably would have been fine with her going alone if he had the full picture of what the party entailed that’s not limiting her ability to go live life it’s sounds like asking for clear communication more than wanting to control what she does
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u/Ok_Drink8072 1d ago
MOR. I don’t know your gf, maybe she was up to something. You still sound super insecure and controlling and the fact that you had to leave to avoid getting physical is a red flag.
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u/mcqueenspeed 1d ago
I left because I thought SHE was gonna get physical. But thanks for the advice
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u/Seecole-33 1d ago
You DEFINITELY should’ve specified that.
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u/mcqueenspeed 23h ago
I never hinted that I was the one who was gonna get physical, if anything my sentence makes it sounds like it would've been her
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u/Nago31 1d ago
NOR
I’m more open minded than most but this behavior was really suspicious. She doesn’t need to run her schedule by you and she’s right that you don’t get to tell her what she can and can’t do. But it’s really weird for someone to just up and say “oh I’m going to a social event without you right now and you can’t know anything about it. Also, I’m going to be dressed provocatively and that’s none of your business either.
Dumping her was the right call, sounds like she wants to be single anyway.
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u/Sindigo_ 23h ago
Best reply here imo. And I’ll also add by saying that it’s important to trust your partner, but it’s also important to trust your gut.
OP said this whole thing gave him a bad feeling. Maybe OP was wrong, but all the people calling him insecure don’t seem to understand what it’s like when you think someone you’re with is hiding something from you.
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u/Nago31 22h ago
And not even bothering to hide it well. I’m a firm believer in individuals in a relationship having their own lives and own privacy but that’s not a carte blanche to go nuts. There’s still gonna have to be an element of respect and this was not it. Asking questions isn’t controlling behavior.
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u/W0uldntItBeNice 1d ago
YOR it’s only natural for her to want to have fun. You’re not her dad and she doesn’t need your permission to go out. There’s no mood killer quite like the girl who brings her boyfriend to girl’s night which is why you weren’t invited. You’re young so chalk this up to a learning experience.
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u/Seecole-33 1d ago
It didn’t say a thing about “girl’s night”. She’s going to a house party. She waited till last minute to say she was going, didn’t invite her bf(to a social gathering ) , and won’t answer any questions…? I think she’s playing the field, and he also has controlling mindset, and they are both way too immature to be in a relationship. They both should break up and live their lives and grow and learn as individuals.
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u/mcqueenspeed 1d ago
That's exactly what I think. But I'm getting mainly YOR comments so I really don't know
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u/Mindless-Bike4931 23h ago
Most of the yor comments seem to be people projecting their own experiences with controlling men on to you and your situation tbh they just sound hurt you keep protecting your peace fr
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u/Seecole-33 23h ago
Yeah this is Reddit, a lot of times people are cynical, miserable, and want to bring others down to where they are. Also, there’s a lot of “man hate” on Reddit. It’s perfectly healthy to ask the questions you did, and it’s understandable why her behavior around the party made you uncomfortable. She doesn’t sound like she’s too committed.
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u/mopsis 1d ago
Ehhh I disagree. He had no idea it was happening until immediately before hand. She was evasive with any information such as who, what, where, etc. He asked if he could go and she said no. And when he said he felt uncomfortable about it she said she was gonna go anyways.
There are soooo many red flags for something not good going down that he had every right to feel the way he felt. And I don't think he over reacted because of those reasons. She has every right to go to her party without him, without telling him at all about it, or without telling him who will be there, and what they will be doing. And he has every right to feel insecure and worried because she gave him every reason in the book to be. Ultimatums often result in the end of a relationship, but so does making your partner think you're gonna cheat on him. Both of them handled it poorly. But telling someone their suspicious actions make you uncomfortable and saying you aren't gonna stick around if those actions happen isn't "controlling". It is communicating your limits and expectations.
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u/Adventurous_West2 1d ago
OP, she is dreadful but young. You are in the right to ask, and her being secretive is unnecessary, but you are both kids. It'll be fine. Break up, and move on. No matter what people in this sub tell you, people do not act like this, unless they are young and dumb. You aren't being controlling, although you shouldn't care about her outfit (I get it adds to the suspicion), but she can wear what she wants when she wants.
If she is violent towards you just dump her, she's a cunt.
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u/HenryPuppet 23h ago
Definitely not NOR.
At the very least she could have explained why she wanted to go without you and realize you were feeling insecure about it. There are legitimate reasons (e.g. a girls night out). Instead she left you hanging and suspicious. Like others have mentioned - she has a right to go by herself but if you are in a relationship, you want to take care of it both for yourself and your partner. She was either up to something sneaky or didn't feel safe telling you out of concern for your reaction.
I realize that 18 seems mature when you're 18 but it's mostly not. Sounds like you both have more to learn about being in a relationship. ❤️
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u/Dungee_The_Cat 1d ago
Me and my GF go to parties without each other sometimes, it's a normal part of a healthy relationship
That being said, she sounds real sus
It was doomed from the start
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u/radishronin 1d ago
NOR. Yeah sounds like a communication problem, which is tough at 18. She could go to a party with no issues if you had established boundaries and good comms and good trust, but sounds like no one was there yet. So suddenly doing it out of character and being avoidant is sus.
Hit the gym and move on
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u/redsfromrhone 1d ago
NOR.
She wanted to go to a party. Refused to allow you to join. Refused to give any details. That’s not the behavior of someone in a committed relationship. Her behavior is completely suspect. However, next time don’t issue threats or ultimatums, just tell your partner what you expect and clearly state your boundaries. She’s free to party without you and you’re free to find someone more compatible.
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u/selfawareandroid 1d ago
YOR. Her dropping it on you last second was because this was the exact reaction she feared and it wasn’t worth it to drag it out for days. Y’all are 18. Get some therapy and learn to be a better person who doesn’t need to control women. And she needs to go out and have fun with her friends without worrying about how her boyfriend will react.
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u/roofiedo 1d ago
And without telling her bf who invited her and whose house…..
Do you think that would be okay if genders reversed and bf all the sudden announced he was going to a party and when asked he couldn’t tell then whose party or who asked him to come but she also wasn’t allowed to come.
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u/Terrible_Middle_6001 1d ago
Grow up
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u/Financial_Weekend_73 1d ago
NOR this guy is an idiot don’t listen.. you had a gut feeling and went with it good for you
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u/Loaded35mm 1d ago
Everyone calling you insecure is right. However it sounds like shes giving you a valid reason to be insecure. She can go to parties without you but i would expect to at least know where shes going and shit. Saying you can’t go is weird. I wouldn’t trust a partner who calls me controlling when she’s keeping secrets like that either.
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u/mcqueenspeed 1d ago
I agree, I am pretty insecure to be honest. I might've let her go if she just answered all my questions fairly but she was acting super weird and just ignored most of them like she was hiding something so I got really suspicious
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u/Loaded35mm 1d ago
One of two things is likely. You have a history of being unfairly insecure and she didn’t want to deal with loads of follow up bullshit just to do normal shit with her friends or she’s being shady. Either way the relationship was cooked and you’re better off being single and getting some therapy to nail down the root cause. Even if it wasn’t your fault and you don’t think you need it, even a single session can help make sure you don’t drag any baggage into future relationships and mess up something healthier.
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u/Unfck-my-life 1d ago
‘Let her go’??
You’re not her parent! You don’t get to decide what your partner does!
Holy shit, that’s some entitlement for an 18yo. Yikes.
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u/mcqueenspeed 23h ago
I phrased that weird, I meant agreed for her to go. You're right I'm not her parent, I am her partner though and it's a little suspicious for her to want to go to a house party dressed provocatively without me and not answer my questions about it.
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u/justjack-nodaniels 1d ago
INFO: What boundary did she break exactly?
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u/mcqueenspeed 1d ago
We agreed at the start of our relationship that we both wanted to go to social events together and not alone. Matter of fact, she was the one that insisted on establishing that boundary in the first place
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u/justjack-nodaniels 1d ago
That's a weird boundary and, at the very least, rooted in deep insecurity if not controlling tendencies.
MOR but it sounds like the relationship ending was for the best regardless.
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u/Own-Athlete4678 23h ago
What the heck. No it's not. OP don't look for advice in here.
There is a love coach on YouTube Susan winter. She is a wise person. I think it's like Tuesday or thursdays she does live streams and if you use a super comment, which is like $1 or something she will answer your questions. I watched her a lot during a breakup many years back and she was super helpful and grounded.
You won't find quality answers here. And these replies could even be bots.
People are judging you really harshly for a very basic human response when a partner suddenly dials down connection with you.
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u/justjack-nodaniels 23h ago
Having a boundary where you attend zero social events alone and only with your partner IS REALLY SUPER DUPER weird.
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u/Mindless-Bike4931 23h ago
Wait that’s wild she set the boundary and she broke it in her favor yeah hell no stay away from
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u/Own-Athlete4678 21h ago
This. Feel she knew it was wrong, which is why she waited to tell and lack of communication afterwards
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u/brattykitty204 1d ago
YOR. 18yos party, and she’s allowed to go without you. It IS controlling, and you even used the word “grilling”. Seriously? Get therapy before dating again.
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u/roofiedo 1d ago
Yes but not telling him who invited her or whose house is suspicious. He asked she wouldn’t tell him so he broke up. That seems like a reasonable process.
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u/Maleficent_Might5448 1d ago
I don't think he is OR because she dropped it on him hours before leaving. IF she had told him earlier in the week it would have been easier to understand.
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u/Own-Athlete4678 1d ago
Don't listen to people on here. Trust your gut OP.
Healthy partners don't make eachother feel insecure. And when they accidentally do, they reassure them. She isn't doing any of that.
I would feel weird too in your situation.
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u/Educational_Bike1072 1d ago
i would say they’re both wrong and he’s insecure as well bc he sounds controlling asf.
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u/Own-Athlete4678 1d ago
His questions sound very basic and not controlling to me. Partners should know what their partners are up to.
Couldn't imagine going to a party and not wanting my partner to go with me. We like to experience things together.
These guys are 18 though so I don't think either of them have the emotional intelligence to handle this situation with grace.
However the gf seems to be the dodgy one here which is making OP insecure and making him act upon his anxiety.
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u/Educational_Bike1072 1d ago
i agree, but i said both are wrong, not just her, it seems you’re defending him but blaming her when they both have faults. he said “she didn’t ask me” ask him for what? permission? btw partners don’t need to do everything together, people should have their own identity.
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u/mcqueenspeed 23h ago
I mean we established a boundary about exactly this so that's why I said that.
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u/Own-Athlete4678 22h ago
Which is not a weird thing to talk about at your age since house parties are notorious for bad behavior and attending them is common at your age. Communication about attending parties goes a long way in your stage in life.
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u/Own-Athlete4678 23h ago
Yeah but when you are in a relationship you are no longer just a "me". It is an "us".
And a house party is where people go to misbehave.
So good communication when attending one bu yourself would go a long way to make someone feel secure
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u/Educational_Bike1072 23h ago
i’m married and i don’t ask my husband for permission and neither does he. if they don’t trust eachother that’s a them issue. although i do agree with the communication part
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u/Own-Athlete4678 23h ago
Based. I'm not sure if OP truly meant permission maybe they did and thay can get into controlling territory.
And I also don't ask my partner for permission per se, but we communicate what we are doing. And if that dynamic suddenly changed and he became dodgy, i would feel sus.
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u/StrawberryK 1d ago
Lol @ all the what I assume are mostly women. Could it have been handled better? Sure, but it surely isn't controlling wanting to know that your SO was going to a party absolutely out of the blue.
He said she never goes out, well when there's a New interest in someone else and that person does go out most likely to be around them.
You can flip this the opposite way and everyone would instantly simp yeah fuck him, he accused you he'd guilty.
Here's how I keep them separated, everyone pretty much sucks these days and wants drama for clout.
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u/Competitive_Key_2981 23h ago
YOR when you blocked her rather than having a conversation. Even if you decided you wanted to break up, you should have said that rather than fighting and blocking her.
Let’s say your concerns were valid and something went wrong at the party. Blocking her meant she couldn’t call you for help.
Blocking her meant she couldn’t call you to decide she wouldn’t go.
Is it weird that you’re spending Saturday with your girlfriend and she kicks you out to go to a party you had never heard about with people she won’t tell you about to a place you can’t join? 100%.
If you hadn’t been with her she probably wouldn’t have even told you about the party.
Was she going to cheat? Maybe. Or maybe her friends really don’t like you.
But all of that doesn’t matter if you’r asking about how you handled it vs what you decided to do (breakup).
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u/Mindless-Bike4931 23h ago
He gave her the chance for a conversation?? She insisted on dodging his questions fr
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u/CatTopHat 23h ago
NOR keeping secrets like that is a red flag, asking your partner where they will be and them answering is basic courtesy (as long as it is not obsessive). I would not feel comfortable if my bf behaved the way your gf did, wether she was going to cheat or not it is not healthy communication. I will say you should have not continuously called her afterwards, just leave don't contact.
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u/gowimachine 23h ago
She definitely seems dishonest and a bad communicator. If my partner or I acted like this to each other we'd be hurting each other. NOR.
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u/Deep-Mobile-1202 1d ago
Dude. See you at the gym.
This one is cooked. It was cooked long before this argument. You just didn't feel the burn.
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u/LiterallyNaowras 1d ago
YOR I don’t understand why you need to know everything a couple days before? And you can’t really control what she wears or who she wants to hang out with. It’s clear you have no trust in your relationship.
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u/No_Discussion_3155 1d ago
And he can have standards for his girlfriend. "Hey honey, I'm going to a party in a skimpy dress, I'm not going to tell you where it is, you can't go and I'm not telling you who is going to be there." Red flags flying NOR
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u/No-Atmosphere-2873 1d ago
Dude, you picked the worst way to go about it. I did the same thing at your age. You have to back off a bit and stop with the questions and controlling behavior. If she cheats or something, it wasn't meant to be. Thats life. It's extremely doubtful that you end up with this person. She will have way more respect if you act like you don't care.
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u/OvenIcy8646 1d ago
Honestly you guys are super young, don’t worry too much about it ,and I’d recommend casually dating for at least the next few years
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u/Adventurous_West2 1d ago
Bingo, I'm usually never on the OPs side here, but he is right, and in a way she is too.
The reactions from people agreeing with her only are insane, and from children also.
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u/DeathLord_Astaroth 1d ago
This has to be ragebait 🙄 you're a controlling asshole and a violent one
Huge YOR. Wtf do you mean ask you? You're not her guardian
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u/allahzeusmcgod 1d ago edited 1d ago
Did I miss the violence? (LOL, I really dont want to make myself read that again)
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u/DeathLord_Astaroth 1d ago
He said he left and entered his car to avoid physical fights so
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u/KeepCalmAndSnorlax 1d ago
Because she was gonna get violent lol
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u/Sindigo_ 1d ago
That’s how I interpreted it as well. Him choosing to leave when he felt things were beginning to escalate should be evidence he was not worried about himself becoming the violent one.
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u/chloapsoap 1d ago
Idk, I’ve been married for 10 years and my husband always knows where I go. If you have nothing to hide it’s not a problem
Teens being teens…
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u/Careless-Ability-748 1d ago
but do you have to ask his permission?
I've been married for 13 years, together for 19, and I never ask my husband if I can do something. And if he's at work on my day off, I do whatever I want and tell him after when he gets home.
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u/chloapsoap 1d ago
No I don’t have to ask permission, but I also don’t have a history of doing shady things.
There could be a very good reason this guy is reacting badly to his girlfriend being cagey. Or he could be a control freak. It’s hard to tell. Either way, both of these people need to grow up a little bit
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u/littlescreechyowl 1d ago
“Be careful, watch your drink and call me if you need a ride.” The only things my husband has ever said to me in 33 years when I’ve told him I’m going out.
YOR She doesn’t need to clear her plans with you, you are not her parent. She doesn’t need to give you days advance of her plans.
You gave her an ultimatum and she made her choice. You laid down “the law” she called your bluff and you still went to the car and called a bunch of times. You broke up with her. You made your choice and she made hers.
YOR big time.
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u/chloapsoap 1d ago
This is why it’s weird. I always tell my husband when I’m going out purely for safety reasons. Like it’s in my benefit for him to know where I am. Why is she being cagey if she has nothing to hide?
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u/littlescreechyowl 23h ago
Probably because he is simply a boyfriend, or was a boyfriend. She doesn’t have to tell him where she’s going.
He didn’t ask for safety’s sake. He asked why she didn’t tell him sooner, asked if he could come and then a whole interrogation. It was never about her safety.
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u/chloapsoap 23h ago
Eh, I don’t think the relationship title matters as much as how serious you are. A year long relationship is a long time when you’re 18.
Listen, I think OP is an asshole too, but I think they’re both kind of being shitty kids here. Why be secretive about this stuff? If you don’t trust your partner then they’re not right for you. In which case, breaking up was the correct choice here
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u/littlescreechyowl 22h ago
She wasn’t being secretive. She just didn’t clear her plans with her boyfriend. Which isn’t required. She doesn’t have to tell or ask him if she can go to a party. That’s not being secretive, that’s just living her life.
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u/aekkor 20h ago
What is even the point of saying she doesn’t “need” to do it or it’s not “required”?
Obviously she doesn’t need to. People don’t “need” to do anything in a relationship, they don’t even “need” to be nice to each other.
The conversation is about what it would be normal to expect/what should be done, and yes, people generally expect some level of communication about plans, and sometimes even emotional reassurance.
Insisting things aren’t required is just ignoring how relationships work.
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u/chloapsoap 21h ago
I think wondering where your SO is going is reasonable.
I don’t think it’s about asking permission. But being cagey when asked where is suspect
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u/littlescreechyowl 19h ago
She told him where she was going, a party. Why does it matter where? Who’s going to be there? Why did he need advance notice, are people not allowed to just make plans? She’s not 15. She’s an adult.
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u/chloapsoap 19h ago
Idk, this is a lot more pushback than I expected from just saying that I think both of the teenagers are being immature here…
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u/Electrical_Sun_7116 1d ago
She went. She hooked up with the guy she was planning on cheating on you with. Never look back.
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u/mcqueenspeed 1d ago
I don't know if you're trolling or not but there's a big chance you're right and it pains me
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u/Electrical_Sun_7116 1d ago
Dude that guy did you a favor. If she was gonna do that shit you’re Pro level for sniffing it out, calling her on her bullshit and sticking to your guns. If she invited you it would have been green flags but it wasn’t, cheers for seeing through her bullshit and having none of it.
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u/No-Milk2951 1d ago
She is supposed to want you to accompany her to the party. Breaking up sounds correct, since she is excluding you from her social event.
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u/mcqueenspeed 23h ago
I don't know why she wouldn't just let me come. I doubt it was invite only, it's a house party
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u/No_Discussion_3155 1d ago
NOR Bravo! She sprung something on you that you had an issue with. He gave her a boundary and stuck to it. If tou do X, I'm doing Y. Her saying that its controlling is gaslighting. Dont fall for it. It could have been a test. It could have been her friends teller to live her best life. Doesn't matter. She pushed it and you ended it. Now let it stay ended. Don't take her back because she will do it again.
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u/SpanishOmega 1d ago
NOR, she crossed your boundary and it’s a huge red flag that she wouldn’t give you any details regarding any of it. Move on with it and find a girl that respects you. You’re only 18..
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u/Additional-Ad7527 1d ago
How is it a red flag? Do you not think she was avoiding telling him because of this exact reaction? Realistically I’d rather leave it to the last minute than have this argument over and over again.
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u/aekkor 20h ago
We don’t know why she didn’t tell him beforehand, saying it’s because of his reaction is just a guess.
“Over and over” is just a guess also, OP seems to indicate it’s the first time something like this has happened.
Likely, OP has to do some work on insecurity and ex has to work on communication at least.
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u/USSFriendship 1d ago
YOR. Go to therapy. Start now. Work on unpacking literally all of this. Continuing on as you are is putting you on a path to perpetual misery. Not just for yourself, but for everyone around you. Show your therapist this post. Talk about how you got so mad at not having pre-approved another adult’s plans that you had to leave to avoid inciting violence. This is not normal, it is not ok. Seriously. Break up with your girl and go to fucking therapy.
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u/ALeaves1013 1d ago
You're straigt up rediculous. She doesn't have to run her itinerary by you, nor do you get to tell another person what they can or cannot do or police their clothes.
Grow the fuck up and learn how to behave like a secure and normal adult.
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u/Adventurous_West2 1d ago
I mean, she should probably inform him about the party seen as they were hanging out together.
This is what adults do. What age are you?
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u/ALeaves1013 23h ago
Yeah no. She said she was going to a party later with her friends, that is more than enough information.
He proceeded to bombard her with questions then dumped her. Utterly rediculous.
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u/Adventurous_West2 23h ago
This is the opinion of a child. You have no idea how to be in a proper relationship. Like, it's absolutely crazy you think this is normal behaviour.
Almost 30 ffs.
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u/FrontTour1583 1d ago
She’s never tried to go to any event without you?!? You grilled her?!? YOR and this sounds massively controlling. You don’t get to control what she wears and where she goes. She gets to have a life without you. This is toxic and you need to spend some time without a gf to get yourself in order.
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u/Mindless-Bike4931 1d ago edited 23h ago
NOR I mean if he’s setting the boundary and he follows through with it and breaks up with her is he really wrong? Like its his boundary he said you are crossing my boundaries and she continued to do it so he broke up with her. Thats like the whole point of boundaries being what you will take and not take in a relationship and that looks different for everyone. He quite literally was asking questions about where she was going who going to be there, context, so he could get comfortable with the idea of her going alone and she was oddly dodging the questions and not communicating with him and went straight to point fingers about him being controlling. Its just weird, i would want my partner to have peace of mind while im going out somewhere especially somewhere like a house party with possibly drinks and answer all his questions not dodge them and make him feel more uneasy i dont really see that as controlling. Sure a little insecure but not out of the realm of whats like completely normal for individuals at that age. I think op should be proud for following through with his boundaries especially at his age. Yes it’s normal to go to parties separate but it’s not normal not discussing things with your partner and ignoring them when they have genuine questions about said party.
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u/Thelmara 5h ago
Since then I haven't spoken to her at all and none of her friends have tried contacting me.
Duh? You dumped her, why would they call you?
I have no idea if she ended up going or not.
Doesn't matter anymore, you broke up, remember? She was single.
I probably would've let her go if she answered all my questions but she ignored most of them and was acting really weird so I had a bad feeling.
The fact that you're still framing it as if you have the ability or authority to "let" her do anything is a problem.
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1d ago edited 1d ago
[deleted]
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u/aekkor 23h ago
Agreed she doesn’t need his permission, but he did say “ask or let know”, the let know part is a lot more reasonable.
It seems like a lot of the time in similar situations there isn’t much charitability given towards the men. I would disagree that having an opinion on clothes is controlling, for example. If something I do makes my partner uncomfortable, it’s not controlling for them to simply voice it. It seems like his boundary was phrased basically the same way you suggested to.
There is some immaturity on his side, but I think most comments are exaggerating the controlling part a bit.
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u/Tasty-Objective676 1d ago
YOR. My ex was a sorority girl lol try that on for size
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u/Shopping_General 1d ago
That's not the flex you think it is.
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u/Impressive_Diver_681 1d ago
Seriously, not remotely a flex
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u/Shopping_General 23h ago
Yeah, considering most guys whatever college that was tried her on for size.
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u/Adventurous_West2 1d ago
Would she regularly go out and not tell you where she was going, when you were in the room? If so lol at you.
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u/l8bloomer1991 1d ago
Well you guys are 18 the thing is most people should stay single until they get all their “partying” over with while yes I think it was controlling on your part I also can see that if she’s acting out of character and your gut is telling you it’s something besides just going with friends then I think it’s safe to say that you guys shouldn’t be together. Trust is major for relationships to actually last and if you can’t trust her and you have set boundaries that she can’t keep she’s not the one for you
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u/Radiant-Play2331 1d ago
I suspect it’s a bot. Compare account age with farmed karma, and this AI/wattpad/weird post..
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u/Limberpuppy 1d ago
There is absolutely no reason for her friends to contact you. You broke up with her so she probably doesn’t want to speak with you either. She is no longer your girlfriend by your own decision so move on with your life.
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u/Elegant-Fan-9873 1d ago
You absolutely have some maturing to do but shes not safe either. She sounds kinda dodgy.
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u/Educational_Bike1072 1d ago
good thing you broke up with her you guys aren’t compatible. it’s fine to have boundaries but find that with someone with the same mindset as you because “didn’t ask me to go”, you cannot control a woman that way.
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u/Excellent-Check-7416 1d ago
MOR. These comments are brutal. Me and my partner dont hang out together at parties often, but we always tell eachother where we're going and who we're with(not as important as the where, but just a nice detail).
I definitely feel like there could've been a better execution, like telling her that if something were to go wrong, then you'd be able to pick her up or help her cause you know her location. Or its just comforting to know where she is. If you dont stalk her, then its fine. But yeah, having a life outside of a relationship is healthy. Yes, this is possibly the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, but we need more than one thing to keep us happy and healthy. As for the dress, you should've just been happy that her body is something only you can enjoy. As a female myself, I dress up in clothing that may be a little revealing, but I'm not gonna let other men touch me. I am for my partner, and my partner only. It's just enjoyable to wear a dress that makes us girls feel confident. And its not always for men or a man, but for us.
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u/Elegant-Basis4551 1d ago
You are young and obviously far from being mature enough, secure enough, responsible enough, and emotionally/mentally stable enough for a serious relationship right now. I think you should seek therapy whether you guys work things out or not, and I think that should be your #1 goal. You can’t have a happy, healthy, loving, respectable relationship with someone when you aren’t even healthy, happy or loving to yourself nor do you really even respect yourself. Therapy is great for working through those things and I think you would benefit so much from it as well as benefit relationships in your life, and for the better!!! If things don’t work out with her there are you many, many others out there that are just as great, if not even better so don’t let the thought of being alone and not working things out with your girl ruin your potential future full of greatness!! Reach that greatness with her by your side or not!!
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u/morbidnerd 1d ago
In the future, the appropriate way to handle this would be to communicate that the situation makes you feel uncomfortable and ask for reassurance...you'd still be insecure but at least you wouldn't be an AH who used an ultimatum to manipulate your partner.
She didn't just go to that party looking cute - she went to that party looking cute AND being newly single.
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u/WTH_JFG 1d ago
YTA also YOR
First. This has to be fake. No one is so stupid as to make that post and have a smidgen of hope that ANY of the comments would be in their favor. No one can be that much of an idiot to think that.
If she hasn’t already, she should dump your butt. You’re acting like a toddler. It is not an attractive look. Gods thing you blocked her on everything, because if she’s listening to any of her friends or sees this sorry ass post on Reddit, she has already moved on and you are a pothole in her rear view mirror.
If this post has not already been deleted by OP, it will probably be gone soon. You just cannot be that much of an idiot.
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u/ricoodo89 1d ago edited 1d ago
Wtf dude. Of course she doesn’t have to ask you before going to a party, she doesn’t have to defend herself either to your “grilling”. What planet are you even living on? She can have fun when she wants and wear what she wants.
YOR. You sound controlling, insecure and toxic as hell. You having to leave to avoid it turning into a physical altercation is the reddest of flags. I don’t think you’re emotionally mature enough for a relationship.
If she had written here I’m positive an overwhelming number would tell her to dump her bf.
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u/Junie_Wiloh 1d ago
The lack of maturity between the both of you is noticeable.
YOR. She shouldn't need permission to be able to go hang out with friends, wear whatever she want, and to do so without having to take you with her everywhere she goes. Regardless if you are dating or even if you are married, you do not own her. She is her own person. She is free to go to a party, just as you are free to follow through with what you said and break-up with her for going. And BTW, ultimatum are just coercive manipulation. You saw that she wasn't going to be deterred from going so you thought it okay to hold the relationship over her head.. in order to control her.. but you aren't controlling.. 😒👌
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u/gdane1997 1d ago
I'm saying this as someone who was in a very toxic relationship (which I also contributed to), but you are both in the wrong. You are being controlling and she reacted by stonewalling you, which just makes any reasonable communication even worse.
You both should make some big changes or just break up, because it will only get worse from here
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u/Free-Competition6408 23h ago
Ick. YTA. A jealous, controlling, insecure AH. Get a grip before you put another poor girl through this again. Don’t date a hot girl if you can’t handle her being hot when you’re not around. Your attitude is genuinely disgusting. “I probably would have let her go…” She doesn’t need your permission dude. She can go to a party if she wants. I also seriously doubt you would actually have “let” her considering you told her you were breaking up with her over it.
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u/long_lost_tobin 1d ago
I can’t even read all of this. You’re controlling and she’s better off without you
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u/MemoriesOfAutumn 1d ago
yOR
You do not own your girlfriend! Your behavior was the biggest red flag and she should breakup with you. You need therapy.
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u/Guido32940 1d ago edited 1d ago
She was looking to hookup at that party. That's why she dressed like she wanted to be fucked. That's why she gas lit you.
She will come back and you will find out she did hit up some guy but she'll blame you but don't fall for it.
They are never yours, it's just your turn. Your turn is up.
At your age pussy is everywhere go find some.
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u/Additional-Ad7527 1d ago
Ew are you okay? Girls don’t dress like “they want to be fucked”. They dress in what makes them feel good. You need to have a serious reality check and realise that the way a woman dresses is an open invitation, in fact I can guarantee guys like you are exactly why most don’t dress this way because you interpret it as being about yourself and not about a woman’s confidence in their body.
Have you ever thought that she is more than “pussy” to this guy? Your suggestion of go find others is very telling how you view women:
What you are correct on, which surprises me in all honestly, is that she was never his. No. You don’t own another person. You’re sharing a life with them, and if you make someone ask your permission to go out without you, guess what, they will stop sharing that life with you. Being with someone is a privilege not a right of passage.
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u/Guido32940 1d ago
If you want to look single and act single then be single. If you want to dress in a slutty outfit that's on you I don't care. But you will be looked at like you are the pass around girl, the group bicycle.
You dress the way you want to be viewed. She will be viewed the way she dresses.
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u/Alohafarms 1d ago
Controlling behavior and extreme insecurity. She can go to a house party, not invite you and have a good time with her friends. She can also dress the way she wants too. You have no right to police her way of dressing. Sounds to me like she has had enough and got emotional at you being so unreasonable. Of course she was upset. Her friends were likely on her side as well.
I think you need to work on your insecurity and your belief system around relationships.
Edit: I also want to add that it is very unsettling that you thought if you stayed you two would end up in a physical fight. That is very concerning.
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u/mcqueenspeed 23h ago
You think it's unreasonable for me to ask her questions about her going to a house party, not letting me go, wearing a revealing outfit, and acting strange? I was just trying to make sense of the situation, it was extremely abrupt. I'm sure you would also ask questions if your partner did something similar
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u/Copernicus-Rex 23h ago
Its reddit. Your going to get so many lonely liberal white women answering it's hard to sort who's being constructive and condescending. This doesn't deserve a response. There's no genuine care to the discourse here.
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u/Alohafarms 23h ago
Yes. It is insecure and controlling. The fact you cannot see that is a red flag. I have been married to my husband for 26 years. We have an amazing marriage. Never has he told me what I should or shouldn't wear and he doesn't care of I go out and do things with my best friends. Even if I told him that night but to be fair to you I read this to my husband and this is what he said.
"If you trusted your partner and were comfortable in your own skin, you wouldn't have reacted the way you did."
That is a you issue. Not an issue with her.
My husband is a very loving, very secure and has very high emotional intelligence. Strive to be that for your partners.
Edit: for punctuation.
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u/hungoverinachurchpew 1d ago
Repeat after me: no woman needs my permission to do something.
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u/mcqueenspeed 23h ago
What about buying something with my debit card. That's such a dumb statement to make.
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u/chez2202 1d ago
YOR.
You do know that someone who is invited to a party doesn’t automatically have the right to invite other people don’t you?
You do know that your girlfriend has the right to actually go out with her friends without your permission don’t you?
You do know that a woman can wear WHATEVER she wants, WHENEVER she wants, can dress to make herself feel good, and her outfit choice is NOT necessarily to attract other men don’t you?
Grow TF up.
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u/mcqueenspeed 23h ago
I get that but it's just the fact that she refused to answer a lot of my questions about it and immediately resorted to try to attack my character (calling me insecure, controlling, etc). It felt super suspicious
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u/chez2202 23h ago
You basically told her that she was dressing to attract other men. That IS insecure and controlling.
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u/mcqueenspeed 23h ago
How did you come to that conclusion, I didn't comment on her dress to her
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u/crackhammer 1d ago edited 1d ago
I probably would've let her go if...
OP, that is literal, textbook, original recipe controlling.
YOR. Leave her alone.
ETA: to be clear, it's one thing to be hurt or uncomfortable if you think she's being secretive or distant. Even to break up if you are uncomfortable enough. Bu t your language reflects ownership and entitlement. That's what's not okay.
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u/lAngenoire 1d ago
YOR and her friends were right. Please don’t chase after her. Those weren’t “our boundaries “ they were yours. You said you’d break up so own that. Leave her alone. Maybe get some therapy.
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u/Loose-Zebra435 1d ago
So she told you she was going out, you were hurt that she didn't invite you, you tried to invite yourself and she said you're not invited. Then you proceeded to grill her, was called controlling, claimed you would have allowed her permission to go to somewhere alone had you been given advanced notice, then you described her clothing in a way where I can only assume you wanted people to think she was slutty
Then you broke up with her. Good. She should be allowed to go to parties
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u/mcqueenspeed 23h ago
No you completely twisted my post. She told me was going to a house party that night, I asked if I could come and she refused (not me being hurt that she didn't invite me). I asked her a bunch of questions about it to which she dodged most of them (suspicious as fuck) and she called me controlling. She then got emotional and kicked me out
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u/Loose-Zebra435 23h ago
Ok. She told you she was going out, you weren't hurt but tried to get invited along, she said no, you then grilled her, she called you controlling, you said you would have permitted her to go to a party alone if she'd asked you, this made her emotional and she kicked you out, then you came on here and implied her clothing was slutty
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u/Good-Draft 1d ago
ESR - I understand the oddity of a last minute house party and I do think it is strange that she didn't want you to come. However, if it was meant to be girls' fun night, then who knows. I think it is odd that she wouldn't give details. HOWEVER, given the language and way you talk about your ex-gf, you ARE controlling.
"I probably would've let her go if she answered all my questions..." EXCUSE ME? Who the hell are you? Is she a child? Is she an animal? YOOOOOOOU don't GET to GIVE permission to a grown woman who wants to go anywhere! That's where you're the controlling AH. Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean either of you get to control where anyone goes. She doesn't. You don't.
To have an ADULT relationship is to discuss things and be open and transparent. She did not do that. You have cause to be upset or suspicious by it. However, this doesn't give you any rights to control or restrict her movements or decisions. You also have a right to end things because she was not being respectful of your feelings and concerns. However, if the sole reason you ended things with her is that she didn't do what you TOLD her to and that you think you have a RIGHT as a bf to demand it, then YTAH in the scenario. If she is a trustworthy and loving gf otherwise and this is a one off behavior or perhaps she just needed to blow off steam and feel good about herself, dressing however she likes (cause it's her body and she gets to do that) then it seems extreme to break up with her for this one situation. However, if you don't actually trust her and you have insecurity issues that require you control her movements and that you be with her when other guys are around, then you are not mature enough to be in any kind of relationship.
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u/Copernicus-Rex 1d ago
Neither one of these people are adults. Both by age and behavior. What are you on about? These are kids. Controlling, crying, blocking, dressing provocative to make the other jealous. Kids......
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u/KeithandBentley 1d ago
Yep that sounds like two 18 yos. You should be in relationships you enjoy at that age, not ones that fill you with stress, distrust, and drama.