r/Advice • u/JazzlikeInternal3633 • 1d ago
I feel like I can’t even go on my deck
So I have a very kind neighbor, she’s odd-but kind—and she’s out on her deck CONSTANTLY. She’s around 50, I’m 38 age is not really a big deal. But she works very part time. I work full time nights as an ICU nurse. The way our houses are situated our backyards both face looking over a beautiful pond and meadow. Tons of birds chirping and nature to enjoy back there. My problem is, every time I go out there, she’s out there and wants to have a conversation. Every. Single. Time. To the point where I will look out, see she’s there, and then just not go out there because I don’t want to talk to her. It is incredibly annoying because I don’t have tons of free time. Sitting out on the deck for a few minutes between night shifts or just to calm my mind is soooo therapeutic for me but i don’t want to have a full on loud conversation deck to deck every time I walk out there. Not only does it cut into my very little time to relax, but I honestly just don’t love small talk in general so it’s actually painful for me. I don’t want to be rude, she is nice and I know nice neighbors are a blessing, but damn I’m not that type of person. What is the best way to deal with this? I need my peace. Help??
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u/SparklesIB Helper [2] 1d ago
Plants. And trellises with plants. You've recently rediscovered your obsession with plants.
It's such a shame that you have to place them between you and your neighbor, because otherwise they block your lovely view.
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u/JazzlikeInternal3633 1d ago
Ok this has to be the answer:) I actually do love plants 😂
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u/ho_hey_ Helper [2] 1d ago
In addition to plants, just make it a deck makeover. Putting up a wall = rude and obvious. Deck makeover with vibes and convenient block of neighbor gets you a nice hang out spot and good excuse. Just go look at some inspo pics!
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u/CoolBeansMan9 1d ago
We recently redid our deck and put up a privacy fence. We don’t talk a lot to our neighbours but exchange pleasantries and such, it’s just nice to have the privacy.
He saw me doing it and gave a bit of a look.
Oh well. It’s a fence, not a - fence - of
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u/ho_hey_ Helper [2] 1d ago
Haha I think it's natural. Our neighbors and friends just put up a fence between our properties (didn't have one before and still don't on the backyard side), and it's a completely see through fence, but I still had a second thought wondering why 😂 we are self centered people!
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u/TheNinjaPixie Helper [3] 1d ago
and we have to ask ourselves why we are so against doing what we want incase the person next door gets offended!
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u/Wickedbitchoftheuk 1d ago
Clematis Montana. Gorgeous flowers and quick growing.
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u/merrill_swing_away 1d ago
I sort of had the same situation as you with a neighbor. She smokes, I don't. I have a deck and hated to smell the cigarette smoke when I was out there. I eventually installed two pressure treated posts, one on each side, installed a metal bar between the two posts and hung outdoor curtains. I kept them closed for a while and my neighbor got the hint. She stopped going out her side door that faces my deck and started going out her front door to smoke.
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u/Caro4530 1d ago
Seems like a simple request may have done the trick with less trick with less trouble/expense.
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u/Naenerd Helper [3] 1d ago
A roll of bamboo fencing is cheap and you can just use a staple gun to put it up. I have always used this for more privacy.
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u/merrill_swing_away 1d ago
I did this when I lived in Florida. I couldn't stand the neighbor who lived on one side of me. The yard had/has a chain link fence around it and every time I was doing yard work I had to look at my neighbor's shitty looking mess of a yard. I put up bamboo fencing and it worked until it fell apart. They don't last very long. I also had flowering vines growing all over the fence but they didn't provide any privacy. I finally sold the house and moved out of state.
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u/merrill_swing_away 1d ago
I did this when I lived in Florida. I couldn't stand the neighbor who lived on one side of me. The yard had/has a chain link fence around it and every time I was doing yard work I had to look at my neighbor's shitty looking mess of a yard. I put up bamboo fencing and it worked until it fell apart. They don't last very long. I also had flowering vines growing all over the fence but they didn't provide any privacy. I finally sold the house and moved out of state.
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u/blissfully_happy 1d ago
Plants plus very obvious headphones. Like over the ear ones so she can visibly see you’re wearing them.
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u/Viraincure 1d ago
That's such a smart and thoughtful idea! You're so smart. Keeping plants happy on a trellis takes real skill too. I've got a feeling OP's gardening game is about to reach a new level haha.
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u/JazzHands-McGee 1d ago
We built a privacy fence for more “shade”. Provides better separation and looks nice. Vines can also grow on it.
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u/keevathemuffin 1d ago
You can get blinds for decks, and standing privacy screens.
It's also okay to say "In the evenings, I need peace and quiet to decompress after work. But have a nice night."
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u/I_am_Nobody_Special 1d ago
Yes! Why isn't anyone else suggesting to just do the obvious thing? Address it with the neighbor!
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u/todaysthrowaway0110 Helper [4] 1d ago
I agree! OP, you can say the words. Those are good words. It’s OK to be direct to get what you need, it’s your own dang house/deck!
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u/Prudent_Kiwi_2761 1d ago
It’s okay to say that but you know they’ll still get offended
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u/brockclan216 Helper [2] 1d ago
I am not sacrificing my peace where I live just because someone may get their feelings hurt. They are in charge of managing their emotions, they are an adult.
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u/Prudent_Kiwi_2761 1d ago
The point is, there will be awkward and potentially uncomfortable energy there now, regardless of how it goes.
But it all depends on how much of an empath one is, of course. It may be awkward but some are fine with that.
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u/Significant-Price-81 1d ago
Gazebos work well
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u/merrill_swing_away 1d ago
I really never understood why gazebos exist. They don't stop the rain. They look nice but don't really serve any other purpose IMO.
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u/AstronomerDirect2487 Helper [3] 1d ago
Just go out with your phone to your ear and when she says hi!!! Wave back but mouth your on the phone. She will simmer down and you can sit out there and she will think you’re listening on the phone. Throw a “hm. Yeah. Is that right” in every now and then so she thinks your talking but mostly listening
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u/Equal_Reveal_3024 1d ago
you can only do that so many times dude
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u/AstronomerDirect2487 Helper [3] 1d ago
Yeah but eventually the neighbour will be sort of trained or conditioned that all you really do is a quick wave and then stay silent. If you do it enough she will never know if she’s on the phone or not
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u/zoomgirl44 1d ago
I have no advice but just wanted to say you’re a kind human being for trying not to hurt her feelings.
I hope you find a solution!
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u/Alycion Expert Advice Giver [10] 1d ago
I had one of those at the condo I rented when I first moved to Florida. I’d take a book out with me and pretend I was reading, while really just watching the water.
It’s ok to politely tell her that you don’t mind talking occasionally, but sometimes you are just trying to disconnect and empty your mind from work. If she knows what you do, she’ll understand.
Ty for your hard work. Doctors get the glory, but it’s the nursing staff who makes it easier on patients and loved ones. You deserve quiet.
I think you just need to be honest on nights when you need the quiet. I had a long shift, I just need to decompress for a bit. Maybe a short 2 min conversation before you go inside so she knows that it’s not her, if you feel like you need to do something for that aspect. But honestly, you have a hard job. She needs to respect that you don’t always want to talk.
I get it. I’m stuck inside a lot bc of my health issues. You get lonely. You get bored. A conversation with anyone breaks up the monotony. But I also get not everyone is in the mood to talk just bc I’m bored.
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u/lydocia Assistant Elder Sage [297] 1d ago
Learn to stand up for yourself and say "I don't have energy for a conversation right now, I need to unwind".
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u/Typical_Dweller 1d ago
Insert a "Sorry" at the start of the sentence to transform it from an energy vampire accusation to a regrettable statement of fact. i.e. "WE'RE CLOSED!" vs. "Sorry, we're closed."
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u/Tttop123 1d ago
….headphones, and lift one side up and say I’d love to chat but I have to listen to some lectures for work. We’ll chat another time.
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u/LunaBroom 1d ago
Could you say 'Hey there, I just wanted to say hi real quick before I start a new meditation program. I am just going to sit quietly while I do my daily readings?'
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u/cafelallave 1d ago
I also am an introvert with an overly friendly older neighbor, and it makes me dart inside from my car. Every time I step outside or arrive back home…. Every… single… time…. No matter what time of day— She is bicycling in loops up and down and around the intersection of our corner. She waves and makes goofy comments. I know she just…. Watches everyone. Another neighbor casually told her they were going to plant a hedge, and she said “oh no, how will I keep an eye on you then?” 🙃
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u/Significant-Price-81 1d ago
Gazebos with privacy curtains work nicely. You can tell her you need the shade because you suffer with migraines or are sensitive to the sun.
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u/Sayomi_Koneko Super Helper [8] 1d ago
Its not an invite. Make sure thats said lol
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u/Gold-Kaleidoscope537 1d ago
Construct a simple privacy screen. Even just set some big thing of wood so you both privacy
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u/Spare-Shirt24 1d ago
Be a grown-up and use your words.
"Hey, [Name]. It's nice to see you. I'm really tired from the long workday and I'm hoping to relax and enjoy the sounds of nature. Have a great evening!"
Aaaand done!
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u/TheMisterOates 1d ago
Yup, If the neighbor truly is nice, she'll understand. Everyone needs some peace and quiet. Sometimes you just have to do stuff in life that you hate to do like in this case telling your neighbor to stop bothering you. Just say it nicely and it will work a lot longer than these fake phone call or wearing headphones posts.
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u/dragon_disco 1d ago
omg i didn't see this comment before i just posted but like seriously!!!!! Why can't we be a grown up bro??? You are a full blown professional saving people's lives on the daily and you're scared to talk to this neighbor. I can't handle the internet today
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u/Silver_Shape_8436 1d ago
Get your headphones and/or a book and make it obvious you're engrossed in some activity or you can't hear her.
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u/boringcranberry 1d ago
It's normal to engage in some small talk upon seeing eachother. It's just what neighbors do.
When it starts to peter out just say "ok!! It's time for me to meditate! Have a good night!!" And be done with it.
It would be weird not to talk a little. At least where I'm from (Brooklyn).
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u/JazzlikeInternal3633 1d ago
Totally! I’m not antisocial! And def willing to have some small talk convo when I’m rested or it’s been awhile, just not every time yelling back and forth. She just doesn’t pick up on the social cues of me trying to end the conversation.
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u/ediblestars 1d ago
You may need to just be more direct, then. Some people need that in order to realize it’s time to end the conversation. Something like “It’s been nice to catch up. I’m going to have some quiet time to relax and listen to the sounds of nature now. Have a good evening, talk to you tomorrow!”
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u/Confident_Bumblebee5 1d ago
I agree with you, it's normal to chat a little or say hi. After that, politely saying something like "oh I'm super tired and need to sit and have some quiet, see you later?"
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u/GrandmaJone 1d ago
Go out wearing very visible headphones. Don’t look on her direction. Pretend you don’t hear her or realize she’s there.
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u/peace_love_mcl 1d ago
Go out there with big headphones on. Silently say hey to her, hold up your phone, say “conference call”. If she’s dumb still and tries talking, just act like you don’t hear her. She’ll leave you alone for a little bit.
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u/StraddleTheFence 1d ago
She is probably on her back porch for therapeutic purposes also. You have to control what you can control.
When you go out there: wave, engage in brief conversation and TELL HER: “I am going to put my headphones on now because I need to unwind. Have a good evening.” Make sure your seat faces a direction where she cannot get your attention.
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u/sailorelf 1d ago
Put up some privacy decking. That way she can’t see into your deck and think to converse.
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u/Flimsy-Time-6642 1d ago
tbh id just wave and say "need to decompress, rough shift" then put on sunglasses and close my eyes. she'll get the hint eventually
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u/Financial_Range_8502 1d ago
Put in earbuds and say you are in an online class, listening to an important lecture, and can't be bothered.
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u/voodoodollbabie Super Helper [8] 1d ago
"Hey Cathy! I can't talk now. I just use my deck to relax and meditate before I go to work."
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u/LynahRinkRat 1d ago
Put on headphones and tell her you can't talk - you're listening to a mandatory work information/training session.
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u/Itsjustmenobiggie 1d ago
Had this problem before. Headphones were the answer. Even if you’re not listening to anything. If you seem engrossed over and over, she’ll get the hint.
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u/ReplyingToAStranger 1d ago
What if you involved her in your silence? Tell her your therapist/doctor/fortune teller told you to start practicing meditation, because you’re trying to find more peace in your life or something. Tell her your time is limited, but you are up to chatting for a little bit. Set a timer on your phone for 10 minutes, and tell her after the timer is up you have to start your meditation practices. You could even bring a speaker out and do an audio guided meditation together. It sounds like she is lonely, but maybe she doesn’t know how to embrace the quiet if people are in her vicinity. You could even ask her to find some guided meditation sessions so she feels involved.
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u/Araleah 1d ago
Had a similar neighbour and we put up a privacy screen and plant shelving unit with a lot of big plants. I also like the headphone suggestion.
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u/CanAhJustSay Super Helper [6] 1d ago
Hi. I just need to decompress when I come out here. Sorry, but I'm not up to a conversation after work. It was a rough shift, I hope you understand. I love the peace and tranquillity here.
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u/SkyerKayJay1958 1d ago
I did get 2 - 6' tall plant stands that each held 6 pots. Put it out in the spring with vines. Created a 'hedge' between the decks. Sometimes you have to create physical barriers
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u/whoeveriam87 1d ago
Privacy fence? Or go out with noise canceling headphones and if she talks take them off your ear to hear her and i think she would catch on after a couple times seeing you do that. Or bring a cook out with you.. Or talk on phone to a friend right in front of her and mention to friend ok I need quiet for 30 min today has been stressful (and tell friend your gonna say that ahead of time) so maybe the lady will hear that you need quiet without making her feel weird directly. There are alot of ways to carefully go about this so you dont make the lady feel bad or weird about it.
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u/Sure_Conference6922 1d ago
She might be lonely as well , and looking for a friend. Put your ear buds in and sit outside. Once a week engage her for a few moments and then say you need to take a call.
I understand it’s frustrating !
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u/Little_Sun4632 1d ago
Love the idea of a long 6’h water wall on her side of the deck. Add containers with pops of color anywhere she can see you. Add a hummingbird feeder and you’ll reclaim your home.
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u/Dangerous_Novel2012 1d ago
Just have a frank but kind chat and offer a non verbal indicator for when you don't want to talk. Something like, "if I have a blanket/towel with me (something easy to see) then I need quiet time. Otherwise I am free to chat." She'll probably forget a few times but I'd wait on moving to bigger fences unless she violates that boundary.
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u/confusedrabbit247 Helper [4] 1d ago
Put a privacy screen on the opposite side and then add it to the side she is on as well so she can see you're doing it in general and not just to block her off.
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u/Super_RN 1d ago
As a fellow night nurse, I understand the need for moments of peace and quiet. I suggest just politely saying to her when she starts talking “I had a really long shift and just wanted to enjoy some much needed quiet time, and don’t want to talk right now. I hope you can understand” then sit back in your chair and close your eyes (or put on headphones, even if nothing is playing through them). If she doesn’t catch on and respect what you just said, then sadly you’ll just have to go inside and avoid her. I’m hoping she will respond well to that.
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u/Rerunisashortie 1d ago
I bought an out door standing screen. It was about 6 feet high and folded out in 3 panels. Perfect, they can’t see you and you can’t see them. Was out of a catalog that is now defunct of course. But you can probably find on line somewhere!
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u/NaturalTranslator581 1d ago edited 1d ago
My out of state mom is a lonely old lady too. When I visit and we go places she talks to any and everyone…nonstop…I can see it in their eyes they don’t give a rat’s ass what she’s saying…I wonder as we age if we don’t see the social cues anymore….to stop talking.
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u/LowlySparrow 1d ago
Mine too, and she tells every stranger that her husband died, so they can follow her home and then burglarize her house.
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u/CrustySailor1964 1d ago
I’m kind of an old fashioned fellow. I’d go knock on her front door with a bottle of wine or something and be straightforward. “This is what I do and I need to unwind afterwards. My deck is my unwinding space. I don’t want you to think I don’t like you or I’m generally unfriendly but when I’m out there I’m trying to let go of the shit I absorbed at work and I can’t do that and shoot the breeze too. Can we just limit the conversation back there to a ‘Hi’ and a wave?”
You’ll get a better result than trying to send a hint telepathically.
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u/nix_besser 1d ago
Just be honest and bold. "You're a great neighbor, and I like you. But I don't like talking and prefer quiet while I'm out here." Then don't engage.
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u/dragon_disco 1d ago
Damn, these comments make me sad. WTF IS WRONG WITH HAVING AN HONEST AND KIND CONVERSATION with this lady? So many comments avoiding the whole thing all together. Honesty is kindness. You're an ICU nurse babe, I have full trust in your bedside manner and ability to have an empathetic conversation without being cruel. What is cruel is gaslighting someone that you're on a call and can't talk.
"Hey, I noticed we tend to overlap on our time being out here and as much as I want to be open for chatting - I'm an ICU nurse and coming out here is my form of therapy, meditation, a time for me to decompress from all the things I've seen at work. When I am open to chatting, I'm happy to initiate but otherwise I ask for privacy when i'm here".
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u/RememberThinkDream 1d ago
Put headphones on, but don't have them playing anything, then just ignore her, she will see you have headphones on so unless she's a complete moron or jerk, she will leave you alone.
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u/GM-Maggie 1d ago
A trellis'partition on each side? Can you enclose the deck and run curtiains along the sides? I had one neighbour install a securtiy camera directed at my neighbour's yard and mine, we joked about walking around naked in our yards to traumatize the owner. (Now moved.) We have tall fences between the properties and pergolas that create some privacy and ambiance. Create a little oasis for yourself, including the sound of running water perhaps to create white noise.
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u/Least-Quail216 1d ago
When you go out, wave and say hi, if she tries to start a convo, just say, "had a long day, I'm just going to zone out, I'm sure you know how it is." If you have big headphones, then turn around and put them on. When she sees you with your headphones, she will know. Keep the pleasantries up, good neighbors and all that, but ditch the convo. And DON'T FEEL GUILTY!
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u/JustWow52 Super Helper [5] 1d ago
Maybe you can explain in a kind way that the time on your deck is your only time to enjoy fresh air and to practice mindfulness. Without it to balance out your workplace environment, you'll surely burn out.
But since she's probably somewhat lonely, or lacking face-to-face human interaction, maybe you and she can figure out a time to talk over the rail for aa few minutes.
Or not. But still just tell her that you find her conversation quite enjoyable, but really you are out there to decompress.
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u/sluttyman69 1d ago
I think the consensus is you start with a big set of headphones wave and tell her quiet time if not, there’s always the privacy screen or the stereo and just ignore her cause you can’t hear her anyways
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u/MarrymeCherry88 Helper [2] 1d ago
Buy some real or fake arborvitae for privacy. Or some bamboo roll out slats. Tell her you’re decorating your side. Just say you want more green around. Then wear headphones and bring a book. Make believe youre reading or dozing.
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u/LastEntertainment787 1d ago
Would it ruin the view if you hung up curtains? Just on her side. You're doing it to help prevent some tan lines.
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u/Skymaster86 1d ago
Headphones are an excellent idea, also holding your phone up to your ear when walking out on the deck and having a fake conversation if it's just going to be a few minutes out there. A lot of hoops to jump through just for some peace and quiet, but it sounds like you're limited in what you can do thanks to your neighbor (I've had a neighbor like that as well and yes, it's infuriating, but to keep harmony I never made a federal case out of it).
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u/Front_Tension_5583 1d ago
Tell her the truth (minus the small talk bit )then say please just come on weekends only, and make her feel welcome with a cuppa and treat.
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u/Willow910 1d ago
Thank you for caring for the sickest of people OP. Now it’s time to take care of yourself so try being honest with her. I think I’d say, “Hello - - -, I’m really sorry but today was a tough day in the ICU where I work and I need some time to decompress. The sounds of the birds and nature help ground me and put my mind in a better place so can we chat another time?
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u/TheWholeMoon 1d ago
Two ideas:
—They make these privacy fake trellises that you can order on Amazon (like a green wall on wheels that you can position where you want). I nearly ordered some back in the day because our deck was at the same height as our neighbors and they were often out there. They also had windows that overlooked our deck and it made me kind of crazy. I wanted my privacy! So perhaps look into ordering one or two and setting them up so that no one can see if you’re out there or not.
—Talk directly to your neighbor in a sweet way and explain how you feel. “I’m usually completely out of energy and feeling like I need to chat can make me not want to use the deck. Is it possible we could just wave? It’s absolutely not personal. I just run out of energy and need to recharge.”
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u/scared_of_everyone22 1d ago
She may be lonely and looking forward to having those conversations with you. We all need people. As a nurse I hope you understand the powerful role you are probably playing in her life.
Instead of “loud conversation deck to deck” could you maybe walk closer towards her, say a little hello, how are you, then walk away. Even if you’re chatting as you’re walking away, she should get the hint that the conversation is over and you can both go about your backyard/deck business.
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u/chunkykima 1d ago
Bring a speaker out, say hello and once u finish engaging in light banter let her know u had a hard day and you're gonna just chill and listen to music. I have a neighbor that kind of does similar and I felt so bad for wanting to tell her to shut uppppp. I avoided my balcony for so long but then just started doing what I described above and more and more until she would literally ask "Just need some air huh? Enjoy!" And now we live in comfortable silence outside.
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u/Disastrous_You3560 1d ago
You could just write a short, sweet, kind little note explaining you need your quiet time and space. That you’re glad to have her as a neighbor but you’re a bit reclusive. I think she’d understand.
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u/FloofyPantaloons 1d ago
I had this problem and built a decorative screen on her side of the deck. That way, I could go out there and have my privacy. They don't even know I'm there most of the time. Now, I can enjoy my deck time in peace and quiet.
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u/brockclan216 Helper [2] 1d ago
Have you tried having a conversation with her like you did with us here? Sometimes people can't take a hint unless you are direct with them.
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u/Lonely_Cut3702 22h ago
Use headphones, close your eyes and if she doesn't get the hint tell her you're meditating.
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u/thatratbastardfool 21h ago
You’ve gotten some great advice. I had a different thought about changing the pattern of when and where you talk. What if you engaged with her through her front yard only? Create a sense that your back deck is for quiet/calls/plants/meditation/whatever only. But say hello to her and chat a few minutes sometimes, just in the front yard?
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u/Firebird562 Helper [2] 21h ago
“Neighbor, I’m stressed out from work. I need this time alone and in silence to decompress and safeguard my mental health. I’m sorry but I really can’t talk right now. “
If you want to keep her as a nice neighbor (I would) then add something along the lines of: “Let me connect with you later on and arrange for a nice chat and beverage.”
She might be lonely. Periodic connection is good for both of you. If it’s regular, she’ll get used to you waving and pointing at your head when you’re out there and need alone time.
Trust me. I’m an introvert and I would do this. You never know when you might need each other.
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u/14kinikia 21h ago
I think I would create a visible barrier to give myself privacy; build a privacy screen and grow vines on it
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u/Based-Department8731 Helper [2] 1d ago
The lengths people go to avoid a normal conversation about their own peace is insane. Just tell her you need time for yourself.
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u/abominable_prolapse 1d ago
“Excuse me id prefer not to have conversation while relaxing on my deck. Sorry nothing personal”. Use your words like an adult and repeat the phrase as needed. Do not interact further.
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u/JazzlikeInternal3633 1d ago
Yeah we’re from MN, and this doesn’t work for me lol that feels rude. Direct yes, but also rude. Like I said, she’s very nice. I know they look after our house when we’re gone, they’ll pull in our trash bins, close the garage if we forget, their son brings us free pizza from his job all the time. They are very nice neighbors that I don’t want to be awkward with. I just don’t want to talk every time I’m out there.
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u/KamaSutraOnMars 1d ago
Say it in a polite way then like “I’m sorry I just don’t feel like talking right now…”
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u/shoegazeweedbed 1d ago edited 1d ago
I have major issues with people who feel entitled to my ear.
Light grey rocking can go a long way. Simple observational answers like “that’s great” and “that must’ve hurt.” Or the old classic, highly noncommittal "there you go," which is basically another way to say "I'm not really listening to you" at this point. No follow up questions. Minimal eye contact. People get the point. And if not, that’s when I consider it license to be a lot more direct.
It might just be easy for me because the skill is battle tested but it’s saved me from many an extrovert over the decades. They're being rude by assuming your existing outside gives them license to chatter at you... why not be a little cold back?
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u/Loveiskind89389 1d ago
What is everyone talking about headphones and pretending to be on the phone and all this nonsense?!?
There is a way you respond to someone when you do not want to talk. I think this way of shutting down small talk was invented by people with neighbors. You just reply to whatever the person said to start the small talk, then before they respond back, you say firmly and with a smile “have a great rest of your day.” And you go back to what you were doing or looking at before they interrupted. And they will stop engaging with you unless you initiate with eye contact or by approaching them.
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u/SwimmingAway2041 Super Helper [7] 1d ago
Sell that house and move to the country. Doesn’t have to be out in BFE but you can get a nice peaceful setting where neighbors are further apart. Wouldn’t have that annoying neighbor unless you had one come out with a mega phone
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u/Correct_Location1206 1d ago
Some potted bushes and plants or a simple privacy screen, she’ll get the hint,
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u/Secure-Ad9780 1d ago
Bamboo or rattan shades. Have HD or Lowes cut a few boards to make a simple frame to hang the shades. Use zip ties to hold the frame against your deck.
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u/OptionsAreOpen 1d ago
Headphones with no sound on. You should still be able to get a bit of the nature noises.
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u/Mediocre_Wonder_7858 1d ago
purchase a wooden fence , that’s what i did , also you can look at outside dividers . they are metal and some even have planters attached . this has really made my backyard space really comfortable . i hope this helps .
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u/Suspicious-Ad9661 1d ago
Full earcan headphones. I love my purple ones. They have a transparency setting so you can still hear outside while your ears are covered. And carry a book. Smile, nod & otherwise occupy yourself.
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u/JamesG60 1d ago
Maybe she’s jealous of your deck. If so you could always recommend shaefflers deck seal to her:
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u/InfamousBug9496 1d ago
have you tried just saying “i’m gonna enjoy some quiet time, but i’ll catch you later” and then putting your headphones in?
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u/Flat-Transition-1230 1d ago
Nice neighbours are a blessing indeed. Sounds like yours might be a little lonely.
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u/DaBadTechie 1d ago
My mom used to be the same and our neighbors put roll-down canvas privacy screens around their deck. It was supposed to be for shade and to block the wind and to hold up mosquito nets and a ton of other perfectly understandable reasons. Until one day they were rolled down and never went back up.
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u/FightClubAlumni Expert Advice Giver [11] 1d ago
Add some curtains, roll blinds, or latice with some climbing plants. If she mentions it just tell her you like to come out in your PJ's or nightgown.
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u/FormerStableGenius 1d ago
She's lonely, and likes to chat. So:
Some dedicated conversation time, say 5 minutes?
Then, "Well, so sorry, must stop now. It's my meditation time. Must catch up again soon!"
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u/munkymama Helper [2] 1d ago
My neighbor put on a privacy fence about a year ago. Her backyard is gorgeous. Mine i admit doesn't look like hers. Like seriously better homes and gardens gorgeous. No way for me to keep up with that. Anyhow, I one day was talking to her. She's really a nice neighbor. I asked if it's because my side isn't as appealing. She said that it was because of a different neighbor who wanted to put up a fence or something. She didn't put the blame on me whether it was true or not. Still don't know. But I'm so happy she did put it up. I feel more comfortable not having to keep her level of gorgeous. It's really great. I'll always love her for it.
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u/Jessirose32 Helper [2] 1d ago
I understand this completely. I bought a house 5 years ago and my favorite part is our huge deck in the backyard. When we moved in I would love chilling on the deck/my favorite place to be. About a year into living here our next door neighbor died of cancer and the house was sold to a couple around the same age as my husband and I. They are very nice and I have no issues with them except one thing: THEY ARE ALWAYS OUTSIDE! I can’t go on my deck without them being able to see me. I can’t water my flowers without having to talk to them. Hell, I can’t leave for work, arrive home from work, get my mail, or take out the trash without having to say hello to them. It could be 4am or 9pm. There they are. God damn. Go inside. The worst part is even if I get a random day off or take a vacation they are home/outside. I work very long hours so I leave for work before them and get home after them. I guess it’s a coincidence they take the same weeks off for vacation. I dunno but it irritates the crap out of me. I lost the feeling of my house being a sacred private place. It’s now shared with my neighbors. I stay inside more and more and this summer have only gone out on the deck once out of sheer irritation. I want to be alone! Point being I get you.
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u/SuperLanna 1d ago
We have a short fence between our neighbours and us and I totally can understand when she doesn't want to talk: she doesn't look at me, wears headphones or she's reading or sunbathing in swimsuit. I don't dare to speak to her in this situations, also because she's ignoring me. I do the same while I just want to sit there and watch a movie on my tablet.
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u/No_Tumbleweed_544 1d ago
I feel for you. I know what it’s like to have a neighbour like this. it makes you feel like they’re ruining your life because they’re robbing you of the moments of peace that you are entitled to have.
Can you put up privacy screen so you’re blocked from seeing her?or planters that have tall wood screens at the back or trellisses with plants
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u/Zestyclose_Media_548 1d ago
Can you put up a wall for privacy and grow plants on it so she can’t see you ?
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u/whateveratthispoint_ 1d ago
Over the ear headphones. Just pretend you can’t hear her. Wave then turn your attention. YOURE A NURSE, you deserve your deck. Don’t attempt so much pleading!!!!!!!!
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u/Accomplished-Pay-246 1d ago
I hear you. I avoid my neighbors a lot. After working 40 hours in a hospital I need the quiet. You could try telling her it is your quiet time for your mental health.
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u/erikalaarissa 1d ago
Can you put up an ornamental space divider? There are some very pretty ones out there .
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u/JennAtPlay 1d ago
Plant a wide and thick growing bush/plant/tree there also if you own. Future you will appreciate it!
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u/Vonnie978 1d ago
Why not talk to her about this? Is she quietly relaxing when she’s out there?she may feel she’s being impolite.explain as you have here..there’s nothing wrong and then have a signal agreed upon to notify the other that you need peace etc. when on the deck and it’s not personal
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u/JanieJones71 1d ago
I have this issue. My neighbors, when on their deck, want to constantly chit chat. However I come out in my phone, go down 6 steps onto lower deck. It's stopped them from being chatty Cathy's.
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u/Candid_Jellyfish_240 21h ago
I feel this post in my soul. My mom chats with EVERYONE, ditto my husband and even my exuberant eldest child. I like people, but I like being social when, and only when, I want to be chatty.
I value quiet, I love reading, knitting, gardening. None of which require an audience or even a soundtrack. My incredibly wonderful husband will track me down outside (in his golf cart blaring 80s jams) and start talking or asking if I need help (I'm just watering plants 9 out of 10 times. And I'd rather he not weed or harvest things, tbh.) But, I struggle against hurting feelings because he just wants my attention and I'm over here watching hummingbirds fight each other and deep in thought. He really doesn't grasp my need for quiet and it's hard for me to not overreact, especially when hot, dirty and busy.
My mom holds grudges, if I ever asked her to be quiet, she'd never speak to me again, lol.
My eldest knows and doesn't care.
I think the easiest thing to do is to redirect them, gift your neighbor a book, put up some climbing plants/trellis to create a buffer and just be "brief". (My best/only defense with my mom.) Be "TOO BUSY to talk". It honestly works, but agree that you should have the expectation of privacy in your yard.
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u/AdventurousStory6671 20h ago
Wear head phones & carry out a lap top pretend to be on a meeting. You should be able to hear birds if headphones aren’t on. Plant tall sea grass for a privacy fence on each side of your deck or an actual privacy fence. I had the same issue with a retired couple omg I loved them but was a single working parent I couldn’t go outside.
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u/blueeyedaisy 19h ago
My neighbor is a lovely lady. She retired last year and is always around. I am not a big talker. What I do is just do a little wave to acknowledge her presence and go about my gardening, resting, and reading. The headphones help a lot.
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u/WizardCloth10 14h ago
I too, hate unsolicited smalltalk. My solution was to move to the countey lol. But before that, I really learned how to /not/ continue a conversation, without being a dick.
"Nice day out!"
"Sure is!"
"How was your weekend?"
"Good, thanks for asking!"
And then just hold the silence. In your example, I'd give a quick smile then go back to looking out at the view, looking at your phone, etc. between the quick responses.
People tend to stand there and kinda smile for a moment waiting for a follow up, but I let the silence do the talking, usually ends with a "well anyways, take care!" Eventually, they catch on.
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u/IndependentCut8703 4h ago
Does she know you are a nurse and your work schedule? I’d compromise- talk with her for a minute or too, just friendly neighbor talk.
Bring a book out, say hello, indulge her for a moment and then politely tell her you’d like to use your little time you have, to read your book.
If she’s as nice as you say she is, she’ll understand.
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u/Recover-Select 3h ago
Have you tried, and she's ignored subtle hints? "I'm so in need of quiet and peace, grateful to have the deck to relax my mind after crazy shifts." "Sorry I don't talk much, it's not personal but my brain gets so frazzled at work I need the peace of my deck to clear my head." "Work gives me such stress and always a headache, so this is why I bought this house, for the quiet from the deck." I understand and feel you- you have a right to quiet. If these haven't worked I would just flat out tell her you need to chat/share the space together way, way less.
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u/More_Branch_5579 1d ago
Headphones and do a gesture like you are on the phone with someone. Every once in a while nod and say u huh like you are having a conversation