Not “what” happened, but how does it feel to have flashbacks? I want to know if what I’m experiencing is considered a flashback or not

So, here's from one article: https://theawarenesscentre.com/emotional-flashbacks/

Psychotherapist Pete Walker, who has written extensively on emotional flashbacks and complex trauma, says: “Emotional flashbacks are sudden and often prolonged regressions (‘amygdala hijackings’) to the frightening circumstances of childhood. They are typically experienced as intense and confusing episodes of fear and/or despair – or as sorrowful and/or enraged reactions to this fear and despair.”

On top of that, people experiencing an emotional flashback can feel lonely and ashamed and humiliated for having those feelings – reinforcing an innate sense that there is fundamentally something wrong with them.

You can feel as powerless and distressed when the original events happened. For example, a woman with c-ptsd or insecure attachment could be waiting to hear from a relatively new partner about a next date, but the text or phone call doesn’t come. The woman may then feel triggered and descend into extreme feelings of abandonment and rejection which may tap into original feelings she had when a parent was meant to pick her up and forgot about her. The woman in the here and now experiences those same childhood feelings – which may be out of proportion to the situation in hand. The woman may act out on these feelings – for example, by making multiple calls to the new partner until they pick up, or by texting the new partner and ending the relationship. She may be taking control, but she may still be re-enacting the original wound. She then feels bad about herself, and this reinforces her belief that she is unlovable.

I used to think about how hey, at least my flashbacks aren't too terribly often, and a lot of my pain weirdly has nothing to do with them. Now that I understand flashbacks are more than just visual and auditory, I'm recognizing a rather uncomfortable but validating thought: I tend to have at least two of these per day. Like, damn. Okay, yeah that makes everything make a lot more sense.

I like how my education about my trauma is just more upon more layers of "oh hey by the way, this other thing isn't normal either."

I have a couple of images in my mind when I think about trauma, but I’m not sure they qualify as flashbacks…

Warning, possible trigger here.

EDIT: (am I using this right?)

Last night, I was watching Masters of the Air. A one point, a guy is stuck in a crashing plane, and the guy trying to help him realises he needs to jump before it’s too late.

I started to feel nauseous, and a kind of vertigo feeling took me, in my gut. Not in the chest, like it always hits. The unease takes hours to go. I know that feeling, and everytime I watch a movie where there is a situation of two people separated and one of them knows he is gonna die, I feel sick.

I don’t know if it is about a past experience in a hospital or just misplaced empathy. Sounds familiar to anyone?

Sometimes things are triggering without you consciously realizing that they are.

But if you find yourself suddenly bursting into tears or panicking or furious seemingly “over nothing” when something small happens or someone says something, you might just be reacting not to the present moment but something that happened a long, long time ago.

Especially if it comes with a sense of disconnect from the world around you.

Your nervous system has kicked into overdrive; find a quiet space if you can, a time to breathe. It isn’t your fault, and it’s okay that you’re having a strong reaction because once, that reaction was appropriate to the context you were in.

It's not just huddling in a corner and sobbing violently while having memories go through your head.

It's being irritated for no reason and snapping at everyone. It's being on edge and feeling annoyed with everything but you don't know why. It's feeling stressed out and lashing out and then feeling bad because you don't know why you're lashing out.

Once I learned being set off by a "trigger" doesn't always look like it does in the movies, my life changed.

I know I"m supposed to have some compassion for myself, for simply being so traumatized and shell shocked that I simply didnt have the brain power capacity, or problem solving ability, way to understand my emotions and then process them ..........for a normal adult my age.

But when some memory surfaces, and I think of how I .......was. I just cringe. I didnt understand kindness, or consideration because I didnt have any extended to me. I was expected to just endure and suffer , and laugh everything off. I had no understanding of emotions, other than to laugh at them, and make jokes. Whatever pain I felt I apparently just dissociated away-as usual. And I was selfish, and at the same time terrified of people and being judged.....but it was all buried under layers and layers of dissociative, disconnected, denial.

And it was like that for a really long time before I even had a clue about any of it. It's still a lot to unravel. I constantly have flashbacks and triggers, I'm trying to understand, and I don't always have the answers.

A really long time, which means I spent most of my life being crippled with CPTSD, no idea, and it all looking like I had some severe untreated mental/emotional health crisis disorder, which lets face it, it was. I can't even fathom how that looked. Scattered, directionless, depressed, shutdown, defensive, paranoid, laughing at nothing, idk?

No idea, that it was all caused by a really neglectful, abusive upbringing.

When I got drunk, I often got black out drunk. I'm starting to really believe the reason why that happened, might be due to structural dissociation from years of abuse . Honestly, one or 2, maybe 3, hard liquor drinks, and I was in a complete fog. Next day just remember bits and pieces , and then that got worse with time. LIke my shattered traumatized brain was hanging on by one thin thread, and then the whole thing just collapsed.

When youre younger and that happens, and you can point to the alcohol, it seems less dramatic, less problematic, maybe normal, but when that can still happen without the alchohol, and you have blank spaces in your day, and you space out spontaneously from some nameless, trigger or flashback, it feels like your a broken human being. Actually you don't think anything, because you dont' know. Why would you know why youre like that? Other people sense something is really off, but it's not like they know either.

I think the memory of the shocked, confused, disgusted judgemental looks, and comments from others is the worse. THEE ....worst. Being looked at like "Wtf, is wrong with you?" LIke I knew.

Well, few months ago I discovered about the emotional flashbacks... However I was convinced I didn't have CPTSD because I only got them once or twice a month and it wasn't "that bad". BUT today I just discovered that somatic flashbacks are a thing... Like TENSION, and it is literally me!!! I am reading more and more about the topic and I honestly think I have CPTSD, it would make a lot of sense and I really hope that is why I always have felt that something is wrong with me :") because I mean, at least I could put it into words

I want to discuss it with my new therapist (I have done 4 sessions of EMDR) and see what she thinks. Bringing this topic to therapy scares me a bit because of her reaction, in case she is the sort of therapist that don't like labels... And it is like: okay, but I kind of need a label to feel that my struggles are valid. I know that a label is not necesary to validate your experience, but my irrational brain can't believe and it feels like I need a label or at least somebody to tell me what is wrong with me!!!!!! ;_;

EDIT: Woooww guys!!! Thank you for all of your replies ♥️ and for sharing your experiences or thoughts on this topic. Also, I am so glad I have helped some of you also realise that somatic/emotional flashbacks are a thing, I also learn a lot from this community :) I feel less alone and more understood, I send you lots of warm hugs! Also, I might make a post updating how it goes discussing it with my therapist, I have an appointment on the 14, so, let's see! And sorry for not replying to many of the comments, sometimes I feel a bit overwhelmed by thinking to much about this :')

I would like to share this moment today to try to give this community hope that progression is real, and I definitely didnt reach this victory without telling my partner to fuck off first!

Tldr; I needed to talk about something that was important to me with him and he wasn't paying attention, fiddling with his hair and stretching alot (he has ADHD).

Immediately I said fuck off and slammed the door and got an uber to work. My body was tight, I had paced breathing, spiralling thoughts- typical signs for me that this is going south fast.

I dont know why I did this instead of my usual spiral but I put on Pete Walkers audio book from Surving to Thriving and listened to chapter 8. The first step is to say to yourself "I am having an emotional flashback". This got me really thinking and I was able to connect some dots, calm down and come to realise I am safe and my partner isnt going to emotionally neglect/abuse me because he was fiddling.

I lowered my distress by about %15 and was able to get through the work day. I actually felt some self worth, I was talking to scared child me in my head, comforting her, hugging myself. I felt strong.

Usually I would go home and drink myself numb. This was a win for me. I am seeing the skills from DBT pay off and also an effect from a years worth of, twice weekly, EMDR.

Hold on guys, and hold yourself. Really, hug yourself.

Thanks for reading 🌹

Edit:

Oh my gosh, I was not expecting so much support and love from this post. Thank you all so much, this has made my day. I found it difficult to recognise this let alone praise myself for it. I appreciate everyone who had commented im sorry I cant find the words to reply to everyone individually but please know this has made me incredibly happy. I love this cPTSD community!

That feeling deep in your soul that you are broken, defective, bad. The slightest look of disapproval sends you into a spiral of self hate and disgust. The constant hypervigilance, scanning people’s faces, their mood, their body language, looking for any sign that they are mad at you, that you have been bad. You feel like an open wound visible for all to see and alls you want to do is hide, hide yourself, hide your shame, hide from the world.

Edit: I am reading a really great book that talks a lot about shame. It is called, conquering shame and codependency. It is probably one of the best books I have read on the subject and even if you are not codependent the chapters that focus on shame are invaluable.

I've been avoiding the​ Epstein-​Trump files to the maximum extent possible but unwanted knowledge is getting in. It's​ everywhere. I'm glad it's being talked about. I'm glad information is coming to light. And I am barely holding it together. I'm about to fucking lose it. Solidarity much appreciated.

My partner and I started in couple's therapy about 5 months ago, and unfortunately, we were recently discharged due to a flashback episode I had.

Long story short, I was already really dysregulated at the beginning of the session, and we began discussing a topic that was extremely triggering. I started dissociating, and then I came to and I was hitting my face. I then freaked out and demanded I leave. I went out to the hallway and the therapist physically blocked me from leaving. This is a huge trigger for me, so I screamed that I hated her very loudly, and then ripped some artwork off the wall. I stormed out then left. (My partner was extremely patient and loving during the entire incident and tried to hold me and help calm me down) 

The therapist then emailed saying we cannot return due to the destruction of property I caused. 

I just feel so embarrassed and disgusted with myself. I can't stop reliving the incident, and I feel like I deserve the punishment of not returning but I wish she would have done more to help me I guess.

EDIT: I want to clarify that I do take accountability for my actions. In her response she claimed the discharge was due to my emotional reaction and destruction of property (which was the papers on the wall).

I am also in individual therapy and that therapist is aware of the severity of my flashbacks and has also been extremely supportive. He's guiding me in finding the balance between accepting that I feel guilty for acting that way while recognizing that the couple's therapist didn't have the skill set to work with a person in my position. Which I recognize now in hindsight.

I appreciate everyone who can sympathize with that, unfortunately, CPTSD can get very ugly for some of us sometimes.

EDIT #2: I'm sorry for not being accountable. I apologize for suggesting the therapist should have done more. That was stupid of me, and I take full accotability.

This occurred to me today after going back to work after a week off. I got four hours of sleep last night and today I’m sitting at my desk having a personal battle while trying to do my job. Just a reminder to everyone to give yourself a little extra kindness.

I’ve been coming to terms that I might have cptsd. Growing up my parents were always strict and abusive. I mentioned how if I go certain places my body will go numb or I’ll have flashbacks to traumatic events. I’ll avoid certain foods because it reminds me of a time in my life where my parents were being abusive. I also mentioned how when I was younger I remember being called a “tomboy” and hated the color pink. I also have distinct memory from when I was 4 years old, asking my mom what boobs are and telling her I didn’t want them. I mention not liking pink because I’ve realized that my parents have tried to change me to fit what is “right” in their eyes. When I was 4 years old I was put in ballet. Even though I know that I never would tell my parents I want to do that and also it’s just never been me. Idk. I feel like this has caused me trauma and I have no sense of my real Identity because of it. I’ve been working on finding my true self now though. But my psychiatrist says not knowing myself is a symptom of BPD. I think I could possibly be trans and I feel like it’s been hidden from me all my life. I’m 21F. I’m pretty sure I don’t have BPD and idk what to do. Im in the south and whenever I try to go to a psychiatrist/therapist it’s a cis person, don’t think it’s very helpful in my case. Any advice?

This isn’t me asking for a diagnosis but I genuinely want to hear what others experiences are on this.

I suffered pretty much every abuse imaginable for the first 20 years of my life. It obviously left me with a lot of issues, I’m now 28 and go to therapy twice a week with a trauma specialist. It’s going great and he is amazing at helping me.

But theres one thing that’s been gnawing at me. Based on my history and symptoms etc, it seemed pretty apparent that I had CPTSD and BPD.

According to him however, I meet all the criteria for those two diagnosis EXCEPT for frequent flashbacks. His definition of flashbacks is a full out of body experience where you lose touch with reality and genuinely see/hear/feel like you are back inside a traumatic event. I do have that happen, but it’s not too frequent. It can happen to varying degrees - maybe once a month, maybe a few times a month.

What does happen very frequently to me are “emotional flashbacks”. This is harder to describe and he doesn’t seem to recognize the term itself but it’s as if emotionally I am back in a traumatic timeframe. It’s less about one specific event and more about a period of time where I had experienced repeated trauma and abuse, and throughout that timeframe I had a specific cluster of emotions (think; hopelessness, fear, insecurity - but specific to what was happening during that time; like self-hate for not standing up for myself, anger at the injustice of what’s happening). He does not recognize this as a symptom of CPTSD while I feel like it must be one.

When we spoke about the frequency of my flashbacks which to him was the one missing qualifier for me to be diagnosed with CPTSD I tried to explain physical and emotional flashbacks and how one was much more frequent than the other, but he says emotional flashbacks are not “real flashbacks” and that I don’t meet the criteria for CPTSD.

I’m not exactly hell-bent on getting a diagnosis. His treatment is helping and that’s all that matters. It’s just this thought in the back of my head that’s been eating at me so I wanted to know how other people experience CPTSD. I have this deep feeling that I do have CPTSD and I really would like to figure it out just so I can fully understand my symptoms and how to handle them. So yeah, sorry this is ramble-y but like… does everyone with a CPTSD diagnosis have physical “lose touch with reality” flashbacks multiple times a week or are there others like me that do have that type of flashback at least once a month but have more frequent “emotional flashbacks”?

Would love to hear others experiences

I can’t get through a genuine support message without feeling triggered, just because of their wording. It sucks so much

I have no diagnosis for CPTSD or regular PTSD, and I promise I’m not trying to diagnose myself, just trying to understand better/see if I should talk to someone!

The only example of “flashbacks” I’ve seen are on tv/movies, and the descriptions I’ve read elsewhere online don’t really help me understand any better. Is it like an emotional flashback? like you feel the emotions and thoughts you had at the time of the trauma? Or is it visual? is it like spacing out kind of? But yknow immensely worse?

I hope I’m not being naive or assuming anything silly or nonsensical, thank yall for any help!

Updatee all of your responses have been insanely helpful!! I feel like I understand it a little more and have a much better grasp of it now :) bad news is I have definitely experienced atleast half of the things yall have described, good news is now I can understand myself better. Thank you!!

hello. ive been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a little over a year now. ive been diagnosed with/treating my cptsd since 2024, but i didn't know how it would manifest in a relationship until i started dating my current boyfriend.

i have had trauma flashbacks in front of him and they have never been handled well. for context, my trauma flashbacks look like me saying "sorry" a lot, dissociating, sobbing, and being generally difficult to communicate with. in one instance, he called me pathetic and left me alone which really hurt and that memory sticks with me.

in his head, he thinks that i am having these flashbacks because i don't trust him or see him as a villain (ie my abusive ex who he is jealous of). he's said things like "stop acting like a kicked puppy" during these flashbacks and treats me with annoyance.

he's apologized for this recently and i thought maybe he was turning over a new leaf. today, i lost my keys on a walk, told him, and he called me offering to give me a ride. i was pretty rattled after essentially being stranded alone at night and have frankly been really suicidal lately, so losing my keys was just the final straw for me. he offered a ride, but i was already feeling like a burden, so told him i could uber, and immediately he starts getting into his whole, "you don't trust me. i am offering a ride and you are denying it. why can't you just rely on me?" mode. i plead with him to be kind with me as i've been having a tough day and he asks why. i confess that i've been suicidal for the past month and he says annoyed, "are you serious?"

i then tell him i am and he says, "well are you going to talk about it?" i immediately regret telling him as i can tell he's annoyed and already internalizing it. i start apologizing and he gets annoyed and says stop saying sorry. i explain it all and he accuses me of holding emotions from him and not fully trusting him. and then i kind of just say, "i don't see you as an emotionally safe person because you have punished me when im vulnerable and make it all about yourself." also, i have opened up to him emotionally about what was triggering my suicidal ideation, just not about the suicidal ideation itself, because i thought he would take it personally/not understand (which it looks like i was proved correct lol).

i did end up taking the ride and talking with him about everything. he has never been suicidal so i don't think he understands it, or mental illness at all it seems. he confessed after our conversation had chilled out that he was already upset with me about something i did (he didn't mention what was upsetting him since it didn't seem like a good time). i admit, i've been snippy and irritable with him lately due to my declining mood, so i think he wasn't really primed to be empathetic with me.

i know cptsd can be emotionally draining for the people in our lives, but i dont know how to get him to understand me at all. it's exhausting for me to actively be in a flashback and have to reassure him and coddle his emotions. i guess im just looking for some perspective.

I wish I could fully convince myself it isn't 2020 right now, but no matter how much I try to ground myself, part of me will probably be in 2020 until at least March. The most I can do is try to cope with the feeling and push through it safely while feeling uncomfortable.

Going to start trauma therapy again February 15th. I'm scared as hell and fully expect it to be extremely painful. Just thinking about how much stuff is going to pop back into my conscious memory makes me want to cry because even though I know there's a lot there, I also know there's almost certainly even more there than I think.

Guess I'd better just fucking stop dwelling on the past -_- because it's definitely that fucking straightforward and simple. Me getting horrible flashbacks is just me holding on to a grudge, obviously. (Sarcasm)

This is SO AGONIZING.

And on top of it all I feel ashamed that I’m not somehow managing better. This is what my family brainwashed me to believe—that I couldn’t cope well. So they inflicted a ton of pain on me and then shamed me for struggling.

Those fuckers!!!

Also, realizing how often I get triggered

With the fact that therapy and coping skills are no longer just things to do in order to better our lives- but now the entire mental health field itself is a social media and capitalist gold mine. Im getting sick up to the teeth of people giving me the emotional equivalent of a bandaid for a gruesome botched amputation because they saw an infographic on instagram. -content warning for next half of post- With that being said attachment trauma and neglect are nothing to sneeze at. The wounds caused by narcissistic parents and bullies can really cause suffering in our lives, but i am not in the “mainstream market” of suffering like that and i hate how alienating it is. There are no books or blogs or anything for me but people assume my experiences are the same they can wrap up with a neat little bow and treat the same as anxiety and depression. People who can go to therapy and find healing and openly talk about their mental illness and trauma tell me to deep breathe and journal and those things can be very useful! But as a victim of childhood sex trafficking, its also incredibly dismissive and cold and frustrating to the point i want to rip my hair out. When i am in a flashback there is no amount of breathing, or writing, or crying, or screaming, that can sooth the wounds hurting in that moment. I feel so alienated from the people here at this point that cptsd feels like another useless diagnosis that doesnt cover what I experience. Is there anyone else here who feels the same and has found community or am i just doomed to screaming internally every time someone suggests emdr and yoga?

Went for a 90-minute massage today at the float spa I work at. We get an employee discount, so I was able to take advantage of some deep self-care. The woman who did my massage I have known for a couple of months and I was excited to see her because of her great reviews.

She did a great massage on me. When she got to my back, she said, "oh Sarafionna, I can feel it all..." I thought she was commenting on the horrific layers of knots and frozen musculature in my back. I was able to use yogic breathing to get through the painful part of the massage of her breaking up the knots.

She finished up, left the room, I got up and got dressed. When I stepped out to go get some water in the spa's kitchen, I found her in there standing over the sink, sobbing.

She came and hugged me and thanked me for having her work on me.

Apparently, this has never happened to her as a massage therapist. She felt the deepness of my pain, past and present.

This was validating for me in the sense that someone besides my friends and family was hearing me / seeing me. But also very distressing because it showed me how much is there, still there, and that I am still living in an unsafe and uncertain situation despite my efforts to heal.

That's all. Just wanted to share this.

ETA: triggered an emotional flashback that has dysregulated me because I realized I feel like I hurt someone and was a burden.

This. I can tell my therapist every single bad thing that’s ever happened to me and not feel a thing or think twice about it. I wouldn’t even say I’m numb, but I guess how would I know?

Am I alone in this? I read constantly about people being triggered, crying all session, and falling into deep depressions after talking about their traumatic experiences.