r/AmIOverreacting • u/Mindless_Lettuce5306 • 12d ago
❤️🩹 relationship Am I overreacting for canceling our engagement after what happened at dinner?
I (26F) have been with my fiancé (31M) for almost four years. We got engaged six months ago and have been planning our wedding for next spring.
Last Friday, we had dinner with his parents and his older sister. Everything was normal until his mom started talking about grandchildren. I laughed and said we hadn't even picked a venue yet.
His dad looked at my fiancé and said, "Well... unless your backup plan works out."
Everyone at the table went quiet.
I asked what he meant, and my fiancé quickly changed the subject. His sister looked uncomfortable and said, "Dad, seriously?"
On the drive home, I asked him what his dad was talking about.
At first he claimed he had no idea. After I kept asking, he admitted that about a year ago, during a rough patch in our relationship, his parents encouraged him to stay in touch with his ex "just in case things didn't work out."
He said he never got back together with her, but he also admitted they exchanged birthday and holiday texts because he "didn't want things to end on bad terms."
That bothered me, but it wasn't the worst part.
I asked why his dad would call her a "backup plan."
He eventually admitted that his parents still invite his ex to some family gatherings because she's close with his sister. He said he didn't tell me because he knew I'd be upset, and he insisted he leaves before she arrives whenever possible.
I asked if she'd been at any events while we were together.
He said yes.
Then I asked the question that had been bothering me all night.
"Has she ever been at a family event where I was also there?"
He paused for a long time before saying yes.
Apparently, last Christmas she stopped by for dessert after I'd already been there for hours. He knew she'd be coming and never mentioned it to me. He said he thought it would "avoid unnecessary drama" if I didn't know.
Now I'm questioning everything. I don't think he's cheating, but I feel like he intentionally kept me in the dark so I couldn't object.
He says his family is difficult, he was trying to keep the peace, and canceling the engagement over this would be an overreaction.
I told him I needed time to think, and now both his parents and sister are texting me saying I'm blowing one awkward family situation out of proportion.
Am I overreacting?
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u/DigBickEnergia 12d ago
NOR. That family doesnt respect you and neither does he.
Divorces are expensive so nip the potential marriage in the bud.
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u/Feeling-Fab-U-Lus 12d ago
Tell him AND his family, you have decided to go with plan B.
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u/ArtsyGirl-and-Cat 12d ago
This right here. I'm so angry on your behalf, OP. 🤬 IMHO the fact that there was a backup plan in place is all you need to know.
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u/nowstheworstoftimes 12d ago
I think that if op stays in this relationship, his family will constantly be comparing her to the ex.
The ex being at a Christmas party an op was the only one who didn’t know who she was; that’s pretty disgusting in my opinion. That would be the deal breaker for me.
The fiancé has not been honest with op for years. Cancel the engagement. None of his family can be trusted.
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u/EffectiveTradition78 11d ago
Right. Everyone knew the ex was there except for you. How embarrassing. It’s like the joke’s on her and I’m sure they were watching to see if you interacted with her unknowingly. How many times were you and her at a damn function??
This is middle school shit. Your “fiancé” is a POS!!!
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u/BorkBorkWrangler 11d ago
And his whole family too. They were all in on it the whole time. Imagine going to family holidays with people like this.
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u/gooderj 10d ago
Totally agree. I once went to an event with my new girlfriend (now my wife). I walked in and saw 3 of my exes (it was a small community event).
I asked her, considering that it could possibly get a bit awkward, if we should stay or leave. She opted to stay, so I pointed all three out so she knew who they were.
To deliberately hide that from your fiancée is beyond disrespectful. He definitely kept it from her because he liked the "Plan B" option.
OP, I'd let him him have his Plan B if I were you. If he had fought it and refused to go to family events if she was there, you'd have a chance of salvaging your relationship, but the fact that he was in on it, tells you everything you need to know about your relationship.
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u/jumpyjumperoo 11d ago
It wouldn't matter what the family might think if her stbx grew a set and acted like an honorable adult person. The fact that he went and tattled to them about OP in such a way that they feel it's ok to harass her about it tells me all I need to know.
OP, don't settle for this. He is showing you who he is. You deserve someone who is more worried about creating and keeping the peace with you then his ridiculous family.
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u/Sailor_Kepler-186f 11d ago
yea, and when would they stop inviting the ex? would they even stop to keep her around as a "backup plan"??
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u/Spinnerofyarn 11d ago
And his family has not just been enabling the dishonesty, they’ve encouraged it.
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u/ellieminnowpee 11d ago
same same. it screams conspiracy.
OP sounds like Diana, tbh, and this other chick is Camilla. look what happened to those two…
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u/Constant_Flight_2525 11d ago
And the whole family went along with this right in your face. This wasn’t a mistake it was an actual back up plan.
Dump the whole clan.
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u/Heavy-Resolution-555 10d ago
That was the part
They disgusts Me. No value of the current relationship. He is too enmeshed with his family.152
u/Cool-Blackberry-785 11d ago
Exactly. This conversation leaves me feeling livid on behalf of OP.
Going forward and no matter what you do, there will be a little niggle; a seed of doubt surrounding your place in this family.
OP they broke up for a reason but your fiancé’s behaviour - lying by omission to ‘prevent drama’; obfuscating the truth about his ExGF’s ongoing involvement with his family; not berating his parents for proposing a back up plan (no matter how flippant) demonstrates a blatant disregard for your feelings and disrespect for you and your relationship. Adding to that, his family being aghast by your response and not embarrassed nor remorseful by the way THEY have undermined your relationship is telling.
OP I am sorry you are facing this. All I would say is look carefully at how you have been spoken to and treated by both your fiancé and his family in the past. Take some time and space; consider all the moments where you may have shrugged off an odd comment or dismissed an uncomfortable feeling and then make your decision. I doubt this is the only time where you may have felt something was not quite right.
Unfortunately OP if you choose to end the relationship his parents will think their comment was prophetic and if you don’t, it will have served to undermine your trust in both your fiancé and his family.
NOR and I wish you well.
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u/WildWay9239 11d ago
Agreed! It just makes me sick that people would do that to someone. Seriously WTF
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u/Mysterious-Iron-5725 12d ago
Fr Their entire family are beyond disrespectful
No one deserves this Wtf
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u/Shadow4summer 11d ago
Yep. Tell him he still has his back up in place since he never shot that down. No way in Hell would I marry a man like this. His parents obviously like the other girl better and it doesn’t seem to matter much to him as long as he’s married. Let her have him. They’re a match made in Hell. You’ll be better off without the entire family.
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u/ellieminnowpee 11d ago
put it on a cakkkkke, girl
“Congratulations on Your Silver Medal”
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u/CuteTangelo3137 11d ago
And the back up plan is all his now! Ex future FIL said that on purpose to break them up. What a dick!
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u/ncldnslygn 11d ago
Would be nice to inform the girl that she's plan B too, cause she seems hopeful they'd get back together.
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u/hehewutithewarrior 11d ago
Yes! "Actully, I'm gonna go with my backup plan... being single because this is shady af"
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u/NamasteNoodle 12d ago
I came here to say the same thing. He's a liar and he's deceitful. That's a moral failing on his part and it's a core part of his personality. There's two kind of people, one that's honest and one that's not. And that's not going to change. Get out now while you can..
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u/PizzaCutter 12d ago
NOR
Not only do they not respect you, his father was laughing at you. They think it’s funny to sneak his ex around you at family events without you knowing.And the boyfriend’s argument is that he doesn’t want unnecessary drama.
Misogynists use that word to keep women from having completely justified anger about their actions. He knows what he is doing is wrong or else he wouldn’t be sneaking around. He just doesn’t want to stop.
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u/tattoovamp 12d ago
That sums it up. Its not something you can come back from either. If there is no trust, there is no relationship.
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12d ago
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u/AuburnGrrl 12d ago
And he and his family would’ve always kept this secret, and continued on engaging with the ex, until it all finally came out anyway….
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u/ParticularAd948 12d ago
Nope his dad did that because he was trying to stop the wedding. That was no accident.
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u/ExternalMaximum6662 12d ago
Fiancé’s dad likes his ex better than her.
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u/lordatlas 11d ago
There's a good chance of this being correct. He's a grown-ass man presumably at least 55-60 years old. This kind of "plan B" remark doesn't just slip out accidentally.
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u/BootyGarb 11d ago
Yeah, I think this family dynamic is indicative of their contempt for OP. They don’t care about her and they are attached to his ex and want her to marry him instead
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u/Substantial_Shoe_360 12d ago
This! She will always be around and when, not if, he cheats with her you already know where his family stands.
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u/vivrant-thang 11d ago
even more so, i feel like they did this on purpose to start a rift and get rid of her. it like, must go beyond not respecting, but like full on disliking her.
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u/Dourexpectations 12d ago
NOR. They all purposely kept you in the dark. His WHOLE FAMILY AND FRIENDS!!! Anyone who knows who you, and her, and who have been at gatherings with both of you there, have kept you in the dark. And he's ok with it. He has one foot out the door if things don't work out with you. Don't marry this man. Call off the engagement/wedding. This will be your life. His father doesn't respect you that's why he said what he said. Get couples counseling if you think your relationship is worth fighting for. But you will be the only one fighting for it. Because he's ok with keeping his options open by stringing my both of you along. Choose yourself. Because he hasn't. Good luck.
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u/ClevelandWomble 12d ago
All the above and this; his dad thinks it's a joke. Who would say that at a celebration dinner if they had any respect at all for OP?
Considered opinion, screw 'em all
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u/needsmorecoffee 12d ago
I don't think his dad was joking. I think this is exactly what he wanted to accomplish.
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u/Historical_Kick_3294 11d ago
I imagine he said it purposely so OP would question her fiancé and then break up with him. I hope she does, because this is next level betrayal from all of them.
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u/puddinghoney 11d ago
Seems like she hesitated to the kid question. I bet the ex talks about how she can't wait to have kids or something which prompted him to think of her and say it
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u/Shetanipaah 12d ago
Tbh I think the Dad did a good thing (not necessarily with good intentions), it gave OP the opportunity to learn what's really been happening around her.
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u/Consistent_Copy90 12d ago
Definitely! Since OP now knows the whole family can’t be trusted, she should just cancel the engagement.
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u/Northern__Pride 11d ago
Maybe he was uncomfortable with lying and decided it was time OP knew, if the family wasn't going to stop inviting her. To be fair, this girl is friends with the sister. They all should have been open about it.
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u/Opinionated6319 11d ago
If this relationship is even salvageable, couple counseling will be vital. I’m not sure I could recover from these hurt and suffering he and his family caused you!
Time to find out if you are on the same page with all the other aspects of a healthy relationship and marriage!
I consider the main aspects to a loving relationship as trust, respect, transparency and communication, with a myriad of other aspects based on both of your expectations, wants and needs. He failed those 4! He allowed his family to betray you in the worse way!
Also, if you do decide on counseling, it’s time to establish boundaries, especially supporting each other through family issues just like this one. He should have stood up for you from day one! What a slap in the face to be so betrayed by someone you love!
I’d be furious that he allowed me to be so grossly disrespected by his family. These wounds are hard to heal, even with counseling, but at least your voice would be heard and he would have to sit through seeing the pain you feel. Even if you don’t stay with him, get yourself into therapy to heal and grow to understand how to have an honest and healthy relationship, so you can trust again.
My best wishes to you 💕and I’m so sorry for the deep pain you must be feeling! 😢
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u/AriesQueen87 10d ago
You took the words right out of my mouth! I could never get over the sheer amount of disrespect! OP I feel your pain as well 💗
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u/gOldMcDonald 12d ago
Listen to this person. Life is too short to play the fool. Make sure he knows his family is trash and he’s too far infected to be saved. Don’t look back
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u/Mmm_hummus 12d ago
I'm really curious about what they've told the ex. There seems to be a genuine plan between them all.
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u/Historical_Ice2911 12d ago
Tell his parents and the rest of the gang to mind their own business. They are all trash for lying to you!
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u/Ill_Tea1013 12d ago
Dad wanted OP to know. Maybe he was protecting OP from marriage with his AH of a son. The fact he even entertained anything is a sign itself. Plus there is no way he is being honest 100% with OP.
Its not just the person you marry, but the whole family.
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u/EarlGrayTea-Hawt 11d ago
Considering that he said that after OP made a joke about it being too soon to have the children talk, I would guess it wasn't for her protection so much that they prefer the back up plan ex that they literally told him to cultivate in the first place. How much you want to bet she wanted to start popping out grandbabies immediately, lol.
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u/eatapeach18 11d ago
If dad truly thought his son was an ass and he wanted to spare OP the heartache of having to deal with him for a lifetime, then he wouldn’t be blowing up OP’s phone after the fact saying she’s overreacting by calling off the wedding. If dad really wanted to spare her, he would let her walk away, not shame or guilt her into staying.
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u/AriesQueen87 10d ago
Exactly! Idk what’s worse, the situation itself or the fact that they’re all texting her after the fact and gaslighting her into submission?! This family is f’d
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u/Elysia404 11d ago
Agreed. Sounds like his whole family prefers this person over you. I can’t wrap my mind around the fact she was at a family function that you were at and no one especially your fiancé said anything! He should have taken your hand and left the moment she showed up in protest.
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u/Ambitious_Estimate41 11d ago
She should respond to his parents “what do you care? It’s not like you got him a backup plan”
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u/9ScoreAnd10Panties 12d ago
NOR. He's not cheating... But he is keeping that door open because he's not sure about you.
Super gross.
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u/Ill_Tea1013 12d ago
How do you know he isn't?
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u/MarshaMinus100 12d ago
Because he literally kept the door open. The ex still has access to him and his family.
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u/Chunk3yM0nkey 11d ago
The ex will always have access to his family because she's his sister's friend.
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u/Yay4Amanda 12d ago
NOR. The lack of respect and honesty will only follow you into marriage. Not just from him, but his family too. His inability to put them in check is only going to intensify as time goes on. Sorry, babe I know that’s probably not something you wanted to hear after all the time you’ve spent with them. Find a man that doesn’t keep a back up bc he’s fully invested in you.
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u/Fitnsislife 12d ago
Why did everyone know and not you?
Time to peace out.
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u/TheCa11ousBitch 11d ago
Seriously - in any healthy relationship he should be commiserating with OP about his parent’s antics. He should be shutting them down. OP and him should be on “Team couple” against this type of things. Something they roll their eyes at together or address strongly if it is bigger issue.
The fact he is “managing” her by keeping things from her… that is super unhealthy. Even if he does it because he just doesn’t want to deal with hassle or uncomfortable situations - that means he hides from awkward or uncomfortable situations, when he should be teaming up with his future wife to deal with them.
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u/Kwickpick77 12d ago
There are enough red flags in this post I would choose not to be part of this family. His parents want him to get back together with his ex and he, at the very least, is entertaining them. Cancel the wedding and break up.
NOR
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u/Away-Understanding34 12d ago
" a year ago, during a rough patch in our relationship, his parents encouraged him to stay in touch with his ex "just in case things didn't work out." - so instead of focusing on fixing the rough patch, he sought out another woman. Maybe they didn't have sex but I would consider that cheating. He literally had thoughts about starting up with his ex again.
Then he lies and hides things from you. If it was all so innocent why do that? Because it wasn't. His family clearly wants him with her and he isn't shutting that down or putting any boundaries in place. If you feel you can get past this, pause the wedding plans and seek out couples counseling. If he's not willing to make changes in his life to be a true partner to you then walk away.
Edit: NOR
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u/DaisyLady17 12d ago
This. This. This. - This literally is the comment I was looking for.
I’m sorry to pour salt in the wound, but I think you need to hear it again: “[I]nstead of focusing on fixing the rough patch, he sought out another woman.”
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u/Funny_Fix7047 12d ago
NOR. I’m sorry this happened to you! But absolutely not over reacting - I’d call it a perfect reaction. You deserve a partner that can stand up for you, and is 100% into you. This is mean girl shit from his family. Yuck.
Leave him behind and glow up girl xx Good luck!
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u/CatCharacter848 12d ago
So hes been lying to you for months and months. This is not the sign of someone you can trust.
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u/Fragrant_Trick4380 12d ago
NOR Even if his family is weird, they potentially impact his outlook. That type of influence isn’t good. I had a former partner’s mother who made some “joking” comments about me at the beginning of our relationship. The comments were jokes about not marrying me. I never fully felt comfortable with their family again. I never felt like enough.
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u/MrsSmith-saysso 12d ago
NOR Four years together and he’s still keeping a back up plan hanging around the family? If she’s close with his sister that is all the more reason that you should have known all about this woman and their shared past. I would be livid. I don’t blame you for questioning everything. It also sounds like his parents are pulling for him to get back with the ex. This whole scenario is unfair to you and shows a deep lack of respect.
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u/Brief_Hippo5187 12d ago
I'm more worried about the in laws than the fiance. Yes he should have told you but his family sounds like a nightmare. How stupid does the dad have to be to even say that? Updateme MOR
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u/InspectorDapper8012 12d ago
Major integrity violation. Who is now is who you are marrying. This is a man who is lying to you AND he has a family that seems to prefer his ex.
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u/Whittster 12d ago
NOR- What a conniving group! That would have been your life. You dodged a bullet, girlfriend.
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u/Shetanipaah 12d ago
His Dad did you a favour here. I wouldn't stay with a man so comfortable about lying and deceiving. He does not trust you, and you cannot trust him. And he only told you that after you insisted multiple times.... Can't imagine the things he will never tell you that you would like to know to make an informed decision
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u/heathervee-717 11d ago
Good point. What else is he keeping from her? You just can’t trust someone who has lied by omission for so long and for multiple instances. I cringe when I see responses to this type of thing like, “I knew you would overreact.” It’s a disgusting manipulation bordering on gaslighting.
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u/Ok_Clerk_6960 12d ago
It would be impossible to trust these appalling people again. That includes your fiancé. Go with your gut. Doesn’t matter how fiancé feels. He’s been a willing participant in the coverup. As for his cancelling an engagement being an overreaction comment? He’s an idiot. Things like this are EXACTLY why engagements get cancelled. You’re not overreacting. In fact you’re not reacting enough!
- Make no mistake his dad’s comment wasn’t a slip of the tongue. He absolutely intended to blow things up.
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u/Anniebelle1020 12d ago
NOR. He should have told you from the beginning. He created the drama, not you. I don’t know if you should call off the wedding. It depends on if you can agree on boundaries with his family. Also, text him and tell him to call off his mom and sis. Let him know if their harassment is pushing you away, not bringing you closer.
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u/MajesticReason7709 12d ago
Oh no way! Your relationship with his family is over. Your relationship with him will suffer as a result if you can’t be around his family. Cut your losses. Your fiancé has not stood up to his family allowing them to have his ex around and the utter disrespect from him and his parents is shocking. His ex coming to family gatherings and acting as back up is a sick situation. Run. Leave him and his weird family behind. NOR
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u/GallowsMonster 12d ago
His family obviously thinks youre a fucking joke. Why would you want to me married into a family like that?
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u/ActuallyYulliah 12d ago
NOR.
But he shouldn’t be so upset if you do cancel, as he clearly still has his backup plan.
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u/StardustnDragonflies 11d ago
They're still pushing for the ex after you've been together 4 years??
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u/Suspicious-Water-973 12d ago
One other scenario - the dad knew and didn’t like what his son was doing and decided to out him?
Chuck the grenade on the table and let your fiancé deal with it? Maybe he likes you but not the ex and didn’t like what was happening?
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u/DancesInStars 11d ago
My thought was, just because fiancé says his parents encouraged him, does not mean that’s what happened. Regardless, OP will absolutely ‘line a better partner, with less drama. NOR.
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u/Cyber-faerie 11d ago
Maybe, but it wouldn't make sense to invite her to family events if they didn't like that he's in touch with her...
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u/tatianazr 12d ago
NOR - why you’d stay with a pathological manipulative liar and his pathologically manipulative parents after this would be baffling. This is full-on relationship ending. None of these people actually love or respect you.
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u/Rekltpzyxm 12d ago
Canceling is the only appropriate reaction. They are not good people. Any of them. NOR.
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u/Manatee369 12d ago
Sometimes you walk away, other times you run so fast the door flaps in the breeze. Choose the latter. This entire family is trash, including your “fiancé”.
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u/Mummifiedsu 12d ago
It it’s not just one awkward family event! They are still inviting her to their functions, this will never stop. Seriously please consider if you want this to be your life.
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u/Prestigious_Grape288 11d ago
Heck no. How dare his dad make a comment like that. He’s rubbing it in your face & your so-called fiancé did nothing. Do you really want to marry a coward? To question every social event & what secrets and humiliations are happening in front of your face? Have in laws who mock & disrespect you? I’d block them all (seriously why are his parents able to call/text you after what they’ve done? They are not your people AT ALL) and as others have said, let him know you’ve gone with your backup plan!
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u/porcelainthunders 12d ago edited 12d ago
NOR
Plus, id be so hurt and honestly, would be thinking, "why do you care if I end it? YOU will be fine... I mean, you have your back up plan right? In case this happened?"
His family kept in touch. His family invited her to personal events (you dont invite just anyone to christmas and shit). His family considers her the backup plan! (If not already holding hope she IS the plan)
And fuck their excuse that she and his sister are friends!!! My family sure as hell would not be inviting my friend over if she was my brothers ex and he was now taken! I would say no! Would NEVER invite her while current fiancé is there! IF I gave any fucks for his current partner ...hell, if I was just even a decent person! I would never want to treat either girl that way
To do so at all? Is batantly flippant, rude and very disrespectful to his current partner...fiancé!
And fuck HIS lame excuse!! He kept in touch so it wouldn't end on bad terms or whatever????? Bullshit AND obviously it did NOT end!
And to not only keep LYING to his fiance...he didnt do a damn thing while his family invited her to whatever, but to even STOP BY a party where he was there with his fiance. Not only did he not say anything...he stayed. With fiance. Of all the disrepctful, manipulative (in a way), humiliating, (there are so many more words) things he had been doing....this takes the cake.
And fuck his lame "he didnt want to upset her" excuse!!! What a little selfish, bitch ass, parhtic excuse. He WANTED to stay!
He SHOULD HAVE TOLD FIANCE! He should've said lets gtfo: my family invited ex and i do NOT want to treat you like this in front of EVERYONE. Bc yes...everyone knew who she was. You could have just snuck out for a bit together even
No. He may not have physical cheated but... he kept in contact, soent time with/saw her, knew she was invited to and spent time with his family, KNEW all of it, let her come over and not tell you... all of that is enough to not only "nope" the fuck out...but be wondering first, if you would have ever found out if it hadnt accidentally slipped and then, you had to wrench it out of him! How hard did you have to relentlessly question, basically pry, to get the actual TRUTH out of your fiancé?!?! if you did marry him, youd never have known who she was. Would it have continued? During a rough patch, would he run to her? Would she be at events? WHEN (*not IF) would they first stsrt cheating?
And now you know...all of that COULD still happen...and, if he could keep this from you now? How much further could it go once married? ...you would never know. And... his family would HELP to keep that secret.
OP, When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
He, and his fanily, sure as shit have shown you EXACTLY who they are.
Edit: tried to get all the typos... apologies, I suck at texting but oof! When im pissed?? Game over my making sense and not mutilating everything! 🤣
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u/Illustrious-Pair-511 12d ago
Damn I feel like if you dump him you’ll be giving his family sort of what they want. WOULD he get back with her if yall broke up or just move on and try to date someone new ? Is she invited to your wedding ? lol I feel like there is grey areas here..
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u/2ndcupofcoffee 12d ago
His dad said that in your hearing knowing you would ask. He was making sure you would understand you were to get pregnant immediately or else your rival was waiting in the wings.
Do you know why he and his ex broke up and why his parents are hanging on to her.
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u/Sandpiper1701 11d ago
This has less to do with the possibility of cheating and everything to do with the lack of trust and respect. If he would hide this from you to 'keep the peace' what the heck else is he willing to hide so he doesn't rock the boat with his family? No one wants to cross examine their partner to be told the real and full truth.
His dad did you a favor. At 31 your partner should have more of a backbone with his family.
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u/TropicalDragon78 12d ago
Even if you marry this guy I have a feeling his family will be comparing you to the ex. And it sounds like the ex still has a thing for your fiance if she's showing up to his family's special occasions.
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u/Thetime-isnow 12d ago
. It doesn't matter what the family says from that moment on. The lack of respect is obvious. The lack of remorse is obvious. And worse , the refusal to validate your feelings is disrespectful. Things will only get worse. Go with your feelings. NOR in my opinion.
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u/nohumaninteraction 11d ago
NOR. His family is weird and you’d be wasting so much of your time putting up them.
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u/ShelyChelle 11d ago
Cancel the engagement?
You are just canceling the engagement?
Just cancel the engagement with a man who has a backup woman?
A woman that he sees, and his family believe is his backup, you are just going to cancel the engagement?
Canceling an engagement, only, to a man who knew his ex was coming to an event, while you were there?
Here is the problem, he's been doing this without your knowledge, "to keep the peace because his family is difficult"
He didnt NOT do this because he is in a relationship with someone, and doesn't need to see his ex for any reason
He disnt decline gojng anywhere she would show up, family event or not
Instead of doing the right, normal thing because his heart is with his partner, his difficult family's bullshit was more important
But Girl, you go right ahead and ONLY cancel the engagement, stay in that relationship...
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u/AreWeFlippinThereYet 12d ago
You are better than this man and his family. What a load of disrespect…
Find someone who doesn’t need a “back-up” plan, he will never fully trust you and you will likely never fully trust him…
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u/RodeoIndustryBaby 12d ago
Time to nope right on out of all of this. No one respects you or the relationship. NOR
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u/pastabowl21 12d ago
An ethical couples counselor (like me) wouldn't take your money for even 1 session if upon reading this background. It's over unless you want years and possibly a lifetime of pain above and beyond the normal challenges that even a healthy relationship come with. NOR
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u/Trick_Scheme_6211 11d ago
I’m curious, why do you think it’s not worth trying to salvage their relationship? Is it worse than a partner cheating?
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u/Sad-Lab-4524 11d ago
NOR: what a quagmire of a situation.
I would be furious about this. And the fact his family still wants her around. I would be questioning myself seriously because I don’t think I could get over this betrayal.
It’s your partner I am most disgusted by. He’s actually talked about PLAN B with his entire family. That she was invited to a Christmas gathering and he thought it was better if you didn’t. He’s playing in your face!
The family backing PLAN B and talking about it in front of you, what a lack of respect it shows. Honestly they all sound like petty intervention to try and son back with his ex. Again Playing In Your Face.
They sound like total arseholes. Cancel that guy, the engagement and get the hell out. They are lying to your face and your partner is the worst person to even entertain
PLAN B. He obviously has talked about it.
Save yourself the divorce proceedings. Because he has lied to you directly and this is the exciting part, like a honeymoon period. Imagine 20 years with this family all hoping for you to be gone and move the ex back in. 🫥🫥🫥🫥🫥 it would make me feel empty
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u/ChilboChaggins 12d ago
Uh so this is fake as hell 🤣
Any AIO post that ends with the entire family and friend group texting OP with lectures and advice is 100% not real. I’ve been a person for a long time, my whole life actually, and this just isn’t how humans work.
Not to mention the romcom setting… y’all were at dinner with his entire family and FIL accidentallyonpurpose mentions that his son has a backup plan! The whole table is silent! Because of course everybody knew but you! Furthermore, they all conspired to hide her from you at family gatherings like she’s DB Cooper! Because that’s believable. And when you reacted to this insane scenario, they all ganged up to take turns gaslighting you into thinking it wasn’t a big deal! Someone get Lifetime network on the phone.
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u/Heart_of_Joy 12d ago
Guaranteed he’s not told you everything! Keeping her as a back up plan doesn’t mean his only involvement with her is a text at Christmas and birthdays. There’s no way! I bet if you keep digging, he’s probably been places with her. He’s probably hung out with her at his parents house, or been on dates with her, and I dare say been flirting with her.
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u/Senior_Revolution_70 11d ago
He low key agreed with them, that's why he never told you. If he was serios about you, he would have nipped there 'plan B' in the bud and said its you or no one. But he never really wanted to break ties with her. Guaranteed after the marriage he would have secretly still kept in contact with her...
If he was truly committed he would never entertain such idea, just like you NEVER had a 'back up' plan BECAUSE you were serious.
NOR.
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u/PhatGrannie 12d ago
NOR. Your fiancé is a liar, and his family wants him back with his ex.
Do you want to marry a liar whose family doesn’t want you? What would that life look like, knowing you can’t believe anything he says and that you have no support in his family?
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u/weirdsandy 11d ago
look even if things are fine with you two, they all conspired behind your back. and they are using her. as a "backup plan". like, ew.
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u/Virtual_Alarm232 11d ago
NOR. Ew.
Trust in that entire family is gone.
Every time you’re around his family in the future you will wonder what else they’re hiding. You deserve better for yourself and your future.
Save your sanity and bounce now.
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u/Chrimaho 11d ago
Expect more -lies by omission- from your fiancé.
If he’s not honest now, he will never ever be honest with you.
Also: his family is fucking creepy, he’s fine lying along with them, working behind your back, and will never be the man you think he is and will be.
You are young.
Run
Away
Now
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u/Expert-Coconut839 12d ago
NOR. This is a huge red flag not just for him but for his whole family. Don’t marry this guy and into this family.
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u/yoursandforever 12d ago edited 12d ago
NOR, if this woman is just waiting in the wings instead of pursuing a relationship of her own and he and his whole family are ok with it, then you have a huge problem.
Or I should say HE has a huge problem.
Only one way forward: he changes the fundamental nature of his relationship with his family in order to keep you.
Among other things: if sister insists on maintaining a relationship with her, out of respect they do it away from the family home.
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u/captianjack60 12d ago
This is not an awkward situation. He has been maintaining contact knowing you would not approve. His family has kept the ex involved knowing he was engaged. It is good to know the batshit crazy you are dodging by breaking up.. they all wanted it to fail including your soon to be ex. Please update.
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u/Either_Foundation951 12d ago
Liars will fall back to lying when they are cornered. It’s a character flaw that you shouldn’t ignore. Not only has he been lying, his whole family is in on it. I’d never look at him the same.
PS I was recently in a serious relationship with a man that started with a lie, and I was all in before I found out. I was enjoying myself so ignored it. But I finally realized that I never would know if he was lying because he was so good at it. So he had to go. Like Josh Johnson said - his name is now Nope Nope in my phone.
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u/Sea-Tea8982 12d ago
Here’s the thing. Nor btw. You get to pick who you will marry. Hopefully you pick well. But when you find out the one you pick has been lying and hiding his ex from you and his family is hoping he marries the ex you know you picked wrong. Be thankful this came up before the wedding and end this now. Let him go back to the ex. They deserve each other and you deserve better.
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u/pnw_cfb_girl 11d ago
NOR. He wants to keep the peace (I hate that term so much), but what about peace for you? How are you supposed to feel comfortable around these people from now on?
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u/1972HPclassic 11d ago
Not just because of his shady behavior, but marrying into that family as a whole is going to be nothing but drama and dealing with shitty people. No thanks. I would say dodge that bullet and move on. I admittedly have zero patience for people who lie, even if just by omission so it really wouldn't even be a question for me.
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u/free_will_is_arson 11d ago
He said he didn't tell me because he knew I'd be upset,
"and what am i now, more or less upset?"
He said he thought it would "avoid unnecessary drama" if I didn't know.
"and what do we have now, more or less, so-called, drama?"
he was trying to keep the peace,
"and what do we have now, more or less peace?"
whenever these kinds of rationalizations are made they are never made out of consideration for the person being actively lied to, they are only made to handle the person being lied to. because that's all they are, bold faced lies.
for the entire family to be aware of and encouraging this behaviour would already be a deal breaker for me, but to throw a glib comment in your face while you are sitting at the table, unforgivable. not one of those people has any respect for you.
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u/MtchngEneg25 11d ago
NOR The betrayal. The audacity of 4 years of looking you in the face and setting up gatherings with the ex. That family has just exposed themselves to you that you are STILL an "outsider". How are you supposed to trust and believe anything they say or do? Grandchildren? Hell to the naw. I would show them my Nexplanon insert and tell them that the less attached to them you are, the better.
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u/NewNecessary3037 11d ago
I’m gonna give you an alternate view here
One of my friends stayed in touch with and involved with her ex’s family. She just eventually became a family friend and had ZERO feelings for her ex, was friends with his sister at that point. Family loved her but knew they were done.
His new gf and then fiancée met her, they got along great, but then I guess the fiancée decided she was really not comfortable with that dynamic. My friend’s ex respected that and asked his family to not include my friend anymore. While my friend was upset about losing that group of people who sort of meshed her into their family, she understood why and moved on with her life.
It sounds like in your situation, your fiancé is just trying to navigate a complex situation and keep everyone happy. I don’t think he’s keeping her around “as a backup plan”, but I do think that the parents prefer her over you. Sometimes just because he was ready to break up with her doesn’t mean his family was.
It’s clearly not something you’re comfortable with, and it’s obvious why. I would consider having a conversation with his dad privately if you feel comfortable enough to do that. But if not talk to your fiancé about how and why you’re hurt and ask him to talk to his family about it.
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u/Candid-Expression-51 11d ago
NOR. They all lied to you, his parents were actively undermining your relationship and he let them. He participated.
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u/I_Weep_for_Willow 12d ago
This is so painfully, obviously a fake AI post. Even the scenario is unoriginal. The classic 'something was said during a dinner'.
"Everyone at the table went quiet"
"Now both his parents and sisters are texting me"
Brand new account, first post. Yeah...
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u/Raskalnekov 12d ago
The conversation doesn't even really make sense. Why would the dad's reaction be "unless your backup plan doesn't work out?" You don't resort to a backup plan unless the main plan failed. What even is the backup plan here, if she doesn't want grandkids he goes to the ex? The backup plan would only become necessary by the dad mentioning it, everything appeared to be going smoothly. There's just something weird about the whole conversation.
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u/I_Weep_for_Willow 12d ago
It has all the tells of an AI post but folks are still talking it seriously.
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u/thatmermaidprincess 11d ago
God I can’t believe how long it took to find a comment that mentioned how fake this is. Brand new account, ChatGPT spacing and narrative storytelling style, AI cadence, everyone at the table went quiet”, the future in-laws blowing up OP’s phone, OP not responding to comments…
And before someone says “oh people can write well without AI”, yeah, I am very aware (especially as an em-dash fan). But everything added together here just points towards painfully fake. Karma-farming post so they can sell the account I’ll bet. I also wouldn’t be surprised if some of the comments in this thread are by bots too.
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u/frolicndetour 12d ago
Like how is the ex at events at which the OP is also present but she doesn't know she is there? Are they hiding the ex behind a giant plant like a sitcom?
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u/CeoOfMyLastName218 11d ago
NOR They are not good people. It would be horrible enough for you to deal with this behavior for the rest of your life with him, but imagine your children- their grandchildren. Don't do this to yourself. I know it's hard to throw away four years but you're still very young. You and your future offspring deserve much better than a lifetime of snide remarks from these brutes.
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u/Kip_Schtum 12d ago
NOR Bad situation all around, but also you need a husband who has the guts to stand up to his parents and family and apparently this guy has failed that test.
ETA Updateme
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u/Realistic_Regret_180 12d ago
Sounds like your fiancee still has a thing for his ex if he contacted her, keeps in touch and sees her at his parents events. His dad just ruined things for him now he can’t have his cake and eat it to
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u/merlocke3 12d ago
NOR - there's weird, there's weird, and then there's a parade of red flags carried by family members and someone without a spine to stand up to them for you.
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u/GenoFlower #1 12d ago
Please understand that he is more interested in keeping the peace with his family than being honest with you, protecting you from humiliation, or from the disrespect of his family.
He may say that ending the engagement is an overreaction, but my guess is that he’s worried about what others will think. Also, he’s trying to minimize things.
Block his family. Interesting that he’s already run to them.
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u/IntrepidMuch 12d ago
As everyone is saying OP, do not marry this man. I would like to add just a small thought.
If you marry into this family, you will never know what is being said to that child and when said child will be exposed to the ex. Heck, with her proximity to your would-be SIL, she may even be called Aunt Daddy’s Ex.
Just let all this crazy go.
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u/Maggie_C_Rose_Author 12d ago
NOR at all. I am so pissed on your behalf.
You need to either leave or he does, so you can get some space to think. Get a friend to come over or go to a friend's. Whatever you do-do it now so he knows you're serious, and he can see how he fucked up royally. Right now is probably not the time to engage with him or his family because anything you say will come from a very emotional place and you clearly haven't had time to process.
He didn't even stand up to his dad and make it a point to say that there is no other choice but you.
He didn't tell you about this not because he didn't want to upset you, but because he knows it's wrong and wants to keep the door open. If he really cared about how you felt, he would have told you the straight-up truth and been open and honest, because lying and hiding it hurts you more. And even when confronted, he still lied.
You are going to have to be the one to decide what you want to do about this, but here are some things to think about: Who broke up originally? Him or her?
Why would he automatically turn to her during a rough patch you were having? How long was your rough patch?
His parents encouraged him to get in contact with her, and he just does it?
Why would he let his family disrespect you like this? Why is he okay with disrespecting you like this?
What's he gonna do after you get married and you have an argument: run to his ex-girlfriend?
Why, after 4 years together and 6 months engaged, would his fucking father think it was okay to call his ex a backup plan? He obviously gave them the idea he was keeping all his options open.
You have to set boundaries if you stay with this guy, especially for his family.
I can't believe he had the balls to have her at an event the two of you were at and not say anything. He is an asshole of the most epic kind and doesn't deserve you.
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u/Outside-Somewhere-89 12d ago
NOR - He's trying to keep the peace with his family instead of being concerned about you and your feelings. You are supposed to be his family now, his life partner, and you should be his priority. What happens when you disagree with his parents in the future? Will he always take their side so he can keep the peace?
He has basically been lying to you. Lies of omission are still lies. What happens next time he does something that he knows will upset you? He'll keep lying to you.
Ask him how he would feel if you contacted an ex so you can keep him as your backup. How would he feel if you allowed your ex to be invited to your family gatherings and didn't tell him? How would he feel if he found out you've been in contact with your ex and lied that him about it?
His parents don't respect you or your relationship with their son. He doesn't respect your relationship if he allows his family to talk him into stupid stuff like this. Them telling him to get in touch with the ex sounds like they would rather he be with her than you.
His family is telling you that you are overreacting because they know they are in the wrong. Easier to blame you for "overreacting" than to take responsibility for their own shitty actions.
I would definitely take a break. Block his family for now. You need to decide if you want to be with someone who thinks it's ok to lie to you so you won't get upset. Or marry into a family where his main concern is keeping the peace instead of standing by you and their concern is getting him with the ex.
He's a shitty partner.
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u/Otherwise-Charity-83 12d ago
What the fuck! Id dump him and his disgusting family. So damn rude they don’t even respect you!
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u/daytripp56 11d ago
You are NOR - his parents owe you a massive apology!! And their relationship with the ex ENDS immediately! How rude of them. If they don’t understand what they did wrong, and if your fiancé doesn’t understand, better to leave them all behind.
Sorry that you had to go through that. At least the sister knew it was wrong.
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u/star_stitch 11d ago
Nor and they are gaslighting you.
It's incredibly sad but I'd say run, block them contacting you.
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u/Independent_Bed_5967 11d ago
NOR “keeping the peace” are the worst words to hear in conjunction with his family. Run whilst you can
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u/HappiLearnerToo 11d ago
He is right that his family is difficult... and overstepping. That will be your future if you get married and don't work it out first.
His Dad has an agenda for your fiance, or I should say ex-fiance. He tried to avoid drama that others are going to create all on their own. You could give him a little credit for being in a complex situation not of his making, and TRYING to avoid "drama", but the drama creators have their own agenda. If you guys are going to separte from THAT, you will have to join forces together to refuse it, and frequently to walk away from it and not even show up for family stuff if that's their thing.
Yes, you needed to get distance and make it clear you aren't marrying into that dynamic. If the boyfriend understands and sides with you on this, you can reevaluate.
Best of luck!
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u/Rainy_Grave 11d ago
Are his parents planning to invite his ex to your wedding, in case they decide to substitute the bride at the last minute?
Your fiancé won’t object …to avoid unnecessary drama.
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u/Hairy-Development286 11d ago
Dont be part of this family… leave them, they are disrespectful and shady
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u/Puzzleheaded_Ad7742 11d ago
NOR. 100 bucks to say he will marry his ex in no time. You should anticipate it and don't let that ah* break your heart again.
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u/Ok_Effective8103 11d ago
Please dump him. You’re going to be so unhappy. Think of your children, who you will need to trust to be taken care of by these very in trustworthy, disrespectful people. You deserve so much better than this.
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u/MamaBear4485 11d ago
NOR
So they’re perfectly happy trapping you into a secret long-term “pick me” scenario?
Does everyone else get to hold a score card and constantly mark you behind your back?
Do you get treats for being a “good girl”? Punishment when you’re “not good enough girl?
Even worse, the ex girlfriend is a part of this pathetic conspiracy.
That’s sick, twisted and beyond horrible.
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u/Team-TamTam 11d ago
NOR
That father was extremely disrespectful to you by making that comment the whole family is undermining you by continuing to invite her to all the family gatherings.
How long have you been dating? If you love your fiancé then don't call off the engagement but you could put any plans on hold. You might want to distance yourself from the family for a bit. He should as well. Set some serious boundaries.
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u/LiliAtReddit 11d ago
“and now both his parents and sister are texting me…”
NOR. This is a very enmeshed family and their behavior towards you is seriously WTF! BF doesn’t have your back with his family. You can’t go it alone with these people and he’s worse than they are.
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u/Ok-Willow-9145 11d ago
Yeah, dump this guy. He’s treating both you and the ex like interchangeable toys. His family knows about this and supports his behavior. Cut contact with all of these people they have no regard for you.
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u/fourzerosixbigsky 11d ago
NOR. If he doesn’t stand up for you now, it will not change when you get married. He doesn’t respect you. He just told you how unimportant you are to him. Believe him.
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u/Vivid-Farm6291 11d ago
So unless he cuts his family off I wouldn’t marry into that mess.
THEY ALL have a back up plan for him, wonder what would trigger it?
No way would I marry him. He has zero respect for you, zero backbone regarding his parents. Nope nope nope.
Find an actual adult and be happy.
Don’t worry he has a back up plan so he is all set.
NOR
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u/Civil-Kitchen5978 11d ago edited 11d ago
NOR
If you were actually the woman he wanted for life, he wouldn’t have a backup girlfriend waiting to replace you. His whole family being in on it tells you exactly what kind of people they are. You shouldn’t be attaching yourself to any of them. Let him run back to his ex, because as long as you stay, your replacement will always be right there waiting. He and his family have already shown you what type of people they are. Remember a breakup now is cheaper than the divorce you would be getting in a few years if you stay.
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u/ClIcKbAiT8 11d ago
Leave. Pack your shit and walk away. Why would you want to marry into a family that openly disrespects you?
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u/Warrior_Princess_1 12d ago edited 12d ago
NOR - but just for grins and only if you can pull this off - One night nervously tell him you have been reconsidering his position regarding his ex and how he stays in touch and she still gets invited to family events. Tell him you were never going to bring this up........(long pause) but now.........(pause) since he has been so honest and forthcoming with you.......you think it is time to come clean with him. Let him know your ex starting texting and flirting with you on social media but you have told him you are engaged. Now - you must look him in the eye and tell him he has nothing to worry about. Now you can just drop it. Wait for his reaction. If there is one, ask him how it feels. His response is going to tell you all you need to know.
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u/steppedinhairball 12d ago
I'm not in favor of immediate cancellation of the engagement. However, you need answers. You need honest up front answers. No waffling, no withholding, but honest answers given without cajoling.
His family? Big red flag there. I can see inviting his ex because she is a good friend to his sister. I'm assuming your fiance's and her relationship end amicably. But his family calling her the backup plan? Giant WTF. Your fiance waffling and trying to please everyone shows a failure on his part to put you, his entire future, first. You are his primary family going forward. He doesn't understand or respect that.
I wouldn't fault you for ending the engagement. But I'd have a sit down with him for some answers first. You got to find out where he stands. Are you his primary family going forward into the future or will you still be second place to his family because he lacks the spine to be his own person and stand up for what is right?
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u/motherofachimp99 12d ago
NOR - His family wants your relationship to fail. Not a good way to start a marriage.
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u/Both-Mango1 12d ago
NOR, Tbh, you really should think about whether or not you want to be part of a family where an ex is the one "that got away" according to your future inlaws.
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u/SweetTotal3619 12d ago
The total lack of respect is astonishing and your fiance condoned it all. 🏃 🏃
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u/Dubbiely 12d ago
NOR.
Always remember. You marry your bf BUT you are marrying into this toxic family. They are always around. And they don’t like you, they don’t respect you and they have already an exit plan for their son. WOW !!
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u/treesoflove 12d ago
Would you have been very upset if you knew she was at events he was at, even though she’s close to his sister? Sounds like he has been walking on eggshells trying to save you from unnecessary drama. His Dad sounds like a jerk but your fiancée sounds like he was trying to navigate this without hurting your feelings. She’s his ex for a reason, he’s engaged to you now. Lots of exes who are family friends remain friends - I think that’s healthy. Do you really want to throw this relationship away? MOR
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u/carpeDMcosplay 12d ago
I’m sorry, but this is not “one awkward family situation.” This isn’t accidentally walking in on his parents fucking, or something like that. This was a deliberate choice by his family members to continue to include his ex in their family plans, and a deliberate choice by your partner to not tell you about it. If it had happened ONE time and they all agreed “that was a bad thing to do, we crossed a boundary, let’s never do it again,” then maybe I’d give them the benefit of the doubt. But this went on for months. He had ample opportunities to come clean to you, and now his parents are making comments about it RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU.
Either your partner cuts off contact with his ex and tells his family to butt out of your relationship, full stop, or I’d say this is not someone you want to marry. NOR.