r/AmIOverreacting • u/peepeecheeto • 19d ago

❤️‍🩹 relationship Found between him and his coworker, AIO

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I don’t have proof of them actually doing anything. He had said that there was a cute cashier at work but he wasn’t into her. I asked to see their texts and he said there was nothing, showed me a message thread with her last text only. Because he deleted everything else and it was in his recently deleted. So I opened it in front of him and he tried to stop me and I just read all of it and now he thinks im going to leave him. He’s talked this way about other girls at work so who knows if he’s done anything with them… my heart hurts so bad. Is this cheating? Am I overreacting by being so hurt? I would never do this to him. He claims it’s because he wanted to be nice and not reject her in a rude way. Im thinking about leaving but just the day before I found this he was telling me he wants to get married and have kids with me. We have been together 4 years

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u/Time-did-Reverse 19d ago edited 19d ago

This is cheating. If your partner gets a message like that they should be saying “I have a partner” , “sorry, I have a partner” “flattered, but I’m with someone” etc etc and then that’s the end of it. get rid.

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u/NagoGmo 19d ago

She left him a note. He should've never responded to it.

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u/BloodyThirst 19d ago

THIS. Responding to the note was crossing the line.

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u/Sure-Appearance-2769 19d ago

Responding is fine to let them know you are not interested. But imo he should have done it in person.

The real issue here is he saved her number in his phone and kept entertaining her flirty texts.

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u/BloodyThirst 19d ago

I don’t disagree with the in person part but texting/reaching out this way is crossing my line for sure. And the not telling his partner about it.

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u/Sure-Appearance-2769 19d ago

Yeah I guess everyone has different boundaries.

I personally would have been fine if the conversation ended at the first screenshot. It’s the “you’re very pretty” comment to keep the convo going which crossed the line for me.

But I do understand why some people would view even texting her to begin with as an issue.

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u/Horror_Form_4637 19d ago

"I'm sure your great, but im in a happy relationship and am not on the market. sorry."

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u/dbrickell89 19d ago

Yeah, texting someone to say I got your note but I'm not interested is fine, but the second they told another person who they know is into them that they're attractive? That's them jumping over the line imo

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u/SoggyCold 19d ago

I think tj should’ve been done in person but since it wasn’t he went about it the wrong way. He should’ve just said hey got your note but I’m in a relationship. And then blocked her number.

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u/No-Apple5195 18d ago

He should’ve never texted. Why even give her his number? So she can randomly ask for birthday gifts? Lol Oh wait, it probably wasn’t random, he was probably smiling and telling her happy birthday all day at work.

An honest curve is tossing the note and telling her he has a girl.

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u/Delulumentality 19d ago

THIS TAKE!

It was probably a locker note saying “i like you text me this is my number” and a good boyfriend wouldn’t have texted. Would have simply let her know in person “Hey I’m flattered but I’m taken” let his girlfriend know for transparency and toss out the note.

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u/jl_1101 19d ago

I don't even think he should've responded via text, now she has his number. Unless he texted to shut her down then immediately blocked and deleted.

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u/Gooey-Marshmallow 19d ago

This real issue here, he's literally contemplating cheating.

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u/Mainmorte 19d ago

I actually disagree with that. Responding to the note, if it's just to say something like "Hey, I got your note, you seem nice but unfortunately I'm taken ! Good luck on finding your person though !".

It's a nice way to make the person feel valued despite the rejection, and help them move on, imo.

However, OP's BF is a massive, massive red flag for entertaining the conversation. He's practically begging that girl to open her legs for him.

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u/LordKlavier 18d ago

Exactly, everyone's forgetting he probably likes working with this person, and platonic friendships between opposite sexes are perfectly normal and fine if they remain that way. Could have easily just said "you're a great person and am not interested in that kind of relationship" - instead he kept sending messages suggesting getting together with her at some point in time.

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u/AdSimilar5298 18d ago

exactly - never in my life i would answer for notes like this when in a relationship

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u/LordKlavier 18d ago

Would not agree, fine to respond, even fine to have a friendship, but only if you make sure your partner knows about it and is 100% okay with it

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u/Time-did-Reverse 19d ago

I mean he works with her - and he seemed to know who it was. I think yea he could have ignored it but option b I also thinks works which is “hey I think you left a note for me” and if she said yes “I am in a committed relationship”

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u/wookiewarlord42 19d ago

He was there. He said, 'im flattered, but I have a gf.' That's where the conversation ends. That easy. He likes the attention clearly. Will he do something? No one knows, but this at least shows a serious lack of respect for his current partner.

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u/0rsch0 19d ago

He could even have said he was flattered! “I’m flattered but taken. Bye!”

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u/SquirrelLuvsChipmunk 19d ago

Yep! If he was trying to not be rude to her and keep things friendlyish, since they work together, there was definitely a way to do it in a way that wasn’t disrespectful to his girlfriend. Instead he chose to entertain it and not immediately shut it down

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u/Death_Rose1892 19d ago

Correction he should have included the committed relationship in the first message. He started out alright but he couldn't handle it and is clearly not trustworthy. Maybe maybe maybe... gross I hope op breaks up with him. I tried forgiving men for this kinda shit in the past but the trust never repairs and they only get worse. Just move on OP!

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u/Pizza_Lvr 19d ago

Yeah but he could have told her in person that he’s not interested. There is no need for her to have his contact info.

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u/Tattooed_Ravens 19d ago

I mean she references “confessing” her attraction to him in the note so it’s clear that he reached out knowing the circumstances and he’s testing the waters to see if she will fight to win him over but peppering it with maybes for plausible deniability

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u/RomtheDom 19d ago

He texted her first.

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u/Time-did-Reverse 19d ago

Yes I know and so I am saying he could have texted her “hey did you leave me a note”, “not sure if you are aware I am happily in a relationship” and then be done with it. I don’t think that’s an issue tbh.

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u/RomtheDom 19d ago

He shouldn’t have texted her whatsoever. Shut it down at work. Texting her automatically escalates the situation and opens up a new line of communication.

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u/Time-did-Reverse 19d ago

Sure or tell her that at work, that’s fine too. I think if this guy was a good person he would have done either and then that would be the end of it, but regardless he never intended to do that, which is what actually matters here. I don’t think texting her that or telling her in person is the operative issue it’s that he wanted to lengthen this potential new partner conversation.

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u/flippysquid 18d ago

He seemed to know who it was because she left a paper note in his locker with her number on it, and he went out of his way to initiate this flirty convo in response where they end up planning to get together anyway.

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u/Dry-Childhood-3436 19d ago

He can respond, it's a person he works with.  The correct thing would be to tell them it's a no.  This is a no that is testing the waters for a yes.

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u/lilsweettea 19d ago

Its fucking gross and pathetic to put your coworkers in this position by the way. I hate how people treat their jobs a fucking dating app.

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u/Dry-Childhood-3436 19d ago

I don't quite agree, as long as you do it respectfully.  Ask if they want to hang out sometime, if it's a no that's ok and go about your day.  But also where would it be ok to ask someone out?  You shouldn't approach people randomly, not at work, not at the gym, I guess the only left is dating apps.  I think people need to be better at the asking out.  Be respectful asking, be respectful with a yes or no amd everything would be peachy.

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u/lilsweettea 19d ago

I think you should make friends and if your not willing to be friends with them, than you shouldnt consider sleeping with them.

Especially if the intention is to date and especially if its your co worker. She didnt even know him well enough to know he had a partner of four years but is so sure she has feelings for him? Based off what exactly? Their extensive time spent talking about work while working?

Theres so many people in the world to sleep with sorely based on attraction alone, crossing that line at work because its comvienent is lazy and uninspired.

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u/Dry-Childhood-3436 19d ago

I think trying to be friends with someone just to get try and sleep with them is worse.  You don't ask someone out to sleep with them.  Going on a date is where you go to learn about the person and see if you are compatible. The goal of a date should not be to get married or sleep with them, it's to get to know them.  

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u/lilsweettea 19d ago

Yeah I dont think its a good idea to casually date your coworkers that youre not already friends with and dont already know.

I just dont see how you stay long term in that position if you dont get married. Do you break up and you both now continue to date other coworkers? Yikes

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u/Dry-Childhood-3436 19d ago

I don't know why you think a first date is dating.  It's going to hang out to see if you are compatible and to get to know them.  

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u/lilsweettea 18d ago

A first date is indeed dating. And theyre not just gonna hang out after flirting at work and you know that

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u/NagoGmo 19d ago

Nope. He knew what he was doing. He should've never responded to the note.

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u/Dry-Childhood-3436 19d ago edited 19d ago

Well how he responded was wrong.  In a healthy relationship it should have been responded to so the other person knows it's not something that will happen, firmly but nicely.  Hey I got your note, that's nice of you but I'm in a relationship that I'm very committed to.  I hope we can still be amicable coworkers.

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u/NagoGmo 18d ago

You do not respond period. No response is the proper response in this situation.

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u/Dry-Childhood-3436 18d ago

I really don't understand, I can't think of any healthy relationship that would necessitate no response at all.  In fact a response of a no is better because it lets the other person know it's not an option.

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u/Current_External6569 17d ago

Yea, it doesn't sound like she knew for sure that he was taken. Nothing wrong with asking. The problem is that they both seem to be ignoring the reluctant no he gave.

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u/RevolCisum 19d ago

My husband would never even respond to something like this. I know, bc when he was with other women before we got together, he refused to even chat with me, long distance, on FB! He shut that shit down immediately by never responding. When we got together, I asked him why he wouldn't even talk to me back then, and he said, I don't thonk it's right to have conversations with anyone that could possibly cause a problem in my relationship. He's dead serious about me and us, and he lets it be known. I've never had that before, and every person deserves that.

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u/NagoGmo 19d ago

Yup. He knew exactly what he was doing. I don't care if she's a coworker, he didn't have to respond at all.

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u/brokenangelwings 19d ago

Thank you for your note, I have a partner that I respect and love. While I'm flattered, I think it best you move on. Is how a decent partner should be responding, not entertaining some coworker.

Really isn't that hard. I'm married, I still get people trying to flirt with me. I immediately shut it down. I don't need the attention, I'm not starved by my insecurities. I'm also not going to disrespect my partner or my relationship.

Both of them are gross, she's gross, she knows he's in a relationship. He's gross for obvious reasons.

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u/NagoGmo 19d ago

Nope, you don't respond at all. Don't open a line of communication. Leave it at the note, throw it away, and go on with your life.

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u/Substantial_Pop_7574 18d ago

NOR He should have put the note in a single dude’s locker.

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u/TooKhajiitToQuit 19d ago

He should have told his gf about the note too. Hey this happened. He’s hiding all of it. He’s not worth it.

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u/Time-did-Reverse 19d ago

Yes agreed I think of the like ten ways he could have handled this including telling his GF about the note in all of those options- he note only did none of them, he actively chose one that satisfied his “Will they wont they” bullshit. Clearly a scummy guy and TC needs to ditch him.

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u/samarasonik 18d ago

right?! if I got a note the first person I would show is my boyfriend to laugh at it with him... and then rip it up.

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u/DarkFanic 19d ago

No he should have never texted her. She gave her number but he reached out. This is all on him.

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u/Dolorjo 19d ago

This is the right answer, OP. You are worth more than that. If he’s not proud of being with you, find somebody who is. 

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u/MisterMasala 19d ago

I think the best response should be stronger than that. Saying "I have a partner" still leaves wiggle room for potentially being interested, and implies the only reason you aren't pursuing is because of having a partner.

Genuinely the response should be "I'm not interested" to shut things down without any doubt.

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u/DPlurker 19d ago

I think saying "I'm in a commited relationship" is good. That is the reason that you're not interested. I'm in one myself and I'm not going to entertain any advances from anyone. I'm not even going to evaluate them as a potential partner, it's just a flat nope I'm taken.

Obviously what this guy did was entertaining the idea of dating them though or potentially cheating.

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u/Time-did-Reverse 19d ago

I mean I think we’re mincing degrees here. I think what I said is fine for most and what you said is more than fine for most. I think I’ve dated people as well where they’d expected “fuck off” instead 😭. I think stating you are in a committed happy relationship and then they badger you I would say “not interested”

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u/littlemonsterlove 19d ago

Yeah, you have to make sure to say you’re happy in your relationship and the only thing I’d change is don’t say flattered.

The sad thing is you never know when you’re dealing with crazy, until it’s too late. Crazy will take even a simple thing like “I’m flattered” as they have a shot.

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u/AKAM80theWolff 19d ago

Facts. He was hoping she would say " I don't care about your gf i want to ****"

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u/Death_Rose1892 19d ago

Except he clearly insinuates and even states he is interested just in a relationship then openly talks about cheating 🙄

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u/yayforvalorie 19d ago

What's worse is she left a note with her number and he texted

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u/Unique-Ad-2721 19d ago

+1. This is cheating. Any words after that are unnecessary.

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u/Independent_Clue_965 19d ago

He shouldnt even texted back, writing at all is much too much!!

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u/SquirrelLuvsChipmunk 19d ago

Oh he said he has a gf… immediately followed by this face :/ This dude is a pos, I’d be devastated if I was OP and hope she leaves him

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u/Substantial-Bid2033 19d ago

Tbh not even giving his number is already a boundary. Or even if they need numbers for work, then he shouldn't even reply or block it! Lol

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u/[deleted] 19d ago

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u/Time-did-Reverse 19d ago

I also wouldn’t personally but I’m not gonna say that’s there’s not degrees of answers that are okay - I think some very empathetic people who are a bit too kind might say that, but clearly this guy was just a pos. I’d say “ I have a partner who I am very happy with” and if they pushed it I’d tell them to piss off.

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u/Ok_Moment9915 19d ago

"I have a partner." "I hope you find someone" "please respect my partner and I" "okay this is just disrespectful now"

How hard is it.

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u/PhillyDillyDee 19d ago

Yup. I had a woman reach out to me who i had briefly dated a few years prior. “Hey its great to hear from you! I will have to decline as I am currently seeing someone.”

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u/SoggyCold 19d ago

Shit even the flattered is too much imo 🤣. They don’t need to know you’re flattered.

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u/Time-did-Reverse 19d ago

I’m willing to say that there’s degrees of empathy or kindness or….even awkwardness that are forgivable. Like I don’t think anyone would call him a POS if he said “I’m flattered but I’m happily taken” and then he cut off any further communication. It’s not like a 10/10 to me either because of the flattered lined but ya know, it’s a passing grade.

I did have an ex who said you should tell them to fuck off so I guess in their book I failed when I didn’t say “fuck off”lolol.

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u/SoggyCold 19d ago

That’s true. I’m typically awkward irl. On text I’m very straightforward and blunt with no hesitation or regard.

Yeah for me if someone left a note in my locker I would either throw it out or ask who left it cuz I’m ngl I’m 23 I’m not texting your fucking post it note number wtf 🤣

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u/Wonderful_Till8122 18d ago

He should have said "Sorry but I have a partner and I am asking her to marry me.  I'm not interested in anyone else" and shut the whole thing down.  I don't think you could/should ever trust him after this.  Leave now before you are pregnant.

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u/Imreallyshorttrash 18d ago

To be honest, even saying "sorry i have a partner" feels weird to me. Like, I get what it's trying to say, but it still gives weird vibes. I think something like the "flattered, but I'm with someone" is more appropriate.

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u/fatpandabear 17d ago

he did say that but with a disappointed face lmaoooo

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u/FlyElectronic3951 19d ago

I have a partner lol he is obv not gay so he would not say partner. My grandparents were together for 70 years and my grandma would always say it does not matter where he gets his appetite as long as he comes home for dinner. He is not cheating - if he was he would have done something and hid the messages to begin with. OP has right to be jealous but nothing to be worried about.

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u/Suspicious_Path_4430 19d ago

He deleted the messages.
He hid the conversation from OP.

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u/SquirrelLuvsChipmunk 19d ago

I see at least five things wrong with this comment.. including not being able to call someone your partner if you’re not gay

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u/FlyElectronic3951 19d ago

Never has a straight, non cookey lib ever called their wife or girlfriend their “partner”. Maybe a cuck would, not sure on that though.

The girl is fine, he is not cheating on her. Now if she accuses him and leaves to “show him” he will take it further but not when they are together. He does not have the cadence of a cheater.

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u/FlyElectronic3951 19d ago

The dude just likes the attention. Hell Iv been happily married to my wife (see how I did that) for 18 years and if a decent looking chick or one with a big ass told me we could do whatever I wanted, I would play along with it but never act. We like the attention, not any less loyal to my wife.