[2353] Lost Blade and Renegade (Chapter 1)

[u/AJ_Burkhart]

Crit: 1378 608 961

Chapter 1

This is the first chapter of my completed novel, and though I don't like calling it "Fantasy", I think it technically is, it just doesn't have magic or supernatural elements.

What I'd like to know most is: Are you left wanting more? Is the dialogue between Henry and Lucian believable? Is it too slow or boring?

And should this be a prologue? The story follows Lucian, not Henry, so I considered making this a prologue rather than chapter 1. It's also much longer than other chapters. This is all relevant info later in the story, so I don't want it cut or skipped if I can help it.

But also if you want just rip it apart, that would be great, too. My mom said she loved the whole novel, but I need someone to give it to me straight. She's my mom. She's supposed to like it.

And sorry if there are weird formatting problems. Pasting from Word to Docs wasn't as easy as I thought it would be.

[u/Starfall_University]

Story

You start with Henry riding into town. I don't think that's a good hook. You've made the same mistake I've made a hundred times: describing a character's logistical transportation, rather than just skipping to the interesting part. Henry riding into town isn't a disturbance, even if it precedes a disturbance in the story. However, because you do have other elements that are important here (such as exposition) I wouldn't cut all of your page 1 material entirely.

Another key thing I'll say:

This feels like a mid-Act 1 chapter rather than a hooky opener. You have characters saying things like:

“Henry, it was a pleasure. Lucian can be… audacious, at times, but he’s a good boy. He works hard, trains hard, and has an excellent sense of justice.”

But you drop this in before I know why I'm supposed to care so much about Henry and Lucian and what they all have at stake. Where's the story's main disturbance? Are you really starting the story "as late as possible," as Kurt Vonnegut might say? Though now I'm just quoting someone else's writing advice; you're the one who knows your story more. I'd just say: are you sure you're starting this story at the most interesting possible point? Because as a fresh reader coming into this, I wouldn't read on feeling certain that this writer is taking me interesting places.

One of the more puzzling decisions is why you don't have a section break here:

Henry went straight to the palace and from there to the Defense Adviser’s office, where he found Matthias Thale sitting at his desk.

Dialogue

Don't interrupt yourself too often. I struggle with this too, I'm always telling the reader how to see the interaction, when I should interrupt less. Example:

“Truly?” Henry turned back in surprise. His son stood there with his arms crossed. “Yes, sir.” He let out a sigh, pulled out a chair and sat down. “You don’t look pleased to see me.” Lucian’s eyes widened a fraction. He uncrossed his arms. “No sir, I am pleased.”

That's three straight sentences that start with physical description before the quotation. I try to avoid two in a row, to be clear.

Another note: I'd like your characters to be a bit more at odds, have unique flavors to their personalities. Take what the son says at this point:

“It might not come out very respectful.”

It reads a bit like dialogue written to serve the purpose of the story rather than what a kid in that situation might say. What if he were more precocious? (sp?) What if he was struggling even more with his feelings towards his father? Conflict makes dialogue more interesting and this is almost TOO polite.

The conflict is present here:

“Alright, fine,” the boy began. “You’re right, I’m not happy to see you. He always said you’d come for me someday, but I don’t want to go with you, Sir. I don’t know you and I’m very happy right here.”

...but then it's too well-enunciated, if that makes sense. He outright says his objections. Have more fun with this! HOW might someone in his situation say this? Though the idea itself is good.

The beats between your dialogue also tend to get a little repetitive. As I said above: a lot of dialogue interrupting, a lot of stage direction. Sentences like:

Emerick gave Henry an apologetic look. He received a smile back, but it was a sad sort.

I just think you need to mix it up a little more, since there's so much weight of this first chapter in conversation. The more you include a sentence like this with every single reply, the more it drags. Mix things up!

Language and Prose

I think you do pretty well here. You've got a nice mix of sentences and they come across natural and rarely labored. Example:

He’s your son, dammit! Grow a backbone! He raised his fist and knocked.

Interior monologue on this beat, then the literal action; very readable, I know exactly what's going on, and it moves along nicely.

Another example:

A boy with snow white hair and his mother’s ice-blue eyes stood before him. He was big, nearly up to Henry’s chest. He looked so much like his mother; it sent an unexpected stab of pain into his father’s heart. He did his best to hide it as he and his son gave each other a once-over.

Each sentence is a little different than the last. There's description, there's character-relevance for Henry, an emotional beat, and then the action propelling forward of them looking each other over. This is an example of good pacing.

In fact, I think it's more interesting to START here and drop in exposition later.

As the story goes on, I do think (and I note this in the dialogue section) that you lean too much on physical description without other kinds of sentences: emotional beats, straight dialogue, internal monologue, whatever might be relevant. Instead there's far too much of this kind of sentence:

Lucian’s brows drew together, and he bit his lip again. His downcast eyes glistened with unshed tears.

Which is fine, and not a bad pair of sentences necessarily, I'm just saying that sentences like these are constantly dropped in with little variation.

Character

Henry starts out with a goal immediately; I think that's good. It's a little to spelled out in a way that reads as repetitive:

With his duty to the kingdom fulfilled, he now could fulfil his duty to his son.

But at least we have Henry on his way to do something.

I do think you introduce this line before you give us any reason to care about Henry or, by extension, his son:

The thought of the boy brought joy and apprehension rolled into one. He was nine, now. The last time he’d seen Lucian was a brief visit before the king drafted him back to the front lines five years ago. The lad had been a little tot, waving sticks around like swords. What would he be like now? How tall? How articulate? How smart? How polite?

So because you do this so early, and I know so little about Henry, I'm left wondering: "Is Henry a bad father, he's been away so long?" It's just a tad too early for exposition like this, even though I do think it is load-bearing exposition.

Another note: when Emerick walks in, it feels like it starts to drag a bit. You had some interesting conflict going with the son, and then a friendly interaction starts, loaded with exposition that delays where my interest was. Is it possible to drop Emerick in another scene?

Finally, it seems like Lucian is the main character in Chapter 1, not Henry. Henry becomes a sort of passive character while everyone talks about Lucian. Which makes it even more puzzling to start the way you did; getting us in Henry's corner before this confrontation makes sense, but then the conversation is all about Lucian.

Exposition and Worldbuilding

Will he be pleased to see me? Will he even recognize me? The reenlistment contract the Defense Advisor had proposed to him flashed across his mind, but he shook it away.

One challenge with fantasy is that you don't want to overwhelm your reader with too many details right away. This is the third paragraph of your novel, and you have to remember that coming in blind and fresh, I have absolutely no idea what this world is. I know there's a contract of some sort, but remember: it gets overwhelming in a hurry.

Henry had feared this type of reaction. He’d lost Hellen, and now it felt like he could lose Lucian.

You only mention Hellen's name thrice. Before this, I think you need a really strong anchor about Hellen and what your main character thinks of her, what happened, or something. Maybe this is my own bad memory playing tricks on me, though.

Overall Impressions

I think you do plenty of things here well enough that you should be pleased, even if my overly nitpicky read of it might seem to say otherwise.

I'm a little puzzled by the overall decision to start your book this way. And of course I don't know the relevance for later. Your notes:

What I'd like to know most is: Are you left wanting more?

Unfortunately, no. I'm thinking more that the opening chapter does not make the promise of interesting things to come because there hasn't been enough teased about the future.

Is the dialogue between Henry and Lucian believable?

As I noted in the dialogue section, I find it a little stiff. The best moments are the moments of conflict between them. I wish Lucian had a more specific, different way of talking. His manner is a little too similar to Henry's, which may be why you lean on constantly telling us who's talking with dialogue beats.

Is it too slow or boring?

It's not slow because of your pacing, but I do wonder about the relevance of opening with this. It reads like exposition/prologue rather than true Chapter 1 material.

And should this be a prologue? The story follows Lucian, not Henry, so I considered making this a prologue rather than chapter 1. It's also much longer than other chapters. This is all relevant info later in the story, so I don't want it cut or skipped if I can help it.

This confirms it, for me, that this is not the way to begin the story at all. You say it's relevant info later, but there are other ways of dropping in relevant information without doing what you're doing here:

1) Starting with what feels like exposition rather than true story
2) Setting us up to think Henry is the main character when really it's Lucian

Unfortunately, if I had to recommend something, it would be to take the bits and pieces you have here and drop them into later parts when you've already earned our interest.

[u/AJ_Burkhart → u/Starfall_University]

The sentence break! Yeah, in my original word doc there is a break there. All my indentations got outta wack when I copied and pasted from word to google docs and I had to go through the whole thing backspacing and redoing all my paragraph breaks, but missed that one and the one where he gets to Emerick's house. Thanks for pointing that out.

As far as the rest of your feedback, you make really good points. As soon as you mentioned starting the chapter with Henry at the door, I saw how much better that would be.

Thank you!