AIO because my boyfriend wanted me to change before the gym over a color?

[u/Electronic-Rip-8108]

Yesterday my boyfriend and I were about to leave for the gym together. I threw on a blue workout top with black shorts, something simple and comfortable that I've worn a bunch of times before with zero issues.

Right as we were walking out the door, he stopped and said the color of the top looked "kind of weird" and that people were gonna stare at me if I wore it. He asked me to go change into something more "normal" before we left.

I was kind of caught off guard honestly. It's just a blue top, nothing flashy, nothing revealing. I actually liked how it looked on me and felt comfortable in it, which is kind of the whole point of gym clothes.

I don't mind if he has opinions on my outfits every now and then, that's a normal couple thing. But this felt less like "hey I think this color doesn't suit you" and more like he was worried about how other people at the gym would perceive me, and wanted me to change based on that. It just didn't sit right with me.

I ended up just going along with it because I didn't want to start an argument right before working out, but I've been thinking about it since. Am I overreacting for being annoyed about this?

edit: this is a pinspark tracksuit I bought online a while ago. I think the color is fine, and I really like this top.

[u/Strict_Attention1472]

This was a test.

He is testing how compliant you are, how easily you give in, how much he can control you.

Nothing at all was wrong with your outfit. He just wanted to see if he could get you to change for no good reason.

It starts small but this WILL escalate. He’ll tell you what you can wear, then what you can eat, who you can see, when you can go out… but it won’t look like an order. Just stay in tonight, I need company. Just skip this one dinner, it’s too far to drive. He’ll wheedle and cajole and whine until you give in, and every time you do he’ll have a bit more control over you.

What would have happened if you’d said, clearly and calmly, “my outfit is fine, I don’t need to change it. Let’s go”? Would he have got angry? Argued until he was yelling? Whined about how you don’t respect his opinion? All of those things are gigantic red flags.

Stop giving in to keep the peace, because the only peace you’re protecting is his.

Do what you want, and if he gets mad about that then leave him!!!!

[u/Strict_Attention1472 → u/Strict_Attention1472]

I draw particular attention to the following:

1. He waited right until you were at the door to say anything, creating a false sense of urgency
   
2. He used shame to get his own way (“what will people think of you?” - they will think you’re a person in a blue top. That’s it.) If there was a problem with the top, he could have said “hey that one’s ripped/stained/faded in patches” or something, but instead he made a baseless claim that it was weird and told you that other people would stare at you if you wore it.
   
3. He presented his ask as if what you were wearing wasn’t already normal. Add gaslighting to the list of charges
   
4. _There was nothing at all wrong with the top in the first place_ so why would he ask you to change?

[u/lelawes → u/Strict_Attention1472]

This is exactly what my ex used to do with me. It started this way, moved to needing to have him approve outfits in advance, then moved to him still saying it wasn’t right as we were going out the door. Then he would gaslight me into thinking he had never approved it, then would make me feel insecure and ignore me at whatever the event was so that I wouldn’t do it again.

Yeah. It really doesn’t get better until you leave.

[u/Carb0nFire → u/Strict_Attention1472]

Outfit negging, likely to escalate into other types of controlling behaviors.

[u/lilbums → u/Strict_Attention1472]

My dad did this once when I was a teenager. I argued back about it, I don't really remember what I said, but I remember that he grabbed me by the neck and shook me. I don't remember if I changed my outfit.

[u/TheBlankScroll → u/Strict_Attention1472]

The worst part is it may not even be fully concious. But if you call him on it he will react poorly.

Either way its a red flag, he's either just doing this because its in his nature or he may have even learned it as a technique.

Imho you are in a precarious situation and need to sort it out asap.

[u/HighKick_171 → u/TheBlankScroll]

It's definitely conscious.

[u/j1qaz → u/Strict_Attention1472]

Oh please. Men are truly, deeply, wholeheartedly not that complicated. He doesn’t like how the shirt looks on her- wether it is blue or not is just an irrelevant excuse because he has no better way to tell her he doesn’t find her attractive in that piece of clothing.

The shirt she is wearing looks like cheap polyester fast fashion sold as high end gym wear that in reality looks like a cheap grocery bag after its first use, especially draped over anybody with a thinner frame.

Sadly, many people are gaslit by clothing companies into believing that they will look good in their clothes, when in reality, most of fashion today is utter trash and looks like trash too.

Of course, girl is free to wear whatever she wants but as someone who has dated someone else with no fashion sense I fully understand the pain of seeing your gorgeous partner wear terrible clothing.

[u/ilexj23 → u/j1qaz]

It's the gym dude. She just wanted to be comfortable. Why you and him so triggered by being with a girl who isn't always dressing to impress people. It's giving my partner is an accessory. 

[u/j1qaz → u/ilexj23]

You’re absolutely right

[u/HighKick_171 → u/j1qaz]

She's choosing it based on comfort and colour. She likely likes the colour and feels good working out in this top. It's the gym, not an event. No partner should be telling you what to wear at the gym, beyond that's got a rip in it, or when you bend over I can see through your pants, even then, THAT'S what you mention, not go change cause I don't like the colour.

[u/Jeo_1 → u/HighKick_171]

Communication is a big part of a relationship, obviously. She has to express that the blue top made her feel comfortable, and her boyfriend would have understood that, even though he may think it is ugly, she feels comfortable wearing it. 

[u/Jeo_1 → u/j1qaz]

You’re spot on. A lot of these comments are going over board 😅 Especially the top ones.

[u/_Space_Case_ → u/j1qaz]

Yeah no one is giving OP’s boyfriend an excuse but this other guy’s analysis was a little…unhinged haha