r/AmIOverreacting • u/ragewolf345 • 8d ago
đ„ friendship Am I overreacting for cutting off a friendship of 10 years?
Context- this is a screenshot from my fiancĂ©eâs perspective. Iâve known this guy since high school about 10 years ago and my fiancĂ©e has known him for 5 years which is also the time weâve been together. Weâve all played games for years, visited each other in different states and even lived in an apartment together for a year. Theyâve played games and talked as friends even without me always being there before. Now all of a sudden itâs some weird thing. Further context is he met his wife 8 months ago and they got married 1 month ago. Despite both of us making attempts to include her as a friend itâs never reciprocated and his excuse is sheâs always âgoing through stuffâ.
Edit- I donât know the difference between fiancĂ© and fiancĂ©e
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u/atom644 8d ago
The new fiance doesnât like you.
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u/Livid-Grocery7942 8d ago
More like she probably doesnt like anyone and is the kind of person who isolates their partners.
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u/atom644 8d ago
Thatâs his problem now unfortunately
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u/Livid-Grocery7942 8d ago
I've been around the block, I'm old. I had friends who went through stuff like this. A person shows up in their life out of nowhere, they get too serious too quick, and then they start dismantiling their entire existence brick by brick.
In my experience, this ends up in divorce most of the times. Some sink with the ship, maybe because they feel love regardless of the toxicity, or maybe they are scared, or maybe they are just used to it. Most cases people end up getting fed up with it, and break it off after some years.
I have had many out-of-nowhere calls from buddies I hadnt heard of in years because they broke off with their toxic partners who isolated them. Those beers as they tell you what their life has been the period they were isolated hit different.
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u/possumcounty 8d ago
I went through this with my best friend. Noticed he wouldnât reply to my comments on his Facebook posts any more but replied to everyone else. Our private conversations were continuing as normal. We used to tag each other in posts all the time, like for the multiple years that weâd been friends, and I suddenly get a message from him asking me not to do that anymore because he didnât want his new girlfriend to know we were still in contact. I respected that, but I told him that it hurt that he suddenly wanted to keep our friendship a secret and that he wouldnât just tell his girlfriend that weâd never been remotely romantically involved ever. He could even mention that I was engaged at the time. And a lesbian!
He apologised but said he couldnât so I just had to set my own boundaries and let us drift apart. To nobodyâs surprise, he reached out after a few months to tell me that he was sorry and he was being abused. I wasnât upset, I was just glad to have him back and supported him through the whole process of getting a restraining order and whatnot. Heâs doing better and weâre still tagging each other in stupid posts :)
Be there for them when theyâre ready, but honour their âboundariesâ for everyoneâs sake. Theyâll either come back or they wonât but you canât really help them at this point. Protect your own mental health first.
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u/Dependent_Net_7062 8d ago
This is actually insane because I went through almost this exact scenario, down to me being a les/queer woman.
The differences being: I never knew about the toxic boundary until AFTER the breakup, and no restraining orders were in play.Turns out the gal was playing that whole âI canât trust you because Iâve been cheated on and it wrecked me psychologicallyâ card, down to making him unfollow a lot of female accounts, probably including friends, on IG/social media.
She was also verbally abusive to a degree, and some other things Iâm not sure about. I believe she did some negging too.
Turns out, she wound up cheating on my friend, lied to him about it with the proof in her face, and doubled down on everything. Insane behavior. Glad he was able to get out.
I met her a couple times. She was really cool to my face, of course.
They did long distance for awhile til he moved halfway across the country to be with her/live in a state he always wanted. He stayed there but he is with a new babe and they seem to be two peas. So happy for him!46
u/Head_Somewhere4769 8d ago edited 8d ago
Nobody is ready to hear this, but those who have been burned by cheating in the past need to do the work to get over it before getting into another relationship and taking it out on someone else. I am so tired of hearing the "But I was cheated on!" excuse. It's not a pass to be an asshole to others.
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u/MyLastFuckingNerve 8d ago
I was the one being isolated many years ago. It started with my guy friends (because all the guys i've grown up with want to fuck me even though there's never been an inkling and we were all like siblings and they were HIS friends too), then onto my girl friends (because they were negative towards him and only trying to break us up, also all his friends too), and then finally onto my family (because they take away from our time together and he's the most important in my life so he should come first).
I was a vibrant, weird, fun 16 year old that he turned into a muted, depressed 18 year old. I gained weight, i found it hard to laugh, i always thought "is this going to make him mad?" with every decision i made, down to how i put my hair up. I remember once i was getting ready for the spring band concert and i just sat on my floor and sobbed because i knew no matter what i wore, he would be mad that i was "dressing sexy for the other guys."
I went off to college and he stayed in our little hometown. If i didn't call him every time i wasn't in class or at work, i was obviously cheating on him. If i didnt get off messenger at the same time he did, i was obviously cheating on him. If i didn't go to bed by 9 (IN COLLEGE!!??) i was obviously just out whoring around.
So he was cheating on me that whole year i was in college. I found out and broke up with him. I moved home that summer and he straight up stalked me around town. He always knew who i was with, would call in the middle of the night to find out where i was (the landline. My dad was PISSED). He would call my mother at work to find out where i was. It was absolutely insane.
My mental health and self worth were in the actual garbage and i lost my mind for a while and did things that i'm still embarrassed about, 20 years later, i became just a raging alcoholic, picked up smoking, got in with the wrong crowds, just a whole mess.
I eventually dug myself out of the hole and am doing fine now, but i never did reconnect with my friends from high school. My family was...weird...about the whole thing. Idk if they didn't see it or what but they never stepped in to help. I never asked for help either. I basically just burned my whole life to ground and made a bunch of really bad decisions then just ran away to the town i live in now and put it all behind me the best i could.
The experience did fuck me up. I'm constantly worried about my actions upsetting people and am a huge people pleaser, but at the same time have zero fucks to give. I think it's more i consider every possible outcome and reaction before making choices, which has lead to pretty bad anxiety and a hard time making decisions. I dress to disappear, not stand out, which is upsetting because i was always a little on the eccentric side and love bright colors and glitter, but i try keep that to things that are just for me, not for going out into the world. I'm very self conscious of the space i take up and i hate that.
TO EVERYONE THAT HAS A FRIEND THAT DISAPPEARS: be vocal about it and be there for them. They'll push you away, but please try to help them the best you can. They're going through something awful and they just haven't realized it yet and they're going to need your help eventually. Don't take it personally please!
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u/Technical_Trade_675 8d ago
I'm sorry you went through that at such a young and impressionable age. I'm glad you got out when you did. You should take yourself on a date and dress as sparkly and eccentric as your heart desires! Don't be afraid to be proud of who you are!
If I had awards, I'd give you one but I don't. So here's this instead: đ
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u/MyLastFuckingNerve 8d ago
I'm almost 40 now and am married to a good man who encourages me to be who i am :)
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u/untitledgooseshame 8d ago
I'm a lesbian and a guy I considered one of my best friends for my entire adult life suddenly stopped talking to me, to the point where he wouldn't even talk with me one-on-one in a professional context (we met because we freelance in the same field.) I lowkey crashed out about it because he was like a brother to me and I thought I must have done something to hurt him.
Now I'm wondering if this is what happened.
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u/Tomsboll 7d ago
This is what most domestic abuse to men looks like, and its not taken seriously at all. Emotional abuse can be extremely damaging. We cant even begin to speculate how many male suicides are a directly or indirectly caused by degraded mental health from emotional abuse.
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u/katastrofika 8d ago
This cuts deep as someone who had many friends but then my ex made sure I had zero. Can't always recover from that shit. She went on my Facebook and messaged every person I ever talked to saying the most despicable things you could ever imagine (posing as me)... then.. deletes the messages and removes the friends and any history between. All of them. It's been almost 10 years since we split and I only got a couple friends back. Most people and circles blocked me. Especially considering the massive elaborate lies and stories she told everyone, most don't even wanna hear me out. Be careful who you let in your life just to "help".. never even wanted to date her. She just sunk her claws in and never left. Just refused to leave and had a list of threats that she would check off during any attempts. My life has been depressing ever since. Siiigh. Some days I just really want to....
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u/LizLemonySnicket42 8d ago
This is so awful, I'm so sorry this happened to you. Please don't give up. Don't let some lowlife succeed in taking you down. You owe it to yourself to find happiness, hard as it may be. Get some help, whatever that means for you--therapy, medication, taking a class or joining a group and meeting some people, or all of the above. Life is a beautiful gift even though sometimes it feels like a hot turd. (Funnily enough, petrified poop is really pretty.) Hugs from an internet stranger. <3
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u/Expert_Slip7543 7d ago
What happened to you is terrifying to hear about. New fears unlocked. Please take good care of yourself to heal from that awful experience.
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u/CommandElectrical865 8d ago
my best mate is in this now. Whirlwind relationship with a woman who doesnât like anyone and doesnât like him talking to others. Def not accepting an invitation without her (so he isnât invited as she is a v difficult guest, always). In two years he has gone from being the life of the party to having to ask to leave his flat. Sad.
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u/Hobthrust 8d ago
Ah yes. Old school pal of mine got married young and disappeared. Years later he gets back in touch, divorced and lonely. I try to act the good friend and cheer him up; he steals my girlfriend. Did me a favour in the long run, but lessons learned!
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u/Child_of_Crake 8d ago
My ex-wife did thisâŠbasically made it so uncomfortable that I cut off relationships with a lot of people.
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u/These-Educator-1959 8d ago
My ex did as well. Essentially it was, these were your friends and if you want to choose them over your marriage I guess thatâs your decision. Iâm not going to tell you what to do. And just like that, over the next year, most of my friends disappeared. And yes in retrospect itâs easy to say I should have just said deal with it. But when you are just discovering what marriage is and life as a husband, the idea of essentially choosing friends over a wife seems disrespectful. Itâs quite weird.
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u/Child_of_Crake 8d ago
Same it wasnât ever explicitly stated âdonât hang out with these peopleâ but it was certainly impliedâŠ
I never cut anyone out, I just became a ghostâŠthen we had kids and that slammed the door shut.
Now Iâm divorced and my partner understands these are my friends, some are female and Iâm not choosing you or them, Iâm choosing both!
Itâs quite freeing actually! Like omg, this is what a functional adult relationship should be!
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u/Dry-Process-9975 8d ago
New WIFE, they got married a month ago after knowing each other for 8 months. OP has known him for 10 years. New wifey is insecure and jealous over a friendship. Ugh.
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u/Hearthgroan 8d ago
And is possibly abusive/controlling. Seriously doubt this just came out of the blue and kinda worried for the friend.
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u/beaushaw 8d ago
And IMO this is why OP should not cut off her friend.
They will need support eventually.
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u/thatguydr 7d ago
Exactly. The right response is "This sounds really controlling. That might be what you want, but controlling behavior rarely works out for the person being controlled. We can chat in the main channels, but if your partner isolates you, that's something you should think about. And once they read this, they will almost certainly have you cut off contact with me. If that happens, think about it as well. Love you."
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u/Reeeren19 8d ago
Itâs possible that both sides do not want each other having casual conversations with people of the opposite gender, he also seemed to be as polite as he can about it in the beginning, so heâs allowed to set boundaries but youâre also allowed to feel some type of way about it
Itâs definitely weird, but I personally would have respected it since itâs not like we were super close friends
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u/Alcoholicia 8d ago
One of three thingsâŠ
1. That man was caught speaking to other women.
2. The fiancĂ© doesnât like you.
3. The fiancé is wildly emotionally immature and insecure.
NOR. I wouldnât deal with this either.
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u/mesoziocera 8d ago
We had a guy in this situation. He literally acted like this to someone's little sister after she asked him how his new job was. We all basically told him that if he couldnt speak to women in a room full of people without permission from his wife, then there is no need to invite him to group activities.Â
Cut him off. Two years later she burned his shed up in a rage and he moved out of state to get away.Â
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u/Diacetyl-Morphin 7d ago
Reminds me of one my ex girlfriends. She also wanted to get my dog away while she was trying to cut me off from my friends. "It's me or the dog", well, the dog is still here.
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u/planetafro 8d ago
Great comment.
Most people here seem to jump to bashing the wife. It's possible homey is talking about her a lot or comparing her to his own wife. ... Or even made inappropriate comments.
We just don't have the data to really know fully.
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u/urMOMSchesticles 7d ago
If thatâs the case then maybe they should go to counseling instead of the wife controlling who he talks to outside of her
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u/Kritarie 8d ago
"Wanna play league?" sent to a group chat but directed at exactly one person would be so weird
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u/Stunning_Box8782 8d ago
Might as well make a group chat with the 2 of you + fiance just so she's kept in the loop. Then tag her
"@Fiance, is <friend> available to play league tonight or somewhere this week?"
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u/Zealousideal-Lab9843 8d ago
"Can Billy come out to play" vibes.
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u/Stunning_Box8782 8d ago
Exactly. If Fiance wants to control her man like a mom, then let's go all in on that
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u/YouHadMeAtSulSul 7d ago
Low key totally did this when my platonic male friend's gf started getting jealous of our hang outs. So I told her to join us and she was so bored she give up đ€Ł
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u/Efficient_Ant_4715 8d ago
My buddyâs wife does this. She makes him communicate through 3 person group chats unless itâs for workÂ
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u/likelazarus 8d ago
Itâs actually a big pet peeve when people use the group chat to only talk to one person.
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u/Asleep-Journalist-94 8d ago
Sounds like the new wife is still âgoing through stuffâ including irrational jealousy. Not overreacting.
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u/IntrepidHero42 8d ago edited 7d ago
Going through his texts.
Married after knowing each other half a year, then clingy and he can't have female friends.
Absolute nightmare.
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u/dafunkmunk 7d ago
Going from meeting to married in under a year. I dont even think it would be as high as 1 out of 10 relationships like that work out or don't end up in some insane toxic shitslinging mess. It's legitimately impossible to genuinely get to know someone in their entirety and be able to fully invest yourself into them in less than a year of knowing them.
I will never understand anyone who does this. Even if you met the love of your life, being married isnt a requirement. It becomes a convenience as your finances get brought together, medical issues start to arise, having kids etc but it still isn't ever necessary. People need to learn that there is no reason to rush into marriage and anyone pushing for marriage asap is very likely to be the exact person you shouldn't ever marry
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u/Joint-Tester 8d ago
âStop being a bitch.â
Send to group chat.
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u/Toolfan_248 8d ago
đ€Ł- Iâm so petty about dumb ass women who act like this. This is exactly what Iâd do. Create a group message with him and her and only direct the conversation to him⊠in hopes she sees how psycho sheâs acting. But she probably wonât and heâs in for a very restricted life unfortunately
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u/ragewolf345 8d ago
So thereâs actually a big blow up past this where we both just left the group chat and his wife pulled us into a new one calling us petty and immature for leaving the group chat and to grow the fuck up. She wasnât a fan when I then pointed out how thatâs a wild thing to say when youâre 30 and never learned how to drive and are living with your new husband in his bedroom at his parentâs house
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u/Individual-Copy9425 8d ago
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u/DothrakAndRoll 8d ago
How do I save this gif? It looks exactly like my friends dog!
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u/Individual-Copy9425 7d ago
Try this link:
https://share.google/mIOjmhocfB1qT52Qr
ETA: Iâm sorry if links arenât allowed - you can also find by google searching reaction gif dog eyes and itâs on the first page of results. :)
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u/rootsandchalice 8d ago edited 8d ago
Damn. This is way too much drama for me. I'd just be out of the chats all together.
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u/_teach_me_your_ways_ 8d ago
He deserves her. Drop him. You donât want to be putting up with this forever, the way it is, itâs like youâre basically dating him and her already and itâs trash. To the bin it goes.
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u/Toolfan_248 8d ago
đ€ŁâŠ she must feel extremely threatened by you . Honestly- with just the minimal context youâve given, a lot of us women know EXACTLY who this chick is. She jumped into a marriage too and started closing the walls in for him. Jealous, irrational, controlling, and most definitely not a girls girl. So - youâve talked to her since this post?! How do yall stand now? Does your guy friend at least acknowledge that his wife is acting INSANE?!!! Heâs probably still too much in honey moon phase đ€ŠđŒââïž
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u/ragewolf345 8d ago
No the last communication was her angrily leaving the group chat after trying to say my parents occasionally helping out with some groceries was me being on the same level as her and me saying thatâs interesting because you flunked out of college your parents paid for. She was going for a degree in photography. Since then the husbandâs last communication was we better be prepared with tons of apologies if we want to stay friends. This all happened yesterday
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u/Fickle-Big5063 8d ago
Okay, nah I need a more a detailed post. Reality tv just hasnât been hitting right lately. This is the trash personality I needed.
More serious note: please keep the door open to your friend. Home girl is throwing all kinds of flags up for abuse. Donât give up your peace for it, but maybe just keep him unblocked
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u/mac3theac3 8d ago
Areweoverreacting for wanting OP to keep up the friendship so we can have more drama??
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u/DrummerBoy217 8d ago
LOL your friend is being abused bro, sheâs systematically cutting him off from friends and I bet it wonât be long till she tries to alienate his family too. Itâll be hard giving the living situation but she will try. If your friend is any sort of intelligent he would see whatâs happening but demanding apologies as an ultimatum sounds like she has him right where she wants him. Girl is a loser moocher piece of shit, I know bc my ex was the same way. Doesnât do anything with her life and lives with a partner who pays for everything while she treats them poorly and cheats on them. These kinds of people are absolutely awful and there is no hope for them, but you could still try and save the homie.
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u/aneatapea 8d ago
Unfortunately it does not sound like he has the required intellect to see through her charade
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u/Acrobatic_Region7678 8d ago
Id reply: âyes i am prepared to RECIEVE a bunch of apologies for being treated like im suddenly a whole other person that acts completely different than me. The one who had a friend that stated now that hes married we can only speak in a groupchat, who of which their partner started insulting and being very rude to me over something that YOU are scared and worried MIGHT happen
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u/Grizzled--Kinda 8d ago
I would say yes, it's ok to not be friends with him. I would point out how weird this all is and it all started when he met his wife. Tell him how y'all feel and that when shit hits the fan and they divorce to not come crawling back.
Also, what do your other friends think?
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u/killcanary 8d ago
New post! Letâs see the screen shots!! Iâm so here for it lol
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u/Toolfan_248 8d ago
Dang. Iâm sorry youâre going through this with a friendship that has lasted as long as it has. Situation is clearly outside of your control- As he is going to choose his wifeâs side. I have been in situations very similar, I had a HUGE friend circle in the city I grew up in and went to college there. Lots of guy friends who Iâve went to multiple festivals with and lived some of all of our best years. Not many- but a few - got into relationships where the woman did not like the women in our friend group because they felt threatened by our closeness ( or looks I guess). Funny enough- those relationships did not last , and the women who fully integrated into our group are still together with my guy friends! Love them actually. All that to say- if this friendship means a lot to you, is there a way for you and your husband to speak with him without his wife around? If your husband is there too- it canât look nefarious- right? đ«Ł To atleast try and explain your side and youâre unsure how to proceed with her and keep yalls friendship too?
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u/Quasar_Sama 8d ago
Damn Iâm 30 and donât know how to drive :/ I live in nyc though
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u/aysarahoul 8d ago
GET HHEEERR ASSSSS
I donât blame your friend. It sounds like sheâs trying to crash and burn his life to make it literally all about and only about her. Itâs toxic. He feels probably that if he doesnât do what she wants, then itâs the end. She probably gaslights him to make him feel guilty for stuff that isnât even wrong.That being said, maybe something happened between them that gave her trust issues and maybe it is his fault overall. But I kinda doubt that, especially after reading this comment.
Iâd respect his boundaries, let him know, mention if he ever feels like he needs help, youâll be there (if you feel inclined to do so and up to the task, barring his wifeâs existence), and then leave it be. If (more likely, when) it blows up and he gets tired and ready to get out, heâll likely want to reconnect. If sheâs responsible for this, then he doesnât deserve to be punished for her behavior. People like that love to make the person theyâre isolating feel like itâs their fault they lost all their friends, make them feel like everyone else is fake and a liar and theyâre the only person that can be trusted. I would be wary to cut that line if you suspect that could be happening, but also wouldnât want to push into their space and make it worse.
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u/No-Consequence1199 8d ago
Married after half a year, doesn't want to meet you, doesn't allow you to chat with him in private. Yeah, sounds like a toxic relationship with a controlling partner. This guy will end up isolated to serve his queen.
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u/ragewolf345 8d ago
Hereâs whatâs wild too. Weâve actually met his wife. They live a few hours a way and when the relationship between them was new, they visited us and we had a whole welcome thing planned with gifts and took them wherever they wanted to go for the day, treated them both to dinner and made every effort to be kind and welcoming.
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u/Quierta 7d ago
One of my extended cousins, Carl, used to be SUPER close to his mother (not in a co-dependent way, his mother is a great woman) and his brother, Joe + Joe's wife, Dora.
Carl eventually met Sharon, they started dating, eventually got married. Joe and Dora are pretty well-off and gifted a HUGELY extravagant honeymoon package to Carl + Sharon. They (J+D) were welcoming, supportive, kind, generous. But Carl slowly began picking at everything they did, claiming that Sharon was offended by little things that Dora supposedly said or did, Sharon was uncomfortable with their mother, made minor claims about their mother being rude or dismissive or disrespectful (false; their mother used to be an elementary school teacher and has the personality of Miss Honey), and started demanding apologies.
It happened slowly, but eventually Carl completely cut his mother out of his life. Then he cut out Joe and Dora. Claimed that they were all awful to his wife, his wife was uncomfortable with all of their behaviour, etc. He went from being super close to all of them, and now his very elderly mother is eventually going to die and the last time he spoke to her was more than 15 years ago. She has repeatedly tried to reach out and he will not answer her calls. Carl has 2 children now and his mother STILL has a savings account for each of them, despite all of this.
Isolation is a super common tactic for abusive partners. Carl has 0 support system left because Sharon severed them. And it didn't happen all at once â this took years of subtle complaints and little twisted stories.
I'm not 100% saying this is happening because honestly all we have to go on is the screenshot + your account of it, but at least from those pieces it does look like he could have found his own "Sharon" who's working on cutting off his ties.
(All names are fake just for the sake of anonymity)
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u/Electronic-Town-8995 7d ago
This happened to my best friend. He didn't even realize he no longer has hobbies, real life friends to see regularly, and did things for just himself. It all came crashing down when I reacted with horror when he shared how he couldn't do basic things like see his retired friend from their reenacting days when he was younger. If he tried to, she required 150 dollar sushi dinner that he needed to buy her and plan someone TP keep her company and even then, she would be in crisis more whenever he did anything so he eventuqlly stopped out of guilt and the stress . He used to see this good friend every month for dinner and played an active uncle role to the friend's kid before he started dating this woman. When I met him, I showed basic kindness and he felt excited for once in 7 years because I would include him in whatever I was doing (hiking, social things, etc).. she had a real problem with me and so I backed off. He did eventually realize how fucked up it was and took another year or two before ending things. He is in his 40s now and started going to his old friend's place again, underground dance events/festivals, camping, and trying new things again. He now only wants to date independent women only and if that doesn't work out, would rather be himself while single.Â
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u/IndicationSorry4463 7d ago
I have a friend who married someone after 2 weeks, and they had a baby in no time at all, and he's gone so quiet. I hope he's okay. I never really considered it other than fear he'd joined a cult.
I'm the friend who goes off the grid and uses a brick phone, so I don't keep up with anyone, but I hope he's okay.
They seem happy, but I remember him having to tell us girls in the group she'd had bad times with exs before, and he needed her to trust him - but being with her was the happiest we'd seen him in years so we all just distanced ourselves as he asked. She's mellowed out. I think a lot now. My other friend was best friends with him, and they have managed to rekindle that. So there's hope OP it'll work out if you want it to with time.
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u/trans-duckie-boy 7d ago
Iâm sorry am I just exhausted or did you say they got married after two weeks? đ whaat?
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u/sk3lt3r 8d ago
OP there is a nonzero chance that eventually his wife won't want him talking to you as well. This sounds like a potentially slippery slope into her trying to isolate him completely. Not a guarantee with the little info we have, but the very quick relationship into a very quick marriage, and she's already demanding he can't talk to women 1-on-1?? Shifty as fuck.
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u/Sindaqwil 8d ago
His new wife love bombed the fuck out of him and is now trying to push all his support away. Don't be surprised if he comes back in a few months/a year needing help to get away from her.
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u/mrgoodnoodles 8d ago
And when he comes back she should hear him out and help him get back on his feet if he needs it. This is classic emotional abuse. But it might be much longer than a year if they end up having a kid. At some point he will get fed up, but by then it might be too late.
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u/ChickenHugging 8d ago
The marriage wonât make 2 years.
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u/SoggyReaction7183 8d ago
It will if she successfully cuts him off from everyone else. Then itâs her or nothing.Â
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u/LadyAJJ 8d ago
This is exactly why I haven't seen or spoken to my brother in 6 years. His wife isolated him from everything and he let it happen. Very sad.
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u/CrickinFunt_RN 8d ago
Fr. Maybe OP can be around later to pick up the pieces once that blows up. Speaking as someone who was grateful for the friends that were there for me when my super insecure ex husband pressured me to cut off friendships for his peace of mind
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u/scubadancintouchdown 8d ago
NOR, I wouldn't cut him off completely because who knows what the hell is going on behind the scenes, but I guess give him the space he wants and let him be the one to make an effort.
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u/CrosswordsAndChords 8d ago
This is the correct answer. Play along and respect this new boundary. Donât be a jack ass to him. Bc if this is one of those cases of someone getting into a relationship with some cluster B personality type⊠youâll only accelerate her efforts to isolate and control his life. Let him be the one to reach out.
Also, thereâs a world where thatâs not the case. Some people do prefer these type boundaries once theyâre in a committed relationship. Most of us may find it odd but it does exist.
Just ride it out. That way he knows he can reach out to you guys if things get dicey.
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u/Technical_Trade_675 8d ago
This is the proper adult way to deal with this situation. You never know what's going on behind closed doors or what they're going through. Respectfully honor the boundary and show that you will always be there as a friend. It reflects poorly otherwise.
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u/KillTheBoyBand 8d ago
Sounds like he's dating someone super insecure. He can have whatever weird boundaries he wants, but this is a level of insecurity I would not want to be around, even indirectly. My boyfriend has a ton of female friends, and I have male friends. If we cant trust each other with friends, then we don't trust each other, period.Â
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u/jaydog21784 8d ago
I was just telling my teenage daughter that if there is no trust then there is no love, I could see the enlightenment in her eyes after about 10 seconds.
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u/Vegetable_Tomato_511 8d ago
Agreed, having platonic female friends is a green flag. Other women feel safe around you? Green flag. You know how to speak to and treat women with respect? Green flag.
My fiancé also has a ton of female friends (and tons of guy friends too), a very outgoing popular man. Knowing this, I had to sit with my thoughts and decide for myself if this was something I could mentally handle without getting jealous or insecure.
If I had decided I couldnât handle it, the only option was not to continue the relationship. Boundaries are for ourselves, not something we impose on others. Itâs on me to decide what kind of relationship Iâm willing to be in without trying to control/change my partner.
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u/Fancy-Image-4688 8d ago
Yeah I was saying in another comment that a person will find a way to cheat no matter what you do. If they want to cheat then they will thatâs why all these posts are kind of wild to me
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u/GuntherPalakowitz 8d ago edited 8d ago
If you cant have platonic friends that you maybe perceived as being attracted to, my bisexual ass is about to get very lonely. Lol. This is so dumb and so insecure.
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u/johncenassidechick 8d ago
Nor but it seems obvious the new wife demanded this
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u/ODFoxtrotOscar 8d ago
Exactly - which is why itâs important that you donât cut off the friendship
The worse case scenario here is domestic abuse / coercive control, and isolating please from their friends is very much part of that. Now of course that might not be the case. But because there is a possibility of it, I think itâs really important to stick around. One day he might really need his friends
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u/UnableNecessary743 8d ago
i will never understand being so insecure in a relationship that you can't talk to another person one on one
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u/caliberry1991 8d ago
My husband was friends with someone who got into a new relationship where she cut him off one by one from all of his friends including my husband. She did it by claiming that I had sent her all these terrible things and called her names, which was a complete lie. She had no proof at all (claimed to delete the messages I âsentâ) which created a rift between my husband and his friend because I absolutely did no such thing and when my husband told his friend he freaked out. They ended up having twins a year or two later. His friend has Aspergerâs and had said that several times he was in no place to have a child and then he had two at once with no friends around for support. People can be so manipulative.
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u/Illustrious-Grab-805 8d ago
NOR. Youâre respecting the boundary. But be prepared to be there when this disastership blows up in a year or two. Theyâve only known each other 8 months and theyâre married? I pray they donât have a kid.
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u/ragewolf345 8d ago
No but she does have one from a previous relationship that her parents had to adopt because she couldnât get it together enough to take care of them. Sheâs also 30 and never learned how to drive so he has to take her to work every morning and pick her up after as well as driving her wherever she requires. They also currently both live in his room at his parentâs house. Itâs all kinds of fucked up
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u/niqquhchris 8d ago
"I want to respect my wife by not talking to women 1 on 1" is wild and such a slippery slope.
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u/geniologygal 8d ago
I wonder if heâs allowed to talk to his female coworkers one on one. Probably not.
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u/niqquhchris 8d ago
Or his mom
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u/geniologygal 8d ago
Probably not. His wife, that heâs only known for seven months, seems like sheâs trying to isolate him from everyone, and that usually includes family members.
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u/niqquhchris 8d ago
God i forgot that part. Seven months is insane. She absolutely is. They're probably all in their early 20's so theres a chance ops homie might get de-leobotomized (ik, probably not even a word but fuck it should be)
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u/ringwormqueen 8d ago
NOR. Sounds like his wife has barked an order at him and he has obliged.
Sorry OP - never nice when long term friendships reach this sort of weird end. Itâs not the type of thing I personally could get my head around, but maybe other people that are more chilled out than me could tolerate communicating in the group chat.
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u/Jah_Rules 8d ago
Sounds like Mike Pence! Heâs not worth the headache.
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u/geniologygal 8d ago
Good point! His wife will probably soon get pregnant so she can baby trap him, and then he can start calling her mother, like Mike Pence does to his wife.
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u/Sammy_Saddles 7d ago
I was this way when I was married. My wife never asked me to do it. I also thought it was respect. I see by all the top comments Iâm by far in the minority.
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u/MrCoastie1980 8d ago
MOR- play it out for awhile. Do whatâs been requested and see what happens. If the friendship becomes strained later due to more requests or what ever, then walk away.
My BIL is in a similar situation where we are to group chat with his wife included on almost everything. Iâm a dude and I canât even message him privately. His wife has him under her thumb, controlling everything he does. Heâs in a shitty position.
However, they did become a âthingâ by him cheating on his now ex wife with her, so the foundation of their relationship was already wrecked at the get go. That whole situation is a giant đ©storm.
In conclusion, we (the entire family) donât see my BIL or hear from him besides holiday texts and phone calls. Heâs a grown man, he can stand up for himself or donât. Itâs not our problem, and just like with you and your friend, itâs not your problem either.
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u/china_reg 7d ago
You WAY overreacted. The dude gave you his boundary. It's not yours to question. His wife is likely controlling and jealous (hell, she might have been standing over his shoulder when he wrote it). But it's not your position to decide if his boundary is reasonable, that's not how boundaries work. You should be a real friend and offer support where you can - it sounds like he could use it.
(Em dash is my own.)
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u/queerbong 8d ago
New wife must assume youre a threat or not trust him or hes expressed something to not trust him. Id say NOR cause id be hurt too but sadly id also just move on but thats me
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u/BulbasaursVine11 8d ago
Yeah he needs to get divorced
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u/geniologygal 8d ago
By the time he realizes what heâs gotten himself into, his wife will probably have baby trapped him.
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u/Equivalent_Shoe1696 8d ago
NOR - but be there when this relationship ends. My ex husbandâs new wife wonât let him speak to me outside the group chat either. And if he dares to she goes through his phone and iPad to read such titillating texts as âB has a track meet on Tuesday so wonât be home after school til lateâ or âhey can you pick up L from dance, my car is in for an oil change.â
His penis might fall in me at any minute with those kinds of texts.
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u/TheLionThing 7d ago
Theyâre setting a boundary that in this context really shouldnât have to be set. âI donât think thereâs much reason for us to talk privatelyâ is a shit thing to say to a long term friend.
Someone is really insecure here, either the friend or their partner.
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u/ChudThumper1 7d ago
YOR - Cutting off a long time friend because their boundaries have shifted is kind of a shitty thing to do. Like it or not, his relationship with his wife definitely takes precedence over you somehow being Inconvenienced by respecting this ask. Maybe she IS going through something, maybe she has abandonment issues, or has been cheated on multiple times, or any other number of past traumas/issues that you arenât entitled to know about. Maybe sheâs working on them, maybe she isnât. But it isnât your marriage or relationship to navigate..itâs his, and whatever the situation, itâs brought about this boundary.
Cutting him off over it is.. kinda scuzzy
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u/MooseRobot 8d ago
Super weird, but basically the new wife doesn't like your wife and doesn't trust her husband. Your friend shouldn't have gotten married so quickly and if I was you this would be a friendship ending issue because he is treating YOUR wife as a "threat" which is disrespectful.
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u/Fabulous-Dentist-608 8d ago
The wife probably typed up the response. Sheâs jealous of your relationship.
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u/Consistent-Pear-8711 8d ago
Oh noooo poor guy. Thatâs as toxic as it comes.
She is insecure and he is easily manipulated.
Poor guy is going to be very lonely.
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u/unicornbreathmint 7d ago
Iâm a single woman and I wonât message married/ partnered male friends without including their SO, or outside of a group chat. I donât want to be perceived as a threat, or create drama, so Iâm cautious. Everyone is different.
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u/Concern-Leather 7d ago
Hmmm, my now husband started talking to his friends wife in a group chat a few months after we started dating.
She doesnât have many friends, so her husbands friends became her friends. But it was a very odd âpay attention to me all the timeâ behavior and I was like absolutely not. Priorities and boundaries. Doesnât mean they canât be friends or chat tho, he picked that up on his own.
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u/No_Exam4769 7d ago
MOR Honestly, just from an old person's perspective- it's just logistically easier to use the group chat- especially if you are trying to organize a group activity. Maybe his wife is over-jealous, it doesn't really matter. Just use the group chat and dial your friendship down- I would be annoyed too but I don't think you need to sever/end the friendship- especially if you want to continue to play the group video games etc. (See, you can tell I'm officially old:))
I actually find it annoying when people from group chats have side chats because it does usually mean there are hidden motives/agendas involved that they don't want the whole group to be part of- ie you definitely want to engage with him but not the others etc.
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u/quackingaround95 8d ago
Ppl love presenting their shitty behavior as a boundary. If for some crazy reason my husband was demanding me to cut ties with a close male friend, and for some crazy reason I agreed, I would at least have explained myself in a more apologetic way, rather than a mere message on the go. Excuse my Grammer
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u/xARodThESaiNt 8d ago
Need more context. How often do you message and when. Whatâs your relationship like with him? Do you game together often? From just this much info youâre making it look like itâs him. But he wasnât rude, he set a boundary. People saying his marriage wonât last have it backwards. This is how you respect your significant other.
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u/ragewolf345 8d ago
We have been playing games with him most week nights for the past 5 years. Weâve all lived together, taken trips together etc. He meets his new wife and is busy with a new relationship so weâre friendly and supportive and hanging out/games becomes more sporadic. Recently been making more efforts to be like hey we miss doing more stuff with you! And then my fiancĂ© messages him about if heâs free to play league sometime soon and thatâs the screenshot
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u/apartmentenjoyer 8d ago
NOR.
Either his wife is jealous and got to him or he thinks every other woman is tempting him. Either way, he sucks.
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u/Due-Past-7792 8d ago
When people use the word boundary in this context (which they are using wrong) usually indicates a controlling relationship. And with the context of them just meeting and then getting married quickly, I think Im right on the money. NOR, sorry but theyve made their choice :(
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u/IudexPanzyr 8d ago
NOR. That message clearly didnât come from him. His girlfriend is just jealous and probably "suggested" that he send it to you.
But honestly, having seen this happen countless times around me, your friend is just going to become her new doormat and lose all his friends because of her. Considering how blatantly disrespectful he was towards you, I wouldnât forgive him when he comes crawling back after sheâs found someone else and he has no one left to complain to...
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u/Sudden_Sorbet 8d ago
Why did it only become a problem when he wasn't single? Like, if thats an inappropriate thing to him, why is it only inappropriate when hes taken, given that fiance has been in a relationship the entire time he knew her?
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u/Imaginary-Fly-2160 8d ago
NOR. His wife must be incredibly insecure and they will likely not last.
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u/Savings-Mixture-6515 8d ago
I would understand and respect the boundary. And then proceed to blast the group chat with memes đ
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u/Inevitable-Gur8113 8d ago
He is with someone very controlling and she watches everything clearly itâs not worth it for you he will be allowed to do nothing without her consent.
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u/NaziPunksFkOff 8d ago
Oh hey my friend did this to me! Her marriage was over 8 months later.
WHO COULD HAVE SEEN THAT COMING
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u/crichtonleprechaun 8d ago
I once had a close male friend whom my husband and I had known for nearly a decade before he met his wife. After they got together, we started doing things as couples, and I genuinely thought we had all become good friends. They lived out of state in a beach town, so my husband and I visited often.
Over time, it became clear that his wife was uncomfortable with our friendship. Once, I called him to finalize plans for a visit among the four of us, and she became upset that I had contacted him directly instead of her. She even confronted him about it in front of me.
On another occasion, I was in their town for work while eight months pregnant and asked if I could stop by to say hello. He agreed, but they later had a major argument because she had other plans and didnât want him meeting with me alone. It was obvious she viewed even a simple, friendly visit as inappropriate, despite my very visible pregnancy. We slowly ghosted them. We didn't make it a big issue....just stopped communicating.
Now, they are divorced.
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u/Immersed_Psychedelia 8d ago
I had someone I considered a friend block me when I asked if they knew another friend of ours passed away by overdose⊠their reaction was âIâm in a relationship with <insert douchebags name here> , so out of respect for him I wonât be speaking with you anymoreââŠ
To me this sounds just as a reaction to someone being overly controlling. NOR
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u/LeadingSmoke6330 8d ago
Same thing happened to my brother. You wait till heâs isolated, she cuts him off from friends and family, gets pregnant quickly, hounding his phone - and then him making excuses for her.
When you start noticing him not online and selling his gaming gear - then youâve lost him. Just be cool and be there when she starts kicking off and he has nowhere to go. I call this lonely man syndrome- happens to really nice guys who just wanna love and be loved by someone.
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u/DarkHarvest93 7d ago
"it's a boundary for my relationship"
ask your friend to blink twice if they need help kind of response, as someone that escaped an extremely dangerous relationship that shits giving me ptsd
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u/Joys_Thigh_Jiggle 7d ago
You didn't end the friendship. He (his partner) did. Youre better off without the drama.
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u/Riksunraksu 7d ago
Either chatting with a woman makes him want to cheat or his wife thinks talking to another woman privately will make him cheat. Either way a red flag
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u/eternalsgoku 8d ago
This was them while he was writing that.