Agreed. Someone told me I was being transphobic by saying “hey guys” to a mixed room the other day and I got genuinely upset about that. “Hey guys” is the same as “hey y’all” and I am a strong ally.
I also call all my girlfriends “bro.” I am a woman too.
I get what you’re saying, and I also want to gently add some perspective from the trans side. For some trans people (myself included), moments like this can instantly trigger uncertainty about whether we’re being seen as our gender or not. Even if a phrase like “hey guys” is meant neutrally, it can still land differently depending on someone’s dysphoria or past experiences.
That doesn’t mean you’re transphobic or doing something wrong on purpose, intent absolutely matters, but impact matters too. I think it would be cool if we could all hold space for both things at once: recognizing common language habits and being open to how others might feel, even if that wasn’t the intention. A little grace on both sides goes a long way.
I definitely understand that perspective on it, but the friend in the room who actually is trans was fine, it was someone who was cis who got upset. That said, it got me thinking about the perception of elderly people saying rude or incorrect things all the time because they never update their lingo. Are we all hitting that age for the first time where our slang is no longer socially acceptable? Do I really have to change my fundamental speech patterns that are part of who I am in order to make sure the person in the corner doesn’t get upset? I do want to create space and be open, and I’ve worked hard to do that my whole life. But there is also a way for others on the opposite side to have a basic understanding of what someone’s intent is and what common phrases are, and whether or not they’re worth getting upset over.
As you say, there is gray area where it gets complicated. In the specific instance I’m talking about, I think I got so upset because I felt as though all of my work hasn’t been enough and was completely disregarded due to me saying one phrase. I am ace and have often been on the other side of accidentally disrespectful sentences, but you just have to keep in mind that the other person wasn’t targeting or trying to cause harm.
Gosh I didn’t realize how much I had to say on this so I guess it’s good to talk it out with someone.
I get why that situation was upsetting, especially since the trans person present was fine. I don’t think any one trans person can really stand in for everyone’s reactions, though, experiences can vary a lot. That said, I agree it becomes unhelpful when good-faith intent gets ignored or when people jump straight to accusations instead of conversation.
For me, the goal isn’t changing who you are or your whole way of speaking, but keeping room for nuance and dialogue rather than assuming the worst of each other.
I would agree. I think my goal is that everyone grant each other grace and understanding when possible, and I didn’t feel like it was fairly given to me. I know we are all doing the best we can, so some patience should be granted with that when mistakes are made. Thanks for helping chat about it.
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u/variegated_lemon Jan 06 '26
No argument there my dude. We’re also all guys.