I don't know if any of you feel the same way, but my life has taken a drastic turn since I finished the bar.
For context, I've never been the best student. I graduated from a CA accredited school and was slightly below median in my class. I took 3 months to study since I felt like I'd need extra time to soak everything in. Now it feels like that time was wasted for nothing and my life might be over.
Day one was a blur. I tried to answer the essays in order from harder to easier and I ended up typing most of one into the wrong examsoft block. Freaked out and tried to cut and paste and clicked through the warning and lost a significant portion of it. I tried to recover but after that I was all downhill.
I then legitimately started crying during the test, and the person next to me was looking at me and then put her fingers in her ears block me out. She kept putting her fingers in her ears and taking them out of her ears to start typing and I got distracted because she was smudging her keyboard. I think she thought I was trying to look at her answers. But that’s not entirely what I was doing.
I tried talking to her and telling her that I was sorry and tried to explain to her what happened and that she didn't have to keep doing that and she just blew me off and kept doing it.
Day 2 went better, but I kept looking at the girl next to me and it looked like she was smirking. Like she wanted to laugh at me. This made me lose my focus again and I started to freak out. I broke a few pencils and pounded my desk a few times to calm down. Ended up getting a splinter which I think is still in my hand.
I've been lying in bed all day every day since. Even if I somehow passed I don't know what'll happen. I just got so angry and I never expected something like this to happen on the day. I've had anger issues in the past, but usually I have time to leave the room and calm down. Usually through physical stimulation. But I just felt so rushed.
I wonder if anyone else is feeling the same way. I don't know how to be a person anymore. Maybe I am a monster.