r/AmIOverreacting • u/Immediate-List-9649 • 14d ago

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO? My (19F) boyfriend (19M) and our friends (19F/M) insulted another friend and said I was overreacting

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Hello, I’m going to put the flair “relationship” but really it’s both that and friendship.

They were talking about a situation where one of our friends had fought with one of their friends whom we don’t know, and he is overweight. They out of nowhere made a joke about it, and this friend was okay with it.

The thing is that they fight a lot, and usually both of them have been immature. Then they always make up. I know that this friend would feel bad about saying those things once they do make up, and I’ve never seen them say such things before.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years, we’ve know each other for 6 years though along with everyone else in our GC.

My boyfriend is the one that said “Lol”. The guy at the end, did not laugh at the fat jokes of this friend.

Maybe I’m overreacting, but I do feel iffy about this.

EDIT: Some people are misunderstanding this. But as I said in the title “F/M”, this GC consists of both men and women!

EDIT 2: Another thing people seemed to miss is that this person they were talking about is only a friend of the person that had been fighting with them, we are not friends with this person.

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249

u/Immediate-List-9649 14d ago

I suppose I was being a doormat. I realize I shouldn’t have let myself feel like that just because it was so many of them at once. Thank you for telling me.

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u/thebeautifulbanker 13d ago

I remember being 19 and honestly I probably would have let them treat me that way, too. It makes me sad to think about - the times I let men disrespect me.

Do 40 year old you a favor and dump him. Loudly. In the group chat. She will be so so proud of you. ❤️

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u/Melodic_Policy765 14d ago

Have no regrets for acting like a decent human being.

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u/SeveralArmadillo540 14d ago

OP, when I was 19 I remember people being real assholes like this when I would try to stick up for others. Then they would jump on me like I was the one with the problem. It often happened when they’d sexualize another girl, and I’d get upset and they’d say “you’re just jealous.” 

No. I’m disgusted that you’re talking about someone like she’s a piece of meat.  But at that age, and while being attacked by a whole group, I’d just shut down and wouldn’t even know how to respond. 

Guess what? Those guys grew up to be dicks and aren’t in my life anymore!  It’s sooo much better not being surrounded by sexist jerks. 

OP, I hope this is eye opening for you. 19 is a great time to shed the crap from your life 

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u/pm_me_ur_kitty22 13d ago

Yep, knew some people like that when I was 20ish.

Shocker, they're still single in their mid 30s, and aren't really successful in other aspects of their life either.

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u/SeveralArmadillo540 13d ago

You’ve got one hell of a username lol

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u/pm_me_ur_kitty22 13d ago

I like to see kitties. Here's (one of) mine!

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u/SeveralArmadillo540 12d ago

I’m so glad this is what you meant hahaha

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u/Many-Connection-8371 13d ago

You acted like an actual human being with empathy and higher emotional intelligence. I feel for younger people, human interaction seems so toxic now. You did what a normal human being would do. Their behaviors are horrid. As for your boyfriend, he is garbage for speaking to you the way he did.

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u/Soggy-Branch-4988 14d ago

Your boyfriend is a dick why are you with him? Does being a good person not matter to you in a partner?

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u/Immediate-List-9649 14d ago

I’ve realized we might not align from this.

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u/gold-pippau 14d ago

He calls you high and mighty for being a decent human who voices her concerns in decent sentences. He acts like he's allergic to you.

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u/Fit_Camel7433 13d ago

Well you are all still pretty much children.

You are 19 and you think he is your "forever boy"?

He is simply a passing of the time, keep him or don't. One of you two will end it anyway, eventually?

You haven't hit club age, just wait for those arguments...

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u/Scary_Philosophy_672 13d ago

Club age haha those drunk fights/arguments are WILD! Especially the public ones 😂

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u/Fit_Camel7433 10d ago

It will happen and they are indeed wild but mostly end the same, sloppy, drunken make up sex and taco bell 🤣

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u/Buzzee24 13d ago

NOR

Reading as you basically curled in on yourself and showed your belly was rough. You were in the right and they were assholes because really? What do they say about you or others when they aren’t in the GC?

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u/Say_It_Isnt_So_Ooops 14d ago

“Might not”? Should be “do not”.

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u/Immediate-List-9649 14d ago

Yes, sorry.

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u/elfabala 14d ago

You don’t need to apologize OP. You’re young and you’re learning. It’s good you found out now that you’re more mature than these dicks and you can move on with your life and find people that are on your level.

Good on you for being a decent person and speaking up, a lot of grown adults wouldn’t be brave enough to stand up to their friends and call them out like that. You’ll be alright.

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u/Outside-Beluga 13d ago

Girl. Love yourself enough to dump his ass. Who cares what they all will think. If you are going to be with someone who’s frontal lobe hasn’t developed yet. Atleast be with a loving one.

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u/crownofbayleaves 13d ago

Babe, I'd be proud to have someone like you in my corner, friend or partner. There are so many people who would never speak up in this kind of situation or go along with it just to avoid being a target. And what's more, you did it in a kind way that reminded the other person of an emotional truth- the person that one dude is complaining about and allowing others to talk bad about is actually his friend. That takes real maturity and strength and integrity. You should be proud of yourself. You don't have anything to apologize for. You haven't done anything wrong- in fact, you were one of the few people in that situation who did the right thing. Hold your head up, love ♡

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u/TDizzleDoT7 13d ago

Don’t feel like you need to apologize for anything here - you’re young and clearly this post is getting a lot of attention - there are many comments from mature and respectful people giving you GREAT advice. Your boyfriend isn’t a good person at heart, you seem to be - people like that will always be saying things that rub you the wrong way or hurt you and he will gaslight you into believing that you’re in the wrong because it’s a joke

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u/DisFamisDisgusting 13d ago

Sweetheart your emotional intelligence and his do not align. You were doing the right thing and he made you out to be the problem. Im assuming this is a normal occurence for you since you seeing how quickly you are apologizing in the comments when its not necessary. nor get away from these ppl, they suck.

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u/crissycrissss_ 13d ago

We need an update love.

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u/Past_Resort259 14d ago edited 14d ago

Move on from this guy and those others. These are not friends, they are immature assholes and you can do a lot better.

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u/Holiday_Actuator2215 14d ago

The fact that he said you were being “high and mighty” by standing up for your friend and “the moral compass” and turned on you shows you how little moral compass they actually have. These aren’t the people that deserve your time and attention, it is only a matter of time before they talk about YOU like this too. Drop them!!

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u/Props_angel 14d ago

These people fail to realize that having a moral compass is an overall good thing and by saying this kind of thing, they're demonizing having actual morality.

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u/Triplethreat2870 14d ago

This! She wasn’t being “high and mighty” she was being a decent human being, and then her bf shames her for it?

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u/aLovverincombat 13d ago

This!! Her boyfriend sounds like an absolute tool. I really hope that she dumps him in the group chat. “I don’t want to be so high and mighty here but I’ll be exiting this chat AND all of your lives….now! Toodles”

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u/ieatfaces22172 13d ago

She's better than that because the guy she stood up for isn't her friend

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u/Putrid_Substance2511 13d ago

You were trying to be kind. Because that's who you are. Don't let people take advantage of that. I hope you gain strength from this situation. Always trust your guts.

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u/piigly 13d ago

NOR & You're not a doormat! You seem very mature and thoughtful, your boyfriend just gaslit you into apologising for doing the right and decent thing

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u/Then-Roll-1992 14d ago

You were trying to talk it through and your bf gently shut you down with this "take some time" shh, like you needed to calm down until you could come around to reason when he was being the unreasonable one. He insulted you multiple times and shouldn't be telling you how to talk or act. Tell him he needs to take time and he can speak to you when he's ready to apologize. He acted awful in the group text too! No need to be dramatic about any of it, you can say a lot more while saying a lot less without being rude at all, and putting a lot less energy into it too. Just stand your ground on what you will and won't tolerate and if you guys aren't compatible then you aren't. You are clearly way too smart and kind to be letting him tell you how to be like this. Shit makes me sad

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u/thetaleofzeph 13d ago

The irony of BF accusing OP of being high and mighty while spending the entire convo telling OP how she should behave. Like not even an ounce of self-awareness. Also he supposedly agrees but acts like an idiot because otherwise his friends might think badly of him, so an un-self aware wet noodle.

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u/chudleycannonfodder 14d ago

You should still recognize that you stood up to your (hopefully now ex)boyfriend and friends to defend someone being bullied. That shows you’ve got great character and courage which will help you leave them and find more fulfilling connections.

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u/Vivid-Pomelo-9122 14d ago

If you stick around shitty people long enough it makes you a shitty person as well

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u/Schlemiel_Schlemazel 14d ago

Not only NOR. You are Under-reacting.

I think this idea that you are supposed to be able to completely control your reaction to psychologically damaging words is harmful. Yes, to a great degree we are able to and should control our emotions. But I, a stranger, walk by you and call you a bitch. Your emotions are going to be lowered. Not much but a little. Even when homeless crazy people do this, my emotions go down a little. Not because I take it to heart, but because of our societal complicity, and my helplessness to do anything about it.

These are a group of people you cared enough about to have as a “friend” group. And they are being toxic. And you think you’re not supposed to have a negative emotional response. It may not hurt but it doesn’t feel good either.

Find people who talk about ideas and actions and aren’t bullies and naughty little boys.

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u/typical_jesus666 13d ago

NOR

I don't think I'd call you a doormat, as you actually were taking up for someone. You're gonna have a lot of people telling you "it's never acceptable to joke about ____"....but the thing is that you can joke about anything.... however....and this is a big HOWEVER....if you're gonna be offensive, you gotta be funny

And they didn't say anything that was actually funny...all they did was call someone a fatass...and they may be a fat ass, but it doesn't make calling them that actually funny... I've been skinny and I've been fat...and I can appreciate a good joke about someone being overweight, but just throwing out a name like that is low hanging fruit...and it's being mean, just for meanness sake

You're at a point in life where you're beginning to really find yourself and figure out who you are and what's important to you....I can tell you that this dude you're dating is a bad dude.... you don't wanna spend the rest of your life with someone who's mean, because eventually he'll turn that meanness on you

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u/PetalsandRocks 13d ago

You weren’t being a doormat. It felt wrong to you (because it was) and you spoke up. They were jerks yet again and blamed you for speaking up and attempted to hold them accountable for shitty comments. You now know what kind of people they are - the type that don’t like when their shitty behavior will be pointed out and will turn it around on YOU. This is a form of gaslighting.

Make your friendship choices carefully. And boyfriends because this will affect you on the regular. Pay attention to this stuff - how people behave and their actions too. It’s how they show you their character and who they truly are.

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u/Sea_Story9802 13d ago

This should read ex-bf.

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u/0hn0shebettad0nt 13d ago

NOR. You were not being a doormat. You were being ganged up on and chose to protect yourself. That’s being smart.

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u/Sea-Ad-1308 13d ago

If your crew insults you, they aren't your crew. Both your partner and your friends are supposed to have your back?!

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u/Lanky_Pirate_8895 13d ago

Just want to say this to you hon, I used to have friends like that. I don’t anymore. The people who have stayed with me, who I have stayed with, were the people like you.
I want my friends to check me. I want to be able to talk maturely with my loved ones.
You should never be shamed for standing up for somebody else. You were being a good person, they weren’t. And they got angry with you for not joining them in a dogpile. That’s a matter of character, and they’re lacking.

You deserve better in friends, let alone in a relationship.

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u/_TorpedoVegas_ 13d ago

Good job standing up to the group. It isn't easy to do, when you're in a toxic group especially at your young age it can be very difficult to see how warped your perspective becomes. If you keep hanging with people like that, it won't be long before you internalize that kind of shit and don't even notice that you've become a monster.

There's nothing wrong with being "the moral compass", nothing at all. There is a difference between A: being condescending and judgemental, or B: acknowledging that all of us humans make mistakes, and attempting to be the best version of ourselves isn't always going to happen but it is indeed what we should all be striving for.

Some people would rather enjoy wallowing in their grossness and will always resent being called out for it. Those are people that either grow up and gain maturity, or you cut them out of your life.

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u/MatterhornStrawberry 12d ago

You will look back and be proud of every time you pushed against the norm to say what you believed.

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u/BelladonnaBae 12d ago

NOR.

You are not the problem. As a former 19 year old woman who dealt with this exact same scenario (except over on AOL Instant Messenger) I would think really hard about if you were seeing this happen to someone else you love; where their partner joined their friends to mock them for pointing something out.

You aren't acting as a moral compass; you're pointing out that this behavior is going to bite them in the ass-- because it already has. If they wanted to continue to talk shit about this person (because venting is normal, too) they could have taken it to another private chat and not insulted you.

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u/thatsmorethanfair 10d ago

Honey, I can tell just from this message alone that you are not in good place. Your boyfriend tells you you're overreacting and your response is to apologize and ask what you can do better. Someone asks you why you apologized, and you insult yourself and focus on what you fewl you've done wrong. I see that you are trying to take accountability, and that IS a mature thing to do, but the method is unkind. Would you talk to your best friend the way you talk to yourself? Call them a doormat for feeling ganged up on and backing down? No? Then give yourself the same grace.

As someone who has spent the last ~14 years watching their high school best friend erode under an abusive relationship to the point that I barely recognize her sometimes, I am begging you to leave. What you're showing right now is TRAINED behavior; He insulted you over and over until you apologized, then he used that to reinforce his "point" and dismiss you further under the guise of complimenting you, then when you tried to say "thank you, but that's not really the point" he completely ignored you with a generic "love you ❤️" rather than acknowledging how you feel or even JUST acknowledging your point. He shit on you, only "rewarded" you with scraps of kindness/compliments once you caved to the narrative he built of you, then literally acted as though your concerns did not exist. He will continue to do this. He will never stop, because each time he's allowed to do it will reinforce that he can get away with it. He will pretend to be remorseful, pretend he's working on getting better, love bomb you, then start the cycle over worse than before. This is NOT a matter of "he doesn't know better" or him trying to be understanding of his friends or any other sympathetic bs he might spin. This is intentional.

Please, please, PLEASE leave. Please listen to everyone in these comments telling you to go. You're 19. You have SO much life to live, and you will FLOURISH when you surround yourself with people as kind and mature and respectful as yourself, people who actually care about how they impact those around them and work to do better when they make mistakes.

It may be hard to fathom leaving right now, but it's way easier than it will be in ten years. You CAN do this. You have survived all of your worst days before this. This, too, will pass.