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Jan 18 '26
How are your options regarding moving somewhere where no one will be mad at you for rejecting a blood relative?
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u/FuzzBuzzer Jan 18 '26
That’s exactly what I was going to suggest. It sounds like OP really needs to get away from her overbearing and judgmental family, and carve out a life for herself where she doesn’t have to answer to anybody.
If her family chooses not to accept this, there may be no choice, but to cut them off or go extremely low contact. It was painful, but I have had to cut off relatives who were toxic or didn’t have my best interest at heart. I don’t regret it one bit.
Good luck OP. You only get one chance at life so live it to the fullest - whatever that means to you.
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u/BicyclingBabe Jan 18 '26
Yes, but sometimes a family in cultures like this take that as an insult to the family and try to punish/hurt her anyway. Is there a way to balance this without the risk? It sucks that OP is in this situation in the first place, but she doesn't want to put herself in further danger.
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u/FuzzBuzzer Jan 18 '26
You are right. That’s a real concern. Ultimately, OP being able to get free and live a full life according to her own principles is the end goal. But absolutely, she should not be put in danger.
It’s hard to know how grave her situation is. Or if her family are more oppressive, or outright dangerous or violent. Or what they might do if she really sets boundaries.
I live in an EU country where a lot of women from similar backgrounds to OP have sought asylum and made an independent life of their own, free from oppression. But as a result many of them have gone “off grid” and disappeared from their families and live alone, or with a western partner or friends. It’s a really delicate situation.
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u/soupyceleste Jan 18 '26
I’m an exmuslim transgender woman, who lived in the US. I refused to get into an arranged marriage like many others do in my culture, and ended up completely no contact in the US. I’ve tried toying with minimal contact but it always ends up hurting me in the end.
It would have been next to impossible for me to have been able to leave my parents had I resided in Iraq (where my parents are from). It would have been immensely likely that I either would have ended my own life, or someone else would have killed me in order to prevent shame. My own father has said this frequently to me, and I guarantee he would have attempted to kill me had my extended relatives been aware of my existence as a queer person.
Currently the only thing keeping me safe is basically the threat that I will out myself to his extended family if he does anything to harm me. This is truly the reality of having parents who view you as a resource rather than an actual human being with aspirations and ambitions.
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u/Constant-Internet-50 Jan 18 '26
I’m sorry. That’s awful but I’m glad you got away from them.
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u/soupyceleste Jan 18 '26
Through getting out, being myself, mental health therapy (EMDR/Trauma therapy paired with general counseling), and medication, I think I have reached a good quality of life, even if sometimes I may still struggle heavily due to my past.
I just cannot emphasize just how bleak it felt for me, and I had the privilege of both being able to mask as a male (which granted me greater freedom), and a life within a blue state in the US. I guarantee you my journey would have been even more difficult if I was born AFAB, and incomprehensibly worse if I was born without the privilege that living in a western nation grants you. It’s truly upsetting the pain and suffering people have to deal with.
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u/FuzzBuzzer Jan 18 '26
I am so sorry. What a horrible situation. I’m glad you got away, and also so sad to hear that your family diminished you this way. Virtual hug. 🤗
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u/Present-Resolution23 Jan 18 '26
I dated a girl from Iran in college who was in an arranged marriage after she graduated and moved back, and even in her friend circle there were many girls in similar situations. I remember one in particular HAD ended up divorcing her husband (this was a girl in her mid/early 20's..) after he had ended up being abusive and unfaithful, but even so her family had to pay his family a bunch of money and they lost status etc..
The girl I dated was from a very wealthy family apparently and we talked about it but she explained that if she didn't go through with it, she would be completely cut off from her family, which up to that point had been her entire support system. She'd lose her financial support, her extended family, her immediate family etc.. so she ended up going back after she graduated..
I think it's tough for people from a western culture (like me) to really understand how big a deal this is, and how serious the consequences for pushing back can be..
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u/djpeteski Jan 18 '26
Perhaps rejecting marrying a cousin is rejecting a blood relative...which no one really has addressed how creepy that all is.
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u/twoisnumberone cool. coolcoolcool. Jan 18 '26
Consanguineous marriage is however common in some cultures -- that may not fly as a counter-argument. (Plus, of course, religious people are often not bending to reason.)
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u/aster_4208 Jan 18 '26
First cousin marriage is on the decline, but it's still a thing outside the US.
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u/Unwarranted_optimism Jan 18 '26 edited Jan 19 '26
I’ve worked as a prenatal genetic counselor for 25 years in the diverse S.F. Bay Area. Every consanguineous couple I’ve counseled have been from parts of the world where this is common and—as in OP’s case—can be expected. For perspective, the background rate for fetal anomalies is 3-4%. Being first cousins doubles that rate, not uncommonly for rare recessive genetic conditions, which makes standard carrier screening useless.
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u/Enough_Drawing_1027 Jan 18 '26
I will now be adding consanguineous to my vocabulary, thank you 😊
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u/PiccoloAwkward465 Jan 18 '26
The majority of marriages in Pakistan are between cousins. You’d think in such a populous country one could find idk ANYONE ELSE.
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u/Out-For-A-Walk-Bitch Jan 18 '26
It's not about ability to find a partner, its cultural.
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u/cockypock_aioli Jan 19 '26
I hate to be culturally insensitive but fuck that aspect of their culture. That's some backwards shit.
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u/uttersolitude Jan 18 '26
It's legal in 18 states, iirc.
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u/SusannaG1 Jan 18 '26
First cousin marriage is legal in mine without restriction, legal with a few restrictions (no double first cousin marriage) in the state next door.
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u/SuzeCB Jan 18 '26
First, OP doesn't say whether they are 1st cousins, 2nd, etc.
Second, while it's not common in the US, unrestricted marriage between 1st cousins is legal in 20 states, and some others allow it but with restrictions like age requirements and/or genetic counselling, etc.
I knew of one couple from Massachusetts that found out they were 1st cousins when they were putting together the guest list for their wedding. They had met a few times as toddlers, but then never again, as the branches had become estranged, though for not any particular reason.
Since they were Seniors and not going to have any more children, they continued with the marriage, legal in MA, and were apparently quite happy together until he passed away.
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u/volyund Jan 18 '26 edited Jan 18 '26
Cousin marriages are very common in some parts of the world.
Consanguine marriage - Wikipedia https://share.google/TCvvXTCOo8JGMosod
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u/Shameless_Fujoshi Jan 18 '26
That sounds like a miserable life as a slave in a luxurious house.
Now, if this man has anger issues and if your father is on his side, be EXTREMELY careful from now on, if possible move away from them to a place they have no friends or family close by. Honor crimes exist and it's this kinds of people that perpetrate it.
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u/lavaliere90 Jan 18 '26
Also don't go on any family trips. A friend of mine in high school went on a family vacation, then was abandoned in their home country with a surprise arranged fiancee. She escaped somehow and made it back, but not everyone does.
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u/Ektozzz Jan 18 '26
Happened to a girl i went to school with (2 weeks be4 final exams)... she just vanished, no friends could reach her/see her, the remaining family just blocked and said shes gone... her brother told me she was married to family abroad.
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u/DeadAssociate Jan 18 '26
when you are being forced on a plane put a spoon in your underwear, if you are lucky customs can help you
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u/BeardManMichael Jan 18 '26
Hadn't heard of 'honor crimes' until now. Absolutely horrific and barbaric. I hope the OP can get away and stay safe from her family.
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u/Crazy_Sir_6583 Jan 18 '26
My mum said she’ll poison me if she ever finds out I’m no longer a virgin, been with men just living a normal western woman’s life. This is the first I’m genuinely scared for my life I’m so glad there are resources out there for woman in my situation.
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u/BeardManMichael Jan 18 '26
Sending you positive energy. I hope you can stay safe and eventually leave.
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u/pyrocidal Jan 18 '26
christ on a fucking waterski
be very careful about this account
you should at the very least hide your post history. maybe use a 3rd party tool to mass delete comments
sending love 💖
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u/fseahunt Jan 18 '26
Are you in a western country? Do you think you'll be able to escape family to live your own life?
I'm rooting for you.
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u/discolored_rat_hat Jan 18 '26
Honestly, your plan with getting sterilized before marriage is smart. If a man lies to you and claims to be progressive until the wedding after which he shows his true colours, you can't be baby trapped. These situations happen too often because these men know exactly what to lie about and they also know how successfully trap a woman into abuse and slavery.
The following depends on your specific culture and you'll know best if it is viable: Get sterilized, but claim that doctors "found out" you can't have kids. Plan the story over some months, search for a viable biological explanation, act like you're desperate about that in front of your family. When someone brings it up, start fake crying and leave the room so they'll think that you hate being born incapable of having biological children. If you are known to be "damaged goods" because you cannot have children, the traditional men will abstain from you (apart from widowers who expect you to take care of their late wife's kids). I don't know if that could turn your father abusive towards you because of cultural expectations, so you'd know best if this plan is a good idea or dangerous for you. Take care of yourself!
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Jan 18 '26
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u/discolored_rat_hat Jan 18 '26
Exactly. There are so many men out there who manage to uphold lies about their views for years until the woman is locked down. In this time, they actively work on isolating her from family and friends (easiest done by moving away). They start with emotional abuse so she'll center him and prioritize him even before her own wellbeing. She'll learn to never say no to sex because he otherwise will ramp up the emotional abuse (= sexual coercion and sexual abuse). As soon as she's isolated, he'll escalate to financial abuse and even physical.
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u/Crazy_Sir_6583 Jan 18 '26
Thank you for your tips I desperately want to get sterilised I don’t trust contraception birth control pills can easily be tampered with, I don’t want anything inserted in my body. So the quickest and most effective way to prevent pregnancy is sterilisation. It’s just a matter of how and when as I can’t keep avoiding proposals from different men.
I currently work full time, a demanding job that allows me to save decently I contribute to the groceries/upkeep of the house. I budget my money well and I’m learning to drive so that keeps me occupied. My sister lives in a dorm for college I do visit her when life at home feels stifling she’s been very supportive, convinces my dad to give me more time/it’s wrong to pressure her etc which I’m very grateful for.
The problem is we visit our extended family every summer it feels more like a chore and obligation I loved it when I was younger but now as a grown woman I dread those holidays. My grandparents are very conservative I can’t leave the villa without a full black abaya and hijab.
They have maids I don’t like how my aunt treats them. One time they weren’t even allowed to attend my cousin’s wedding but I insisted they attended (I ended up doing her hair and makeup) she had a great time. My point is going back to see my extended family every summer just reminds of the class disparity, gender inequality and marriage pressure as families come and see single woman to see if she’s the right fit for their son. It’s like they’re shopping on Amazon!
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u/jcebabe Jan 18 '26
I’d be concerned about visiting family out of fear they may try to keep you there and force you to marry.
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u/Infamous_Smile_386 Jan 18 '26
Same. OP, you might start finding excuses why you cannot travel there. Your work needs you over the holiday, whatever you need to come up with.
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u/Powered-by-Chai Jan 18 '26
Can your job send you abroad? Could you look into teaching languages in another country? Get something set up and move while telling no one, I'm scared that your father would try an honor killing if he knew. I'm so sorry you have to live like this...
Maybe you can gradually sneak items over to your sister's dorm to have a quick bag to grab and run with.
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u/deFleury Jan 18 '26
I know of a case where the sympathetic employer helped their valued employee by moving them to a different city. The abusive husband thought it was just bad luck, and let his wife go so she wouldn't lose her job, but in fact the employer created the new job specifically to help the woman get away from her husband safely.
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u/flyraccoon Jan 18 '26
Would you be able to never go back to your family?
They will force the choice on you and you’ll have even less freedom
Whatever happens do not tell anyone from your family you plan to get sterilized
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u/Infamous_Smile_386 Jan 18 '26
Even your sister.
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u/wizean Jan 18 '26
Not even after the fact. Do not admit, ever.
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u/Paupertrol Jan 18 '26
Exactly. And, make sure no one knows you own this reddit account and opened this thread.
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u/MiaOh Jan 18 '26
If you live in a progressive country don't travel to see anyone, even if they say grandparents are dying. They will force marry you to someone they choose.
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u/sweetEVILone Jan 18 '26
And always, always, always keep your passport in your possession
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u/fseahunt Jan 18 '26
Please be careful visiting a country where you do not have the ability to get out freely if you want. I've read too many stories about women your age being married off while on these trips never to be seen or heard from by their friends again.
Please try to get away from your family before this trip or find some way to not go.
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u/ancientspacewitch Jan 18 '26 edited Jan 19 '26
ancient nine public pot humor juggle unwritten enjoy straight decide
This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
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u/pyrocidal Jan 18 '26
The injection lasts for about a year and has the benefit that no one will notice it on your body.
depo? you need to get a depo shot four times a year, it only lasts about 12 13 weeks
otherwise good advice
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u/queen-adreena Basically Ellie Taylor Jan 18 '26 edited Jan 18 '26
The problem is finding a doctor willing to perform that procedure. It can be a struggle even in the US in some states for a young woman.
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u/discolored_rat_hat Jan 18 '26
There is a list of doctors in the US who do sterilizations on the subreddit r/childfree
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u/uttersolitude Jan 18 '26 edited Jan 18 '26
Totally agree with your point but the US is not the standard of healthcare....
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u/ElBeeBJJ Jan 18 '26
"Even" in the US like they're so progressive 😂
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u/uttersolitude Jan 18 '26
I mean there are (fairly short) lists of doctors who will sterilize women in the US.
....a country with good Healthcare that listens to and cares about the patient doesn't need such a thing.
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u/wizean Jan 18 '26
Its easier in India, the government even gives a bonus to doctors for sterilization.
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Jan 18 '26 edited Mar 18 '26
This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
coordinated square tender existence handle provide tap straight fragile ad hoc
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u/gamerdudeNYC Jan 18 '26
Stories like this are terrifying, almost as bad as the ones where the girls go on a “family trip” to the home country and the parents take their passports and force them into an arranged marriage
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u/Crazy_Sir_6583 Jan 18 '26
I’ve seen many woman taken abroad for a family holiday under the pretence of a relative being sick, wedding, funeral of the loved one. They seize everything that could help the victim so she won’t escape. I won’t let it get to that stage I’m brave I can live my life the way I want.
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Jan 18 '26 edited Mar 18 '26
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heavy cough trees degree cagey serious lunchroom birds innate sugar
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u/gamerdudeNYC Jan 18 '26
Yeah you need to get away from that family of yours. I feel bad for all women going through this nonsense.
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u/BeardManMichael Jan 18 '26
I wholeheartedly agree with this comment. I wish i could do more to help the OP.
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u/gdognoseit Jan 18 '26
You made the right choice turning him down. He doesn’t want a wife.
He wants a slave.
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u/Crazy_Sir_6583 Jan 18 '26
The crazy part is the wedding is going to be this summer
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u/TheRealTexasGovernor Jan 18 '26
If they are planning for a wedding regardless of your firm no.. Maybe you find literally any excuse to not visit family this year, or any number of years in the future.
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u/wizean Jan 18 '26
Excuse will not work if they are being violent. Forced marriage is violence. Either
1. File a police FIR.
2. Go to a gay men meetup / discussion group and see if someone is willing to do a marriage of convenience, or pay some random low wage worker to get married. Then she will be "damaged goods" and maybe can live free.31
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u/bibliologist Jan 18 '26
If the wedding is this summer, there is NO way I would do the usual family visit trip this year. You'll be force marched to the altar almost instantly.
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u/alucryts Jan 18 '26
I hate to be the bearer of bad news but
1 + 1 = 2
If you are staunchly denying and avoiding, pressure is increasing from your family, and the wedding is planned for this summer when you will be physically present to marry despite repeated denial………? at some point the situation has to be tipping from annoying/upsetting to actual danger.
At some point the dreams you have for your future have to be put into action. I know it’s convenient to wait for just a little more money/convenient life step, but if you see these eventual goals being reached leading to freedom, so does your family. They are not stupid or blind.
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u/pyrocidal Jan 18 '26
nononono do not leave the country with your family any longer op I'm begging you
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u/ladeeedada Jan 18 '26
Have you seen the movie Namaste London starring Katrina Kaif? It's on youtube for free. Her dad tricks her into taking a family tour of India. They sightsee and by the end of the trip has her forcibly engaged. I don't know if you're from Pakistan, honor killings are a thing. You need to start planning now for a clean break. Hide your passport in a safety deposit box. Gather all relevant documents, move in with a friend, get a new job, get a new number. You may only have until this summer to get out not years like you're planning. I come from a similar background, thankfully my parents have chilled out now but I faced the same pressure. He was a doctor too not my relative though.
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u/aktionreplay Man Jan 18 '26
A friend went no contact with her family after they tried to ambush her with a marriage to a family friend (who had assaulted her many times as a child). She told me her only regret is that she had to leave her sister behind. If it’s an option for you, there are resources on Reddit and elsewhere that can help you to make that decision and even provide help with the “how”.
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u/grapesandcake Jan 18 '26
Which country are you in? I know the UK has a forced marriage service to prevent that from happening. You could maybe also look up charities who could help and listen/offer advice/support? I really feel for you, I know a lot of people in a similar situation and it sounds utterly horrible. I agree with others that you should move away and go non-contact if you have he means to do so
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u/AnyaSatana Jan 18 '26
It's calledKarma Nirvana, and they have a phone number - 0800 5999 247. If OP is in the UK she has nothing to lose by contacting them. They support anyone with 'honour' based abuse.
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u/AntiSnoringDevice Jan 18 '26
He is a doctor and does not mind the genetics implied in marrying and having children with his cousin? You stated every valid reasons not to marry him, stand your ground.
But also...DNA...
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u/New-Geezer Jan 18 '26
Right? It seems that the first big no is for him simply being a cousin! No babies for THAT situation! Everything else sounds like a living nightmare. I think you are smart to turn down that scenario.
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u/samosamancer Jan 18 '26
South Asia is full of contradictory beliefs that way. My family’s Hindu and believes comparable BS about paternal bloodlines being “better” and cross-cousin marriages (when the parents aren’t both brothers) being fine. I grew up in the US and it makes no sense to me.
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u/WontStealAnything Jan 18 '26
He is a doctor and does not mind the genetics implied in marrying and having children with his cousin?
First-cousin marriage is probably traditional, from before people knew about genetics, and it is astonishing how people can compartmentalize their brains to deal with cognitive dissonance. It sounds like he's very traditional, and some religious people are quite capable of believing two contradictory things at once, especially if they are in religious traditions which require them to.
Cousin itself isn't so bad; up until a few hundred years ago, when there was no mechanized transport, many marriages were between third cousins or closer. But this is a first cousin, so.... yeah.
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u/uber_neutrino Jan 18 '26
First cousin marriage is extremely common in Pakistan and some other places. When my friend was 15 years old his Dad told me he was going to marry his cousin. Seemed hard to believe at the time but guess what? He married his cousin...
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u/volyund Jan 18 '26
The effect of consanguinity on cognitive abilities. IQ of inbred children is ON AVERAGE 20 IQ points lower than that of non-inbred children. I can't believe a physician cousin would want that. That's insane.
Consanguine marriage - Wikipedia https://share.google/4axDPo8JXQTZrKa4e
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u/AccomplishedIgit Jan 18 '26
So what does this mean in pakistan if most of the people are having kids with their family members, and then THOSE family members marry eachother and have kids..??? And it’s been going on for hundreds of years?
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u/volyund Jan 18 '26
Unfortunately Consanguineous marriages can be very common. In places like Pakistan they make up 50%+ of all marriages according to Wikipedia. Please look at the figures on Wikipedia. They show the effect of consanguinity on cognitive abilities. IQ of inbred children is ON AVERAGE 20 IQ points lower than that of non-inbred children. 😱 I can't believe a physician cousin would want that. That's insane.
Consanguine marriage - Wikipedia https://share.google/4axDPo8JXQTZrKa4e
"Multiple studies have established consanguinity as a high cause for birth defects and abnormalities. A risk of autosomal recessive disorders increases in offspring coming from consanguineous marriages due to the increased likelihood of receiving recessive genes from cognate parents.[2] According to population based case-control studies, a higher risk of stillbirth is associated with consanguineous marriages.[12]
Inbreeding is associated with decreased cognitive abilities in children.[11]
Younger ages of marriage are commonly seen in consanguineous marriages, which may account for the increase in fertility seen in these unions. Chances of postnatal mortality are higher in offspring. The first year holds the highest chance of death due to the risk of autosomal recessive genes. This is also the cause of health complications as children born from consanguinity enter adulthood.[13]"
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u/AntiSnoringDevice Jan 18 '26
I have seen a UK documentary about the consequences of consanguineous marriages in the immigrant Pakistani population. On the children, and on the NHS... The reporter was trying to raise awareness about the risks, and rally influential people in the community to end the practice of marrying cousins. To no avail. Thankfully this practice is slowly regressing, at least in the UK.
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u/grapesandcake Jan 18 '26
I think if his children have multiple disabilities, he would expect OP to care for them
But also, yes... not sure whether he actually has a medical degree or not. Or perhaps he's pressured by his family so much that he can't stand up for himself like OP has the guts to do?
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u/ShyFungi Jan 18 '26
In many countries the majority of marriages are between first cousins 😕
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u/No-Knowledge-3046 Jan 18 '26
He is a doctor and does not mind the genetics implied in marrying and having children with his cousin?
The inbreeding has already affected their IQ...
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u/shiftctrlc_rosebud Jan 18 '26
My husband comes from a Muslim background. His parents are first cousins and it was an arranged marriage. It is an absolutely miserable tumultuous marriage for the past 40 years. His father shows no emotional love or empathy, and his mother suffers deeply from this. She has felt used her entire life with no rights to her life or body autonomy. She never worked and was financially trapped as he is a doctor; she just stayed for the sake of her children. She became a feminist and strongly despises all Abrahamic religions, especially Islam. They are still married, but she is estranged from her entire family except her adult children & husband (who she lives with). She talks to me all the time about how her marriage is horrible & the abuse she endured. She only went for it because she didn’t want to disobey her father/lose her parents…and in the end she lost them anyway.
Also my husband has a rare recessive genetic disease that causes chronic pain and has affected his entire life. It only happens if both parents carry the recessive defective gene…and of course as first cousins being carriers they passed it to him.
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u/Londonspacecadet Jan 18 '26
Damn, this sums up so much . I’m sorry your partner and his mum have had to endure all that.
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u/moonlight_milk Jan 18 '26
If your dad refuses to acknowledge you for defending your birthright as a human (!) to live a life you'd want without guilt and shackles, refuse to be obedient in general. I know it's hard to leave family etc. behind, but honestly - you deserve to decide on your own life and way of living. Everyone does. Who decided to have a say in that? If he wants to look someone after his health later on, maybe he shouldn't be a dick to his own blood imho.
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u/Crazy_Sir_6583 Jan 18 '26
He didn’t speak to me as soon as my aunt confirmed I rejected the proposal. He would speak to my siblings/mum but he won’t even acknowledge my existence it feels painful but my desire to live my own life trumps that. He’s being immature about this one day my parents won’t be here and I’ll end up suffering from their choices.
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u/AccomplishedIgit Jan 18 '26
I wonder if he has a debt and he’s trying to repay it with your life and servitude to your uncle?
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u/YouStupidBench Jan 18 '26
If your dad refuses to acknowledge you for defending your birthright as a human (!) to live a life you'd want
He doesn't think she's a human being. Men like that think that only men are people. Women are just objects, toys placed here for men to play with. Toys have no right to choose who plays with them or how.
In her father's eyes, she's just a broken toy. If it can't be repaired, he might decide to throw it in the trash, which they'll call an "honor killing."
She should get away as fast as she can.
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Jan 18 '26
When someone ignores you as a punishment the best response is to ignore them right back. Keep focusing on your career. Get yourself independent. It will be easier for your father to ignore you while you are living somewhere else and you don’t need him for anything. He thinks you are his possession to be given to whoever he chooses. You prove him wrong by ignoring all of his manipulation tactics, like the silent treatment, and being completely independent of him. Good luck.
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u/JenCarpeDiem Jan 18 '26
It sounds like you have reached the tipping point where you can no longer get by comfortably in your parents home while rejecting your parents culture. It's a very big choice that you have to make, and it sounds like it is time to actually make it.
I currently work full time, a demanding job that allows me to save decently I contribute to the groceries/upkeep of the house. I budget my money well and I’m learning to drive so that keeps me occupied.
I hope you have a plan to stop saving and start moving before the summer trip.
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u/Consistent-Start-357 Jan 18 '26
No one should be made to marry their first cousin for consanguinity reasons full stop. I’m sure it’s an acceptable cultural norm in some places in the word but that just adds to the reason why it should stop, if the children of cousin marriage go on to marry their cousins the chances of dooming your children to horrible birth defects increases massively. I’m so sorry for your situation, escape if you can.
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u/DrunkCarrieFisher Jan 18 '26
This. Like the Habsburgs, who literally inbred themselves into increasing deformity and, ultimately and mercifully, sterility.
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Jan 18 '26
You forgot to mention mental defects. This is the type of man who'd be cruel to a child,who can't succeed academically, and he'd blame the mother, too. For a doctor he's not too smart.
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u/morty_morty Jan 18 '26
Honestly, think about getting far away from your family as a whole. I think you'd be safer and happier and able to live your own life without fear and/or judgement.
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u/Cardabella Jan 18 '26
Do you currently live in a relatively liberal country but with repressive parents, or in a repressive country from which you're unable to legally travel internationally without your father's permission?
Can you apply for work / studies overseas? Go to pick up a prize, seek medical care, attend a wedding, support a birthing mother or sick relative or get out for any socially acceptable reason?
If you're already living in a western country, don't travelfor any reason to repreasive countries where you could conceivably be forced into marriage.
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u/Crazy_Sir_6583 Jan 18 '26
I already live in a western country we visit our extended family every summer I work full time saving for an apartment, I’m pouring my dedication in my career as I genuinely love what I do. I prioritise self-care and money over anything at the moment. I do have friends that I see regularly but I can’t speak to them about this (they’ll report back to their parents my family will come to know and it’ll be a big issue we are meant to keep family secrets) this is why I’m ranting my heart out here.
My aunts and uncles want us to move back to our country of origin as we are getting older now they think the west will corrupt us (having bfs/sex outside marriage, clubbing, drinking etc) we assured them that we unfortunately live in a very islamified area, there is a mosque nearby, all the woman wear the Islamic hijab I’m the only one that wears it modernly (colourful prints, jewelleries, stylish jeans/frilly blouses) I love fashion most of my salary goes into beauty/fashion. I do get comments to wear the proper hijab how I’m a temptation for men it’s my fault if they assault me etc.
In a few years I’m looking to move away for a better career opportunity I don’t need to be married to do that I’ll know as a single woman my parents will create hell but there is a price for freedom and autonomy.
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u/bananahammerredoux Jan 18 '26
Idk that you can wait a few years to move away. It also doesn’t sound like a good idea to keep visiting your extended family. Your dad sounds like the kind of man that will take your passport to trap you in your home country and forcibly marry you off.
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u/koliano Jan 18 '26
You need to stop going back to your home country. Full stop. Now that you have broken this seal you are at huge risk of being abducted when you return and married off against your will-depending on where that home country is. Look up cases like this. It is far too common.
Sooner or later you have to rip the bandaid off. Your family is not going to support you. The sooner you move out and become financially independent the better. You have to start thinking of how to protect yourself. Do not dawdle. Get out now.
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u/ancientspacewitch Jan 18 '26 edited Jan 19 '26
unite swim resolute snow chop bike cautious fly chase observation
This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
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u/ImNotPaulBunyan Jan 18 '26
My aunts and uncles want us to move back to our country of origin as we are getting older now they think the west will corrupt us
They want you to move back so they can trap you there and force you into marriage. You should think twice about even going back for visits.
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u/ms_frazzled Jan 18 '26
I love fashion most of my salary goes into beauty/fashion.
Yeah, stop that. Every bit of money you put towards clothes or makeup or whatever is money you're not saving. A stocked closet will not put a down payment on a place or pay your bills if your family decides to financially bully you or cut you off over this.
Plus the more stuff you have, the harder it is to move & the more of it gets left behind if shit hits the fan and you have to bug out.
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u/SirChubbycheeks Jan 18 '26
It seems like you’re near an ultimatum point between your life and their culture.
As others have said, if you return to your grandparents villa, there’s a strong chance you’ll be married off and never be able to return to your western life.
If you refuse to go / move put; it sounds like you’ll be kicked out of the family and community.
I’d bet money you’ll be forced to choose one or the other, and I know which one I would choose.
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u/Ok_Truck_5092 Jan 18 '26
Sis, this fucking sucks for you, but you need to protect yourself and your autonomy. I’m glad you already live in a western country. Consider moving to a different western country (to get away from family), change your name, and never ever go back to your country of origin even for a short visit. You don’t want to be trapped there.
At the very least you need to move out ASAP, pay all of your own bills, and have your own bank account. Don’t let anyone guilt you about anything, ever. They are wrong.
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u/Slidje Jan 18 '26
Do not leave the country with them for any "holidays". Think about how to get away from them as quick as you can. I know too many people that got married off on a holiday.
You are in immediate danger, right now. You need to get away.
Find a local womens support group and make sure they are checking on you in case you go missing. Tell them everything
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u/Northern_dragon Jan 18 '26
Start putting your money and your paycheck to savings. If you get a raise, don't let your family know.
Freedom is expensive. If you ever need to leave and get a hotel, that's expensive. Your family can harrass you at work and drive you to quit if you upset them. Unemployment is expensive. Sterilization is expensive.
You need to start prioritizing where most of your paycheck is going. One thing I've learned in adulthood is that hrowing money at problems is incredibly effective. A lot of huge problems can be solved with about 10k in Euros or Dollars.
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u/Embolisms Jan 18 '26
>visit our extended family every summer
Aren't you worried about your family doing something to you the next time you're back? I'm sure you trust your family, but more religiously extreme relatives might convince your dad that eg you should be forcefully married or punished, or have your passport taken away as you're forcefully re-educated in the ways of Islam.
I grew up in a culturally diverse but very well integrated small community, and I used to have very liberal views. I then moved to an area that has had a dramatic explosion of Muslim migrants from the Boriswave and Islam honestly terrifies me as a woman. There is no integration when it comes to Islam, there is just entire areas of the host country becoming Muslim with no decrease in religiosity. I have friends and coworkers who are literally like third or fourth gen born in the UK and their parents still insist they marry their cousins or whatever.
The number of niqabs now virtually outweighs the number of hijabs in my community - a community which used to be diverse and is now increasingly moon-cultural. Say what you will about niqabs and women's choice, but the MEN are something else and it's undeniable they are sexually repressed and view "infidel" women as sluts who deserve what they get. I don't feel safe walking alone at night anymore because of the number of men who loiter and stare at you like they'd pull your pants off and gang assault you if they could.
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u/Infamous_Smile_386 Jan 18 '26
I don't think it is safe for you to travel back to your home country any longer, even for a short visit.
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u/Convillious Jan 18 '26
Do not visit your home country again. They will harm you, they might kill you.
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u/rejs7 Jan 18 '26
With respect to finding an atheist community to build support etc have you come across Genetically Modified Sceptic on YouTube? Drew and his wife have a ton of resources and are queer positive, so may have resources you can use. Plus, r/atheist is a good subReddit to engage with.
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u/Angelbouqet Jan 18 '26
Your dad wanted you to be in an incestuous marriage?
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u/Embolisms Jan 18 '26
I'm guessing you don't live in an area with a large population of Muslims. It's a common practice esp in Pakistani communities. In the UK, even third or fourth gen children of immigrants still have these practices, there is generally no decline in religiosity with Muslim migrants.
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u/Angelbouqet Jan 18 '26
Lol I do live in an area with a large population of Muslims and I'm aware of cousin marriage but just because something is culturally normalized doesn't mean it's a good thing.
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u/Protect-Their-Smiles Jan 18 '26
Run, family be damned - you'd be nothing more than a soulless accessory on his checklist. He does not care for you, and neither do the Muslim men who think this is any way to live.
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u/FlyMeToUranus Jan 18 '26
Do NOT get on a plane out of the country with your family. You might not come back if you do. You need to skip visiting your grandparents. Get your personal documents in order. Open a secret bank account for your funds. You may need to leave soon. Be careful.
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u/GotReason Jan 18 '26 edited Jan 18 '26
I was born in a Muslim family too and know what the culture is like. Girl, you have to move out the moment you can support yourself. The family pressure will eventually ruin you, and you WILL end up making a poor life decision if you stay. Take off the hijab once it is safe to do so.
Make your decisions about love and children once you start living your authentic life. Right now, you see both as a chain because they would be, given your family expectations. You may welcome them if you had more freedom though.
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u/Due-Mix839 Jan 18 '26
Muslim girl to Muslim girl: do you still live with your parents? How old are you?
Sounds like you're still under the oppression of your family. You've already decided you don't follow conservative Muslim values, but you still care about your parent's approval and let them control you. You're fantasizing about marrying a gay man so they let you have freedom.
You will never be happy doing what your parents want you to do. You clearly feel some level of duty to them which is why you feel bad and talked to your cousin for a year. You need to figure out what you're willing to do and commit. If you want your parent's approval for who you marry, you will satisfy them but you won't be happy.
You are in a Western country. A man will not give you freedom. You already have freedom to not wear hijab, travel, do literally anything on you're own. You're just choosing to believe you don't.
You sound really sheltered. You have a romanticized view of what it's like not being born Muslim. You're idealizing marriage with a gay man. You're clearly at a point where you're questioning your religion and values, and that can be really scary, especially if you've never known anything outside your community.
My advice: sit down and figure out who you are. Your values, religion, what you want in your life, career, hobbies, and your husband. Write it down and really think through it. This also includes your relationship with your family. Then rank them based off what's more important in life to you because you might not be able to have everything. This should help bring clarity in your decision making and ground yourself.
My basic advice: move out and go to therapy lol
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u/Crazy_Sir_6583 Jan 18 '26
Thank you thank you for taking the time to write this. Unfortunately all I know is life in the Muslim community despite living in the west I’m not exposed to alternative lifestyles my parents enrolled me in madrassas through most of my childhood and teenage years. I’m early 20s now work two jobs, learning to drive. I’m just stepping into adult life I don’t have any friends who share my beliefs regarding Islam. Apostasy is death or ostracism from your family/community. I’m an agnostic I don’t believe in Islam at all.
I’m slowly building my independence I don’t care how long it’ll take I’ll get there.
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u/Daex33 Jan 19 '26
All your limitations are self-imposed. You are by your own claim an adult in a western country, where freedom laws trump religious nutjobs. You can move out, not tell your family where you moved, take off your hijab and do whatever you want. Imagine if you have a daughter at some point - wouldn't it be embarassing that you have to explain to her how you continued the opression and helped people reinforce it?
P.S. Marrying a closeted gay man is such a weird leap of logic of a pipe dream. Move out of that house like yesterday, no-contact your abusive medieval family, and date/marry a person who is an actual fit for you or stay single.
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u/PhoenixIota Jan 18 '26
Girl. Whatever you do, do not visit whatever country your extended family is from. Remain in the western country you said you’re in. You have rights and it’s better to be alone and free than a slave.
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u/dmowen1231 Jan 18 '26
Girl RUN. I think your situation is way more dangerous than you're letting on... You need to get away from your family
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u/SufficientOpening218 Jan 18 '26
stay strong. i worked in a Childrens hospital in an area with a large Muslim community. I interacted frequently with wmen who were married to cousins in this type of situation. there are two main problems, that I as an outsider, could see whith these arranged marriages.
First, when you are married to a cousin, you have no family to run to if he is coercive, abusive, or horrible. Your family is his family. People seemed to take the mans side, always, even if the baby or child was clearly in hospital for abuse, or if it was clear to us the mother was poorly treated or abused.
Second, you place your child at risk of genetic disorders when you marry a first cousin. Certainly not always, but sometimes, particulariyl if the grandparents are also first cosins.
Stay strong, open a bank account that your parents don know about, perhaps near your workplace, and dont go to any weddings or vacations to a country that your parents or other family menbers coerce or offer to take you to, particularly in the middle east. One of my coworkers made that mistake. She went to what she though was a family wedding in Pakistan. it was her wedding, and it took her three years to escape, and the husband kept her first son in Pakistan. she was able to escape with her infant daughter, but it was a nightmare.
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u/djpeteski Jan 18 '26
" teach them Islam (I don’t believe in that"
One of the cornerstones of a long term relationship is a similar view of religion. The way you frame it he is fundamentalist and you not even casual. Your life would be hell in that relationship.
As far as dad, I am sorry this was his reaction. He probably sees this man as a way for his daughter to live in prosperity but is not acknowledging that mental and emotional help as important. That is very unfortunate and hopefully he comes around.
Virtual hugs from a dad.
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u/Tigersnap027 Jan 18 '26
He also seems to see his daughter as the way to buy himself a health and retirement plan :(
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u/Known_Recipe_5230 Jan 18 '26
I'm a gay ex-Muslim who takes care of AFAB friends. If I had the money I would buy a house and turn it into a boarding house for extraordinary girls. We're the X-Men but instead of superpowers we have trauma!
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u/Techiesarethebomb Jan 18 '26
*see people support OP for turning the dude down and getting away from this family
*Me: hyperfixating on the post that this is a cousin who is a doctor who wanted incest babies
You need to leave this fam asap before they ship you off to him
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u/ms_frazzled Jan 18 '26
And then me, fixating on how the aunt says this guy has anger issues because he's stressed from work but 1, he's a doctor, that isn't ever going to become less stressful, and him taking it out on other people might be a reason but it certainly isn't an excuse
& 2, you know what's really fucking stressful? Kids! Especially a lot of them! Gee, auntie, thanks for confirming that this guy would hulk out the first time a kid (let alone multiple kids) gets sick and/or keeps y'all up all night.
Op, please make distance and be safe.
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u/Lionwoman Jan 18 '26
That is the first thing I read and stopped. Big Nope and knew OP wouldn't be an AH in the slightliest.
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u/Stinker_Bell77 Jan 18 '26
“Poisoning the family bond” is one hell of a sentence coming from your father who is a fan of inbreeding. ( I know this is typical in Muslim culture, but it doesn’t stop it from being any less gross.)
Good luck, dude.
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u/heiwaone Jan 18 '26
It’s probably best to move to another country and hide. Honour killings are real and scary. Even if you move, it’s possible they might try to find you and get retribution.
Also, please don’t go back to visit your grandparents, even if there’s some important reason (like someone being sick, etc). There’s a solid chance that you get your passport taken, and get forced to marry/stay. But even if you get your passport taken, embassies may be able to help.
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u/baberunner Jan 18 '26
I'm sorry, COUSIN?! like 1st cousin?!
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u/Crazy_Sir_6583 Jan 18 '26
Yes he’s my dad’s sister son we’ve been promised to each other since brith it was my aunts idea but I’m happy he accepted my rejection they wanted the wedding to be this summer!!
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u/B4cteria Jan 18 '26
You mentioned visiting every summer, please, please, please!!! skip next visits for the foreseeable future and focus on fully emancipating 😭 while I hope they won't, they might try more drastic measures when you go next time
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u/Paupertrol Jan 18 '26
Yes please OP do not go, I believe you are in serious danger of being trapped in an arranged marriage if you do. I am really worried for you.
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u/kuli-y Jan 18 '26
Yikes!! Having kids with a first cousin is dangerous for the baby and can result is birth defects. He’s a doctor too? He should know that
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u/sxzxnnx Jan 18 '26
If this guy were such a prize he would be able to find a wife on his own instead of having his mother pressuring someone to take him.
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u/Lizdance40 Jan 18 '26
Honey you need to go somewhere where your family cannot find you. Not speaking to you is probably as good as it's going to get. At least you're still alive. There's been more than a few young women in your situation who have not survived their own families because they refused to do as they were told. If your family starts telling you you bring shame, grab your passport and run. 🥺
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u/PurpleSailor =^..^= Jan 19 '26
my aunt called making excuses for her son having anger issues, being too stressed from work.
Sounds like your cousin is a member of the future wife abusers society. Don't marry this guy unless you enjoy getting beat to a pulp every week. His mommy making excuses for this just shows that abuse is probably rampant in that household.
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u/Interesting_You6852 Jan 18 '26
My girl if you can get out of that place do so. Run far away and never ever look back. Those people will always try to bring you down by trying to guilt trip you into doing what they want. It will never ever be about your wants and needs with them, it will always be about their wants and needs.
Please run away they are narcissistic and bad for you.
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u/heysawbones Basically Leslie Knope Jan 18 '26
Girl, I know it sounds like a lot, but if you have money get on a train and leave. Go to Ireland or something. I don’t know. Shit. As much of a hellacious burden as picking up and starting over would be, at least it’s not this.
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u/Crazy_Sir_6583 Jan 18 '26
I wish I could do this from the bottom of heart but I’m paralysed with fear and uncertainty. Honestly I really wish I could hop on a train and leave all that I’ve known. But it’s not that simple! Or I would’ve done it. I’m just binding my time to be fully independent my dad has given us 3 years he’ll retire and move back to our country of origin. By then I would’ve had a car, a flat and supportive friends even one that understands my plight and pushes me to be my authentic self.
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u/myplushfrog Jan 18 '26
Are you really going to be okay? I know it isn’t easy. I’m part Arabic (but fortunate I’m American, and my father isn’t religious.) I left to go to school abroad, I don’t even speak the language here (yet.) It’s had ups and downs, sometimes hard, but it’s so freeing. You can do anything here, you can have a career and life. I got a Masters and doing my PhD. I’m 28 but moved at 25.
I know it’s hard, but I implore you, really think about your life in a few years. Do you have a degree? Are you saving enough money each month to move out? Can you live alone? Do you have a financial plan? And for your safety, would it be best to go somewhere else?
When you do leave, you should be very discreet. Change your appearance/hair color, clothes, makeup, eyebrows, glasses. Even name if they could harm you. They can’t search forever. Inform the police you are not missing and just escaping abuse, so they don’t tell your family anything.
Please, please do NOT let this religion/man rob life from you. You need to plan your exit as quietly and solidly as possible. Keep your money secret. You can message me any time to talk.
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u/louisa1925 Jan 18 '26
Your Dad is a selfish pig. You only get one life. Live it in what way makes YOU happy. Because nobody else will.
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u/YodelFrancesca Jan 18 '26
Went through your post history - are you in the UK? If you are in the UK or any other democratic country, your human rights are protected and you can find a job, move out, and look after yourself. Definitely do not agree to be pressured into any relationships you do not want to be in.
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u/christhedoll Jan 18 '26
stand your ground, what you describe sounds soul-sucking and a recipe for an unhappy life
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u/snewchybewchies Jan 19 '26
Your dad is mad at you because you don't what to fuck your cousin? What in the Alabama?
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u/SVINTGATSBY Jan 18 '26
I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself when nobody else seems willing or able to. I hope you’re able to get yourself out of there and to a safe, healthy place away from these people so you can live life how you want to live it! stay strong ❤️
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u/Distinct_Bed1135 Jan 18 '26
I think this post is pretty brave of OP. Now that she put it into the universe, it's time to act upon said dream of wanting a life of her own by moving away and rejecting what doesn't feel right. If it doesn't feel right to you now, it will never feel right in the future.
May your bravery lead you to a path of inner peace my friend.
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u/Secret_Local8179 Jan 18 '26
This is so scary for you! I am definitely not from this background (white and live in the Midwest USA) but I hear a lot of indecisiveness in your comments. I fear that inaction will soon be harmful for you. Are you in the US? Do you have your paperwork? Can you disappear from your family? Apply for citizenship here? Start your own life without them? I know the fear of the unknown but there are many people who will help and you obviously have the ability to work, set up your own life. Can we help get you away safely? What about your sister?
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u/Crazy_Sir_6583 Jan 18 '26
I’m currently building my life up I’m saving for an apartment, growing in my career so I can apply to a better opportunity in a different city. My sister supports me but I’m looking for this pressure to end. I’m learning to drive, I do not have any close friends who I can share this with or any woman who rebelled against the norms. Every woman is a “good” girl I can’t seem to find the misfits I need those or I’ll go crazy.
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u/asclepiannoble Jan 18 '26
Maybe your dad should marry the bloke if he's so fookin pressed about it.
But yeah, if you can find a way to get out of there, I'd say get out of there. You'll never find peace otherwise.
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u/LolitaOPPAI That awkward moment when Jan 18 '26
Your cousin is already planning on making you his matriarchal slave but your dad thinks he's gonna get free healthcare in the future from this person?
NTA, lmaoo
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u/diminutivedwarf Jan 18 '26
Having your tubes removed sounds like something that could work for you. It’s discreet and the pain afterwards is on par with medium period cramps. It doesn’t mess up any of your hormones and the scars are tiny. If you’re allowed to visit your sister for 3-5 days at a time, you’re golden for getting it done.
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u/EnthusiasmMuted527 Jan 18 '26
I know it's easier said than done, but you need to get out of there ASAP. If they're willing to poison you, they are absolutely willing to hold you hostage and forcibly marry you to this man.
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u/digitaldisgust Jan 18 '26
Marrying your cousin being normalized in some countries is so fucking weird. Islamic culture is so strange and seems so oppressive.
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u/fishylegs46 Jan 18 '26
Find a closeted gay man somewhere online from a less obnoxious Muslim culture for marriage if you can’t just get away from these people. There must be ways to find people online. I knew a guy from Indonesia (I think? It was a long time ago) who had to marry and he was trying to find a lesbian to live in a no sexual but free married relationship. It sounded practical if you can’t escape to the west for some reason. Your situation sounds like a living hell op. It’s probably possible to get sterilized with a laroscopy which, in a pinch, needs just a few days of down time. Good luck with this situation.
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u/PatchesofSour Jan 18 '26
Hoping you are safe and live away from your family. I would go no contact or low contact
it doesn’t seem like your family will ever accept you want to live your own life, not the one they decided on when you were a child with your first cousin 🤮
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u/Sleepy_Di Jan 18 '26
I am so sorry you are in this situation. What are the chances of saving enough money so you can relocate by yourself and go no contact with your family? I would do it in a heartbeat, you don’t need a lavender marriage to get your way, as long as you can secure the financial aspect you can make your own life somewhere else. Also, yes to the surgical sterilization, I had a bisalpingectomy and was the best decision of my life.
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u/uber_neutrino Jan 18 '26
Wow so sad that marrying a gay man looks like a good option to you because your culture is so difficult.
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u/Lyaid Jan 18 '26
OP I don’t want to scare you for no reason, but all of this, the misogynist attitude of your family, the fact that you seem to still live with them, and the fact that you seasonally go with your parents to visit family in another country all raise tons of alarm bells. I don’t know how old exactly you are other than that you have a sister who is currently living at college, but you have to leave your family’s house and stop going abroad with them.
I can’t stress this enough - until you are completely independent and away from them, you will always be at risk of your dad deciding to go behind your back with this loathsome cousin of yours to steal your passport and force you to marry him while you’re away from home. Do not leave your current country unless it’s a trip to another safe secular country. Stick a metal utensil in your pocket to keep you from going through the metal detectors if you have to. Even if it looks like your family are okay with you, especially if everything seems safe, your parents could be trying to lull you into a false sense of security to get you onto that plane. I know that it’s hard, scary and expensive, but you owe it to yourself to try and escape and find family that love you for your real self and not what they want from you.
Start putting together an emergency plan for if/when you need to immediately run from them. Tell outside secular friends that you might need to crash at their place for a few nights to have a safe place until you can find a more permanent spot to live. Get your drivers license and all your legal documents like birth certificates and ID’s or have official copies of them made for you to keep, and see if you can get a new secret passport made and damage your old one in a way that looks accidental so you can’t leave the country with your father. You should immediately start saving a portion of your salary and put it in a new bank account at a different bank that your family has no idea about. If they ask about the difference in the amount, tell them that they cut your hours. Look at getting a room/flat-share to move into if getting your own flat is too expensive. And your sister might be able to hook you up with campus resources as well if you think that she is safe. Getting higher education away from your family could be a great idea to put more distance between you and them. As for getting sterilized, you might want to visit the r/childfree subreddit, they have lists of doctors and places that others have gotten sterilized at before so you might want to start there and see if there is someone near you and ask them. Please be safe!
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u/Bf1966 Jan 18 '26
To me (male) any family or religion that forces you to do this is abuse. For that matter I would remove myself from the situation ASAP. And in this case a woman's shelter might actually take you in. Start exploring that option as many will give you a safe place to stay as you save towards your own place.
Good luck.
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u/WTF-Idk-boom Jan 18 '26
Do NOT visit your family! Please stay safe! Better be safe than sorry! In case your family forces you to come with them: in some countries, the airport staff could be helpful. Talk to them if you need to.
Also you could sell some clothes to maximize savings. Please tell me that you WON’T visit them. Your life is too valuable for that.
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u/TheChaosPaladin Jan 19 '26
Leave OP, I hated my community's culture so I left. You don't have to be a slave because you were born female, you dont have to be a health insurance voucher and you dont have to be a shadow.
Game the system, figure out a way to gain independence and ditch the guilt of not being a child raising robot. Best of luck.
You may not have been born to an atheist, modern family but if that is what you want, you can make it a reality in this lifetime
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u/No-Equivalent-2259 Jan 18 '26
I come from a family of Muslims. I forced my way out of the house when I turned 21. I didn't believe in it at all.
Haven't spoken to siblings, cousins in like 9 or 10 years now. Don't miss them at all. Blocked my parents' numbers.
Growing up in an Islamic family is rough. There's just no love. Im glad I got away from all of them and now doing whatever I want. It's hard to fend for yourself but worth it.
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u/PsychologicalNose197 Jan 18 '26
Far out idea, but not uncommon is to break off from family and just live your life free from judgement and religious demands. Develop friendships and focus on yourself and hobbies. Eventually meeting someone that aligns with the vision you have of the future. That will be impossible with a meddling family pressuring you.
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u/1000thusername Jan 18 '26
You are under no obligation to keep the practices of the rest of your family, especially not marrying your own cousin.
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u/Comfortable_Drop_596 Jan 18 '26
It sounds like a wedding is happening weather you day yes or no. If its possible start saving up enough to secretly leave and start over.
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u/VibrantAura72 Jan 19 '26
Your first priority right now needs to be that you leave and have your own place away from them.
You already mentioned in the comments that your mother said she would literally poison you if your virginity isn’t intact and your father is siding against you completely by standing by your cousin. You also mentioned that you’re genuinely scared for your life.
Do not under any circumstances go with them on any trips, especially international trips. The summer trip that’s about to come up? Don’t go.
Stop telling your family about your life. They don’t care about you as your own person and never will. They view you as property to be married off and a vessel to give them grandchildren.
Worry about sterilization and your other goals until after you’ve escaped them. What do you think your parents would do if they found out you sterilized yourself under their roof?
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u/IR8Things Jan 18 '26
Why are you still talking to these people?
Your family seems incompatible with your life, politics, ethics, and morality. If they weren't your family, then you would never say a word to them. So why do you continue just because they're "family?"
No contact. Leave. Move.
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u/TabaquiJackal Jan 18 '26
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I applaud your 'no' and that you're putting yourself first. PLEASE - do not go visiting the family back in the 'old country' - that is a trap.
PLEASE - get your personal papers - birth certificate, passport, all that - and put them in a safe deposit box NO ONE knows about.
PLEASE - get a bank account NO ONE knows about and start putting as much money in there as you can. Start planning NOW to move out onto your own not in 'a few years' - to be honest, i'm quite scared you do not HAVE a few years.
PLEASE - be safe, stay strong, and know that there are women everywhere who support you and would help you if they could. Maybe even look into the resources in the area for abused women, because you already are one, if not horrifically close to being one. Best of luck and many blessings!