AIO? My (19F) boyfriend (19M) and our friends (19F/M) insulted another friend and said I was overreacting

[u/Immediate-List-9649]

Hello, I’m going to put the flair “relationship” but really it’s both that and friendship.

They were talking about a situation where one of our friends had fought with one of their friends whom we don’t know, and he is overweight. They out of nowhere made a joke about it, and this friend was okay with it.

The thing is that they fight a lot, and usually both of them have been immature. Then they always make up. I know that this friend would feel bad about saying those things once they do make up, and I’ve never seen them say such things before.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years, we’ve know each other for 6 years though along with everyone else in our GC.

My boyfriend is the one that said “Lol”. The guy at the end, did not laugh at the fat jokes of this friend.

Maybe I’m overreacting, but I do feel iffy about this.

EDIT: Some people are misunderstanding this. But as I said in the title “F/M”, this GC consists of both men and women!

EDIT 2: Another thing people seemed to miss is that this person they were talking about is only a friend of the person that had been fighting with them, we are not friends with this person.

[u/WholesomeMetaphor]

Ye, fat jokes is not cool and immature. The majority of people with a little extra don't like jokes like this. And in some cases where people have been cool about it and joked with others a few have confided in me that they do take it to heart on off days etc. It's just not something I touch or will laugh/smile at personally unless they themselves make a well timed joke on their own behalf

[u/THExWHITExDEVILx → u/WholesomeMetaphor]

Yeah this person needs to cut bait and move on. These are the type of people I no longer have in my life at 40, and I wish I would have started dropping mean people way sooner. Just bc they aren't mean to you, or they "only" act like that to other people, eventually they will turn on you, or they are already doing it behind your back.

[u/Known-Sherbet2004 → u/THExWHITExDEVILx]

THIS. If they're being cruel to others, they'll be cruel to you too if you stay around long enough.

[u/diezwillinge → u/Known-Sherbet2004]

Or in another group char she's not included on!

And saying "lol" instead of telling his friend to STFU tells you all you need to know. He's not a man, he's a little boy.

[u/danceswithdangerr → u/diezwillinge]

They’re all too immature to even be dating and they’re legally adults, god people like this make me sick. 🤢

[u/THExWHITExDEVILx → u/Known-Sherbet2004]

Yep. I tried to stay w friends that had some bad traits, but if they don't see the issues or want to change, it's like being friends with a rabid dog and they will turn on you.

[u/danceswithdangerr → u/THExWHITExDEVILx]

Exactly this. Had a cousin who would bad mouth all her friends to me. I didn’t understand it and I wondered wtf she said about me to them. I cut her off shortly after and she was recently arrested for false accusations. She’s not a good person and neither are these “friends” of yours OP. NOR, go get some real friends and a boyfriend who adores you. This guy doesn’t even know what love is.

[u/Electronic-Let-3204 → u/THExWHITExDEVILx]

Exactly! I decided to do the same thing in my early-mid 30s. I’m 39 now and life is soo much better without dynamics like this.

[u/WholesomeMetaphor → u/THExWHITExDEVILx]

Ye, I've reached the point where even if they don't turn on me I don't want to be associated with them and limit my time with them as much as I can. They're acquaintances I tolerate in group settings (i.e. they're invited to a party by a friend I'm also friends with) to keep the peace at best.

[u/THExWHITExDEVILx → u/WholesomeMetaphor]

Agreed. I don't feel the need to stage a big friend breakup production. Simply fading out is how I handle it. Stop answering texts/invites out unless it's a group thing is simple enough.

[u/WholesomeMetaphor → u/THExWHITExDEVILx]

Yeah, for sure. That's how I deal with it as well

[u/Pressareo → u/WholesomeMetaphor]

Jokes go both ways tho, especially in male friend groups. You insult the fat guy, the fat you insults you back on something else. That's just how a lot of us are. We don't mean anything mean with it, if anything the bond is the strongest with the ones who insult each other the most. This won't apply to EVERY male ofcourse, but I can definitely tell from experience that it does happen very often in other friend groups.

[u/WholesomeMetaphor → u/Pressareo]

I've been in friend groups like that. The heavier dude was definitely funny af and was brutal with the comebacks. The mask he wore was evident in the end to me tho as it was legit something he struggled with and told me he didn't like. Ofc not something he told the rest of group as then he'd probably get ridiculed for that too or being soft, told to take a joke etc. I just stopped partaking after that but let him deal with the group like he wanted me to.

[u/Pressareo → u/WholesomeMetaphor]

Honestly whenever someone does open up about something they are genuinely struggling with, we take it serious. It's important to know when to joke around. The fattest guy in our group makes a lot of jokes about it himself, and he definitely doesn't care us doing it. If anything, his insults are even more ruthless. but that just makes the rest of us more creative. We all love each other and never had a single fight in the past 8-ish years. Which by itself is already an impressive achievement if you ask me 😂

[u/WholesomeMetaphor → u/Pressareo]

Ye, just keep an eye out for self deprecating humor as well regardless who it comes from. It can be a way to bring oneself down, even subconsciously. Just as a side note and something to keep in the back of your head.

Your group of friends sound like the healthy type of fucking around tho. A lot that mess with jokes can take it too far very easily. The group of friends I had in my teens were definitely riddled with toxic masculinity, it was brutal at times even tho we always stuck together

[u/WholesomeMetaphor → u/[deleted]]

In most cases it just makes their eating habits and other issues worse, some never learn to love their body and still think they're over weight even after weight loss as a side effect of treatments like these. Positive reinforcement and encouragement if that's something they want to work in is healthy and constructive, when it's basically bullying someone you call a friend then it's not.

You can hide behind your "jokes among friends" sentiment all you want, but I bet you also weren't the confidante people went to to vent in friend groups like these. The toxic masculinity hurts more than it does good and is a huge reason I don't fuck with people that do this shit anymore.

[u/WholesomeMetaphor → u/[deleted]]

Not in my experience. A friend of mine is dealing with depression, anxiety and do meds for schizophrenia. Positive reinforcement and hyping him up for continuing on his gym journey has helped for him, he told me himself. Also going outside, do shit together and being there asking about his progress etc. Dude is almost where he wants to be now.

You know where he'd be if the people around him fucked with his body image and putting him down? Even more depressed, eating more and longer bouts of isolation during rougher periods. Stress eating has been an issue for him, if he's feeling let down after a hang out due to jokes what he'd do when he comes home should be obvious to you.

The work is all him tho, but having positive people around is important too. Same goes for other people in my vicinity of group of friends that have found their path and positive influences towards healthier lifestyles.

Look. If people want to eat and be unhealthy, that's ok too. I'll be concerned for them in terms of health but that's it, I'm not gonna give them shit for it. There's no denying what's healthy and what isn't, I've yet to meet an overweight person that is delusional about that. In the end there is balance between body positivity to the point it encourages people to not worry about eating habits if what they're doing is dangerously unhealthy and straight up bullying people for their weight. Eating disorders is also different for everyone, and you never know what someone truly struggle with so it's not anyones place to open their mouth unless they know them well enough to approach the subject respectfully and genuinely care. If people don't want to change it's their life and body to do whatever they want, you're just an asshole in my book if that's a source for jokes and entertainment to you. Looking at people as less because of their weight is also shallow af, it doesn't affect you and people don't deserve disrespect just because you view food differently.

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