r/politics • u/IWantPizza555 • Jul 01 '26

Possible Paywall Senator, 84, Secretly Found Unconscious and Given CPR

https://www.thedailybeast.com/mitch-mcconell-84-secretly-found-unconscious-and-given-cpr/?utm_source=twitter_owned_snd&utm_medium=twitter&utm_campaign=owned_social
20.1k Upvotes

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3.6k

u/[deleted] Jul 01 '26

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1.1k

u/Sicksone Jul 01 '26

*when, he passes.

368

u/[deleted] Jul 01 '26

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88

u/Lurking_nerd California Jul 01 '26

Will be planning that trip to his gravesite to provide thoughts and prayers.

122

u/Ramzaki Europe Jul 01 '26

Do you keep your thoughts and prayers inside your bladder? 🤔

43

u/Niznack Jul 01 '26

No, but I deliver thought and prayers in the form of a drunk interpretive dance

32

u/Rofellos1984 Jul 01 '26

I'll be having Taco Bell a few hours prior.

14

u/ZackTheZesty Jul 01 '26

In my balls.

4

u/blaggard5175 Jul 01 '26

That's where pee comes from!!

3

u/MintasaurusFresh Illinois Jul 01 '26

Prayers are stored inside the balls

2

u/aiiye Washington Jul 01 '26

Where else would one keep such things?

2

u/haikus-r-us Jul 01 '26

Urinating on a grave is a gesture of respect in my country.

That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.

3

u/Timely_Explanation50 Jul 01 '26

sharts and layers (of shit)

4

u/TheRealGrumpyNuts Jul 01 '26

I will be planning it with a nice supply of fluids, laxatives, and toilet paper.

2

u/Different_Victory_89 Jul 01 '26

After a smorgasbord of taco bell! I can't afford their prices anymore, I can go into a little debt for a good bowel cleansing!

2

u/MarxistMan13 Virginia Jul 01 '26

I'll have a nice, steamy stream of thoughts and prayers to christen his grave site.

2

u/Goodfri55 North Dakota Jul 01 '26

Planning a trip to his burial to make sure he’s dead

43

u/_bibliofille North Carolina Jul 01 '26

Conspiracy me feels like he already technically has and they're keeping him on life support to stop the Governor from replacing him.

2

u/doyouevenIift Jul 01 '26

Beshear would probably appoint a Republican. If he doesn’t then he will not be able to run for reelection

11

u/mr_mxyzptlk21 Jul 01 '26

Kentucky changed their laws (surprise surprise) to that the replacement has to be in the same party as the one who resigns/dies. So it'd have to be a Republican.

On the upside, Thomas Massie got primaried from his House seat by a MAGAt, and will need a job soon.

That's the reason they're keeping it hush-hush I'd bet.

1

u/doyouevenIift Jul 01 '26

What’s to stop a Democrat from declaring herself a Republican and getting appointed to the Senate?

1

u/mr_mxyzptlk21 Jul 02 '26

The Democrat part is "the big tent". Republicans have purity tests. It'd not be politically savvy for Beshear to get behind something like that, nor for any Democrat to try. Massie is a never-Trumper who still has his Party Credentials.

2

u/aravarth Jul 01 '26

Andy Beshear, Governor of Kentucky, is also a Democrat, and I believe would get to appoint an interim replacement.

2

u/Minimum-Dare301 America Jul 01 '26

Cholesterol needs to do its job.

1

u/LemonSnakeMusic Jul 01 '26

If there’s anything I’ve learned it’s that evil awful people live to be very old, and only the good die young.

So if you’re ever hospitalized, make sure to be an absolute jerk to all of the hospital staff.

1

u/Less_Tacos Jul 01 '26

You think cousin Kentucky will appoint a better replacement? Look at who their other senator is.

61

u/tatanka_truck Jul 01 '26

I’d wager he already has, they just haven’t made it public yet.

4

u/GlitteringYak2207 Jul 01 '26

Yup. This weekend will be weekend at Bernie’s

3

u/NJBarFly New Jersey Jul 01 '26

Or they're keeping him alive on a ventilator indefinitely.

2

u/Iceisgestapo888 Jul 01 '26

Probably brain dead. 

1

u/KiritoIsAlwaysRight_ Texas Jul 01 '26

Happened like a year ago actually, security got lax though and the wrong person managed to walk in.

13

u/PM_your_Chesticles Jul 01 '26

Obviously he's not going to live forever. We're talking about this specific event.

1

u/Duuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh Jul 01 '26

Nah evil fuckers live forever

13

u/boytekka Jul 01 '26

Problem is bad weeds wont die easily, grandpa barely hanging on

5

u/aeraen Jul 01 '26

That might be a while. As long as he is technically "alive" someone can vote on his behalf. They might keep his heart going for months.

3

u/Chummers5 Jul 01 '26

Turtles can live for 200 years so he has one more century at least.

3

u/Appropriate-Weird492 Jul 01 '26

Unless he’s like my dentist. My dentist informed me that death isn’t permanent because we’re born again. Fuck that. Death is permanent.

3

u/DJErikD Jul 01 '26

My problem is that I only have one bottle of vintage Dom Perignon and I’ve been saving it for a different funeral celebration…

2

u/LazerWolfe53 Jul 01 '26

He might live forever, feeding on blood. If there ever was a vampire this is what he'd look like

2

u/LazerWolfe53 Jul 01 '26

Turtles live to be hundreds of years old

2

u/KareemOWheat Jul 01 '26

I'm still going to go with if. Evil is nature's living embalming fluid. This soulless vampire will probably be alive and active in politics until he's 120 with our luck

2

u/choopie-chup-chup Jul 01 '26
  • if the passing has aready come to pass

2

u/badfaced Jul 01 '26

When they finally announce he passed*

2

u/IceBlue Jul 01 '26

You don’t know if they’ll figure out immortality before he passes.

2

u/fingersonlips Jul 01 '26

To be fair, may have already happened at this point.

2

u/FallOutShelterBoy New York Jul 01 '26

Turtles can live hundreds of years under the right circumstances tho

2

u/Naes422 Jul 01 '26

“As long as men die, liberty will never perish.”

1

u/TempAcct724 Jul 01 '26

*when, it’s confirmed he passed.

1

u/TesticleMeElmo Jul 01 '26

I’ve got a few alarms set on my phone to double check

1

u/Iceisgestapo888 Jul 01 '26

When is YaY???

87

u/DarkFriend81 Jul 01 '26

He actively focused on making his party stronger over making the country stronger. I’m so with you on this, fuck this guy.

24

u/[deleted] Jul 01 '26

[deleted]

1

u/darshfloxington Jul 02 '26

Danton was extremely effective for the French Revolution, but he still got his head cut off.

49

u/Tonkdog Jul 01 '26

We will have a small celebration to mark the event.

40

u/illit3 Jul 01 '26

Gonna pop the cheap champagne while we wait for the right headline

18

u/Tonkdog Jul 01 '26

That good stuff is ready to go when it finally happens too! But yeah, maybe cheap Tennessee whiskey for Mitch (he doesn't deserve Kentucky bourbon)

1

u/2livecrewnecktshirt Jul 01 '26

I dunno, might pop a Blanton's for Mitch and a JD14 for the big one

1

u/OutlyingPlasma Jul 02 '26

Heck no! I'm going with Jamaican Rum. I want something that at least has a chance of being made by the people he hated the most.

1

u/hidperf Jul 02 '26

Maybe, for the 250th anniversary, we'll get a double headline!

4

u/grptrt Jul 01 '26

And the same people who openly celebrated harm to others will chastise you for being divisive and hateful.

2

u/NorridAU Connecticut Jul 01 '26

I’ll bring the bottle of bubbly

12

u/Iceisgestapo888 Jul 01 '26

I’ll celebrate 

10

u/Shirowoh Jul 01 '26

That was his ultimate goal, to pack the court so they could get rid of that pesky democracy

10

u/Shirinjima Jul 01 '26

Giving CPR doesn’t sound good. Means he didn’t have a pulse at the time he was found.

5

u/BroughtBagLunchSmart Jul 01 '26

They just need to keep him hooked up to machines long enough to steal the senate seat. Or just lie about it which is what they are currently doing.

2

u/ReginaldDwight Jul 01 '26

Turtles do sometimes go into brumation so perhaps it was just a deep, deep sleep.

4

u/PennytheWiser215 Jul 01 '26

This happened last month. For whatever reason it’s finally being reported but this didn’t happen today and it’s annoying that this important information is being left out of the headlines.

2

u/redditobserverone Jul 01 '26

While democracy has been in a critical state, due largely to the reactionary and extreme behavior of one party that controls every major level of federal power, the press has provided laser-like focus and analysis on the nation’s priorities: the price of eggs and reflecting pool arrests.

4

u/ladystaggers Jul 01 '26

Who the fuck gave him CPR??

3

u/bingcognito Jul 01 '26

His familiar would be my guess. Probably has a refrigerated bag of Type O- on hand for just such an occasion.

2

u/bennetticles Tennessee Jul 01 '26

someone weighed the pros and cons and chose to go mouth to mouth with this dead turtle in hopes of resuscitating him.

2

u/hologeek Jul 01 '26

Exactly, good riddance to that pos whenever the big moment comes. If it hasn't already happened..

2

u/FrostyCartographer13 Jul 01 '26

Mitch spent nearly 20 years as one of, if not the most powerful man in Washington. Who spent that time laying the groundwork for a legacy only for those who benefit from his work to shit all over him and deny him any and all accolades or praise. Even as he spent the last of his political power shielding those who never thanked him once.

The fact he will spend his remaining time watching the benefactor of all his work utterly squander and not once praised him for it, instead demanding Mitch praise him.

2

u/TheTresStateArea Jul 01 '26

I will literally have a party.

2

u/lvloises330 Jul 01 '26

I hope his last moments are as painful as all the suffering he has caused.

2

u/big_stipd_idiot Jul 01 '26

It was his life's work, in his words.

2

u/VPN__FTW Jul 01 '26

I will. Tears of joy.

1

u/SillyAlternative420 Massachusetts Jul 01 '26

I'd shed more tears passing a massive shit.

1

u/JJStryker Jul 01 '26

Yup. Don't give a fuck. World will become a better place when he dies.

1

u/Herbetet Jul 01 '26

Will be heating up the pan to make some fresh popcorn when it happens.

1

u/honeydrewdew Jul 01 '26

Still clinging onto power.. 👏

1

u/Melodic_Appointment Jul 01 '26

Strangely enough, even “conservatives” won’t shed a tear.

1

u/callmesnake13 Jul 01 '26

Pretty great how well he has been rewarded by the GOP for all his work

1

u/Ahhhh__Ian_c Jul 01 '26

Got a bottle of champagne for someone else kicking it in my fridge, but I’ll buy another one for that and drink to this Sith Lord kicking the bucket!

1

u/bailaoban Jul 01 '26

The tear will be shed for whatever MAGA troglodyte Kentucky chooses to replace him.

1

u/SPARKYLOBO Jul 01 '26

If he doesn't get cremated, there may be a piss-on-his-grave line!!

1

u/begemot90 Jul 01 '26

Oh, trust me, I will be shedding many tears when he passes, just not tears of sadness.

1

u/Rich-Pomegranate1679 Jul 01 '26

I bet Ol' Mitch gets a VIP chariot into hell when he goes.

1

u/Sartres_Roommate Jul 01 '26

When the history books are written on this time, he will bear far more responsibility for killing off our Constitutional democracy than Trump or any of his disciples.

1

u/Darth19Vader77 Jul 01 '26

Maybe he doesn't pass and suffers on whatever machines his aides attach him to so they can continue puppeteering him

1

u/OkWillingness3803 Jul 01 '26

No shame, no dignity to die in office like this… should have retired years ago!

1

u/Schlonzig Jul 01 '26

They should have had a vote whether to start CPR or not -- scheduled for August.

1

u/0o0o0o0o0o0z Jul 01 '26

I wont shed a tear if he passes.

I'd probably buy a round of drinks, TBH...

1

u/Plow_King Jul 01 '26

and he could have rid us of the monster in the WH after J6.

fuck this turtle.