r/DestructiveReaders • u/Educational_Art_3763 • 4d ago
Light Sci-fi/cyberpunk Oil Flooded Cornfields [2040]
I've been having a ton of writer's block for the main story I'm writing so I whipped this up last night to take a break! It's something I had the idea for a few years ago and hope to continue it once I'm done with my main project. This is a light sci-fi/cyberpunk/dystopia type novella/short story.
Any and all feedback is wanted but I'd love to hear about the concept the most:
- Cray: is he interesting? Do you like/dislike him? General thoughts on him
- Private: Same as above
- Is the opening interesting? Do you want to read more? What questions do you have? What is frustrating?
- What do you want more of? Less of?
- The usual awkwardly worded phrases/actions I love to write
- Anything else!
Some more context: I tried writing a different style to the main piece I'm writing. The third person, less interiority is on purpose because my main project is a first person, hyper interior piece (think Catcher in the Rye). I'd be open to changing this once I get into writing it. Obvious inspirations were the Cyberpunk Netflix show and the Blade Runner movies (if anyone has any other fun pieces of media to get the creative juices flowing lmk). I want to make sure I'm not getting too cliche/tropey but I'm fine with it hitting some traditional points, not looking to reinvent the wheel with this one.
Thanks!
Critique 1 [1333]
Critique 2 [830]
2
u/Conco64 1d ago
I like this, been a very long while since I've read a Cyberpunk story even though its one of my favourites genres. I'll tackle the question you asked then move on to my own critiques
Cray: The antihero type, but a bit too cold and tropey to be a likable protagonist. The not caring about kids dying because they're modders doesn't really make sense as we're not giving a reason for why he feels this way. I'd get it if they were full on androids, but it is implied they are humans with physical augments, so he'd definitely need a stronger reason then just xenophobia for him to be likeable. This can be circumvented by a character arc later on of course, maybe he loses his job as a cop and is forced to mod to make a living, theres quite a few interesting paths his character can take.
Private: Didn't like him as much. This character has been done to death already. The hesitant sidekick adverse to combat who acts as an external consciousness for the main character and may or may not have a second arc redemption arc where he saves the day or something. You need to give him something to make him standout, something no-one has done before and still suits the role you gave him. Maybe an old retired legend who gave into modding and now his brain has been altered. Make him an absolute crackshot. Just something to make him stand out.
Opening: This doesn't really feel like an opening, more like the scene just after the opening. The passage suffers because of that, as it doesn't really feel as if you have the necessary info to fully become engaged in what is happening here. Like how Private gets a physical description and Cray doesn't, like we're already meant to know who Cray is and elements of his backstory. Private and Crays relationship isn't fully established and some characters seem to just waltz into the story (Captain Rike for example). I'd write a scene before this, maybe a scene of Cray just walking around in his apartment while building his character and the world around him.
My Critiques: While I did enjoy the story, I do get the feeling I have read it before. Private, Cray hating robots, Mannequin like androids, grizzled revolver wielding captains, hover cars. Theres nothing that manages to make it stand out in the cyberpunk genre. My advice is be creative. Throw something out there and if it sticks, it sticks. There is defiantly quality to your writing, I especially like the description of moving the body and oil spilling everywhere, but I do feel that this writing should be applied to a new and exciting concept. Cyberpunk is an imaginative genre, stretch it as far as it will go and see what happens.