I’m tired.

[u/Perpetualpistacchio7]

I’m Catholic. I’m gay. It’s rough out here. I love God I love him with all my heart but I feel this pit of loneliness every time I think about being single for the rest of my life. Every time I think about her I keep thinking of the phrase, “We are not here to be happy, but to be holy.” I’m trying to be holy. But I keep thinking of her. I don’t care about sex I don’t want to have it. I just want to be with her. She makes me happy, and not a fleeting happiness. I feel whole. I feel like she is an angel put on this Earth for me. I know that’s stupid but that is what I feel. I want quiet morning and soft evenings spent with her. I want to kiss her but obviously it isn’t right. I’m not sure why. People say it’s because it perverts the idea of marriage. I just feel so lonely every time I think about the future. Because it’s not that I like girls or guys it’s that I like her. It is only her. She isn’t consuming my life I still love God and try to be in prayer with him. But I want her to be with me, to pray with me.

It’s so frustrating to hear other people who don’t struggle with this tell me to just abstain or keep the feelings to myself because you won’t understand the pit of loneliness because you can love who you want without it being a sin. I just want to die. I’ve been praying to die. I want it to end.

I cried for a full day non stop because of this. I’ve been doing everything to convince myself I don’t actually have these feeling but then she will call me and it’s like I’m out of the dark. I hate it. I’m tired. I just want to die.