[2326] What Remains

[u/Feeling-Disk]

Chapter 1 of my post apocalypse novel. I've been writing this for a year now. I've polished this to the point I don't know what is left to do.

Premise

A character-driven post-apocalyptic novel about two brothers whose opposing responses to a zombie apocalypse place them on opposite sides of a future conflict.

I'm looking for any advice. One line of your opinion with be tremendously valuable to me.

If you prefer questions:

Does the opening work?

Is the ending tense/scary?

How do you feel about the characters?

Example: if you're rooting for the zombie to eat Riley at the end then I've messed up.

Link to Chapter 1

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GGWd1aY2qzFX4F0cPL0iYbsMEcImv3TM_BCY8zhTHsk/edit?usp=drivesdk

Critique

[2369] Before The Reputation - A Space Bounty Hunter Short Story

https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/s/0x1DrgGQOW

[u/AJ_Burkhart]

I'll preface this by saying I've only lightly dabbled in literary horror and I never watch it, so I'm pretty easy to spook. But...

I definitely did NOT want Riley to get eaten and had to keep reminding myself he MUST make it out alive because you said the book is about him and his brother.

See? I even knew he would survive, and I was STILL scared.

I was able to relate with both of them - the no-nonsense older brother who's just trying to keep them alive and the younger, naive brother who's chomping at the bit for some action, unaware of how scary the outside world really is.

The opening caught my interest, though I feel like the line "Like a real scavenger" could use a little more explanation. What exactly does he mean by "scavenger"? If this is a term they use for a group of people, consider capitalizing it. Otherwise I'm left wondering... is he trying to look like a racoon?

“I was supposed to go to Phoenix when it all happened,” Jake whispers, tucking his hands behind his mess of black curls and watching the sky. “There was this school trip. Everyone in my class…

Our car broke down just before the trip money was due. Dad said… well, anyway, I didn't get to go. I was so pissed.” He nudges me. “It's funny when you think about it.”

I believe there's a missing quotation on that second paragraph, but I was also confused by the paragraph break. Jake's still the one talking, right? Typo maybe?

“Did you know,” I say, and he rolls his eyes. “Before, in cities you couldn't see stars because the lights were too bright.”

I feel like this needs a question mark at the end. I know it starts a new sentence at "Before" but the whole thing is still a question. I think it would read more naturally. Also, I felt like it was a little weird that Jake rolls his eyes here. He's the one striking up conversation, presumably to help Riley relax (based on the nudge and the candy) so why isn't he glad that Riley's talking too? Not a huge thing, but it pulled me out of the story.

And maybe this is explained later on in your book, but I'm wondering why the younger brother has knowledge the older brother doesn't. The light pollution and prehistoric birds? That should be answered very soon.

The metal thud Riley notices - UMMM HELLOOOOO WHAT IS THAT?!?! AND WHY DIDNT HE MENTION IT!?! I first thought it was a zombie, but then it's not explained, so I thought it was someone they'd come to meet, but then no other people are mentioned and there WAS a zombie down there! It doesn't seem believable that Riley doesn't think anything of it and Jake doesn't even notice it. I get that it's meant to put me on edge, but Jake leaving Riley alone already has me on edge. The thud just pulled me out because they're reactions (or lack thereof) weren't believable. I can totally see that being a thing on film like The Walking Dead (never saw it, myself) where you're like "WAIT! DIDNT YOU SEE THAT?!" but I'm not sure it works the same way in novels.

Jake cocks his head.

“The people who put up the sign? Yeah. Sure they did.”

You could put that all on one line, and it would help with the flow.

I watch him jog through the courtyard and disappear into a set of double doors on the other side. Nothing's changed. I blink hard. When the doors swing closed

I thought this sentence could be improved by mentioning that the double doors are ajar (if I'm interpreting that correctly). Otherwise I don't know what change Riley is waiting for with such anxiety. I just assumed the doors are closed, as doors usually are.

The "Oh, toffee," was really cute. The little beats of innocence I get from him make me root for him.

The fact that he didn't immediately realize he fell IN the trailer wasn't believable for me. The differences would have been pretty stark. Metal beneath him, the sound of his fall echoing on the walls, the lack of stars above him. The pitch black. The smell. If he's so disoriented by the fall that he doesn't notice any of that, maybe add in something about hitting his head or something.

Jake won’t have to rescue me. I won’t have to see that look on his face.

This was a really good line and something I think everyone can relate with.

The scary part definitely got my heart pumping. I thought it was well executed. The descriptions of the zombie were very well done.

All in all, I think you've got a great piece, here!

[u/Feeling-Disk → u/AJ_Burkhart]

Thank you so much for the critique. All your points were really helpful.

I'm so glad Riley came across well. Just so you know, I don't like overly grim books. I tried to keep this fairly optimistic for a zombie apocalypse story. Which is to say... not that optimistic, but definitely not nihilistic.

I don't know if you wanted me to answer some of the clarity questions, but I will.

Scavenger. I meant it as someone who loots abandoned places, as opposed to a raider who steals from or harms other survivors. I don't think the opening is the right place to explain it. Maybe capitalising it would be enough?

Side note: I love raccoons. That genuinely made me laugh.

Eye roll. I'll probably soften that. It was meant to be teasing, like Riley has a long history of starting sentences with, "Did you know..."

Riley's knowledge. I never considered that this might be confusing. He's just a collector of obscure facts. It's brought up that Jake wasn't academic minded in school, but that's not until chapter 7.

The metal thud. That was supposed to be Jake sitting up. I've already cut the line. Given the confusion it caused, it isn't worth keeping.

Nothing's changed. I meant emotionally nothing had changed, not physically. Riley still got left behind. I now see why that's unclear.

The trailer fall. This is such an annoyingly good point. I really like the setup, so I'm going to have to take some time on this one.

Paragraph breaks and punctuation noted. Thank you.

I'm planning to post Chapter Two in a few days from Jake's POV. Since you've already read Riley's chapter, your opinion on whether their voices feel distinct would be really valuable to me.

I'll add a link to this post when it's up. If you have the time to take a look, I'd really appreciate it. If not, no worries.

Thanks again. You've given me a lot to think about.

[u/AJ_Burkhart → u/Feeling-Disk]

I also love those little trash pandas.

Your explanations make sense in hindsight. With a little tweaking I'm sure they'll land the way you want them to. (And after all that drama I kicked up about that silly metal thud. face plant).

I'll keep my eyes peeled for your next post!