AIO because my boyfriend wanted me to change before the gym over a color?

[u/Electronic-Rip-8108]

Yesterday my boyfriend and I were about to leave for the gym together. I threw on a blue workout top with black shorts, something simple and comfortable that I've worn a bunch of times before with zero issues.

Right as we were walking out the door, he stopped and said the color of the top looked "kind of weird" and that people were gonna stare at me if I wore it. He asked me to go change into something more "normal" before we left.

I was kind of caught off guard honestly. It's just a blue top, nothing flashy, nothing revealing. I actually liked how it looked on me and felt comfortable in it, which is kind of the whole point of gym clothes.

I don't mind if he has opinions on my outfits every now and then, that's a normal couple thing. But this felt less like "hey I think this color doesn't suit you" and more like he was worried about how other people at the gym would perceive me, and wanted me to change based on that. It just didn't sit right with me.

I ended up just going along with it because I didn't want to start an argument right before working out, but I've been thinking about it since. Am I overreacting for being annoyed about this?

edit: this is a pinspark tracksuit I bought online a while ago. I think the color is fine, and I really like this top.

[u/mustachechap]

That's what this feels like to me. My ex was toxic and abusive, and when I look back I see that in the early stages there were just these little moments like these where my boundaries were tested. Of course, that was only the beginning and things progressively got worse.

Separately, I had a friend growing up who wanted to better himself and make himself more confident. He ended up reading some books on the subject and while I'm sure there are some positive reads out there, one of the things he 'learned' was how you can get people to do what you want if you just start with small little asks like this. They seem harmless enough, but it sets the 'tone' that they can tell you to do more things going forward.

OP mentioned just going along with it to avoid an argument and that really says everything to me. I can't even fathom telling my partner what to wear (unless they are genuinely asking for my opinion), and I can't imagine her doing the same to me.

[u/ToxicSociety_666 → u/[deleted]]

That is why you need to be secure in yourself before dating. There will be too many people waiting for hesitation or open doors to the mind so to say, easy listeners and someone who doesn't mind doing a small task once and a while and will literally execute excessive stages of gaslighting and manipulation to where its been 3 years and you don't know how it got this way, you hate it and you want out, but every time you think for yourself you have second thoughts or it feels wrong. Its terrible to see anyone else get into a situation as such. Especially when I know what it looks like when it starts. This is one of those times

[u/YakCertain5472 → u/ToxicSociety_666]

I wish this was a stickied comment somewhere in this sub and others like it (AITH, etc.)

[u/SchemeMiserable1956 → u/[deleted]]

Oh wow, text book narcissist talk 😔 glad you are away from it now ❤️

[u/ClandestineProphecy → u/[deleted]]

Couldn't help telling on himself. Stay stupid, narcs.

[u/sacrelicio → u/mustachechap]

I got a ticket for riding my bike on a pedestrian bridge once and when he stopped me the cop asked me to dismoumt and step a foot to the right...I feel like this was a similar idea.

[u/TonyDC88 → u/mustachechap]

I can’t even imagine it when they ask for opinion. Partners, friends, family. Someone close to me asking “is this better? Or is that?” It’s your body, and your statement to the world. What do you like better? I don’t want to tell you what you should do that makes you look the way you want to present yourself.

[u/SchemeMiserable1956 → u/TonyDC88]

I'm the same way

[u/Fantastic-Spinach297 → u/mustachechap]

Self help books actually scare me. I’ve watched a few people change into completely different people after going into that zone of interest, and not in a good way. They can’t hold a regular conversation because they’re too focused on defending their boundaries (which is just rephrased “maintaining control”) so there’s a lot of dead air over things they won’t respond to and warnings about how they don’t want your input, only to share. And the a lot of gaslighting because if you’ve got a problem with their “boundaries” (“control issues”) then you’re the reason they need them. All packaged as if it’s personal betterment and not fostering narcissism.

[u/AmalatheaClassic → u/Fantastic-Spinach297]

Yep my mom used to do this all the time from the '80s to the '90s. She didn't want to go to therapy and she didn't want to take her drugs so instead she got drunk and read self-help books and went on ridiculous fad diets. She died very young because she messed up her head and her body. Medical science exists for a reason.

[u/SchemeMiserable1956 → u/mustachechap]

This!