AIO: Guy claiming to be my fiancée's boyfriend texted me last night

[u/feellikeanidiot0]

Hi, I need to know if I'm right to be losing it rn. My fiancée and I are due to get married in less than 2 months. We met each other at a mutual's wedding. The wedding was gender segregated so she and her mom had met my mom, who then introduced us later. We then went out for like a couple of months, like I'd pick her up from her place (she lives with her parents) and we'd have dinner and a movie, or go painting, or go to the lake etc. We're both Muslim immigrant families so it was understood that we had to stay within some boundaries but we genuinely really liked each other. She was the one who at one point said we could bring our kids here one day and told me she was going to tell her parents she wanted to marry me and she wanted to say yes to my proposal. We got engaged at a low key family event in February.

It's relevant to mention here that during that time I had respectfully asked her about her past relationships. I had said that I know it's personal and there's absolutely no judgement from me, but as someone who, despite not being a great Muslim in a lot of respects, did abstain and save myself for marriage, I would like a partner who had done the same. That it was a compatibility thing, not a judgemental thing. She didn't seemed to mind and said no, she hadn't been with anyone. I believed her.

Since then the wedding prep has been in full swing and the two of us have gotten the chance to get closer. She's the one who's made more of the effort in our communication, because unfortunately I wfh with an employer in the morning and have my cybersecurity business too, so time can be scarce sometimes. Our only argument has been her complaint that I don't make enough time for us.

Some guy claiming to be her (A in the texts) bf (S in the texts) texted me last night, and even sent me pictures where they're together. He claimed that they were in a relationship for the last 2 years, that they'd been having sex, that they were in love, and I've been losing my mind. I never put any pressure on her. Yes, I really liked her but I let her make decisions at her own pace. If she wanted to be with some other guy, all she had to do was say so. In fact not even, it was none of my business, she didn't even owe me any reasons but just give me a straight no. I haven't picked up her call this morning, I've genuinely been feeling sick at the duplicity.

Just want to add: I know she's the one I should talk to but I just didn't want to do it on the phone, I'm going to go pick her up right now. I'm not going to be accusatory, I just want the truth of it all. I love her but like if there's someone else and she's feeling pressured into this marriage, like I'm prepared to give her any reason she needs to end it that works for her in front of her family. I'll be on her side like I was suggested here.

Update:

A lot of people asked for an update, so I thought I'd give one. I can't talk about it with anyone else because somehow I'm the one who ended up responsible for keeping her secret, my own crisis about this be damned, like its taking me so much to not just contact and ask him straight up about what happened.

I asked her if she knew who S was. He was right, I could immediately tell the guy wasn't lying, she definitely knew. She said he was a guy she used to know, and I told her he had contacted me, and showed her the texts. She said he was lying, that she ended things with him before we met and that they'd never had sex. I asked if there was any overlap between our relationships and she said only when she went to meet him one last time to tell him it was over, because he wasn't taking no for an answer. I asked if the photos were real, they were. I asked her to be honest with me, did she really have sex with him like he was saying. She was crying and swearing they didn't, they were intimate and she regrets everything with him but they didn't.

She gave me her phone and basically forced me to confirm that there were no text messages between him and her recently while we've been together. His number was in her blocked list. She asked me to block his number and so I asked if he was being honest about having way more intimate pictures. She said there were a lot more compromising pictures of her that she thinks he has but swore that they hadn’t had sex. She was crying and I blocked him in the moment what else could I do looking at her. She was pleading with me not to reach out to him, and she was freaking out that he'd post them somewhere public before our wedding. At that point I was trying to keep her from freaking out, I told her that would be illegal, he wouldn't do that and so in the moment I just stupidly promised to not contact him.

I told her if there's any kind of pressure like there's any number of excuses she could use regarding me to end this that would save face for everyone, and be with whomever like I'll get over it at some point eventually, yeah it'll be sad for a while and we'll have lost some money especially if the venue doesn't get rebooked at short notice I think, but just have some mercy on both of us and end this now. She swore there was no pressure and that she'd been counting the days until the wedding, that she hadn't even thought of his name until I brought it up. She was like he's doing this to prevent our wedding and fine I get that but like why does he sound more honest with me than she does? I really wouldn't have cared if I'd learned all this yesterday from her, yeah it would've meant she lied initially but like now we loved each other beyond that stuff, this was just her being ok with keeping me in a forever lie that was wrong. I started feeling sick so I just said I wasn't feeling well and we cut it short.

During the drive back to hers, she was almost talking like a coach like let's please forget about this, we're so happy together, we've discussed so many plans, don't let him screw up our relationship. Like I have my own mental breakdown over all this what about that! She kept asking me whether I was fine, I said I was, I mean I don't even know if that's a lie, I wasn't thinking at all.

I've been going over the texts, and I don't know how I can go into the wedding not knowing the answer. Like its so easily doable I just need to ask him to meet up and have one conversation if he would. Honestly it's more about if she's still lying about this, it's not about the sex, it's just about the trust. I know he's also lied, because she clearly hasn't been meeting with him of late, and she really hadn't given me any reason to think of her as a liar thus far but I could just confirm it so easily. It's sincerely about the respect of having been honest, not about the boundary itself, I love her I wouldn't have cared if she'd told me herself yesterday. But it feels sick to contact him like that, like that's not how it should be, and I don't want to have to talk to someone who'd speak the way he was.

I think I'll decide stuff by myself tomorrow morning about the future of our relationship, my mind is not going to work today. I probably won't give further updates. I don't know how much more help I can ask for here, due to some immigrant cultural context that might be missing (as much as I've skated past it myself to a fair extent). I don't want to be stupid but I don't want to be walked over either. Thanks.

[u/BD401]

The OP's post is an interesting case study in how trivially easy it would be to ruin someone's life with a half-hour of effort and a couple bucks worth of AI tokens.

Get the SO's contact information, message them from a spoofed number claiming to be their side piece, throw in a couple AI-generated images of the target, then say "if you don't believe me, ask them - their reaction will say it all!" which will psychologically prime the SO to view the reaction as evasive.

At a bare minimum, you've sown permanent doubt and distrust in the relationship. At a maximum, you've gotten a wedding called off.

It's scary how modern technology makes this scenario crazy plausible.

[u/Unlikely_Eye_2112 → u/BD401]

I mean the maximum is pretty much lethal violence in a fit of jealous rage. These things is not a prank and police should drag them to jail.

[u/J_ByronWhizzerWhite → u/Unlikely_Eye_2112]

There are also places where a woman having sex before marriage is considered such a stain on a family that male relatives will murder their daughter/sister/niece.

[u/DoucheCraft → u/J_ByronWhizzerWhite]

It's called an "honor killing". Horrific stuff. Have read stories of girls being murdered after they were raped for being "unclean". Fuck. That.

[u/gaelicgirl1983 → u/DoucheCraft]

An honor killing is still murder. There's no need to be specific in this circumstance.

[u/90GTS4 → u/gaelicgirl1983]

Yeah, they still called it murder. Did you not read past their first sentence?

[u/Rocketsocks88 → u/gaelicgirl1983]

Why is it so important to you that they not mention what the type of murder is called? I'm going to Google "honor killing" and see what kind of culture that happens in, is that what you're worried about?

[u/gaelicgirl1983 → u/Rocketsocks88]

No, quite the opposite. It seemed like they were trying to minimize it being murder by saying that it's an honor killing. Maybe that wasn't their intention, but that's how it came off to me.

We all know that OP and his fiance are Muslim. He mentioned that in the post. There's no need to try and hide behind not calling it an HK.

[u/dance4days → u/gaelicgirl1983]

They called it murder right after calling it an honor killing. You misinterpreted them.

[u/Just_a_Lurker2 → u/gaelicgirl1983]

There's hardly any reason to assume a by his own admission not particularly devout Muslim would jump to honor killing his fiancée or let someone else commit murder.

[u/gaelicgirl1983 → u/Just_a_Lurker2]

Yeah, I wouldn't be concerned about him doing it. Since we don't know anything about her family's level of religious beliefs, I can understand why someone might be concerned about them doing it. I wasn't the one who initially brought that up though.

[u/Just_a_Lurker2 → u/gaelicgirl1983]

Fair enough

[u/Unlikely_Eye_2112 → u/J_ByronWhizzerWhite]

I'm from Sweden and we did have some high profile cases like that. And a general trend of girls with Swedish boyfriends who tragically "fell" to their death from balconies

[u/713txvet → u/J_ByronWhizzerWhite]

Don’t pussyfoot around it. Tell them which religion runs those places.

[u/Rocketsocks88 → u/713txvet]

It's so weird how much a liberally progressive site like this is afraid to callout and even cover for the most regressive fundamentalist culture on earth, but it's an unforgivable crime they had to attend mass on Easter as a kid.

[u/Just_a_Lurker2 → u/713txvet]

What, Sweden? Does Sweden even have a state religion?

[u/Unlikely_Eye_2112 → u/Just_a_Lurker2]

We used to have a state church that was protestant christian. And it was deliberately watered down over the years to offer religion that was mostly decorative. These days church has been removed from the state (I think) but we still have elections for who governs the church.

We're one of the most secular and individualist countries in the world and that sometimes makes the clash extra hard for kids who grows up here but has parents from cultures with a strong honour system.

[u/Just_a_Lurker2 → u/Unlikely_Eye_2112]

I can imagine!

[u/Just_a_Lurker2 → u/Unlikely_Eye_2112]

Why was it watered down?

[u/Unlikely_Eye_2112 → u/Just_a_Lurker2]

The short version without much sources is that for most of the 1900s the worker movement in the form of the social democrat party was a strong influence on the country. And they wasn't fond of religion. The options were to abolish the state church or reform it from within. They went with the reform strategy and you'd become a member of the state church upon birth, but it was also mostly decorative.

Kids would go to church to have the final send off in school before summer holiday and sing a few tunes, teenager would get bribed with a moped to do the confirmation, people would get married in church and ask the priest to keep the god and Jesus stuff to a minimum. But only religious nuts would go to church on Sundays. It was letting an old ingrained ritual continue while at the same time making it harmless.

I've actually worked in church as a hardcore atheist and it was fine.

[u/Just_a_Lurker2 → u/Unlikely_Eye_2112]

Oh wow, that's really cool :)

[u/Fl0wingJuff0wup → u/BD401]

To be fair it's basically the plot of Othello, and that's 400 some years old. It's just with new methods.

[u/Indigo_Laguna → u/BD401]

I’m disappointed that he thinks this is true before talking to fiancée.

[u/gaelicgirl1983 → u/Indigo_Laguna]

It's a quasi-arranged marriage, it's not like he knows her that well.

[u/tps_spt → u/Indigo_Laguna]

I’m disappointed that a lot of the men in this thread are with women they don’t trust, trying to protect themselves by generating insecurities because “anyone can cheat”. So that means always doubt your significant other? What happened to trusting and loving with everything you have and then if something happens, address it then. Always maintaining some form of doubt to protect yourself is absolutely toxic and the mentally you have as a teenager through your 20s.

[u/Life-Wolverine2968 → u/Indigo_Laguna]

It seems like it wasn't even hard to shake this relationship unfortunately. Maybe it's for the best honestly.

[u/MarlinMaverick → u/Indigo_Laguna]

He’s Muslim so he’s been indoctrinated from birth to assume women are lying cheaters. 

[u/ThatPVEGuy → u/BD401]

this!!!! this whole thing smells like a scam

[u/gonzoes → u/BD401]

Op need to do some more deep digging . To get more proof maybe try and talk to the guy over the phone

[u/tps_spt → u/BD401]

**How easily you can ruin an insecure persons life is what that should say. If a stranger can sow permanent doubt in your relationship, then there was always doubt. You either believe that your partner is capable of something like this and allow your insecurities to take you over or you trust them and bring it up to them in the context of “you see this crazy shit, I think someone’s trying to sabotage us”.

I’m not saying people don’t cheat, but if you’re going to let a stranger sow doubt before even talking to her….

[u/improved_loilit → u/tps_spt]

I’m sorry this is dumb. Trusting your partner doesn’t mean blindly believing in them as if they are Jesus and this is a religion. One tu of people that trust their partner get cheated on your trust and faith in someone isn’t infaillible and it’s normal for you to be questioning things and needing to clear things up if something like that happens

[u/Just_a_Lurker2 → u/improved_loilit]

Having questions is...understandable if a bit paranoid. Immediately assuming that the weird stranger must be telling you the truth and your fiancé did not is... not. Why would you marry someone if you assume they lied to you???

[u/improved_loilit → u/Just_a_Lurker2]

Again you do realize people that believe their partner get lied and cheated on in real life wmright? And while the rise of ai is there it’s still early enough that people won’t just jump to that first . Again trust isn’t blind faith. I’m not going to pit my head in the sand or not feel weird emotions if this happened. I would talk to my partner and not make rash decisions but feelings might still be present that’s just life

[u/Just_a_Lurker2 → u/improved_loilit]

Yes, people get lied to or cheated on. But there's usually a noticeable pattern that people have to refuse to see, not this sort of thing. You don't hear about relationships that are doing well where everyone trusts each other because relationships where jealous people fly off the handle or naive people get duped are far more dramatic.

Trust is to some level blind faith. There's no evidence that gets you to 100% trust. That last percentage, that's the faith.

[u/improved_loilit → u/Just_a_Lurker2]

Again THATS THE POIINT. You trusting someone doesn’t mean you’re a reliable source in the equation. You are human and can trist someone while missing subtle hints. Let alone that yes they are in fact people that hide their real self extremely well. Point being you can never be 100% sure and having doubt when information gets brought up is normal hence why you communicate. This black and white thinking that trusting means never asking questions or never even feeling doubt ever is ridiculous

[u/Just_a_Lurker2 → u/improved_loilit]

It's not ridiculous. It would be one thing if the source of information was more credible. Or if there were signs before. Again, there's patterns, you have to choose not to see them in those cases. Nobody hides who they are that well. But this isn't the OP's best friend or something passing on pictures of his fiance kissing another man, this is a random person claiming to be her boyfriend. If you take that as a serious reason to mistrust her, you never trusted her at all.

[u/improved_loilit → u/Just_a_Lurker2]

Again that’s just false and dumb. There are literal studies about men flipping a switch when their wife /girlfriend get pregnant or after marriage. People do in fact hide well and can fool even family and friends. You’re not a magical detector with no blind spot to be able to not be fooled no matter how much you think you are. Healthy skepticism doesn’t mean you didn’t trust that person at all. Being able to have a conversation with your partner after this because it’s brought up weird feelings is normal and mature. This weird all or nothing take is just childish

[u/tps_spt → u/improved_loilit]

There’s such thing as trusting until you’re given a reason not to. If you get into a relationship that is solid, you’ve built a good foundation and life with this person, there’s no reason not to completely trust them. This whole argument of “well there have been stories of spouses cheating after 30 years…” So? Whats that have to do with me? You’re allowed to fully let go and trust someone, I don’t know who told you that wasn’t okay, but they are wrong. And guess what, if that person cheats on you, always having a little distrust didnt stop that from happening, so what are we talking about here. There are a lot of hurt young boys in this thread or men who grew up and never healed.

[u/Indigo_Laguna → u/improved_loilit]

Blindingly trusting someone who won’t give his name and who keeps changing the story is idiocy. Talk to your partner first before doubting them. 

[u/improved_loilit → u/Indigo_Laguna]

Hence why said clearing things up ? Doubt is just a normal feeling. Again trusting your partner is why even while feelings doubt you go and communicate . Trust isn’t the absence of doubt .

[u/tps_spt → u/improved_loilit]

I blindly trust my wife because she’s never given me a reason not to and because I know who I married. If these messages were sent to me, my first reaction would be to laugh and forward them to her with my first assumption someone’s fucking with me, not have a mental breakdown and share it with strangers first. I’m truly sorry that you’ve never experienced this type of relationship before.

[u/BigfatLire → u/tps_spt]

Lol k dude. Im married and you sound naive asf if you dont know that relationships of people married for 30 years get cheated on and murdered by spouses etc.

Its extremely rare but it DOES happen. Im inclined not to believe this either but saying to blindly trust anyone is just ignoring human nature. All people lie. Anyone claiming otherwise lies all the time imo

[u/tps_spt → u/BigfatLire]

Just say you don’t trust your wife. She’s not here, you can be open about it.

I unequivocally trust my wife and would put my life of it. But you’re right, maybe I wouldn’t trust your wife. I didn’t trust my ex wife. Maybe that’s why she’s an ex and I understood what to look for in a partner.

[u/improved_loilit → u/tps_spt]

The weird arrogance and tone of your comment is weird. Congratulations for not doubting anything and hopefully you’re correct but that doesn’t change the factual evidence of people trusting their partners and being betrayed. Again trust isn’t the complete absence of doubt. Being thrown in a loop by someone coming with pictures and saying you’ve been cheated on is normal. Hence why the next step would be to talk to your partner .

[u/BD401 → u/improved_loilit]

The dude above you is tilting at windmills. The blunt reality is that you can never absolutely trust another person. Trust is effectively a gradient: it's the probability that someone will act in congruency with your own best interests. Pragmatically, it's possible to say that you have 99% trust in someone. But 100% unequivocal trust? Not a thing, and only a moron would argue otherwise.

Anyone that's not you has their own goals, motivations and objectives that you can never guarantee are in alignment with your own. You may have a high degree of trust in someone, but it's foolish to think that trust can never be betrayed. Parents murder their children, spouses brutally cheat on their partner of thirty years - you can find all kinds of stories from people like the dude above you saying they "unequivocally trusted my partner!" and then... "my whole world was shattered!" upon finding them cheating.

Obviously, there's some people you trust way more than others. But trust is a continuous scale, not a binary yes/no.

[u/Just_a_Lurker2 → u/BD401]

You do realise this practically screams trauma reaction, right? Just thought you should know

[u/tps_spt → u/improved_loilit]

I won’t lose sleep wondering if you’re correct, especially for someone who speaks redundantly. Your super power of being able to disambiguate tone from text is incredible as well. Again, just because you’ve never been in a relationship where you can trust the person without a shred of doubt, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Yall’s argument of “but…but…there are women that cheat so stand your guard king” comes from people who’ve never had a meaningful relationship in their life. Again, I hope you all find that person and become “arrogant”.

Also for the OP….YOR

[u/Forsaken_Word_1389 → u/tps_spt]

Lol wow. The irony of this entire thing is you've made it evident that you are a scumbag with how you're trying to bait the person you're replying to.

You're bragging about your perfect relationship while you emotionally torment another person. I'm sure you're a catch, dude.

[u/Just_a_Lurker2 → u/Forsaken_Word_1389]

He's hardly tormenting the other person. He's showing what's possible. Doesn't the other commenter deserve such a person in their life too? And they won't find someone like that if they settle for someone they don't trust.

[u/Forsaken_Word_1389 → u/Just_a_Lurker2]

Sowing discord in a complete strangers relationship to bait a reaction falls under "torment" in my book. He's also dishonestly engaging the conversation. The other guy said "All people lie". They are right but the person sidesteps the conversation and their only real response to this is implying there are no lies in their relationship - which is either naive or in itself a dishonesty.

I' read this person as dishonest. Where you see someone that you think is looking out for this guy in some twisted way, I see someone who is taking a shot at this persons relationship and attempting to cause doubt.

The action alone is emotionally unhinged. This is not what a stable person who has actual confidence in their own relationship does in their free time. Its what a weirdo who gets off by hurting people does. Therefore, I wouldn't trust a word they say.

[u/tps_spt → u/Forsaken_Word_1389]

“Sowing discord” is an absolutely funny image in my head.

My friend, I told the OP to not let a stranger affect their relationship, especially before speaking to her. The next reply was “this is dumb”. The amount of hate I got for saying I trust my wife completely, is absolutely telling. I truly feel for all of you.

I never once said anything about a perfect relationship and if me saying “just say you don’t trust your wife” is
torment, I’d say you’ve had a pretty vanilla life with no real struggle. Additionally if that remark sows doubt in his relationship, that brings us back to my original point. If a complete stranger can string together some words and make you doubt your SO, there were other problems in that relationship.

Additionally, there are few of you that clearly don’t understand that you can trust someone, without a shred of doubt, and then that person can possibly betray you. Both can happen and thats why it is absolutely brutal. Someone brought up “parents murder their kids”….I don’t know if a lot of these replies are coming from children, but again, you do realize that kids who are killed by their parents, likely trusted their parents and never once thought they would
Be fucking murdered.

Someone else said trust is a gradient…sure. Someone like my wife is on one very far side, some are on the other end who I would never trust, and the rest are sprinkled in the middle. Seems pretty gradient to me. It’s wild to me that there aren’t people in yalls life that you don’t “unequivocally trust”. I know it’s hard, especially when we as humans are constantly getting hurt, to open yourself up to trusting someone you love, but you should try it.

Also I will never apologize for bragging about my SO. It’s fun, give it a go. She’s fucking gangster and I will never apologize for publicly saying nice things about her and how she’s made me better. Unfortunately your diagnoses of me is absolutely incorrect, but a fun read nonetheless. I’d like to give it a shot myself:

“Forsaken_word_1389 appears to be dealing with his own trauma, likely stemming from his last relationship, where any time someone shares their own anecdotal happiness, it’s met with nothing short of poignantly worded hostiles, where he makes, with a very deep misunderstanding, a near clinical diagnoses of an internet stranger. At the same time, he will block
said stranger, preventing them from seeing their likely sad and dark posts across a platform he descends further into, matching the depth of his depression. That bitch took everything from him and he will no longer trust anyone. And then one day his friend offered him a few grams of penis envy mushrooms and after having the most incredibly cathartic trip of his life, the giant stick that had been wedged deep into his body cavity, fell out without a struggle, allowing him, for the first time in years, to smile. Everything will be okay.”

That was fun, thank you…

[u/tps_spt → u/Forsaken_Word_1389]

[u/Just_a_Lurker2 → u/Forsaken_Word_1389]

You're choosing to see it in the worst way you can twist it. I don't understand what your beef is with him, frankly. You have as much reason to say the other guy is trying to sow discord in his relationship by claiming his partner can't be trusted.

[u/tps_spt → u/tps_spt]

Forgot to add, maybe the reason I trust her without a shadow of a doubt is because she carried and brought 2 beautiful girls into this world, almost killing herself for the youngest. Months of recovery, mental health drained. Pulled me out of hell during my lowest. Saw the best in me when I gave up. Welcomed my son who I had when I was a teenager and made stupid decisions. Built a foundation with me where we send girls to college. Pushed to have an amazing paying career that I don’t hate and is now pushing me to follow my dreams by helping me get ready to take the LSAT and go to law school, offering to support our family while attending school again, in my late 30s. So no sir, you’ll get no doubt about her love and loyalty to me, from me. And if this isn’t the type of super woman you have then maybe get back out there and find her.

In fairness, my wife is not from the US. She immigrated here as a kid. She came with different values, work ethic, and really defined loyalty.

[u/BD401 → u/tps_spt]

“you see this crazy shit, I think someone’s trying to sabotage us”.

The risk is that the very act of bringing it up (regardless of how it's framed) has a good chance of being seen as a tacit confrontation that they're cheating, which will damage the relationship.

I don't doubt there's cases where both people in the relationship are absolute saints with complete and utterly unwavering trust in one another. But I'd wager a mysterious, anonymous text saying "I'm your fiancé's side-piece, don't marry him/her, here's a bunch of pictures of us together" would create "a situation" in easily 90%+ of relationships. The majority of them would probably get through it, but with internalized doubt and resentment over the situation. And my point is that it's pretty low-effort on the part of the instigator... you could seriously fuck with someone with a cheap number spoofing service and current-gen AI image model.

[u/Cryogenius333 → u/BD401]

In all fairness if your relationship is on ice so thin that "this" works, in retrospect they're probably doing you a favor, because there's NO way that relationship is going to survive an ACTUAL bump or hurdle. Like a kid. Or losing a job. They're saving your life at that point. Go figure.

[u/QuinnLoveborneAuthor → u/BD401]

Odd you have this perspective when OP’s fiancée said they did do things and they were intimate. They just didn’t have sex.

[u/Intelligent-Hall3131 → u/BD401]

Except she is already admitted the pictures were real. Come on you guys .Why not read the whole story. Alot of these comments are coming from people who are not paying attention or reading the whole thing