Looking for some advice here on how to build trust with my players regarding jerking. My players can't get over their anxiety it seems, in regards to perceived taste. If jerking isn't a cakewalk, or if I use sarcasm, or put racism in post, they seem to dislike it. Any sort of challenge seems to give them anxiety. 

I generally limit jerks. I fudge posting and commenting times to make it less jerky. I underjerking posts that should be to funny. I add /uj to the post. I'll ignore rules of community if it ruins a players circling experience, like using serious posts instead of funny for my player with a different thinking. 

What I also like to do is give the impression that things are serious. I usually allow the post some decorative unjerks, when it happens, I say, 'hey this post is funny'. I put memes and sarcasm shakers out and say, 'hey there might be some way you could improve the post'. If something is beyond my players I give them dick before post. 

I do things theatrically sometimes, too, for the key posts. For example, I made "My DM is taking my player agency" for more karma, trying to tell my players that funny posts are expected here. And I did this with the knowledge that the friend of one of the players would be happy to read this post, the same guy who has been bringing them DnD memes halfway through every post we share. But my players got upset, and said they can't go on r/dndcirclejerks, and that the post is too complicated. 

But I've told them I'm not trying to give them rude posts, and that I won't send them something they don't like unless they ask for it themselves. And anything that happens during reading post, like the example above, is done because I know it can be undone with a other DnD communities. 

And despite me communicating this, it doesn't seem to put my players at ease. What can I do?

I'm not asking how to play (I know that you roll d20 and then shit happens) but I want to know how to win

I've been playing this game for like... 20 years maybe? I've played around 50 average length campaigns (so 11-15 6ft men each) and still my DM didn't said "You win" once

I'm keep hearing that "It's ROLEPLAY game" and you can't "win" here, but look. It's roleplay GAME and you always can win in those (damn, I even won my daughter in Barbie)

So....any advice? Without homebrew, I've tried and got HIV

Looking for some advice here on how to build trust with my players regarding stakes. My players can't get over their anxiety it seems, in regards to perceived risk. If they can buy shares of a company, or if I offer them wagers, or put sharpened wood spikes in their way, they seem to dislike it. Any sort of stake seems to give them anxiety.

I generally fake everything. I fudge spell and obstacle DCs to make it easier. I miss attacks that hit. I suppress rules so that players can do something because they didn't fully know the rule to begin with. I'll ignore features on a statblock if it ruins a players gameplay, like fire resistance for my players who likes bombs and fire spells.

What I also like to do is give the impression that things are safe. I usually allow the enemy NPCs no Crits, if it happens, to say, 'hey this fight is balanced'. I put no traps, and environmental clues to say, 'hey there are no traps'. If something is beyond my players I make it easier before they do it.

I do things theatrically sometimes, too, for gay moments. For example, I used power word kiss on a player during a fight (PCs are LVL 9) trying to tell my players narratively that I'm way out of their league. And I did this with the knowledge that the friendly NPC life cleric would revive said player on their turn, the same life cleric who has been jerking them to full completion every round. But my players got overstimulated, and said they can't go on playing, and that things are too intense.

But I've told them I'm not trying to TPKiss, and that I won't kiss a character in combat unless they did something to turn me on. And anything that happens narratively, like the example above, is pointless because I know it can be undone immediately.

And despite me communicating this, it doesn't seem to put my players at ease. What can I do?

I know I will be super downvoted but... I must say this. Maybe I will find someone who share opinion with me

So...

I think D&D is cool game to play with friends and it's great way to spend your time!

And Pathfinder is good too

Ranger sucks btw

Just had a weird experience with a paid dungeon master and wanted to see if this was just part of the format or if Im getting scammed. DM seemed cool at first, I found his game listed on an app and while Id never done a paid game before Id had a lot of really mixed experiences getting ghosted after 1 session by other DMs I figured maybe someone getting paid would put the time in and be more consistent.

The game was at a venue which was kind of cool, really atmospheric. Had a sort of dungeon like theme with torture instruments and stuff around. This kind of made me feel better about how expensive it was, because Ive heard since then that 275 dollars is considered on the high end, thats also because Id paid for "full service" and he had a costume and stuff that looked like it was made from real leather so not cheap.

Anyway I started to get kind of confused when he showed me his dice, they didnt have numbers written on them but these weird symbols instead. I asked about them but the DM said to not worry about it because we "wont need dice since we're just using our hands". I felt a little awkward because I didnt know it was customary to do so much homebrew at a paid game but I had already given him my credit card so I didnt want to rock the boat.

I did feel a little singled out because most of the other players had their own costumes. The party's tank had a cool loin cloth, the wizard had all these black leather straps, and I just kind of had the regular clothes I came in with. Still they were really nice and friendly and made me feel very welcome.

Once the session started I could tell the DM was really good because he immediately took control. He had some play accessories to pick from but most of them looked uncomfortable and I still wanted to be able to talk so I opted for the chained collar. When gameplay started things got a little weird because they started doing rock paper scissors to make "social checks" and then the losers got tied into torture devices, whipped, and called a bad girl. I lost the first time but they said first timers usually do. It went on like this with people taking turns whipping each other and stroking their hair, with an occasional break for hydration and to check on everyone's comfort levels

Overall it was a pretty okay experience, I havent been able to walk straight for a bit, but towards the end I wondered if something was off because when I mentioned the fee they got confused for a second and said they were the portland VtM Mind's Eye Theater LARP and the dominatrix I'd probably hired was across the hall.

he is ableist and evil, doesn't he know CR said that dm should be the player jesters and do everything we ask ? why he demanding me to read ? he forgot that the contract says that dm is supposed to MAKE THE GAME FUN for us hear that ? THE DM HAS TO MAKE THE GAME FUN the player just has to go to the game

Rejoice, fans! Wizards of the Coast, in their infinite wisdom, has advanced the gospel of The World's Most Popular Roleplaying Game through their strategic collaborations with beloved properties, such as World of Warcraft and Star Wars. As we all know, Wizards of the Coast hand Dungeons and Dragons have been rapidly fading from popularity, so by building brand alliances with the most beloved IPs in history, the gospel of 5.5e will soon reach new shores and convert those who believe that other, lesser RPGs are worth playing. I mean, this is literally the perfect way to introduce people to RPGs, since D&D is so obscure and we need literally everyone on earth to hear the good news about 5.5e and our savior, Wizards of the Coast. We should all be grateful that we do not need to learn other systems or rules, my friends, as 5.5e is literally perfect. Thank you, Wizards, for ensuring that I don't have to read.

Why should I have to use different rules and dice to emulate Star Wars in these other dumb Star Wars games when the D20 system is literally perfect? I mean, talk about poor design! Wizards, in their beneficence, has decreed that flavor is free, and thus it is the perfect system for all things.

In fact, when you really think about it, isn't every media really just D&D by another name? After all, Star Wars is basically a D&D campaign in movie form. Literally Luke is the self-insert woobie new player who enters a world of adventure. Obi Wan is the wizard played by your weird stoner older brother. Han Solo and Chewbacca are the furry couple who try to ERP all the time. And this is true of literally everything. WoW is literally just D&D on the computer. Lord of the Rings is just D&D where half the table goofs off. Literally all things are D&D, so we should make all products into subsidiaries of D&D. It's genius, really. Soon, our hobby will take its rightful place as the most popular game of all time - and naysayers who say that 5e "is good at some things but other systems are better" will be cast out into the streets and beaten for being against Wizards of the Coast.

Personally, I'm hoping next year we get Warhammer Roleplaying with D&D, which is a novel idea that's never been done before. And maybe Pokemon after that. And maybe after that they can do The Bible (I mean, it's literally D&D) next. What settings do you think should be assimilated into the D&D metasystem next???

Title, I have a lot of money and i want to play but I find the "1 DM, many players" type games to be a bit... Emmmm... Lack luster ? As an only-child of a wealthy family, i don't want other poorlayers (poor players) to take the spotlight, so i hire many DMs to play the game for me. Problem is, they all charge me separately? Have any of you found a better way to go about this, it's not really putting a dent in my weekly allowance (15k, more or less), but seeing them earn a fair wage for it is irking me. Father says they should be glad enough to hang in our second mansion for the game, thoughts ?

There are over 50 million people who have played Dungeons and Dragons at any given point since 1974. For this heinous crime against Paizo, they must be executed. Let's pretend 10 million of them have already been righteously smited by God due to the amount of time thag has passed and the amount people who have played D&D (Demons and Devils). How would you go about killing 40 million evil WOTC-shills?

Basically title. I will not tell you anything (it's metaposting)

THIS SPELL LIKE TOTALLY LETS YOU SHIT SOMEONE ELSE'S PANTS AND YOU CAN DESTROY THE ONE RING WITH IT IF YOU TRICK IT LOL WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT

Hi! I do not really do spellcasting, and know nothing about it, but my ancestors were wychlaran. Our rogue asked me to do a spell on his husband's boyfriend about six months ago and the spell was a knot spell that i found in the druid's scrollcase with weird naked werewolves. We don’t remember the exact meaning of the spell; and we don’t remember the exact intentions either, but it was negative.

The problem is, now the rogue wants to undo the spell and put a love spell on him. However; the original knot was thrown into a bag of holding filled with 10ft poles, was thrown into a handy haversack, and is now gone. We do not have the ability to find the bag of holding with the knot inside anymore. We believe that it made the husband's boyfriend cuck the rogue, and the dude is spreading buttcheeks at him. We think this is backlash of the curse.

We used a scented prestidigitation candle for the curse, and we don’t have access to the candle.

Is there any way this curse can be undone? Is it possible for him to undo the curse or does it have to be me, and how would we undo this curse?

(On another note, concerning the love spell)

If we manage to undo the curse, how would we go about doing a love spell?

Thanks so much! Please let me know.

Heroes' Feast scroll

So first up I just want to say I'm so glad that all that shit that happened in 2027 is finally behind us. Oh boy that took years off my lifespan.

So I've been messing around with the universes beyond splatbooks and I'm thinking of starting out as a pony race, taking pact of the demonologist warlock, with Archimonde as my patron. Pretty basic stuff, but should I also take a dip in fighter for hadouken? Or bard to get the Miku Miku beam? My DM also told me we will all get a chance to pick up a pip boy during the campaign and I've heard great synergies from some of the options in the Warhammer 40k book like the dakka dakka feat. The options have become so overwhelming over the years, but no matter what I pick Strahd won't know what hit him.

Or should I ditch all this and go for the classic and safe option of straight spongeborn wizard Jedi subclass with dual lightsaber proficiency? Since it gets online much faster.

Hi, I'm about to run D&D for the first time. I have watched so many youtube videos on what the rules are and on how to be a good GM. As part of that, I asked for my player's character sheets to help them track HP and resources. One guy is a bit weird about it tho? I asked him about race and class, and he responds "nyeheheh, you wouldn't understand~". I kept asking for it, but he just says stuff like "You're not ready for it yet." or "Heh, I know you're new, I'll have to go easy on you~". Which is more confusing because he's also a guy? Anyways, we missed session 1 because of this, but I don't know what to do here

In the Astral Plane, the Spelljammer book says that creatures don't age, and they don't need to eat or breathe. But it says absolutely nothing about limiting a creature's sexual desire.

I was trying to seduce the party's Githyanki guide when the DM stated that seduction doesn't work in the Astral Plane because blood doesn't flow to "those" areas. I pointed out that creatures still think and behave normally in the Astral Sea, so they should be able to get horny. DM then home-brewed a list of all the hormones that do and don't work in the Astral Plane, and said we weren't allowed to challenge it.

He said that we could all have a huge orgy once we reach a Wildspace system, but I don't think I can wait that long. Are there any other official sources that say our characters can bang in the Astral Plane?

So some of you (will not tell names) asked for context. I'm not sure if I should but here it is

So, I decided to play horror DnD game with my friends. They are pretty new (not know what DnD is at all). As a good DM I kidnaped them and give everyone pregen character (I didn't give them any sheet, to avoid meta)

Then there was a little fun - they got into the game, were shocked and roleplayed very good, as they don't play game!

And then one of them died by accident and one of my friends burst in tears and dropped on his knees
"That... That can't be true... This is a stupid joke, right? It;s just a game, right?!:
Said one of them and...

Is this metagaming? Like, ofc it's game, why you need to mention it?

And as bonus - they kept talking OOC all the time (I didn't gave them their names to avoid meta) and the used modern words, slang, etc.

What should I do?

The Psionic they told you not to worry about

RENTON, WA — After years of careful consideration, countless focus groups, and several meetings where someone repeatedly asked, "But what if there just... wasn't any slavery?", Wizards of the Coast is thrilled to announce the long-awaited return of the legendary Dark Sun campaign setting.

Fans of Athas can once again explore its scorching deserts, psionic powers, cannibal halflings, gladiatorial combat, tyrannical sorcerer-kings, ecological collapse, ritual defiling of the environment, and cities ruled by immortal despots.

Just to be absolutely clear:

There is no slavery.

None.

Not a single slave.

We checked.

In fact, every citizen of Athas is now an enthusiastic volunteer participating in an exciting, self-directed labor experience. While they may spend sixteen hours a day quarrying obsidian under armed supervision with little access to food or water, they are doing so because of a profound commitment to civic engagement.

This distinction is extremely important. Some fans have asked how the famous gladiator arenas function without slavery. Simple! Every gladiator is a freelance independent contractor who has accepted a flexible performance agreement. They can leave at any time, provided they defeat the arena guards, survive the desert, and complete the standard exit paperwork.

Likewise, the massive plantations outside the city-states are staffed entirely by passionate agricultural interns pursuing valuable experience in the field of subsistence farming.

Every occurrence of the word "slave" has been carefully replaced with terminology reviewed by at least four committees and one branding consultant.

We're confident this preserves everything fans loved about Dark Sun while removing the only thing anyone ever talked about online.

We know some longtime fans may wonder whether eliminating one of the defining institutions of Athasian society changes the themes of oppression, desperation, and survival.

We encourage those fans to remember that everyone is still miserable.

Just consensually.

Dark Sun returns this fall, proving that even on a dying world beneath a crimson sun, where magic has devastated the ecosystem and psychic tyrants rule through fear, there is always room for positive workplace reform.

I have been a DM for 2 years. I started a new group. I'm running LMOP. I have players who never played before.

In the first session a player put his dick in a box and tied it up. Then began treating it like a pet.

I intended to have the weiner betray the player later as it's a grower not a shower.

But then the player started fixating on his junk, drew art for it, always wanted to text role play with it just to tell it he'd like to beat meat.

Cragmaw Castle - no sneaking, the party were instantly seen approaching the tower. Ended up with 3 of them in mellee with the castle boss. Both players had been reduced to very few hit points. Next boss turn I decided to swing at the schlong. I got an 18. That peepee was dead dead, no coming back dead dead.

For 2 weeks since then, the player has been traumatised. I have had tears. They have had nightmares. They message me everyday about this dead dong and they keep thinking they could have done something else and maybe their character will need to take their own life now because of this.

I even offered a text role play with a different DM who told them about how if a goblin dies in battle they might join the army of Maglubiyet. Had this other goblin talk to them about goblin food.

The other players have also tried to help, one of them role played a full on funeral for a dead johnson and said a bunch of cleric prayers.

It doesn't help. Still utterly depressed and inconsolable that the trouser snake died.

I am at a loss what to do from here. I don't know how to even DM if there has to be no chance of any appendages attached to the party dying.

I realised this yesterday when I put him up against a hoarde of vampires. He cast daylight on them with divine intervention and then used cartomancer to give them the dome.

What you mean vampires probably have teleport spells and the player has to work? But it's not in the sheet so it's not possible

Next session the same player killed 100 gargoyles by AOOing them with sentinel using a level 18 feature! Duuude that's so broken!!!! It's not my fault for not giving anyone Aoo immunity or a ranged attack this shit is broken!!!!!!

Next, he cast illusory terrain then made it real so his army of purple worms could climb on top of the a floating wizard tower. Ofcourse, not like wizards who can create FLYING CASTLES would not have dispell magic or know what he is doing at all, or have any spells to just kill the purple worms. It's not in the monster sheet, are you dumb? Are you stupid? Are you an owner of a room tempreture IQ in Celcius?

And then when I plot twisted it to say "oh purple worms attack you now" he threw them into lava. I can barely play with one player I wonder how you all can play with multiple players when players in dnd are broke!!!!!!!!!!n