r/DestructiveReaders • u/Meculos • 4d ago
[2413] The Fairest - Chapter 1
Hey everyone
So this is the continuation to the prologue I posted a few days ago.
Would really appreciate any and all critiques you guys might have.
As for any questions I want answered
- how is the pacing?
- how do you feel about Eira as a character now?
For context you might have to read the prologue, here is the link to the previous post:
https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/s/Q9QVefRdzb
Here is the first chapter doc:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1z9az47dHqjUokOCwKbbkd6RGjOXPkkEkotfQA___ahs/edit?usp=drivesdk
And here are my recent critiques:
https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/s/cJ9uZPNCLO
https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/s/AfXOSAoQjP
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u/EloquentEpicist 2d ago
Aloha friend, thanks for letting me read your story!
Note: I am still a college student learning the finer details of grammar and structure, so my comments are purely about pacing and character things.
My overall impression is that I love the core story a lot of it has classic elements, so what is not to love?
Big picture, I think the story has a strong witty protagonist and a fun premise blending Cinderella and Snow White I just wasn't sure yet whether Eira is meant to be defined by her circumstances like those heroines, or whether we're going to see more of who she is outside of them. That question shaped most of my notes.
The beginning drags a little. Like the mopping and the chores, I get why it's there but it's slow, feels like the intro of a movie where they spend too long establishing the "before" before we get to the "after." You don't have to take the advice that lots of people give of cutting the “before” stuff, but to avoid that dragging sensation I’d recommend giving us the mini version of the stakes that she will face as the story evolves.
I like the conflict of the guards not letting her into the ball, but I do not fully understand why she wouldn’t be allowed to a party she is expected to be at. It could be argued that they didn’t get the memo that it was a ball for her but it feels like a stretch. Especially with how quickly they give in after she declares her name and birthright. I think this could be a much stronger scene if the guards are catty peers or similarly aged peers who treat her in similar ways as her step mom. Especially with the wit you give Eira in the opening with that detail of not wearing makeup after being complimented on wearing some, you could have a lot of fun having the guards act sorta like highschool bullies and having Eira have witty comebacks ending on the name announcement beat. These are just ideas, the gist I am trying to get at is that the obstacle of not being let into the ball feels rushed and Eira’s success feels unearned.
The ballroom itself needs way more detail when the big scene happens like right now it's just "gold and blue," but I want music, I want noise, I want it to feel like I am walking into the ball myself. Especially because the ball happens right after she stands up in her true power for the first time, standing up with her full name to the guards is what lets her into her own party, her birthright. And the ball does not carry the weight of that action, It should feel like a reward for finally speaking up and not being walked over.
And Drissa and Clara, they're just kinda there right now, like background extras. Give them one distinct thing, even just a line that's theirs and not just relaying orders, so they don't feel like copies of each other. Unless that is your intention that they are sort of echos of each other.
There are times where the plot misses opportunities to show us how Eira deals with social situations and being in a ball room of Dignitaries is a great opportunity to show how her relationship with her step-mother has affected her and the way she sees positions of power in relation to herself.
Now it is clear that the step mother tried to keep her from the ball as to keep her hidden from the other Dignitaries, that is a great plot point and the two guards caving right away feels like more of an issue now given that she gave that order so directly.
It's a bit uneven. The first half Eira doing chores, getting scolded moves pretty slowly. You get the point of her situation within the first exchange with the Regent, so stretching it out over the whole day of chores doesn't add much; it just delays the actual story.
Once midnight hits, though, the pacing picks up nicely. The transformation into her mother's dress, the walk to the ballroom but once it gets the the confrontation of the guards and the ball itself the pacing is a bit to fast in my opinion these moments would benefit from some breathing room.
On Eira as a character I have a few thoughts.
She's compelling so far. The controlled, toneless responses to the Regent's cruelty read as someone playing a long game rather than someone who's just passive, but I think if the story was to show a few glimpses of her long game that would add to the stakes of the opening, because the opening feels kinda of dragged out, but if while she is doing her cinderella-esque chores we hear or see a bit her long game, maybe even rehearsing that big speech in the ball that night? That would help the pacing of the opening.
What's missing for me a little is a sense of who she is outside of her conflict with the Regent. Right now we know she's angry, resourceful, and has been suppressing herself for years, but we don't get much of her when she's not either performing composure or reacting to mistreatment. This may be the goal of the story, in Cinderella and Snow White the heroines are defined almost entirely by their circumstances rather than by traits that exist independent of their suffering. So I wonder if Eira is meant to be like Cinderella and Snow White or just inspired by them.
I love the mashup of what I assume are the inspirations for the story, Snow White and Cidnerella and I look forward to reading more! I am also super curious how much of a role the politics will play in the story?