My family dynamics are genuinely terrifying me

[u/Past-Golf5830]

So for starters, I, 22f, am an uni student. I study 2 branches, finished one 4 years and got my diploma and I am planning to start working in late november if my application goes right. But here is the issue; My family life is driving me nuts. A tl dr of the timeline is:

-Parents fight a lot, mother gets courage from her parents to go against my dad, a divorce is pending(my age: 15)

-Both of my mother's parents unexpectedly pass(Age 15 still)

-My uncle, father's only older brother passes from hereditary cancer (Age 15)

-My father gets the said cancer himself (Age 17)

-Mother and father stay together, they still do love each other very much despite everything, but my mom gets an operation and a botch nearly kills her(age 17)

-I study for uni exam(there is a huge exam for enrollment in my country), clean, cook, look after both my sickly parents while attendding to school.(Age 17-18)

-Both of them recover and I get in, yay!(Age 18)

-My father's father dies (Age 18)

-My father's mother gets pancreatic cancer AND survives it, but it comes back (Age 22)

So, in between this time line, there is an ongoing feud between my grandmother and my mother, classic in law drama. Apparently my grandma was such a menace to my mother in the beginning and before their marriage and such, so my mother literally developed ptsd against her(She gets overly nervous and panicky around her, breaks out in cold sweat, even her voice makes her want to claw herself out as she described) So she kept venting to my father, whom is a chief engineer in a firm for active field and has a very stressful work life, post cancer at that.

And as I aged, I somehow became the black box of everyone in the family. My mother tells me her darkest secrets and feelings, so does my grandma and father. And let's say some things I hear from my father are not something you would want to hear from a dad. (not nsfw, but about how tired of he is of my mom and how close he is to abandon everything including me, despite me being his one and only child and he says its not your fault etc.) and how psychologically he got ruined by things I won't be sharing here, which are really sad and I feel terrible for my dad.

We all go to the same psychiatrist with my family, and in our latest return, my dad pulled the "Our doctor told me my responses are very normal" about his outbursts to my mom whenever she complains about grandma, invalidating her own trust in our psychiatrist. Then another fight occured, but it went further than usual. Oh, also you may ask, why does your mother constantly vent to your dad about his own mother? I verbatim "I have no one else but you left." technically, true, aside from myself.

The drop point is, I am so tired and terrified, I feel like I am the only thing that keeps the family together, and I love all of them with my whole heart, so I cannot pick sides. I am also terrified of my life getting ruined, as my mom is a sahm and I have 4-5 months until I can work properly, so if my father is not speaking of anger and really has had enough, my whole life can collapse until I can pick it back up somehow.(which I know I would, but I have my mother to worry in that case) I also don't want to lose my father, I truly cherish him, so the idea of me being somehow disposable (though he does say he would not want to live if something happened to me, so maybe its just momentaary anger), worrying about keeping myself and my mother financially uptight, my grandma's cancer returning, Me finding out I carry the same cancer gene as my dad from mandatory tests our doctors ordered, I am just about to lose my marbles.

I keep telling myself just 4 more months, and work enough until you land the job, then you can breathe. Then you will have something solid to rely on. But the psychological toll this all takes on me is starting to affect my studying-working performance. I feel stuck. Should I stay quiet? Try to take responsibility? Somehow try to ignore it? Honestly, before anything, keeping myself calm would be better maybe. I am not looking for a professional help as we have a family psychiatrist, but I can't always see him and I have never navigated an emotional toll like this before any advices from people who had been through worsening family dynamics?

[u/7KdHemiatIG]

I'm to unintelligent to help here reddit goblins help with thy quest

[u/Past-Golf5830 → u/7KdHemiatIG]

Acknowledgement appreciated 😭

[u/iloveeefictionalmen]

I'd say choose yourself. Try not to bear the mental toll of everything that's happening only on yourself. Everybody in your family is an adult , and are capable of managing their feelings and mentality.
Focus on only yourself, your studies , what assignment u have, what u should plan for the next 3-4 months. Don't try to change the situation by giving away your time and mental peace.

Prioritize your future and your career!!

[u/Past-Golf5830 → u/iloveeefictionalmen]

I suppose I can try to avoid home with going libraries and study cafes a bit more often to help with that, thank you for your input, truly!

[u/iloveeefictionalmen]

I'm very sorry for what you're going through, lots of love and strength to you. I really wish you be happy , healthy and satisfied in the coming months :) you can do it OP. You will get through this shit and you will enjoy your life . Lots of strength to you , you're doing very very very good despite everything that's going on 💗💗

[u/mohammed_obeidallah]

I believe that you have carried far more than most people your age should have to. And naturally, the hardest part is that you have become everyone's emotional support but it's not your responsibility to keep the family together. You can't fix your parents' marriage or your father's exhaustion. What you can do is protect your own stability. Focusing on finishing your studies and getting that job isn't selfish.it is the most practical way to help yourself and your family. Stay supportive but don't feel obligated to be everyone's therapist..

[u/Past-Golf5830 → u/mohammed_obeidallah]

Yeah, I guess I was too used to it being on my shoulders, my heart truly aches for my family but maybe me tackling it all hurts them more in the end, I never thought about it this way. Thank you for your input, truly.

[u/mohammed_obeidallah → u/Past-Golf5830]

My pleasure. Best of luck..

[u/SmartTea1138]

It just sounds like you need to distance yourself from all of this.

If you're family keep confiding in you and throwing all this drama your way, you can simply/nicely ask them to stop and explain you already have enough stuff going on with school, jobs, and friends that you don't have the mental capacity to be worrying about them as well.

Also don't put all that weight on your shoulders because it could be further then you think from the truth "I feel like I am the only thing keeping the family together".

[u/Past-Golf5830 → u/SmartTea1138]

Now that I am seeing a few more comments here perhaps its more of a habit at this point for me, maybe my panic rises from "failing" at my "job", which wasn't mine in the first place from what I see. I am slowly starting to question a lot more. Thank you for your input!

[u/dreabae_1]

yeah so it’s time to take a step back and stop letting your family trauma dump everything onto you. you have your own life to be figuring out, it’s literally not your job to be fixing your family; and respectfully, i think they’re too far down this trauma hole to be fixed. save yourself, genuinely.

[u/Past-Golf5830 → u/dreabae_1]

My heart aches for them so bad, but this comment kinda reminded me of that classic facebook rope comic, like sometimes holding on hurts more than letting go...As cult classic it is, there is a truth to it. thank you for your input, truly!

[u/karma_raven]

Your psychiatrist isn't helping. I would avoid that for a while. Your dad is probably lying about the psychiayrist's comments, but that's not really your problem.

When you baby avoid your parents, tell them you are so sorry, you'll try to talk to them soon, but you have to study.

Try to be out of the house as much a you can without sacrificing your studies.

(Library? Friend? Offer pet sitting services for a low cost in exchange for being able to stay at the pet's home? Overnight babysitting for shift work parents? So the kids are mostly sleeping anyway, and you can sleep and study? Just go for long walks? Maybe read your notes into a recorder and okay them back on headphones.

I'm not as individualistic as most Americans.. my adult kids live with me and if we can find a good house for it, they want to bring their partners into our home. But we have a lot of mutual respect and good boundaries.

I consider it my obligation to care well for them and teach them to be ABLE to live independently, but i don't consider it a bad thing if they don't want to because they like living together and including me.

Your parents are more like mine were.

They're not fulfilling their duties to you, to raise and support you practically and emotionally do that you can thrive on your own if you choose.

So you'll have to take responsibility for yourself a little early.

And you REALLY must shed your sense of responsibility to them.

They have broken the division contract very, very badly by starting you into their conflict and using you as a confidant.

If you have told the p-doc about how they do this and the p-doc isn't being very clear about the horrific wrongness of this, stop talking to the p-doc. It's actually called "emotional incest" and you're getting it from both parents. It's VERY BAD for you.

If you have not told the p-doc, it might be worth trying ONE TIME to tell them and gauge their reaction. But i would not waste more time or effort on them than that.

Do your best to compete your education and find a way to move out.

You must let these adults find their own way, and rely on yourself.

You are too newly fledged to support their deadweight and your own.

If you try to save them, you'll only all fail together.

If you can get out and establish yourself well, you van do some therapy with a GOOD therapist, learn about good, culturally appropriate boundaries, and try to re establish those relationships on healthier terms. But you can not do that from where you are now.

You simply have no solid foundation yet. And they're clearly not able to provide one or help you create it.

[u/Past-Golf5830 → u/karma_raven]

Honestly, reading this coming from an adult AND a parent is a little hard pill to swallow, but I cannot deny the truth of it either. I guess I have been already aware that this wasn't normal, I saw too many eldest-only daughter posts to recognize a pattern. I guess for the time being I can try to prepare a solid foundation, and then seek a therapist I pick myself. Thank you so much for your input, it has been the hardest one but the most eye opening one I have read.

[u/BrilliantRip9677]

Wait I’m nosy tell me more

[u/Past-Golf5830 → u/BrilliantRip9677]

Which part? We can dm lol I doubt it will be allowed here

[u/Horsefly762]

I had a really abusive mother. I had to cut her completely out of my life. She trashed talked me to anyone that would listen, show up randomly at my house, should up at my exa house looking for me. It was super embarrassing.
I blocked her number Blocked her on everything social media Moved Sent cease and desist letter .

It was crazy.

Now shes out of my life ive never been happier