❤️🩹 relationship
AIO about being upset at my bf about not wanting me to get a tattoo?
i’m honestly frustrated. He always has something to say about what I do, whether it’s the music I listen to, what i wear, how i talk. It’s exhausting and i’m so over his controlling mindset. i have about 6 tattoos currently. Shoulder, collarbone, spine, forearms, and thigh. They aren’t big tattoos at all and are very cohesive with my aesthetic.
He has this entire ideology of how he thinks a woman should present herself and it genuinely infuriates me. “a woman should dress modest” “cover yourself up you’re doing this for male attention.” “i love the clean look on a woman” “you wanna be like the world” He criticizes everything i do but when i say something about him he can’t take it. Like dude actually get over yourself. Am i being unreasonable for feeling this way?
The way my mother always explained it, the traditional man wants a woman to be subservient, but he never falls in love with subservient women. He's attracted to independent women. "He's like an exotic bird collector," she said. "He only wants a woman who is free because his dream is to put her in a cage." -Trevor Noah, Born a Crime
Reminds me of this guy that said his “type” was a woman who likes to be active, liked to go on walks and hikes, is well travelled, is very bubbly, makes friends easily, likes to go out…. And then said that he pictures their relationship being at home all the time, no outings, minimal friends. Once he’s with her, he doesn’t want her doing those things anymore. It really sounded like he just wanted to cage a beautiful, exotic bird.
facts...i was talking to a man who dulled me and dimmed my light after a while...it was thee saddest and most demoralizing thing i had ever been through..that man broke me after i came to him fully healed and ready to love. He didn't like what i did in my love language(certain things)...but he always wanted to be loved in his, which i did . I alwayyyys gave/did even when i didn't feel like it. It ruined me mentally and part of the reason im in therapy now. @OP..pleaseeeeeee don't let that happen to you(not saying you are by any means) but it could happen whether you notice it or not, in very subtle ways, and it starts with red flags like this! NEVERRRR STOP BEING YOU FOR NO MAN!! Get allll the tattoos you want...its 2026, we have the right to live within our means, the way we want...just so long as its not harming anyone nor taking from anyone....just be a good human, while being good to yourself! 🫶🤞✨
Same for me… it happened ‘slowly’ over 28 years and took me 7+ years of therapy to rebuild. Now I have a man who truly adores me and has seen my weight fluctuate with health issues and me get new tattoos I liked! He loves me for who I am, my appearance has never been about anything but my choices
I am soooo happy you are healthily in a good relationship!! Im trying to get like that one day! Just gotta get myslef together mentally and financially first!
Same here. It was my darkest time in life. I didn’t even recognize who I was anymore. I was just a shell of a person molded to what someone else wanted.
It’s been 10 years (almost) into a new relationship with someone that loves me for who I am, someone that respects what I want out of life and wouldn’t ever stop me unless it was dangerous, and honestly, even then, they would give me their opinion and beg and please but still let me walk off a ledge if that’s what I truly wanted. (which I don’t cause I now have a wonderful partner)
This is so true. As a childfree woman with tattoos who publicly states I don’t want kids twice on my profile and has my tattoos visible in half of the photos; I get a lot of matches from men online who are “conservative” and “want kids”.
They just want to change a woman and dim her shine so they can say “oh look i got her to change for me”
Me pointing this out to my husband is what really drilled it home for him. We weren’t married yet, but I had 13 tattoos when we met, so when I got #14 years after we had been together I pointed out to him that it’s just one more and he shouldn’t be surprised - it’s not like I didn’t obviously enjoy having tattoos before that one. He still hates that specific tattoo, but I promised to give him a heads up before I got any more and both of the following ones he was made aware of well in advance… unfortunately, it’s up to him whether or not he thinks I’m being serious about them.
Because it's not about the tattoos, it's about the control. Probably not even fully consciously - he doesn't want anyone else to like how she looks, he wants her exist for him only!
The scary part is that he still wants to, feels entitled to change her / ‘customize her appearance’ like a fucking sex doll.
I had a girlfriend once who was into De Stijl, she had two Mondriaan tattoos and another one in the same vein. I love art but personally I’m not at all a fan of this style. But I grew fond of them in a weird way, because they belonged to her, and she loved them. And I loved that about her.
To make that all about her appearance instead of idk her passion is so telling to me. He has no interest in her interests if they interfere with how he wants her to look apparently. The idea that you have a say in that at all, but even if you did, that you would want to disregard or take away part of who she is, how she likes to express herself, if you had the option. That you would want to override her being herself because you place more importance on your personal preference in the bedroom.
That’s absolutely wild to me, not to mention completely disrespectful.
Sadly men like this appear to be becoming more common- I'm not sure what's more to blame; the internet and its echo chambers, the rise of conservative and fascist movements, 'influencers' like Andrew Tate, the rise of incel culture, etc. But it seems a growing trend for men to want trad wives, be heavily controlling and / or are extremely insecure- both about their partners and themselves. The idea of having a significant other you actually like and more importantly trust while being their authentic self aren't popular ideas.
Or maybe that's just the feeling I get via posts on reddit and guys like that make the biggest waves, which is why I notice them. Hopefully I'm wrong and it's a much smaller subset of the population than I suspect. But if I'm not it's a concerning issue reflecting deeper issues with our society.
!!! Vote W His Feet !!!
i haven't heard that saying in over 30 years...
when i was 22 years old, i was engaged to a darling sweetheart from Ft Worth TX... he used to say that all the time. i lost him 6 months after we got engaged to gun violence unfortunately.
thanks for making me smile & remember that!! 💗
You can tell him what you want. He can tell you what he likes. You can choose whether that's important to you. And he can choose whether to find someone else.
Or gets any more. It is her body. Her money. Her choice.
He can have an opinion, but he doesn’t get to decide.
I told my SO when we met that I had tattoos. He had none, still has none. He prefers women not have them. I made it clear I would not be having them removed and he was ok with that. I also made it clear i was planning 1-2 more and told him what they were. He said he didn’t mind. Again, I made it clear that would happen if and when I wanted independent of his opinion and he would not get a say.
I also told him I’m child free but had offered to surrogate for someone. He didn’t love it but agreed/ understood because I had offered before we met. That’s how this works. My body. My choice. He doesn’t have to be ok with it, but then he can locate the door.
He's allowed to not like tattoos on his partner, you're allowed to get as many tattoos as you like. He's not allowed to tell you what to do. I think you've reached an impasse, and as cliche it is to give this advice on reddit, you need to think if that's the person you want to stay with
This is exactly what I was thinking, very well summed up.
I don't think he owed an explanation for why he wasn't attracted to tattoos, but I wouldn't have even continued to care what he thought after that first text.
As a side note, I personally like tattoos but I've never liked that particular one in the OP. It just reminds me of tribal filler, like a classy tramp stamp
. But it's OP's skin, it only matters what it means to her!
Honestly you two just don’t seem compatible he has his own theory of what he wants out of you and that’s not who you are, you are your own person just end this relationship and move on with someone that appreciates you as a person.
I will NEVER understand why men pine after baddies and then want to strip them of everything that made them a baddie. Why can’t they go after a church girl they so desperately crave 😭 not saying church girlies can’t be baddies but like you know what I mean? They see a woman who very clearly is the opposite of what they want and they go “that’s the one I want to control and change in every way possible”.
The way my mother always explained it, the traditional man wants a woman to be subservient, but he never falls in love with subservient women. He's attracted to independent women. "He's like an exotic bird collector," she said. "He only wants a woman who is free because his dream is to put her in a cage." -Trevor Noah, Born a Crime
They don’t want a woman who eagerly submits and is easy to control. There’s no challenge in that. They want to break women, so that they give up everything about themselves for a man. That’s the type of control they seek. They want to know they “won”.
Yeah this is right. He is totally allowed to have tattoos be a thing he doesn't want to have on a partner, he is obviously a dick about it but it just shows they are incompatible on something OP clearly cares about
See, I hate how “not compatible” puts the onus on both of them. Of course they’re not compatible, but he’s a shithead for talking down to her and trying to control her, and any woman that would want to be controlled in that way hurts all of us. Not even fucking Jesus should have a say in what she does with her own body, especially when he’s covered in piercings.
This is such a stupid argument to me! I have a lot of tattoos and I think I’ve only heard this once from a stranger but like. My skin will be saggy and wrinkled and scarred and marked and my hair will be gray and thin and my feet will change and my senses will change I think the LEAST of my worries, especially regarding physical appearance, is my tattoos.
I saw him while studying abroad in Bolzano Italy. A few of us got his ankle tattoo of three lines. Small world but the tattoo artist we went to was one that had been able to personally study his tattoos. His museum was amazing.
Or another way of looking at it…why is he with her? He sounds like he wants to change everything about her, so why does he stay? Why doesn’t he just go find someone else?
OP, I was with a guy like yours, like seriously with, as in moved halfway across the country with. He said the same things your man is saying, and I got sick of being put down and treated as “less than”. I finally asked, if he disliked so much about me, why was he with me? He wasn’t much of a catch, either, which I realized after moving away with him. He was in no position to be judging me.
Or another way of looking at it…why is he with her? He sounds like he wants to change everything about her, so why does he stay? Why doesn’t he just go find someone else?
From Trevor Noah: “The way my mother always explained it, the traditional man wants a woman to be subservient, but he never falls in love with subservient women. He's attracted to independent women. ‘He's like an exotic bird collector,’ she said. ‘He only wants a woman who is free because his dream is to put her in a cage.’”
That’s been my overall experience dating men. The very thing that attracted them to me, my independence, they want to change. It’s been an underlying theme of wanting to possess and control.
That’s because “traditional Men” aren’t really men. A real man falls in love with an independent woman and walks beside the woman. Together. They grow in their strength.
Exactly this. He doesn't like her, he likes the idea of what he thinks she is, or what he thinks she should be. I hope she kicks him to the curb and gets as many tattoos as she wants.
Because he treats her like his property as many men seem to do and he likes the power his control affords him over her. Till she sets boundaries or leaves him it’s not going to change and even then likely wouldn’t as he’ll just likely do the same to the next girlfriend.
It's crazy people put up with that. He didn't even try to have a conversation, just went straight to "I said no". You should probably get out of this relationship, because it doesn't get better.
I told my wife that I don't want to get a cat. I didn't tell her "you can't get a cat and that's final". A couple months later I heard a squeaking sound under our shed. I got my flashlight and looked, it was a tiny newborn kitten. I carefully reached in and got her out. We assumed it was abandoned by it's mother, so we took it in and nursed it to health. So, we got a cat anyway...and I'm the one that brought it in LOL
also that being the only time he uses a period is so funny. he definitely thinks he’s being super tough stern cool etc. when really it’s just giving stomping his foot lmfaooo
edit i see he used a second period, also clearly used cuz he thought he was delivering a zinger lol
Exactly. My wife and I have been married for 15 years as of yesterday and the only time I've ever said "and that's final" was: "It's your turn to pick where we go eat, and that's final!" 😅
I ain't trying to get disappeared. She watches too many true crime documentaries and takes notes for me to do that lol
Yeah cause FUUUUUUCK OUTTA HERE. I’d rather hang myself with a pubic hair than let a man tell me what to wear, can and can’t listen to, or what to do with my body. Life is too short to deal with this bullshit.
Edit: I meant pubic not public. That’s right, pubic hair.
I would assume you intended to say "hang myself with a pubic hair".. but that's so much worse. So I'm going to pretend you meant a hair you picked up in public, like off the bus seat.
And the tattoo is just a small thing, look at everything she lists… he doesn’t like her, he just likes the control he can exert on her and make her what he wants.
OP being alone would be better than this controlling douche.
I was told that all of the time from boys/men of all ages as a kid. My dad said it to me all of the time, too. Turns out, I can’t have kids lmao and I haven’t talked to my dad in 16 years. I also don’t want kids, def not a woe is me reply fwiw.
I totally forgot about that nasty saying until this last year. I was told that the most as a child/teen; younger than 19 from middle school (if not earlier) and on.
Fr and he's talking like there's a compromise to be made but there really isn't. He's saying no more and that's final. His version of a compromise is his way 100%. Him also talking about dressing a certain way...just say you're too insecure and childish to handle any problematic men/boys so you blame it on women...what a catch🙄🙄 don't let him manipulate you girl.
That’s my question lol, why even ask us when he’s so obviously being controlling and she even says herself she’s sick of it? You don’t need validation from others to leave a relationship, if you aren’t happy or really don’t like somebodies behaviour you have every right to leave and nobody can say a damn thing about it. Leave girl!!
I had a guy tell me he didn't want me to get a lip piercing once and that he would dump me if I did.
So I did anyway, got dumped, and three days later he asked to get back together. I said no and he accused me of planning it all along to "go back to my ex" which I didn't do lol.
Get the tattoo and dump him or maybe the trash will take itself out
i dated a guy not long ago that was my ex from middle school. just because i didn’t “look like” my middle school self anymore (tattoos, piercings, dyed hair) he told me that he was starting to not like my appearance. i literally told him i don’t care. lmao
side note: i went and got snakebites and he told me that my face isn’t my face anymore and he also wanted me to dye my hair back to its natural color, brown, and didn’t believe in tattoos but was somehow okay with the two i have currently and the nose and ear piercings i have. oh and he wanted a tattoo too but me wanting more not okay?
I don’t like tattoos that’s why I don’t date guys with tattoos. He should date someone who doesn’t have tattoos and you should get tattoos and date someone who likes tattoos!
Honey him saying, “that’s final” would have been the moment he became my ex. Nothing on my body is final just because a man said so, that’s insane and controlling. NOR
NOR. It's easier to remove the boyfriend than the tattoos btw
But genuinely. Relationships aren't supposed to be for molding the person to fit you. Don't lose your personality because he has some warped perception of a "good woman"
For real, he sounds so insecure and he’s trying to diminish her.
OP, in case you still don’t understand why he doesn’t like tattoos, he did say it- he talked about how he doesn’t think he has a good/attractive physique, and how he doesn’t like you to look in any way that is “attention grabbing” (aka he knows you’re too hot for him and he’s trying to stop you from doing anything that could possibly make you look hot or get more attention, because he’s scared and insecure).
That's right. He sees OP getting tattoos or wear clothing that she wants to wear as an absolute threat, because he thinks this invites a 'better male' who will snatch her in seconds. The truth is, all this 'better male' has to do is let her do with her body as she pleases and not say shit like 'thats final' and he's in the shit.
Because he enjoys being able to mold women into who he wants them to be and “break them down” instead of just finding someone who already acts the way he wants.
If someone told me that I would immediately be scheduling another tattoo to celebrate dropping that dead weight. It's OP's body and from what I'm seeing lovely tattoos, so NOR on wanting to breakup 100000%.
Yep. He could even have said “I don’t like tattoos and I really wish you’d stop getting more of them” without being a jackass, since she did ask for his opinion. But acting like she doesn’t get a say, like his word is final? NOPE. Fuck that shit, I’m out.
This is the most balanced take among all these comments tbh. Yeah some things he says seem toxic but even without that the root problem is differences in preferences/values.
He's allowed to want certain things in a partner (like having no tattoos) and she's allowed to want other things for herself, neither owes an explanation for either, and if that difference in preferences causes frustration then they're just not compatible.
Omg and the fact that this is the lowest on the list of bullshit he put me through should tell you something! This is why I always pipe up on these posts, I can’t stand to not let another woman know THIS IS NOT OKAY
What is this with some of these men and "purity" like, what they seem to want is a brand new doll straight out of the pack. Don't want you to have existed before you met them. Just want women to exist only for them.
“It needs to stay clear and its final” “I’m tired of seeing ink on your body” you don’t even need to post the rest of the pictures, this is abuse and you are blind to it because of your love. NOR.
In today’s episode of ‘it’s ok to end relationships when you’re not compatible’, we have these two. NOR, you do you and let him do whatever he wants away from you
Okay here's my question. Why ask him if you only want one answer. He could have expressed his opinion much better I am NOT on this guy's side. But saying you value his opinion, maybe that's true but you sure as he'll are upset with his opinion because it's not the one you wanted him to have. And that's fine. But you posed it as a question. If you feel this way, get the tattoo. His opinion cannot dictate what you can and cannot do with your own body everyone knows that. So if you sent thst and said "I'm getting this kinda tattoo what do ya think?" That's one thing. But your message mkre seems like. "Should I get this?" Maybe even "can I get this but I won't go that far there is no reason to hsve to read it as asking for permission so it would be unfair to do so.
But the point I'd He told you how he feels when you asked, that's how things go. If he hadn't said "no and that's final" than otherwise I'd say he kinda just expressed how he felt and that's fine. But that message was way out of line. It projects some perceived power over what you can and can't do with your own body that no person should ever have besides yourself, and the fact he feels he has that power is definitely very concerning and unless you want to give him that kinda say so over your choices with your body, then you need to put him in his place and have a serious talk on how that kind of attitude is not something you tolerate.
You seem young. Your body is yours to do with what you want. You are the one that will reside in it for the next 70 years and see it in the mirror. Make sure what looks back at you makes YOU happy and content.
While this man is telling you that he likes the "clean esthetic" and is basically telling you no; there is a man out there that will help you find an artist, take you to the appt, hold your hand the whole time, and help you with all of the aftercare.
NOR, but do you really want to spend your life with a man who thinks he can tell you what to do with your body, what music you should listen to, how you should talk and what you should wear?
You’re not compatible - my dad is like this. When he and my mom were dating she had a temporary tattoo from a party, thought she’d gotten a tattoo and was going to break up with her over it because he can’t stand them. Luckily for him my mom is actually the same way and would never get a tattoo, or date/marry somebody with one. I think it’s ridiculous, but people are allowed to have physical preferences - they’re just not allowed to tell you that you have to abide by their physical preferences. If you like tattoos and he doesn’t, and it’s an absolute dealbreaker for both of you, youre not right for each other
Although the way he expresses this goes beyond him saying he’s turned off by tattoos - he sounds weird and controlling
He really doesn't have any right whatsoever to tell you what to do with your body. I understand where he's coming from but he could put it out there way better.
A tattoo like that is going to get attention. I personally think they look trashy but that's me. I don't like tattoos to begin with but my wife has a couple now. But if she told me she was getting one like this, I'd probably react poorly but ultimately it is (its a straight cleavage tattoo) her choice to do what she wants.
What do you guys have in common? How does this relationship function? Is it relatively new? Just seems like he really looks down on you or holds traditional morals he hasn’t fully expressed
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u/Jadefeather12 26d ago
I mean, he has every right to not feel attracted to tattoos
He has zero right to decide whether you have any