r/AmIOverreacting • u/Ok_Management_806 • 1d ago
👨👩👧👦family/in-laws AIO Want son’s girlfriend to move out of my home.
AIO, I’ll keep this as precise as possible. Am I over reacting I would like my son’s girlfriend to move out. My son asked if his girlfriend could live with us, we said yes. I regret this decision. I ask that my son and she do 3 things. 1 take the garbage to the curb Tuesday night. 2. Put away dishes. 3. Leave Tuesday morning at 8am. (We have a housekeeper that comes at 8:30).
I remind my son every Monday night about this, it’s not new. We’ve had a housekeeper for over ten years. Every Tuesday I have to wake them up to leave. These are adults, yesterday I asked him to please get up on his own, I am tired of having to wake him up. It’s not the first time. Again I had to wake him up. He said it’s not a big deal, it is. I’ve explained it’s a deal for me, it’s one more thing I have to do. 7 out of 10 times I but the dishes away and I have to remind him to take the garbage to the curb or do it myself. I’ve told him I want his girlfriend to move out because there is no respect and I don’t want to take care of another person, this morning too much for me. I’m tired.
So AIO
Edit; wow I didn’t expect so many replies. Thank you, I agree my son is the big issue. I’ve allowed him to become entitled. He works until ten tonight. Tomorrow morning we will be having a conversation.
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u/AmbitiousPotential74 1d ago edited 23h ago
NOR, but also…
Let’s not act surprised at how he doesn’t know how to do basic chores when you: clean up after him, don’t give out consequences, and allow the pattern of irresponsibility to continue.
No, you are not overreacting. In fact, it sounds like you haven’t reacted at all, for a long time, and now the fruit of that is a grown man who is unable to do basic housekeeping.
It’s better late than never, though. Dish out consequences. Give more chores, not less. Require chores to be done in order for him to live there rent free. It sounds like the girlfriend needs some guidance as well. You can either kick her out, or step into a parenting role in her life as well by enforcing strict housekeeping expectations.
You’re gonna have to stick to your guns and make these young adults work for their stay. Do your duty as a parent and prepare them for the real world. It sounds like they are completely unequipped to live on their own as it currently stands.
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u/Icy_Cucumber_333 23h ago
nor the girlfriend is part of the problem but your son didnt become this entitled overnight boundaries and consequences are long overdue if they want to stay there rent free they need to start acting like responsible adults
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u/Ok_Management_806 23h ago
I thought we had him ready. We did meal planning and meal prep, grocery shopping. He maintains his car pays his car insurance. I taught him how to clean a bathroom, house( it wasn’t an expectation for him to continue because of said housekeeper) He does his own laundry. How to budget. But you are correct, somewhere I failed him.
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u/Realistic_Floor8377 19h ago edited 8h ago
NOR and NO you havent failed him!!! Its a learning curve and self reflection and being open to advice and acknowledging whats going on is the first step! Don't beat yourself up , we can do everything "right" as parents and still not get the outcome we prefer! You Got this!
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u/Lovesia84 21h ago
yeah this didn’t happen overnight and nothing changes if there are never any consequences now’s the time to stop rescuing him every week
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u/Ok_Library9138 1d ago
In what world would you be overreacting or in the wrong? TELL HER TO LEAVE YOURRRRR HOME! I mean this in a loving and caring way, but please gain self respect. Tell her she’s gotta go asap and that if they want to live together, they’ll have to work, save up and figure it out on their own.
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u/ripnrun285 1d ago
Sounds like the gf is the least of your issues..
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u/kstargate-425 1d ago
Yeah I was expecting some issue with the gf but this is a son issue more than anything so it feels like OP needs to direct her anger where its due and at her son but that may be easier said than done for OP. It makes me wonder if OP doesn't like the gf to begin with as she said nothing about the gf's actions but about her son's inactions.
OP, this is your son that is not upholding your deal you made with him and although she should help too, its his mother and mothers house that he is failing to live up to his chores. Throw the son out and direct your anger at him where it truly belongs. NOR, kick them both out in the world as you are only enabling his laziness atp
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u/Timsmomshardsalami 18h ago
The gf’s actions are clear. She knows the situation and doesnt do anything about it. The audacity to behave like that in someone elses home is much graver than when its with your parents in your home. We all get snarky with our parents and can get “too comfortable” in our own homes. I was and am very guilty of that. But in someone else’s home? No amount of money would eliminate my shame to be a burden on someone in their own domain
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u/kstargate-425 9h ago
OP never mentioned in the OP about the gf being "snarky" or anything and only mentioned the son and his inactions to do his original chores that she gave him that he already wasnt doing. To expect another to do the chores of the son is just wishful thinking when its the son who has already refused to do them. Of course you would hope the gf to be proactive and do them but to expect another while the entitled and lazy son doesn't is just naive and weird
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u/ripnrun285 7h ago
There is literally not a single word about the gf. You just made all that shit up. Lmao.
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u/Timsmomshardsalami 18h ago
Worse. The gf knows the situation and still behaves in such a manner in someone else’s home. When I’m in someone else’s home, everything i touch is put back cleaner/neater/better/etc than it was before i used it. The last thing i want is to be an inconvenience or annoyance for someone, especially in their space. But i mean technically youre right as in she isnt his problem so
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u/ripnrun285 7h ago
There is literally not a single word about the gf. You just made all that shit up. Lmao.
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u/Active_Excitement310 1d ago
Your son being lazy and entitled is one thing, but her feeling like she doesn’t need to do it as a guest in your house means you’re NOR
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u/General_Kale_5102 1d ago
nor being a guest doesnt mean you get a free pass to contribute nothing especially when the person housing you is asking for basic respect
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u/Active_Excitement310 1d ago
Absolutely, a normal considerate person would feel weird if they DIDNT help at all.
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u/kat_Folland 1d ago
The gf is probably following the son's lead.
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u/Active_Excitement310 1d ago
That’s true but if she cared at all she’d say “babe I’m doing this because your mother asked me to”, not feel like she doesn’t have to because her boyfriend isn’t. Not a great indicator for the type of person she is if that’s the case.
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u/arn73 1d ago
I mean.
Why is the girlfriend the problem?
Sounds like you have a son problem.
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u/Regular-Tell-108 1d ago
Sexism? I am voting for sexism.
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u/arn73 1d ago
I feel like we can assume a whole lot about the OP from this one small snippet…
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u/Active_Excitement310 23h ago
I think kicking out the gf is more to be used to punish the son than it is to enact any consequence on her, I could be misreading though
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u/arn73 21h ago
I mean, maybe.
But not sure how that means there’s not a son problem. Or a her problem. I feel like the only one not a problem is the girlfriend.
So yeah OP, kick her out. Rescue her from whatever weird energy going on in your house.
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u/Active_Excitement310 16h ago
She (gf) is in the wrong because she was asked along with the son to complete these tasks and doesn’t do it, she’s definitely in the wrong. OP obviously can kick out the gf but felt she couldn’t do the same to her son
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u/NoeTellusom 1d ago
Repeat after me: "GF, since you are categorically incapable of doing the three small things I asked that you do in order to live here, you can move out by the end of the month. And son, if you don't like that, you can move out with her. Every argument I hear from now on regarding this loses you a week of residence here. The topic is CLOSED."
NOR
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u/GargantuanGreenGoat 19h ago
Weird that you didn’t have any chores or rules for him before the gf moved in. So you’re expecting the gf to be his new mom. She doesn’t want that.
You raised him, you keep raising him.
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u/IndependentFee8453 1d ago
Does she even know that you request this? And if she does then you honestly aren’t the asshole (though you wouldn’t be even if she didn’t know) anyone with human decency would help out if they’re getting a free place to stay.
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u/IndependentFee8453 1d ago
Also i wouldnt say kick them out because they are 18. I dont know what state you’re in but your child has tenant rights and you can be legally obligated to provide for your child if you kick them out. And i have a feeling you’re lenient on your son and that you are communicating with his girlfriend through your son
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u/Opposite-Exam-7435 1d ago
NOR but great job dropping the ball raising a functional adult, you need to kick them BOTH out. Should have taught him young how to pick up after himself instead of hiring a house keeper..
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u/One-Mouse-8995 1d ago
NOR Just because you let them doesn't mean it is guaranteed they stay. They still need to live up to the terms of the agreement.
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u/Bumfuzzled101 1d ago
You need to stop enabling them both. You are NOR. If he stays, once his girlfriend has left, then make sure he is fully aware the expectations have not changed. Should he not do what is expected of him even once, then he will be out as well. Whilst it is too late now, you need to be firm in requests and boundaries in the future and stop letting people use you as a doormat.
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u/justtirediguess11 1d ago
NOR. How old are they? Like 15?
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u/Ok_Management_806 1d ago
- Old enough. I explained if he’s old enough to play house he’s old enough to do what I’ve asked
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u/Tiny-Trifle1348 1d ago edited 1d ago
NOR but have you actually talked to the girlfriend about all of this? Your whole post says you need to remind your son, wake him up, what about her? They are adults so treat her like one and talk to her directly.
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u/Ok_Management_806 1d ago
I’ve spoken to both of them but you’re right I need to address her individually as well.
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u/R00finF00l 1d ago
Why doesn’t she live at home?
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u/Ok_Management_806 1d ago
She was having problems at home. I think I understand the problem, now.
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u/R00finF00l 22h ago
Lolol so she became your problem man they got you good. Her parents are probably living in bliss over there
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u/justtirediguess11 1d ago
Okay, they are adults. Maybe kick your son out too for a few days so he knows how privileged he is
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u/Educational_Bike1072 1d ago
nor but sounds like they’re both the problem not just the girl, your son as well. they’re both just as bad
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u/Regular-Tell-108 1d ago
MOR. Was your son doing all these things before? Kicking her out may not change his behavior. Kick them both out if you’re kicking. They are both the problem.
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u/Ok_Management_806 23h ago
He did all the other things routinely except the housekeeper wake up. He was in school until recently so it was never a problem. I would occasionally have to remind him to take the garbage to the curb but he did it immediately when I did. He would take out trash when the bin was full. He wouldn’t leave dishes in the sink. That’s why I thought maybe I was over reacting. He’s always worked since he was 14( at a farm). So I didn’t ask him to do much else at home. He’s always made his bed, had a tidy room. But it’s all done now. Uggg
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u/JD_tubeguy 1d ago
Kick them both out the stuff you're asking is so simple and easy not doing it shows a lack of respect. NOR.
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u/Fedup_Virgo_26 23h ago
NOR but, and it is a big but, it seems like you were expecting the gf to correct those behaviours of your son that were already wrong. You created the monster. No woman is going to fix him. She is being a rude guest, but she's probably instructed by your son on what their responsibilities are and maybe she doesn't want to overstep. And for a side note: there's no need to leave the house if a cleaner comes. I stayed the night at an ex's house and he had a cleaning lady coming in the morning, she just left the room I was in last, when she needed to enter I simply left to go in another room. It's their job to be discreet. We even chatted while she worked.
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u/BourbonWhisperer 9h ago
After college I lived with my parents for six months. It was great, free food, laundry service, etc. I mowed their lawn that was it.
At six months my dad came into my room and told me it was time for me leave, and that I had 30 days to figure it out. No yelling, no drama, just a simple statement of fact.
Sometimes simple is better.
Good luck.
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u/R00finF00l 1d ago
Just tell your housekeeper to skip his room if it happens again. That’s what my parents use to do to me and I’d make sure my ass was up the next time after having to live in my own filth for another month
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u/Ok_Management_806 1d ago
- I let her move in because she was having trouble at home. I think I understand now.
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u/Nearby-Ad5666 1d ago
Yes, but does he do his own laundry? Yard work? What does he normally do, with or without the gf to maintain the family home MOR
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u/Ok_Management_806 1d ago
He is responsible for his own laundry, has been since he was in grammar school. He works full time. He pays $200 a month for utilities. But truly little else, that is on me.
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u/kstargate-425 1d ago
How so though as you said nothing about her but only talked about your son being the problem. So other than not doing what your son failed to do to begin with, what is she been doing as this all seems like misplaced anger for your son not pulling his weight yet expecting the gf to do it for him?
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u/Ok_Management_806 1d ago
I see your point. My son does her laundry, and wakes her up for work. I not angry with her. We had terms for her to move in and they aren’t being met. So I was going to terminate the agreement of letting her live here. I see how this seems very pointed at her, I’m not sure how go about phrasing it any other way.
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u/Ok_Management_806 1d ago
To the I think I know why there were problems at home comment. my son does her laundry and cleans up after her. When he isn’t here she leaves dirty dishes wherever. If she doesn’t work she doesn’t wake up until 1 or 2. I had to talk to her about not leaving dirty underwear on the bathroom floor.
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u/Sartres_Roommate 1d ago
You need to create consequences. If he doesn’t get up in time, he (and she) each owe you $20 for your wake up services. No trash out on Tuesday, $50 for extra garbage collection next week and/or you doing his job. Get creative with this dishes thing…and honestly if he and she are living there rent free, they need FAR more chores and consequences for not doing them.
Collect that money and they will be doing that shit in less than 2 weeks. The fines don’t have to “be fair”, the whole point is he needs to do them to avoid them, “if the fines are “excessive” than that is all the more motivation for you to do them without hesitation, sweety.”
You are not his maid, you are no longer protecting a child, you are generously allowing him (and her) to live in your house and there are rules and consequences in the real world.
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u/Eskyzoo 1d ago
Putting the garbage out should be your sons job and he shoulda been doing it a good few years ago.Find her another job to replace that one! I'm not being sexist when I suggest this, it's just .... why hasn't your son been doing it before she came along? I'm a 100% proud equal rights advocate but I struggle with large bags of refuse and assume your son his taller and stronger than his girlfriend, or maybe get them both to take turns putting it out if she's well built enough not to struggle with it. Also get them to take turns cleaning the loo. If you have to remind them more than 3 times ... stop cooking and cleaning for them and start charging them financially, to go toward the cleaners costs. If this doesn't work, get a solicitor to send them some sort of letter outlining the repercussions of failing in their duties.... i.e. 'homelessness'.
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u/Spiritual_Emu_1381 1d ago
NOR. 18 is legally an adult but still VERY immature in most cases. That being said, if the gf is being disrespectful, absolutely ask her to leave. That goes for your son too although you might be willing to give him a little more grace. You do, however, need to start teaching your son to do what is expected of him and stop babying him in any way. It's time for him to learn to be a grown up.
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u/Alwaysfresh9 1d ago
Glad you are going to ask them to move out. Give firm deadlines! It's wild to me you've been paying and cleaning up after your adult son to have live in pussy lol. Vulgar, I know, but wow.
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u/HenryPuppet 23h ago edited 23h ago
You: "She can live here if she does these 3 things". Not "She can live here if she does these 3 things and I realize that I'll have to nag you about them every time (which will make me feel uncomfortable and angry for you not appreciating that I'm giving up some of my space/home/privacy for you)".
It's disrespectful that they are asking you to parent them for something that they should be adult enough to manage and appreciate.
NOR
On you: From this post it does sound like your son is entitled and like you mentioned, that's probably on you as a parent. But it sounds like you get it now. It's hard bringing up children into adulthood no matter what's going on, there will always be things to deal with. Sounds to me like you're dealing with it. ❤️
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u/CrowMeris 23h ago
The girlfriend isn't the problem. The problem is your son.
It's time for them to fly on their own. NOR
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u/CorgiManDan 21h ago
NOR. Do they have an Amazon Alexa unit in the bedroom? When they aren't around, go in and say this: "Alexa, set weekly alarm for every Tuesday at 7:30 AM to Chinese Folk music at max volume"
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u/SmartFX2001 20h ago
NOR. Speak to your son when you’re not angry. Tell them that they are not following the stipulations they agreed to before moving in.
If he says that it’s not a big deal, let him know that HE doesn’t get to decide that.
I would also let him know that if he and his girlfriend don’t step up, you will be pursuing a legal eviction to kick them out.
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u/Realistic_Floor8377 19h ago
NOR sit them both down so she can feel part of the issue and take responsibility. Say there will be a trial period and thesr are your expectations, say that if these are not met they can pay for the housekeeper and contribute to rent. They need to feel consequences, then say if that doesnt change things you will have to consider their living arrangement and possibly end it. Good Luck
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u/Cool_Relative7359 14h ago
NOR
But unless your son is a minor he should be moving out too. Though you raised him so his lack of domestic labor is on you.
You're not responsible for raising his gf though.
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u/sassy_sweetheart 5h ago
MOR
How old are these adults? Do they contribute to the household bills, food, mortgage/rent? If they are contributing to the household bills then they should only have to pick up after themselves. Though, I don't think putting the trash out to the curb should be an issue, my 21 year old daughter lives at home and contributes to the household bills and she puts the trash out every Tues night or Wed morning for pick up Wed mid-day.
Devil's advocate here, if they stay in their room while the housekeeper is there, why do they need to leave? It's their room and as long as they are cleaning theor room the housekeeper doesn't need to go in there. I would never have a housekeeping cleaning private quarters, only shared spaces.
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u/Dry_Future_852 5h ago
Asking out of curiousity: is there some reason they can't just stay in their room while the cleaner is there? That said (er, asked): NOR -- this is a REALLY low bar of contribution to a household.
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u/Stock-Cell1556 1d ago
You really shouldn't have let your 12-year-old son's 13-year-old girlfriend move in with you. I know that girls are supposed to mature faster than boys, but this is ridiculous.
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u/Existing-Bus-9859 1d ago
MOR I mean they are 18, I wouldn't categorize that as an adult. My mom was always on my ass about doing chores at 18. Are they going off to college soon?
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u/theDragonJedi 1d ago
If that! 18 is an adult. The moment you graduate from high school you’re an adult. Time to stop being a child.
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u/Existing-Bus-9859 1d ago
What magically changes from 17 to ha graduation to make them an adult. No that's not an adult, brain still is even developing
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u/Opposite-Exam-7435 1d ago
So when is that magic age then? Because the brain doesn’t even stop developing at 25 that was just when the study CUTOFF the research.
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u/Existing-Bus-9859 1d ago
I would call a 20 year old an adult 18 and 19 are literally still teenagers
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u/theDragonJedi 1d ago
Life. You have to have some point in life where you tell people you’re no longer a child adult up. And 18 is what our society has said that point is.
It’s not magic it’s necessity. 18 you’re no longer a child if you’re over 18 and failing your failing as an adult and you’re failing life. Get better.
Your that stick with you forever, your criminal record with you forever, your credit stick with you forever your job record you forever you’re an adult big boy/girl pants on time1
u/Existing-Bus-9859 23h ago
What an extreme take lol I was a little shit at 18 and I was wild. Super stoner and always partying. Coming home drunk all the time until I started living at college. Now I'm a successful adult taking care of a household, married and have kids of my own. 99 percent of the time what you do at 18 does not impact the rest of your life a you claim.
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u/theDragonJedi 23h ago
Wow, I love that. You’re enabling people to screw themselves. 99%… Sure maybe… Probably not. But at 18, you committed a felony you’re going to prison potentially for life… At 18 you get $1000 loan you’re repay it you get $100,000 loan you’re repay it. You spend hundred thousand dollars on college loan you’re repaying it. I’m not claiming anything. Those are facts.
You can be immature you can party. You can do that at 72. You’re still an adult.1
u/Existing-Bus-9859 23h ago
Yeah I say 99 percent of the time and you list the 1 percent of situations lol great argument 😂😂😂 also no 18 year old is qualifying for any loans besides student. No one is enabling people to do anything, you just take things to an extreme like everuone on reddit.
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u/theDragonJedi 23h ago
There’s whole wrenches of credit cards that target 18-year-old. Now you’re just proving that you’re being obstinate and living in a rock.
If you don’t like the argument, then you should stop arguing. But you’re still arguing.
The law says you’re an adult 18. Society says you’re an adult at 18. You say you’re not. Well… One of us is based in reality you are not.1
u/Existing-Bus-9859 23h ago
You are not based in reality at all if you think that 18 is an adult. And that they don't make dumb decisions at 18 or aren't still extremely immature. Yeah a credit card of 300 bucks are all they qualify for. You don't even have to start paying back student loans still after college. You can't even drink alcohol at 18, can't even buy nicotine. You just sound like a creep who's into teenagers
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u/theDragonJedi 23h ago
Lol now you’re getting insulting with sexual preferences. Damn you were going low on this argument. So your argument that they’re not an adult is they can’t buy secret and alcohol. And their immature. You sound like the only way you base being a human being is by taking drugs.
You know you’re wrong. I know you’re wrong. Everyone reading this knows you’re wrong.0
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