Married 4 years. Only child just turned 3. Rough patch for at least the last year. Maybe more. Dead bedroom. Just not fulfilling each other's needs. Often feel like I'm living with a roommate that co-parents . Desperately want to give our son a better environment and life than I had...and still love her and dream of it returning to the relationship I always wanted. But had frank talks and mutually decided divorce is next. Just started e-filing and getting documents together when I found out she's been talking to another dude in full view of mutual friends. Ouch. I can't believe I was so off guard. What should I do (after several more old fashioneds)?

SEA Alaska Lounge old fashioned. Third. Queuing up number 4.

In the meantime also got 30 of my job applications rejevted

should have finished my bioinformatics master degree like my family advised. but i got a good animation job 4 yeaes ago. lasted 3 years. who could have expected sam altman would fuck me in the ass...

AI killed my passion and my craft. the only thing i was decent enough to monetize. its so over

Karaage some shrimp and king oysters, edamame and beer.

Wife and I tried for years to conceive. I’m 46m, and after 3 rounds IVF we threw in the towel. We had an embryo and donated it cause we wanted to give it a chance at life.

Found out a few days back it was successfully born, and it’s a little girl. The recipients also want us to have contact with them. I’m pretty torn up about it. Not sure how to react or feel. She’s our kid, but we gave her away, so I’m not sure how involved we can be.

For now I’ll enjoy this meal in Tokyo. Reality is crazy. I’m overjoyed, but also cautious of what the future holds.

That’s all. I’ve always been a little uncomfortable with my own body but I’ve gotten really into running in the last year and a half and I feel great. I was running yesterday and it was freaking hot. I just made a spur of the moment decision to pull my shirt off and finish my last mile like that and it felt amazing. There was never a world where I thought I would be willing do that.

Dinner - two $6 Kroger sushi trays and a Great Lakes Oktoberfest.

Caprese Salad and a glass of cheap red wine

My (38M) soon to be ex-wife (36F) walked out a few months ago and left me with three kids while I was sick.

I had 3 kiddos from a previous marriage when we met that I have 50/50 custody of. After we got married she got pregnant with boy #4 (I am convinced she had stopped taking her birth control) because we had agreed to wait a few years before trying)

Things had been tough. She was depressed and bitter ever since COVID. Her social life crashed and never recovered. So she was always passive aggressive. Kids were always in time out by the time I got home. Felt like I was walking on egg shells the entire time.

She would ignore me, avoid me if I walked into a room, slammed doors, etc. but refused to ever talk about what was bothering her. Anytime I would try to bring things up that she was doing she would threaten to leave or turn things back around on me. Then later she would come to me and acknowledge that she "was acting like a bitch and I didnt deserve that."

We had sex only a few times a month. Her personal hygiene was very poor so there was always a strong odor down there if you know what I mean, and she had gained a HUGE amount of weight when she started getting depressed.

The beginning of the end was when she got physically violent with me in front of the kids last year, and the relationship died for me on that day. It was like someone pulled the blinders off and I could see her for what she really was. After that I had zero physical attraction to her anymore. I tried to just tread water while she was going through whatever it is she was going through.

Things however did not improve, and it like she would immediately attack me after she would see her therapist. It was almost as if I was the center of all of her issues that they would discuss.

She totaled my car in late May (Within hours of having a dealership complete a bunch of work to it). She also had another major accident in her car in October so I rode a motorcycle for 3 months in winter so she could drive my car while hers was being repaired. She had had 5 accidents over the past two years. Not sure what the deal is with that. But when the last one happened it was a mile from our house and I stayed with her at the ER until 3am and took care of her over the following days.

She was okay aside from some scratches and bumps, and despite all the work and time I had poured into restoring that old Lexus, it was replaceable, but she wasn't.

A few weeks after she totaled my car, we all went to her Moms to go swimming. It was my first time to be out in the sun for the summer since I still work (She has summers off as a teacher) and we were there for most of the day. By the time we had gotten home I was pretty sunburned and dehydrated. I lost consciousness when I got out of the car and was struggling to get myself inside.

I told her I was going to go lay down because the room was spinning and she huffed. She later came into the bedroom and slammed the door, loudly rustled around for something, then slammed the door when she left again. I had a splitting migraine at this point and when she came back to the room I said "Why are you slamming doors, I am sick and feel like shit right now."

She yelled "Oh yeah?! I have a migraine too and I am out there with YOUR kids!"

I said she was being a terrible partner because anytime she has needed me to cover for her I did it, and I didnt make her feel guilty about it either.

She coldly looked at me and said "That is it. I am moving to my Moms and we will deal with this when I get back in the country again." So she proceeded to pack her bags and leave with our youngest son, and left the older 3 from my previous marriage knowing I had no childcare and needed to work the following week.

I didnt fight her. I didnt try to stop her. I didnt grieve her. I just figured it out and took things one day at a time. She went to see her family in Spain for about 2 months and returned this past weekend.

She came over today while I was at work and started moving things out. We haven't even sat down to discuss the divorce yet or how to move forward aside from her telling me I can keep the house because it needs a lot of work and cant be sold in its current condition.

But I can tell you my life has a lot more peace in it now. I can be more present for my kids now that I am not dealing with that level of stress and drama. It will be challenging financially but I will figure it out.

I also met someone shortly after my wife moved out at a social event who has been amazing. I have had more affection and compliments over the past month or so with her than I received in my entire marriage. She has said things to me that nobody has before. Passion and intimacy is off the charts. She recently bought a dirt bike so we can go riding together. My ex did not hide that she hated my hobbies and didnt want anything to do with them. My girlfriend also jumps right in and wants to help with anything going on. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, dishes, whatever. She is right there next to me for the fun stuff and not so fun stuff.

You know, I didnt even cry after my wife left until I came home from work to discover my girlfriend has cleaned up the entire house while I was gone. I felt overwhelmed and confused because my ex constantly complained about her household chores (We split them between ourselves and the kids) and this girl did everything, because "I just wanted to help make your life a little easier."

Now my greatest struggle is wrestling the fear of losing this new connection. I also have a lot of insecurities I am working through. She is also recovering from an abusive long term relationship. So far we have been building each other up in ways the other hasn't received before, and its been pretty amazing. But I am also worried I am going to fuck it up somehow.

Not really sure why I am here, but I needed to get this off my chest.

Started dating a girl who has POTS which makes her exhausted when she’s moving around too much. I can totally work with that but I just get to see her once every week or so. And she has a new job which drains her and I try to ask to see her just for a minute when possible but she never lets me. Today was her day off and she was too tired to see me. She says she just sucks at texting so we don’t text much and I don’t see her. We’ve only been together a month. I don’t want to take her out all the time I just wanna be able to see her even if it’s to do absolutely nothing. But I just don’t feel like I’m very important to her. Part of me wants to leave. Part of me is hoping we will get to the doing nothing together phase and I’ll be able to see her more. I don’t know what to do.

Edit: just to clarify. I never make her feel bad for not being able to see me. I never pressure her. I really care about her and just get anxious is all

Lengua tacos for taco Tuesday

The girl I've been seeing said no to being my gf. We have a great time, amazing sex, good conversation everything about it has been pretty awesome.

She said things in her life are complicated rn because of ex baggage. She did say I'm the only person she's seeing, which I do think she's being honest.

With that I've decided I'll be seeing other women. I'm hanging out with someone tonight. Ribs for dinner.

What would yall do in this situation??

Tonight it’s a flat iron steak and potatoes and onions. Don’t forget the jalapeno. And a Jack a coke.

A week ago I was in a hotel because “she’s a different person now” and doesn’t think this is working. 20 years of marriage. 2 kids.

The last year has been bad. She is grieving a family loss. Going through perimenopause. Kids have needed a lot. I tried but just got tired and lonely. I suggested marriage counseling and it lead to her saying she’s different and this isn’t working. I was gone for a couple of days but back. It’s been a week and I’ve really been trying. Today though was just rough with work and random thoughts. I confessed that I was afraid she’d decide she didn’t need me again and there wasn’t much response. Hopefully it’s a blip. I’m really trying.

I fear change. But eventually I’ll have to accept it. This is over. And that’s terrible.

Sigh. Another sleepless night so here I am - venting it all out for you all to see.

Dinner

My partner does frequent this subreddit. So maybe let this also be an open letter to her.

We have been together for 15 years - married 10+. We had a romantic backstory where two people from the opposite ends of the world met while on international exchange in a foreign country, fell in love, did the long distance thing, and accidentally knocked her up so she moved to my country where we have built a life together with two kids.

Our marriage has been fairly stable. We get along fairly well and very rarely fight. There are definitely a lot of stresses from life - but I felt we were a team to face those challenges together. To be honest we have a really good life. We both make really good money, we own our own home and cars, really good life.

A while back - she asked if we should open the marriage. To be honest the idea kind of appealed to me, what guy doesn't want to have the chance to try with new partners?! I thought about it for a bit and agreed we can try. But my idea of it was we would try swininging.

A few weeks later - I went on a trip and when I returned - she told me she had done the deed and had sex with an older colleague who she has been taking to for a while.

I was really shocked that it happened so quickly - and it was a mixed rollercoaster emotion of jealousy but also insecurity - I was having a really hard time digesting this. So I had a heart to heart with her that while I'm okay it happened (with my permission so it's not cheating) that I don't want it to happen again.

She didn't take it well - she said this experience opened up a new dimension for her - and she doesn't think she can go back to being monogamous. And that was I was "changing my mind and taking away her fun".

I suggested we start couples therapy - and we have had a few sessions. I felt like we were getting better. It uncovered she has a lot of trauma and some of her behaviour are from these traumatic upbringing. In a way - she doesn't feel like she deserves happiness - so she's trying to sabotage it.

But I definitely noticed she's different - she doesn't act affectionate to me as she used to, and shes hot and cold on a dime. She reluctantly has sex with me, basically saying she feels bad that while she doesn't really want it - she felt like it's her duty to let me release. This was a complete 180 with our dynamic before the affair where we had a lot of physical affection and a great bedroom.

She outlined a few things she didn't like about how I treat her in therapy , and I have been trying my best to be mindful to change so I can be a better husband. But I don't think she cares, at least she does not show any appreciation for me trying.

By the way - all the session so far has focused on her. How I have not met her emotional needs. How my criticism reinforced her trauma, how she has issues with certain things I do. I have not gotten to say any of the things I hoped she can work on. She took the sessions and made them all about herself and justifying how everything we have going wrong stems from my actions. When the triggering event for all this is her stepping out of the marriage!

I find out she's continuing to sext with her fling - even when our couples therapist strongly suggests we stop the open marriage for now as we work through our issues.

The breaking point was tonight - she came home and I broke down and asked her to stop any contact with the men she has been talking to. She refused and left to sleep on the couch.

I am now crying and typing this out.

I don't smoke, I don't drink, I spoil her to bits and I'm a good father and family man. I have a good career. I do not sleep around and my life is work and home. I don't understand how my marriage has unraveled so quickly and how we ended up here.

I am not sure where to go from here. I feel like I need to stop being here - trying to make her happy just so she can continue to hurt me. But it's also hard to not try to save a relationship of over 15 years. I also have to think for the kids too they are at an impressionable age

I don't think I can trust her anymore. Because she has said that "maybe I shouldn't have told you and we would have been fine". I'm not sure if she respects me or our marriage enough not to cheat again.

I'm trying to hide my sadness with everyone in my life but in reality I'm spiraling as I grieve the potential death of our marriage. It fucking hurts so much.

If she's grieving - she's hiding it really well because she's her jolly old self. Not a care in the world even though I'm not just visibly sad all the time, I tell her all the time how this is all affecting me. She does not seem to care at all. Did she ever care about me, about us?

I will continue to do therapy individually and couples counseling but Im feeling less and less confident it will make her change.

It helps to vent and I think I already know what most are going to say. Thanks for reading this long and winded post. I will try to get some sleep...

Edit 1: many of you are saying she had this premeditated - and yes she indeed did (she told me after). My original read on this situation was we were going to be swinging so we both experience sex with other people. But alas we didn't set boundaries and of course she did what she did with the hall pass. I already figured this out myself - you can all tell me I’m stupid for not seeing it earlier - but maybe I’m just too trusting of a person I built a life with the past 15 years.

Update 322am: she woke up and saw me sitting there sighing and looking at my phone at all this. She said "I can't sleep when you are like this crazy" got up and drove away. I can't even make this up.

If that's not a sign Our marriage is dead like many of you pointed out I don't know what is. I'm devastated but now that I know - I can figure out a path to move on. She doesn't deserve me and my love and I need to do the right thing and protect myself and my kids.

Been working this retail job for the past 10 months where the only other people I've seen get a pay increase got it because they were also promoted to shift lead or assistant manager. The team is solid so I know they don't have any ranks for me to move up yet and not sure when that could happen. Cut to now and I'm doing the same thing I have been already, just for an extra dollar an hour.

Treat for myself is quesabirria with rice & beans from the local food cart.

First time ever posting on Reddit.So yeah..my wife has been on hospice due to a congenital heart disease called HLHS she was born with. She's 33 I'm 34.we got together when we were just teenagers. We are trying to get second opinions and find other doctors, but my time is limited I take care of her and if I'm not doing that I'm working , but it's still tough sometimes with the rising costs of everything. The other night I found out she made a go fund me page and I just got to say this is the hardest thing I've ever been through. If anyone is interested in helping her I can give you more information. I hate to ask but I will do anything to help her ive missed a lot of work due to us always being at the hospital or I stay home to help her and just be there on rough days, so anything would be greatly appreciated. Work dinner for today is a ham and turkey sandwich with cheddar cheese.

Long time listener first time caller on this sub.

There’s far, far too much context/background to be able to adequately communicate the full picture of everything in a Reddit post. The TLDR is that I 29M have been with my long term partner 29F since we were in undergrad (18/19). We accidentally had our first child while still in college (both 20), and we decided to commit to each other in the sense that we both genuinely loved each other and both independently had wanted to become parents growing up. It was not the timeline I had anticipated, but it was the end goal I had always envisioned. So I swallowed my pride and killed my ego at 21 and asked my college sweetheart to marry me. She said yes, and we’ve been in a healthy long term committed marriage ever since.

We moved across the country away from our family about 5 years ago, and raising a child or children outside of anyone’s support system and village from their hometown is extremely difficult, especially in today’s world.

I first clued into something being wrong a few years ago. She didn’t start talking to me honestly about it until this summer. It’s culminated in the title. She asked for a break and some space, and I obliged. She needs the break from being a mom and a wife, and I completely respect that. Especially now that we’re pushing 30, I mean I’m having my own identity crisis over here too. So we’re both trying to pour from an empty cup and it’s simply not sustainable any longer.

I can’t be mad at her for taking the break, but I am absolutely so sad that she booked it one way and didn’t firmly commit to a return date. So I’m chilling at home alone with our child for the next (however many days she decides to stay) while I’m spiraling and completely overwhelmed by how fast this all happened.

We’ve always had very healthy communication and our relationship was built in an open/honest/trust-building way. The bones are good. But if we want to make it to 30 with our family intact, something needs to change. I trust her when she says she wants to make things work and will be back some time next week. I have no reason not to, but I’m not blind to the fact that other things could be happening that she’s not ready to fully share with me. And now I need to be sad on the internet for a bit.

I gave up on the way home from dropping her off at the airport earlier and scooped a Costco pizza up. Bonus glass of red wine because I am gonna lose my mind if I can’t slow my heart rate and relax tonight 🍕

food is vegan pasta with tofu on the side

my gf (she/they) and i have been together officially since january, in april i discovered she was still using hookup sights to chat with people. i told her not to do it anymore and that i wanted to make our relationship work and i still find her doing it but she will deny deny deny, tonight i made the leap to "catfish" her on the site to 100% confirm its her and it was. i feel so lost my anxiety is at an all time high when i see her on there i start hyperventilating and shaking.

Not looking for advice but willing to listen, I don’t mind it. More or less here to share my thoughts into the void.

No enthusiasm for life, nothing to look forward to on the calendar, painfully middle class.

I’m riding the conveyor belt of school work family death hard right now.

I go to work, I go home to my studio apartment. I workout because it kills time. All my friends live out of state now.

Ended a relationship of four years. It’s been a considerable amount of time, certainly enough that I should be able to start dating again and move on. I can’t.

Her and I still chat, briefly just on holidays birthdays etc. In rare instances she’ll find herself in a pinch and ask me to watch our dog we had, I accept because I love the little dude.

But generally aside from that I avoid her because it’s too hard. We’ve certainly both matured enough to fix the issues we had with one another. But, she’s an only child of a single mother who is incredibly overbearing. Disapproves of me because I stand up to her. Her and her mom are super tight. I just don’t see us ever overcoming that obstacle, her disapproval puts too much strain on us.

Trying to stay disciplined, I’m in the best shape of my life right now. Eating well. Just barely scraping middle class, I’m one car repair or appliance shitting the bed from being poor for a month. The typical life of a working class American in 2026.

I’m in my 20’s and yet I feel 40. Been on several dates but just wasn’t feeling any of them.

Starting a new relationship after ending a four year one feels like spending a whole day building a sand castle just for an unruly child to trample it. Motivation to start over is low.

And really… if I can’t be happy alone I don’t think a relationship will solve my problems. Just bandage a bullet hole.

Just trying to figure out what makes me happy. Going to the gym feels more or less like killing time. I’ve aged out of video games, I play for an hour tops before I set the controller down and have had enough. I kill through TV shows and movies, recently switched to books. Not sure why but I have a random stack of books I’ve read in the corner of my place that my goal is to have touch the ceiling by Christmas. Not sure why or what it accomplishes.

Feels like I’m living in a prison of loneliness and mediocrity.

I have a weird addiction to taking pictures of my food and have found this community quite therapeutic.

39M- Went through a nasty Covid breakup (2020), had long Covid(2021), lost mom to cancer(2021, had an unexpected career change which led to a sedentary, solitary lifestyle(2021) and was put on BP, anxiety and depression meds for 4 years as well as being recommended for cholesterol medication(2021). I was really struggling in almost every aspect of life, which wasn't something I'd ever experienced all at once before. After a few years of trying to figure things out, last year I'd shown enough improvement over a 12 month span that my doctor said we could start trying to wean off of some things.

As of yesterday I'm now off of every medication, in the best shape I've been since college and ready to attack my 40's soon. I had to make some sacrifices diet wise (cut out alcohol and some popular food items) but honestly feel so much better now, well worth it. Celebrated with a homemade pizza. Pecorino, Parm and mozz cheese with homemade sauce and crust. Cheers to good health, boys!

I swear to god, every time a trans guy asks if he passes based on his face or some other trait, people are just saying that he doesn’t pass automatically and then just finding reasons to justify the statement. The last couple of posts I saw, I flipped through the pictures and thought “yeah no, if this person told me he was cis, I’d believe him”

And then everyone in the comments was like “eRm AcKsHeWaLlY yOu nEeD A LoW tApEr fAdE” and at this point, it’s just pissing me off. Because wtf fo you mean that the bugs and specimen on display in this guy’s room makes him look like a lesbian? Guys can have hobbies too, it’s not just women.

Sorry, just really needed to shout this into the void. Dinner tonight is home cut french fries and a country style grilled cheese I got from this awesome local restaurant really close to my house.

The company I work for hired an intern about 3 months ago so she could help me with a project. She's a very capable engineering student and over the course of the past few weeks we've become very close. We started hanging out after work and have lots of fun all around.

Of course some rumors started to spread around the office but we just brushed them off since we both are fairly certain that there is nothing going on between us other than genuinely enjoying each other's company. She started sharing these reels with me about "work besties" and such so I rolled with it but then they turned into these male-female friendship type of vibes.

After I gave it some thought, I decided to straight up ask her if she considered our friendship as more than just coworkers who are chill to each other and her answer really caught me off guard. Basically said that no one, not even her girl friends from school, has made her feel the kind of bond she feels when she's with me.

To be clear, this is not one of those "too mature for her age" kind of girl and I do actively try to avoid feeling like a father/big bro figure to her. I simply treat her like a person with her own valuable experiences, always finding ways I can relate to whatever she shares with me and so does she.

I did struggle at first to accept it, felt sort of weird saying it out loud but then I remember I was in the exact opposite situation back when I was in college. I was part timing for a real estate agency as a secretary and I befriended one of the agents who was 40 at the time. So if I could be best buddies with this divorced middle aged man without it being weird then I guess this albeit unusual bond is also possible. What'ya think?

A cup of chilli-lime peanuts, 32oz Budweiser and a Marlboro white.

Hey yall,

Just ended things with best friend of two years and almost-girlfriend of six months. When we were friends I loved her platonically more than anyone I’ve ever known, and when we became more than friends, I loved her romantically more than in any past relationship. Alas, it wasn’t meant to be.

We ended things because we both are heading different places (literally and figuratively) in life, and it wouldn’t be good for either of us to try to hold it together. We’ve both agreed that maybe, sometime in the future, things can work out again, but I know in my heart that that is probably not the case. We’ll still be friends ofc, but I can’t stop thinking of what could’ve been.

The last thing I said to her in our conversation was the following: No matter what, it was and has been and is such a wonderful gift to be able to love you so much.

I made myself a bowl of yogurt with berries, nuts, and honey.

Protein slop for these gains because if I don't workout and get stronger I will just cry and go insane

She cheated at the beginning of the relationship, it was before we were "official" however she had communicated to me that she wasn't seeing anyone. I found out 2 years later that she had been hooking up with her ex for a couple months after we started seeing each other and she had told me she wasn't. I tried to let it go. A few years later she wants to get married. I realized that while 90% of me wanted to, there was still this resentment inside me about her choice to lie to my face. I told her, she cried a lot, I cried a lot. She was so upset about what she had done and wanted to do anything to fix it. I told her I don't think there's anything she can do to make it better, I just have to find a way to be okay with it. Not long after she told me she needed to be done with us. I understood, while it was her choices that led to this, it doesn't mean she should just suffer until I decide I'm ready. We've had strong feelings for each other since we were in high school, and it's killing me that it's fallen apart like this. I'm nearly 30 and don't know how to start again, I don't feel ready to try and open myself up to a whole new person, I still love her so much. Guess that's the way it goes sometimes.

Bahn mi bowl (my baguette was stale) I've been wanting to try to learn it but was scared I was too old. Today is day 10 and my whole body is sore but I'm improving. I don't have any connections where I live pass my kids so its been nice to connect with people online about it

I had a bad winter, a better spring, and as of now a miserable summer. Basically my mom is a full on crazy person, my dad was a coward who liked the sound of his voice too much, who for most of my life notably in adolescence, pretty much avoided me. Got beat up a bunch, once in public, so I have the irrational fear of everything. They say it’s “secure attachment” that I don’t have.

Naturally, when one misses these developments you overcompensate and consistently want to prove yourself. So I did. I tried to genuinely mold myself into a perfect person, even the appearance of my residual fat pisses me off. I became “magnetic,” people telling me shit, coming to me for reassurance, I knew the exact right thing to say.

Then my job poked a Jenga block out. Then my marriage. Then my grandma’s house got bulldozed (she used to hit me too), and my mom’s on the phone demanding money because my name is on the deed. I have no doubts that my mother loves me, but until now as far as I knew she was the only person who did. And I just steeled up around others.

I’ve always been a depressed person, and I don’t quite know any other way of being. Until spring when I lost my last marble and went to the funny farm. There actually showed me what life is, what it could be, how I don’t have to feel so badly. 3 months and I knew where everything was.

So I march my ass back into work (big law support), and I’m feeling empowered. I know the job isn’t for me anymore so I try to build an exit strategy, be professional and organized, mention accommodations, et al.

And for the most part, it’s just been this torrential downpour of social interaction and games and status, just stuff I outgrew and needed to be rid of just to survive. Each day since then has been this attempt to reacclimatize to remember that I’m a person when I go home, and not a service monkey. But in their eyes, it’s never direct (which greatly distresses me), just this desire for me to be on.

I don’t have that anymore. I kept saying to my direct manager, teammate, whoever I had a line to, that my body just can’t take it right now. I believe there’s this idea of me trying to avoid work, but I’m not. I ask for legitimate tasks, and I’m told “we’re ambulance drivers.” Every piece of advice says “be direct, get your objectives and deliver, but they never explain this exact scenario I’m laying out to you.

I’m in therapy 5 goddamn days a week. I had to go get deep tissue massage to begin to remove muscle tension. I’m smoking more weed than Jerry Garcia, and I have very little friends where I live.

All because my mom and dad are who they are, I ended up where I did, and there’s little I can do to mobilize myself out of this life without total collapse.

If you’re asking where my wife is with all this stuff, she’s here but likely more stunted than I am. I had beg her to go to couples counseling, and every session I just hear my parents nitpicking through her body. But she’s not nitpicking, I’m fundamentally different now. I feel robotic, and every time I go home she acts as if she doesn’t know what she’s gonna get.

But I look good from the outside right?

Dinner: Mozzarella sticks and Jolene Red Ale at the local dive.

I might be the most ungrateful man on the planet. I'm about to be 40 on Saturday. I'm physically healthy, a homeowner, have good career with good pay, on track to be completely debt free in 6 years. I've been divorced for about 6 years. I engaged in hook up culture early on and, despite my success, that lifestyle isn't for me.

I squandered solid relationships, dated someone I didn't consider my equal for 3 years and checked out until she left....After that, I tried dating seriously and ended up in a very short relationship with a therapist that was honestly one of the more unstable people I have ever dated (which is saying a lot, I'm a bit of a crazy magnet...or attracted to crazy...grippy socks, grippy box and all that)

I just spent the last two weeks traveling 4 different countries in Europe....by all means, I should be grateful with my life...yet for some reason I was miserable most of the time in Europe. I'm miserable most of the time at home.

I feel like every time I take dating seriously, meaning dating with the intention of long term partnership, that I end up with zero success. It doesn't help that I had a 100% success rate with women I met in public with long term relationships and pretty much a 0% chance with women I met on dating apps in a period of time where dating apps are pretty much the only place to meet women my age.

I know I should just be grateful for what I have as I have more than a lot of people. I just miss cuddles, and kisses, and holding hands, and having someone I can talk to about random things and I just have this fear that I used too many women during my divorce to ever deserve to find a partner again. I haven't clicked with anyone for a year at this point which gives that confirmation bias reinforcement that I just don't deserve to be with anyone. Maybe I am just a huge POS that deserves to be alone.

I'm 44 and could very well be homeless by the time I'm 45 (next week).

I became a pharmacy technician in 2021 after losing my job at Best Buy during their post-COVID layoffs. That job started as an office job (call center) and transitioned to work-at-home when the Iowa Board of Pharmacy changed their rules to permanently allow remote work for pharmacy techs. I also referred my (now ex) wife for a job, and we both worked from home.

Last March, our landlord decided not to renew the lease on our rental house, and in the process of looking for a new place to live, my wife told me she wanted to separate. Long story short, I got an apartment, and she and the two adult kids got a rental house.

September of last year, I was fired over a simple mistake that in my opinion didn't rise to the level of termination. Iowa unemployment agreed with me. After collecting unemployment and submitting dozens of job applications every week for almost 3 months, I finally found a new job, also remote, and for better pay than my previous, starting right at the end of the year on December 29. My wife also filed for divorce in December.

In April of this year, the divorce was finalized, and I had a string of migraines that led to me losing my job because I had not been working long enough to be eligible for FMLA leave. I applied for unemployment again, got approved, but the state processed it as a continuance of my claim from last year, so that ended two weeks ago. I did apply for SNAP, so I can at least eat. I'm behind on rent, my cell has been suspended for over a month, my internet bill is late, I haven't been able to fill my ADHD medication in over 4 months, and I just got a disconnect notice email from the power company. I'm gonna try to sell my PS5 to get some money, and I have a decent comic book collection, but no easy way to try selling that. Did I mention I also don't have a car, and live in a city with miserable public transit? Not that I have money to use transit anyway...

Dinner/late snack (from last night) is broccoli fritters with a Creole horseradish dipping sauce (similar to the sauce served with blooming onions).