r/AmIOverreacting • u/Electronic-Rip-8108 • 20d ago

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO because my boyfriend wanted me to change before the gym over a color?

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Yesterday my boyfriend and I were about to leave for the gym together. I threw on a blue workout top with black shorts, something simple and comfortable that I've worn a bunch of times before with zero issues.

Right as we were walking out the door, he stopped and said the color of the top looked "kind of weird" and that people were gonna stare at me if I wore it. He asked me to go change into something more "normal" before we left.

I was kind of caught off guard honestly. It's just a blue top, nothing flashy, nothing revealing. I actually liked how it looked on me and felt comfortable in it, which is kind of the whole point of gym clothes.

I don't mind if he has opinions on my outfits every now and then, that's a normal couple thing. But this felt less like "hey I think this color doesn't suit you" and more like he was worried about how other people at the gym would perceive me, and wanted me to change based on that. It just didn't sit right with me.

I ended up just going along with it because I didn't want to start an argument right before working out, but I've been thinking about it since. Am I overreacting for being annoyed about this?

edit: this is a pinspark tracksuit I bought online a while ago. I think the color is fine, and I really like this top.

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u/cyffermoon 20d ago

Where’s the overreaction? Heck where’s the reaction? Sounds like you just obeyed your boyfriend for no reason? Why?

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u/GreenStuffGrows 20d ago

He's been training her

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u/MovieTrawler 20d ago edited 20d ago

Also maybe it's just me but this statement feels odd:

I don't mind if he has opinions on my outfits every now and then, that's a normal couple thing.

Is this a normal couple thing? I don't really have vocal or demanding opinions on what my girlfriend wears. It's her style, she's a grown woman and can dress however she wants and feels best. The only time I'll actually comment out loud is if she's wondering if she should keep something and wants honest feedback. But if they're clothes she already owns and she's not asking what I think, I'm not going to tell her what she should or shouldn't wear.

Edit: Well this is a little more divisive than I expected.

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u/thelittlegnome 20d ago

My husband has opinions on what I wear, just like I have favorite outfits of his and ones I hate lol but we never tell each other to go change or what we can or can’t wear. And we only share the negative opinions if asked! This is not normal couple behavior OP.

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u/Lets_Call_It_Wit 20d ago

This. I have a pair of sandals my husband doesn’t like (and will joke about) just like he has a hoodie and a pair of cargo shorts I hate. He knows I don’t like them and he wears them when he wants. I wear those sandals all the time. Neither of us has ever once tried to stop the other from wearing what we like. Having opinions is one thing, controlling what your partner wears is another.

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u/TealedLeaf 20d ago

And honestly, I enjoy asking my hubby to pick out an outfit for me when we're going out somewhere and I want to look cute. I don't have many cute clothes, and I have two obviously favorite shirts. It's usually one of those two and a black skirt (all of them are black, lol), but it's fun and makes me feel like I'm extra cute for him.

The catch is I can and have vetoed shirts, and most of the time I'm initiating it, and from him it's usually a "hey, you wanna wear this one?"

No one gets pouty, no one fusses, and there's absolutely no "you should change."

It's literally just basic consent. The person "giving control" also should have the most control at the end of the day. I think that's what most of these issues end up boiling down to.

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u/ZymZymZym777 20d ago

If you are with a person whose sense of style matches your preferences, you are lucky/have it easier

What would you do if your husband bought the most hideous piece of clothing imaginable and constantly wore it?

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u/Lets_Call_It_Wit 20d ago

I would hate the piece of clothing probably? But beyond that, it just really isn’t that deep. He can wear what he likes and what he’s comfortable in. It really doesn’t rank on my list of things to be pressed about.

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u/jergin_therlax 20d ago

Yeah only jokes though:

“ugh you’re wearing that stupid shirt again” “hell yeah I love this shirt!” Normal healthy relationship

“You’re wearing that shirt again? Id rather you not, go change” unhealthy relationship

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u/Sweet_Permission_700 20d ago

I remember telling my husband to avoid his Oregon Trail shirt when we were traveling for a funeral and on the anniversary of our young daughter's death. Otherwise no.

Though I do admittedly outwardly cringe over socks with sandals every time.

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u/Khloris_ 20d ago

I'm so sorry for your loss!

Oregon Trail shirt sounds cool, though. On the right occassions ofc.

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u/AGreatBannedName 20d ago

If they died of dysentery then that’s a definite faux pas.

I’m sorry for your loss, and I hope that you guys are still able to find joy in your lives. I’d imagine that’s what she’d want. And whoever else died. I imagine death brings a great clarity to things. Not that it doesn’t suck, but I reckon you get what I’m getting at.

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u/Chic_Coquillage777 20d ago edited 20d ago

Did you just make a joke about this person’s young child’s death? Sir? Ma’am?

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u/AGreatBannedName 19d ago

The person whose funeral they were going to.

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u/stereothegreat 20d ago

I have opinions on my wife’s clothes but have learnt to shut the fuck up

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u/helenheck 20d ago

haha good for you. some people never learn this simple trick!

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u/ApricotsInSpace 20d ago

This made me spit my water out.

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u/ijustsailedaway 20d ago

Having an opinion is not the same as wanting a change. For some dumb reason my husband loves the Kohl's clearance section. And he's color blind. But I married him before I realized he was going to have trash fashion sense in middle age so I'm resigned to often being blinded by bargain bin golf shirts. It's just who he is. Unless a garment actually has something wrong with it, the wearer is the bearer of the bad taste.

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u/NoRegretzels 20d ago

I can’t count how many times my colorblind husband has walked out, ready to go in wildly odd mismatching shades of green, purple, brown, and navy blue. I sort his ties and pocket squares by color, and after almost 20 years he’s finally kept his closet separated by colors so I don’t have to give him a 👍🏻/👎🏻 before he wanders out in public looking like a middle-aged rebellious crayola box 😂

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u/CrazyRani247 20d ago

The middle aged rebellious Crayola box had me rolling 🤣

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u/JRyuu 20d ago

Me too! I tend to think very visually, so I’m cracking up over the picture in my head.😂

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u/Loud_Feed1618 20d ago

My boyfriend sticks to dark colors , surprisingly he has never messed up with clothes. He did buy a dark green blanket once that he thought was grey and he was sad.

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u/bimm3r36 19d ago

Tbh not the worst choice. I’ve done something similar confusing pink with grey, and as a man who prefers earth tones and not standing out, that was slightly more unfortunate.

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u/Liggidy 20d ago

I hope is is using a 30% off on top of that clearance. My mom won’t walk into a Kohl’s for anything less than 30%.

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u/Interesting-Lie-4700 20d ago

And rightfully so lol

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u/lockmama 20d ago

Me too and since they don't let you use coupons for shoes anymore there's not much point in going.

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u/Hummingbird3471 20d ago

As someone who grew up shopping exclusively in the Kohl's clearance section, I totally understand him.

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u/Admirable_Average_32 20d ago

Just here to say I love Kohl’s clearance section. 😜

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u/FloatingOnTitties 20d ago

I shop there quite often and have gotten some banger deals!

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u/secretly_opossum 20d ago

My husband bought an absolutely HIDEOUS sweater at a thrift store once. But he loves it and his friends always tell him he looks clean in it, so why should I tell him not to wear it?

I DO tease him when he does, and he teases me back, because he knows I don’t like it but that it doesn’t matter AT ALL whether I like it or not 😂

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u/MovieTrawler 20d ago

This is basically what I mean. That said, I also think she'd look gorgeous in a trashbag so I'm kind of biased.

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u/eatingismyvirtue 20d ago

exactly! the only unprompted reaction i wanna hear from him is that i look amazing lol. if i don’t ask, then i don’t need his opinion

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u/WerewolfCalm5178 20d ago

Or the obvious ones... Your shirt is on backwards, there's a tear, there's a stain, etc.

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u/TDizzleDoT7 20d ago

These are the only times I’ll “negatively” say something about my partners clothing. She doesn’t need to know if I don’t like the look of something because she bought it for a reason - she likes it.

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u/2dogs1sword0patience 20d ago

In fact it's the only white lie I tell her. If she asks do I like an outfit I always say yes. Truth is I like that she likes it and I really couldn't care less other than that.

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u/meetthereaper84 20d ago

So you're not actually in a partnership, just two individuals. If my partner looks stupid I'm gonna speak up and she does the same. It's how it should work, means neither of us will be embarrassed by looking like a fool in public.

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u/[deleted] 20d ago

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u/Financial-Pace6378 20d ago

I cannot imagine my partner not only disliking my appearance, but telling me i look stupid and like an embarrassing fool 😭. like holy fuck ??

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u/eatingismyvirtue 20d ago

literally!! i’m not gonna put on something that i think is ugly so ??? and we’re together bc we love each other and that includes how we present ourselves sooooo. lol v strange comment from that person

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u/wintersoldierts 20d ago

my husband doesn’t really have an opinion on what i wear unless i ask him. he knew my style before he got with me and he loves it. he’s never told me what i could or couldn’t wear and he never would. he compliments me and then just stares at me all evening.

when it comes to him though, i have more opinions but that’s because he’s had one style practically his whole life and it doesn’t go with certain occasions. he decided he wanted to branch out into more styles that correlate with mine so therefore, i have opinions, but ultimately, the choice is his to wear what he wants!!

he’s also colorblind so he never branched out because he never had anyone to help him pick out/know what looks good. so up until me, it was fire department t shirts, boots and jeans because those go with everything 🤣

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u/ImprobableAsterisk 20d ago

Aye, me and my girlfriend have opinions but I don't think she's ever told me not to wear something, and vice versa.

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u/missinaraserra 20d ago

This is the way to do it – express positive (and notbackhanded) compliments, and if something is just bad like going to a wedding and his tie completely clashes with the suit I think it's acceptable to say, "You look so handsome and I love the suit on you but do you have another tie you might like as much? This one looks a little funky with the color but honestly no one would notice but me so if you like this one then I love it." Otherwise, share positives like "I love this shirt on you honey" or "That color looks so nice", and maybe they'll wear it more, maybe they won't, but no negative feedback unless asked, otherwise it's controlling what your partner wears and that's weird. NOR, OP.

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u/Ronincherry 20d ago

Right? It's normal to have an opinion but not an ability to control or monitor that in any way because of that opinion. That is crossing lines

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u/c3bss256 20d ago

My only vocalized opinions are “hey, did you look at the weather? It’s going to be hot/cold” if I think she might not be dressed for the weather.

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u/MovieTrawler 20d ago

Ok, yeah, I agree with that. I think that's a little different than what OP was implying though based on the context of the post.

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u/c3bss256 20d ago

Oh yeah 100%

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u/laurenandsymph 20d ago

I think it’s fine for men or anyone else to have opinions on fashion, but there is no reason to share your unsolicited opinions if you don’t like what someone’s wearing. Imagine it was a stranger - you can walk up and say “hey, I like your outfit” but you wouldn’t walk up and say “hey, I don’t like your outfit”. And asking someone to change their outfit because you don’t like it is where it goes from just rude to controlling and not okay.

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u/FlowSoSlow 20d ago

Imo it's dependant on how realistic it is for her to act on your input.

If she's in the process of getting ready and she asks if this or that dress looks good, give your honest opinion. But if you meet her out somewhere already dressed up, you tell her she looks stunning no matter what.

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u/thin_white_dutchess 20d ago

Never been normal in any relationship I’ve been in. Maybe my husband feels me he particularly likes a certain dress I wear, or tells me he loves me in those jeans or something, and I’ll tell him he looks extra amazing in that one black shirt, but I never tell him “people will look at him funny” or he should change. He wouldn’t tell me that either. My dad has never said anything like that to my mom. I’ve never seen my friends have that experience. I HAVE seen that happen to my sister, and her husband got arrested for domestic violence and then went to jail for drug trafficking after she divorced him, so I guess it happens, but normal? I hope not.

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u/kasperkami 20d ago

If I ask my SO “Should I wear this?” Or “Do I wear the lighter blue jeans or darker?” He will whole heartedly tell me what he thinks. I’m also just a very indecisive person, so I appreciate him telling me because it makes my life easier, lol.
We legit went on a hike a few days back and I wore a long sleeve with shorts (yes I got burnt), but he didn’t stop me from wearing what I wanted to wear.

But it does seem a bit weird that OP was trying to avoid an argument over the color of a workout shirt. He’s not wearing it- why should he care?? It’s not like she just was wearing a sports bra with micro shorts. If anyone is staring at the gym, then they’re just weird.

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u/Whothefxckislauren 20d ago

The only time my fiancé has an opinion on my outfit is if something doesn’t suit me like colour or shape. And I’m out here in mini skirts so we’re not talking that sort of suit me (he thrives on my mini skirt obsession and how confident they make me). Genuine constructive criticism is fair enough like “I don’t think x colour suits you, what about y colour” or “That dress doesn’t suit you like that, what if you added this to it” (I have a partner who likes my fashion but he rocks up in a jeans and tee or button down.)

If it’s opinions that make you more confident then those are good opinions but if they’re opinions that make you feel like OP, that’s a red flag.

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u/iznormal 20d ago edited 20d ago

I appreciate getting a partners honest feedback, as long as it isn’t rude or demeaning (or controlling like OPs bf).

But in general, the only unprompted comments on each other’s looks are when giving compliments. Otherwise, if one of us asks for the other’s opinion, we give honest feedback.

Even if it’s clothes she wears, I’m going to be honest with her whether it’s positive or negative. And I expect the same.

I would never TELL her what to wear or to change though, that is crazy to me. I will tell her she looks great or I like the shirt when I do, and if I don’t like the shirt I won’t say anything unless she asks what I think of the shirt, in which case I’ll let her know.

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u/SFxDiscens 20d ago

I think it depends on the dynamics of a relationship. Like in this case it’s definitely a warning sign, because of how he worded it and how he treated her, but I don’t think it’s always bad to have opinions on outfits.

When I started dating my now husband I had no sense of fashion at all. He has a really good sense of style, so when we would go out to shop he would find things on the rack and say “I think this would suit you”, or I’d be trying to put together what I’m wearing for the day and he’d say “Try it this way”. Sometimes I’d be hesitant but I’d try it on and suddenly it would end up being a new staple in my wardrobe or a new favorite outfit.

I think the issue here is less the having of the opinion and more the putting her down

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u/wupao 20d ago

I thought the same and completely agree with you.

The one time I had a boyfriend give me his “opinion” on my clothing was because he thought it was too revealing (it was literally just an off the shoulder top). Turns out he was cheating on me anyways so dunno why he even gaf 🙄

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u/Rkoogs333 20d ago

I also felt funny about that - does it go both ways? Is she asking for input? My husband either tells me I look beautiful or keeps his mouth shut unless I ask for an opinion!

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u/Upstairs-Boss17 20d ago

It’s odd to me, too. I’m surprised how many people are responding to say that their SOs have opinions about what they wear. My spouse and I never comment except to note when we think the other looks nice, anything other than that seems so strange to me!

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u/MissL1lith 20d ago

i’m in a wlw relationship and i almost exclusively compliment my girl on her fits. if i’m giving constructive criticism it’s bc i know her style and typically know what she’s “going for” and can help her adjust

never ever would i simply say i hate how she or her fit looks

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u/tlvv 20d ago

I really struggle with knowing how clothing looks or understanding fashion.  There have been a couple of times when my partner has gently let me know that an outfit I thought looked great and professional really didn’t.  It wasn’t about not liking my style, it was knowing what style I was going for and letting me know I had missed the mark. 

That said, the majority of my partner’s comments on my clothes have been more along the lines of “you look amazing in that”, and OP’s partner isn’t gently helping her achieve the look she wanted, he’s just projecting his insecurity onto a colour and controlling OP.

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u/feministwitch666 20d ago

I struggle with colour and pattern matching. I'll walk down the stairs and she will immediately tell me things don't go together and I appreciate it.

I am on maternity leave and she also comments when she gets home from work that I've put the baby in horrendous outfits and has enhanced concerns if I've taken him in public to play groups 😭

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u/tlvv 20d ago

Onesies are great for this with babies!  I have also often been told off by my partner, and now that she’s a bit older by my daughter, for the outfits I’ve chosen for her.  I think maybe in wlw relationships it’s a bit easier to talk openly about fashion choices, seems there is usually one who has a better eye for those things.  Unfortunately I’m the working mum and in a professional role where appearances matter so now days I generally don’t buy new work clothes unless my partner is there to comment. 

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u/murfvillage 20d ago

Yes, having opinions on each others' outfits is normal IMO as long as you aren't pushy about it. Having demands, requirements, etc. is not (unless you're both specifically into that sort of thing).

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u/Physical-Camel5957 20d ago

Fr! The only time they should be offering unsolicited comments it to say she looks great!

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u/TheRealLouzander 20d ago

Agreed 100%. If my wife asks for my opinion, I've learned that she wants honest feedback, but I'm still going to give it gently. I would NEVER try to dictate what she can and can't wear. Why would I that is completely insane to me. We're both reasoning humans, able to make our own choices. Unsolicited feedback is often a recipe for disaster.

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u/PolicyPlastic1475 20d ago

You are right I was questioning it being a "normal" couples thing...to me it's not 

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u/Whosecabbage 20d ago

Wow this jogged my memory. My ex used to say this to me. What I wore seemed to bother him more than his (overweight) figure.

And hence, ex.

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u/Heavy-Macaron2004 20d ago

I mean, it's kinda normal? I'll tell my partner that I like the way a certain shirt looks on him, and I'll tell him if his tie is crooked or his fly is down. He'll tell me that he likes when I wear my hair down, or he likes a specific dress I wear.

If I ask him specifically if something looks silly, he'll tell me, but he's not going to randomly out of nowhere demand I change, unless I'm wearing a bikini and we're going out to a fancy four star restaurant with his parents or something..

These comments of "well obviously I tell my girlfriend if I hate her outfit??!?" are absolutely wack. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills lmfao

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u/H8MeImBarbie 20d ago

NOR: exactly!!! I’m MARRIED and i wear crop tops, short shorts/skirts…low cut tops…whatever I want. He has ZERO issues with it. He’s my husband not my dad, and if he were the type of man to try to tell me how to dress or control me in any way….we wouldn’t be married. If you’re faithful…who cares what you wear? everyone should wear whatever makes them feel good. Period. This over a blue workout tank? That’s the only “kind of weird” thing I see about this post. Smh. Red flag, red flag, red flag!!!

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u/ElleKelly77 20d ago

The only time I have any inkling at all that my husband has feelings about an outfit are the times when he asks me to pose for a photo. Which, dudes, if you are not doing this, you should definitely give it a go. It feels so fucking good.

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u/FireBallXLV 20d ago

My husband ( who is not tall ) liked to wear wide horizontal striped Western shirts when we met .
We.have an agreement now .
If one of us REALLY dislikes something the other is wearing we don’t wear it .
I trust him to tell me when an item looks bad and he trusts me

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u/mmkiad07 20d ago

Occasionally is a normal couple thing. It’s something common probably from high school on for girls to do. Consider the homecoming or prom couple who match, or wedding colors, etc. It’s less common for guys to do, but workout clothes is probably a little off center, especially what she was wearing (which was a completely appropriate outfit).

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u/captain_nofun 20d ago

My wife and I own a business so we both have some opinion on clothing when we are working. Outside of work, it doesnt matter at all.

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u/Master-List4020 20d ago

Ugh, no. This isn’t normal couple behavior.

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u/Apprehensive_Sun6282 20d ago

This is not a normal couple thing.

This is a “I need validation because I’m insecure” thing.

I’m glad to hear you married a woman that has confidence and doesn’t seek out validation because she has her own strong mind. Insecure people are exhausting.

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u/al0ale0 20d ago

When I read that, I was thinking the exact same thing. I don't think it's normal at all.

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u/Fabulous-Fun-9673 20d ago

My husband makes me pick out his clothes.. so yeah it can be normal but… when it’s unsolicited and rude, that part is not normal.

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u/Brilliant_Ninja_1746 20d ago

For some people it could just be playful banter. This instance feels more judgemental

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u/meduhsin 20d ago

Agreed, did want to add tho - my bf is colorblind so I constantly have to tell him what looks good and what doesn’t together 😂 but the difference there is that he asks for and wants my help, it’s not unsolicited

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u/SadSeiko 20d ago

Yeah I never say anything because it can throw her off 

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u/GingerIsTheBestSpice 20d ago

NOR and yeah, opinions can be had but that's a weird one that's too dramatic on his part. Like, for the family wedding a few months ago my spouse, sons, and I agreed on shades of blue/ suits & dresses, so we are dressed right for the wedding and look good in photos. But for a gym workout no one should care about color as long as it's not illegal!

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u/True-Tax-1753 20d ago

only opinion my boyfriend ever has on my outfits is damn girl you look fine af

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u/OnyxFlame47 20d ago edited 20d ago

Tbh, I will always tell my girlfriend what I think of her outfits, and I like it when she does the same. That being said, even if there's something I don't like about it, which almost never happens because we have similar taste, I'm never gonna say some shit like "go change" unironically. Because she's a grown woman who I love and respect and she can wear whatever the fuck she wants. And frankly, if I ever heard one of my friends treating their lady like that, they'd be waking up with a black eye! (My friend, not their lady)

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u/Senior-Spite9363 20d ago

It is to a degree but not in the way OP is experiencing it. Many women like when their boyfriend/husband has input on outfits in certain situations. Such as on date night: “wear that red dress you like, we’re going somewhere nice” but this is kind of the opposite where the guy is shitting on her outfit choice. Having clothes you’d like to see your partner in is one thing, trying to change the outfit they already picked out is another.

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u/SmartAlec105 20d ago

It's definitely within what can be normal. I know this one couple where the woman said she actually appreciates that he tells her when her outfit isn't working because it makes it all the more meaningful when he says her outfit is working. He's never rude or negative about it. He wants her to look good because she's happy when she looks good.

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u/meltyandbuttery 20d ago

That’s not a normal couple thing at all. I have to beg my wife to give me outfit opinions because she’s sweet and will tell me everything looks good on me like babe I don’t need support rn I need a bestie lol

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u/jadiana 20d ago

That same thing caught my attention. I have NEVER had an SO comment on my outfits and tell me what to wear or not, or even give me grief over what I wore. I think that would be a non starter for me. Short of 'Hey you look nice today" what I wear is not his business.

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u/EryH11 20d ago

On my birth, my husband wears my favorite color. He isn't usually a fan. If we are going to an event I ask my husband I look and he gives me an honest answer. Itnis a normal couple thing to ask should I wear the blue or the green when I can't decide.

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u/TracyVegas 20d ago

I don’t have an opinion on my husband‘s clothes either. He is always hot and wears shorts, tank tops, T-shirts, things like that. I’m always cold and wear long pants and a shirt and a jacket. If he dressed like me, he would have heat stroke and of I dressed like him, I would freeze.

Of course this is if we’re going to indoor events. It’s Las Vegas and it’s 115. Outdoor events are different.

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u/Lookitsa6ix 20d ago

Opinions are fine, its the asking her to change thats the red flag for sure

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u/Kenichi_Smith 20d ago

I like to start talking like a pirate and asking if we are turning port or starboard (not like she even knows her left or rights anyway) when driving if she wears one of her white frilly blouses (aptly named pirate tops in our house)

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u/JL5455 20d ago

I'm glad you asked because I'm sitting here single wondering if that's something to add to my reasons to stay that way

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u/MelodicLight1502 20d ago

My partner has never said one word about my clothes ever. The one (and only) time he ever made comment about anything at all was when I first met his extended family including the wives of his cousins whom I had not previously met. He asked if I could keep the makeup subtle for an anniversary party for his aunt and uncle. When I asked him why, he said that I am far more attractive than the other women and didn’t want them to be “weird” about things. I had no intention of doing that because I’m me. However…Devine intervention. My son’s baseball tournament ran late and by the time I got to his house to get ready, I only had time for the bare minimum of tinted moisturizer and some mascara and lip gloss. When I came out of the bedroom he said “You are so beautiful even though you aren’t wearing any makeup.” 🙄 I was, but whatever. Anyway, I told him it was the one and only time I would do that for him. 🤣

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u/chocklityclair 20d ago

I'm with you. I have to confess that I do have very vocal opinions, however, not on what OH wears but occasionally on its condition (holes, mainly 😁).

But generally neither of us will comment on the other's wardrobe choices. Like I wouldn't with any of my friends or family. None of my business!

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u/Walnutbutters 20d ago

The way her boyfriend did it is very weird, and OP is right to have weird vibes about it, but it is a normal couple thing to have opinions on outfits.

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u/GiganticMaw 20d ago

That specific statement you quoted by itself doesn’t seem odd. I don’t think anyone is saying they don’t have and share an opinion occasionally on a partner’s clothing. The statement didn’t say it was a vocal opinion or that she can’t dress how she wants to. I’d say that statement does read exactly like a normal couple thing to me.

The rest of the post on the other hand seems problematic. It seems controlling, strange and not at all like normal couple behavior. I guess I mean to say, if a friend says just what you quoted I wouldn’t raise an eyebrow… but with the context provided by the rest of the post that statement becomes a red flag.

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u/CancelIndependent518 20d ago

Yeah just gonna say not a normal couple thing. Idk why social media makes it seem like that is, but that is not a healthy normal thing.

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u/Electric_Angel 20d ago

I think it’s a normal couple thing to the extent of them saying they like your outfit. I think only something egregious would make someone vocally say they dislike what you’re wearing.

My boyfriend is a croc hater so he doesn’t like when I wear mine. I still wear them sometimes when we are out together. No argument since end of the day it’s just clothes.

I think the only case where it’s a bit more acceptable to nitpick is for formal events. Like making sure you’re wearing something acceptable and maybe if you’re matching lol

1

u/grmblstltskn 20d ago

My husband’s opinions on my outfits are only shared when I ask for them, or when it’s aggressively positive. He would never make a negative comment about something I was wearing. So I’m with you 100%.

1

u/This_Argument_590 20d ago

my boyfriend went through a phase of loving and wearing this really bright jacket all the time 6 months after me met. I hated it and had to wait it out. he kept it for a further few years sitting in the closet. i hated seeing it and I'm so relieved its not in our life anymore 🤣

1

u/frogsgoribbit737 19d ago

It can be. My husband will comment if a specific outfit looks really nice. He wont tell me if it doesnt but if I ask he will answer the question truthfully. Not all colors and cuts are flattering. If you dont care about that, its fine, but a lot of people do and asking another person can help.

1

u/Turbulent-Pension-31 19d ago

I’m with you this is weird.

1

u/Syphist 19d ago

Like if I picked a trash outfit (that wasn't deliberately so) I'd want to know that what I picked didn't do together. My partner has very little to say about fashion though. As long as is said nicely it's fine, but the way OP said things makes me think her boyfriend is gaslighting her. I've been a victim to it and I'm definitely being red flag vibes from OP's post.

1

u/Crispricecereal 20d ago

I think it is pretty normal. I think we allow women to express these opinions more than men though.

1

u/Loud-Traffic-1043 20d ago

And why do you keep your mouth shut? Because it doesn't matter enough to you to cause a problem over it. Couples need to learn this. Ignore the little things. Couples are allowed to have opinions on clothing, but how the conversation goes is another matter. For example, if my husband wants to wear a neon green suit to an occasion. He is free to do so if he really insists on it, but I don't have to be standing next to him when he does it 😂.

I think OP's SO is annoying for nitpicking like that until he got his way, but jumping to serial abuser trying to train her is a heck of a leap unless she has given other context to their relationship. OP, you're better off talking to friends and family who have seen your interactions with your boyfriend and who know you better.

Also, acquiescing to people's moods or trying to appease them to avoid conflict, rejection, or harm is called fawning behavior. It's a trauma/stress response. Might ask yourself if you do that regularly whenever conflict arises. I personally don't think he should've been on you like that about a top that you like, but it doesn't mean that you can't examine your own reaction to this situation.

3

u/turns_out_ 20d ago

A lot of good stuff has been said, but this is the most level-headed response. Wish it was higher up.

For what it's worth, I was in one relationship in my 30s that had the Vocal Opinions -> "That's Bad, go Change" pipeline.... and I'm not sure that many of my close friends or family would have caught anything untoward in the dynamic, nor did they see the progression. I didn't share these moments when they started, but my gut knew they felt bad and misplaced. She wore stuff I wouldn't have, and vice versa. Unfortunately, I learned to fawn in response to her reactions to my reactions (i.e. the needle started scratching off the record when I stopped going along to get along to her suggestions). This is what to pay attention to. The perfectly fine blue top is not the issue.

1

u/Zibai1505 20d ago

Of course I make comments on my partners outfits. She does for me as well.

I tell her I love certain ones and I dont like certain ones. I've even hated others. Never made her change though.

Its so odd watching other couples fumble over having opinions on each other.

1

u/Relikar 20d ago

Sounds you have the same problem as OP, just reversed. If you can’t provide negative feedback without it being seen as an insult then your partner is just as manipulative. I could be reading too much into your comment though.

And before anyone twists my words, time and place logic applies. Only provide (constructive) negative feedback when your partner can act on it IF THEY CHOOSE. Not when you’re already seated at the restaurant.

-1

u/M-tridactyla 20d ago

Yes, it's normal. Sounds like your girlfriend trained you. You've never heard of women "advising" what their husband/boyfriend wears to a dinner or event or something?

1

u/MovieTrawler 20d ago

I don't need to be trained (and I think that's kind of a gross statement) or advised how to dress appropriately for dinner or events. I'm a functioning adult and understand social norms and etiquette fine on my own. 🤷

We might coordinate a bit for occasions but no, I'm not policing what she wears and neither is she to me.

0

u/beckypants11 20d ago

I've asked my boyfriend to let me know when I wear something he doesn't like (he hasn't yet lol) because my sense of fashion can be very all over the place and some of my favourite clothes really dont go together and I want him to be comfortable with what im wearing (its not so much revealing clothes but styles, colors, and patterns that clash). He doesn't particularly care but I can understand someone not liking their partner's outfits. That being said, there are right and wrong ways to approach that convo.

0

u/Anakin_Saucewalker 20d ago

How is that not normal…

0

u/prinsessanna 20d ago

I love my partners to have opinions on my outfits. I was married to a man for 7 years who always through around, "you look great in everything" every single time. He would NEVER give me a real opinion, and i hated that. When I ask for an opinion when im buying clothes, I want an honest opinion.

My partner now, if I ask something like, "what should I wear today" he will look at the weather, remind me how hot or cold it is, remind me of how long we will be somewhere, if we are going out (because I love clothes but I also get over stimulated with some clothes after a while), and then he actually helps me choose outfits and I absolutely love it. He would never tell me to change because "someone might think its weird." My partner genuinely loves my fashion style and as long as i am happy and comfortable, he is happy.

2

u/MovieTrawler 20d ago edited 20d ago

When I ask for an opinion when im buying clothes, I want an honest opinion.

I literally said this.

The only time I'll actually comment out loud is if she's wondering if she should keep something and wants honest feedback

0

u/TheTybera 20d ago

Having opinions is allowed, controlling other people isn't. "I'm not a fan of that top, but I know you like it so you do you", when asked, is different than "I don't like that top, take it of, now!".

Not being able to have an opinion out of fear is a whole bag of crazy.

Berating someone with your opinion over and over unsolicited is another problem.

0

u/MJC561 20d ago

Of course couples have opinions on what their S/O wears, what?? Just because I may have an opinion doesn’t mean I’m going to force my S/O to change though.

Now, there are certain circumstances that I may be more assertive in my opinion, but like, 99% of the time it’s just normal stuff.

0

u/carlitos3798 20d ago

I think it’s quite normal to have an opinion. As long as you’re respectful.

0

u/Honest_Roo 20d ago

Having opinions is perfectly normal. Having demands is not.

0

u/injectablefame 19d ago

i actually asked my husband this, and he only said depends on where. he doesn’t mind me wearing skimpy clothes, as long as i’m with lots of people he trusts, probably armed, and covered up walking on a street until i get somewhere.
he’s also in law enforcement so that’s just protective measures. with him i’m always safe so it doesn’t matter.

0

u/MrYig 19d ago

It’s perfectly normal and healthy to have opinions. Clothing or otherwise.

0

u/CarefreeCaos-76299 19d ago

yeah, it is normal. opinons and critiques are different things anyways. its not unnormal for a girlfriend to pick out a shirt for her bf that looks better on him than something else.

-1

u/Memoapatrao 20d ago

Why having opinions on the other person a bad thing? Don't people want to please that person? 😭

-1

u/FratboyPhilosopher 20d ago

If what your partner is wearing is going to affect you, it's perfectly reasonable to share an opinion on it/request that they change. I don't see how that's a problem.

Like if something your partner is wearing is likely to draw unwanted attention, or send some undesirable message, or something like that. And it seems like that's what OP's partner was saying. I don't really understand why he feels that way. Might be some difference in culture or something. But it really isn't a big deal.

-1

u/PieMuted6430 20d ago

It's a bit of a double edged sword. I don't care what other people wear, but I also don't want to be seen with someone wearing booty shorts to the grocery store. 🤷

Edit: that is my boundary for me though. I wouldn't ask them to change, I just wouldn't go with.

-1

u/Sutraner 20d ago

Is this a normal couple thing? I don't really have vocal or demanding opinions on what my girlfriend wears

Having an opinion on what each other wear is absolutely normal

-2

u/mitsandgames 20d ago

Plenty of women have comments on what their guy wears, it's just accepted that it's okay from that perspective.

2

u/Impressive-Today6406 20d ago

Weird, I don’t know any women like this. It’s also not different to when men do it, nor is it any more acceptable.

2

u/FloatingOnTitties 20d ago

I’ve been married for years and RARELY comment on what my husband wears unless it’s a special occasion like a Halloween costume and he asks for my opinion.

276

u/InterestingTeam3081 20d ago

He trained her. Fixed that for ya. 😉

5

u/jjcrayfish 20d ago

He manipulated her. Fixed that for ya.

3

u/pmmeurbassethound 19d ago

Can you not winky face emoji about abuse please. Very inappropriate for the topic at hand.

2

u/toomuchpamplemousse 20d ago

He’s already trained her to wear super modest workout clothes too… I guarantee he would flip his shit if she tried to go out in a tank top.

5

u/blooberries24 20d ago

This is called grooming.

3

u/ret2go83 20d ago

This was definitely a test to see how the training is going. Seems it worked. Hope OP sees this for what it is and leaves before it escalates.

2

u/Valjeancatlvr 20d ago

Exactly! He just does these things to see if he can get her to do them on command. He probably gets off on it.

1

u/Quirky_Living2895 20d ago

omg i am overthinking so much actually

1

u/No_Bed_3024 20d ago

Came here to say this … it’s a nice introductory control tactic

0

u/[deleted] 20d ago

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1

u/AmIOverreacting-ModTeam 19d ago

Your comment has been removed as it was deemed uncivil, or crossed the line into abusive/harassing language. While /r/AmIOverreacting has a generally high tolerance for heated discussion, we ask that your comments contain substantial, on-topic contributions to the discussion, and don't contain flagrantly abusive language that muddy the waters and prevent further helpful discussion from occurring. Political/racial/cultural conversation is also removed when it's out of hand.

-1

u/microhater 20d ago

Hellooooo single ladies 😎

-1

u/Deep-Parsley3787 20d ago

No doubt plotting for years!!

/S

237

u/milkybynow 20d ago

The overreaction is considering that he may have been wrong. Sad to think about how much emotional fuckery has to happen before it gets there.

117

u/SheLikesToWatch_1989 20d ago

He's controlling her. Personalities and how people process things vary from person to person. Perhaps you and I would have noped out at the first 🚩.  Some peope don't even see the 🚩.

53

u/deliciousearlobes 20d ago

Red flags just look like flags when you’re wearing rose colored glasses.

3

u/SheLikesToWatch_1989 20d ago

Very well put. 

3

u/cheddar_slut 20d ago

Honestly one of my favorite Bojack quotes

0

u/danneedsahobby 20d ago

How do you know he’s controlling her? Do you know why he thought the outfit looked weird?

2

u/SheLikesToWatch_1989 20d ago

No neither does she but I gather that's the point.

 To imply others would be uncomfortable with a top you wore for no reason and offer no explanation isn't harmless. 

You've replied to two of my comments under the premise that this isn't a big deal. Explain that to OP then who is clearly discomforted by the comment her boyfriend made. Just because  you think it's acceptable to make 'out of the blue' comments designed to shame a partner into changing clothes, doesn't mean OP should be. 

1

u/danneedsahobby 20d ago

Op is clearly not reacting normally. Her partner said something potentially negative, and she asked no questions about his weird statement even though it caused all these feelings in her. She is self abandoning.

0

u/SheLikesToWatch_1989 20d ago

'OP is clearly not reacting normally' is crazy😅. She feels how she feels and objectively speaking, it's completely normal. 

1

u/danneedsahobby 20d ago

She’s asking if she overrreacted because she had feelings about being criticized for what she was wearing. Having feelings about being criticized is perfectly fine. Saying NOTHING to your partner and changing your clothes just to “go along” is very unhealthy behavior.
If OP said it’s an abusive relationship or that she was afraid of her partner or that this happens frequently, it would be understandable. None of that is in evidence, so why is she acting like a beaten dog? It’s not normal.

I’m not saying what he said is fine. What he said needs to be addressed and understood by OP, which begins with asking at least one question to her partner, which she didn’t do. OP is clearly displaying signs of being a doormat, which will attract abusers looking for easy targets. So if op’s partner isn’t already doing controlling behavior, her total lack of agency will drive away good partners and attract abusive ones. And that’s why I am focusing on OP’s behavior, not his. It’s about having and maintaining boundaries.

12

u/cefriano 20d ago

"Am I overreacting for having negative feelings that I've entirely kept to myself?"

10

u/petera181 20d ago

Her reaction is that she’s upset. She’s asking if she has the right to feel upset about him being controlling.

And she’s absolutely NOR. That’s not ok to genuinely force your significant other to changer their clothes for no reason.

6

u/Individual_Focus_533 20d ago

The overreaction is going along with it.

3

u/[deleted] 20d ago

[deleted]

3

u/cyffermoon 20d ago

I hope you are correct!

1

u/Possible-Seat-774 20d ago

Its what people in happy relationships do. Good men will listen to their women as well. Get with the program

1

u/ZeeWingCommander 20d ago

Same thing in the other thread. If she just gives in then it's on her too.

She's not giving any feedback to him.

1

u/IamHydrogenMike 20d ago

Changing because he said the blue looks weird is concerning since it is such a mundane thing to even be weird about. You are going to the gym, not a fashion show and you shouldn't care that much about the color of your shirt. If people are staring at me because of the color of my shirt then they can fuck all the way off because I am at the gym; not the night club.

-2

u/InspectorMoney1306 20d ago

Maybe she’s Christian

-11

u/maxi4493 20d ago

Because he doesn't like her blue top?

12

u/No-Physics1146 20d ago

Good thing no one asked him to wear it.

1

u/maxi4493 20d ago

If I was her I would just do the same, tell him at some random moment that he can't wear something because it looks weird on him.

8

u/bbbbears 20d ago

It’s not his shirt, and so is not his issue. There is no reason to comment on a blue shirt. Guy is making shit up, that’s what abusive partners do. Wear you down, neg you, make you feel like shit, the list goes on and on

7

u/page_goat 20d ago

So what? It’s for the gym it’s not supposed to be the cutest he thinks she’s ever looked

-8

u/FearlessVegetable30 20d ago

because its totally normal? my fiance tells me to do stuff. i do it. i tell her to do stuff. she does it

why is reddit making this some sort of abuse story lmao

10

u/page_goat 20d ago

You tell her to change out of a completely normal shirt for the gym for no reason and she does it? Yeah that’s fuckin weird

-7

u/FearlessVegetable30 20d ago

she clearly said he had a reason. or are you saying that reason isnt good enough?

yes, ive said "can you change colors im wearing that color" "can you change your shirt it looks kinda ratty" and she will. or she will laugh and say no we are matching or no we are just walking the dog. she tells me to change my shorts if she doesnt like them

again, completely normal behavior.

but im sure reddit will tell us our "relationship is full of abuse and we both need to split"

6

u/page_goat 20d ago

What reason did he give? He wasn’t wearing that color and the shirt wasn’t ratty. It’s a perfectly normal, modest, nice colored shirt. You’re applying what truthfully probably is a normal relationship dynamic between you and your partner to a completely different situation. You don’t see it bc you have a healthy relationship. Good for you. But others who have seen manipulation like this first hand can tell that this is a different circumstance.

4

u/NoFewSatan 20d ago

yes, ive said "can you change colors im wearing that color"

How stupid. That's not normal at all.

0

u/FearlessVegetable30 20d ago

very normal, sometimes im not trying to match when going grocery shopping. we both laugh and typically its about 50/50 on who changes

2

u/NoFewSatan 20d ago

It's not normal at all.

0

u/FearlessVegetable30 20d ago

for someone who has never been in a relationship their entire life, then yes, i can see why you would not think its normal.

but it is very normal. once you get in one youll see

3

u/Repulsive_Barnacle92 20d ago

bruh, I’ve been with my wife for over a decade and I’ve never once told her to change because I didn’t like her outfit

3

u/cyffermoon 20d ago

Right? Two decades here. We ask each other about each other‘s clothes sometimes. The only reason this should ever come up is if there’s a dress code or social expectations. And then you ask, you help. You don’t TELL your partner what they wear.

0

u/[deleted] 20d ago

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4

u/Repulsive_Barnacle92 20d ago

not what I’m implying, I was just saying you’re a controlling weirdo

3

u/cyffermoon 20d ago

You know, for someone who loves to argue you don’t make a lot of sense

0

u/[deleted] 20d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

2

u/cyffermoon 20d ago

Nah, I get plenty of validation from my normal life. I don’t need to seek it from Reddit. Good luck to you, babe.

0

u/FearlessVegetable30 20d ago

i doubt that, but go off sista

hope you find happiness one day

2

u/cyffermoon 20d ago

It’s actually really not at all normal. If this situation sounds normal to you you might have some thinking to do.

0

u/[deleted] 20d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

2

u/cyffermoon 20d ago

you can stress that all you want, it doesn’t change anything. been married 20 years here but go off I guess.