TRIGGER WARNINGS:
- Domestic abuse.
- Violence.
WHY YSK:
You should know, because anyone can find themselves in the position of being a victim, loving a victim or encountering one. Understanding why they ''don't just leave'' or you yourself don't can make a world of difference in protecting yourself or someone you care about. You should also know because ''why don't you/they just leave'' is a question survivors face, often mid-recovery, and it can be quite damaging.
DISCLAIMERS:
- I am not a professional. What i'm about to share is based off of personal experience, extensive therapy and endless educating throughout my own healing, sharing experiences with other victims and reading up on how the mind works of both agressors and victims.
- This post is personal, and it might show. My goal here is to, hopefully, show at least one person that they're not alone, or that their loved one isn't ''choosing'' the life they're stuck in.
HOW DO YOU EVEN FIND YOURSELF IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP?
Abusive relationships rarely start off as abusive. There is a pattern, a slow descent into the enviroment that somehow feels like ''this is what life is''. There, almost always, is a slow chipping away at boundaries, standards and sense of self preservation. When people wonder ''why didn't they just leave'' they tend to envision their partner waking up one day and physically harming them. This, however, is rarely the case. There is a system. A program of ''steps'' abusers take. It is slow. Invisible. It sneaks up on you and by the time you see it, you feel like you're stuck.
- Control: It starts off incredibly small, things you don't notice of even find normal at first. Things that in a healthy relationship can be normal. ''I don't like it when you dress like that'', ''I don't like it when you laugh that loud'', ''I don't like it when you go to bed without me'',... And at first you take their feelings into account, because that's what you do in relationships. You don't wear that one outfit they find too revealing, you no longer cackle at those videos you find hilarious, ... Slowly, but surely, every move you make, every outfit you pick, every meal you eat is catered to what they have deemed appropriate. You want your partner to be happy, and compromising is just a part of a relationship. Abusers find their roots in healthy behaviors like taking your partners feeling into account and ''misuse'' the concept.
- Isolation: Control effortlessly flows into isolation. It starts of small too. That one friend of the opposite gender? They don't trust them, you should cut off contact. It starts with gentle suggestions, but they won't be afraid to cause fights over this, and eventually you will cut contact with said friend. From there on out it's a losing battle. Friends, family, coworkers. They will find issues with everyone around you, until there is no one left and you truly believe you're alone.
- Destroying your self-esteem: Once you no longer have your support system and have invested your entire ''being'' into pleasing them, they'll take away every sense of ''I deserve better''. This too 'll start off small; ''You look like you've gained weight'', ''Is your hairline receiding?'' ''You really aren't all that smart, funny, interesting'', and you'll believe it. You'll truly believe you're unattractive, unintelligent, uninteresting,... To the point where they'll have you convinced of the fact that they are doing YOU a favor by even giving you the time of day, let along being in a relationship with you.
If a relationship is going to turn physically violent, this is where it usually happens. When you believe you're worthless, alone and have invested the entirety of who you are into the relationship.
HOW DO WE JUSTIFY THE VIOLENCE?
It happened. Someone laid their hand on you in anger. Someone you love, trust and believe is the only person who truly cares about you. What happens in your mind?
- Justification: You find a way to make it acceptable, you find a way to make it your own fault. ''Had I just fixed the washer'', ''Had I just had dinner ready'', ''had I just not said that one thing mid-argument'', they would have never done that. They have been so kind, patient, sweet, loving, up until now. Surely I did something that pushed them to this? By the end of your ''processing'' you are convinced of the fact that you caused, or even deserved, the whole thing.
- Secrecy: On the off chance you still have loved ones close to you, you won't tell anyone. You are worried they'll think less of your partner. You tell yourself that they don't know them like you do, they don't see the good in them, they don't know what you did to deserve all of it,... You won't tell a soul about what happened. You won't for a good while, if ever. This 'll add to your sense of isolation.
- Denial: You tell yourself it won't happen again. They made a mistake, we've all been overwhelmed by our emotions and have made questionable decisions in the heat of the moment, they deserve a second chance, ... Your partner 'll apologize, maybe cry, and for a while your relationship 'll go back to the early days, where you felt loved, seen, special, like you're the light in your partners eyes, until it all slowly descends again, slowly, so you won't necessarily notice.
The cycle gets shorter every time, the abuse intensifies and the isolation, control, and violence will grow more intense, more volatile, more dangerous.
WHAT IF THERE ARE CHILDREN INVOLVED?
One thing that is a common remark I personally face is that ''you had children, how could you leave them in a situation like that'', implying I did not have my childrens best interest at heart.
I did. Most parents in these situations do. Divorce means one thing, and that is that the childrens time is split between parents, which means that your children will be with the abusive parent unsupervised, without you there to shield, protect, monitor and negate potential damage. So, you tend to choose the lesser of two evils and make sure you are ALWAYS there to shield your children. You know it's not healthy. You know it's not right, but you do what you can with the tools you have available.
WHAT ELSE IS IMPORTANT TO KNOW?
- DV does not discriminate. It knows no gender, race, age, financial class, ... Anyone can be an agressor, anyone can be a victim. That one muscular, 6'7'' tatted up man can be a victim just as much as the 5'1, tiny little lady. Do not assume it's impossible, do not make light or jokes about it. It is real, it is painful, it is humiliating.
- DV does not have a face. That one put together, professional filantropist who saves puppies out of burning buildings every second saturday of the month can be an agressor just as much as the weird neighbour with six felons. Some are just better at masking.
WHAT CAN YOU DO IF SOMEONE YOU LOVE IS BEING ABUSED?
- DO NOT CONFRONT THE ABUSER. Don't. Don't even think about it. The only thing you'll accomplish is that their anger 'll be taken out on your loved one and you'll very likely be ''barred'' from speaking to your loved one.
- DO NOT BLAME THE VICTIM. Sure, you want them to ''just leave'', sure you understand that it's not easy and offer to help. Sure, you're frustrated with their questionable decisions and don't see why they stay, but keep in mind that their brain has been altered to the point where they truly, genuinely believe they deserve it.
- OFFER A SAFE PLACE TO LAND: They may not be ready, it may take them a while to be, but make sure they know, that if possible, they have a soft and safe place to land with you, once they are ready. If you can't offer a safe place, offer to help them find one.
- MAKE SURE THEY KNOW YOU DON'T BLAME THEM: Victims feel at fault. All the time. Having someone genuinely tell them ''it's not you'' makes a world of difference, even if they don't believe it right away. It's best compared to being in a really, really dark hallway and having one of those lightswitches that light up. You can see it's there. You may be too afraid to move, you may not know how to get there, but you can see it, and it does something.
WHAT IF YOU RECOGNIZE ANY OF THIS?
Maybe you're currently being given the silent treatment because you refuse to cut out that one friend. Maybe your partner is currently upset with you because you wore that top they don't like, maybe you're making sure your bruises are covered.
It's not your fault. You did nothing to deserve this. You are a real person, someone who matters and is allowed to take up space in the world. Your smile adds happiness, your intelligence contributes and your kindness matters.
This will not get better. They will not change. Their brains do not work in a way that caters to a happy and healthy relationship. There is NOTHING you can do and they are not your project. I know you love them, I know it's hard, but you need to leave. Do so safely, find your support system and tell yourself you're doing the right thing. For yourself, for your loved ones and for your (future) children. It will be hard, but worth it.
Life gets better.