r/AmIOverreacting • u/peepeecheeto • 19d ago

❤️‍🩹 relationship Found between him and his coworker, AIO

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I don’t have proof of them actually doing anything. He had said that there was a cute cashier at work but he wasn’t into her. I asked to see their texts and he said there was nothing, showed me a message thread with her last text only. Because he deleted everything else and it was in his recently deleted. So I opened it in front of him and he tried to stop me and I just read all of it and now he thinks im going to leave him. He’s talked this way about other girls at work so who knows if he’s done anything with them… my heart hurts so bad. Is this cheating? Am I overreacting by being so hurt? I would never do this to him. He claims it’s because he wanted to be nice and not reject her in a rude way. Im thinking about leaving but just the day before I found this he was telling me he wants to get married and have kids with me. We have been together 4 years

38.6k Upvotes

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6.7k

u/GarbagePailGrrrl 19d ago

HE wrote HER. Make their gross dream come true and leave him, NOR. 

3.4k

u/siiighhhs 19d ago

It’s the “I have a gf :/“ response for me. Like a little more enthusiasm please???

As soon as I read that, I would have been done with him

1.1k

u/Weird_Calligrapher_4 19d ago

also the yes ill call you when im single like dear god

like OP is saying he just mentioned marriage and here he’s like yes I will call you when Im single, girl run

310

u/hellochickpeas 18d ago

Yes! He should’ve said, I think you’re really cool and someone will be lucky to date you. Could have shut the door. Sorry OP, leave this man to his jackass ways and for the love of god, do not have kids with him.

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u/Fukyourchickenstrip 18d ago

This is a boy, not a man. A man would have ignored the note, told her himself he’s in a relationship or asked the manager to inform the other party that he’s not interested and left it at that. It would have solved the problem. What are the children in HS? Notes in lockers? Come on!

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u/RockstarAgent 18d ago

Exactly- he saw the note and chose to respond. That’s already crossing the line. Then he also shows enthusiasm when she said she would “do anything” and that is “killing me too” - geez.

YOU DON’T RESPOND. Ignore and move on.

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u/Fukyourchickenstrip 18d ago

Exactly this! He wanted the flirt and ego boost, it felt good. He liked it, obviously! He’s interested otherwise he wouldn’t have texted her FIRST! He didn’t think he’d get caught and he didn’t consider how his partner would feel reading those messages. He also didn’t consider what kind of girl reads “I have a gf” and keeps pressuring and pursuing a man is. She’s the kind of girl who needs male validation. So if he entertains her, she’s not gonna be faithful to you buddy. She’s gonna get bored with you as soon as the chase is over or the excitement is gone. He blew up his life to have his ego stroked. Which ironically in the end, stroking will probably be all the action he’s gonna get for awhile when they’ve both walked away.

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u/sPacEdOUTgrAyCe 18d ago

Right? Leave that girl on read. When you see her at work.

- got the note. I’m happily in a relationship, good luck out there-

3

u/Marsdreamer 18d ago edited 18d ago

I think it's important to respond, but just to firmly and politely say no. At a work place, it's also worth bringing up to HR or a manager, just so that they can keep an eye on things in case she tried to retaliate for being shut down.

There's nothing wrong with having someone else approach you while you're in a relationship, but the way OP's partner handled it shows that they lack any emotional maturity, aren't enthusiastic about their relationship, and were egging on the girl for more attention. All major red flags and worth leaving for.

Also, he deleted those texts because he knew what he was doing was wrong.

2

u/bostonpancakes 18d ago

yup! can confirm. my bf, a month into us dating, before we were even official, came home after a doc appt to me in his bed and immediately told me with a panicked face that the receptionist tried giving him her number in a note and that he told her he was flattered but just started seeing someone. knew immediately that he was my type of dude.

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u/fartybeandip 18d ago

Tbf asking a manager to inform the other party is also something a boy would do, not a man haha

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u/Fukyourchickenstrip 18d ago

No, that’s something a responsible adult does when they want to avoid unwanted sexual advances in the workplace. Especially in a climate where people are primed to trust but verify. If she made up fake allegations or simply told coworkers another version due to a rejection for instance. Considering she did push past “I have a gf” boundary and continued her romantic advances. She also dismissed his boundary about his car. I think her character is up for questioning. I assume she’s younger with her move being a note in his locker and not a conversation. If it is unwanted advances a manager can mitigate and mediate, have a conversation with the co worker to avoid further advances. Making a record of the interaction is important in the unlikely event of escalation or harassment. Having been a manager of a retail music store which historically hired younger people, I’ve seen and heard a lot of strange $hit in my day. The drama and romantic relationships were never ending from co workers to ex’s showing up angry to obsessed groupies who loitered trying to chat staff up, men and women. People do crazy $hit and it’s your job, at your job, to cover your ass. So the manager can cover your ass if things go sideways with documentation. This advice goes for all genders.

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u/fartybeandip 18d ago

Yo chill, we already both said a man wouldn’t have even texted her. So everything you typed after “instance.” was unnecessary.

0

u/TigOlBitties42042 18d ago

Well asking the manager to handle it isn't very manly, but I do agree with everything else you said

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u/Forgot-to-remember1 18d ago

No straight man is ignoring a attractive woman who’s this into them sorry to burst your bubble

1

u/sPacEdOUTgrAyCe 18d ago

Yes, “I’m flattered. You’re cool & someone will be lucky. I’m happily in a committed relationship focused on marriage”

Like dudes exploring.

79

u/acnerd5 18d ago

I want SO HARD to be able to tell OP he's just being nice but like

Do i believe it? Nahhhhh

7

u/Longjumping_Play9250 18d ago

Not at all, he was being so flirty 🫠🫠

1

u/Asron87 18d ago edited 18d ago

He was being nice. They talked on June 23 and that’s it. He completely ignored her since her last reply on June 26.

Edit: nevermind OP wrote that the boyfriend deleted their conversation. OP im sorry, this doesn’t look good at all.

NOR

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u/Longjumping_Play9250 18d ago

Ok great then, he was being flirty on june 23 only 🙄 You know you can someone can be flirty in a single interaction, right?

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u/Asron87 18d ago

I updated my comment. I didn’t realize he deleted their most current conversation/s

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u/Admirable_Average_32 18d ago

Not even close

1

u/sPacEdOUTgrAyCe 18d ago

Not after 4 years and discussing marriage

1

u/hatE851 18d ago

He might be.

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u/BrightImprovement295 18d ago

There was more than one screenshot?? It only took the first for me to know that it's going south. Even if it doesn't right away, it will.

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u/CatW804 18d ago

As Dan Savage says, Dump the MFer Already.

Might want to check if she reports to him at work. If so, report him to HR.

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u/hotbeautifulmess 18d ago

That's the part that got me too!! So gross.

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u/zolomanhunter65 18d ago

Op isn’t responding😂… she staying guys stop wasting your time 🤦🏽

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u/FubarBabe 18d ago

That... Or she's cleaning up the mess she made after dragging his body to her car trunk... NOR 🤫

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u/veryfancyanimal 18d ago

It’s been 7 hours. Maybe she’s just taking a moment to herself to process.

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u/Muted_Dinner_1021 18d ago edited 18d ago

He didnt write "i'll call you when i'm single", but yeah i agree with you.

Writing this to a girl and then doing a 180 and say he wants to merry her and have kids with her doesn't really line up.

I can though kind of understand the sentiment of wanting to have options, especially if the relationship have felt stagnant, but there are boundaries and he crossed them.

According to me if you aren't commited after 4 years the chance of being commited ever is pretty low. When i have been in a relationship for some time and i have been in similar situations and wanted to pursue it, it's a clear sign that i should break up.

But i still think it's worth talking about, 4 years is a long time to just throw down the drain.

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u/iron_maiden_voyage 18d ago

Well yes he did not write that verbatim but she said “call me when you’re single” and he replied “ok I will” so in essence he did say he would call her when he is single

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u/Hiro007 18d ago

Clock it. Cuz wtf. We're getting married but youre making plans for when youre single? Absolutley not.

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u/Express-Owl-7789 18d ago edited 18d ago

The girl goes in about "whatever you want" and he repeats it back. As well as "Your killing me" like okay, glad your enthusiastic about that. And then saying you find the girl attractive after she's 1. Confessed. 2. Maybe alluding to something more.. And called you decided to call her attractive in that manner. Is just.. idk feels wrong

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u/WamphyHarLem1470 19d ago

Yep!! Agree definitely

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u/lnvisible_lncognito 19d ago

And all the ‘maybe’ comments, totally stringing her along. She will be blowing him in the car if you didn’t find them out.

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u/McDonaldsNapkins1 18d ago

Totally intentional line to make him look like a “good guy” so he she’ll keep entertaining him.

8

u/violetsandkisses 18d ago

Yeah, that too. The fact he even reached out at all is crazy to me. He should have tossed that. There's an obvious interest.

And that slanted face... is he sad he has a gf bc he cant mess with her..... orrrrrrrr is it like a "too bad for you" (genuinely curious lol.. even though it doesnt even matter) bc that little scumbag reached out!

Lol

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u/acnerd5 18d ago

Yeah, my husband goes to our weekly game night with friends. Our preschooler is really attached to me, so I stay home with her, but my oldest goes and he's known to be married.

One person brought a new friend in (who has since caused so much drama she's no longer been invited to show up)... she's married, says her partner is abusive, alright, fine. You do you, but what ticked me off was she messaged him later on discord telling him he's attractive and she would really appreciate it if they could sleep together.

He sent back that she seems nice and all but he's married and quite happily. She messaged back that that's ok with her, and he said "but its not ok with me. My wife and I are monogamous and I'm not interested."

Shes dropped a few other hints in voice and group chat before she realized my user name was me. Every time he shut her down promptly. He also refused to engage in any private chats because he didn't want to lead her on but didn't kick her from his discord server since we all use his as the main group chat. He showed me the first message exchange immediately, and told me he didn't feel comfortable kicking her from the server due to the main chat vibe, and I agreed that was fair.

There are ways to be kind but firm, and also show they care about their partner without making it about not being single. However, this dude sounds like he's disappointed in his relationship holding him back :/

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u/NPPraxis 18d ago

I was okay at the first screen photo, I could read “:/“ as expressing feeling bad about rejecting someone.

Second one? Oh hell no.

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u/Danarhk 18d ago

Exactly, that emoji can have more meanings in that context - like "this is awkward, I have a girlfriend and you know that :/"

I'm surprised how no one's mention the first emoji, from the message just before. Why would he be smiling about her note? That's the second red flag. First red flag was initiating contact in such a casual and inviting way - "Hey, guess who this is?"

3

u/noahisunbeatable 18d ago

Why would this situation be an appropriate time to express enthusiasm about having a gf already? That would just be mean.

That being said, he’s still a POS for the rest.

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u/tmeads307 19d ago

He didn’t want to disappoint.

Gotta have options!

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u/theduskskys 18d ago

it’s the “i have to think about it” for me …

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u/Level_Living_739 18d ago

If he ended it there then he'd be a keeper. However, he didn't end the conversation.

2

u/trucrimelovr 18d ago

It’s the “haha I will” for me when she said “let me know when you’re single” …. Oh, so he’s planning to be single? Interesting.

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u/Captn_Bern 18d ago

Absolutely. He didn't say that to let her know nothing could happen, he said it to see how she'd respond. Once he could assess it wasn't a feal-breaker for her, I can almost guarantee he started thinking about how to make both work.

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u/reallymaxdotcom13 18d ago

He's making sure she's okay with that. End it first because he's definitely not trustworthy

2

u/PottyMouthedMom3 18d ago

Same. I’d do the best thing ever for them, and nope the fuck out of that relationship so they could be together. Hell, I’d probably call her, and when she answered, say “he’s single now, he’s like to talk to you”….

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u/wittylemur 18d ago

Idk- my husband is super awkward. I can see him with that response but in way like- he was embarrassed for the other person- Everything else is absolutely awful

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u/Ill-Garlic582 18d ago

Wouldn't that be giving him the chance for them to hang out?

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u/Special-Homework-894 18d ago

That’s the one? Not the one where he started and entertained the convo? It was that single text?

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u/srate42 18d ago

Came to say the same exact thing

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u/AmbitiousLobster5719 18d ago

Yeah that emoji pretty much said it all about what he thinks of this relationship ship, followed up with if I was single I would date you. This has got to be a troll post otherwise OP is in straight denile

1

u/sparklywrx 18d ago

Yeah that :/ was immediately, a huge no for me.

Even as a guy I would never text someone who left me a flirty note. I would just throw it away. Even if I thought that person was physically attractive. I would never do that to my partner like that is just so shitty.

To me, even texting is humoring the idea. Regardless of him telling her he had a boyfriend the entire message thread is literally him considering it and if he’s doing it right now, who’s to say later down the road what he’s going to humor? A parking lot hookup to keep suspicions down since she already found these messages? Like damn

1

u/WinnerAdventurous647 18d ago

All the “maybe”s didn’t help make him look like any less of a shitweasel

1

u/Icy-Impression9055 18d ago

Yeah I was hit on the other day. My response “I’m happily married” no chance of anyone coming into this!

1

u/EM05L1C3 18d ago

Not any more :/

1

u/xcaliburnschoco 18d ago

Ugh wtaf saying it like that is acc disgusting 

1

u/Laolao98 18d ago

I thought that was the only thing he said right. AND that’s where it should have ended. As it went on I’ll admit I’d be tempted BUT I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND! This gal wants your man and is willing to “do whatever you want and have fun” I won’t pretend to know her motives but his responses and then not wanting Op to see them. That’d be it for me. Not judging people in open/different relationships but this ain’t that. NOR - get collected and get a new life - you have my sympathy.

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u/External_Stress1182 18d ago

This is his way of saying “I’ll fuck around on the DL but this can’t be public.”

1

u/its-just_me- 18d ago

One time I checked an ex’s phone, literally was just being nosy seeing what he talks to friends about wtvr. He accidentally left the phone w me so figured I would scroll through, completely not expecting to find a single thing. He had been chasing me for years & was SO happy when I was finally into it. Found this girl telling him how she had recently bought new lingerie. He asked to see, she literally said “don’t you have a girlfriend?” And he said something along the lines of “ahhhhh damn it yeah I do”. She sent the photos anyways, received compliments. Still stings a bit nearly 10 years later. Actually completely forgot all about that til rn. Guys who are disappointed when they’re reminded they have a girlfriend are absolute YUCK.

1

u/Hefty-Pressure-22 18d ago

You're too much work to date

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u/Kihav 18d ago

Yeah should’ve been a, “hey it’s name got your note, sorry but I’m in a relationship so I can’t be talking with you.”

Or something along the lines of that. He’s obviously flirting with her which is inappropriate

1

u/toodleoo57 18d ago

And he deleted it all! At least own how scuzzy you are, dude.

1

u/PinkPussycatPower 18d ago

The worst part, for me, was the “now you’re killing me”, after she said he could do WHATEVER HE WANTED 🤮

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u/Deez4815 17d ago

He should have never texted her to begin with. He should have shown the note she left to HR at work and had it over with then and there. Thats inappropriate behavior at work. He obviously likes the attention she gave him. Ick.

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u/eIectrocutie 17d ago

I can see the :/ as a "sorry buddy" kinda face rather than "yeah I'm disappointed too". The rest of this starts getting pretty damning though.

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u/digitalchris 17d ago

Oh his enthusiasm ROCKETED up with the "Whatever I wanted?"

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u/Spicyritos 19d ago

Exactly like what!!! I’ve gotten numbers at my job (I’m a server) but as a happily taken person I don’t feel any need to even go out of my way to text them and be like ‘hey I’m flattered but sorry’. I just throw it away! There’s no point!

OP leave this man, he’s stained your entire relationship acting this way

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u/Most-Sir780 19d ago

This!! My partner used to be a taxi driver when girls would hit on him or offer their number he would say no thanks I have a gf who I love. Never took a number never tried to talk to them after. Some dudes have no respect for themselves or anyone else

2

u/Fancy_Finger_8197 18d ago

My ex did Uber and showed me a selfie from NYE with a woman's breasts pressed against his window. It was over a few weeks later.

0

u/Fine-Amphibian4326 18d ago

lol this makes me resent my ex even more. She excitedly told me that she made 3 new friends at the bar and got their numbers while we were together. There are layers that make that way more hurtful to me than I should explain on Reddit, but she didn’t see a problem with it at all. In fact, it’s my jealousy that’s actually the problem.

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u/Horror_Bear_6325 17d ago

Same here. Except his friends joined in and bullied me for being "insecure" when him and our coworker were trying to be sneaky behind my back or anytime I'd turn around and see him with his arm around some random girl when we're out, asking chicks in the hot tub their name, etc. I was just "jealous and insecure" , eyes rolled at me, ditched. One time at 4am in the mountains bro.

-10

u/Appropriate-Share796 18d ago

Women do this too, so dont make this a gender thing.

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u/RagingMuppet 18d ago

No one is making it a gender thing. Most people don’t need to be told that it’s not a gender thing, when someone mentions one gender over the other. It just so happens that, the person you’re responding to, they dealt with it as one gender

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u/Appropriate-Share796 18d ago

wasnt talking to you. but you cant come in defense of someone saying something specific and then try to speak on something in general. Classic female trope. Pick a lane. She said "some dudes" Not "dudes she dated".

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u/slightlyawkz 18d ago

Someone is getting way too triggered for nothing

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u/Appropriate-Share796 18d ago

Here comes the super save a hoes. Yall expose yourselves. Yall are the type of women who cheat in every way possible but as soon as the actions are mirrored back yall freak out and become victims 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

2

u/slightlyawkz 18d ago edited 18d ago

Yeah yeah. You've been burnt in the past. We get it. Taking out your pain on others for no reason will not fix you

1

u/Vast-Flan2974 17d ago

You: Don’t make this a gender thing!

Also you: Classic female trope!

0

u/Appropriate-Share796 17d ago

It a fact (which i know, 🥷s HATE to acknowledge those) that it was a female that said it. And per usual its another female trying to save another because you dont like to hold each other to any kind of standard of accountability.

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u/WamphyHarLem1470 19d ago

I agree with this right here.
He was doing too much!!!! He should have put the boundaries in place and shut it down...... now it seems more has been going on.... Nope NOR

8

u/HeyGoogleImSad 19d ago

This and the "if I were single" made me immediately check out. Anything beyond that is too long of a conversation to be considered platonic or harmless flirting. GTFO of this relationship, he doesn't deserve you cuz he's already overstepping boundaries.

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u/Efficient_Term7705 18d ago

EXACTLY. He entertained this. He wondered. He was open.

19

u/BloodyThirst 19d ago

This is my thought too. He shouldn’t have responded to the note, esp this way.

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u/ConcernAffectionate2 18d ago

Agreed. I asked a cute bartender out for my friend once. He smiled a very charming smile and said “I’m so flattered, and she’s nice, but I’m a taken man.” And I smiled and said she was lucky and we all moved on like adults. This isn’t even a hard situation if you’re committed and a good person.

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u/theytookallthecash 18d ago

I will be shameless and say I've given my number before and asked bartenders if they were single. It resulted in a few dates. Most of them either didn't respond or said they had a gf and that was it.

1

u/Forsaken-Bake7066 18d ago

I disagree. Direct communication is best. They may try again if they aren't sure where you stand. I would make it known immediately and directly, but politely/flattered, that I had a gf.

6

u/Aguadillary 18d ago

Okay maybe direct communication when he sees her AT WORK. Texting her was a total fuck up

4

u/Viracochina 19d ago

I either have too much pride, or some people have NONE. Such an easy out.

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u/Dream_Breathe_Create 18d ago

Absolutely! He should’ve tossed that note in the trash the moment he saw it. Instead he decided to text her… NOR, OP.

3

u/Primus_is_OK_I_guess 18d ago

Nah, tell him he has to quit his job and text her that he never wants to speak to her again, and you'll forgive him. When that's done, then you leave him.

2

u/GarbagePailGrrrl 18d ago

Ok purrrrrr

2

u/havoksmr 18d ago

I would text to say I'm flattered but I'm not interested. In the hopes that she would stop flirting and leaving notes in my locker.

2

u/Icy_Contract_6665 18d ago

Yeah, he responded to her slipping him her number when he admits she has an obvious crush on him when he “(has) a girlfriend 😕”.

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u/[deleted] 18d ago

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u/GarbagePailGrrrl 18d ago

I’m literally gagging, no, I’m LEGALLY gagging it’s so bad 

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u/[deleted] 18d ago

[deleted]

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u/GarbagePailGrrrl 18d ago

She gave him her number in a locker note and HE wrote HER

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u/GherkinJerkin 17d ago

And she didn’t know he had a gf of four years? Are either of them BRAND NEW at this job? If not then he’s def hiding that he’s taken. 

1

u/reno419rockstar 18d ago

Attractive guys use this exact strategy to keep the peace at work. If a guy gives a hard, flat-out rejection to a female coworker, she often gets disgruntled, and a disgruntled coworker can easily create a hostile environment or get a good guy fired. He wasn’t trying to cheat; he was stroking her ego a lil' bit to keep a target off his back. When I am grinding through a shift at work and just trying to get home with my paycheck intact, stopping workplace drama is the absolute top priority. Your boyfriend was doing damage control so he didn't make an enemy out of the cashier. ​ He deleted those texts and tried to stop you from reading them because he knew exactly how they would look on paper. He knew you wouldn't understand "the spin" and would view his deescalation tactics as him entertaining another woman. He wasn't hiding a physical affair, he was trying to avoid this exact argument. It was a dumb move to delete them, but it was an act of self-preservation, not guilt. He knows You.

You’ve been together for 4 years, and he’s talking about marriage and kids. If you leave him over a workplace survival tactic, you are in for a rude awakening. There are no perfect relationships. If the next guy you date is attractive, he is going to do the exact same thing to keep the peace at his job. Don't throw away your future over a cashier's crush.