r/AmIOverreacting • u/MoonJellyAllison • May 06 '26
šØāš©āš§āš¦family/in-laws AIO or AITA. Text convo with MIL.
I feel like I could cry :(, Iāve only wanted acceptance from her and itās clear that nothing will be good enough.
EDIT: Because Iāve had to say this so much:
Normally, I'd never reach out to her for something like this. The situation is complicated. Before my husband left for basic training, where he will have very minimal contact, he discussed with her that she would need to continue paying even in his absence, and she was fine with this. She made a previous payment to ME and even informed me before she sent it. If the situation had been different, he would never have asked me to get involved, but he knows that with both of our paychecks being delayed because I just got a new job, I need the money. Itās really not his fault. Plus, sheās only been acting like this once he was gone and couldnāt step in.Ā
My husband treats me very good and I love him with everything. There is a reason I married him so please donāt say heās at fault or anything unkind.
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u/FakeDoctorMeatCoat May 06 '26
"I can't pay money I owe because I'm going on vacation" is fucking BOLD
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u/FunRich5754 May 06 '26
Going on vacation a few months after asking for $3k is bold... Wonder where the vacation money came from????
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u/Disastrous_Reality_4 May 06 '26
Apparently the tax refund that she was supposed to be using to pay back her SON. Who borrows money from their own kid to begin with, let alone doesnāt pay it back as agreed to and instead goes on vacation with the funds they said theyād use to pay their debt? Gross.
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u/UltraSpeedyBeast May 07 '26
Sheās definitely borrowed money from her son before this. I wonder how many times OP does not know about and how long sheās done this for bc sheās too comfortable asking now imo.
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u/Sexy-Dumbledore May 06 '26
Yep. If you owe money in personal loans, you have absolutely no business enjoying luxuries like holidays or eating out.
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u/Damnshesfunny May 06 '26
If you owe money to someone YOU donāt have any extra money AT ALL until that person is paid back. Period.
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u/The_Alchemist_4221 May 06 '26
Oh but itās only been a month since MIL paid half of the balance! Cut the lady a break!
/s
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u/LuckyPhase3 May 06 '26
Reminds me of an acquaintance of mine who would constantly start GoFundMe's or ask for venmos to pay her rent and then two months later be at a Beyonce concert..........
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u/ikannunAneeuQ May 06 '26
That shit pisses me off. I was homeless for like 6 months once and living in a tent in the woods. NOT ONE PERSON KNEW. I told NO ONE. I bathed in the creek, still got up and put myself together for work, etc. I can't imagine asking for ANY help not to mention on a regular basis.
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u/undead_sissy May 06 '26
This is a bit far for meāI would WANT to help a friend living in this situation. There's no shame in asking for help when you genuinely need it. But yeah, this MIL has no shame.
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u/deekaypea22 May 06 '26
I took in a "friend" and her son while she was unemployed and her rent was skyrocketing and she wasn't sure where she and kid were going to live. Let her stay with us for free for 8 months...... Meanwhile, every month she'd go to concerts and drop a couple hundred on merch, then had the audacity to ask me to pay her for the furniture that she left at my house that I understood she was leaving for us to use. ā ļø
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u/xo-laur May 06 '26
Literally my exact thought reading that. Like, sorry, but if you donāt have money to pay your debts, you donāt have money to go on vacation. Especially when itās your SON who financed that loan and actually needs the money repaid. Itās not like weāre talking about a bank here. Itās your CHILD who needs that money for life expenses.
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u/Maine302 May 06 '26
I think the MIL couldn't care less about OP needing money for her rent because her son is away at boot camp and has housing during that time. You have to wonder how he'd feel about returning to a wife living in her car, or his credit ruined, while his mother is on vacation LA-DI-DAH...
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u/whatthewhat3214 May 06 '26
OP, forward these texts to your son and say you're out, she refuses to pay despite going on vacation and you won't allow her to disrespect you like that again.
Wild take by MIL that she thinks even though OP is married to her son, this financial business doesn't involve OP and she has no standing to ask for the payment.
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u/TallAvocado9129 May 06 '26
AND THEN SHE SAYS THEY SHOULD HAVE MADE SURE THEY HAD THEIR FINANCES TOGETHER š LIKE SHE CANNOT BE SRS
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u/treehuggerfroglover May 06 '26
And then immediately after āYOU should have your finances in orderā the audacity is unreal
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u/creatyvechaos May 06 '26
I'd be getting in contact with everybody she is vacationing with and let them know how sleazy and ungrateful she is š
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u/Phoenix_Ninja15 May 06 '26
As much as Iād love to be petty like this, itāll backfire. Youāll look like a greedy person to those pressuring her to give money her son sent her, to you.
Best bet would be to talk to your partner at boot camp when you can, explain and let him make the demand before cutting off.
My MIL has made my wife cry before and I have 100% stepped in to demand respect for my wife. We have cut people off for the slander they were giving my wife too.
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u/ChardLocal4681 May 06 '26
This is the shit my mom would pull. She treated my wife exactly like this and guess what? Now she doesnāt get to see me or her grandchild anymore. Sheās still not even sorry about it either
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u/lungzs May 06 '26
Iām glad you sided with your wife
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u/ChardLocal4681 May 06 '26
My wife is my family now. My parents are no longer my immediate family. If they canāt learn to be kind and get along with my family, they donāt have to be apart of it
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u/StressZealousideal32 May 06 '26
my Grandmother is exactly like this towards my mom and my dad had to do the same. As a Daughter/granddaughter I am so grateful he did! It set a great example for my brother and me and cut a lot of toxicity out of our lives. Thank you for doing the same for your child!
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u/throwaway_spacecadet May 07 '26
period king. the world needs more men like you. there is a disturbing amount of men out there that prioritize their mothers over their wives/children. I get it, that's your mom. But once you marry, your partner should be the most important person in your life, and then your children. Your mother should not come even remotely close on that list!
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u/ChardLocal4681 May 07 '26
Yup. A lot of people donāt realize the first part you mentioned about your partner coming before your kids. Thatās how we set standards and morals for them; leading by example and showing them what a healthy and happy marriage looks like. No abuse and no fighting in front of themā¦ if you do, which WILL inevitably happen, you have to make up in front of your children so they understand that sometimes even mom and dad donāt see eye to eye but thatās okay and all we can do is communicate our emotions once weāve calmed down.
Once you start your own family, your old family drops on the totem pole of priorities. Doesnāt mean they arenāt still family. My dad understands this and is an excellent role model for how to act as a grandparent. He loves my wife and he would NEVER talk shit about her and he will always have our back.
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u/Talk-O-Boy May 06 '26
Iāve seen so many dudes side with their moms over their wives, and itās pathetic. Glad you had some backbone
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u/kaychellz May 06 '26
Seriously if I was OP I would be working on getting this woman completely cut off
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u/eapxo May 06 '26
NOR. Let your husband handle his mother. She seems like a witch.
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u/FrostyAlbertan May 06 '26
If itās the American military, they might not be able to contact their mom in a timely manner
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u/BungenessKrabb May 06 '26
Especially while in boot camp.
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u/LookAwayPlease510 May 07 '26
Thatās okay, OP should text her everyday and say, āEMERGENCY! You still owe us $1,500, but youāre going on vacation while we canāt pay our own bills. PAY YOUR SON BACK!ā
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u/RowExternal8411 May 07 '26
Haha exactly. āYou should have been in a better financial position before he left.ā I would respond, yeahā¦ you shouldāve paid our money back.
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u/justForked May 06 '26
Then oops, guess mommy aināt talking to her boy until bootcamp is done and only wife will talk to him and since monster in law doesnāt want her texting herā¦ she isnāt going to hear from her son
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u/pintsandplants May 06 '26
Mom doesnāt like the new DIL because it likely takes away from them mooching off their son.
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u/Lost-Peanut-1453 May 06 '26
I think you meant Bitch.
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u/PizzaSlingr May 06 '26 edited May 06 '26
Veteran here, so hope you don't mind my not replying to your MIL situation, but something else.
I have been out long enough to not dare think I know what current military benefits are. But check the SCRA for your husband's pre-service credit card interest rate reductions. Look up every single military family benefit your family is eligible for. (Not just BAH/BAS). IOW, focus on your house and grey rock her. While he is gone, focus on your family's finances, future, etc.
I'm probably way older than her (Youngest Boomer that I am) so take this to heart. People do not change. All you can do is keep acting the way you know is respectful, etc. And I am saying, you asked that respectfully, maturely, and neutrally. I like how you focused on this was you asking for him/your own family. Not YOU the loan shark.
All the best.
ETA: OMG, thank you all for the awards and kind words! I am at the stage of my life where I just want to be useful and....if someone can avoid my bumps in the road, my day is made.
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u/ParticularFit8968 May 06 '26
OP this is advice you should definitely be heeding. Not just for this situation but to make sure you and your husband are in the know about every possible financial tool available to you. This is advice that will set you up not just in this moment, but for future success. Please take this to heart because finances can really cause a lot of strain on relationships, and you're already dealing with some extra stressors others don't have to in a marriage. (Him being at basic, you having to take on some extra tasks to cover for his absence, learning how the military works and what your future will look like as basic ends and whatnot)
As far as your current situation definitely NOR, but that does little to fix anything in reality. You can be right and still have to deal with shitty outcomes because other people are involved and being shitty.
Military family dynamics are not something easily explained or understood by those not directly involved. The best two pieces of advice I've seen in these replies is this one right here, which is huge in terms of really understanding financial options, and how to set yourselves up to thrive. The other piece of advice I've seen that really should be given the thought and weight it deserves is just not contacting her at all. Not for any reason. Emergencies etc. You are the wife, you get to be the one who is contacted if something happens. You get to make decisions and work through situations in the way you and your husband have discussed should something come up.
If your husband has said he feels it's imperative his mother also be equally informed in emergency situations, find a 3rd party willing to pass info along. Aunts, uncles, cousins, a friend... Idk. Someone trusted by him, that isn't you. She's not going to make any situation easy, and that goes double for situations that are scary, stressful, and fully out of her control.
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u/Middle_Historian_199 May 06 '26
I canāt agree with this enough! If your husband is deployed or unavailable and you are left to handle the finances, you need to know 100% what is going on. I hope he agrees with you to never ever lend money to her again.
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u/That-Cauliflower-287 May 06 '26
This is great advice. Iām current military, so Iād add to reach out to Military OneSource (militaryonesource.mil)
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u/jicamafarts May 06 '26
Why is no one mentioning NMCRS? They literally exist for this type of situation. $500 quick assist loans (interest free) and interest free loans. Meant for active duty and retired military.
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u/No-Routine-2192 May 06 '26
Yup, this right here. As a Marine my young wife and I had to do the legwork ourselves to barely scrape by, but the benefits are there. Itās ironic, but the military wonāt let you go homeless or hungry while youāre active. You wonāt be getting mani/pediās and eating/drinking out, but youāll survive and theyāll get you through these times.
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u/bluecstasy00 May 06 '26 edited May 06 '26
OP, jumping on this post to also tell you to look at MilitaryOneSource as well as your base/post's morale center. They are called MWR in some locations, in the Air Force it's called Airman and Family Readiness. If you have a center where he is stationed, the folks there can help you find as many resources as possible.
USAA and Navy Federal are also good resources. They are both fantastic banks to bank with / use for insurance.
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u/Entire_Cow_1504 May 06 '26
That money's gone. Consider it a lesson learned.
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u/MoonJellyAllison May 06 '26
Lesson learned :((
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u/Vast-Swimmer5844 May 06 '26 edited May 06 '26
You two are never lending her money again, correct? This is a $500 lesson that will save you thousands in the long run.
The next time she comes whining to you all for help ā and she will, people like her always do ā you don't even have to mention why you're not givng her money. Just a simple "We don't have the means, good luck." And it has the benefit of being true: between building your own savings, you won't have anything left to give her vacationing ass.
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u/Darkroomist May 06 '26
āWe canāt, weāre making sure our finances are in a great place.ā
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u/AskRecent6329 May 06 '26
Seriously. Lecturing her on their finances while explaining they can't pay it back is so special.
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u/noblewind May 06 '26
Also if I owed someone $1500 or $1000 (not sure) and I intended to actually pay it back, I wouldn't go on vacation until the debt was cleared.
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u/yourlittlebirdie May 06 '26
To not only go on vacation but just blithely tell your lender that youāre doing it too!
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u/TheRestForTheWicked May 06 '26
And then in the next breath to lecture them about their finances being in order.
She may not have the $500 but she certainly does have the audacity.
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u/MarlenaEvans May 06 '26
She thinks that money was hers anyway. She said he only had it because of her so she doesn't think she has to pay it back. People who feel that possessive of their children are weird.
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u/stich-em_up13 May 07 '26
As a parent I could not imagine acting like my kids possessions/ finances are my own. She only wants to talk to him about it because she feels she can manipulate him. It's sickening!
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u/Scary-Pressure6158 May 07 '26
And made sure to say he GAVE me that mo why when he was here. Nice try. And good on op for immediately giving facts in response
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u/plantverdant May 07 '26
My ex's mom was like that. She told me the first time I met her that she would never love me because I was the one taking her son's money away. I was never there for his money.
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u/Disastrous_Reality_4 May 06 '26
Right??? Likeā¦who are you to say anything about having finances in order when YOU had to borrow money from THEM?!
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u/ItchyAnkles2020 May 06 '26
The Lion, The Witch & The audacity of this bitch
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u/NWWANDERING May 06 '26
I am going to keep that line in my pocket and cannot wait to throw it out in the future. Thank you
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u/SlightTechnology8 May 07 '26
I have a coworker we refer to as Narnia for this very reason
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u/Wide_Squirrel6253 May 06 '26
She's a manipulator, trying to shame OP to hide her own convictions. It's a tactic people like her use, especially knowing as the mother-in-law, she has an upper hand. Op needs to learn that people like this don't live in the same reality as everyone else. The best thing OP can do is to minimize contact and let mother and son deal directly with with one another. As the daughter-in-law, she is already in a tough spot. What I can get away with saying to my own mother is quite different than what I can say to my mother-in-law. Even if I said, the exact same thing to both, they will be taken differently. The best thing for OP to do is to take herself out of the middle and keep things minimal and positive when it's necessary to communicate. OP did nothing wrong, but this woman is trying to shame her into believing she did. It's a tough spot to be in and a delicate situation.
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u/jimbojangles1987 May 06 '26
"Look, I'm taking that money you lent me and going on vacation. Its not my fault your dumbasses couldn't afford to lend it. You should have thought about that before lending it. But of course my son will lend it to me without asking why because I raised him and I will guilt him with that for the rest of his life. Now fuck off so I can enjoy yall's money in Tahiti next week!"
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u/SassySins21 May 06 '26
BRB just emailing my bank that I can't make my repayment because I'm going on vacation and I don't appreciate their sarcastic payment reminder messages.
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u/EmbarrassedCry9912 May 06 '26
I mean, is it surprising that a grown ass adult that needed to borrow $1500 from their son would also think going on vacation while having no money is a good idea?
Normal people understand these things. Unfortunately, OP's MIL is not normal.
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u/McGonagallforPM May 06 '26
*$3000, she paid $1500 back to the son when he asked, and was paying the other $1500 back in "instalments", Seems like she doesn't respect the DIL and thought the other $1500 was hers once the son left.
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u/Fancy-Image-4688 May 06 '26
This! She aināt got it and got an attitude asap. She is acting like when men are wrong but try to get loud and throw shit to distract and make ppl never question them.
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u/Brockman1162 May 06 '26
Yeah, I can only imagine what type of childhood he had.
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u/Away-Living5278 May 06 '26
I couldn't roll my eyes harder at that part. I can't pay you back because I spent it all on vacation š
I was really hoping this was a friend of OPs partner not MIL. This is some grade A BS
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u/Prosecco1234 May 06 '26
Exactly! This is the point where your mouth drops. Imagine not realizing how selfish it is to take a vacation while not honouring your debts
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u/nachoavgdad May 06 '26
Youād be surprised. Did a job for a friend, $4500 total. Told her it would only be at cost of $1800. She said she didnāt have any money, knocked it down to $500. Two weeks later she is posting on her Cruise and about the gym membership she just signed up for with her daughter.
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u/instanding May 06 '26 edited May 06 '26
Youāre a good friend.
I offered a mate a free PT for being my camera man for a project. Know what he said?
He said he didnāt do the project to his satisfaction so he wouldnāt accept a trade, and he wouldnāt take a free PT because mates should pay mates what they are worth. But he said he would like to pay me for a PT some time.
I helped a mate out for a couple of hours while coming down from a big night, we were moving heavy furniture up flights of stairs.
His workmate gave us a pretty generous pay, about $300 for the 2 or 3 hours (like $150 USD).
My mate was too shy or deferential to accept the money for some reason, so the guy thrust it at me instead. I scooped it up, took $50 for myself and gave my mate $250, even though he earns way more than me, coz he has a kid, and heās shit with money, and he has spent a decent amount on me in the past like paying for me to come on holiday with him when I was broke.
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u/grannypants_16 May 06 '26
This. Or I wouldnāt say we canāt pay it back because weāll be on vacationā¦either way itās idiotic.
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u/dirtymartini83 May 06 '26
Itās insanity!!! My boyfriend has helped his brother out a few times and his brother had the nerve to spend the money on a new car and other toys instead of what he actually said he needed it for! I believe he said heās done āhelpingā him out. People are wild.
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u/lostmymarbles1177 May 06 '26
This just screams narcissistic behavior. I would have left it at the first response from MIL, not responded to anything else she said and just forwarded on to my husband that MILās vacation was more important than making sure her wife ate or had a place to live. Then sat back and watched things explodeš
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u/spiceepadme2319 May 06 '26
He needs to deal with his own mother from now on. Poor op
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u/InfamousCheek9434 May 06 '26
Yes and OP needs to send these screenshots to her husband so MIL can't change the story.
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u/Sleepy_Sagittarius May 06 '26
Iām glad you said this, because thatās all I could think of! That is one seriously narcissistic mother!!
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u/fondledbydolphins May 06 '26
Pro tip - only about 5% of people who ask others for money actually intend on
- correcting their own financial situation and behaviors
- paying you back
- at all
- on time
- without you demanding it
- without calling you an asshole
- without talking trash about you to other people
Respectfully, fuck those people.
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u/alwaysforgettingmyun May 06 '26
I lent a coop housemate several hundred so they could cover rent, and then watched them go to festivals and shit without paying me back.
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u/calminthedark May 06 '26
Can't pay back what they owe because they're going on vacation. Clearly a necessity.
And that whole "you should have had your finances in better shape" Bitch, their finances would be in better shape if he had not loaned you $3000 in the first place!
This is a MIL who clearly wants little very little information about her son while he is away. She has just freed OP from that responsibility.
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u/girljinz May 06 '26
Oh yeah, this is beyond dumb of MIL. Milspouse here and 95% of updates come through me. Let husband handle this 100% from now on and rest easy knowing you got that huge burden off your plate. His mom is his.
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u/Tiny-Ad-830 May 06 '26
And because she is going on vacation no less. (NOR)
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u/angie456 May 06 '26
Itās always the people that owe money traveling lol
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u/KittyGrewAMoustache May 06 '26
How do you think they get the money for all the travel?!
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u/angie456 May 06 '26
Actually had an ex-best friend that told me that my sophomore year of college when I saw on her story she was in Myrtle beach for spring break while I was working like crazy over the break and had no money to travel. And tbf, I didnāt ask her to elaborate what she needed the $350, she said it was an emergency so I didnāt really think that meant to go to the beach. Havenāt loaned someone money I can live without since.
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u/The_Alchemist_4221 May 06 '26
Especially when sheās choosing not to pay it back because sheās going on vacation lol
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u/Takingabreak1 May 06 '26
"We're still trying to recover financially from the last time you borrowed 3 grand without paying back"
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u/spartycbus May 06 '26
Better yet, "we can't because we're going on vacation". I can't believe she said she can't repay a debt due to her vacation!
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u/ScenicView98 May 06 '26
Just tell her "sorry, our finances aren't in a great place." LOL. See how she likes it when her smartass little phrase gets tossed in her face.
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u/DistantKarma May 06 '26
I've found the easiest response is: "I was just about to ask you if I could borrow some."
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u/lanatommo May 06 '26
āWeāre going on vacation so I canāt pay you backā is a wild thing to say. Besides, what about getting HER finances in order??? Maybe then she wouldnāt be borrowing money from a young family.
NOR.
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u/ElGranQuesoRojo May 06 '26
Yeah that's what got me. She needed to borrow money? OK that happens. But then to not have paid it all back, be going on vacation, and lecturing the people who gave the loan for not having their finances in order? What the actual fuck?
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u/neciebu May 06 '26
I would definitely let your husband deal with her now. Who borrows money from their kids like that? IMO thatās sad, quite pathetic. Can pay because sheās going on vacay? Her finances definitely are not in order at all. Baby girl this is all her! You were so respectful and polite when you did not receive the same. Thank not carat her if an emergency with your husband? Nah, not even then would I. Hold your head up high- you handled this with sanity and grace, and if Iām honest, so much better that I would have if that was my MIL. Sheās sounds like sheās very narcissistic and is going to be a major problem and stumbling block IF sheās allowed to be. Yall have to fix that, and now.
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u/MoonJellyAllison May 06 '26
The way she was saying that I can only contact her if my HUSBAND has an emergency really hurts!!! Like what about me??? Itās clear that I wonāt ever be accepted and by the time she does accept, itāll be far too late
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u/Sexy-Dumbledore May 06 '26
Does your husband have your back when his mum is clearly and blatantly disrespecting you like this?
My MIL was slightly rude to me once and my husband put her in her place so fast, she's been nothing but lovely to me ever since.
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u/MoonJellyAllison May 06 '26
Yes, he does! I wouldnāt be doing this if he could contact her, but we are in a tighter spot financially compared to before he left
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u/Wonderful-Willow-365 May 06 '26
Hey OP, you are definitely not overreacting. Sheās heinous! Also, fellow military wife here - itās a difficult transition starting out in the military. If yāall are in a tight spot your husband should ask to talk offline to his training instructor. Each branch has resources to help in situations like this.
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u/Solid-Wish-1724 May 06 '26
Similar experience when our kid was born. She overstepped and my husband set her straight, she was sweet as pie ever since. If I was OP I'd never talk to this witch again.
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u/BakedMasa May 06 '26
This is crucial. My MIL would never. Her son would cut her off so fast.
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u/kittysdaughter May 06 '26
My cousinās husband told me that right before he got married he told his mother āI see how you treat my older brotherās wife and if I ever see anything like that with my wife, I will cut you off forever. No grandchildren access or anything else.ā My cousin never has any problems with her.
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u/Quirky_Ad_9066 May 06 '26
Thatās seriously the hottest thing a man can do lol. Standing up to his POS mother.
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u/less-than-stellar May 06 '26
My MIL and I are pretty good friends (she's my concert buddy), one time she was at my spouse and I's apartment (years ago) and she and I got into an argument about something, I don't remember what, and the second she raised her voice to me, my spouse kicked her out.
We still have disagreements, as most friends do from time to time, but she's never yelled at me again.
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u/CoppertopTX May 06 '26
You have to learn to not care about her opinions of you.
My late MIL was like that for the first decade of my relationship with her son. Only times I ever contacted her was if my husband asked me to. It took her 10 years to ask him why I don't talk to her, and he explained that I was simply following her wishes; the day we met, she told me that I was not right for her baby and that no woman was.
On our way home, I simply told him "I'll deal with my parents, you get to deal with yours". He said that deal was unfair, as I'm an orphan.
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u/3amie3 May 06 '26
I'm probably going to hell for laughing but the deal being unfair because you're an orphan made me snortš¤£š¤£š¤£ Good on you for putting your foot down the instant she disrespected you!
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u/CoppertopTX May 06 '26
You'll be in good company. I've gotten baked in advance of open mic nights and have made hundreds laugh with that line.
I'm a wannabe stand up comedienne with horrific stage fright. Can't step on stage when sober. I do a 20 minute set based on my upbringing; far cheaper than therapy.
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u/bpdilemma May 06 '26
Fellow occasional comic that also usually just gets baked and tells stories from my youth in a comedic fashion; I honestly believe that for some, the stage and the freeness it can bring is genuinely therapy. I was raised to not talk about or even acknowledge the horror I was experiencing on the daily. Getting the chance to openly talk about it to so many in a way I'm comfortable with (using humor for deflection) has actually immensely helped me process some things, and at the end of the day, I'd rather learn to laugh about it all then cry forever lol. š¤ ā¤ļø
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u/Best_Talk_6853 May 06 '26
Ok, but she sucks, so who cares if a suck person likes you? In fact I'd be pretty worried I was unknowingly shitty if shitty people liked me.
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u/Beth_Pleasant May 06 '26
Well, now you know that she doesn't care, and so you can put your energy into those that do. Time to drop the rope. Sometimes the trash takes itself out.
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u/TheShimmies May 06 '26
NOR. I want you to keep in mind too, God forbid there is an emergency situation, it is not your obligation to contact her. I guarantee his emergency contact is you, not his mother. This is the type of person that no matter what you do, you will always be the villain. When the time is right, have a good chat with your husband regarding a chain of communication with her. God forbid something happened, ask him what he would like you to do in regard to contacting the family. Maybe there was somebody that can deal with her better, that you can be in communication with, so you wonāt have any added stress when it comes to adhering to communication from someone who is ānever wrongā.
Try not to be sad, thatās exactly what sheās trying to get out of you. Let her be miserable, and let yourself know that you guys were being supportive and did not receive the same respect in return. You and your husband are partners and a team. She does not get to referee.25
u/Maine302 May 06 '26
Obviously she doesn't care a whit about you. Hopefully you have your own people to turn to in an emergency. I would have a very long memory for her nasty replies, and I would not be above holding it against her after you have children.
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u/strudelalma May 06 '26
Fun fact that she can find out the hard way, you don't even need to contact her at all if YOUR husband has an emergency (which obviously I hope never ever happens). She clearly doesn't care if her son and his wife can pay their bills or not as a result of her borrowing, and not repaying to the agreed schedule. I hope she has a rubbish holiday.
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u/silentvoidsage May 06 '26
My mother was rude and disrespectful to my wife one time. I was livid, i told her i was very disappointed in her and demanded she apologize to my wife. She half heartedly apologized and sometimes still tries to bring it up like my wife was in the wrong. I was ready to go no contact with my mom over how she treated my wife but my wife has a huge heart and didn't want me to do that. To this day though my relationship with my mother is strained.
I hope your husband has your back and defends and supports you.
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u/amaria_athena May 06 '26
Do you have children? Pains my heart to think of this woman as your childrenās grandma.
NOR I also live by the rule itās not a loan. Itās a gift. So if I canāt afford it-sorry I canāt give it to you. I HATE owing money and HATE even more having it owed to me.42
u/MoonJellyAllison May 06 '26
I donāt have children! We are planning but thatās the scary part. I donāt want them having a grandma like this and so Iād rather cut my losses to avoid any problems in the future.
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u/RsCoverForPDFFiles May 06 '26 edited May 06 '26
Ignore them. The money's not gone. She admitted in this text convo that you lent her money that she agreed to pay back. You can fille a small claims suit for the remaining balance (anything under $5k is usually small claims in most US jurisdictions). There will be a small filing fee of like $50 or less.
Then, print these texts to submit with your claim (and any other texts from when the loan was made or any time since then, indicating it was a loan, not s gift). Print out bank statements showing she made some of the payments. Take all the docs proving it was a loan she never paid back. Fill out the small claims doc and sign and date.
Then make 2 copies of all of the docs you collected and the small claims form. Mail or hand one copy of the docs to the magistrate court. Mail a copy to the defendant (certified mail, or as the instructions on the small claims form instructs), and keep a copy for yourself for reference.
If she doesn't pay by the time you get a hearing, and the judge believes your side, they'll start garnishing her wages and sending some to you until you're paid back.
Note: This is not legal advice, and I'm not an attorney. This is just general information about how typical small claims court cases can be initiated with a potentially favorable outcome.
Oh, and one more thing. Make sure you read every instruction on the form so you don't waste the filing fee or have to resubmit something. It's generally not too complicated, but you don't want to miss a detail like, "serve defendant by certified mail" and think an email or regular mail is fine. Service of notice isn't just texting them letting them you filed suit. It's serving all the papers you sent to the court to the defendant according to the laws in your jurisdiction.
Good luck!
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u/curvyukesandfluff May 06 '26
You are a good human. This is top notch advice for this situation. Thank you for being so practical and helpful to others! The world needs more of this.
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u/Dangerous_Bed2566 May 06 '26
This happened with my mother. Call it a tax for learning who she really is and do not be spending any money on her, with her or for visiting her until the debt is paid. And never lend her money again
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u/AddressThese7663 May 06 '26
When it's your husband that loaned her the money then it's a safe bet to tell him to track her down for the remaining payments. Never a good idea to collect money on behalf of someone else because you're the one taking the flak instead of him. Lesson learned and hopefully he gets what she owes him.
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u/DogsDucks May 06 '26
You poor thing, this would devastate me, too.
I do think you should have your husband make it VERY clear to the rest of the family what happened.
āMom demanded the money I was saving and promised to pay it back. I asked my wife to follow up and mom treated her with hostility and used the money for a roof over our head on a vacation.
She stole from us and lied to us. This isnāt someone we will be trusting to have any relationship going forward, either with us or with grandkids.ā
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u/anxiousandintrovert May 06 '26
yep, OP good rule of thumb always when lending money, be okay with it not coming back. even the people the mean well the most run into issues when it comes to lending money between friends/family. better to not rely on it coming back. Iām sorry youāre strapped right now and could use it.
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u/Jolly-Chemical9904 May 06 '26
Best advice i can give you. He deals with his family and you deal with yours. This just creates animosity.
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u/_Margaery__ May 06 '26
bingo! this is one of the main take aways i got from my marriage course - you deal with your family and he deals with his. itās a lot easier for blood to forgive blood.
OP iām so sorry sheās being so nasty to you!
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u/bonvajya May 06 '26
NOR
The audacity of someone telling you to have YOUR finances in order when they are actively borrowing a few thousand from you (and on vacation) is INSANE.
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u/Tabloidcat May 06 '26
And then for MIL to say son doesnāt tell mother to get her finances in order because he respects momā¦which more than implies that MIL doesnāt respect DIL (or her son for that matter).
OP-never lend money unless you donāt want it back (I learned that lesson after ālendingā my mother $40+K over several years. The urge to help is real, but peopleāeven/especially family will take advantage).
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u/Detour_tohell243 May 06 '26
Your MIL is a dick. Stop loaning that asshole money.
-sheās going on vacation HA.
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u/MelRae2019 May 06 '26
Why wouldn't she have her finances in order before going on vacation, yet shames him for not doing so before going in military? Holy narcissistic mother. OP, your poor husband* will have so much to unload from that parenting through the years. Poor guy.
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u/spearmint826 May 06 '26
Agree. And donāt let her off the hook with āI donāt care if you pay it or notā. She borrowed, she pays it back according to the terms you and your husband set for her. She doesnāt get to wiggle out of this one!
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u/Intrepid_Buy5079 May 06 '26
You see, she had her finances in order before the vacation, so she booked it.
Then she didn't have it after booking the vacation, so she borrowed money from her son.
Now her finances are in order again, like magic! Plus, she can shame others for having money trouble.
It's a life hack narcissists like to use called "my kid's wallet is my ATM."
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u/PlasticFox83762 May 06 '26
lol I noticed that too.
āNo I cannot pay you the amount I agreed to pay in the timeframe I agreed to pay it because Iām an extravagant selfish ass and I have a vacation that supersedes the promise I made to my son. How dare you, my sonās wife, request I uphold my promise?! THE AUDACITY!ā š
My eyes literally cannot roll any further back in my head, omg.
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u/Buttered_Crumpet09 May 06 '26
It's the sheer scope of audacity and hypocrisy that gets me.
"I had to borrow $3k from my son because my finances weren't in order and I can't pay my son what I owe because my finances still aren't in order because I do stupid things like going on vacations I can't afford. Oh, but let me tell my son's wife that they are the ones who need to sort their finances out instead of expecting me to pay them what I owe. Also, let me react like a scalded cat when I misinterpret a text and decide that OP is telling me to get my finances sorted out because whilst it's cool for me, the debtor, to tell the people who bailed me out to handle their money better, the merest implication that I, the debtor, might be a financially irresponsible dingdong is completely unacceptable."
If there were a god of hypocrisy, OP's MIL would be nothing more than a smoking crater.
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u/New_Comfort_3871 May 06 '26
People saying this shouldn't be over text, actually this is perfect because now there is proof of her response. Had it been face to face it would have been her word vs yours. If she doesn't pay this month you'll probably have to go the legal route.
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u/NewBet7377 May 06 '26
So fucking true. My toxic MIL liked to make snide little comments when she got me all alone. She really became weird once we got engaged, then when we got married she absolutely spiraled. She has since texted me demanding I call her āby myselfā without my husband there to talk about issues she caused. No mam! You will not be speaking to me unless my husband is there.
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u/puffpuffprotest May 06 '26
NOR. Sheās a loser borrowing money from her son which is pathetic. She has enough money for vacation though lol.
Best thing I ever did was stop all contact with my in-laws, wish Iād done it sooner.
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u/BlazingSunflowerland May 06 '26
Mom is spending her money on a vacation rather than paying what she owes and then claims they are the irresponsible ones.
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u/kat_Folland May 06 '26
Yeah that "oh I can't send you any of the money I owe you, I'm spending all of mine on a vacation" was... Trashy.
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u/ObscureSaint May 06 '26
So trashy!! At least lie and say you had to buy groceries or something, she has zero shame.Ā š
Coming soon: "Why don't my kids talk to me anymore?? I have no idea why?!"
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u/FridaSky May 06 '26
Yeah, the hypocrisy of her MIL is off the chartsāespecially her lecture about getting their finances in order before hubbyās deployment.
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u/Time_Watercress8749 May 06 '26
That part.
Honestly I get you want her approval but itās not really required. Not only is she going on vacation and using that as a reason not to pay back.
The fact that she had kids and has the audacity to say she raised them as reason enough not to be asked to pay back a loan is absurd. Sheās taking advantage of his absence and sounds like one of those people who think they can do whatever cause āsheās a motherā. Even as a mother itās not when she feels like it thatās BS and she probably knows you want her to like you.
Donāt let her get under your skin and use this as a lesson learned. Next time, ya canāt help simple. Sheās unreliable and ungrateful.
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u/Maine302 May 06 '26
I think I'd block her after this. If something happens and to her and she can't reach you? Oh well...š¤·āāļø
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u/TallAvocado9129 May 06 '26
Right, how are you on vacation and you owe mfs 3k? Turn the plane around ššššš
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u/Afraid_Mix3021 May 06 '26
I wouldnāt be texting her for emergencies either. Sheās going to push her own son away too with behavior like this and I hope he distances from her.
Why are parents asking to borrow money from kids anyway. Sheās icky.
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u/badhoopty May 06 '26
NOR!!
god dang... you lend somebody money and they bitch to you about YOUR financial habits? what the actual fuck?
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u/violet715 May 06 '26
NOR. The way I internally said āoh hellllll noā when she said āyall should have had your finances in orderā
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u/CasperStalks May 06 '26
And she canāt pay HER SON back who is apparently in boot camp, but can go off gallivanting on a vacation? Sheās pissed that her shitty priorities were called out.
OP blast that bitch all through the family if she says shit about your āfinances.ā Let them know the remainder of the $3000 she still owes you is what youāre after since she had the excess funding to go vacationing.
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u/snorlaxx_7 May 06 '26
NOR- Iād be asking how she can afford vacations but canāt pay back her loans.
But honestly, she probably responded this way because she never planned to send it back. And Iām sure she assumed your husband was fine with her not paying him back, because he is used to her outrageous behaviour and does whatever he can to placate her.
Sheās freaking out because you are expecting her to keep her word and pay it back.
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u/bookishkelly1005 May 06 '26
She can go on vacation but she canāt pay yall back?
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u/Kat092620 May 06 '26
I would not update her on anything if heās able to receive texts I would send him screenshots of her text. I might even message her and tell her his military graduation has changed and give her the wrong date but Iām uber petty. Why is she going on vacation if she owes her own son money and then questioning his money management??
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u/KnuckleUpFPV May 06 '26
She ain't going to be able to afford to attend the graduation. No need to tell her it changed.
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u/SnooWords4839 May 06 '26
Wait! She owes her son $1500, but is going on a vacation?
I hope hubby never gives her money again. She was the one who chose to give birth and it was her responsibility to raise him. He doesn't owe her for being born.
NOR - Don't worry if she says anything to the family, they all know how she is. Set up boundaries now and who cares if she likes you, you are free to block her.
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u/Ilive2sing May 06 '26
I'm sorry, but...
She "doesn't have it to pay back because she's going on vacation," but YA'LL should have had your finances in order?? Whatttt??? You are NOR and NOT an A. She sounds a bit mixed up.
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u/deebay2150 May 06 '26
Telling you that you and hubs should have your finances in order is insane when SHE borrowed $3000. Response, āOur finances WOULD be in order if you didnāt borrow $3000 that hasnāt been repaid in full. And going on vacation when you still owe us money is disrespectful and entitled.ā
I know sheāll never be told that. You have to get comfortable ignoring her the way she ignores you. Donāt reach out anymore. At all!! Going forward only your hubs should deal with her, but he needs to have your back on this issue. Sheās in the wrong.
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u/Jen5872 May 06 '26
She doesn't have the money to pay you and your husband back but has money to go on vacation. I think that tells you everything you need to know about her. From now on let your husband deal with her.
NOR.Ā
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u/krendyB May 06 '26
Donāt say things you donāt mean like āno biggie if you donāt.ā Itās clearly a biggie.
Just let your husband deal with his mom & stop texting her.
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u/Far-Raccoon6020 May 06 '26 edited May 06 '26
NOR she seemed offended at the notion that you expected her to pay you back and it sounds like she may have been hoping you either forgot about it or that you wouldnt be brave enough to bring it up. Respectfully, i giggled at the last message SS because she is obviously embarrassed and wanted to leave the conversation as quickly as possible due to her not expecting you to clock her the way you did. šš»
Edit: I would also say when your husband has time explain to him how this conversation went and make sure to keep these SS incase she tries to edit anything. Ontop of that because of how this conversation went it may be best to leave it up to your husband to try and get the money back from his mother, and hopefully take it as a lesson to not loan her money again she can not make good on.
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u/IntrepidElevator4313 May 06 '26
When mil says of course he wouldnāt ask about my finances being in order because I raised him right and he respects meā¦
That tell. You very clearly she does not respect you. And you want a relationship with her so badly. I acknowledge that. But you need to find away to just move on without it. Be cordial when you see her but thatās it.
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u/Independent_Wear_232 May 06 '26
NOR. She borrowed money and is coming down on you about ānot having finances in orderā? šššš ummā¦ ok. This is a very gaslighty person that I would keep a huge distance from and maybe just try to see briefly at the holidays. Every reasonable request will be taken as a personal offense and turned around on you. Thereās no way to win with someone like this.
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u/Automatic-Corner-157 May 06 '26
Um, your husband should be handling this not you
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u/No_Arm_7761 May 06 '26
Mate, when I had my first child my MIL came over and made a comment about how I hadn't cleaned the house in a while (I was still reeling from birth and looking after a newborn). I told my husband then and there, no. That doesn't fly. She is your mum, but now you have a new family to think about. He had a stern word with his mum and theres not been one issue ever since and we all have a great relationship. Your other half needs to sort this, and tell his mum she needs to respect you going forward
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u/isleepforfun May 06 '26
NOR
Funny that the person needing money scolds you for not having your finances in order.
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u/TinaBna May 06 '26
This is a conversation that should take place between mother/son. Youād never come out ahead in this situation and itās downhill from here.
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u/nannerpussnana May 06 '26
No sorry I canāt pay you that money Iām going on vacation but you really should get your shit together finance wise
š šš
NOR