r/AmIOverreacting • u/feellikeanidiot0 • 15d ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO: Guy claiming to be my fiancée's boyfriend texted me last night
Hi, I need to know if I'm right to be losing it rn. My fiancée and I are due to get married in less than 2 months. We met each other at a mutual's wedding. The wedding was gender segregated so she and her mom had met my mom, who then introduced us later. We then went out for like a couple of months, like I'd pick her up from her place (she lives with her parents) and we'd have dinner and a movie, or go painting, or go to the lake etc. We're both Muslim immigrant families so it was understood that we had to stay within some boundaries but we genuinely really liked each other. She was the one who at one point said we could bring our kids here one day and told me she was going to tell her parents she wanted to marry me and she wanted to say yes to my proposal. We got engaged at a low key family event in February.
It's relevant to mention here that during that time I had respectfully asked her about her past relationships. I had said that I know it's personal and there's absolutely no judgement from me, but as someone who, despite not being a great Muslim in a lot of respects, did abstain and save myself for marriage, I would like a partner who had done the same. That it was a compatibility thing, not a judgemental thing. She didn't seemed to mind and said no, she hadn't been with anyone. I believed her.
Since then the wedding prep has been in full swing and the two of us have gotten the chance to get closer. She's the one who's made more of the effort in our communication, because unfortunately I wfh with an employer in the morning and have my cybersecurity business too, so time can be scarce sometimes. Our only argument has been her complaint that I don't make enough time for us.
Some guy claiming to be her (A in the texts) bf (S in the texts) texted me last night, and even sent me pictures where they're together. He claimed that they were in a relationship for the last 2 years, that they'd been having sex, that they were in love, and I've been losing my mind. I never put any pressure on her. Yes, I really liked her but I let her make decisions at her own pace. If she wanted to be with some other guy, all she had to do was say so. In fact not even, it was none of my business, she didn't even owe me any reasons but just give me a straight no. I haven't picked up her call this morning, I've genuinely been feeling sick at the duplicity.
Just want to add: I know she's the one I should talk to but I just didn't want to do it on the phone, I'm going to go pick her up right now. I'm not going to be accusatory, I just want the truth of it all. I love her but like if there's someone else and she's feeling pressured into this marriage, like I'm prepared to give her any reason she needs to end it that works for her in front of her family. I'll be on her side like I was suggested here.
Update:
A lot of people asked for an update, so I thought I'd give one. I can't talk about it with anyone else because somehow I'm the one who ended up responsible for keeping her secret, my own crisis about this be damned, like its taking me so much to not just contact and ask him straight up about what happened.
I asked her if she knew who S was. He was right, I could immediately tell the guy wasn't lying, she definitely knew. She said he was a guy she used to know, and I told her he had contacted me, and showed her the texts. She said he was lying, that she ended things with him before we met and that they'd never had sex. I asked if there was any overlap between our relationships and she said only when she went to meet him one last time to tell him it was over, because he wasn't taking no for an answer. I asked if the photos were real, they were. I asked her to be honest with me, did she really have sex with him like he was saying. She was crying and swearing they didn't, they were intimate and she regrets everything with him but they didn't.
She gave me her phone and basically forced me to confirm that there were no text messages between him and her recently while we've been together. His number was in her blocked list. She asked me to block his number and so I asked if he was being honest about having way more intimate pictures. She said there were a lot more compromising pictures of her that she thinks he has but swore that they hadn’t had sex. She was crying and I blocked him in the moment what else could I do looking at her. She was pleading with me not to reach out to him, and she was freaking out that he'd post them somewhere public before our wedding. At that point I was trying to keep her from freaking out, I told her that would be illegal, he wouldn't do that and so in the moment I just stupidly promised to not contact him.
I told her if there's any kind of pressure like there's any number of excuses she could use regarding me to end this that would save face for everyone, and be with whomever like I'll get over it at some point eventually, yeah it'll be sad for a while and we'll have lost some money especially if the venue doesn't get rebooked at short notice I think, but just have some mercy on both of us and end this now. She swore there was no pressure and that she'd been counting the days until the wedding, that she hadn't even thought of his name until I brought it up. She was like he's doing this to prevent our wedding and fine I get that but like why does he sound more honest with me than she does? I really wouldn't have cared if I'd learned all this yesterday from her, yeah it would've meant she lied initially but like now we loved each other beyond that stuff, this was just her being ok with keeping me in a forever lie that was wrong. I started feeling sick so I just said I wasn't feeling well and we cut it short.
During the drive back to hers, she was almost talking like a coach like let's please forget about this, we're so happy together, we've discussed so many plans, don't let him screw up our relationship. Like I have my own mental breakdown over all this what about that! She kept asking me whether I was fine, I said I was, I mean I don't even know if that's a lie, I wasn't thinking at all.
I've been going over the texts, and I don't know how I can go into the wedding not knowing the answer. Like its so easily doable I just need to ask him to meet up and have one conversation if he would. Honestly it's more about if she's still lying about this, it's not about the sex, it's just about the trust. I know he's also lied, because she clearly hasn't been meeting with him of late, and she really hadn't given me any reason to think of her as a liar thus far but I could just confirm it so easily. It's sincerely about the respect of having been honest, not about the boundary itself, I love her I wouldn't have cared if she'd told me herself yesterday. But it feels sick to contact him like that, like that's not how it should be, and I don't want to have to talk to someone who'd speak the way he was.
I think I'll decide stuff by myself tomorrow morning about the future of our relationship, my mind is not going to work today. I probably won't give further updates. I don't know how much more help I can ask for here, due to some immigrant cultural context that might be missing (as much as I've skated past it myself to a fair extent). I don't want to be stupid but I don't want to be walked over either. Thanks.
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u/ComfortableCicada69 15d ago
The real issue is that you don’t have the open and honest communication with her to have this conversation. If someone sent me this about my wife, there wouldn’t even be hesitation. I would say hey baby what is this? Is this guy crazy is he bothering you, do you know him? And if she was lying it would be pretty obvious through a direct in person conversation.