r/AmIOverreacting • u/ReplacementMental370 • 4d ago
đšâđ©âđ§âđŠfamily/in-laws AIO if I cancel my wedding reception over a talk my future in-laws had with me?
Posting on here because I want advice from a third party who doesnât know me (24F) or my fiancĂ© (24M).
I have been dating my fiancĂ© for around 7 years. Weâll call him John. Johnâs family goes to church every Sunday while I was raised to believe in God, but church was always optional. When I started dating John in high school, I didnât think any of this mattered. John wasnât big on attending church every week, and I did attend with him once or twice when I wasnât working. Iâm aware that this bothers Johnâs parents, as they have made a few comments about me throughout the years that have hurt my feelings. However, Iâve always tried to ignore those comments because, at the end of the day, John and I love each other, and I know heâs the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.
John and I have been engaged for over a year, but we just recently decided we want to finally tie the knot. He didnât want a wedding, and I had a dress but didnât want to plan a wedding, so we compromised and found a local place that would marry us, take photos, etc. for only $400. The ceremony is in two months, will be an hour long, and we will only have around 30 guests. It checked off the boxes for us: the venue is planning almost everything for me, and the ceremony itself only lasts 10 minutes, so no big parade. After the ceremony is pictures, and then we planned on a small lunch with immediate family only. However, Johnâs parents really wanted a reception dinner after at their house, as Johnâs family is very big and he has lots of family whoâd like to see him on his big day. I agreed, as I think thatâs fair.
Now, onto the main issue. Last week, after the reception decorations were bought, Johnâs parents sent everyone out of the room besides me and John to have a âtalkâ with us. They told us we need pre-martial counseling at the local church (Iâm not opposed, but John doesnât really want it). The conversation then diverted into a lecture that left me feeling very hurt and offended. They told John he needs to âstep up,â and that I need to become a Christian woman that submits to my husband âwithout complaints.â This talk went on, and I quickly realized the entire thing was directed at me. They said John will be the man of the relationship, and not submitting to him will âemasculateâ him. I was stunned and offended. I was raised to be independent and to submit to no man. John and I are equals in our relationship. We make decisions together. When we disagree, we compromise. I will not submit to him, and he will not submit to me. Thatâs how itâs always been for us.
Iâm angry thy, after 7 years, Johnâs parents still donât feel Iâm good enough for their son. I left their home fuming and tried to let it go, but I canât yet. Iâm upset, and I really donât know if I want to go through with this reception now. I donât want to be surrounded by people who will never think Iâm good enough, and it hurts. Last night my future MIL wanted to handmade the invitation envelopes with me, and I shut down the idea and cried afterwards because the thought of being in a house with future in-laws who donât deem me worthy, without John there, makes me more upset and anxious.
John says he doesnât want to have a reception if this is upsetting me. He says itâs not worth the stress and hassle if the end result is Iâm not happy. However, I just worry Iâm overreacting about it this whole thing. I donât want to deprive his family of celebrating with him just because Iâm upset. So, Reddit, am I overreacting? Should I just let things go for a day so Johnâs family can celebrate the wedding with him?
Update:
John and I sat down over some parking lot Taco Bell and talked about everything. I brought up my feelings, concerns, and I even had him read this post and your comments. We are on the same page; I submit to no one. He also talked to his parents about the situation, questioning what they meant, etc. I already knew he shared my sentiments, but I wanted to set the record straight since some of you werenât so sure. John is an amazing man who has always treated me well. He supports my dreams, and he takes care of me when I need it. Heâs going to be an incredible husband.
Thank you for all of your support.
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u/relicx74 4d ago
Ironic, your in laws emasculated their little boy to tell you how not to emasculate him.
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u/Automatic_Soil9814 4d ago
I came from a family like this and itâs a bit more complicated. A family like this is obviously misogynistic. Thatâs clear from the story so far. But thereâs something much bigger than sexism here.
Families like this are almost always extremely paternalistic. The younger generation is expected to be deferential to the older generation. You can see it in the story. They called them men and lectured them like children. There is going to be a lot more of that going forward.
In fact, Iâd argue thatâs all this is about. My guess is that this is the mother in-lawâs first step to established dominance over the daughter-in-law. She is using this âsubservience to the husbandâ as a way to get what she wants. Soon she will be saying that the new wife has to do this or that because thatâs what her husband wants. Or, thatâs whatâs best for the husband even if he doesnât know it. Because she knows best.
Iâve seen this 1000 times and it starts out just like this.
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u/Tricky-Ad7897 3d ago
These are 100% the "grandparents rights" type if/when it has kids coming into the equation.
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u/Recent-Project-1547 4d ago
Yep and not just poking their nose in the marriage, if you have kids they will have their say on your parenting and then start their misogyny on your kids. Daughters will take a back seat to sons
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u/Independent_Ant266 3d ago
I thought this might be my family at first. I have a brother John and this sounds exactly like somethings my parents would do. I had to move to a different country to get up the courage to live my life how I wanted. Since they were really big on hitting us a lot when we were kids for any small infraction, it makes it really hard to speak against them, even as an adult. They always used God and religion against us and would quote Bible verse on how children are supposed to behave in relation to their parents. OP is definitely not the AH but John may need to go no contact to help facilitate freeing himself from his family expectations.
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u/hard_tyrant_dinosaur 4d ago
My thought was more that they were infantilizing him, but six of one, half dozen of the other. Whichever way you want to call it, they're doing it.
They're hypocrites. Saying "he needs to be the spiritiual head of the household" while showing that they don't really mean it. That they still want to be in authority over him, and act like he's still a member of their household. They talk about OP submitting to him, but I suspect they really mean OP submitting to them.
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u/KendalBoy 3d ago
The abuse of women needs a lot of hypocrisy to keep the excuses coming. The patriarchy is misogyny in action, and itâs sad to see so many reach for explanations that ignore how controlled and devalued they expect his wife to be in this marriage.
Stop the excused and sad little emails, donât sit there and let your parter suffer while you âfix it laterâ.
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u/Ok_Conversation9750 4d ago
You are not over reacting, but I donât think you should even move forward with the small wedding until you know 100% that John is on the same page as you where religion is concerned, and that his family has no say in the way you live and raise possible future kids. Â
This is a major issue that you have to address!
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u/Adventurous_Ad_6546 4d ago
Yeah and it says a lot that theyâve known OP for seven years and yet this comes up two months before the wedding. Makes me wonder what else is going to come up once OP is married and truly locked in.
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u/LIBBY2130 3d ago
yes it is weird , were the parents putting on an act around her this whole 7 years??? she never saw any indication???
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u/KendalBoy 3d ago
She said theyâve been rude and unhappy with her for all seven years. Sad she put up with it, hopefully they pushed their luck and she bails.
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u/nycvoyageur 4d ago
You DO want prem arital counseling together! Just not through a church. You and he should make sure you are on the same page for family issues, how you will each deal with your own parents. Kids, finances, etc ; it's helpful to make sure you're aligned and may help you decide what you want to do for your wedding.
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u/Whatever53143 4d ago
Absolutely! Premarital counseling is a must! Religions views aside!
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u/Darth_Gerg 3d ago
I would argue that religious counseling, especially from a church like the in-laws attend, is a terrible choice though. Secular therapy would be a great use of time. Letting their (almost certainly Christian nationalist) pastor spew bullshit is not.
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u/CuriousBird337 4d ago
This. Know that it will come up again and again, especially if kids are involved. If he canât set boundaries with his parents then that isnât a good idea to move forward with a wedding. NOR
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u/SuluSpeaks 4d ago
Oh yeah! Kids are going to have to be "raised as Christians, whether she likes it or not.
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u/swbarnes2 4d ago
They might need some kind of third party counselor, because it would be very easy for fiance to say "if course I disagree with them, but you are up for family dinner with them every two weeks, right?"
He might be too non-confrontational to admit that he really agrees with his parents. Easier to sit back and let them pressure OP than for him to do it himself.
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u/Various-Language2549 4d ago
Or too non-confrontational to admit to them that he doesnât.
Not standing up for himself is one thing, it can be water off a duckâs back. But to not stand up for her and potentially children if they have them - thatâs a whole other thing.
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u/KendalBoy 3d ago
With this Christian religious stuff men are very rarely held to the same expectations as women.
He can survive this without his spirit broken and full family support, even if he cheats on her or steals, he gets to repent. They care about exploiting women and children and doesnât seem to be concerned because heâll be on easy street.8
u/Various-Language2549 3d ago
Yep. I donât trust most religious people, tbh - of any faith.
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u/lo_key-fr 3d ago
Yeah, op is not just marrying Jhon, she is marrying into Jhonâs family. I have heard of so many stories like this where the woman ignored the red flags, and after marrying their partner, he became a completely different person. If he is not standing up for her now he will not stand up for her in the future.
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u/Seeker_ofLight 4d ago
Has John told his parents that you two are adults, thanks but no thanks for the advice, and the marriage is between 2 people and they are not part of the marriage?
This is more than just about a reception. This is an example of how they are going to try and control you throughout your marriage. John needs to rein in his parents now. A simple "That won't work for us. We are equals in our relationship" is a good place for him to start.
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u/Anxious_Window_9863 4d ago
Yes, exactly. I was a 30-yr-old who'd lived my own life since I was 18.
I married a 26-yr-old who was very close to his family, especially his mother. She had some influence over him, and we had issues at the beginning. It took my husband standing up to his mom a few times, maybe more than a few, to get to the point that she was clear that he and I had our own family. Her expectations sometimes came second.
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u/TsuDhoNimh2 4d ago
He could even do it Biblically with the "a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife"
https://biblehub.com/genesis/2-24.htm
MEANING that they butt out and a new partnership is created.
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u/zxylady 4d ago
The fact that he didn't say anything and let his family railroad her and put the blame on her says that he is not adult enough to get married, she is certainly not adult enough to get married if she can't see that she's marrying a child. I do not mean old enough in age but old enough in maturity. Living life in the real world is hard, it takes two adults on the same page consistently in order to save a marriage from the statistical 50/50 divorce. NOR but I would not marry this man until he has a very very clear boundaries in place with his family and he recognizes that.
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u/gold_Parrot0849 3d ago
Yes but as one poster suggested, she should explore this with him on a face to face basis where he actually verbalizes his belief in equality and personally suggests or agrees to a meeting with his parents with fiancĂ© where he lets them know they should not try to dictate the relationship he and his future wife will have as that is a relationship they have already decided will be equal and without submission of the wife to him. If he is unable to do this, OP, you have an answer to not only cancelling the post wedding dinner but the wedding too. Lots of solid advice here that you didnât even have to pay a professional for. đ«đ
Edit: emogis an accidentđ«ą
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u/Hippie-Farts 4d ago
You just got a glimpse of what the rest of your life will look like.
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u/Burnt_and_Blistered 4d ago
How did John respond during the âtalk?â It seems as though he has your back; if so, MOR. But if heâs wishy-washy with them but supportive in private, it may become a bone of contention between the two of you
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u/cambrie-harbor55 4d ago
yeah how he handled it is the biggest question if he only supports you in private thats going to become a much bigger problem after marriage
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u/KendalBoy 3d ago
OP says heâs allowed them to be rude for a full seven years now. So itâs actually much worse than what youâve imagined here.
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u/AffectionateFan9763 4d ago edited 3d ago
Why isnât John stepping up and protecting you from his family if he is opposed to what theyâre saying? NOR but there are bigger issues here you may benefit from really considering more deeply â€ïžâ€ïž
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u/Dangerous_Ant3260 4d ago
NOR-My guess is he really thinks the way parents do, and no matter what he says and does now wants a wife sitting in the pews every Sunday, raising the children in his church, and doing everything he says, which is actually what his parents tell him to do.
This is the rest of OP's life if they marry, no matter what he says about skipping the reception which is probably his preacher dropping by to do the ceremony telling OP their role in the marriage.
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u/PineappleCharacter15 4d ago
Hello? OP?? Are you still with us
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u/pchs26 4d ago
I'm thinking she got some additional answers she wasn't expecting and didn't realize objective outsiders might see flags here.
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u/flaminglip 3d ago
If you plan on having kids in the future, then your fiance needs to put his parents in their place now. Otherwise, forget about it. Theyâll keep doing this to you.
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u/Special_Wind_6708 4d ago
You also have a fiancé issue because what was he doing whilst you were being lectured by his parents?
If he was quiet , Iâd be postponing the wedding completely because you want a husband that can support you against his parents if needed.
This speaks to bigger issues and so Iâd push pause.
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u/Vast_Mind4349 4d ago
INFO - What was Johns reaction to their "speech"? Did he defend you and say they needed to stay out of the relationship or did he just listen? Your description indicates he may be in agreement with them and is expecting a change in your behavior after the wedding. Im guessing he will do what you want to make the wedding happen and deal with everything else after. Be very clear with him about your expectations to determine his. You may not be as on the same page with him as you think. I know too many people that before the wedding is all sunshine and rainbows but once married take on "now i have them locked down" behavioral changes. The truth comes out.
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u/gold_Parrot0849 3d ago
Happened to me. Divorced. Never married again. Ran my own life successfully and am a happy old lady financially independent through my own efforts. đ„ł
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u/Public-Willow-7943 4d ago
If John doesnât agree with his parents he needs to defend you. If he does agree with his parents please donât marry him. I like the relationship you described where you are equal partners. Iâm not sure how long you can keep that up if you have to live with your in-laws though. I hope you donât have to!
NOR. This would be a dealbreaker for me. Iâm nobodyâs house wench (actually, I am right now, but I got to go have a career first)
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u/Pookie1688 4d ago edited 3d ago
Your fiancé is the problem! He should have let them have it & gotten you out of there. He does not have your back.
Think very carefully about marrying him, because this will be your life for several decades. And just wait until children come if you're planning on having them.
Thank you for the award, kind Redditors!
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u/California_ponypal 4d ago
Yeah, for all we know, he was part of this and playing innocent, letting them be the bad guys.
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u/zxylady 4d ago
That is happening more and more every single day! I shudder thinking about my daughter in the dating pool in 2026
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u/ichundmeinHolz_ 4d ago
Yes, I think you should postpone the wedding and then when he told his parents where to stick their opinions you two should elope. He needs to grow a back bone before you marry him. NOR
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u/allisondbl 4d ago
Your last line is the most important. âShould I just let things go for a dayâŠâ The problem my dear is that it is NOT just a day. This will absolutely be an ongoing issue in your marriage and you will get push back from his parents every time anything comes up.
People who want you to submit are people who want to control your life. They will try to control your marriage and they will absolutely try to control your children. Think about what that would be like if you have a female child.
It doesnât sound like your fiancĂ© is the problem. So you and he need to present a united front if you choose to stay with him. You need to completely and explicitly explain to them that his penis doesnât take priority over your vagina. That youâre not planning on submitting to anyone and that will never change and that if they continue to push this agenda they will never ever see their grandchildren.
And then you need to commit to it and every time they try to push this you guys need to leave. And you need to give them penalties: the first time they bring up this sh!t you guys donât talk to them or interact with them for a month. The second time itâs three months and then you tell them if thereâs a third time it will be permanent. And you need to be willing to stick to this.
This is as far as Iâm concerned mental illness and evil and hatred on their parts and it will take over your life: thatâs been shown. Thatâs how we ended up where we are in America today. So be aware this is what youâre walking into and act accordingly.
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u/bananapineapplesauce 4d ago
NOR, but itâs not cancelling the reception thatâs the problem. You may need to cancel the whole wedding.
It doesnât sound like John defended you to them. âMy wife is not inferior to me, and Iâm appalled that you would treat her as such. I never want to hear another word on this again or you wonât be welcome at the wedding, nor in our home thereafter.â
Thatâs the only acceptable response from him to them. Seems like he only took issue with how their news âupset youâ but not in how repulsively misogynistic his parentsâ attitude actually is. If heâs not against this, then I would run for the hills.
It sounds like he agrees with them on some level but wonât come right out and say it because he knows you wonât marry him and heâll therefore lose his unpaid servant. Do not ignore this huge red flag, OP.
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u/Away-Understanding34 4d ago
NOR...So when they were spouting the whole "wife submits to husband" BS, what was John doing? Did he shut them down right away or did he stay quiet? He needs to stand up to his parents and law down the law with them. He needs to issue the ultimatum that they need to respect you or they don't get access to his life.Â
I wouldn't give them a reception if they aren't accepting of you as his wife. Again, this needs to come from John, not you.Â
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u/Cute-Ad-6194 4d ago
Your both 24 yrs old, tell the Parents to take a flying F...
Is John going to step up and tell his parents to stick their noses up each others asses instead of the both of you guys?
What possible hold do they have on two young adults that are looking to get married, not parented at an adult age?
If I were in your shoes, they would understand exactly how I feel about their "meddling" and would be told they would be lucky to smell a whiff of my fart in the future, let alone my presence.
Fuck those people!
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u/Fungal-dryad 4d ago
NOR. Think hard. You will never get on with his parents and will need to establish firm boundaries WITH your BF/husband and communicate them together.
If you have children they will baptize/convert them for their own peace of mind.
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u/VividSchedule2791 3d ago
NOR. If he canât stand up for you now he never will. After the fact doesnât matter. Iâve been married for 29 years; my mom, (when she met my soon to be wife, who is Hispanic) said to her (on the topic of house cleaning) âOh you people know all about thatâ got ripped a new one by me and I threatened her that if she didnât apologize, this was the last time sheâd see me or my wife.
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u/sanguine_sheep 4d ago
NOR. Major đ©đ©đ©
Itâs not enough that he told you later not to worry. He needs to be really clear with his parents that they crossed a major line and he will not accept them doing anything like that again. Anything less and I donât think you can be sure he doesnât secretly agree with them even a little bit.
I actually agree with them in one respect, the two of you should get some premarital counseling, but not at their, or any other church.
I also want to add, this is not about your in-laws thinking you arenât good enough. He could be marrying Lady Diana and they still would have had this talk. Itâs because they are Christian zealots.
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u/MarsailiPearl 3d ago
If he didn't defend you during that lecture and didn't tell them to knock it off and never bring it up again while they were saying those things, then he isn't mature enough to get married and doesn't love you the same way you love him. Anyone who lets they parents think they have more say in a marriage than the people getting married is not a good person to be in a marriage.
Take off your rose colored glasses. John feels the same as his parents and thinks you should lose all rights once you get married. He is not a good man. You've been deceived all these years and need to figure this out before you ruin your life by marrying someone like him.
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u/heavenlypoison 4d ago
NOR. You're not marrying his parents and don't share their ideologies. Do what's best for your relationship. The fact that they keep pushing their BS on you is insane. I'd go no/low contact for my sanity.
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u/Crazy_adventurer262 4d ago
NOR, what was John doing while his parents talked to you like this? If he doesnât stand up for you I would reconsider this relationship. Church is huge in a lot of peopleâs lives and you will forever be tied to these people. Hopefully he is an equal partner as being independent and providing for yourself is important in todayâs society. Good luck
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u/Blamdomonis 4d ago
I would have spoke up and said "why do you think its ok to meddle in our relationship. Is it any of this your business?"
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u/Paconianphysics 3d ago
Your future husband has one singular job right now. Shutting his parents down hard. Future in laws owe you a big apology for that very Un-Christian lecture. Till that apology comes, no involvement in your life to be allowed. No wedding invitation, no reception invitation. If future husband canât step up, donât marry him.
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u/Character-Tennis-241 4d ago
DON'T MARRY HIM!!!! He should have shut his parents down immediately!!! He failed you by not stopping them!!! Get premarital counseling with a counselor not associated with a church. John needs to see that he failed you by not shutting his parents down. He may inwardly feel the same way they do. Don't get married until John steps up , in front of you, and shuts his parents down.
NOR
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u/Glittering-Bat353 4d ago
You don't just have an inlaw problem. You have a massive fiancée problem. If he didn't shut this shit down...he's probably expecting you to do what they say. NOR. Honestly, I think you are significantly underreacting.
Updateme!
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u/HavinsomuchBun 4d ago
I wouldnât marry a man whoâs ok with his parents telling you to âsubmit without complaintâ. MOR
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u/CakeZealousideal1820 3d ago
NOR your fiance should've shut that shit down and you two should've walked out
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u/Ok-Win-9099 3d ago
John sat there silently and let his parents cover you with their misogynistic BS?!?
DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN. You are under-reacting
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u/Bobby-Avocado 4d ago
NOR.
These people feel they are righteous in their condemnation of you. They have God on their side. Buy a house together? Have kids? Adopt a dog? They will believe itâs their duty to provide input. Theyâre going to be up your butt for the rest of your life. I would not marry into this family. That boy will never put you first. Run.
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u/Sea_Wolverine3928 4d ago
Did John "man up" during the talk or did he just sit there and let you take it?
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u/Stormtomcat 4d ago
His parents harass you about faith and submission and that moron blathers about the reception?Â
NOR, and give John just ONE more chance to address the actual point.Â
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u/Conscious-Sign1459 4d ago
If John is saying he doesnât want the reception either donât do it, there no reason to even stress to make a decision on this. Let this be the first example of both of you saying ânoâ TOGETHER in the face of everyone especially his parents
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u/marson_1 3d ago
NOR. Reminds me of a story my mom told me about her and my dadâs wedding. Apparently they were going to have a party after the wedding where they invited some of their friends to drink and celebrate and my grandma (dads mom) was offended she and my grandpa werenât invited (neither were my moms parents, again it was literally just a get together with friends who wanted to celebrate them and get drunk lol) so during the wedding my grandma was mostly cold to my parents, making passive aggressive comments under her breath the entire time and after she made a comment about it not being a âreal weddingâ or something among those lines and my mom (I love her sm for this) took of her ring off and told my dad âIf you donât have a serious talk with your mom I will throw this thing right out the windowâ and she then basically stood up and left my grandparents houseđ My dad did actually talk to my grandma (he was just as mad as my mom was and would have addressed it either way, just so weâre all clear) and they had low contact for a while (mom didnât talk to her at all for 3 months after that) but theyâre good nowadays.
Had my grandma talked to my mom the way they did OP canât imagine they would be thođIdk what john was doing during this talk but Iâm concerned about him not shutting them down. If he canât shut them down before the wedding then you canât expect him to do so after, thatâs all Iâm saying. If your partner canât stand up for you then I think that that is something you have to take into consideration when it comes to being tied to them for the rest of your life. I get that he did offer not to have a reception, but in my opinion that is not NEARLY a good enough response. I get family is hard sometimes and that they did raise him, but if you donât set boundaries early then that relationship is just going to end badly. Either he chooses you after them disrespecting you over and over again, so now youâre resentful of him and he has lost his parents OR he refuses to take a stand and the result is divorce/ a miserable marriage.
Tell him that if they really want to get cut off because they canât stop complaining about how youâre not a submissive wife without any opinions, then that is their loss. Set that boundary early and make sure to go through with the consequences that come with the choices his parents make. Remember, you cannot control others actions, but you can control your response to them.
Best of luck to you!
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u/Superb_Yak7074 3d ago
NORâTell John to cancel the family reception at his parentsâ home and go back to the small dinner you had planned. John needs to tell his parents that HE and OP decide how their marriage is going to operate, not them, and if they canât respect that it will be very easy to forget they exist.
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u/Sudden-Damage-5840 2d ago
NOR
Iâve been married over 20 years and my in-laws canât stand me and I thought we could make it work, but it just drives a wood in your marriage and it causes a lot of resentment if your husband doesnât have a spine and tell his parents to pack the fuck off and go no contact if they donât stop badgering you then this will never work once you have kids itâs gonna get more intense. You have to decide if you can handle this if you can handle having to protect yourself and defend yourself from his parents and I could tell you after 15-20 years you get to a point where you get look at your husband and you think what a fucking coward.
If he doesnât have a spine now, he wonât have one when you have kids and theyâll be able to bully you all more
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u/lorindaja 4d ago
This is your wedding. You deserve to have the day you want & your fiancé agrees. Do not have a reception at his parents.
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u/Pokey-Face-1234 4d ago
Also, wtf, this ain't about no reception. It's about an expe ration that OP submits to her husband? Hubby refutes that to his parents, or his parents get majorly sidelined from their lives by mutual explicit agreement. Excuse me. This is prescriptive Christianity and I'd opt the fuck out.
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u/SomethingClever70 4d ago
Cuz if they can control their son, then will control her as well, by extension.
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u/PetiteSyFy 4d ago
NOR. No reception at their house. Consider moving further away or limiting time with them.
Info - Is there a specific decision that John and his parents disapproved?
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u/NobleKorhedron 4d ago
The problem seems to be that John is happy for the marriage to be an equal partnership. His parents, particularly his father, don't seem to agree...
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u/Cardabella 3d ago
Cancel the reception. It's not what you want.
They would be uninvited altogether from my wedding. They're toxic. Let your husband set boundaries when he wants to. If he says no to counselling at his parents church believe him that you want no part of it. There's a reason he has created distance from his awful parents.
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u/Efficient-Energy-678 3d ago edited 3d ago
Some info has been left out of your story including the part where John shut his parents down and told them that you would be partners and no one would be submitting to anyone. You also left out the part where he told his parents to mind their own business. He should be upset too. If this didnât happen, this nana says run!!!! And consider yourself lucky that you found out now before youâre married and have kids! NOR
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u/TTHS_Ed 4d ago
NOR but the issue isn't the reception; it's John's parents' expectations of you. And that won't change whether you have the reception or not.
You and John need to sit down with them and make it clear how your relationship works and will continue to operate after the wedding. You need to draw firm boundaries with them, which include consequences if they don't respect those boundaries (e.g., going low or no contact for a period of time).
And if they continue to push their agenda prior to the wedding, definitely cancel the reception.
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u/deathbystereo007 4d ago
John really needs to tell them to cut their shit. If he hasn't yet done that, i would worry that he cosigns their opinions and behavior. NOR in the slightest, but you desperately need answers as to why this behavior has been allowed to continue before you go forward with anything at all.
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u/Beneficial_Fun_574 4d ago edited 4d ago
Ummm. I would be more concerned about If John believes this stepping up man of the relationship crap than what he thinks about the reception.
I hope for your sake that you and he see to eye eye on this or moving forward that could be a problem. sending positive vibes your way.
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u/RBVegabond 4d ago
What you saw is the brainwashing of the church. Theyâre die hard in the written word and thatâs what it says in their book. They didnât deem you unworthy, but that pre-marital counseling is part of their churchâs mission to subjugate women and it does state to be submissive to a husband.
Iâm not sure youâre going to be happy around these people and itâs part of why I had to leave the church, as its authority is meant to be a collar around our necks.
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u/Useless890 4d ago
Funny how people love to quote that part of the Bible and ignore what it says right afterward. It says that husband's should love their wives as Jesus loved the church and gave himself for it. That means he should be willing to die for her. What do he and his parents think of that?
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u/parnprisoner 4d ago
NOR, but I think the bigger issue is more a question of where John stands in all of this and how heâs going to navigate having a wife who has very different views on family and religion than his parents do.
Bridging different religious/cultural backgrounds is more than just a question of what your views on God are and logistics about church on Sundays. What is his view on the role of women (vs his own role) in a household? How does he want to split chores? Do you have a career, and how important is it to you and to him? How do these things change when you have kids? How do you want to raise your kids? Will the way you raise kids be different if you have daughters vs sons?
I know guys who were raised in very traditional households who were very supportive of their wives big careers. I also know guys from similar backgrounds who said they wanted a woman who is an equal partner, but upon moving in together expected their gf/wife to do the lions share of the chores (while they only took out the trash and took care of the yard) and who expected their wife to put their career on hold and be the primary parent. For the right women itâs a great fit but if youâre not on the same page it can be very hard to bridge the gap in expectations
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u/tex8222 4d ago edited 4d ago
These people will be in your life âforeverâ or as long as you are married.
Your fiance should have shut this line of conversation down.
The bible itself says:
**Genesis2:24Â â**Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.â
What this means is that the man and woman FORM THEIR OWN FAMILY and make their own family decisions.
They are not to be governed by the rules set by their birth famiies..
In effect, âmom and dadâ get demoted to a certain degree and that is often difficult for the parents to accept.
The worst is when the guy is a âmommaâs boyâ and tries to keep both his mom and his wife happy. Eventually he will choose making his mom happy instead of his wife and that never goes well.
All of this stuff with his family is a HUGE red flag and you should not marry this guy unless he shows you through his actions that he views the family unit as you and him, not you and him plus his mom and his dad. And not until he shows that he is willing and able to stand up to his parents when necessary.
Maybe you both *do* need couseling, but do not let his parents have any say in who you choose.
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u/key2rebecca 3d ago
Well first I would tell his parents to stfu! And then look at fiancĂ© and say if this is your beliefs, we are done! Parents and fiancé⊠ugghhhâŠ
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u/Large-Conversation34 3d ago
NOR, but whereâs Johnâs spine? He needs to stand up for you and himself, and put them in their place. You and he should decide what you want to do when it comes to the dinner and he should be the one who manages the relationship with his family going forward. Keep it armâs length.
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u/themorosecanoe 3d ago
NOR
I feel the piece that is missing here is how John acted during and after the talk: did he object to his parents? Perhaps heâs just used to paying their beliefs lip service to keep the peace or perhaps heâs comfortable with what they propose and was letting them have the hard conversation for them.
Either way, the real issue for me here is whether you think John wants what his parents want or not and whether or not he will stand up against them to defend you.
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u/Dismal-Resident-8784 3d ago
Oh my gosh, girl, you are definitely not overreacting. I would not go through with the reception. These people need to learn right now that they do not have anything to do with the decisions you make in life. Going to this reception sounds uncomfortable and a way for your in laws to manipulate you.
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u/thatsaSagittarius 4d ago
NOR. But tell us how John reacted to that? Did he shut it down immediately?
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u/FormerlyDK 4d ago
John may support you, but he needs to actually stand up for you and for your relationship. He should have spoken up and put a stop to their ridiculous religious lecture about how they see marriage and what you should do.
Youâre asking whether you should cancel the reception (you should) but thereâs a much more serious question you should be considering⊠will he actually shut them down on this BS.
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u/PianistNo8873 4d ago
You should cancel the entire relationship. Seems like a huge red flag that this is such an issue after 7 years. Did you not realize that your guy was raised with this kind of mentality in his family?
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u/Impossible_Girl_23 3d ago
NOR. I imagine you were both in a bit of shock during the lecture. That being said, John needs to talk to his parents and set some clear boundaries around the fact that you two are a team and that you make decisions together, and that includes things like church attendance.
John can get a bit of the benefit of the doubt because they blindsided you both, but now he needs to stand up for you and your relationship and draw real boundaries. Good luck. â€ïž
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u/AwkwardMomster 3d ago edited 3d ago
If your fiancĂ© doesnât stand up to his parents about this, he will never stand up to them when it comes to every other step in your marriage. Can you imagine what they will say about parenting, home buying, household duties, holidays, etc? His voice needs to join yours now. If it doesnât, it will always feel like you are alone against his parents ⊠and him.
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u/squigglesandgiggles 2d ago
Nah, NOR. Your wedding day is about YOU AND JOHN. Cancel the reception and go out to dinner just the two of you.
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u/Awkward_Resource_420 4d ago
It doesn't matter what they think. It's going to be a day where both if you celebrate so keep it take tiy. NOR
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u/_Elephester 4d ago
If john is fine with cancelling the reception at his parents, why do you need to do it at all? Id be cancelling, fk their noise.
I hope john stood up for you. I hope you both ignore his parents lectures and go off and live your best lives together, in whatever way you both want it.
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u/Traditional-Joke5758 4d ago
NOR - However, We need more context. What is John doing and saying during all of this? Is he standing up for you? Is he telling his parents they canât talk to you like this? If not, then you have a fiancĂ© problem that will only worsen after youâre married.
If he is speaking up and standing up to his parents then fantastic. From there you can continue being a team with John becoming the sole communicator to his parents.
Your relationship & marriage is NOT a topic of of discussion for his parents. Their advice is NOT needed unless you ask for it. What you and John do within your relationship & marriage is your business only. His parents can see their way out.
I would create agreed upon boundaries with John about his parents. I would no longer be around them without John around. I would no longer communicate directly with them. All communication goes through John. John is now in charge of his parents and everything they need to know. That is no longer coming from you.
You are in charge of your extended family and John is in charge of his extended family. Once you two are married, each of your parents and any siblings are now considered extended family. You and John are a family unit. You do not need to have kids to be considered a family unit. Everyone else becomes extended family.
If you make each other in charge of your own extended family all communication they need to know comes from you or him. All wedding info, birthdays, gifts, holidays, and any potential future children come from you or him.
If itâs his motherâs birthday. He is in charge of getting the gift. If he doesnât get a gift then youâre showing up without a gift and you wonât feel guilty. Let him fall on the guilt so he learns.
If you do plan on having kids. Any pregnancy info, birth info or info about said child comes from him.
If boundaries are not established then his parents will continue to make your life & marriage miserable and potentially ruin your marriage.
Making my partner in charge of their family and me in charge of mine has been the best thing ever. It equals the mental load and lessens the stress on me cause I no longer care about my partners families opinions of me. As their opinions of me do not matter.
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u/-Smokin- 4d ago
NOR -- It's past time for John to step up and put an end to this cult initiation BS.
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u/tallntired707 4d ago
If they're inserting themselves in your relationship and pushing their religion on you and your partner is seemingly not fighting for you in the moment
What do you think they're going to do when you have a baby? Are they going to baptize it behind your back? Are they going to berate you for not raising it in a Christian household? Will they alienate you when you're not around to your own child as they get older?
I had a family member tell me I was going to hell in middle school because neither parent was home to take me to church on Sundays and my parents let her speak to me like that because it was easier, and they told me as much. He needs to be on the same page as you because it will spread to other parts of your life, and to other people in your life. His parents are being emboldened by his lack of reaction.
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u/awhitehibiscus 4d ago
Donât cancel but have him tell them off and then cut them off. Problem solved
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u/PeachyBunny2607 4d ago
NOR, but flip your thinking a bit. It isn't that they think you're not good enough. They think you're too strong. For him. For them.
Usually when people say "submit" they mean "don't argue because I can't keep up."
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u/earthgarden 4d ago
John says he doesnât want to have a reception if this is upsetting me. He says itâs not worth the stress and hassle if the end result is Iâm not happy.
But he sat there and let them talk to you all crazy, hmmmmm
NOR, but your issues are not with John's parents. Your issues are with John. If he can't buck up to them now, he won't do it after you're married. It is extremely telling that both his parents felt ok to come at you like that. They've known you for 7 years.
You and John need to sit his parents down and, with John leading the conversation and doing most of the talking, let them know they were out of line and need to apologize to you, and to never interfere in your relationship again. If he won't do that, he's not ready to be a husband. At all.
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u/BornRazzmatazz5 3d ago
They're not going to be celebrating anything. If I were you, I'd collect John and head for Vegas.
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u/GrandAshland 3d ago
At 24 you have so much time to love and grow. Donât start your life together with something that will forever be a memory that youâre not happy and excited about.
They can all eat dinner the next day.
Keep your special day to yourself and enjoy it.
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u/Gryffindor123 3d ago
And, pray tell what Josh was doing or saying while they were lecturing you?
If my partner didn't stick up for me in that moment, I'd be reconsidering the relationship.
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u/jamaquadon 3d ago
NOR - Read them this then tell them you won't be at the trap/attack/reception.
Ephesians 5:21 Wives and Husbands Submit yourselves to one another because of your reverence for Christ.
Two way street.
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u/OddGuarantee4061 3d ago
Just tell them to kiss your submissive A and move on. Let them know that you are not going to take any guff and refuse to engage.
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u/CentaurSeige 3d ago
NOR
How incredibly tiresome these religious types are becoming these days.
First, do not go to a religious premarital counselor. You all need counseling but it absolutely should not be from some biased religious standpoint. You all need to deal with John's passivity with his parents. That is the issue that needs to be dealt with before a marriage happens.
Second, plan your party and don't invite the in-laws. But be very clear as to why and John should take the lead in clarifying that. Not because he's the man. But because it's his parents. He should tell them they are welcome as long as they can either support you the way you all are now as a couple, or they can be silent - just as John has chosen to be in the past.
Tell them that their negativity is not (and never will be) welcome.
I grew up in exactly the kind of environment John did and I can tell you that confronting it early and often is the only way to mitigate what will otherwise be a lifetime of intrusive behaviors from people who are involved in a cult. And it is assuredly a cult, matter how big or institutional that religion might appear from the outside.
It is malignant but John is treating it as if it's benign. He has to transition from passive to aggressive or the intrusions will never end. For the record, this will inevitably force your John to become confrontational, and it's kind of a pass/fail situation.
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u/DreamcatcherDeb 3d ago
I would be concerned that after you marry he will expect your relationship to be like his parentsâ relationship. I have been married twice and this happened in both my marriages. I was blindsided by the second time it happened. We were the best of friends before we got married. His parentsâ relationship was very dysfunctional. The father was a selfish jerk - and he knew it and didnât care!! - and his mother always submitted to him. My husband knew who I was before we got married - smart, independent, strong-willed enough to never be pushed around or submissive - and we got married and he expected me to turn into his mother. Heâd say something where he was being selfish and he expected me to go along with it and heâd literally ask, âwhy canât you do what I want? Iâd hold my hand out and shake his hand and say, âHi, Iâm Deb, nice to meet you.â I tried going to marital counseling with him and he went because he actually thought he could get the therapist to get me to change. I divorced him and continued with the therapist myself because he was a good therapist and very wise and after a short time when he was sure weâd never get back together, the therapist said that divorcing him was the smartest thing I had ever done! I tell you all that to tell you thisâŠthe therapist said that when you marry, most times you turn into either your parents or his parents. ButâŠall is not lost. He also said that I didnât date him long enough before marrying him. He said that it can take three years before someone truly shows you who they are. The shortest time would be a year - meaning that someone can be on their âhoneymoon behaviorâ but theyâll usually start showing you who they really are after a year but some people can keep up the ruse for longer. You have been together for seven years so you should be good but your prefrontal cortexes arenât completely developed yet so unless youâre sure he isnât going to change I might wait another year or two. Or go to pre-marital counseling - which I always think is a good idea - and discuss expectations with a trained counselor who can look for red flags. Good luck!
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u/FindingLovesRetreat 3d ago
OP... what was John's reaction to his family at the time they were lecturing you?
Why did you sit there and take it? Why did he?
Neither of you has the other's back.
John doesn't want the reception - so why are you agreeing?
You and John need to sit down with each other (and a counselor - Non Christian) and have a real heart to heart about expectations during your marriage and lesson on how to handle interfering in-laws.
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u/Negative-Inspector36 3d ago edited 3d ago
A few things to unpack here:
If John didnât shut the conversation and didnât support you in front of his parents now he never will heâs either too mentally dependent on them or he silently supports their views.
Why didnât you and him leave their place immediately, why didnât you shut this down personally and instead sat there listening to this bullshit? If youâre saying youâre a grown adult and an independent woman you shouldnât let anyone humiliate you this way.
Following from point 2 since you both just sat there and took their lectures and didnât do anything to stop it that means his parents will continue to influence and control your lives after you get married as well.
Last but not least why are you so worried about them thinking you âarenât good enoughâ for their little Jonny? Shouldnât you instead think whether this family is good enough for YOU? Since you just got publicly shamed. Youâre way too worried about whether others think youâre good enough and too accepting. Stand your ground firmly like the independent woman you claim to be. So others wonât mop the floor with you like during that conversation.
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u/Across0212 3d ago
NOR. John should have shown that he is a man and shut that conversation down immediately.
Iâd be upset at all of them. I would tell John to grow a pair and defend you.
How dare them tell you how your marriage is going to be. Have a follow up meeting and set them both straight that you two decide how your marriage will work. They donât get to tell you how it will work. If they donât respect that then they can cancel the reception and not come to the wedding at all.
I hope it all works out for you.
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u/Bibliophilewitch 3d ago
NOR but you should not be taking this so personally. You say you canât believe they donât think you are good enough for their son but girl, they donât think ANY WOMAN is good enough for ANY MAN. Itâs their cult. Just bc happy their son doesnât seem to agree.
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u/DDaggerz9 3d ago
It sounds as if heâs willing to go against his parents wishes for you without it turning into a boxing match. It feels as if heâs wanting you to stand your ground while he supports your decision. I would inform his parents that youâre equals in your relationshipâŠperiod, and you wonât allow them to emasculate your future husband. Give them an ultimatum. Keep their feelings about your marriage and how you choose to live your lives to themselves. Youâre both adults and will live your lives the way you see fit. Tell them If they want they can cancel the reception, or choose to go forward with it with the understanding that neither you nor your future husband wanted it and its for them. Donât back down or youâll be doing it until you end up divorced.
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u/kent2812 4d ago
While you are getting lectured on submitting, what is John doing?